Author 13Hearts Posted June 19, 2016 Author Share Posted June 19, 2016 Maybe you didn't have spoken expectations, but you had hope. You were in love with him, and he could see that. He didn't want to change his life, but didn't want you to find someone else. He wanted both. And he was willing to lie to both of you to have that. In his mind, he's not thinking of you or her, or what he is doing to both of you. He's thinking of himself and what he wants. Hope. Yes. It's recurring theme around here. Women with hope for a future with a MM. What a crock. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 13Hearts, you are one of the most interesting posters here, with a different perspective on things, I always enjoy reading your posts. You'll snap out of this phase in no time. But hope is cruel and can keep our hearts entangled in utter nonsense for years. Work through it, the anger is actually a good thing, it propels you forward. Best wishes xo 4 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Hope. Yes. It's recurring theme around here. Women with hope for a future with a MM. What a crock. Oh yes, a total crock! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Maybe you didn't have spoken expectations, but you had hope. You were in love with him, and he could see that. He didn't want to change his life, but didn't want you to find someone else. He wanted both. And he was willing to lie to both of you to have that. In his mind, he's not thinking of you or her, or what he is doing to both of you. He's thinking of himself and what he wants. It makes me so sad for all of us from different walks of these A's. OW/OM are seen on these boards beating themselves up over the rejection of the A, BS are beating themselves up over being rejected from the A. It's such a bad feeling all around. OW please remember it was NEVER about you. You never did anything to cause MM to be this way, they already were. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 13Hearts Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 OP: Use this anger to propel yourself forward into a healthier phase of life. You have already done the hardest part. When someone sets out to deceive you, he is already 100 steps ahead. Don't blame yourself for that. Many of the things he said were lies, but the part about you being lovable and desirable are all true. Don't let this experience rob you of the chance to have love in your life. He can move on with his damaged self (and his poor wife...sheesh) and you can move on toward the rest of your beautiful life. This is exactly what I have been doing. Using that anger energy to help me get my life and my home back to at least where I was before xMM blew in and completely stole all of my attention to what is important to ME. Feeling better after accomplishing so much over the weekend while xMM was off on vacation with BS and family. Still SMH over how big of a liar he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 13Hearts Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 13Hearts, you are one of the most interesting posters here, with a different perspective on things, I always enjoy reading your posts. You'll snap out of this phase in no time. But hope is cruel and can keep our hearts entangled in utter nonsense for years. Work through it, the anger is actually a good thing, it propels you forward. Best wishes xo Oh, Shadowburn, thank you for this. For your kindness and sweet words that warm my heart and lift my soul out of darkness. So kind of you to post something personal. I hope I don't annoy people too much with my attitude and admittedly strange ways of thinking sometimes. Yes, you hit the nail right on the head: Utter nonsense for years. And the drama continues with xMM in his own little world. He is reaching out to me again today, trying to stir things up for whatever twisted reason he has in his mind. Soon, very soon, I am going to go completely NC. I have a few loose ends to tie up with him related to some business matters and then I will cut all contact with him FOREVER. You all have given me the ability to see that this is something I must do and have lent me the strength to do it. Thanks Everyone. <3 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 13Hearts Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 It makes me so sad for all of us from different walks of these A's. OW/OM are seen on these boards beating themselves up over the rejection of the A, BS are beating themselves up over being rejected from the A. It's such a bad feeling all around. OW please remember it was NEVER about you. You never did anything to cause MM to be this way, they already were. I know but it still hurts. Oh well. Right? I have the feeling xMM has been doing this his entire marriage. Spinning the same tale, getting some, and then refocusing efforts onto BW until he finds someone else (which I know does not take long. This man is literally drop-dead gorgeous). Feel like a Nothing for falling for his broken record manipulations. