"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Lostgirl186]

I have been reading a lot about the stages of an affair...this is what it had to say about the third stage

"Click here for a post that talks about how to get them to end their affair.

 

The phase that I find most interesting and might be the cause for cheaters to have such a hard time letting go of their “drug of choice” – the affair partner – is the destabilization phase.

 

I have a feeling that most affairs are discovered during this phase which might contribute to the on-going thoughts, feelings and potential contacting of the affair partner.

 

During the destabilization stage, the fear of being caught fuels the urgency to get out of the affair. Though on the outside the affair looks like it may fall apart, in reality it is being stabilized.

 

 

Carder explains that one partner may call it off, and after some time will call to see how the other is doing and immediately the affair starts up again. This on again – off again pattern makes the affair almost impossible to end on its own. "

 

I was just curious to those that have been in longer affairs, do you find this to be pretty accurate? How many times have you had a big blowup/breakup with your partner, to find that he or she makes contact again? Thanks for your input in advance!

[DKT3]

I believe most affairs are caught at the apex, when they become so involved that they lose sight of themselves and aren't as careful. To me it's what makes going back into the marriage so difficult especially for mw. They simply aren't in a position to fight for the marriage.

 

The stage your talking about is also dangerous and normally where most of the horrible actions and decisions are made.

[rumblefish12]

I'm a MM and OM to my AP (a MW). My A lasted over three years. Over that time, there were over a dozen break ups initiated variously by each of us. We jokingly kept score and talked about how I'd have to break up a significant amount in order to even things up. Oh and the pattern of breaking NC was exactly as you described. There would be some smoke signals over social media and one of us would call to see that the other was okay, etc.

 

This time is significantly different though. It has been almost 3 months NC and we made it passed my bday and her bday without reaching out. Additionally, I'll admit to seeing the smoke signals on her social media early on in NC (I know I shouldn't have been looking) and I didn't break NC. It is a struggle though certainly -- it hits all at once. That ache and desperation. But I tell myself it will pass, and it does. And I tell myself why I have to be strong (and not a selfish a$$ like the last 3 years). And those instances of grieving are fewer and farther between. I feel like I'm starting to get some perspective here at the 3 month mark, but it is still hard. I'm taking it one day at a time.

[Lostgirl186]

I'm a MM and OM to my AP (a MW). My A lasted over three years. Over that time, there were over a dozen break ups initiated variously by each of us. We jokingly kept score and talked about how I'd have to break up a significant amount in order to even things up. Oh and the pattern of breaking NC was exactly as you described. There would be some smoke signals over social media and one of us would call to see that the other was okay, etc.

 

This time is significantly different though. It has been almost 3 months NC and we made it passed my bday and her bday without reaching out. Additionally, I'll admit to seeing the smoke signals on her social media early on in NC (I know I shouldn't have been looking) and I didn't break NC. It is a struggle though certainly -- it hits all at once. That ache and desperation. But I tell myself it will pass, and it does. And I tell myself why I have to be strong (and not a selfish a$$ like the last 3 years). And those instances of grieving are fewer and farther between. I feel like I'm starting to get some perspective here at the 3 month mark, but it is still hard. I'm taking it one day at a time.

Wow, three months that is great! If you don't mind me asking, do you think you and your AP were in love, or was it filling a physical void? During the "breakups," was it usually mutual or was it one party telling the other it had to stop for good? I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you that this time will be it, and that the cycle is broken. I sure hope to get to where you are some day!

[rumblefish12]

Lostgirl -- I will say that it certainly felt like love and we often told one another that we did. I've been reading a lot about limerence lately. It's certainly true that if we had love that it wasn't what they call mature love, which is out in the open and deals with the daily pressures of life and grows together in spite of faults. Who knows if it would ever have succeeded to that; the statistics suggest it probably would not. When we went NC so many times before, it was almost always initiated by one of us, but toward the end when it occurred the other was less resistant. For instance in this last breakup, we both had been talking about how the relationship was flagging. I finally pulled the trigger and she was very receptive to it, agreeing it couldn't work. THEN two weeks later she calls me and says WTH, why are you off all social media. I was shocked because she was totally in agreement with me to go NC and get back to our "real" lives. Two weeks later her response to me was, "Yeah I agreed to that at the time, but I didn't mean FOREVER." Seriously?! I made it clear that NC has to be forever and here we are three months later, but there were so many weak moments that i've had to push through. I'm guessing she had them too, but you wonder, right? You'll get there, Lostgirl -- take it one day at a time. Remember what is important and the questions you'll be asking yourself a year from now if you were to cave in vs staying strong. Great thread, thank you.

[Poppy47]

Hi,

Over an 8 year affair, we had five breakups counting the last one.

