"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Chica80]

Yes that's the cycle.....We talk, we text we spend time together then we are alone together. It turns physical.... he always feels guilty. Then gets cold. Although lately not so much. He tries to hide it better. I told him that was the most painful part we have a physical interaction....he feels bad and pulls away. So he tries not to now.

 

BUT all this does is make the time away turn into a longing and missing for the next time. Each encounter seems to escalate.

 

Its a very exhausting pattern I've come to know. About once a month now.

 

We work together and many times are in the same social situations. Which doesn't make it easier.

 

It's all not ok, but I think the physical is the worst for him. It's like as long as that line is not crossed its ok and we are "....friends"..................ugh I hate that word, because its nonsense(Sorry had an argument about this last night and feeling pretty raw)

[Chica80]

I was the MM, she was the OMW.

 

My exAP would also do these things when she was struggling with our relationship. I think from her perspective it was more the problem that I wouldn't leave my family than we shouldn't be doing this to our families. When she wanted to hurt me, after we'd been together (meaning immediately after we'd been together) she would say, "You can go now." It was a blend of "this is all I'm good for" and "this is all I need you for." That pissed me off so bad.

 

 

This!!! We've argued about this. How can you share what we have what we do and go home and be with someone else? We never talk about his marriage we never talk about her. He said he loves her. So if you love her than WTF am I. This makes him angry/hurt when Ive said these things.

 

I know what people will say because I'm just a sidepiece, just sex. That would be the easy answer if it was just sex. Like I said before someone said in another post. He won't be there for you when you need him. Not true. He has been there. When friends I thought would be there and show up didn't he did. I know that I can rely on him, because he has shown that. So I don't know its all crazy making really....

[Poppy47]

This!!! We've argued about this. How can you share what we have what we do and go home and be with someone else? We never talk about his marriage we never talk about her. He said he loves her. So if you love her than WTF am I. This makes him angry/hurt when Ive said these things.

 

I know what people will say because I'm just a sidepiece, just sex. That would be the easy answer if it was just sex. Like I said before someone said in another post. He won't be there for you when you need him. Not true. He has been there. When friends I thought would be there and show up didn't he did. I know that I can rely on him, because he has shown that. So I don't know its all crazy making really....

 

He won't leave. Even if he does support you, he will stay where he is.

 

Poppy

[rumblefish12]

This!!! We've argued about this. How can you share what we have what we do and go home and be with someone else?

 

This is me completely. She always got mad that I didn't talk about my marriage. She had a lot to complain about in her marriage, and I was fine listening to that. However, my marriage didn't have the issues that hers did and complaining about the little things just made me feel more guilty about what I was doing. As if it justified what I was doing. Nothing could.

 

How could I go home after that? That's a really good question. You hear a lot of people talk about whether it is possible to love two people. Is that just another justification? Eventually there's no ignoring the conflict created by these two lives. So whether it is love or it isn't, if you can't continue on with it because one or both parties are unable to anymore, then what does it matter what it is called?

 

It's so hard. It is probably the hardest thing I've encountered as an adult. I joked once with my exAP that they should teach a class on A's in high school, like home economics. Given how pervasive it is and it isn't talked about widely in the open, I think most people find themselves in this situation and have no idea of how to contextualize it or navigate it. Many of those people thought for damn sure they'd never BE the one in an A, making it all the more mind blowing.

[Chica80]

Rumble I can't figure out exactly if I want to hug you or slap you...

You sound just like him. "what does it matter what it is called"

 

Its the same. He has never said he loves me. He won't. He has always said there is no future for us. That I'm better without him This is painful for me and I deserve better.

 

I talk to him about everything, everything in my life. My marriage all the pain. Why I'm here what has led me to this point. But with him........

 

Its the why? Why are you here what is it that you get from me, because we all get something. Whether its validation and love that we seek. Or a mirror to reflect what we don't want to see.

 

I think maybe sometimes we want someone to see the ugliest things about us. Because this is an ugly thing, its painful.......but yet hey your ugly inside your wounded.....but I still love you I want you you matter to me...

[rumblefish12]

Rumble I can't figure out exactly if I want to hug you or slap you... .

 

I'm afraid you aren't the first person to say that. LOL. I was the same way. I resisted saying I love you forever! She was saying it for months before I finally did. And every time I did I felt like I was taking my injustice to a new level.

