oldshirt Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 ..... Now that is assuming you have been an involved and active husband and father. If you have spent the last couple years not working, not bringing in an income, sitting drunk on the couch watching TV and going out with your drunk buddies all the time, then she has just cause to get you out from underfoot and you have a ton of work to do if you want to remain married. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 How long am I suppose to sit back and wait for her to decide if she wants to keep this marriage considering she is the one that brought of all this to me? Lamar, you hear this stuff so often. A woman keeps trying to tell her husband she's unhappy and he basically blows her off - and you admit that's what you did. You admit you know you weren't investing any attention into her and this is what happens when you continually blow someone off when they're trying to tell you they're unhappy. They eventually emotionally disengage themselves from that person and reconcile with the fact that they're moving on. I agree with the other poster that said once a woman is done, she's done. I can guarantee you she probably approached you about this more times than you can count. And you did nothing about it. And now that she wants out, you're suddenly saying "I'll do anything to save the marriage!" You had multiple opportunities to do that and chose not to. And unfortunately, THIS is the result. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
funnyman7878 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 You can't be the only one wanting to save it, both of you have to reach that decision mutually. I would just ask her flat out if she is willing to do everything and anything to save the marriage...if the answer is anything other than a resounding "YES! I want to do what it takes to save it" you should not continue further. It does not look like she is too enthusiastic to make it work and she has already made up her mind, sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamar_84 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Share Posted June 17, 2016 It was a break in communication on both of us. There was apparently a lot of things that she has been feeling that she didn't say. Just to give a little more of a background of this situation, we got married in May 2014 and had our wedding June of last year and agreed that would be what we would celebrate. I'm in the Navy and she started working last year. I take care of all the bills and never asked her to pay anything. We've had our ups and downs with communication and intimacy. Last Monday she tells me that she wants out of the relationship because she feels abandoned and she's not happy. She said she's been feeling this way for quite some time now and don't know why she didn't say anything before. I suggested marriage counseling and we had our first session on Wednesday and it went better than I thought. She told the counselor that she feels like she could be done with the marriage and move on now but she is willing to give it a shot to save the marriage. I'm a little confused with that because she's saying she can just be done right now. She says that she needs time to figure this thing out and last night she told me that there's some personal things she needs to work out for herself. I'm trying to give her time and space but it's tough since we're still staying in te same house and trying to just have normal conversation but when I asked about where this is going, is gets really upset and tell me that I'm repeatedly asking her the same question over and over and she can't give me an answer or status yet of our relationship. I'm just freaking out because if she feels that she doesn't want this like she has been saying then why not just tell me that so we can start the process. She also is still wants to do something special for our anniversary this weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 She says that she needs time to figure this thing out and last night she told me that there's some personal things she needs to work out for herself. What things? Didn't you ask? Why is she being so vague and secretive? Sorry I sound like a broken record but every single thing you write makes me think more and more than I am right all along, that there is another guy on the scene here. What other reason for being so secretive about "personal things"? If she was fully committed to saving the marriage then she would tell you what personal things she was trying to work out for herself. Even if you couldn't help, she would tell you what they were. The fact that she hasn't, proves that it's something she wants to hide from you. How many things other than an affair could it be? If you want any hope of saving your marriage you need to find out what's going on, and shut down her affair ASAP. Otherwise you're just watching a train wreck in slow motion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamar_84 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Share Posted June 17, 2016 When I ask her what things she just says that she's not sure and that's what she needs time to figure out. She don't know if it's me or if it's her or both. I just feel in the dark here. She's scheduling individual counseling to help her and I've already started my individual sessions. