So Angry Right Now

[13Hearts]

I don't know why but over the last couple of days I have felt like such an idiot. I actually BELIEVED everything xMM told me about us, how much he was in love with me, all the flattery and good things about me which really boosted my self-image after going through a break-up a year or so before we hooked up, how compatible we are, how we were going to live our lives together, do all these things together, where we were going to live, all of it. I also believed everything he said about how he and his wife had no life together, did nothing together, just shared the same house, that they were separated, how he told her he wanted a divorce and they stopped marriage counseling. And I know now that it was all complete BS. Every single bit of it.

 

Add to that, texting yesterday he confirmed what I already knew which is that he is involved with another OW, having sex with her now, sneaking around during the day when he's supposed to be at lunch or on a work appointment out of the office.

 

All of it makes me feel like a worthless piece of $hit. If he pulled up in front of my house right now I would throw big rocks at his car.

[Lobe]

In every stereotype, there's an element of truth. Generalities are usually too broad, but when it comes to APs it tends to be pretty accurate.

 

I can't imagine your frustration. But you've been here long enough to know. And personally, for knowing what you know now, I think you're lucky. Lucky that you are aware of what is going on. You hopefully aren't going to keep going, now that you see. Hopefully you see that you're better than this. You're worth more. Straighten up, stand tall, and remember that you can put the shovel down and stop making the hole you're standing in deeper.

 

Hugs. And a kick in his balls. On your behalf. From me, to you.

[13Hearts]

In every stereotype, there's an element of truth. Generalities are usually too broad, but when it comes to APs it tends to be pretty accurate.

 

I can't imagine your frustration. But you've been here long enough to know. And personally, for knowing what you know now, I think you're lucky. Lucky that you are aware of what is going on. You hopefully aren't going to keep going, now that you see. Hopefully you see that you're better than this. You're worth more. Straighten up, stand tall, and remember that you can put the shovel down and stop making the hole you're standing in deeper.

 

Hugs. And a kick in his balls. On your behalf. From me, to you.

 

Oh, I stopped LONG ago. Years. But my heart didn't. In my mind, I gave him until this spring to leave. He kept telling me how he had to have all this work done on his house so he could put it on the market. Told me he was selling the house and buying a condo to put her in and then we could be together. Here it is June and the house is not on the market. So my heart is only now dealing with the truth. My mind gave him the benefit of the doubt for much too long. I stopped the sexual affair only a few months after it started, when I did not see behavior that supported what he was telling me.

 

I don't find myself lucky for knowing. It hurts so much I want to give up on life. Be done with it all.

[not-so-sure]

Oh, I stopped LONG ago. Years. But my heart didn't. In my mind, I gave him until this spring to leave. He kept telling me how he had to have all this work done on his house so he could put it on the market. Told me he was selling the house and buying a condo to put her in and then we could be together. Here it is June and the house is not on the market. So my heart is only now dealing with the truth. My mind gave him the benefit of the doubt for much too long. I stopped the sexual affair only a few months after it started, when I did not see behavior that supported what he was telling me.

 

I don't find myself lucky for knowing. It hurts so much I want to give up on life. Be done with it all.

 

Don't give up over a guy who can't make a choice. I mean, give up on the guy, by all means - in fact I'd encourage you to do that, but life? Why waste it on this person?

 

I've been going over my history as an MM over the last week - it's been a tough introspective, I can tell you. It's not just the parts I've shared here (the same person was involved, let's call it a post-script).

 

He may have the thoughts in his mind to do all those things he talks about but when it comes down to it, he may simply not be able to pull the trigger.

 

I internalised all these thoughts and intentions and never really communicated intentions to my AP. It wouldn't surprise me that what he's saying is what he *wants* to do, but may not have the courage to *do* what they want.

 

In which case, why would you want a coward?

[SammySammy]

It happens to the best of us. Yes, even men.

 

Being deceived. Finding out. Being angry. Questioning yourself - your character, your integrity, your intelligence, your common sense or lack thereof.