 

Please know that it doesn't mean I didn't really have those feelings for my exAP. It just brought that undeniable conflict to a head every time I said it. The feelings are there.

 

There's lots of discussion of whether they were real or not. To some extent that too doesn't matter if they feel real while you're feeling them. Then what is real anyway?

[Lostgirl186]

sunshinechica, I feel that if we sat down and told our stories, we would have so many similarities. Rumblefish, I would really love to pick your brain, you give so much insight on the other side of things

[rumblefish12]

Rumblefish, I would really love to pick your brain...

 

LG - I'm an openbook (on here at least, right?). But feel free. Let me know if I can answer anything, I'm happy to try.

 

You know I was on and again in my A for over 3 years, with many NC starts. I used to frequent a different webboard on this issue which is now defunct. It's funny that over there I was similarly one of very few MM/OM on the board. From my perspective I'm just trying to get better. I want to learn from this and grow. Sometimes I just want to get passed it. For me, talking about it helps. I've mentioned before being in AA for a long time; I'm used to talking it out. I get A LOT from this place and all of you. I'm very appreciate of LS and all of your insights. I get stuck in my head otherwise; it can be a scary place.

[ladydesigner]

I joked once with my exAP that they should teach a class on A's in high school, like home economics. Given how pervasive it is and it isn't talked about widely in the open, I think most people find themselves in this situation and have no idea of how to contextualize it or navigate it. Many of those people thought for damn sure they'd never BE the one in an A, making it all the more mind blowing.

 

Omg I say this all the time to my friends and family. There should be a class taught on relationships as it is one of the most important things in life. I learned some things in school I will never have a use for!

[Chica80]

Lost: whenever you are ready to share your story we are here to listen. I have friends who I talk to but it's different with someone who can actually understand what you are going through.

 

Rumble.....I agree with Lost. It's so nice to have a male perspective. I think many times we as women can empathize with each other or (bash eachother).....but it's nice to hear the other side too...

 

For people not in this situation it's easy to judge when your not in it. We all have different ways of coping with things. Some healthy some not so healthy.

 

Relationships/ love just happens to be my drug of choice.

[Poppy47]

Have any of you found during the on again phases, your AP, (mainly the MM) seems to go cold for a few days after an encounter (whether it be physical, phone sex- any intimate encounter.) like maybe the guilt is getting to them for a few days and they aren't as responsive, etc?

 

During my A there were many periods of intense contact, when xMM's wife would go overseas or on a trip with the women friends.

 

After she returned, he would withdraw for a while. It was as though I didn't exist anymore.

 

Guilt? Preoccupation with domestic matters?? Dunno.

 

Poppy.

[pooldog]

During my A there were many periods of intense contact, when xMM's wife would go overseas or on a trip with the women friends.

 

After she returned, he would withdraw for a while. It was as though I didn't exist anymore.

 

Guilt? Preoccupation with domestic matters?? Dunno.

 

Poppy.

 

Ditto!!! That happened to me!!

[Outofmysystem]

Rumble, your not the only guy on here unfortunately, lol.....I've kind of told my story, but not in full detail yet.....I've just posted in other threads stuff here and there....so ladies, any questions that I can help with, I'd be happy too.

 

So mine, my Affair, was 6 years (almost, 5 3/4) I'm a MM, with older kids (teens) and she was(is) MOW, she has kids too, just a little younger.....we worked together for almost the whole time of our relationship. I actually asked her to be my girlfriend several months into it and she thought that that was cute and sweet. We didn't have a DDay on either side, and much like Rumble, I didn't confess either (or her).....do I have the same amount of guilt and shame, of course.....trying to live both lives and not wanting to destroy either one of them is the mind game we all play to a point. We fool ourselves and everyone involved, which is why I think she called it off about 8 months ago. We never had the typical NC or push pull, we always treated arguments about whatever as relationship challenges, like we really were officially together even though we were not. We told each other we loved each other and I meant it, I believe she did too.....although you question everything after......we were emotionally together and physically, the connection was "classically" the best....the sex and the affection were (are) the hardest part of not having the A, and yes, it and her are very much an addiction as anything you can be addicted to......

