So Angry Right Now

[pooldog]

You should read the work of Alison Armstrong. Men to tend to come across as being very selfish from a woman's point of view but it is only because they do not "connect" and do things to "connect". They are wired differently. She once said that a woman who does not know how to engage a man and manage his intentions is a frog farmer. It is all so enlightening. But I do think a man who is really into you will not be selfish he will make you feel like a queen. You just have to find one with a mutual attraction. No small feat. But worth the effort.

 

The best is yet to come.

 

I agree, they are selfish. And I don't mean this as an insult believe it or not. I have several brothers, and many friends and other family, who are men. I probably know more men than women. And they're selfish. I don't think they necessarily mean to be or even know how selfish they are. Some of my male friends have told me it's just how they are and that they have to force themselves to think of others, including their wives and children, first.

 

I don't have the patience to deal with that sort of thing. I'd rather be first in my world, alone, than last in someone else's.

[13Hearts]

My heart is hurting so badly today. I don't know why except life has been somewhat stressful lately. There was a death in the family some months ago and that has been wearing on me. One of my other family members is very sick and that is worrying me. And I am just so busy with my own responsibilities and taking care of aging family members, trying to do the right thing in that regard. MM was always my rock, my confidante, and just there for me, but now that resource is cut off from me, of my own doing.

 

It has taken everything I've got over the last couple of days not to reach out to him for support. But there is no one else to turn to for that, so I continue to suffer with this heartache. The break-up and NC causes pain in my heart itself, too. I know it's the best and healthiest thing to do, and I need to completely detach emotionally from him, but it is so difficult. There are so many reminders of him and of us, everywhere in my daily life, that I cannot avoid them or get away from them.

 

Struggling and sad, just feel beaten down...

[BuddyX]

Hang in there. But do not reach out.

The reason he was your rock is because you allowed him and only him into your life. There's a reason why you're hurting right now. You were codependent on one person. One person who did not give you 100%.

 

Now, focus and try to find someone you can lean on.

[Shadowburn]

Talk to us instead of him, 13hearts. We'll support you without any hidden agenda like he would have.

My NC mantra in the early excruciating days was "That's how bad I can feel and still keep NC".

Reward yourself. When someone treats us badly, we need to show ourselves even more kindness.

Pamper yourself - and the worse you feel, the more you should pamper yourself.

Get yourself fresh flowers

Treat yourself like you would treat dear friend.

 

You know all of this, 13hearts, you always offer amazing advise to others. Give your heart some time to catch up with your brilliant mind.

 

Best wishes xo

[13Hearts]

Talk to us instead of him, 13hearts. We'll support you without any hidden agenda like he would have.

My NC mantra in the early excruciating days was "That's how bad I can feel and still keep NC".

Reward yourself. When someone treats us badly, we need to show ourselves even more kindness.

Pamper yourself - and the worse you feel, the more you should pamper yourself.

Get yourself fresh flowers

Treat yourself like you would treat dear friend.

 

You know all of this, 13hearts, you always offer amazing advise to others. Give your heart some time to catch up with your brilliant mind.

 

Best wishes xo

 

It's so difficult to hear such kindnesses today. It makes me cry, which I really think I need to do. Thank you.

 

I do keep coming here and reading and reaching out. xMM was a friend for many years before the A, someone I respected and could go to for perspective and advice when I really needed it. But now, I see him differently and doubt I'd take his advice about anything anyway. Tears rolling down my face just thinking about it, how I destroyed that one strength in my life, that one friendship I could rely on.

 

BuddyX is right. I let this person close to me, to the exclusion of most others. I do not trust easily, but I trusted this person. I believed in him and I believed in what he told me was the truth. It's just depressing to know there is no one I can count on in this life but me. And God.

[13Hearts]

Hang in there. But do not reach out.

The reason he was your rock is because you allowed him and only him into your life. There's a reason why you're hurting right now. You were codependent on one person. One person who did not give you 100%.

 

Now, focus and try to find someone you can lean on.

 

Thanks BuddyX. I really needed someone else to tell me not to reach out to xMM. Thank you for lending me your strength today.

[Poppy47]

It's hard not to reach out Hearts, we all understand.

 

Being NC is really painful, but actually, when I think back being with him was sometimes a lot more painful

 

I think it's better to be NC and sad than live with the constant ups and downs of the A. It's very tiring and I can tell you, long term it will play with your head.

 

Poppy.

[Shadowburn]

It's so difficult to hear such kindnesses today. It makes me cry, which I really think I need to do. Thank you.

 

I do keep coming here and reading and reaching out. xMM was a friend for many years before the A, someone I respected and could go to for perspective and advice when I really needed it. But now, I see him differently and doubt I'd take his advice about anything anyway. Tears rolling down my face just thinking about it, how I destroyed that one strength in my life, that one friendship I could rely on.