 

When it is all said and done, we're all responsible for our actions. He's responsible for deceiving you. You're still responsible for being involved with a married person.

 

I've found it best to forgive - ourselves and them. Then move on to live a better life. Wiser and stronger.

[13Hearts]

Don't give up over a guy who can't make a choice. I mean, give up on the guy, by all means - in fact I'd encourage you to do that, but life? Why waste it on this person?

 

I've been going over my history as an MM over the last week - it's been a tough introspective, I can tell you. It's not just the parts I've shared here (the same person was involved, let's call it a post-script).

 

He may have the thoughts in his mind to do all those things he talks about but when it comes down to it, he may simply not be able to pull the trigger.

 

I internalised all these thoughts and intentions and never really communicated intentions to my AP. It wouldn't surprise me that what he's saying is what he *wants* to do, but may not have the courage to *do* what they want.

 

In which case, why would you want a coward?

I don't. And I didn't. There were many things about him that I did not like. Like how he complained all the time (except when he was physically with me), and how he always argued with me about everything, and the simple fact that he pursued me for years and kept the truth from his wife. Which spoke volumes.

 

It's not about the loss. It's not about HIM. It's about being lied to, manipulated, and used, and how a person can do that to another human being. Someone who is supposed to care about you and be your friend. It hurts.

[13Hearts]

It happens to the best of us. Yes, even men.

 

Being deceived. Finding out. Being angry. Questioning yourself - your character, your integrity, your intelligence, your common sense or lack thereof.

 

When it is all said and done, we're all responsible for our actions. He's responsible for deceiving you. You're still responsible for being involved with a married person.

 

I've found it best to forgive - ourselves and them. Then move on to live a better life. Wiser and stronger.

Yes, I got the part about not involving yourself with a married person. I made an exception to a long-standing, very serious rule I made for myself decades ago about that. He chased me. For YEARS. He told me he was separated and they were divorcing. He had an apartment for a while but could not afford to maintain two households. He told me this time and time again. What I accept responsibility for is going against my own rule. I am a VERY good, kind, caring, and generous person. I look out for everyone. I live my life according to very high standards and with integrity. I involved myself with someone who could not give a **** about anyone but himself and getting what he wants. When people treat you like you are worth nothing, you feel worthless.

[SammySammy]

Yes, I got the part about not involving yourself with a married person. I made an exception to a long-standing, very serious rule I made for myself decades ago about that. He chased me. For YEARS. He told me he was separated and they were divorcing. He had an apartment for a while but could not afford to maintain two households. He told me this time and time again. What I accept responsibility for is going against my own rule. I am a VERY good, kind, caring, and generous person. I look out for everyone. I live my life according to very high standards and with integrity. I involved myself with someone who could not give a **** about anyone but himself and getting what he wants. When people treat you like you are worth nothing, you feel worthless.

 

I know.

 

I was also one that was proud that I had never cheated. On anyone at any time. What really irked me was a person from my past who KNEW that was important to me deceived me for their own selfish purposes.

 

Talk about being ANGRY. Disappointed with myself. Embarrassed.

 

That's why I sought out this site. Because I wanted to understand what I had just gone through.

 

In the end, the experience taught me that I still had value though I have faults. Killed that pride that had me looking down on others ... because of their faults.

 

When I look back over my life, I tend to find the darkest moments can be the most illuminating. The ones that help me understand myself and others the most. Help me grow the most.

 

Feel the anger. The shame. Embrace it. Just know that you can come out the other side better, not bitter.

[minimariah]

it's totally understandable to feel angry.

 

i think you're mostly angry at yourself for falling for his "tricks" - just like you said, you were better than that. you ARE better than that. it gets worse if you're a reasonable and cautious person... meaning, you rarely take risks, took this one and welp. it didn't end well. it's like studying for a test, thinking you got this and suddenly failing. maybe the disappointment in yourself you just didn't see coming?

 

i think the biggest hurt is him seemingly getting away with this while you were left with a broken heart.

