People are saying our marriage is a sham

[oldshirt]

to combat violence you resort to, more violence. That is what is wrong with our culture.

 

No, what's wrong with our culture is people tolerate aggression and intimidation and are afraid of hurting a bad guy's feelings.

 

If somebody attacks my daughter or pushes me around, they will be delt with accordingly on the spot and then will be reported to the police.

[Cablebandit]

No, what's wrong with our culture is people tolerate aggression and intimidation and are afraid of hurting a bad guy's feelings.

 

If somebody attacks my daughter or pushes me around, they will be delt with accordingly on the spot and then will be reported to the police.

 

If you resort to violence that isn't self defense, you aren't "hurting a bad guy's feelings" like you claim our culture is afraid to do. If someone puts a mark on your daughter and you then go beat them up, you will be going to jail. You will not have helped your daughter, you will not have helped the guy and you certainly haven't done anything for yourself. You might just get your own ass kicked or killed. People seem to never consider that possibility.

 

Lets pretend your daughter slaps her boyfriend and then his dad comes and beats up your daughter. Cool with that?

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry OP, but I feel your parents are very right to be very worried.

[NTV]

You came here looking for unbiased opinions on your circumstances regarding whether you marriage is a sham.

 

 

Folks have pointed out the glaring red flags, but you have chosen to defend the relationship/marriage in each an every response.

 

 

I suspect that your real question isn't whether 'your marriage is a sham or not' but 'how can you get your parents to support it?'

 

 

That being said, the rules of the forum dictate that I can only respond to your question as it was asked.... so my opinion is that your marriage is a sham. Not necessarily because you haven't consummated it yet. Though for me I don't see a point in being married if there is no real passion. I think I agree that your marriage is a sham because you are using each other for treatment for a mental condition that your are already in treatment for---which isn't the point of being married.

 

 

For example, if I were in treatment for debilitating depression and getting therapy, but then complimented that therapy with drinking, that's going to have all sorts of side-effects, right? Or if I prescribed myself video games as a treatment for the depression, that still isn't necessarily helping me recover or improve. At most it's a distraction from the real work of healing the right way--that right way being what the medical professional I'm seeing dictates.

 

 

I also think you are establishing for yourself an unhealthy co-dependence by using your husband as a form of treatment for your PTSD. I won't discuss his, unless he posts himself.

 

 

So... to summarize my response: I conclude based on the limited info provided in the original post and responses, that I believe your marriage is a sham.

[GunslingerRoland]

People fear what they don't understand. They don't understand your marriage as it's not the norm, I don't understand your marriage either.

 

 

You have 2 choices, either try to put up better appearances that your marriage is exactly like every other marriage even if it isn't, or take more effort to explain it and show it to the people who care about you.

[Emilia]

If you resort to violence that isn't self defense, you aren't "hurting a bad guy's feelings" like you claim our culture is afraid to do. If someone puts a mark on your daughter and you then go beat them up, you will be going to jail. You will not have helped your daughter, you will not have helped the guy and you certainly haven't done anything for yourself. You might just get your own ass kicked or killed. People seem to never consider that possibility.

 

Lets pretend your daughter slaps her boyfriend and then his dad comes and beats up your daughter. Cool with that?

It would have been self-defense. He not only attacked the daughter but attacked the parents once too.

[Emilia]

OP, I don't really know why you both think you absolutely need to be in a relationship/marriage. Sounds to me like you would be better off out of it. Living with someone violent has emotional consequences that likely will ruin your life further.

[Rylie]

It should NEVER happen. Never. Do you understand that?

He may have a condition that has a name but he is still dangerous and his actions are still a crime. A mental condition does not make harmful actions ok.

 

I feel like almost everybody here doesn't understand how PTSD, and especially war PTSD, can present itself. He is reactive but he is not abusive. He has never come up to me and just starting hitting me or pushing me around. If an "incident" does happen it's because something triggered it. Depending on how it presents itself (violence vs fear) he doesn't always even remember it happening and when he comes out of it he doesn't know what happened.

 

--------------------------

 

Yes they are valid reasons because PTSD or anything else are not excuses for there to be fear, violence, and physical abuse.

 

In your reply post there were several things that alluded to your being fearful of his behavior and instability. For instance there was something you said about how accidentally you fell asleep in the same bed and things did not go well. You weren't very specific but the overall feeling was not a good secure one.

 

The definition of physical abuse is the following: any intentional act causing injury or trauma to another person by way of bodily contact. Nothing that he does is intentional.

