lamar_84 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 My wife and I have been married for 2 years. I'll Anniversary is on the 21st. Last Monday, She told me that she is not happy and wants to split. She says that I don't communicate with her enough and don't show her any attention and is now tired of it. She says she feels nothing for me and is numb to the entire situation. I pleaded my case and admitted to my lack of attention and begged for a chance to make this right, but she just keeps saying the same thing. We went to marriage counseling today and she basically told the counselor the same thing, that she could leave the marriage now with the way she's feeling. She did say that she is willing to try to fix the marriage and the counselor gave us a few techniques to work on. I tried talking to her once we got home, but she says that she needs time to figure out if her feelings will change. Should I sit around and wait for her to figure out what she wants to do or should i protect my heart and just throw in the towel. I feel like her feelings won't change and she will keep me on ice for months before she finally calls it quits like she has been saying all along. What should I do?? Link to post Share on other sites
seamos Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 I think it depends on what you really want to happen. You'll have to take a chance and risk getting hurt if trying to save your marriage is what you want to do. You've only had a few days since she told you this, a lot of things could still change. You can't really work at fixing things and be ready to throw in the towel at the same time. Just my .2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
idiot 274 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 In my opinion, from what I've learned about this kinda stuff is that once a woman says she's done she's done. When mine started doing her makeup differently, and dressing differently and going to new bars with her friends I knew what was going on .so when she told me she was done and filing for divorce she got not one argument from me. Let her go if that's what she wants. F it good riddance Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 As I see it, she has already checked out of your relationship, and her willing to 'work it out' is just a verbal gesture she makes, that's how nobody will say to her "you didn't try". You're afraid that if you don't give her attention, (as she claimed you to previously behave), you will lose her, and you hope that if you act like a doormat for some time, she will change her mind. Well, the odds for that are very small in my eyes. Do the 180. She now takes what she already has for granted, and just focus on what she misses. Tell her that you gave up, because you respect her wishes. From now no do the 180. Ignore her almost completely (communicate on just the necessary things and very laconically). Ghost her as much as you can. If she wants a divorce, she should do all the paper work, why would you help someone, that so easily wants to split after 2 years, and has no feelings for you anymore? You will do it for yourself, to move on, while getting back some control to your hands while checking out of your marriage. It will surprise her. She might start hating you, but you should stick to the 180. It will very quickly wake her out of her bubble, and if not, it means that there was nothing really to fix in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 This loss of feeling and blaming your lack of communication seem like rather weak excuses and a smokescreen. I would bet my bottom dollar that there is another man on the scene. Waiting to see if her feelings change, she's trying to buy time. If things go well with the other man then she will bail on you. If not then she'll go back to Mr. Reliable who's waiting at home treating her like a princess. Until the next guy comes along, that is. She's using you as a safety net. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear, and even if I'm wrong I think it's worth investigating. Please don't say "I know her, she'd never do that" because that's what they all say. I would say there's enough reasonable doubt here, to justify investigatory action. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamar_84 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Share Posted June 16, 2016 She is asking for a little space and time so she can if this is what she really wants. I feel like the least she could do is just tell me straight up that this is it so I can start my rebuilding process. She tells me that she feels like she owe it to the marriage to try to fix it, but the way she currently feels right now "she could just be done with the whole thing". How long am I suppose to sit back and wait for her to decide if she wants to keep this marriage considering she is the one that brought of all this to me? I thought about the possibility of someone else being in the picture and honestly I wouldn't be surprised at this point if that is the case. The marriage counselor gave us some recommendations and things to try out such as date night, casual conversation, going back to dating, etc. She seems to be open to try all of these recommendations. I'm just so confused and hurt right now I can't even think straight. Link to post Share on other sites
