People are saying our marriage is a sham

[Rylie]

Weird right? Not something I ever thought I'd read. Takes a whole knew meaning to saying "is that what gets your jollies off".

 

OP..... Is it not hard for you -as a rape victim- to want to be intimate with a man who literally got off from violence?

 

.....And this. I don't agree. If he has slept with other women since he came home would that not mean he doesn't have the same issue you do and is being held back?

 

Or do you not know his sex history? Is there a reason for that? Ashamed.... maybe. Promiscuous past or like I already said.... gay.

 

....even with the above issue.... 6 years is a very, very long time. That article said they saw improvement in months.... not years. Especially not 6 years.

 

Right. You read 1 article on "menshealth.com" and now you are an expert? Wish I knew it was that easy to become an expert before I went through 6 years of university and 80K debt.

 

I didn't come here to talk about my husbands sex issues. It's irrelevant to this post.

 

I orgasmed while being raped. Yes. You read that correct. I orgasmed while being raped. My first and only orgasm. Does that change anything with my situation? No. Because it's a physical response to prolonged stimulation.

 

I went through 3 days of hell. My husband went through 16 months of hell + an extension. Who are you to judge how fast he should be healing?

[Rylie]

What if someone set off an M80 unexpectedly, what if he has a PTSD black out and attacks you? He could KILL YOU. This is a reality. This is a FACT.

 

Yeah, it is a fact. Thankfully it has never happened to me or anyone else in our lives. It has happened to other people, I know that. Not long ago I heard of a man who strangled his wife in his sleep. We purposely bought a house in a community were guns may be owned but are never set off. We do not have any guns in the house. That was extremely difficult to get him to that point but now there are now.

 

Have you tried empathizing with your parents? Can you understand the level of fear that they most likely live in - fearing for the safety of someone they love the most?

 

Honestly, I feel like I have but I probably haven't. I'm so mad and disappointed with my parents that our relationship is almost beyond repair. And it's sad, because I use to be really close with them. I don't know how to emphathize with them without sounding like I'm admitting he's dangerous to be around. They have tried to get me classed mentally unable to make my own decisions. They have taken things I've said and done and totally twisted them. My own parents took legal action to try and get me out of this house/marriage.

 

That HAS to be scary for him, for you, and we know its scary for your family.

 

It is. There are many times he breaks down and says it would be better for him to leave so he doesn't hurt me. He doesn't feel like a man at all, because he can't even control himself and has a mental condition (not to mention sexual problems). He doesn't always think he should be with me.

 

And tip toeing around triggers is a stressful way to live. Its not healthy, its not easy for someone who doesn't have PTSD, I can't help to think it only adds to anxieties you have.

 

At this point it doesn't feel like walking on egg shells. We both know each other so well that doing certain things or not doing certain things is just life. It's like not touching him in certain spots, not turning on the tv are no different than you don't leave the front door wide open or the lights on when you go out.

 

I know you love and care for him - but this situation is sad and scary, and can't be ignored.

 

He means everything to me. I can't even handle thinking about losing him. Just thinking about it makes me a complete mess for days and makes my PTSD a hell of a lot worse because of it. Triggers that I "beat", flashbacks that I haven't had in ages, old fears and anxieties (like going out). He's always been there. Even just thinking about thinking about it.

 

I don't think that anything that anyone here says will make you leave. Please promise me that your choice is NOT unconditional. If his control or PARANOIA changes, FOR HIS SAKE, don't make the mistake of not consulting professionals (including the police) if his situation/perception ever changes.

 

This is something that I have always been afraid of. I hope that I would be able to recognize if things were going south, and if not me his friends, family or (and especially) his therapists and group. I don't want him to ever end up in this situation.

Edited June 18, 2016 by Rylie

[ShatteredLady]

Rylie. Thank you for not being offended & taking my post as intended. Love & marriage come in all different shapes & forms. You clearly love & take care of eachother, work together on your issues & are extremely knowledgable of both of your illnesses.

 

In my experience the signs became VERY clear. A loved one NEEDS to be committed long before they start sleeping with a weapon under their pillow & have a complex story to explain why it's essential.

