So Angry Right Now

[Shadowburn]

It's so difficult to hear such kindnesses today. It makes me cry, which I really think I need to do. Thank you.

 

I do keep coming here and reading and reaching out. xMM was a friend for many years before the A, someone I respected and could go to for perspective and advice when I really needed it. But now, I see him differently and doubt I'd take his advice about anything anyway. Tears rolling down my face just thinking about it, how I destroyed that one strength in my life, that one friendship I could rely on.

 

BuddyX is right. I let this person close to me, to the exclusion of most others. I do not trust easily, but I trusted this person. I believed in him and I believed in what he told me was the truth. It's just depressing to know there is no one I can count on in this life but me. And God.

 

You didn't destroy anything and that man was never your true friend, he was a predator on a prowl. Look where is your "friend" now - manipulating another ow into giving him what he wants.

And relying only on yourself and God shouldn't be depressing, it's actually uplifting- those two are the closest and the most important relationships that you will ever have. They'll stay after everything else will be done and gone

 

 

Im thinking of you, 13hearts. Cry if you need to, it's cleansing and healing

[pooldog]

Sending super hugs and strong support and do not contact or your pain will start over.

 

Can you write a journal and let the feelings come and go? Tears are good.

 

So sorry you gave the stress and pain and void!

 

It's so difficult to hear such kindnesses today. It makes me cry, which I really think I need to do. Thank you.

 

I do keep coming here and reading and reaching out. xMM was a friend for many years before the A, someone I respected and could go to for perspective and advice when I really needed it. But now, I see him differently and doubt I'd take his advice about anything anyway. Tears rolling down my face just thinking about it, how I destroyed that one strength in my life, that one friendship I could rely on.

 

BuddyX is right. I let this person close to me, to the exclusion of most others. I do not trust easily, but I trusted this person. I believed in him and I believed in what he told me was the truth. It's just depressing to know there is no one I can count on in this life but me. And God.

[Adoraxx]

Big hugs to you, Hearts... I wish I had something I could say to make you feel better

[13Hearts]

Thanks everyone. It's so difficult to accept the truth about a person when there is so much physical evidence pointing to one thing and just as much pointing to the opposite. It's like WHO IS this person, anyway? And what are their motivations? Gotta stop trying to figure it out and just accept what is, without talking to him, because all I'm going to get from talking to him is more ambiguity and confusion!

[BuddyX]

"words lie even without intent, actions only speak truth"

[pooldog]

How are you doing ? Sending warm vibes and strength!

 

 

Thanks everyone. It's so difficult to accept the truth about a person when there is so much physical evidence pointing to one thing and just as much pointing to the opposite. It's like WHO IS this person, anyway? And what are their motivations? Gotta stop trying to figure it out and just accept what is, without talking to him, because all I'm going to get from talking to him is more ambiguity and confusion!

[13Hearts]

How are you doing ? Sending warm vibes and strength!

 

Hey Pooldog, I'm not sure I saw this or not but I wasn't ignoring you.

 

Today I am just sick and tired of this whole MM affair thing. Just sick of it, sick of thinking about it, sick of trying to figure out what happened, sick of being hurt, sick of being angry, sick of being confused. Just sick of it all and wish I had never entertained the idea of being with him. Wish I had never let him enter my life! I remember before MM I was bored and disillusioned by my recent break-up but I was happy.

[Poppy47]

Hey Pooldog, I'm not sure I saw this or not but I wasn't ignoring you.

 

Today I am just sick and tired of this whole MM affair thing. Just sick of it, sick of thinking about it, sick of trying to figure out what happened, sick of being hurt, sick of being angry, sick of being confused. Just sick of it all and wish I had never entertained the idea of being with him. Wish I had never let him enter my life! I remember before MM I was bored and disillusioned by my recent break-up but I was happy.

 

Good,

You sick of giving it head space. Now you are really getting over it. You will be happy again.

Poppy.