 

One lasted a year, the other two several months ,one only a day and the last one has been 9 weeks.

 

xMM only called a breakup once and the next day he was back. The other times it has been me. I get to a point where I cannot stand mental gymnastics of being involved with a married person.

 

This time, I called it off after a very settled happy period of 5 months. It had been 3 days since MM was able to phone me. Suddenly it all seemed so ludicrous. I'm a successful professional woman, 68 years old , stuck in a dead end relationship with this married man who couldn't even speak to me when I wanted. THAT DID IT!

I wrote him a short email, saying I didn't want to be involved anymore and haven't been since. After so many years, it was easier than giving up smoking.

 

Poppy.

[Sabella]

My A lasted 3 years. We broke up about 4 times, 3 were initiated by him including this final time. The first few only lasted a couple of weeks and I would cave in and text, I would ask him to stay as at least friends. But we would always end up falling into old habits of the sexual side of the affair.

 

This time it's been NC for a couple months I think? I have no desire to beg him back into my life this time around.

[Lostgirl186]

Hi,

Over an 8 year affair, we had five breakups counting the last one.

 

One lasted a year, the other two several months ,one only a day and the last one has been 9 weeks.

 

xMM only called a breakup once and the next day he was back. The other times it has been me. I get to a point where I cannot stand mental gymnastics of being involved with a married person.

 

This time, I called it off after a very settled happy period of 5 months. It had been 3 days since MM was able to phone me. Suddenly it all seemed so ludicrous. I'm a successful professional woman, 68 years old , stuck in a dead end relationship with this married man who couldn't even speak to me when I wanted. THAT DID IT!

I wrote him a short email, saying I didn't want to be involved anymore and haven't been since. After so many years, it was easier than giving up smoking.

 

Poppy.

 

it does seem like there is some value to the destabilization theory. You sound like you just knew this time it had to be over, and it made the accepting no contact easier. Does he still try to contact you, and you just not respond? Way to go, I hope to be where you are one day soon

[Lostgirl186]

My A lasted 3 years. We broke up about 4 times, 3 were initiated by him including this final time. The first few only lasted a couple of weeks and I would cave in and text, I would ask him to stay as at least friends. But we would always end up falling into old habits of the sexual side of the affair.

 

This time it's been NC for a couple months I think? I have no desire to beg him back into my life this time around.

 

You sound a lot like me.. When we argue I'm always caving. Did he ever try to reach out after a breakup? I know he is bad, this situation is bad, and I want to be to that point like you said where I have no desire to beg him back.. Bc I think he gets a thrill out of it.

[rumblefish12]

Hi,

One lasted a year, the other two several months ,one only a day and the last one has been 9 weeks.

 

Wow, Poppy, That's amazing. 8 years. When we were in our 3rd year, I kept thinking to myself, "how long is this going to last?" It was basically the longest relationship I've ever had other than with my BS. But given how fast it all went, I knew that one of two things would occur: 1) at any time and without warning my entire world would come crashing down via a DDay (which I know could still happen even though 3 months NC, or 2) I'd wake up one day and find that it had been 8 year, 10 years, 25 years.... who knows.

 

Regarding the quote, if you don't mind my asking, how did those long periods of NC end? Did things go right back to where they were or was it like starting all over again?

 

You know I've been in AA for almost 20 years, and they talk about how alcoholism continues to progress even though you haven't been drinking for years, which means that if you do decide to start again the decline is rapid and dramatic. SO many things about this affair mirror what I know to be true of addiction.

[Sabella]

You sound a lot like me.. When we argue I'm always caving. Did he ever try to reach out after a breakup? I know he is bad, this situation is bad, and I want to be to that point like you said where I have no desire to beg him back.. Bc I think he gets a thrill out of it.

 

No, he never was the one to reach out, it has always been me. Granted, lol, I never allowed very much time after the breakups before I caved. I don't believe that he will ever reach out to me though, just my gut instinct.

 

Honestly, there was a lot of push/pull in between the break ups too. So it was rather exhausting. I was constantly in my head trying to figure out what was going on with us, over analyzing every detail. After a few years of that, it gets easier to say enough. Wish I had that instinct a long time ago.

 

Lost, will you share your story here? Take care

[Poppy47]

it does seem like there is some value to the destabilization theory. You sound like you just knew this time it had to be over, and it made the accepting no contact easier. Does he still try to contact you, and you just not respond? Way to go, I hope to be where you are one day soon

 

I don't have any contact with him anymore. He never tried to contact me.I was always the one to come back.

 

I still think of him , of course, but the memories don't move me any more.