 

I don't live in fear with him. The opposite really... I feel safer with him. I think anyone would experience fear in the moment if they are (for example) being pinned to a wall by someone who was trained to kill people and in the moment isn't really there. In the beginning of the relationship and when I first knew him, yes I will admit I was nervous to be around him. But we healed individually and together, we grew individually and together and we learned to work together.

 

In the beginning both therapists said being together romantically was not a good idea because it would be to easy to bring each other down and stay in our bubble. But we have supported each other and pushed each other when needed to keep going to therapy and keep healing. Now, both say that our arrangement is working for us.

 

Re: sharing the same bed - in the past. We both use to have very bad nightmares and both would react. It would have been a bad situation to put ourselves in at that time. For example, if I screamed in my sleep he could wake up thinking he or his unit is being attacked and unintentionally hurt me. Or (and it is not uncommon in PTSD support groups to hear this), he could have a nightmare of being back in a war zone and attack the body (mine) next to him. This is an issue of the past and once we got the go ahead from both therapists we took the step of sleeping in the same bed.

 

Are you a Walking Dead fan? It's the same here. Here may have a psychological condition that requires care and treatment and concern and compassion. But it is still unacceptable, dangerous and illegal for him to lash out with violence.

 

I have never watched the show, but I can understand how you are trying to relate zombies to this scenario.

 

I have a daughter and if I witness any man treating my daughter that way or doing that to me, we are going to go to Pound Town right then and there and he is going to get his azz kicked by a pi$$ed off father. Then he is going to be given the option of getting himself straightened up and flying right, or he is really going to have some trouble.

 

I respect your opinion. You do realize that it's not as simple as just "straighten up", right? Let's try and explain it like this.... How do you think you would feel if you blacked out and when you came to you were beating your daughter and you had no idea why? You would probably immediately back up with your hands up trying to think what the hell just happened and feel absolutely TERRIBLE.

 

(A personal note, trying to "kick someones ***" in his position while being triggered or having a flashback is not going to end well. Someone, most likely yourself, could end up seriously injured. Don't underestimate the training that your country instilled in these men and the tasks they put them through.)

 

Your husbands behaviour is reactionary, and that in it self is a problem. This not the same as a anger management issue, this is what was taught to him. When you feel your life is threatened, you must react immediately, or your life may end. Your husband may still be in a war zone. He has never been properly debriefed. The triggers are real and the reactions will continue until he "comes home" Your parents are unfortunately correct. This is the price some pay for their sanity.

 

My husband has not totally readjusted from life in a war zone. To him, at times, he is still there. He was constantly there for years but it is something that he and is therapist and program are working on. He is a lot better now, but yes he is reactive. Because he was trained and required to react immediately.

 

Simple things such as what movie do you want to watch or what do you want for dinner are things that if he's not reminding himself to think about it he will instantly blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. It's a constant reminder to him to think first, then do. As he does it more and more it becomes routine to think then do. But violet or threatening situations are still hard for him to think first in.

 

I am the total opposite. Choosing things was a struggle for me. Choosing dinner or a movie shouldn't cause anxiety but it did for a long time. After I got myself to realize that I wasn't raped because I watched the wrong movie it got easier.

 

Whether he means to or not, he IS isolating you from your family. He's driving a wedge between you and people who clearly love you due to his inexcusable violence. I don't believe it's Stockholm syndrome, but it's a huge problem and you are in denial.

 

The way that I see it is that my parents are pushing that wedge deeper and deeper. They could at least try to understand. Just because they have seen a few bad times in 6 years doesn't mean the marriage is full of bad times. In the walls of our home we are happy.

 

Whenever my parents see us as a "normal couple" or see him being affectionate, caring, etc. they say that he has convinced me to put on a show or he is just putting on a show. That is not true at all. We are much more often a happy, "normal" appearing couple than we are a dangerous, dysfunctional couple. They choose to ignore that and focus on the few times something negative has happened.

 

You came here looking for unbiased opinions on your circumstances regarding whether you marriage is a sham. Folks have pointed out the glaring red flags, but you have chosen to defend the relationship/marriage in each an every response.

 

I am truly trying to understand from others point of view and not be in denial. I came here for a reason. There is no point for me to come and sit in denial. I am really trying to understand. To me it is not so much trying to protect my marriage and husband as it is trying to get people to understand our side, just as much as I need to understand the other side.

 

I suspect that your real question isn't whether 'your marriage is a sham or not' but 'how can you get your parents to support it?'

 

What would you say if I asked that question? Really, I'd love if my parents would just support me, my marriage and the decisions that I make.