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 13Hearts Posted June 25, 2016 Author Share Posted June 25, 2016 I guess during the work week I am so busy that I don't have time to think about it. But here I am again, at the weekend, and can't get it out of my head. How I was stupid, knew better, but believed everything he said, waited, bided my time, gave him the benefit of the doubt. And hoped. And with every conversation, every act of intimacy and caring, and every "I love you," I sunk deeper into the non-reality that is an affair with a MM. I am so angry. Every time I start thinking about him, I mutter curse words at him though he doesn't hear, call him every name in the book, and still my heart aches and I want to cry. But I don't. I'm not going to cry over this MF'er. I've been stuck in this hole so long, and now it's turned into an even deeper hole, and IDK how to get out! Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 Stop digging your hole bigger. Go NC and stick to that. Then start to climb out of that hole by doing everything differently in your daily life! The change is up to you - so do that! It will bring a new result. Nothing changes if nothing changes! Change things YOURSELF and you will see that things become better! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 13Hearts...I say this gently and respectfully but you do know that you can't just blame your married man right? You have to know that you need to shoulder some of the responsibility for what happened. You are so angry at your married man but you should also have some of that anger towards yourself. You knew he was married but you still chose to have have an affair with him; the affair is not altogether his fault. What you should be doing is channeling your energy/anger into making sure that what happened never happens again. Being angry at your married man because he future faked you and didn't leave his wife for you will not help you heal and move on. What will help you is realizing your part in the affair and steps you can create to make sure that you never make that mistake again. That is the right step that will help you heal and move on.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 13Hearts Posted June 25, 2016 Author Share Posted June 25, 2016 Stop digging your hole bigger. Go NC and stick to that. Then start to climb out of that hole by doing everything differently in your daily life! The change is up to you - so do that! It will bring a new result. Nothing changes if nothing changes! Change things YOURSELF and you will see that things become better! Oh I am NC. I already told him if he comes sniffing around here again I am going to throw big rocks at his car. And he knows I will do it, too. He sent me an email at work and I didn't reply. He doesn't dare text me or call me because he already knows what he will get if he does. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 Oh I am NC. I already told him if he comes sniffing around here again I am going to throw big rocks at his car. And he knows I will do it, too. He sent me an email at work and I didn't reply. He doesn't dare text me or call me because he already knows what he will get if he does. Take charge of what you can! Block him! Block his emails. Block texts and calls. Tell his wife he emailed you! That will help it to end! DO something instead of nothing! Do things that shut it down completely! Exposing him will make him go away! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 13Hearts Posted June 25, 2016 Author Share Posted June 25, 2016 13Hearts...I say this gently and respectfully but you do know that you can't just blame your married man right? You have to know that you need to shoulder some of the responsibility for what happened. You are so angry at your married man but you should also have some of that anger towards yourself. You knew he was married but you still chose to have have an affair with him; the affair is not altogether his fault. What you should be doing is channeling your energy/anger into making sure that what happened never happens again. Being angry at your married man because he future faked you and didn't leave his wife for you will not help you heal and move on. What will help you is realizing your part in the affair and steps you can create to make sure that you never make that mistake again. That is the right step that will help you heal and move on.... I'm well aware what part I played. I am also well aware of EVERY SINGLE TIME I told him I did not want to be involved with a married man, and all the reasons why he would not leave his wife. I told him time and time again, on a regular basis, why this would not work. Look at all the reasons stated on posts here that people tell OW why MM don't leave and DOUBLE that, and you have all the conversations I tried to have with MM. What I am angry about is the fact that this "man" NEVER ONCE admitted to any of the reasons I gave, NEVER ONCE even took the opportunity to think about the reasons I gave, but instead argued with me that I was wrong and PURSUED ME HARDER. What I am angry about is that this person continued this charade for YEARS. Well after I stopped the physical affair which only lasted until I realized this guy was not serious because I know what a real break-up looks like and he was not breaking anything off with her. He Told me his plan, wrote it down and showed me, made promises, FOR WHAT?? To waste my time?? This is YEARS of my life I have patiently waited, did my best to remove myself emotionally from an active, serious pursuer, and you're going to say I'm to blame? What more would you have liked me to do, short of going to his wife and telling her to keep him away from me, Knowing damn well that wouldn't work? What more would you have liked me to do to eliminate the 50% you claim I am to blame for? You're talking about a "man" who interjected himself into my family, called my mother "Mom," and gave gifts to my family members. In what way am I at fault for this? And what, pray tell, do you suggest I change to prevent this from happening again? Lock myself in my house, or fully cover my face and my body so that no male can ever see me again? Report the next MM who won't leave me alone to the police?? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 13Hearts....I am sorry you are so hurt but if he pursed you harder there were many things you could have done to block him out of your life. He didn't force you to keep taking him back. If he refused to leave you alone after you had told him time and time again that you were not interested in having anything to do with a married man, you could have blocked his number, filed a retraining order, reported him to his wife. But every time he came back you took him back. He kept playing around with you because you allowed him. I am sorry you are hurting but there are several steps you can take so that you don't make the same mistake again. I am not judging you nor am i trying to berate you but i am kindly, gently and respectfully saying that your anger towards him is frivolous. Working on making sure you don't hurt like this again because of any man who is in a committed relationship is your surest way out of this and onto someone better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 I guess during the work week I am so busy that I don't have time to think about it. But here I am again, at the weekend, and can't get it out of my head. How I was stupid, knew better, but believed everything he said, waited, bided my time, gave him the benefit of the doubt. And hoped. And with every conversation, every act of intimacy and caring, and every "I love you," I sunk deeper into the non-reality that is an affair with a MM. I am so angry. Every time I start thinking about him, I mutter curse words at him though he doesn't hear, call him every name in the book, and still my heart aches and I want to cry. But I don't. I'm not going to cry over this MF'er. I've been stuck in this hole so long, and now it's turned into an even deeper hole, and IDK how to get out! I'd rather be angry than sad, and I personally feel anger is a very important stage of letting go because it is empowering. You are fighting back against what he put you through - the empty promises, the lies. It is your core speaking out, you are angry because you deserve to be loved, not fooled, lied to and abandoned in the end. Be angry. I remember that boiling rage that came after being sad and depressed for too long. Use it's energy for good purpose - go for a walk, redo your house. Do something kind for yourself. He'll get what's coming to him xo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 In what way are you at fault? You say you knew all the reasons why he would never leave his wife, but you stuck around for years anyway...you could have left any time. I hope there is no next MM, but if there is, you can save yourself the pain by walking away as soon as you find out that he's married. I stayed with a man who didn't want kids for years. He kept telling me he could change his mind but I should have left well before I did. I was angry at him when in reality those wasted years are my fault, not his. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 13Hearts Posted June 25, 2016 Author Share Posted June 25, 2016 Take charge of what you can! Block him! Block his emails. Block texts and calls. Tell his wife he emailed you! That will help it to end! DO something instead of nothing! Do things that shut it down completely! Exposing him will make him go away! I did threaten him with exposure and I think that is what is keeping him away. I told him if he started coming around again, I would go straight to her and sit down with her and tell her everything, including that he has another OW and that I was not the one chasing him. I also told him that I would show her pictures of every single thing he had bought me. I got these ideas from people's posts here on LS! Link to post Share on other sites
Author 13Hearts Posted June 25, 2016 Author Share Posted June 25, 2016 I'd rather be angry than sad, and I personally feel anger is a very important stage of letting go because it is empowering. You are fighting back against what he put you through - the empty promises, the lies. It is your core speaking out, you are angry because you deserve to be loved, not fooled, lied to and abandoned in the end. Be angry. I remember that boiling rage that came after being sad and depressed for too long. Use it's energy for good purpose - go for a walk, redo your house. Do something kind for yourself. He'll get what's coming to him xo Thank you, Shadowburn, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I am cleaning the kitchen now and working on the pile of mail on the counter!