[13Hearts]

Good,

You sick of giving it head space. Now you are really getting over it. You will be happy again.

Poppy.

 

I hope you are right, Poppy.

 

I think tonight I am going to make a list of all the reasons I do not want to be with him. I think that may help me along.

[66Charger]

Instead of writIng that lIst, why dont you write a list for your future, not your past. Maybe include a lIst of places or things you could do to put your self in a position to meet a respectable fellow, WHEN YOU ARE READY. Try a sport like golf, where the ratio of men to women is 1000 to 1 (and few golfers are poor). Take a class, that is interesting to you, and used for those looking to add skills for advancement. Join a outdoor club, do something a little daring and meet some thrillseekers.

 

I probably have no business suggesting anything to you, but when I read your words on other threads you are very angry at men in general. This is not good. You also seem to have taken a strong turn against infidelity. If you put the blame squarely where it belongs, and not toward all men, perhaps you will be ready to close that book and start another chapter, with tommorrow as a title.

 

Heres hoping that a 14th heart will be added soon and.one that is real, genuine, honest and will knock BOTH of your soxs off.

 

Close this chapter soon. Life's a wasting.

[pooldog]

Sick is good. You are processing and allowing your feelings about the whole thing to take front and center. Hugs to you! May you find your true warm shining self soon!

 

 

Hey Pooldog, I'm not sure I saw this or not but I wasn't ignoring you.

 

Today I am just sick and tired of this whole MM affair thing. Just sick of it, sick of thinking about it, sick of trying to figure out what happened, sick of being hurt, sick of being angry, sick of being confused. Just sick of it all and wish I had never entertained the idea of being with him. Wish I had never let him enter my life! I remember before MM I was bored and disillusioned by my recent break-up but I was happy.

[13Hearts]

Instead of writIng that lIst, why dont you write a list for your future, not your past. Maybe include a lIst of places or things you could do to put your self in a position to meet a respectable fellow, WHEN YOU ARE READY. Try a sport like golf, where the ratio of men to women is 1000 to 1 (and few golfers are poor). Take a class, that is interesting to you, and used for those looking to add skills for advancement. Join a outdoor club, do something a little daring and meet some thrillseekers.

 

I probably have no business suggesting anything to you, but when I read your words on other threads you are very angry at men in general. This is not good. You also seem to have taken a strong turn against infidelity. If you put the blame squarely where it belongs, and not toward all men, perhaps you will be ready to close that book and start another chapter, with tommorrow as a title.

 

Heres hoping that a 14th heart will be added soon and.one that is real, genuine, honest and will knock BOTH of your soxs off.

 

Close this chapter soon. Life's a wasting.

Gee, wonder why I would be angry at men in general? Could it be because they lie, deceive, and cheat to get what they want, instead of being honest, tell you all sorts of things in the beginning to get you to agree to be with them and then don't fuc%ing follow through on their promises, act like children, expect you to be their mom, don't scrub the fuc%ing toilet, pi$$ all over the place in the bathroom and won't wipe it up, do not take responsibility, won't do anything physical around the house unless you badger them but can work out at the gym for three hours no problem, and think they are King just because they go to work. Shall I go on?

 

Do you think a guy who plays golf or is an outdoorsman will be different than the other guys I've been with who played golf and did things outdoors??

 

Also, just so you know, I did not all of a sudden grow a conscience. I was born with a very strong one, and a strong sense of responsibility toward ALL others, and was raised by moral people also with strong consciences. If you're talking about the thread where MARRIED people blatantly discuss how they are fuc%ing people other than their spouses and consciously, purposefully, and continuously (for YEARS) deceive and lie to their husbands and children, I have ALWAYS thought and felt that behavior is disgusting and NEVER participated in that sort of thing. If anyone expected to get married and have children and live happily ever after and became disenchanted because it's a lot of work, a pain in the a$$, and a thankless job, then TOUGH $HIT. You LIVE WITH your decisions, especially when you dragged children into it or you GET DIVORCED. You DON'T go around lying and deceiving the people you are supposed to care about, support, and love. And yes, equally as horrible is to drag SOMEONE ELSE into your miserable lives, blame them for YOUR conscious decisions and YOUR bad behavior, and refuse to acknowledge one bit of the truth. People who do this are more sickening to me now more than ever.