[not-so-sure]

I don't. And I didn't. There were many things about him that I did not like. Like how he complained all the time (except when he was physically with me), and how he always argued with me about everything, and the simple fact that he pursued me for years and kept the truth from his wife. Which spoke volumes.

 

It's not about the loss. It's not about HIM. It's about being lied to, manipulated, and used, and how a person can do that to another human being. Someone who is supposed to care about you and be your friend. It hurts.

 

Yep. I know. I guess what I was trying to say was that these lies and manipulation may not always be calculated or even deliberate. I certainly never realised I was doing any of those things, and I don't ever recall deliberately saying things to keep her close. In fact a few months ago I said I was toxic to her... But that didn't change the way I felt about her.

 

Addiction, come to think of it, is such an apt description.

 

Anyway, less about me. It is disappointing and you can obviously see past it all. I think your head and heart is heading in the right direction. And as MKD says, often the darkest moments can be illuminating.

[Lobe]

Be angry. Stay angry. Anger is step 2. Do NOT go back to denial.

[Alamo657]

Keep that anger, and use it to do new things that will help you move on. Don't just bask in it, it's giving you ALOT of energy, use it !

Edited June 16, 2016 by Alamo657

[Oran]

13Hearts, I'm so with you on your thread. I woke up this morning thinking I'm f*cking angry, f*cking raging.

 

At the beginning of my A with exAP I couldn't understand why he was having an A, he seemed like such a good, family man. Haha. How self-decieving was I? Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that he was a serial cheat. But he was/is. I discovered nude images of a girl the same age as his daughter on his phone. He initially told me that she had just sent them to him out of the blue. Oh, yeah, young women 30 years younger than exAP had to be held back from doing this all the time. It was only through a slip in conversation that I managed to pin him down to the fact that he'd had sex with her in the back of his car. This was when I'd ended the A and had started a legitimate relationship with a single man. So, of COURSE, this became my fault, he only banged her in the back of his car because he really missed me. WTF? And, it turned out that he'd already had an A 15 years before which ran for a year. She still messages him now and again saying 'remember the good times '. Clearly this is evidence that he is a 'good guy'.

 

I am so ANGRY.

 

I can't imagine how it must feel to know that MM has moved onto his next OW. That is a man who cannot work on his own issues, what's that saying 'the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome'.

 

I do think there are situation on here on LS where the MP has made a one off mistake, and they learn from it, genuinely attempt R. There are also situations where the MP realizes that the M that they are in is not right for them and they leave the M as respectfully as they can.

 

The vast majority of personal stories here though are about cheats, and those they cheat with. Likewise the OP may have been in a cycle of illicit relationships. Or they may have made a one off mistake, which they learn from.

 

I know who I want to be in all of that. You can't change MM. You believed him. He will be telling the next OW the same fantasy story he told you.

 

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." ~ Maya Angelou. Take every difficult and ****ty thing that has happened to you, and that you have done, examine it until you can't bear to look at it any longer, and take all the learning you can from it. This is your job. Leave him to his cyclical hell.

[lilacwine]

I don't know why but over the last couple of days I have felt like such an idiot. I actually BELIEVED everything xMM told me about us, how much he was in love with me, all the flattery and good things about me which really boosted my self-image after going through a break-up a year or so before we hooked up, how compatible we are, how we were going to live our lives together, do all these things together, where we were going to live, all of it. I also believed everything he said about how he and his wife had no life together, did nothing together, just shared the same house, that they were separated, how he told her he wanted a divorce and they stopped marriage counseling. And I know now that it was all complete BS. Every single bit of it.

 

Add to that, texting yesterday he confirmed what I already knew which is that he is involved with another OW, having sex with her now, sneaking around during the day when he's supposed to be at lunch or on a work appointment out of the office.

 

All of it makes me feel like a worthless piece of $hit. If he pulled up in front of my house right now I would throw big rocks at his car.

 

How did you find out it was all bs???