 

I don't see a point in being married if there is no real passion. I think I agree that your marriage is a sham because you are using each other for treatment for a mental condition that your are already in treatment for---which isn't the point of being married.

 

Having passion is having strong, intense feeling towards something or someone. We have that. We are attracted to each other, he's incredibly sexy, and we both get turned on by each other. We get excited to see each other and do things together. Our passion for each other just doesn't end in sex. Not because we don't want it to, we do, but because we aren't there yet.

 

I don't think either of us are using each other as a personal therapist. We have our own that we see regularly, we are both in group programs. We are totally open with each other but we do not talk to each other the way we do with therapists.

 

I also think you are establishing for yourself an unhealthy co-dependence by using your husband as a form of treatment for your PTSD. I won't discuss his, unless he posts himself.

 

I won't deny this. I probably am dependent on him. He makes me feel safe, he gets me and understands me and accepts me. I don't get that same vibe from him and when asked he said no.

 

People fear what they don't understand. They don't understand your marriage as it's not the norm, I don't understand your marriage either.

 

You have 2 choices, either try to put up better appearances that your marriage is exactly like every other marriage even if it isn't, or take more effort to explain it and show it to the people who care about you.

 

The issue is, we do present like a "normal" marriage most of the time. But my parents are stuck on any negatives that have ever happened. And both of our friends are stuck on we're just clinging to each other.

 

For the record, my husbands parents do not have a problem with our relationship. The only things they have ever commented on is the choice to have no kids (they want grandkids) and in the past making sure we were being safe (like the sharing the bed scenario further up this post).

 

OP, I don't really know why you both think you absolutely need to be in a relationship/marriage. Sounds to me like you would be better off out of it. Living with someone violent has emotional consequences that likely will ruin your life further.

 

Can you elaborate on that?

 

----------------------------------

Sorry for the length and time delay. I wanted to respond to everyone and I have a hard time processing and getting my words out clearly.

[BettyDraper]

With what you have shared about your husband and the way you keep excusing his behavior, I am not surprised that your parents think you have Stockholm Syndrome or called the police.

 

I have Complex PTSD from being abused. I still do not hit people just because I was beaten mercilessly or I feel triggered. I have only been violent when someone has attacked me first.

 

You are determined to stay in this unhealthy marriage despite several red flags so I don't know how to help you. Your family will never accept your husband due to his behavior.

[ChocolateRain]

I feel like almost everybody here doesn't understand how PTSD, and especially war PTSD,

 

Dear OP

 

i have worked for the Military for over 20 Years ... i have seen men and women crushed and crumbled when they have returned from Mission . Some had PTSD so Severely they had to be institutionalized .His PTSD is no Joke and i understand where you are coming from ( i can only imagine what he must have gone through ) . i really blame the aftercare but that's another topic .

 

At the same time i can understand your Parents concern for you , i mean bad things have happened in the past just check some News Reports .

 

At the same time he suffers a great deal and i take this into consideration and as you claim he is in Therapy ,so he is getting care .

At the same time you have issues to deal with as well ...

 

it's just bad when someone leaves Marks on your body and this can also affect you psychologically ...you know the reality ...this is considered domestic abuse ...

 

However, i am or want to be optimistic and believe that both of you are seeking all the help you can get ...

 

best of Luck

[Mr. Lucky]

If an "incident" does happen it's because something triggered it. Depending on how it presents itself (violence vs fear) he doesn't always even remember it happening and when he comes out of it he doesn't know what happened.

 

By putting yourself in this dangerous position, you're not contributing to his treatment and recovery. Think of the additional psychological trauma and setback he'd experience if he seriously hurt you, even if that action was unintentional.

 

Sometimes we need to express our love for others by making difficult choices. You'll have to decide if your existing relationship is worth the price he might be asked to pay...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dpass]

Here are the points that I am stuck on. Take this as a grain of salt as it is coming from a man who has not been married before and doesn't have experience with PTSD.

 

We both suffer from severe PTSD. Mine is from sexual assualt, my husbands is from his time spent in the military. We are not sexually intimate. It is something that we are BOTH working towards and making progress.

We are both attracted to each other, we both get turned on, get the urge to have sex, we kiss and make out, cuddle. We have not had sex with each other. The extent of our sexual relationship [as of right now] is seeing each other naked and being comfortable laying naked together and very light touching. We're taking it slow and we're happy with that.