 

BuddyX is right. I let this person close to me, to the exclusion of most others. I do not trust easily, but I trusted this person. I believed in him and I believed in what he told me was the truth. It's just depressing to know there is no one I can count on in this life but me. And God.

 

You didn't destroy anything and that man was never your true friend, he was a predator on a prowl. Look where is your "friend" now - manipulating another ow into giving him what he wants.

And relying only on yourself and God shouldn't be depressing, it's actually uplifting- those two are the closest and the most important relationships that you will ever have. They'll stay after everything else will be done and gone

 

 

Im thinking of you, 13hearts. Cry if you need to, it's cleansing and healing

[pooldog]

Sending super hugs and strong support and do not contact or your pain will start over.

 

Can you write a journal and let the feelings come and go? Tears are good.

 

So sorry you gave the stress and pain and void!

 

It's so difficult to hear such kindnesses today. It makes me cry, which I really think I need to do. Thank you.

 

I do keep coming here and reading and reaching out. xMM was a friend for many years before the A, someone I respected and could go to for perspective and advice when I really needed it. But now, I see him differently and doubt I'd take his advice about anything anyway. Tears rolling down my face just thinking about it, how I destroyed that one strength in my life, that one friendship I could rely on.

 

BuddyX is right. I let this person close to me, to the exclusion of most others. I do not trust easily, but I trusted this person. I believed in him and I believed in what he told me was the truth. It's just depressing to know there is no one I can count on in this life but me. And God.

[Adoraxx]

Big hugs to you, Hearts... I wish I had something I could say to make you feel better

[13Hearts]

Thanks everyone. It's so difficult to accept the truth about a person when there is so much physical evidence pointing to one thing and just as much pointing to the opposite. It's like WHO IS this person, anyway? And what are their motivations? Gotta stop trying to figure it out and just accept what is, without talking to him, because all I'm going to get from talking to him is more ambiguity and confusion!

[BuddyX]

"words lie even without intent, actions only speak truth"

[pooldog]

How are you doing ? Sending warm vibes and strength!

 

 

Thanks everyone. It's so difficult to accept the truth about a person when there is so much physical evidence pointing to one thing and just as much pointing to the opposite. It's like WHO IS this person, anyway? And what are their motivations? Gotta stop trying to figure it out and just accept what is, without talking to him, because all I'm going to get from talking to him is more ambiguity and confusion!

[13Hearts]

How are you doing ? Sending warm vibes and strength!

 

Hey Pooldog, I'm not sure I saw this or not but I wasn't ignoring you.

 

Today I am just sick and tired of this whole MM affair thing. Just sick of it, sick of thinking about it, sick of trying to figure out what happened, sick of being hurt, sick of being angry, sick of being confused. Just sick of it all and wish I had never entertained the idea of being with him. Wish I had never let him enter my life! I remember before MM I was bored and disillusioned by my recent break-up but I was happy.

[Poppy47]

Hey Pooldog, I'm not sure I saw this or not but I wasn't ignoring you.

 

Today I am just sick and tired of this whole MM affair thing. Just sick of it, sick of thinking about it, sick of trying to figure out what happened, sick of being hurt, sick of being angry, sick of being confused. Just sick of it all and wish I had never entertained the idea of being with him. Wish I had never let him enter my life! I remember before MM I was bored and disillusioned by my recent break-up but I was happy.

 

Good,

You sick of giving it head space. Now you are really getting over it. You will be happy again.

Poppy.

[13Hearts]

Good,

You sick of giving it head space. Now you are really getting over it. You will be happy again.

Poppy.

 

I hope you are right, Poppy.

 

I think tonight I am going to make a list of all the reasons I do not want to be with him. I think that may help me along.

[66Charger]

Instead of writIng that lIst, why dont you write a list for your future, not your past. Maybe include a lIst of places or things you could do to put your self in a position to meet a respectable fellow, WHEN YOU ARE READY. Try a sport like golf, where the ratio of men to women is 1000 to 1 (and few golfers are poor). Take a class, that is interesting to you, and used for those looking to add skills for advancement. Join a outdoor club, do something a little daring and meet some thrillseekers.

 

I probably have no business suggesting anything to you, but when I read your words on other threads you are very angry at men in general. This is not good. You also seem to have taken a strong turn against infidelity. If you put the blame squarely where it belongs, and not toward all men, perhaps you will be ready to close that book and start another chapter, with tommorrow as a title.

 

Heres hoping that a 14th heart will be added soon and.one that is real, genuine, honest and will knock BOTH of your soxs off.

 

Close this chapter soon. Life's a wasting.