 

Sorry for the rant; it's not directed at you, 66, I just feel like smashing something and instead typed this.

[Lobe]

Gee, wonder why I would be angry at men in general? I just feel like smashing something and instead typed this.

 

13, I would hate to think that you will always feel that powerless over your relationships. In a lot of ways, we teach people how to treat us based on what we allow, what we put up with, what we accept. We tend to be drawn towards the same dramas time and again not because it's comfortable but because it's familiar. I personally went through a phase of attracting horrible women friends in a Mom's group - women who used me for my money, babysitting services, kindness, designated driving, whatever... who then talked about me behind my back to one another. For the longest time I felt like a victim but eventually realized that the only reason I was being used and treated like sh*t was because I was allowing it. Have you read "In Sheep's Clothing?" drgeorgesimon.com/insheepsclothingbook.html This book saved me from a world of heartache by making me realize that yes, I was bringing it on myself - the harpies got tired of hearing me say no or make demands of my own and soon enough they flew off to some other sucker.

 

Might be worth your time to pick up a copy.

 

Cheers.

[Josmatjes]

Gee, wonder why I would be angry at men in general? Could it be because they lie, deceive, and cheat to get what they want, instead of being honest, tell you all sorts of things in the beginning to get you to agree to be with them and then don't fuc%ing follow through on their promises, act like children, expect you to be their mom, don't scrub the fuc%ing toilet, pi$$ all over the place in the bathroom and won't wipe it up, do not take responsibility, won't do anything physical around the house unless you badger them but can work out at the gym for three hours no problem, and think they are King just because they go to work. Shall I go on?

 

Do you think a guy who plays golf or is an outdoorsman will be different than the other guys I've been with who played golf and did things outdoors??

 

Also, just so you know, I did not all of a sudden grow a conscience. I was born with a very strong one, and a strong sense of responsibility toward ALL others, and was raised by moral people also with strong consciences. If you're talking about the thread where MARRIED people blatantly discuss how they are fuc%ing people other than their spouses and consciously, purposefully, and continuously (for YEARS) deceive and lie to their husbands and children, I have ALWAYS thought and felt that behavior is disgusting and NEVER participated in that sort of thing. If anyone expected to get married and have children and live happily ever after and became disenchanted because it's a lot of work, a pain in the a$$, and a thankless job, then TOUGH $HIT. You LIVE WITH your decisions, especially when you dragged children into it or you GET DIVORCED. You DON'T go around lying and deceiving the people you are supposed to care about, support, and love. And yes, equally as horrible is to drag SOMEONE ELSE into your miserable lives, blame them for YOUR conscious decisions and YOUR bad behavior, and refuse to acknowledge one bit of the truth. People who do this are more sickening to me now more than ever.

 

Sorry for the rant; it's not directed at you, 66, I just feel like smashing something and instead typed this.

 

 

I understand your anger. I'm in a phase right now where I don't want anything to do with any men at all. That's not such a bad thing though. It will make you stronger.

You need time to clear your head and it does take awhile. I was best friends with my xmm also. It took me the past two years to realize that he was never my friend, he was a predator and I was his willing victim. It sucks. But I'm out and you are too. He isn't using you anymore and your not allowing him too and that's where your power lies. The anger is good. I actually think its the last phase. I wish you peace....

[13Hearts]

Thanks Lobe. I assure you, though, that I do not attract or invite married men into my life. This person was already a friend and lied. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and shouldn't have. That's MY fault. I'll know better next time.