 

It's common for medications to have side effects. Some have great results with one med another may have a horrible reaction to. Always be each others 'buddies' when EITHER of you are changing meds (for at least the first few months)

 

Signs are something well worth discussing with your specialists. You have chosen to hope for the best. PLEASE prepare for the worse. Don't be concerned with overreacting rather than under reacting.

 

Sometimes good people become very sick & do unimaginable things. Things that they could never even imagine (or remember sometimes) doing.

 

Mental health should NOT have the stigma that it does.

Edited June 18, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Tread Carefully]

Rylie, sweetheart, I just want to give you a hug and a little shake. Your family has a right to be worried. You said that most people here don't understand PTSD but I do because I have it.

 

I see you protecting and defending your husband, as well you should, but I want you to try to take a step back from that and think about yourself for just a minute. Ok? Just you. I'm going to try to make a little crack in your walls. Very gently.

 

You both are indeed suffering. I fully support your husband not wanting to be around children. He knows that when he triggers, especially a blackout one, that he could hurt them. When in a trigger like that, you are unaware of what you are actually doing. Then you wake up and say, omg what have I done?

 

So far the times that he has hurt you, he's been able to stop. But there will come a time that he can't. *Can't.* It happens alot to vets while they are asleep and dreaming. They have a nightmare reliving an experience with the added twist of being in dream state. There have been many who have choked their wives TO DEATH while in this state. A lot of those wives knew their husbands were dealing with some tough stuff but never thought it would ever get that bad. He loves me, he won't kill me. Which is exactly where you are at.

 

Sadly and tragically this happens more often than is reported by the media. But if you google search "military wives killed by husbands with ptsd" and "military husbands with ptsd kill wives" you will find a lot to read about.

 

Your family loves you and cares about you. They can see signs that you can't because you are too close to the situation. I know you think it won't happen to you. Nobody ever does. But the possibility is there and it's not something that you yourself can fix. You know that.

 

It would be devastating and tragic if this happened to you. Because all the warning signs are there. He will still love you if the two of you give each other space and safety so you both can continue to work with your counselors. I feel he might actually feel less stressed if you both got some space because I guarantee that he knows deep inside that accidentally killing you is a very real possibility.

 

I hope you will hear me. I want you to protect both of you.

[PennyP]

Rylie,

 

Even if you two do not believe in a "traditional marriage" I am wondering if you are legally married? Also do you and your husband consider yourselves asexual?

[Rylie]

Signs are something well worth discussing with your specialists. You have chosen to hope for the best. PLEASE prepare for the worse. Don't be concerned with overreacting rather than under reacting.

 

I think I see him as better than he really is. When we go to therapy together I choose to take in what I want and leave the rest.

 

So far the times that he has hurt you, he's been able to stop. But there will come a time that he can't. *Can't.* It happens a lot to vets while they are asleep and dreaming. They have a nightmare reliving an experience with the added twist of being in dream state. There have been many who have choked their wives TO DEATH while in this state. A lot of those wives knew their husbands were dealing with some tough stuff but never thought it would ever get that bad. He loves me, he won't kill me. Which is exactly where you are at.

 

Sadly and tragically this happens more often than is reported by the media. But if you google search "military wives killed by husbands with ptsd" and "military husbands with ptsd kill wives" you will find a lot to read about.

 

It would be devastating and tragic if this happened to you. Because all the warning signs are there. He will still love you if the two of you give each other space and safety so you both can continue to work with your counselors. I feel he might actually feel less stressed if you both got some space because I guarantee that he knows deep inside that accidentally killing you is a very real possibility.

 

I feel like I would lose him if we didn't live together. He needs to constant emotional connection or he loses it and it's gone forever. He has a really hard time forming and maintaining emotional relationships unless they are constantly present.

 

I lean on him a lot to feel safe and grounded.

 

I know that he knows that he could kill me. He hears about it a lot more than I do. We had something happen once while he was sleeping, which is why we waited years before doing it. He has said before that maybe I shouldn't live with him or maybe I we shouldn't sleep in the same room ever. He was always upset when he was saying it and I thought he was saying it so I wouldn't be stressed about something happening. But maybe he was saying is so he wouldn't be as stressed.

 

I'm scared our relationship would crumble if we were apart and it would regress.