 

This is all very selfish obviously, I realize that.....I did before, we talked and teased for a few months before I took it past the point of no return.....and I know that my wife doesn't deserve that kind of pain, or my family either if they were to find out even if my marriage is not in the best shape. All I can say is that I made the choice.....I did (still) love her.....but I know her reasons and for what it's worth, this is the best outcome that can happen from these things other than not having them in the first place.....that I understand now.....

 

But I still miss her and how she made me feel......I think that's what we all struggle with....

[Chica80]

I read a lot of post. We all say oh that's not me my relationship is different he/she isn't like that.....Although I think all affairs are similar in some senses they are different in other senses.

 

I guess my big question is this...To both of you gentlemen.....Why?

 

You seem to allude that the problems weren't that big. You love your wives and your family. So why?

 

My thinking before I started this....I've been married for 9 years. Our marriage was always cyclical ups downs. Lots of fights. Yes no marriage is perfect. Everyone has arguments and down periods. Ours just seemed to have extra. I have depression and it has been a huge point of contention in our marriage. Sometimes used as a weapon against me. I've done IC. We have gone to MC. I'm on meds. I think finally I just reached a point where I said enough. I don't want this anymore. So when he showed interest in me. Listened to me cry and talk. I said enough. I chose to go into the affair because I was trying to heal so much pain. Yes I vasiladated back and forth work on marriage or not. But ultimately I was checked out.

 

That's the problem I have a hard time with. He was engaged when we started. It's supposed to be a happy time right. He said he loved her. He doesn't want to hurt her. He's someone who always takes care of others. His family his friends his coworkers. Everyone comes to him with their problems. So it's what I have the hardest time with. If things aren't bad. If there aren't problems. If you love your wife. Why?

 

And SEX is not the reason for anyone who might be thinking that......

[rumblefish12]

Why?

 

And SEX is not the reason for anyone who might be thinking that......

 

I'll first say that in reality it wasn't anything that my BW did or did not do. But I did initially get into the A for sex. Sex had all but stopped at home. My BW and I were best friends and worked incredibly well together, raising kids, etc., but she basically declared she could do without sex and it wouldn't have any effect on her life. That's not me; I've always been on the other extreme. And I got tired of initiating it and getting shot down.

 

Looking at it now, was it because of sex? No, you are right. It was because of ego. My ego.

 

Oddly enough, when I went NC and devoted all my attention to my BW, our R and sex life has improved dramatically.

 

And every time I think about breaking NC, it is clearly ego driven. While I do miss my exAP terribly (withdrawal), I have to ask myself, "Would I break NC because I want to know she misses me? Because I want to make sure she hasn't moved on? Because I want to "save" her in some ridiculous fantasy?"

 

So why did it happen? I'm a POS at the center of the universe, basically.

[Outofmysystem]

Sunshinechica, I would agree to a point with Rumble, ego has a lot to do with it, probably for most guys.....that said in my case, my wife and I have had tough times in the past about cheating that I never did....she would accuse me of it (she's very jealous) and I would get all the arguments, cursing accusations that would come with cheating, but I wasn't!, and I dealt with that for years.....years.....so enter my xMOW, she's friendly, younger, chasing me (she initiated it first) pretty.....I pushed her back after her flirty texts, telling me about a sexual dream she had about me......I really was not going to go further.....but then I contrasted her against my home life and the complaining, and bitching and of course the "grass greener" thing kicked in and we started.....not heavy at first, kissing and some oral sex, but after our fist time together, it was on......she was (still) having the same kind of abusive, verbal stuff in her home from her husband, so we shared that in common, we clicked as friends so she became my best friend.....and as much as you may not want to hear it, the sex was fantastic, nothing off limits and for a guy, to have a woman respond to you so physically and over the top for just doing "normal" things is more powerful than any drug for sale.....with her, all I had to do was kiss her and her temp would increase a 1000 degrees.....

 

That obviously is not something that a BS would want to hear, but with me it was the truth.....reinforce that with her attention and affection and it was a HUGE cocktail of emotion and chemicals that I could not stop......

 

Do I miss THAT?.....yes......do I know that how it is right now is so much better, yes I do, but I am broken from all of this, and I will never be the way I was before I did it.....

[Rea]

I am finding this thread fascinating! Thank you for starting it.

 

It's so interesting hearing Rumblefish12 and Outofmysystem's male perspectives, as well as all the female experiences.