...You say that you do not hold each other back. You also say that you both are working towards sex. I understand why sex would be difficult on your end of the relationship. My GF was raped, I get it. But why is it difficult for your husband? Unless he was raped (male rape does happen) I cannot see why he would have a problem with sex. I can see a lot of other problems but sex is not one that comes to mind (other than he is using you as a beard -gay and army don't mix- which could be a very real possibility).

 

6 years is a new definition of "taking it slow". If I am missing the reason why he is unable to have sex then I apologize. What happens if he is ready to have sex before you are? Or vise versa. That would literally be holding the other one back from progressing. You pointed out that you have not had sex with eachother. Have either of you had sex before? You say you both get horny does he have sex with other women or do you have reason to suspect he is cheating (male or female)?

 

 

 

We don't have children because no sex = no babies. Two parents who both have PTSD would never get approved for adoption. And my husband does not trust himself fully to be around a child.

Few reasons. Because children are unpredictable in behavior and he needs predictable. There has never been any issues with children but he doesn't want to take the risk. And because of some things that happened he does not feel worthy to have children.

That's all fine and dandy. But do YOU want kiddos? The fact that you mentioned adoption means you have considered it at some level, yet he doesn't want kids because -in your words- he does not trust himself. It is not all about him.

 

 

 

And because of some things that happened he does not feel worthy to have children.

My dad has never had to kill someone or shoot a child, he has never seen his friends be blow to a million pieces or lived in constant fear.

Are the "some things that happened" that he did have to "shoot a child"? If so, I can try and grasp that he doesn't feel worthy to have his own child, and that.... could be a hard rock to turn. Edited June 16, 2016 by dpass

[RecentChange]

I feel like almost everybody here doesn't understand how PTSD, and especially war PTSD, can present itself. He is reactive but he is not abusive. He has never come up to me and just starting hitting me or pushing me around. If an "incident" does happen it's because something triggered it. Depending on how it presents itself (violence vs fear) he doesn't always even remember it happening and when he comes out of it he doesn't know what happened.

 

Everything you have posted so far makes me FEAR FOR YOUR SAFETY (and I have a feeling you are giving us the rosy version).

 

I don't think he is a bad person, or an abuser. My heart breaks for him. War is such a terrible thing, and I can't imagine the demons he is fighting. You love him, and I am sure it hurts you to see him this way, and I understand you want to support him.

 

But here is the thing. He is ill, very very ill. And you are not equipped to fix him. He has left MARKS ON YOUR NECK, he has PINNED YOUR FATHER TO A WALL. That is frightening.

 

I understand he doesn't WANT to do these things, and he can't CONTROL doing these things.

 

And that is what makes it even scarier. What if he has a terrible trigger, and completely blacks out - and - chokes you into unconsciousness? Or injuries you? Or worse?

 

Not to mention his attacks must be horribly frightening for you! I couldn't imagine the level of panic I would feel if my loved one triggered, blacked out and attacked me! Do not live in fear of him triggering? Does it not scare you when he triggers? It HAS to be frightening!

 

That isn't good for anyone's mental health, especially someone suffering from PTSD themselves.

 

It reminds me of an abused dog. The dog doesn't want to attack a gentle hand that reaches for him, but he has these terrible reactions due to abuse. So now, unfortunately this "good dog" simply can't be trusted. This dog must be handled by professionals only. This dog may be rehabilitated, but it will always have this "thing" that must be acknowledged. This dog can NEVER be left with a baby for instance.

 

I feel like you are the baby left in the room with the traumatized dog. Its a dangerous situation. Not the dogs fault, not the babies fault, but the two can't be left alone.

Edited June 16, 2016 by RecentChange

[noelle303]

While I carefully read your response and I emphatize greatly with your husband and his issues, I still do believe that I would also be extremely concerned for my child in that situation.

 

Maybe he didn't INTENTIONALLY hurt you. But he still hurt you. Can you honestly say that you are never worried about him having a reaction and you getting seriously injured? Cause I can see how your parents would be, after all this man physically attacked your father and screamed in his face for relatively nothing.

 

I think my opinion on your marriage is irrelevant, you say you're happy for now, who am I to doubt what you're saying about your feelings? As for the future, I guess you'll see how your relationship goes as both of your conditions change.

 

For now, I suggest you offer your parents to attend counseling as well to learn more about these disorders and understand them better. Don't withdraw from them because your angry, try and see where they're coming from. They love you more than anything and have already witnessed you suffering after your sexual assault, they just want to protect you from further harm. Pulling back from them is only going to make them more suspicious.

Edited June 16, 2016 by noelle303

[DreamP]

Is your marriage real? Yes. Lack of sex does not legally nullify a marriage. You may use that in a divorce, but it does not automatically void a marriage. Marriage is a legal contract. You have that. You also have lots of feelings involved for it to be a relationship.