 

I am not drawn to the same dramas time and again; in fact, I abhor all drama and I do what I can to keep it out of my life. Unfortunately, most people I have met do not also abhor drama as I do, but instead LOVE it, and surround themselves with it. It seems that if I want to have people in my life other than my parents and siblings (who are like me), I will have to accept their drama.

 

I actually don't put up with much. I suppose I am unforgiving or my expectation that grown adults will be mature, responsible, honest and truthful, is much too high.

 

Actually, I have read George Simon, including In Sheep's Clothing, and I love him. I think at your suggestion I will read it again.

 

Thank you.

13, I would hate to think that you will always feel that powerless over your relationships. In a lot of ways, we teach people how to treat us based on what we allow, what we put up with, what we accept. We tend to be drawn towards the same dramas time and again not because it's comfortable but because it's familiar. I personally went through a phase of attracting horrible women friends in a Mom's group - women who used me for my money, babysitting services, kindness, designated driving, whatever... who then talked about me behind my back to one another. For the longest time I felt like a victim but eventually realized that the only reason I was being used and treated like sh*t was because I was allowing it. Have you read "In Sheep's Clothing?" drgeorgesimon.com/insheepsclothingbook.html This book saved me from a world of heartache by making me realize that yes, I was bringing it on myself - the harpies got tired of hearing me say no or make demands of my own and soon enough they flew off to some other sucker.

 

Might be worth your time to pick up a copy.

 

Cheers.

[13Hearts]

Thank you, Josmatjes. I agree, the anger is good. It helps propel you forward. I am so glad to be out from under the xMM and you're right, I am getting my power back.

 

I am glad you are also free and getting your power back, too!

 

I understand your anger. I'm in a phase right now where I don't want anything to do with any men at all. That's not such a bad thing though. It will make you stronger.

You need time to clear your head and it does take awhile. I was best friends with my xmm also. It took me the past two years to realize that he was never my friend, he was a predator and I was his willing victim. It sucks. But I'm out and you are too. He isn't using you anymore and your not allowing him too and that's where your power lies. The anger is good. I actually think its the last phase. I wish you peace....

[whichwayisup]

I hope you are right, Poppy.

 

I think tonight I am going to make a list of all the reasons I do not want to be with him. I think that may help me along.

 

Go read up on baggage reclaim site. Tons of great articles about relationships, you can apply in life overall.

 

He's not worthy to be in your head, no more tears, that's a waste too!

[13Hearts]

Thanks, WhichWay. Is that baggage reclaim a web site?

 

I've been reading Chump Lady and it is helping a lot.

 

You are right, he has been taking up space in my head and what a waste!! I think I was depressed and that's why I couldn't stop thinking about it all.

 

Go read up on baggage reclaim site. Tons of great articles about relationships, you can apply in life overall.

 

He's not worthy to be in your head, no more tears, that's a waste too!

[13Hearts]

I'm not sure why but reading posts and other perspectives from affair partners was definitely not helping me. It was causing me all kinds of negativity, negative thoughts, negative feelings, anxiety, anger, etc. But when I read posts and blogs written by betrayed spouses, I feel more resolved, not negativity. It doesn't make me feel happy to read these stories and perspectives and some of them are so heartbreaking. It is a little overwhelming to realize just how many people are being cheated on, betrayed, and traumatized by their spouses' affairs and it makes me more cynical about ever finding a permanent partner for myself. But reading them is helping me, so I just wanted to share that in case someone else might benefit.

 

It's sad the excuses MM and MW use with their spouses. And the blaming, the fingerpointing, the gaslighting; the emotional abuse. The BSs call their WSs narcissists a lot. I can see why.

 

WSs are so very, very selfish. I wish everyone who ever thought about getting involved with a married person could know this firsthand, before getting involved. Because I don't think this kind of selfishness goes away or gets better. All of this sure is helping me to realize that the belief that xMM was eventually going to leave his marriage and we would be together was just a damn fairytale he made up to draw me in. The whole damn thing was just a story. WTH? What kind of people do this sort of thing? Evil?? Demented?? It reminds me of guys in high school and the head-games they would play with the girls who were in love with them.