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 When I ask her what things she just says that she's not sure and that's what she needs time to figure out. Dude, you're being BS'd. This is exactly what I mean. She is being vague and evasive because the truth is that she's having an affair, and she can't very well tell you that, can she? So she avoids it and just gives you some vague meaningless waffle instead. Can you think of any other reason she would be so vague and evasive? Sorry but you need to wake up and smell the coffee here. It is almost certain that she is cheating. You need to get to the truth, by any means necessary. You have extremely good grounds for suspicion and so all investigatory and surveillance methods are authorised. Webcam in the living room. VAR under her car seat. Keylogger on her PC. Go through her phone when she's in the shower. You need to find out what's going on, and you need to not feel guilty about "invading her privacy". Getting the truth is much more important than that. She's made it quite clear that she will not tell you the truth herself, so you need to take matters into your own hands. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamar_84 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Share Posted June 17, 2016 I've closely monitored the phone logs. She has a new friend at work and they have been texting back and forward sometimes almost a hundred times a day. This girl has even been at our house a few times. I feel like this friend could very well be a huge issue. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Uh-huh. Yet more smoke. I think you're getting closer and closer to finding the fire. Have you seen the content of these texts or just the frequency? If you haven't seen the content then I think that's the next step. Either check her phone or from the phone company if that's possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamar_84 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Share Posted June 17, 2016 Can't read them. Just see the dates and times from my account. Can't get into her phone because she has it fingerprint protected. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 (edited) Can't read them. Just see the dates and times from my account. Can't get into her phone because she has it fingerprint protected. So you need to be sneaky. Ask her if you can use it one day when you're watching TV. Make up a reason, tell her you forgot yours at work or something. Even if she's watching you use it, go into her messages and read them. But as soon as you go into the messages, I bet you a cheese sandwich she'll snatch it back quicker than a tramp on chips. If she refuses to let you use it then it's more evidence that she's hiding something. Maybe I was wrong, there might not be another guy on the scene. It could very well be this girl. That is what she is so confused about, or whatever. She's having an affair with a woman and needs time to explore her sexuality. Either way an affair is an affair, whether it's with a man or a woman. Edited June 17, 2016 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Can't read them. Just see the dates and times from my account. Can't get into her phone because she has it fingerprint protected. Thee are ways to digitally overcome this: How to Spy on Your Spouse | POPSUGAR Tech Though if it's come to this, you may already have an answer ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 I'm trying to give her time and space but it's tough since we're still staying in te same house and trying to just have normal conversation but when I asked about where this is going, is gets really upset and tell me that I'm repeatedly asking her the same question over and over and she can't give me an answer or status yet of our relationship. I'm just freaking out because if she feels that she doesn't want this like she has been saying then why not just tell me that so we can start the process. She also is still wants to do something special for our anniversary this weekend. You need to start the 180, details here from the top of this forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce It may seem counter-intuitive but stop with the "where is this going" questions. The pleadings make you less attractive and just accelerate marital disconnect... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Lamar, you hear this stuff so often. A woman keeps trying to tell her husband she's unhappy and he basically blows her off - and you admit that's what you did. You admit you know you weren't investing any attention into her and this is what happens when you continually blow someone off when they're trying to tell you they're unhappy. They eventually emotionally disengage themselves from that person and reconcile with the fact that they're moving on. I agree with the other poster that said once a woman is done, she's done. I can guarantee you she probably approached you about this more times than you can count. And you did nothing about it. And now that she wants out, you're suddenly saying "I'll do anything to save the marriage!" You had multiple opportunities to do that and chose not to. And unfortunately, THIS is the result. Yes to this.^^^ Lamar, you said on the first page, should I wait to see if she changes her mind? No, that's exactly the problem. If you truly do want to do all you can to save the marriage- or give it our best try- take action now. Change now. This minute. Don't sit and wait and do nothing. That's the only chance you've got in my opinion. You said you tried to talk with her about it- but then you argued, pleaded, defended yourself. You didn't quietly open your ears and listen to your wife and care about her as a person. You have to do that. Listen and care. Say nothing. Caring about people isn't about defending yourself or arguing with them. Let her SEE you care. What can you do this weekend that shows her that you see and love her as a separate person, that you care about what is going on inside of her? I suggest getting ice cream cones and going for a walk together, just silently, and let her talk. Tell her that you want to be with her and you'll wait until she wants to talk and you promise to say nothing because you want to listen. I think it's worth a try. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Just because she says it's a girl at work and is a female name on her phone does not mean it's not a dude. A lot of cheaters have their AP under a different name and often under a woman's name so it appears to be a woman at a glance. 