 

Poppy

[Poppy47]

Wow, Poppy, That's amazing. 8 years. When we were in our 3rd year, I kept thinking to myself, "how long is this going to last?" It was basically the longest relationship I've ever had other than with my BS. But given how fast it all went, I knew that one of two things would occur: 1) at any time and without warning my entire world would come crashing down via a DDay (which I know could still happen even though 3 months NC, or 2) I'd wake up one day and find that it had been 8 year, 10 years, 25 years.... who knows.

 

Regarding the quote, if you don't mind my asking, how did those long periods of NC end? Did things go right back to where they were or was it like starting all over again?

 

You know I've been in AA for almost 20 years, and they talk about how alcoholism continues to progress even though you haven't been drinking for years, which means that if you do decide to start again the decline is rapid and dramatic. SO many things about this affair mirror what I know to be true of addiction.

Hi Rumble

I was always the one to make contact after a break. He only did once.

 

It was exactly as you said..... things went back to the way they used to be immediately.

 

I am sorry there is a sword hanging over your head. I guess you will learn to live with it the best way you can.

 

My theory : The 8th anniversary of meeting xMM was very close when I ended the affair. That number scared me. I suddenly realised that I had been limiting my options in life for a very long time. To carry on would mean I was robbing myself of any hopes or dreams for the future . My future is not getting any longer, believe me.

 

I hope you stay NC. Time and years fly by. Don't waste them on a fantasy.

 

Poppy.

[rumblefish12]

Hi Rumble

I hope you stay NC. Time and years fly by. Don't waste them on a fantasy.Poppy.

 

Poppy -- I can't thank you enough for saying that. I really needed to hear it today. The broken part of me wants to obsess about the fantasy as if it were real and had somewhere to go, someway to grow. Acceptance and gratitude are the keys to my happiness today. . . and NC. ~rumble

[Chica80]

Lostgirl...... this is exactly what I find. The on again off again. Been 16 months now. And I never thought I would be here 16 months later. I think do I want to be here next year or the year after....NO I don't. But its hard with someone who has become such a constant in my life.

 

Sometimes I think the only way things will end is if DDay ever happens. For him.

 

The longest NC has been two weeks, he broke it. The rest of the time has been me. The longest I've gone. One week

[rumblefish12]

And I never thought I would be here 16 months later.

 

Chica -- see my exchange with Poppy above. I woke up and it was more than 3 years. She woke up and 8 years had gone by. But don't worry about your track record thus far. My exAP and I broke it off well over a dozen times and typically it lasted a week or two at the most. We are just about at the 3 month mark NC and I think it is a done deal this time.

 

You have to decide on what you want. And you have to be prepared to endure the pain. But you'll be better for it. Hang in there. You can do it.

[Chica80]

thanks rumble.......Why this time? What has made it different this time?

 

I feel like there's a constant war you know. No I don't want to continue like this in this way. Its weird to say but no I don't want other people to be hurt because of our choices and actions.

 

But there's another part that doesn't want to let go. He's become a very real fixture in my life important.

[Poppy47]

thanks rumble.......Why this time? What has made it different this time?

 

I feel like there's a constant war you know. No I don't want to continue like this in this way. Its weird to say but no I don't want other people to be hurt because of our choices and actions.

 

But there's another part that doesn't want to let go. He's become a very real fixture in my life important.

 

Sunshine,

You cannot live with conflict forever. It will suck the life out of you.

 

He is taking away your future hopes and dreams and offering you nothing.

 

You know, he isn't anything real in your life at all. Wait until you really need him for something important in your life. I can promise you he will be busy doing something with his wife. He won't be with you.

 

Poppy.

[Lostgirl186]

Reading all of your replies, and different stories has really helped bring me out of the depression I was sliding in to. Sometimes knowing you aren't alone, and you aren't the only one hurting over down thing like this that you can't share with even your closest friends is like a weight being lifted off your shoulders.

[Chica80]

Poppy: I hear what your saying. Yes I can't see him when I want or always talk to him when I want. But the moments when something happened and I needed him. He was there. Regardless of wife or not.

 

As a lover relationship no. As a friend yes. That's the difficult and confusing part.

 

It's easy to put all affairs/relationships in one box. We are all similar in that it's selfish by nature and hurtful to ourselves and others.

 

I'm in no way advocating affairs are ok. I don't like the secrecy.

[rumblefish12]

thanks rumble.......Why this time? What has made it different this time? I feel like there's a constant war you know. No I don't want to continue like this in this way. . . . But there's another part that doesn't want to let go. He's become a very real fixture in my life important.