[pooldog]

Sick is good. You are processing and allowing your feelings about the whole thing to take front and center. Hugs to you! May you find your true warm shining self soon!

 

 

Hey Pooldog, I'm not sure I saw this or not but I wasn't ignoring you.

 

Today I am just sick and tired of this whole MM affair thing. Just sick of it, sick of thinking about it, sick of trying to figure out what happened, sick of being hurt, sick of being angry, sick of being confused. Just sick of it all and wish I had never entertained the idea of being with him. Wish I had never let him enter my life! I remember before MM I was bored and disillusioned by my recent break-up but I was happy.

[13Hearts]

Instead of writIng that lIst, why dont you write a list for your future, not your past. Maybe include a lIst of places or things you could do to put your self in a position to meet a respectable fellow, WHEN YOU ARE READY. Try a sport like golf, where the ratio of men to women is 1000 to 1 (and few golfers are poor). Take a class, that is interesting to you, and used for those looking to add skills for advancement. Join a outdoor club, do something a little daring and meet some thrillseekers.

 

I probably have no business suggesting anything to you, but when I read your words on other threads you are very angry at men in general. This is not good. You also seem to have taken a strong turn against infidelity. If you put the blame squarely where it belongs, and not toward all men, perhaps you will be ready to close that book and start another chapter, with tommorrow as a title.

 

Heres hoping that a 14th heart will be added soon and.one that is real, genuine, honest and will knock BOTH of your soxs off.

 

Close this chapter soon. Life's a wasting.

Gee, wonder why I would be angry at men in general? Could it be because they lie, deceive, and cheat to get what they want, instead of being honest, tell you all sorts of things in the beginning to get you to agree to be with them and then don't fuc%ing follow through on their promises, act like children, expect you to be their mom, don't scrub the fuc%ing toilet, pi$$ all over the place in the bathroom and won't wipe it up, do not take responsibility, won't do anything physical around the house unless you badger them but can work out at the gym for three hours no problem, and think they are King just because they go to work. Shall I go on?

 

Do you think a guy who plays golf or is an outdoorsman will be different than the other guys I've been with who played golf and did things outdoors??

 

Also, just so you know, I did not all of a sudden grow a conscience. I was born with a very strong one, and a strong sense of responsibility toward ALL others, and was raised by moral people also with strong consciences. If you're talking about the thread where MARRIED people blatantly discuss how they are fuc%ing people other than their spouses and consciously, purposefully, and continuously (for YEARS) deceive and lie to their husbands and children, I have ALWAYS thought and felt that behavior is disgusting and NEVER participated in that sort of thing. If anyone expected to get married and have children and live happily ever after and became disenchanted because it's a lot of work, a pain in the a$$, and a thankless job, then TOUGH $HIT. You LIVE WITH your decisions, especially when you dragged children into it or you GET DIVORCED. You DON'T go around lying and deceiving the people you are supposed to care about, support, and love. And yes, equally as horrible is to drag SOMEONE ELSE into your miserable lives, blame them for YOUR conscious decisions and YOUR bad behavior, and refuse to acknowledge one bit of the truth. People who do this are more sickening to me now more than ever.

 

Sorry for the rant; it's not directed at you, 66, I just feel like smashing something and instead typed this.

[Lobe]

Gee, wonder why I would be angry at men in general? I just feel like smashing something and instead typed this.

 

13, I would hate to think that you will always feel that powerless over your relationships. In a lot of ways, we teach people how to treat us based on what we allow, what we put up with, what we accept. We tend to be drawn towards the same dramas time and again not because it's comfortable but because it's familiar. I personally went through a phase of attracting horrible women friends in a Mom's group - women who used me for my money, babysitting services, kindness, designated driving, whatever... who then talked about me behind my back to one another. For the longest time I felt like a victim but eventually realized that the only reason I was being used and treated like sh*t was because I was allowing it. Have you read "In Sheep's Clothing?" drgeorgesimon.com/insheepsclothingbook.html This book saved me from a world of heartache by making me realize that yes, I was bringing it on myself - the harpies got tired of hearing me say no or make demands of my own and soon enough they flew off to some other sucker.

 

Might be worth your time to pick up a copy.

 

Cheers.

[Josmatjes]

Gee, wonder why I would be angry at men in general? Could it be because they lie, deceive, and cheat to get what they want, instead of being honest, tell you all sorts of things in the beginning to get you to agree to be with them and then don't fuc%ing follow through on their promises, act like children, expect you to be their mom, don't scrub the fuc%ing toilet, pi$$ all over the place in the bathroom and won't wipe it up, do not take responsibility, won't do anything physical around the house unless you badger them but can work out at the gym for three hours no problem, and think they are King just because they go to work. Shall I go on?