[pooldog]

I totally agree that this helped me too. I read chumplady and the infidelity board here and understood the other side and I felt relieved to be out.

 

There are tons of good men waiting.

 

The best thing about dating is telling someone your schedule instead of being an affair partner and waiting for the coast to be clear!!

 

I'm not sure why but reading posts and other perspectives from affair partners was definitely not helping me. It was causing me all kinds of negativity, negative thoughts, negative feelings, anxiety, anger, etc. But when I read posts and blogs written by betrayed spouses, I feel more resolved, not negativity. It doesn't make me feel happy to read these stories and perspectives and some of them are so heartbreaking. It is a little overwhelming to realize just how many people are being cheated on, betrayed, and traumatized by their spouses' affairs and it makes me more cynical about ever finding a permanent partner for myself. But reading them is helping me, so I just wanted to share that in case someone else might benefit.

 

It's sad the excuses MM and MW use with their spouses. And the blaming, the fingerpointing, the gaslighting; the emotional abuse. The BSs call their WSs narcissists a lot. I can see why.

 

WSs are so very, very selfish. I wish everyone who ever thought about getting involved with a married person could know this firsthand, before getting involved. Because I don't think this kind of selfishness goes away or gets better. All of this sure is helping me to realize that the belief that xMM was eventually going to leave his marriage and we would be together was just a damn fairytale he made up to draw me in. The whole damn thing was just a story. WTH? What kind of people do this sort of thing? Evil?? Demented?? It reminds me of guys in high school and the head-games they would play with the girls who were in love with them.

[13Hearts]

I totally agree that this helped me too. I read chumplady and the infidelity board here and understood the other side and I felt relieved to be out.

 

There are tons of good men waiting.

 

The best thing about dating is telling someone your schedule instead of being an affair partner and waiting for the coast to be clear!!

 

I never really got into telling xMM when I was available. I think he just learned my schedule and then would just come over, or would ask if I wanted to go to lunch or somewhere else with him. Not realizing or caring how inconvenient it is to always have to accommodate his limited availability.

 

A couple months on I realized he actually expected me to remain quiet when he talked to his wife on the phone. I was appalled and angry and he knew it. I just could not understand, first, why he needed to answer her phone calls while we were together and second, who the hell he thought he was, expecting me to remain quiet so the person on the other side didn't know who he was with. Call me stupid but if a man is living apart from his wife, why do they need to speak while he and I are together? To me, he should have just said he'd talk to her later.

 

He'd tell me she was worried and needed to talk about the kids but the kids were GROWN. 19 and 20 years old! WTH kind of person is so worried about normal 19 and 20 year olds that they can't wait until later to talk about them? It made no sense, but I know now it was because I am so damn gullible! Duh. It was probably the same excuse he used with his OW when the kids were little and he probably just expected me to fall into that role. That never happened.

[Lobe]

I'm not sure why but reading posts and other perspectives from affair partners was definitely not helping me. It was causing me all kinds of negativity, negative thoughts, negative feelings, anxiety, anger, etc. But when I read posts and blogs written by betrayed spouses, I feel more resolved, not negativity. It doesn't make me feel happy to read these stories and perspectives and some of them are so heartbreaking. It is a little overwhelming to realize just how many people are being cheated on, betrayed, and traumatized by their spouses' affairs and it makes me more cynical about ever finding a permanent partner for myself. But reading them is helping me, so I just wanted to share that in case someone else might benefit.

 

It's sad the excuses MM and MW use with their spouses. And the blaming, the fingerpointing, the gaslighting; the emotional abuse. The BSs call their WSs narcissists a lot. I can see why.