 

Rylie,

 

Even if you two do not believe in a "traditional marriage" I am wondering if you are legally married? Also do you and your husband consider yourselves asexual?

 

I wouldn't say we don't believe in traditional marriage. We do. We just don't fit the image that society creates. We are legally married.

 

We're not asexual. Both of us are attracted to each other and want to have sex. We're just not ready yet. We can get to the point of being naked together, cuddling and him pressed up against me so it's almost in, one little move and it would be, but isn't. If we stopped living together or probably even sleeping in the same room, that wouldn't happen anymore and we'd lose that bit of sexual intimacy that we have.

[Tread Carefully]

You both sound very codependent. I hope you are addressing that in therapy.

 

I have a question for you.

 

If you were both healed of the traumatic experiences that have binded you so tightly together, what would your relationship look like?

 

Yes, he was suggesting other sleeping arrangements because of his fear. Can you imagine the weight, stress and heaviness that he carries knowing that he could seriously or fatally hurt you? That is an extremely heavy load to bear, Rylie.

 

That is also why there are many murder suicides involving veterans. What do you think he would do if he ever lost it and killed you?

 

These are things you need to think about.

[BettyDraper]

You both sound very codependent. I hope you are addressing that in therapy.

 

I have a question for you.

 

If you were both healed of the traumatic experiences that have binded you so tightly together, what would your relationship look like?

 

Yes, he was suggesting other sleeping arrangements because of his fear. Can you imagine the weight, stress and heaviness that he carries knowing that he could seriously or fatally hurt you? That is an extremely heavy load to bear, Rylie.

 

That is also why there are many murder suicides involving veterans. What do you think he would do if he ever lost it and killed you?

 

These are things you need to think about.

 

This. Codependence is not love.

[Babs22]

Riley,

I feel for everything you both have been through in your lives. It is very difficult to find people who understand what you have been through and what you both deal with because of your PTSD.

 

I believe your marriage is real. I feel like many marriages are codependent, some in a positive ways and some not. Aren't we supposed to depend on our husbands and wives to be there when we need support? I don't feel like I've experienced much love or support in my own marriage. Does that make my marriage real or a sham? Is my marriage real just because I was able to do things on my own? Is my marriage real because we had sex and children?

 

You two obviously love and support one another. Could you be in a dangerous situation? Sure. You have weighed the risk and have decided it is worth taking. Also, you are both in therapy and I am sure your therapists know you both better than any of us do on this forum. I am certain that if either of your therapists felt that you should not be together, they would tell you. I am sorry that your parents and family are telling you your marriage is a sham. I believe that your parent's concern and worry comes from a place of love, but your marriage is not a sham. You have both found each other and have accepted each other, warts and all.

 

Most of us cannot even imagine having gone through what you both have. Most of us have never had to deal with serious mental health issues. If your therapists and doctors believe that you are okay to be together, then you are. I don't know that either one of you should have to be alone in this world because of the trauma you have experienced. That would just make the whole situation that much more unfair to both of you. Everyone deserves to be loved. I see no problem in supporting each other in your healing. You say you have both made progress, how could that be bad?

 

I also think it is very responsible for both of you to realize that you are in no way ready to have children. So many people in this world get pregnant and have children when they are in no means capable of providing a loving, caring and stable home environment. The children pay the cost.

 

Good luck to both of you in your therapy and your journey.

[tinkerbell16]

As a father myself, I will be honest with you. Your parents have been very lenient and accommodating IMHO.

 

I have a daughter and if I witness any man treating my daughter that way or doing that to me, we are going to go to Pound Town right then and there and he is going to get his azz kicked by a pi$$ed off father.

 

Then he is going to be given the option of getting himself straightened up and flying right, or he is really going to have some trouble.

 

Your folks have actually shown too much restraint and conservative response IMHO.

 

They are probably afraid of him too. Or afraid the OP will suffer consequences from their confrontation.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rylie, I have sampled some of the posts on your thread and the responses you have given. Of course I read your OP and I think I have a fairly good idea about your situation. I am sorry to have to see you defending your husband against a lot of popular opinion and I can understand where most people are coming from. However I also think that you are mostly right in holding on to your ground. I do not want to get involved in the kind of arguments that have been made back and forth but would like to concentrate only on the aspect of PTSD that both of you are suffering from. What I am about to say may sound unconventional to you but then your whole situation is unconventional.