 

Do you think a guy who plays golf or is an outdoorsman will be different than the other guys I've been with who played golf and did things outdoors??

 

Also, just so you know, I did not all of a sudden grow a conscience. I was born with a very strong one, and a strong sense of responsibility toward ALL others, and was raised by moral people also with strong consciences. If you're talking about the thread where MARRIED people blatantly discuss how they are fuc%ing people other than their spouses and consciously, purposefully, and continuously (for YEARS) deceive and lie to their husbands and children, I have ALWAYS thought and felt that behavior is disgusting and NEVER participated in that sort of thing. If anyone expected to get married and have children and live happily ever after and became disenchanted because it's a lot of work, a pain in the a$$, and a thankless job, then TOUGH $HIT. You LIVE WITH your decisions, especially when you dragged children into it or you GET DIVORCED. You DON'T go around lying and deceiving the people you are supposed to care about, support, and love. And yes, equally as horrible is to drag SOMEONE ELSE into your miserable lives, blame them for YOUR conscious decisions and YOUR bad behavior, and refuse to acknowledge one bit of the truth. People who do this are more sickening to me now more than ever.

 

Sorry for the rant; it's not directed at you, 66, I just feel like smashing something and instead typed this.

 

 

I understand your anger. I'm in a phase right now where I don't want anything to do with any men at all. That's not such a bad thing though. It will make you stronger.

You need time to clear your head and it does take awhile. I was best friends with my xmm also. It took me the past two years to realize that he was never my friend, he was a predator and I was his willing victim. It sucks. But I'm out and you are too. He isn't using you anymore and your not allowing him too and that's where your power lies. The anger is good. I actually think its the last phase. I wish you peace....

[13Hearts]

Thanks Lobe. I assure you, though, that I do not attract or invite married men into my life. This person was already a friend and lied. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and shouldn't have. That's MY fault. I'll know better next time.

 

I am not drawn to the same dramas time and again; in fact, I abhor all drama and I do what I can to keep it out of my life. Unfortunately, most people I have met do not also abhor drama as I do, but instead LOVE it, and surround themselves with it. It seems that if I want to have people in my life other than my parents and siblings (who are like me), I will have to accept their drama.

 

I actually don't put up with much. I suppose I am unforgiving or my expectation that grown adults will be mature, responsible, honest and truthful, is much too high.

 

Actually, I have read George Simon, including In Sheep's Clothing, and I love him. I think at your suggestion I will read it again.

 

Thank you.

13, I would hate to think that you will always feel that powerless over your relationships. In a lot of ways, we teach people how to treat us based on what we allow, what we put up with, what we accept. We tend to be drawn towards the same dramas time and again not because it's comfortable but because it's familiar. I personally went through a phase of attracting horrible women friends in a Mom's group - women who used me for my money, babysitting services, kindness, designated driving, whatever... who then talked about me behind my back to one another. For the longest time I felt like a victim but eventually realized that the only reason I was being used and treated like sh*t was because I was allowing it. Have you read "In Sheep's Clothing?" drgeorgesimon.com/insheepsclothingbook.html This book saved me from a world of heartache by making me realize that yes, I was bringing it on myself - the harpies got tired of hearing me say no or make demands of my own and soon enough they flew off to some other sucker.

 

Might be worth your time to pick up a copy.

 

Cheers.

[13Hearts]

Thank you, Josmatjes. I agree, the anger is good. It helps propel you forward. I am so glad to be out from under the xMM and you're right, I am getting my power back.

 

I am glad you are also free and getting your power back, too!

 

I understand your anger. I'm in a phase right now where I don't want anything to do with any men at all. That's not such a bad thing though. It will make you stronger.

You need time to clear your head and it does take awhile. I was best friends with my xmm also. It took me the past two years to realize that he was never my friend, he was a predator and I was his willing victim. It sucks. But I'm out and you are too. He isn't using you anymore and your not allowing him too and that's where your power lies. The anger is good. I actually think its the last phase. I wish you peace....

[whichwayisup]

I hope you are right, Poppy.

 

I think tonight I am going to make a list of all the reasons I do not want to be with him. I think that may help me along.

 

Go read up on baggage reclaim site. Tons of great articles about relationships, you can apply in life overall.

 

He's not worthy to be in your head, no more tears, that's a waste too!

[13Hearts]

Thanks, WhichWay. Is that baggage reclaim a web site?

 

I've been reading Chump Lady and it is helping a lot.

 

You are right, he has been taking up space in my head and what a waste!! I think I was depressed and that's why I couldn't stop thinking about it all.

 

Go read up on baggage reclaim site. Tons of great articles about relationships, you can apply in life overall.

 

He's not worthy to be in your head, no more tears, that's a waste too!