 

What you do have is a dangerous situation. I don't think your husband is in a situation where he can be living so closely with somebody without supervision. I don't consider what he is doing abuse, but that doesn't mean it isn't dangerous.

 

Your parents are not helping the situation, but they also have reason to be concerned. Your husband's parents are OK with the situation because it's not their child that is in danger. Your friends are OK with the situation just like other people sit around not doing anything when they know there is an abusive relationship going on (not saying your husband is abusive).

 

This is my suggestion:

Don't live together. Not until your husband is able to 100% control his actions and not have violent reactions to unpredictable situations.

 

Have your parents come to some of your joint therapy sessions. They need to learn about your husband's disease. This is not about getting them to see it your way. This is about helping them keep the situation safe. Your parents have real and justifiable concerns. Help them understand the situation better.

[NTV]

 

1.

 

 

I am truly trying to understand from others point of view and not be in denial. I came here for a reason. There is no point for me to come and sit in denial. I am really trying to understand. To me it is not so much trying to protect my marriage and husband as it is trying to get people to understand our side, just as much as I need to understand the other side.

 

 

2.

What would you say if I asked that question? Really, I'd love if my parents would just support me, my marriage and the decisions that I make.

 

 

3.

Having passion is having strong, intense feeling towards something or someone. We have that. We are attracted to each other, he's incredibly sexy, and we both get turned on by each other. We get excited to see each other and do things together. Our passion for each other just doesn't end in sex. Not because we don't want it to, we do, but because we aren't there yet.

 

 

 

The other things responses appear to be the end of those lines of conversation between us, so I will just address these three.

 

 

In response to 1:

I think a big piece your missing is that you are defending his violence with the PTSD justification. If I were driving down the road, and saw a squirrel and said 'F you squirrel!' and ran him over.... or I was looking at my phone and did it by accident..... does the intention make any difference to the dead squirrel? When the folks here and your parents say that they fear for your safety based on the things you describe, it's a honest fear that you will be a dead squirrel. It's not a judgment on what the motorist was thinking.

 

 

In response to 2:

If you want your parents support? Well, you could address all their concerns about your safety, wellbeing, and treatment with your husband and have safety measure in place. So he goes PTSD bonkers and starts choking you? A tazer is an acceptable response. One that maybe he and your folks could live with. Ultimately, I don't think they will ever approve until they think you are safe. So there's 2 ways to get there: get to a safe place or lie to them so they believe you are. And I don't vote for lying, but you do whatever you want.

 

 

In response to 3:

Yeah, not being there yet seems really weird. And like a very disappointing honeymoon. Maybe the choice to blindfold each other and just get it on is a possibility? Maybe there's more to the story not being told (i.e. one of you have HIV and the other doesn't?)... IDK. I think there are missing pieces that I can't truly offer ideas/options about until they're placed.

[BettyDraper]

I think inpatient treatment for your husband is in order. There must be some kind of funding from the military for this. Outpatient therapy is clearly not enough since he is hurting people.

 

The reason doesn't matter...especially if your husband ends up killing you or hurting someone else who may call the authorities on him. If the police keep getting calls about the same person being violent, they will eventually arrest your husband and that will worsen an already precarious situation.

[Rylie]

Sometimes I am like a brick wall and nothing that is said to me will ever get past that wall, and I don't even realize. Anyone could say the same thing over and over until the cows come home and it will never get past the wall. Especially, almost exclusively, when my guard goes up. Then there are times when there is a crack in the wall and things can get by and I actually hear them.

 

I've had many therapy sessions ended because of it. Guard and wall goes up and we're done. Most of the time I don't realize.

 

To be completely honest, because what is the point in not being open and honest, the few posters who said the following are the ones who can start to get through.

 

1. "i have worked for the Military for over 20 Years ... His PTSD is no Joke and i understand where you are coming from ( i can only imagine what he must have gone through"

2. "I don't think he is a bad person, or an abuser. My heart breaks for him. War is such a terrible thing, and I can't imagine the demons he is fighting."

3. "While I carefully read your response and I emphatize greatly with your husband and his issues, I still do believe that I would also be extremely concerned for my child in that situation."

 

It's not that they were on my side, because they aren't but it's just the way it comes off to me. Even if they don't really believe what they are saying.

 

-----------------------------------

 

I have Complex PTSD from being abused. I still do not hit people just because I was beaten mercilessly or I feel triggered. I have only been violent when someone has attacked me first.