100 txts a day is excessive for a work buddy but common for a suitor. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Lamar, So ironic that her main criticism was that you didn't communicate, and now she's refusing to communicate when you ask her to tell you what she's thinking. DO YOUR HOMEWORK for that marriage counseling session on the 30th. WRITE IT DOWN. I suggest that you write your homework into a computer document, so you can work on it multiple times before the appointment. Be specific. I suggest that you cut-and-paste one or two points at a time into a message here on this forum. We can read what you've written, and advise whether what you've written is clear or muddy. We can advise whether it appears that you're being truthful to yourself and truthful to the counselor and your wife. Have you started that homework yet? The 30th is approaching fast! Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Red flags. You need to figure out what you're up against. Somethings going on. Could be a toxic friend or worse. Does she sinc her phone? You can recover texts with Fone Lab, etc. VAR under the car seat. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 18, 2016 Share Posted June 18, 2016 Just because she says it's a girl at work and is a female name on her phone does not mean it's not a dude. A lot of cheaters have their AP under a different name and often under a woman's name so it appears to be a woman at a glance. 100 txts a day is excessive for a work buddy but common for a suitor. Exactly what I was thinking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 Just because she says it's a girl at work and is a female name on her phone does not mean it's not a dude. And even if it is a girl, that doesn't mean it's not an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 It very much sounds like there's someone else. My money is on the guess that this girl she texts all the time isn't a girl at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamar_84 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Share Posted June 19, 2016 I foundthe number of her new friend and the have sent over 2000 text messages over the last month. She hasn't even texted her sister and best friend that much combined. When I confronted her about it yesterday, she got really pissed and said Yeah this is it we are done. She also said I crossed the line by invading her privacy and everything. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 I foundthe number of her new friend and the have sent over 2000 text messages over the last month. She hasn't even texted her sister and best friend that much combined. When I confronted her about it yesterday, she got really pissed and said Yeah this is it we are done. She also said I crossed the line by invading her privacy and everything. This is more of a note to the other posters and other people reading this thread. This is exactly why many of us implore people to do some investigating first and gather information and facts first and NOT to confront and ask first. When you ask someone, they will simply say no and will counterattack and accuse of invading privacy etc etc This is what is known as DARVO. look it up. Now she is going to go deeper underground and start working on covering all her tracks and deleting evidence and coming up with alibi's, cover stories and gas lights. INVESTIGATE FIRST!!! Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to. Confronting and asking will have it's place, but only once you already know what is going on. That way when they give you a cover story and DARVO you, you already know what's happening and know that they are lying their azz off. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 It very much sounds like there's someone else. My money is on the guess that this girl she texts all the time isn't a girl at all. That is a real possibility. It's also possible she could be having some kind of bisexual/lesbian affair. While that does happen (I had an old girlfriend do this and this recently happen to one of my best friends) it is a statistical long shot. Another very real possibility is that it is a female coworker but is a person that helping her to have an affair(s) and is supporting and encouraging her to cheat and betray her marriage and husband. This is actually quite common. Many WW's have an agitator or a coconspirator or two that encourage them and help them to hook up with other dudes and then give them alibis and cover stories. While 2000 txts in a month seems very excessive for someone she is not screwing, it is possible that she could be in constant contact with someone who is helping her plan and carry out hooking up with someone else and helping her plan her exit from the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 When I confronted her about it yesterday, she got really pissed and said Yeah this is it we are done. Sorry to hear that. So will you be divorcing now? There's plenty of advice and help we can give you if you are. Or if you aren't. But we'd need more information on what's going on. She also said I crossed the line by invading her privacy and everything. Of course she did. They always say that. I hope you didn't accept that for ONE SECOND. SHE crossed a major line; you were forced to cross a much smaller one in order to get to the truth which she would NEVER have told you in a million years. SHE is the cheater here, not you. Don't forget that, and don't let her forget it either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 She also said I crossed the line by invading her privacy and everything. Come on lamar_84, do you see how you're being stonewalled? How is looking at your joint cell phone bill invading her privacy? More cheater-speak... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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