 

I can especially relate to Outofmysystem's last post where being both lover and best friend was focussed on. So much of what was said in this post related to my eighteen month A. I'm not sure either of us will ever fully recover from our relationship, with or without contact.

 

We were on off for a couple months at the start of the year after a lot of heartache. We have since resolved to remain friends. We keep in touch, but do not meet in person. He was my best friend and amazing lover. I know that we still love each other, but we both understand that this could not go on. Equally, we both knew NC would be devastatingly difficult as we would most likely eventually seek each other out, but in a manner likely to resume the A.

 

I have read a lot about split self affairs and believe this has my xMM accurately captured. Upon researching SSA's I was able to develop a real understanding of the destabilisation we faced.

 

I know that many on these forum's would frown upon us keeping in touch, but each to their own I say. 'One size fits all' just doesn't apply when it comes to A's.

[Lostgirl186]

I agree. I am loving the male perspectives..on my side, we never speak of our marriages to each other- he is by all appearances the happy husband, profound in the community, church etc. When the flirting first began he told me that basically his wife's sex drive was gone. Without going into too much detail (that's a whole new there's in itself) we had a few physical encounters the first year, not sex but other acts, and lots of phone sex, sexting, etc. It went all the way at the beginning of this year, and has happened two more times sense.. With phone sex etc usually at least once a week. We don't do the I love you thing and we both adamantly make a point tell each other it's only physical.. He always withdraws after, turns cold and we fuss so to speak. It's like he he to show me it's only physical or something? I do have deeper feelings, and I Would never tell him that. A few weeks ago, we had spur of the moment sex in his house daylight, really risky. He immediately said afterward he was done he was making bad decisions and this wasn't going to happen anymore. He was adamant when I would try to talk to him for that first week after that that he wasn't changing his mind this time, and I told him I knew he would he always did this cycle has been going on for a year and a half everytime he does something he's not supposed to, he pulls away. By week two after the last sexual encounter, he was a little more receptive to me and by the middle of that week we had phone sex again. And then for two days after that he was back being cold, barely responding to my texts if at all. We never speak in evenings or on weekends so we haven't talked in a few days. I guess what I'm getting at is I never know which person I'm going to get from day to day. This last time, the sex was a bit more intimate than the first two times.. So I'm not sure if he's afraid he's going to get feelings or what. It's like he knows he needs to stop, but he just can't tell me no. I know that I need to try to let go bc I can tell that I am starting to develop feelings, even though I play it off Around him. That's why I've started this thread. To get insight and see if every A went through these cycles, try to get some insight as to what HE may be thinking... And to just not feel so alone anymore ☹️

[Outofmysystem]

Rea, I'm glad you got something out of my post.....if my issues with this whole thing can help anyone on this board, especially if they haven't pulled the trigger yet, then there is a silver lining....talking about anyone else that's reading but lurking.....on the point of the best friends stuff, that more than the physical part is the hardest to get over.....especially in my case because other than the last few months, my xMOW was crazy in love with me, or so I thought......I was honestly, obviously, cake eating and not thinking we were ever going to break up.....I actually was thinking that we were going to eventually get found out, and then her and I would be together in the end, I really did......

 

Now, that could have been the fantasy and the oxytocin in my drunken brain, lol.....but I was fully there at one point.......but deep down, I loved her and I still do.....she was special, to me.....she wasn't a special, extra ordinary super human, she was just special to me.....

 

That said, she reached her limit with all of it, getting burned out on the guilt and the lies, choosing the job that she now has over me (I was going to work with her again, but got fired in a complicated set of circumstances) and her being scared of loosing her comfort and kids (although she never would have lost her kids).....she became a cold, heartless bitch in the end and actually has kept her end of the NC even if we never really called it that (she's also very stubborn and proud)

 

So by default, I'm in NC even though I know it's the best for me.....

 

Lost girl, he's having trouble keeping his 2 worlds separated, and/or his personal guilt over morals or shame?......hard not to take it personal, but don't.....its in his head.....but, you see how this turns out almost 99% of the time, protect your heart, no one else will.....

[Chica80]

Your responses have all definitely been helpful and enlightening.