I wonder if any of your therapists are psychiatrists or psychologists? If so, and they haven't been able to make any headway with you two, then I would suggest that you look up a Dr. Brian Weiss on Google and consult him. I understand that you may not live anywhere near him but you could speak to him or a representative at his office/institute and get a recommendation for some one who is closer to your location and visit him/ her. Since all therapy till now has made very slow progress or none st all, I would think you need to apply a new approach, which Dr. Weiss's methods offer. You can look up his information on Google as suggested because you seem to be running out of options and he may be your last hope for a full and complete recovery for both of you. My only request is that you approach the treatment offered by Dr. Weiss with an open mind. Try what I have said and see if it helps you. Warm wishes.

[jellybean824]

Marriage is made up of many things-love, honor, commitment, selflessness, dedication, etc. Having said that, most people would consider sex to be an important part of a marriage relationship as well. However, I would imagine there are other couples who do not or cannot have sex for one reason or another. I don't think this and only this invalidates a marriage. You mentioned you are both working toward rectifying this. You have told OP about other forms of intimacy that you have engaged in. Both of you are working on your issues in therapy, together and separately. You certainly have a lot to work through. PTSD is very real and very pervasive. Some of the scenarios you've described, that led to your parents calling the police, are classic PTSD reactions. This does not mean they are unimportant or do not need to be addressed, but calling the police seems a bit drastic. I think it is commendable that you both realize having children would not be the best thing for either of you right now. If you are truly safe in this relationship, then I don't think it is anyone's business what you do or not do within the confines of your own home. Are you both growing and improving? Do you strengthen each other and encourage each other to grow? Are you willing to give up your own needs for the good of another? I think these are more important questions to ask of the relationship. Only the two of you truly know the answers.

[anika99]

I want to expand on this more because I realize I wasn't clear. My family does believe that I am being abused or in danger. My friends do not. In the past my friends were concerned when I would have marks from him but now that it rarely happens AND they understand better it's not thought. What my friends (and husband's friends) are hung up on is that to them we are not in a real marriage, just legally husband and wife. They also think that if we were both with someone "normal" we could heal faster.

 

 

 

But is it really valid reasons when they know I have PTSD and they know he has PTST and as much as I have tried to explain it to them they won't listen? Each time I have tried to explain the situation to them but they will not listen.

 

I have only read as far at this post. You say having marks from him rarely happens which means it happens, just not often. Look when someone physically restrains you or assaults you and leaves marks on you, that is abuse. It doesn't matter if they put marks on you because they had an unhappy childhood, or because they drank too much alcohol or because they are having a PTSD episode. Abuse is abuse regardless of what triggers it.

 

 

As others have said, you have a right to live your life and to have the marriage of your choosing. Nobody can tell you who you should be with. So if this is what you want then this is what you shall have and nobody can do anything about it. However I understand your parent's concern and I think they are right to be concerned.

 

 

Sometimes when people have serious issues that they need to overcome or get a handle on it is best to refrain from having a romantic relationships, because intimate relationships can bring out the worst in people and prevent real growth. When two dysfunctional people hook up and they have similar issues they will be drawn together like moths to a flame but usually the relationship will not be healthy. They will bond but may become overly dependent on each other and therefore they will not grow and get better. Because they are so heavily dependent on each other they will adamantly deny any suggestion that their relationship is unhealthy and impeding their happiness and personal growth. This may or may not be the case in your situation. I don't know you so I can't say but maybe your parent's opinion is more valid then you think.

[Padme]

Your parents are 100% right. I don't even know you and I feel very worried about you. You guys have an extremely unhealthy attachment. I'm sorry about the ptsd but that is not an excuse for him to ever lay his hands on you. You need to both get out of that toxic mess, focus on your individual therapy, then seek out a healthy, stable relationship with a man who won't ever hurt you.

[BaileyB]

Just wondering how you are doing Riley. Hope you are well.

[elaine567]

Just wondering how you are doing Riley. Hope you are well.

 

See new thread

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/591348-wanted-separation-2-weeks-ago-already-has-new-woman