"Never let them take what you have got..."

[Brapting]

So this strange thing happened at work today. By strange I mean deeply profound and emotional.

 

I am a guy. I work in a office with two women. One is my manager. To say that they both go at me is an understatement. Often it is borderline bullying. I get on okay with them but they are somewhat superficial and immature. I don't want to psychoanalyse them but they seem quite insecure and over concerned with what other people think...their perceived pride and social status. We are all around the same age and whilst I am by no means 'secure', I feel that I have passed that stage of my life and the stresses it brings a long time ago.

 

Despite this I think that I am quite a quiet and shy guy. I think that I am extremely loving and capable of being very kind, thoughtful and empathetic. I know that I have great emotional depth...I feel things very deeply. I am compassionate and I can be open. Most of the day I spend getting verbally battered by the two women. They occasionally tell me that they are "only joking" but all too often they go too far and say unpleasant and hurtful things. Normally I just go quiet and carry on with my work while they laugh at me. Recently it got particularly bad and I became very down.

 

It upset me a lot, the lack of respect and consideration. I read things online about how they were "jealous" of something that I have. How it was them and not me it was them...but in that environment it can be very hard to believe it and I struggled to recognise and 'know' what exactly they could be jealous of. I mean what did I have? What is there that they could possibly be jealous of? I am sad to say that I began believing that there was something wrong with me...that what they were saying, how they behaved was in someway justified.

 

But...today something happened. A manager from another department came in. I always thought he was very likeable and he began chatting to us. Recently a member of his staff had a pet that died. The two women were aware of this and found it very amusing that this man placed so much importance on his pet and were aware that he had wanted some time off work to grieve for an animal (they also found this extremely amusing). While they howled with laughed and tried to encourage the manager to join in with their taunts, I looked straight at him and kind of forced a halfhearted smile and looked at each of the women and rolled my eyes...not that this kind of response has ever effected how they conducted themselves. The manager forced a halfhearted smile and looked at me straight in the eye too.

 

It is not that it wasn't mildly amusing or an unusual situation for a grown man to place so much importance on an animal...it was more that I felt empathy for him. Sure it was strange...but if he really did care that much for something, even if it was a pet, I feel sorry for him and his loss...and I certainly wasn't going to pretend to laugh to just to join in. I wasn't judging them for their response, I just knew that for me, it didn't seem right. The manager seemed to sense that I was uncomfortable and I sensed that he was too.

 

The manager quickly asked me what it was like working in the department. I think he was partially trying to change the subject although he was still on good terms with me, the women and the conversation. With a smile, I joked that "I get a lot of abuse". The women howled with laughter again and after smiling the manager looked me dead in the eye, pointed each way to the women and clearly and confidently said "never let them take what you have got from you". Both women went very quiet and looked down and seemed very uncomfortable. He had not said it to be confrontational and it wasn't...the conversation quickly returned to normal...but on reflection it deeply effected me.

 

With this whole situation, day in, day out, I can see that I have begun to doubt myself...my judgement...my everything. Hearing someone recognise that in some way, I am special...that I have actually got something unique and valuable...made me never want to doubt its value ever again.

 

It is strange that one 'offhand' comment can have such an effect on someone...but it feels like it has:)

Edited June 15, 2016 by Brapting

[Buddhist]

Those women are your typical arseholes. People like that are everywhere. They make a career out of putting others down because they haven't got much for themselves. I spent the last 10yrs working with people like that. They're the equivalent of human seagulls, noisy, bothersome and common.

 

Think of them like seagulls and you'll think less of what they have to say.

[ufo8mycat]

Never let them take your kindness, empathy and compassion.

 

 

you might enjoy this.

[GemmaUK]

I felt every moment of that interaction you described Brapting.

That Manager is spot on and absolutely right! You two really connected there and the video posted by ufo8mycat (love that name) was perfect.

 

Don't forget what he said anytime these women dig at you.

 

Your post reminded me of a situation at work not long ago.

There's an account manager (Clare) who has an assistant (Becks)who works with her. They sit right at the far end corner of our open plan office.

It's a huge area which all departments sit in different sections and none of the directors have offices - it really is all open.

 

Becks went off sick back in February and was off for a month due to work stress. Only a select few of us knew why she was signed off and I happened to be one of them.

While Becks was away Clare asked me to cover a report which Becks usually did which needed to be sent to the customer.

I found a lot of missing items in this report and once I filtered that info back to Clare she said that the customer had asked Becks for it and Becks had gone right ahead without discussing it with anyone and had been updating and sending the report for over a year.

Long story short, Becks came back and I discovered Clare had lied. Clare had asked Becks to do the report.

While I had been working on it I had numerous problems working with Clare and when she came back I opened up to her about it - she in return did the same.

 

Becks has become aware (initially via me) that there are many who have problems when working with Clare and Becks has since opened up to a few folk about her issues.

Clare is pretty much a bully and bullies rely on their victim being isolated.

 

Becks is much happier than she was simply because she knows there's a few of us who she can vent to or even just pass a comment to who totally understand her. It keeps her sane knowing she isn't the only one.

 

That other Manager at your place - much as you empathised with him he was also empathising with you on the situation in which you work.

He has given you a sign that you can talk to him - even if you pass in the hallway you can throw in a 'well, I'd better get back to the boxing ring'..

 

Your best defence is to have an out - a few people you can let o a little steam to - it will be the one thing that will alleviate your doubts simply because you won't feel isolated - which in turn will make you realise that it's most definitely not you - it's them.

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP I totally get it. At work, I have a what I call "mean girls club". They are really middle aged women that find it very amsuing to bully and make fun of people that are shy, not confident, socially awkward or even mentally ill. They see themselves above everyone but I actually pity them. Luckily, I found a group of people that feel the same way as me and we just completely ignore them. They are constantly stirring up drama and take joy in seeing others suffer

 

Seriously, we are not in high school anymore.

[dichotomy]

If your company has a harassment policy in the company manual or online - make sure you read it very carefully - just in-case they are creating a hostile work environment.

[spiderowl]

You sound like a compassionate, deep-thinking guy, who is working with idiots and bullies. See if you can get to know the other manager and get a different job. He clearly could see what was going on and was supporting you. I bet he'd be supportive if you made contact with him. Is there any way you can do this? I don't know what his role was as a visitor.

 

Don't let these women get to you. Sometimes a change of job can make all the difference. The people you work with matter a great deal - they can make life fun or hell. It sounds like you have managers from hell.

 

Look at your company's harrassment policy and make notes of the kinds of comments you get. Are you a member of a union? You could seek advice from them. Just knowing there are people in the background who are aware of your circumstances could make you feel a bit better and give you some way out of this negative situation.

[spiderowl]

You know, thinking about this further, it is about boundaries - knowing what is you and what is them and not letting them make you behave in a way that goes against your true nature and values. Stay true to your integrity. There will be people who recognise this in you and it is so precious.