 

You are determined to stay in this unhealthy marriage despite several red flags so I don't know how to help you. Your family will never accept your husband due to his behavior.

 

I am not physically violent with people either but PTSD shows in different ways. His is very typical for war vets. I hear it very often from other women in military support groups.

 

To me, most of the time, I do not see it as unhealthy. If to me it's not an unhealthy relationship then of course I don't want to lose it. I want what is best for both of us, whatever that is.

 

By putting yourself in this dangerous position, you're not contributing to his treatment and recovery. Think of the additional psychological trauma and setback he'd experience if he seriously hurt you, even if that action was unintentional.

 

I want to help him the way that he helps me. I don't want to make his life worse or make him feel worse about himself. He always feels terrible after something happens and it does get talked about in therapy. Nothing really happens anymore. I suppose there is always a possibility that it could but it's not fair to say that he should die alone. Just like people say I should always be alone because I haven't been able to have sex yet and have a slew of other issues.

 

I mean, that's my husband. I love him just as much as any other happily married couple. Possibly more because of everything we have been through together. I don't want to lose him anymore than any other happy spouse wants to see their spouse walk out.

 

I don't want to be not good enough for him.

 

...You say that you do not hold each other back. You also say that you both are working towards sex. I understand why sex would be difficult on your end of the relationship. My GF was raped, I get it. But why is it difficult for your husband? Unless he was raped (male rape does happen) I cannot see why he would have a problem with sex. I can see a lot of other problems but sex is not one that comes to mind (other than he is using you as a beard -gay and army don't mix- which could be a very real possibility).

 

Because sex causes flashbacks for both of us. For me it's obvious and expected. For my husband it's flashbacks of being in a war zone. In the beginning if he got an erection he would have a flashback, that led to ED, that was worked through. Now he can have an erection without flashbacks but ejaculating would cause them.

 

And with sex, comes ejaculating. He doesn't know how he would react. And that is too vulnerable of a position for me to be in with my history. He doesn't know if he would be able to control not ejaculating or the opposite, if he would even be able to.

 

For me it's the actual act of penetration. I know it will cause flashbacks and I'm not ready for that. For myself and also because my flashbacks could trigger him. Usually mine don't trigger his, usually. Because they present differently.

My husband is not gay. Nothing against gay people (and my heart breaks for Orlando), but my husband is not one of them.

 

What happens if he is ready to have sex before you are? Or vise versa. That would literally be holding the other one back from progressing. You pointed out that you have not had sex with eachother. Have either of you had sex before? You say you both get horny does he have sex with other women or do you have reason to suspect he is cheating (male or female)?

 

The real answer is I don't know. We have spent years working and growing together, in unison. Our previous sex lives are irrelevant.

 

I will repeat, my husband is not gay. And he is not cheating. And (as another poster mentioned) he doesn't have HIV.

 

That's all fine and dandy. But do YOU want kiddos? The fact that you mentioned adoption means you have considered it at some level, yet he doesn't want kids because -in your words- he does not trust himself. It is not all about him.

 

I'm in no place to have children right now.

 

But here is the thing. He is ill, very very ill. And you are not equipped to fix him. He has left MARKS ON YOUR NECK, he has PINNED YOUR FATHER TO A WALL. That is frightening.

 

And that is what makes it even scarier. What if he has a terrible trigger, and completely blacks out - and - chokes you into unconsciousness? Or injuries you? Or worse?

 

Not to mention his attacks must be horribly frightening for you! I couldn't imagine the level of panic I would feel if my loved one triggered, blacked out and attacked me! Do not live in fear of him triggering? Does it not scare you when he triggers? It HAS to be frightening!

 

I feel like he gets a bad rap because his PTSD shows more clearly than mine does. His parents never tell him that he shouldn't be with me because of all my issues, because they generally can't see them and what they can see they have grown accustomed to as "quirks". Like I cannot shake the hand of a man I do not know, you'll rarely hear a thank you come out of me. The things that are deep in our relationship, they don't know about.

 

Yes, it is a possibility that he could hurt me really badly. If I take things into account like

 

-he's a man so he is already physically larger than my 5'2 105lb self.

-he is extremely fit and is in the gym daily to release stress

-he was trained to kill people

-he has "blackout" flashbacks and isn't aware of what he does (if they are violent)

 

But that is just the pure facts. It doesn't take into consideration that he (and I) has been in continuous therapy since he came home. And that those incidents don't really happen anymore. Mostly because he has made a lot of progress, and partly because I know his triggers like the back of my hand. But yes, things could go very, very wrong.