 

Lost this is exactly us. Our story. The push/ pull back and forth. Because at the base of it we all know what we are doing is wrong. It would be painful to everyone around us. The same thing for us. In the 16mo we have had actual intercourse less than a handful of times. Oral and phone etc. Yes. We had sex, last week. Before then it was a year ago. I think ultimately he pulls away after because he feels awful. He doesn't want to "use me" or hurt his wife. So yes its a struggle internally. Because if he is like my AP internally he is a "good guy" but something broken inside like we all are. Otherwise he wouldn't feel guilty or try to pull away.

 

Rumble and Out: Thank you so much for this input. Ya at first I think it was sex. Or attraction. I've always been super sexual. So is he. We have known each other for about 4 yrs before anything happened. As I stated we work together and were friends. Not close but yes friends. Same with us the sex and everything with it is intense. Amazing. I def think I'm an ego boost. I remember once when we were in this argument and I was so upset I said what is it you want from me....to make you feel better or worse about yourself. Am I your emotional fluffer. OUT just like you he has become one of my closest friends. He listens, he encourages me there isn't anything I don't share with him. I would like to think I do the same for him. He is not one to talk much about himself or share much. But he does some. He said he shares the most with me. Like emotional diarrhea/vomit. Mine is all over the place lots of it. What he shares is his version of emotional diarrhea.

 

Out I believe I read in one of your other post your relationship was for 6years? She ended it?

Why didn't you both end your relationship and be together?

[Outofmysystem]

Sunshinechica, yes, the A was for 6 years.....why did it last so long?, why didn't we end our marriages and get together?.....good questions, we "future faked" over the course of it, we also argued about the "fantasy" and "unrealistic" nature of the whole thing some times......at work (we worked together for most of it) we were together all the time, lunches together, dinners after...seeing each other before during and after work....having sex (in what I'm amazed) in places we didn't get caught in.....all of it was fueled with emotion, deep need and desire so heady that I never, I mean never thought I was capable of or would have.....

 

That said, again, that is completely and totally selfish and self centered on my part, to depths I didn't know I had......when you contemplate the destruction and pain that I could have caused, the price for admission to that ride was too high.....granted, this was forced on me, like an addict that was admitted without consent.....but months of being "sober", have eased my soul with help too from prayer and asking for forgiveness......I hope it doesn't come back to get me in the future, if it does I'll have to pay the price, but there is comfort on the other side after all......

 

Am I still broken?, yea.....I'm putting the pieces back together....my BS not knowing has its challenges too as she doesn't know what got me to that point, but I'm the most to blame so I don't dwell on that, I'm just trying to be the best me I can while still being a faulty human.....I still struggle with the ups and downs though even after all this time just like most on here that are in NC.

 

To answer: I was (at least I thought) ready to "be" together, but she had other ideas.....as I was pulling her in so to speak, she was letting go and turning into someone else, someone that I never met or recognized......yet another shock to the system......

 

Hence......I need her "out of my system"......

Edited June 27, 2016 by Outofmysystem

[Chica80]

I actually was thinking that we were going to eventually get found out, and then her and I would be together in the end, I really did......

OUT I totally get the selfishness the fantasy we get caught up. But not all of it is fantasy. You did have a relationship. You did have feelings emotions they were real.

 

For me personally if I wasn't in the stage where I was I wouldn't have started an affair. (I like to think so) It's not an excuse and it doesn't make it ok.

 

You said you wanted to get caught? You wanted to get caught to stop the guilt and pain. Or so you can be together without actually having to do anything? (Not judgement a question) Have you and your wife tried MC? And for yourself IC?

 

I'm not out of it....yet. I asked him if there was a part that wanted to get caught he said no....but he is starting to get sloppy. We don't future fake. We just say we shouldn't do this cant be together its unhealthy.....But seem to end up back in the same place. That's the addiction part I think. It's also why I think this will not end unless I totally end things go away and NC. Or he has a DDAy.

[Lostgirl186]

Rumblefish and Outofmysystem, seems like in our cases, it's us (the female) that always seems to go back. In any of your on again phases, did your AP ever hold out long enough for you to make the first contact again? I've also wondered, in my situation and Sunshinechica'd also, the actual intercourse has only happened a couple of times... If they are in it for just the sex, but aren't actually having it on a regular basis (whether it be from the fear or lack of opportunity,) what keeps them changing their minds and getting caught back in the cycle?