idiot 274 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Start preparing yourself. Have your ducks in a row. If you are the one that may have to move out I suggest you go ahead and get a storage unit, start now. Start looking for a place to crash. Be ready and start now 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 The marriage counselor gave us some recommendations and things to try out such as date night, casual conversation, going back to dating, etc. She seems to be open to try all of these recommendations. I'm just so confused and hurt right now I can't even think straight. I don't believe in those recommendations of the counselor. If there's a chance of her changing her mind or feelings, it can be only after a crisis, or a trauma, or a significant experience she must go through, and only then, she might realize she wants you. The 180 can be one of those things. The situation of "you are in an audition" can never work. Stop it immediately and start to respect yourself first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamar_84 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Share Posted June 16, 2016 I completely agree Lolablue. I feel like I've been in desperation mode and starting to embarrass myself. I have to keep my self-respect intact. Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Get the divorce, it's the right thing to do. I think of the Bonnie Raitt song where she must accept her lover's decision to end the relationship: "I can't make you love me if you don't, I can't make your heart feel something it won't." Your wife doesn't love you anymore. Get the divorce, spend some time un-attached to recover from the divorce, and then work on meeting a new woman who will love you forever. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) She says that I don't communicate with her enough and don't show her any attention and is now tired of it. Marriage counselling is not about one session and quitting, it is about working on the marriage. If she is willing to go to counselling then at least give it your best shot, unless of course you really do not want to be married any longer and your lack of attention and communication was due to you wanting out all along. Edited June 16, 2016 by elaine567 edited quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Also, better to end this relationship while there are no children involved. Much, much worse to try to stay together, then have a child, then divorce after that. You and your wife both deserve you own separate good lives, where each of you are in a relationship with someone else. A relationship ought to be happy, joyful, both the husband and wife are "all in". The namby-pamby "I don't know if this is what I want" is a sure sign that the relationship is wrong. Especially since you're only married 2 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamar_84 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Share Posted June 16, 2016 Elaine, I do want my marriage to work. I'll do whatever it takes. I just can't help but feel like I could be getting strung along. We have our second session on the 30th and we both plan to go and work on what the counselor recommended yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamar_84 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Share Posted June 16, 2016 We have 2 kids. One is from her previous relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Lamar: Yes, you want your marriage to succeed and you're willing to work on it. Your questions to us make it seem that already know in your heart that your wife is not as determined for the marriage to succeed, and not as enthusiastic and not as willing to work on it. Observe very keenly how you and your wife interact with each other at home between now and the 30th. Do you see some joy and happiness amongst the boredom and tiredness of your relationship? Do yo enjoy being with each other in any way? Then observe very keenly what your wife says and does at the counseling session on the 30th. How much is she accepting equal responsibility, and how much is she just criticizing you. All this stuff makes a difference, as you know. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Your wife is hurt and upset, lack of attention and no communication ruins emotional connection, but the fact she is willing to try in counselling, is a good sign. I am not saying you can fix this, but if you want to be married then you have to at least try. She wants to see some commitment from you, some fight for your marriage, she wants to see that you do care FOR HER. If you walk away she will just shake her head and tell herself you never cared all along and she was right to give up. Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Lamar, one other question going all the way back to your first message where you stated "I admitted to my lack of attention." Can you say more details about what happened? You're only married 2 years, so why did you not communicate with her, why did you not pay attention to her? In hindsight, did you just think she would always be around no matter what your behavior is? Why did you marry her? Were you / are you not madly in love with her? Did you / do you not find her extraordinarily interesting? If you had said "I treated her like a queen, but it wasn't enough" then I might say that she is the one with the problem. But your self-admitted "I did stuff wrong" makes me want to know...why were you lackluster? Can you change and turn yourself around enough, or was that the real you she was seeing? If you haven't been treating her like a queen up until now, why not? Do you have in you what it takes to treat her like a queen. I'm not saying this is ALL your fault nor ALL her fault, just trying to figure out if both of you were just being your authentic selves but that didn't work, then how much can you change? Yes, marriage requires "work" and "effort" but it's not supposed to be drudgery work and forced labor, it's supposed to be loving work and heart-felt effort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) She is asking for a little space and time so she can if this is what she really wants. This is another indicator of third party involvement (ie. another man). It is scary how all cheaters use exactly the same phrases over and over. This one is on page 1 of the cheater's handbook, along with "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I bet that one's coming out next, if it hasn't already. The marriage counselor gave us some recommendations and things to try out such as date night, casual conversation, going back to dating, etc. She seems to be open to try all of these recommendations. I'm just so confused and hurt right now I can't even think straight. All of those things are useless if there's another man involved. She's going to go on a date night or whatever but she'll be thinking of him. Is that what you want? She is open to trying all those things because she wants to buy time. She is saying and doing whatever it takes to appease you for now, to put you on the back burner, to give her time to see if things work