 

It is terrifying in the moment when it's happening. It's worse than being attacked by a stranger because he doesn't know what he's doing. He's not capable in the moment of seeing how bad I'm being hurt.

 

I don't live in fear of it happening because it doesn't really happen anymore. But yes I do get scared that something will set him off. Especially in new situations that I'm not sure how it will play out.

 

And it does cause problems for me because the cause of my PTSD was being attacked, beaten and raped. So when it use to happen if would bring that back for me.

 

This is my suggestion:

Don't live together. Not until your husband is able to 100% control his actions and not have violent reactions to unpredictable situations.

 

Have your parents come to some of your joint therapy sessions. They need to learn about your husband's disease. This is not about getting them to see it your way. This is about helping them keep the situation safe. Your parents have real and justifiable concerns. Help them understand the situation better.

 

I really don't know if I would be able to do that. I love living with him, it would be really difficult to be apart from him. I need to be with him.

 

I got my parents to go to therapy once but they wouldn't go again.

 

I think inpatient treatment for your husband is in order. There must be some kind of funding from the military for this. Outpatient therapy is clearly not enough since he is hurting people.

 

The reason doesn't matter...especially if your husband ends up killing you or hurting someone else who may call the authorities on him. If the police keep getting calls about the same person being violent, they will eventually arrest your husband and that will worsen an already precarious situation.

 

He was hospitalized for a long time when he first got home.

 

My husband was arrested once because of my parents calling and it wasn't dropped until his therapist confirmed what I was saying. And it made things a hell of a lot worse temporarily and it was a bad, bad scene when the cops were there and arresting him. Because his mind went right back to being in a war zone and those cops were not on his side. Let's just say he didn't go willingly.

[RecentChange]

I feel like he gets a bad rap because his PTSD shows more clearly than mine does. His parents never tell him that he shouldn't be with me because of all my issues, because they generally can't see them and what they can see they have grown accustomed to as "quirks". Like I cannot shake the hand of a man I do not know, you'll rarely hear a thank you come out of me. The things that are deep in our relationship, they don't know about.

 

Yes, it is a possibility that he could hurt me really badly. If I take things into account like

 

-he's a man so he is already physically larger than my 5'2 105lb self.

-he is extremely fit and is in the gym daily to release stress

-he was trained to kill people

-he has "blackout" flashbacks and isn't aware of what he does (if they are violent)

 

But that is just the pure facts. It doesn't take into consideration that he (and I) has been in continuous therapy since he came home. And that those incidents don't really happen anymore. Mostly because he has made a lot of progress, and partly because I know his triggers like the back of my hand. But yes, things could go very, very wrong.

 

It is terrifying in the moment when it's happening. It's worse than being attacked by a stranger because he doesn't know what he's doing. He's not capable in the moment of seeing how bad I'm being hurt.

 

I don't live in fear of it happening because it doesn't really happen anymore. But yes I do get scared that something will set him off. Especially in new situations that I'm not sure how it will play out.

 

And it does cause problems for me because the cause of my PTSD was being attacked, beaten and raped. So when it use to happen if would bring that back for me.

 

Because not shaking someone's hand is not even close to the realm of physically attacking someone.

 

You may not be mentally healthy, but your condition poses no risk to his physical health. HIS DOES. Big difference, HUGE difference, not even comparable in the least.

 

Its tragic that he is capable of acting out this way, and its good to hear that he is improving, but he is not cured.

 

I just.....What if someone set off an M80 unexpectedly, what if he has a PTSD black out and attacks you? He could KILL YOU. This is a reality. This is a FACT.

 

Have you tried empathizing with your parents? Can you understand the level of fear that they most likely live in - fearing for the safety of someone they love the most?

 

I know he didn't ask for this, I know its not his fault, I know he doesn't WANT to be like this - I am sure it tears him up, I am sure hurting you is the very very last thing in the world he would ever want to do.

 

But he is capable of it. And currently, not 100% capable of controlling it.

 

That HAS to be scary for him, for you, and we know its scary for your family.

 

And tip toeing around triggers is a stressful way to live. Its not healthy, its not easy for someone who doesn't have PTSD, I can't help to think it only adds to anxieties you have.

 

I spent a few years living with someone who's triggers (in this case boarder line personality disorder) had to be avoided. It made me a WRECK, I was stressed, grew anxious, never knowing what could possibly come next, and knowing that I couldn't reasonably PREDICT what would come next.

 

And I didn't have PTSD, I was mentally healthy before that situation, and you know, returned right back to my old self as soon as I was out of there. They call it "walking on egg shells" and its no way to live.