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 13Hearts Posted June 25, 2016 Author Share Posted June 25, 2016 In what way are you at fault? You say you knew all the reasons why he would never leave his wife, but you stuck around for years anyway...you could have left any time. I hope there is no next MM, but if there is, you can save yourself the pain by walking away as soon as you find out that he's married. I stayed with a man who didn't want kids for years. He kept telling me he could change his mind but I should have left well before I did. I was angry at him when in reality those wasted years are my fault, not his. Stuck around? What, my own house? I LIVE here. Where would I go once I'd left? Protective Orders are not granted because you want someone out of your life. They are orders by a court of jurisdiction to stay away from someone you have threatened or abused. The court would not even have heard my complaint unless I lied and claimed he beat me. I don't think any of you understand what I have and have not done. I lived my life the best I could while some crazy fool texted, emailed, and telephoned me constantly. I tried to convince him that he really did not want to leave his wife while he continuously woo'ed and pursued me. I several times told him to participate in MC, only to he told he had tried that and it wasn't working and he was pursuing a divorce from her. I gave up my peace, my serenity, and a lot of responsibilities while he demanded my attention 24/7. I allowed him to distract me from what is important to me, which caused many of those important things to suffer. But make no mistake, I continued to live my life independently, and maintain other relationships. I hear what you're saying about taking responsibility but you do not know me, and you do not know that I take responsibility for EVERYTHING. But I am not going to take responsibility for his lies and ridiculousness. I am not going to take responsibility for believing someone when I tried over and over to show them what they were saying was not true. Plus, how is telling me to accept 50% of the blame for HIS behavior, for what he did to me and is now doing to another OW, even remotely helpful? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 It's helpful because it'll prevent you from making the same mistake again. Or from accepting his advances if he comes sniffing around again. You freely admitted that you didn't have the willpower to reject his advances before. You can displace your anger at him and at yourself towards me all you like. You're right, we don't know each other so it has no affect on me at all. I am only trying to help, just like everyone else here. Best of luck to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 I think these MM, want to believe they have the balls to change their life. When the rubber hits the road, they bail. They are serially unhappy people, if they weren't unhappy they would do the right thing, divorce and find happiness. For whatever reasons, they keep doing the same thing, over and over - and really don't care who they hurt in the process. Look up serial cheaters, they have something seriously wrong with them. They generally prey upon the vulnerable, the hurt and kindhearted people. When it's over, they remain in the marriage and find another partner, to repeat the same thing. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 It's helpful because it'll prevent you from making the same mistake again. Or from accepting his advances if he comes sniffing around again. You freely admitted that you didn't have the willpower to reject his advances before. You can displace your anger at him and at yourself towards me all you like. You're right, we don't know each other so it has no affect on me at all. I am only trying to help, just like everyone else here. Best of luck to you. Also, hopefully it'll help you try to figure out why you chose to put up with his behavior for as long as you did... Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 I just wanted to acknowledge the hurt you feel, to tell you Im sorry you were treated that way. Id chime in about your responsibility but it sounds like you are clear and have been recieving some stern posts. Those are good for you in the long run, I recieved a ton of harsh replies myself over time. Right now I just want to tell you Im sorry it hurts alot, and the anger phase is a sign of healing...but my anger and rage made me feel very bitter and heavy and I greived so much so I understand you. Its going to be a tough road but if you stay strict with your Nc I promise you will see some progress and feel a little better day by day. The end is really sad and hard. Try not to analyze. Try not to stay on the whys. We will never have every answer. Though you both are equally wrong..one thing is..you can rest that YOUR words and actions were true and real and his were a lie..or true in the moment...doesnr matter though I guess when its all based on fantasy, selfish, and hurts the innocent, it wasnt based on good so therefor can never grow from a healthy honest place. Let it die. Im truly sorry for your pain. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 I do understand you are taking responsibility for how you participated. I would only suggest you not threaten him any further - just take action. That action will empower you! Next time he communicates in any way just forward it in to his wife and expose him! That will keep him away. Then he knows it's not an idle threat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 13Hearts I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I find that the anger helps. Like someone else said... I'd rather be angry than sad. The sadness is harder to deal with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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