out with the other man or not, so she can swing back to you if it all falls apart. In fact those things that your counsellor advised are exactly what she wants: to slow things down, back off from a full-on relationship, to buy her some time. To keep you hanging onto hope like a sick puppy while she's off with some other dude. I think you need to find out what's really going on with your marriage here. That probably means snooping. Get her phone password (I bet you a cheese sandwich it's password protected right?), her email password, velcro a voice activated recorder under her car seat. You need to do this sneaky ninja style. If she suspects that you suspect, she will take it totally underground. The last thing you should do is talk to her about it, or confront without confirmation. Edited June 16, 2016 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Lamar: I made an assumption that there were no children, that was dumb on my part! I often ask for advice from others on the Internet, and often I get very useful answers. As you see, I give advice also, and sometimes I know what I'm talking about and sometimes I don't. But overall, we're all asking and answering with only partial facts and partial understanding of the situation. So, your story is much deeper ... she had a previous relationship, with a child. Now she has a current relationship with you, and a child with you. Now she wants to end your relationship, and blaming it on your behavior (lack of communication, lack of attention). Is she right or is she wrong? So, from me, this stranger on the Internet, I'm getting blind insight again that perhaps she has a basic problem with relationships: who she chooses, how much she puts into the relationship, how much she expects from a boyfriend or husband, etc. Also, which of you work outside the home of which of you are stay-at-home? That makes a difference, too. Link to post Share on other sites
PennyP Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 My thought is there is still hope. She was willing to go couple's therapy. This could mean she has not given up all hope on saving the marriage. You said she is not satisfied with the communication and attention you are giving her. Has she given you specific examples? If not, I would ask for her kindly to give you some examples as far as her concern about the communication and attention. Once you have examples start communicating and being more attentive; however you have to be sincere in your communication and attentiveness. Do not assume you are improving. In about a week or so tell her you have been trying to improve in your communication and attentiveness and ask her how she feels you have been doing with your attempted improvement. If you feel comfortable you may want to ask her about your improvement on a scale of 1-10. If you sincerely want your marriage. I say fight for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Overall response, not to any specific question. Do NOT sit around and wait to find out what will happen. Whatever will happen will happen whether you are prepared for it or not. As has been said numerous times here, you cannot control her or the outcome.. So, my strong suggestion is to prepare. See a lawyer to learn the truth about what divorce does where you live in terms custody, support, insurance, joint custody, the role of fault if any, how long it takes contested or uncontested, any quirks of your law like mandatory physical separation and any other questions you can think of. Ask how to separate money without getting into trouble, cancel joint credit cards now so you aren't stuck paying her bills. Also, what does divorce cost for fees and court costs. You don't have to act on these if you don't want to, but you also don't want to be playing catch up ball should a divorce petition be filed. If divorce gets filed, don't sweat the small stuff. Knickknacks aren't that important and if there is a second marriage in your future, the new Mrs. PennyP isn't going to want them around, anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 What happened to end her past marriage(?). Where you involved? Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 She is open to trying all those things because she wants to buy time. She is saying and doing whatever it takes to appease you for now, to put you on the back burner, to give her time to see if things work out with the other man or not, so she can swing back to you if it all falls apart. In fact those things that your counsellor advised are exactly what she wants: to slow things down, back off from a full-on relationship, to buy her some time. To keep you hanging onto hope like a sick puppy while she's off with some other dude. I'm one of the "easy going, give her the benefit of the doubt" kind of guys around here, but I'm agreeing with Peg here... If there was no indication whatsoever that she was unhappy (i.e. bringing up her issues with your lack of attention) before dropping the divorce bomb on you, to me, that is absolutely screaming there is another party involved. Sadly, you are in a very, very, tough place because if there is another party involved you're going to see manipulation on her part rear it's ugly head. As others have said, I would seriously start getting my ducks in a row. You are 2 years into a marriage with someone who has gone through it before, so she is going to know the "in's and out's" of the process... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 We have 2 kids. One is from her previous relationship. Very few women with small kids jump from a marriage without a place to land. As others have said, she's keeping you as Plan B while she test drives a new relationship. Plan accordingly... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 In the absence of abuse, adultery, addiction or complete abandonment on your part, mothers of small children simply do not leave the fathers of their babies unless there is another man involved. Do your due diligence in looking for evidence of another man (actually look for it. Do not ask her, she will just say no). Go through her phone, computer, emails, Facebook etc etc Link to post Share on other sites
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