 

I know you love and care for him - but this situation is sad and scary, and can't be ignored.

[dpass]

For my husband it's flashbacks of being in a war zone. In the beginning if he got an erection he would have a flashback, that led to ED, that was worked through. Now he can have an erection without flashbacks but ejaculating would cause them.

 

....wait.... How does war have anything to do with his penis?

 

Ok.... I retract. This was an interesting read How PTSD Can Lead to Sexual Dysfunction and ED ....You may find it helpful or maybe you already know it all. Might be a bigger problem then you think....

[Dolfin80]

....wait.... How does war have anything to do with his penis?

 

Ok.... I retract. This was an interesting read How PTSD Can Lead to Sexual Dysfunction and ED ....You may find it helpful or maybe you already know it all. Might be a bigger problem then you think....

 

Wow I never knew soldiers can ejaculate whilst killing. I wonder if serial killers experience this too.

[dpass]

Wow I never knew soldiers can ejaculate whilst killing. I wonder if serial killers experience this too.

 

Weird right? Not something I ever thought I'd read. Takes a whole knew meaning to saying "is that what gets your jollies off".

 

OP..... Is it not hard for you -as a rape victim- to want to be intimate with a man who literally got off from violence?

 

Our previous sex lives are irrelevant.

.....And this. I don't agree. If he has slept with other women since he came home would that not mean he doesn't have the same issue you do and is being held back?

 

Or do you not know his sex history? Is there a reason for that? Ashamed.... maybe. Promiscuous past or like I already said.... gay.

 

....even with the above issue.... 6 years is a very, very long time. That article said they saw improvement in months.... not years. Especially not 6 years.

[ChocolateRain]

Weird right? Not something I ever thought I'd read. Takes a whole knew meaning to saying "is that what gets your jollies off".

 

OP..... Is it not hard for you -as a rape victim- to want to be intimate with a man who literally got off from violence?

 

.....And this. I don't agree. If he has slept with other women since he came home would that not mean he doesn't have the same issue you do and is being held back?

 

Or do you not know his sex history? Is there a reason for that? Ashamed.... maybe. Promiscuous past or like I already said.... gay.

 

....even with the above issue.... 6 years is a very, very long time. That article said they saw improvement in months.... not years. Especially not 6 years.

 

i think your post is a bit hurtful dont you think ?

 

OP is dealing with enough problems at this Point and talking about her husbands issues '' without knowing his precise Health Code '' is just a bit harsh .

 

You know ...these guys fight for their Country and when they return the health care is often very poor imho .

 

Not all Military wives divorce their husbands upon returning from War its very hard to deal with .

 

OP made the choice to marry this man and i am sure she will not divorce him because ppl suggest it .

 

They both deal with hardship and i wish them recovery ...

 

i hope her husband is able to deal with his situation and i hope OP does as well .

 

i also hope she is able to draw the line if his situation should worsen .

Apparently he is in Therapy so we can all hope for OP's sake that the Therapists know what they are doing otherwise he would have been in inpatient care ....

[Dolfin80]

Weird right? Not something I ever thought I'd read. Takes a whole knew meaning to saying "is that what gets your jollies off".

 

OP..... Is it not hard for you -as a rape victim- to want to be intimate with a man who literally got off from violence?

 

 

You have jumped to conclusions here, it's the guy in the article that accidentally did this.

[ShatteredLady]

If I completely disregard the physical danger & answer your question.... It sounds like you have a very strong marriage with a huge amount of communication, compassion & empathy. Will one of you outgrow the other? That applies to all marriages, doesn't it?

 

 

The main issue here seems to be the potential for violence.

 

Please try to be understanding of your parents. At some point they were told that a horrific nightmare had come true...their little girl was beaten & raped. Of course they are incredibly protective of you.

 

You are describing your H as improving & dealing with his issues. PLEASE monitor his behavior & changes.

 

I'm bias, very bias. A person very close to my life was found not guilty by reason of insanity in court last week. Lawyers, a judge & a jury of his peers agreed that his 'sickness' made him 'not guilty'.

A wonderful, dear family is still destroyed. Lovely people still died violently & tragically. He will spend his life in a secure unit.

There WERE warning signs. The family tried to deal with it because they didn't want him to live with the stigma of having him committed.

 

I don't think that anything that anyone here says will make you leave. Please promise me that your choice is NOT unconditional. If his control or PARANOIA changes, FOR HIS SAKE, don't make the mistake of not consulting professionals (including the police) if his situation/perception ever changes.