 

WSs are so very, very selfish. I wish everyone who ever thought about getting involved with a married person could know this firsthand, before getting involved. Because I don't think this kind of selfishness goes away or gets better. All of this sure is helping me to realize that the belief that xMM was eventually going to leave his marriage and we would be together was just a damn fairytale he made up to draw me in. The whole damn thing was just a story. WTH? What kind of people do this sort of thing? Evil?? Demented?? It reminds me of guys in high school and the head-games they would play with the girls who were in love with them.

 

Funny - I feel the same way reading AP posts instead of BS posts, which often just depresses me and takes me right back to d-day. It also humanizes the AP for me, hearing the "other" side - the BS gets gaslighted and starts to feel like it's their own fault they are literally going insane because they are told they are being unnecessarily suspicious and overbearing, the AP gets fed massive doses of sparkly unicorn sh*t in fantasyland but can't see it's still sh*t for all the glitter, and the WS just sits there shovelling cake in his face with his grubby little paws.

 

I think that a lot of WSs are not demented evil people but short-sighted fools who end up making stupid, selfish decisions when opportunity presents itself. It's one thing when the WS is on a singles site snaring unsuspecting victims - that to me would have been grounds for me to leave my WH - but reading here how so many APs just kind of create these little vacuums for themselves by making really bad life choices lol - it's just painful, for everyone. I asked my husband at one point why he future faked with his AP and you know what he said? "Because I thought when you found out what I had done, you wouldn't take me back." So he just kept digging, giving in to more of her demands, and giving up on me, all with me being clueless why he was being such a heartless, insensitive assh*le towards me.

 

Addictions are ugly things - they don't have a conscience. They turn normal, loving, kind people into the worst possible versions of themselves - users, manipulators, abusers, liars, cheaters, fakes, frauds... Yes, there are true narcissists and sociopaths who completely lack empathy, but I think the cognitive dissonance required for most people to convince themselves the affair is OK causes normal, rational human beings to lose their godd*mned minds. Like they brainwash themselves. lol

 

Maybe I'm overly optimistic about human nature. But I'm not naive anymore - that's why the logger on the router.

[13Hearts]

Funny - I feel the same way reading AP posts instead of BS posts, which often just depresses me and takes me right back to d-day. It also humanizes the AP for me, hearing the "other" side - the BS gets gaslighted and starts to feel like it's their own fault they are literally going insane because they are told they are being unnecessarily suspicious and overbearing, the AP gets fed massive doses of sparkly unicorn sh*t in fantasyland but can't see it's still sh*t for all the glitter, and the WS just sits there shovelling cake in his face with his grubby little paws.

 

I think that a lot of WSs are not demented evil people but short-sighted fools who end up making stupid, selfish decisions when opportunity presents itself. It's one thing when the WS is on a singles site snaring unsuspecting victims - that to me would have been grounds for me to leave my WH - but reading here how so many APs just kind of create these little vacuums for themselves by making really bad life choices lol - it's just painful, for everyone. I asked my husband at one point why he future faked with his AP and you know what he said? "Because I thought when you found out what I had done, you wouldn't take me back." So he just kept digging, giving in to more of her demands, and giving up on me, all with me being clueless why he was being such a heartless, insensitive assh*le towards me.

 

Addictions are ugly things - they don't have a conscience. They turn normal, loving, kind people into the worst possible versions of themselves - users, manipulators, abusers, liars, cheaters, fakes, frauds... Yes, there are true narcissists and sociopaths who completely lack empathy, but I think the cognitive dissonance required for most people to convince themselves the affair is OK causes normal, rational human beings to lose their godd*mned minds. Like they brainwash themselves. lol

 

Maybe I'm overly optimistic about human nature. But I'm not naive anymore - that's why the logger on the router.