[Satu]

These MM are good at only two things:

 

 

1. Telling lies.

 

2. Finding people who will believe their lies.

 

 

From my journal of 19th July 2015:

 

 

What the other woman believes.

 

The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe:

 

"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."

 

This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings.

 

You were taken in by a very good liar.

 

Don't let that happen again.

 

 

Take care.

[immokk]

I'm sorry you've had a cr@ppy time, 13Hearts.

 

It sounds like you were taken in by someone who is an experienced liar and perhaps something of a narcissist? I think I read something on here about there being a link between some APs and personality disorder.

 

In my xMM case I believe I am the first, the last and the only affair he will ever had. I think he's scared the s*** out of himself and because there was no DDay will live with a sword of damocles hanging over him either a) forever or b) until he grows a spine and tells her himself.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that i wish you the best in all of this. Don't feel worthless, he lied. None of us are blameless but at some point we need to forgive.

 

I'm not there yet; either forgiving him or myself but maybe you could be.

 

You did, and do, deserve better.

 

Lots of support here x

[Lobe]

As a BS, never did I imagine I would draw so much strength and inspiration form behind "enemy lines." I am angry with you, not at you. Affairs are such crap. Whoever invented them deserves to be high fived in the face with a handful of rocks.

[malvern99]

When it comes to MM, a good rule to follow is this; "They are exactly where they want to be." It really is that simple. If they really wanted to be with AP full time, they would make it happen without being prompted. All their "reasons" for constantly pushing the date they will their spouse for AP back are just designed to buy more time, because if you look at their situations objectively, they have the best of both worlds... a wife and life partner at home who provides structure and stability, and a fun girlfriend on the side who more often than not is available on demand. What possible reason could a MM have to rock that boat?

 

Life experiences have taught me that men and women (generally speaking) are built differently when it comes to things like affairs. You only have to look at this board to get an idea of that. I'll go out on a limb here and say that at least 80% of the threads started on the OM/OW board are started by either married or single women at some stage of an affair. They are mostly concerned with the emotional toll their A responsible for. If MM were as susceptible to getting emotionally attached in affairs, I think the distribution on this board would be more even. Sadly though, most MM will only miss the sex and the ego kibbles. That is why when push comes to shove, I would bet that the vast majority of MM refuse to leave their "horrible wives who they no longer love or sleep with." I mean, if their wive's were so horrible, what the hell are they still doing with them? Would it take an affair to make them leave a truly horrid situation? No one sits in a fire because they are afraid of getting cold if they step outside of the flames.

 

With that in mind, it leaves OW/MOW in the unfortunate position one day of realizing that while they and the AP were in the same affair, they were in two totally different worlds. In OW/MOW's world, there was a real possibility of AP leaving his spouse to be with them full time, while in MM's world the A was just a fun fling that they hoped would not have an impact on their home life. Yeah, MM say all the things they need to keep the low maintenance sex available. MM will future fake with you as long as you let them. However, if anyone finds themselves in a similar situation, watch MM's actions, not his words. His words will lie to you as long as you allow them. His actions however, will not.

[Jersey born raised]

I noticed you mention when you meant him you feit needed and valued. You are, you just choose poorly to who share it with.

[ladydesigner]

If he pulled up in front of my house right now I would throw big rocks at his car.

 

Can I help you with this?

 

(((13 Hearts))) these MM are such cowards and conflict avoiders. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, although the anger is good because it helps you get them out of your system.

[Satu]

They are actually highly dysfunctional people.

 

In the area of relationships, they are broken.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I don't know why but over the last couple of days I have felt like such an idiot. I actually BELIEVED everything xMM told me about us, how much he was in love with me, all the flattery and good things about me which really boosted my self-image after going through a break-up a year or so before we hooked up, how compatible we are, how we were going to live our lives together, do all these things together, where we were going to live, all of it. I also believed everything he said about how he and his wife had no life together, did nothing together, just shared the same house, that they were separated, how he told her he wanted a divorce and they stopped marriage counseling. And I know now that it was all complete BS. Every single bit of it.