 

Hi Chica - I get it entirely. So what is different this time? It is a number of things. A big one is that I was really sad following my split with exAP (still am but getting better) and my BW picked up on my sadness. She confronted me and basically said that she felt totally distant from me and that we had grown apart significantly and she hasn't trusted me or felt close to me in a long time. WOW. Looking at it now it isn't a big surprise, but when you devote attention to someone else, you take it away from your BW. Duh, right?

 

So it was a miniDDay, or at least a wakeup call. And no I didn't come clean. I know there are a lot of people here who would question my decision on that, but it's a personal decision.

 

In any event, when exAP called me two weeks into NC because I had deleted all my social media accounts, I explained the situation and that we were doing MC and part of our effort to reconnect involved no more social media and we were doing the family phone tracker thing (which I avoided for a long time). I basically had a small glimpse of what a DDay would involve. I saw in small measure the pain on my BW face and I had to stick NC out. Had that not occurred and exAP called me two weeks later, I don't know if I would have pushed through and stayed with NC.

 

I believe in signs. I have had many many signs over the course of my A that this needs to stop and I ignored those to continue to behave selfishly. But, there was no ignoring this.

 

Let me give you an example. For years when I would lose an eyelash, and you can hold it in your fingers, make a wish and blow it away, I would always wish for a happy and healthy family. For the three years that my A continued on, and I would lose an eyelash, I would make the same wish and simultaneously bitterly curse myself for being the biggest hypocrite ********* on the face of the earth. This needed to stop. If I didn't heed my BW upset at this point without a full on DDay then I would be guaranteeing that nothing would stop me except ruining my BW's life and my children's lives. I never wanted that.

 

As much as I struggle now with missing my exAP, I have to stay NC. Trust me, I understand your conflicting emotions and justifications. At some point we are what we do. I've done a horrible thing. Do I now want to make it worse or better? I'm trying to make it better and for me at this time, no amount of pain should stop that. I firmly believe that it is best for my exAP too, to either improve her situation at home or make room for someone in her life who can be there entirely for her.

[Chica80]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. For a long time there had been issues in my marriage. Starting the affair, I had compassion, validation, understanding I felt was not in my marriage. I chose to leave my marriage. We are currently seperated. It wasn't entirely the affair. It made me want to fight for what I want and don't want.

 

But now I'm seperated living on my own. (I posted my story in another thread)

 

I felt I was getting crumbs before. And crumbs now. That's why I want to stop. We've talked about that. He says he wants more for me. He doesn't want this for me or himself.

 

Sorry Lost didn't mean to take up your thread.

[Lostgirl186]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. For a long time there had been issues in my marriage. Starting the affair, I had compassion, validation, understanding I felt was not in my marriage. I chose to leave my marriage. We are currently seperated. It wasn't entirely the affair. It made me want to fight for what I want and don't want.

 

But now I'm seperated living on my own. (I posted my story in another thread)

 

I felt I was getting crumbs before. And crumbs now. That's why I want to stop. We've talked about that. He says he wants more for me. He doesn't want this for me or himself.

 

Sorry Lost didn't mean to take up your thread.

 

No apologies at all, this is why I started the thread. To hear different stories and different point of views. I trying to get myself to let go, to establish NC and be able to stick with it. This thread has helped me realize how similar these patterns seem to be.

[Lostgirl186]

Have any of you found during the on again phases, your AP, (mainly the MM) seems to go cold for a few days after an encounter (whether it be physical, phone sex- any intimate encounter.) like maybe the guilt is getting to them for a few days and they aren't as responsive, etc?

[rumblefish12]

Have any of you found during the on again phases, your AP, (mainly the MM) seems to go cold for a few days after an encounter (whether it be physical, phone sex- any intimate encounter.) like maybe the guilt is getting to them for a few days and they aren't as responsive, etc?

 

I was the MM, she was the OMW. I always had a lot of guilt after a connection. Over time I got very good at suppressing that, particularly as the fantasy with my exAP grew. But it was particularly difficult after we were together and my thinking would be " This has to stop. I'm out of control. I'm going to devastate my BW and family if this comes to light."

 

I've said how we went NC many times before. And things were always really turbulent -- probably a big part of what attracted us to each other. She is broken like me. So as things were getting turbulent and it seemed a NC was imminent I would say to myself, "alright, in a week or two you will find yourself missing her terribly. Remember this moment right now. The NC me must remember the preNC me!"

 

it was like night/day. It was like I was a different person after a couple weeks NC. It is such an addiction.

 

My exAP would also do these things when she was struggling with our relationship. I think from her perspective it was more the problem that I wouldn't leave my family than we shouldn't be doing this to our families. When she wanted to hurt me, after we'd been together (meaning immediately after we'd been together) she would say, "You can go now." It was a blend of "this is all I'm good for" and "this is all I need you for." That pissed me off so bad.