 

I hear what you are saying about addictions and I agree with that description. But I'm not convinced it applies to WSs and their affairs. I'm also not so optimistic as you regarding WS stupidity and lack of foresight. MM has lots of foresight and is very strategic, cunning even. I also have had more than my fair share of experience with men who act narcissistic and sociopathic due to addiction and alcoholism and men without those problems who are equally N and S, and it's all the same. There is a black hole, a blankness, behind a sociopath's gaze. At least men who behave narcissistically are also capable of empathy, care, and understanding. The sociopath has no such ability, and couldn't give a $hit anyway.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by OW forming vacuums. I live my life within my life, surrounded by my associates. I don't live my life in MM's world. I don't know the same people he associates with, and I don't know his wife. I have and had no firsthand knowledge or observations of their relationship. I am apparently gullible because I trusted his representations of his marital relationship as the truth.

 

Also, many, many people separate from their spouses and remain so for various reasons, without seeking divorce. My brother has been separated from his wife for about two years and I doubt they are going to be reconciling. I've known people living alone in apartments, separated from their spouses but not yet divorced. It's not far-fetched to believe someone when they tell you they separated for a year, ran out of the financial resources to continue supporting two households, but are moving towards divorce.

 

So, you see, I don't think I created a vacuum for myself. I believed what he told me, until I saw enough evidence that what he was saying just wasn't true. I should have done more investigation up front. I'm not sure who I would have asked though.

 

That is very strange that you get the same kind of feelings reading posts by other BSs, but feel better when you read from APs. I guess it helps because we're getting the bigger picture now, instead of remaining stuck with only half the story. It also makes me feel like I am not so alone, trying to maneuver my way through this experience. And I feel less stupid because it brings to light the fact that I was not the only one fooled by MM.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks, WhichWay. Is that baggage reclaim a web site?

 

I've been reading Chump Lady and it is helping a lot.

 

You are right, he has been taking up space in my head and what a waste!! I think I was depressed and that's why I couldn't stop thinking about it all.

 

Yeah it is, just type it in with a .com

 

He isn't worthy to be in your head so much. Tell yourself this "He isn't thinking of me, he isn't crying over me so why am I crying and thinking of him?" Rid of him! Fall asleep with your tv on so you can doze and let your mind relax.

[pooldog]

I love your saying, Lobe, that the MM is like a grubby cake eater.

 

13Hearts I hope you are better today! I had a great day today and forgot about him entirely until i came to check in on everyone.

 

 

 

I hear what you are saying about addictions and I agree with that description. But I'm not convinced it applies to WSs and their affairs. I'm also not so optimistic as you regarding WS stupidity and lack of foresight. MM has lots of foresight and is very strategic, cunning even. I also have had more than my fair share of experience with men who act narcissistic and sociopathic due to addiction and alcoholism and men without those problems who are equally N and S, and it's all the same. There is a black hole, a blankness, behind a sociopath's gaze. At least men who behave narcissistically are also capable of empathy, care, and understanding. The sociopath has no such ability, and couldn't give a $hit anyway.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by OW forming vacuums. I live my life within my life, surrounded by my associates. I don't live my life in MM's world. I don't know the same people he associates with, and I don't know his wife. I have and had no firsthand knowledge or observations of their relationship. I am apparently gullible because I trusted his representations of his marital relationship as the truth.

 

Also, many, many people separate from their spouses and remain so for various reasons, without seeking divorce. My brother has been separated from his wife for about two years and I doubt they are going to be reconciling. I've known people living alone in apartments, separated from their spouses but not yet divorced. It's not far-fetched to believe someone when they tell you they separated for a year, ran out of the financial resources to continue supporting two households, but are moving towards divorce.

 

So, you see, I don't think I created a vacuum for myself. I believed what he told me, until I saw enough evidence that what he was saying just wasn't true. I should have done more investigation up front. I'm not sure who I would have asked though.

 

That is very strange that you get the same kind of feelings reading posts by other BSs, but feel better when you read from APs. I guess it helps because we're getting the bigger picture now, instead of remaining stuck with only half the story. It also makes me feel like I am not so alone, trying to maneuver my way through this experience. And I feel less stupid because it brings to light the fact that I was not the only one fooled by MM.