 

Add to that, texting yesterday he confirmed what I already knew which is that he is involved with another OW, having sex with her now, sneaking around during the day when he's supposed to be at lunch or on a work appointment out of the office.

 

All of it makes me feel like a worthless piece of $hit. If he pulled up in front of my house right now I would throw big rocks at his car.

 

First of all ((((((HUG)))))- and a big one.:bunny: <--- and these cute little bunnies.

 

Well it sucks and poopoo on your exMM and the S**storm of lies he brought your way. I fully believe hope for a future is the cruelest thing the MM can do to his AP. I also believe that MM may have partially believed his own lie about leaving his wife. Unfortunately (or honestly fortunately in your case it just may take you some time to see it) he isn't leaving his wife unless she throws him out. It is going to hurt like the dickens now but eventually you will look back and thank your lucky stars that man didn't leave her for you because you would be the BS in a few years.

 

Your MM is choosing to continue making himself feel good rather than fixing his issues and the issues of his marriage. He hurts his wife, you and himself every day but he can't seem to stop - he is weak and selfish and he sold you a big bucket of lies.

 

He is now selling those lies to someone else and that hurts but use this pain. Gather that anger around your heart and let it form a barrier against him cause when his wife isn't giving him attention and this new OW has left him he will come a calling. Anger is your best friend right now. The thing you can do to hurt him the worst (because you want to hurt him like you hurt) is to move on and never look back. Nothing hurts ego worse than seeing someone leave you in the dust.

 

Take care of yourself.

[13Hearts]

How did you find out it was all bs???

 

Well, he did not do anything he said he would do, he constantly fed me all this flattery and talked about what it was going to be like, but moved on from the relationship into another affair with an OW.

[13Hearts]

These MM are good at only two things:

 

 

1. Telling lies.

 

2. Finding people who will believe their lies.

 

 

From my journal of 19th July 2015:

 

 

What the other woman believes.

 

The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe:

 

"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."

 

This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings.

 

You were taken in by a very good liar.

 

Don't let that happen again.

 

 

Take care.

 

Yup. Exactly. Thank you.

[13Hearts]

As a BS, never did I imagine I would draw so much strength and inspiration form behind "enemy lines." I am angry with you, not at you. Affairs are such crap. Whoever invented them deserves to be high fived in the face with a handful of rocks.

 

Thank you. I believe that BWs and OWs both are often fooled by a MM who probably hates women, or is so emotionally immature he sees his spouse as his mother and hates her for "forcing" him to live a "limited" life, or have to constantly work to support the family, or whatever.

 

xMM constantly told me how he had grown despondent from continuing in his marriage, told his wife he could not take it anymore and threatened to just leave everything and just drive until he couldn't drive anymore. And that he had moved out and gotten his own apartment but could not maintain both households and was forced to return to the family home. He agreed to go to MC with her and then stopped when he told her he wanted a divorce.

 

In the beginning, I thought he was full of it and thought "this woman is my sister and I am not going to have a relationship with her husband," but over time he just wore me down with his constant telling of the same story and talking about divorcing, leaving, and us dating like a real couple. He made so many claims about what it would be like, how perfectly compatible we are in so many aspects of life, and even described the house he was going to buy for us. When all I wanted was someone to do things with on the weekends!

 

NONE of what he described happened. He made excuse after excuse and looking back now I can see how I allowed all the lies he told to put me in denial. After some point, whenever I saw anything that contradicted the lies, I would experience EXTREME anxiety and panic, and I would lose my head.

 

Now, I just hurt.

 

I am sorry your husband did whatever rotten thing he did. As an OW, I want to say to you I am sorry I was not stronger, smarter, or independent enough to say No to your husband. I am sorry that my actions hurt you. I hope you can forgive.

 

I simply cannot believe I allowed myself to be taken the way I did. Honestly? I've gotten to the point where I think I truly hate men.