[Rea]

I agree. I am loving the male perspectives..on my side, we never speak of our marriages to each other- he is by all appearances the happy husband, profound in the community, church etc. When the flirting first began he told me that basically his wife's sex drive was gone. Without going into too much detail (that's a whole new there's in itself) we had a few physical encounters the first year, not sex but other acts, and lots of phone sex, sexting, etc. It went all the way at the beginning of this year, and has happened two more times sense.. With phone sex etc usually at least once a week. We don't do the I love you thing and we both adamantly make a point tell each other it's only physical.. He always withdraws after, turns cold and we fuss so to speak. It's like he he to show me it's only physical or something? I do have deeper feelings, and I Would never tell him that. A few weeks ago, we had spur of the moment sex in his house daylight, really risky. He immediately said afterward he was done he was making bad decisions and this wasn't going to happen anymore. He was adamant when I would try to talk to him for that first week after that that he wasn't changing his mind this time, and I told him I knew he would he always did this cycle has been going on for a year and a half everytime he does something he's not supposed to, he pulls away. By week two after the last sexual encounter, he was a little more receptive to me and by the middle of that week we had phone sex again. And then for two days after that he was back being cold, barely responding to my texts if at all. We never speak in evenings or on weekends so we haven't talked in a few days. I guess what I'm getting at is I never know which person I'm going to get from day to day. This last time, the sex was a bit more intimate than the first two times.. So I'm not sure if he's afraid he's going to get feelings or what. It's like he knows he needs to stop, but he just can't tell me no. I know that I need to try to let go bc I can tell that I am starting to develop feelings, even though I play it off Around him. That's why I've started this thread. To get insight and see if every A went through these cycles, try to get some insight as to what HE may be thinking... And to just not feel so alone anymore ☹️

 

Lost girl - I think he probably does have feelings for you, his coldness is to try to keep himself detached. If you want this to continue, and prefer the more intimate side of him, why not teach him that? You have choices in this too. He may be responding coldly because he thinks that's what you want. If you never share feelings with him, how do you know his push pull change of hearts aren't because he's struggling with the detached approach? Why take you to his home if he wants this to be detached, no strings? Is it about him playing out frustration and anger towards his wife because of their sexless marriage?

Sorry, I just cannot help but be curious about the psychology behind it.

 

My xMM wanted to take me to his house one weekend his wife was away, but I just couldn't get my head around being in 'their' home, I guess because so much emotion was (is) involved. We live a couple of hours away from each other and were already staying in a lovely hotel together, so I couldn't get my head around why he wanted to take me home! Upon asking him, he said he wanted to 'feel my prescience' there! I asked him if this ever came out, could he lie to his BW if she asked him outright if I'd been to their home, he said no, so I just couldn't. I was completely without boundaries when it came to falling in love with her husband, but struggled with being in their home - go figure!

 

My xMM used to claim his marriage was a happy one. He is a very well respected figure in the community and his church. He is head of a large family who all look up to him. At first I believed what he said to be true about his strong, loving marriage, but during our developing intimacy, I/we found it to be otherwise. Some have previously called it rewriting history, I don't believe this to be true. I think it's about being honest in facing up to what is driving one to participate in the A. Don't get me wrong, he and his W get along, they make it work to the outside world, but he has a lot of pent up frustration with her. He was NEVER disrespectful with his words when talking about her/his marriage. I know he loves her, but the difference being; he's 'in love' with me.

 

To protect yourself from this A (as much as that is ever possible) think about what you want from this; what YOU can cope with, then lay it out to him.

If the NC for a few days gets to you - tell him. If the completely emotionless sex is getting to you - tell him. This cannot be about what always plays out best for him. You are 50% of this.

 

I hope how ever this plays out for you, that you protect and take care of yourself.

[rumblefish12]

she was letting go and turning into someone else, someone that I never met or recognized......yet another shock to the system......Hence......I need her "out of my system"......

 

My A had many of the same elements. Crazy sex and drunk with lust. My exAP related to all men sexually. She had much more of a guy mindset than a woman, in that sex was a bodily function. A need. Not really an emotional endeavor with her.

 

She told me she had never really had feelings before and she kind of wished she never met me because how she knew how love felt and it would be difficult to settle for less. More ego kibble. But as much as I wanted her, she never really presented as a viable life alternative, even setting aside laying waste to everything in my life. All things being equal, my exAP wasn't really the kind of woman you see yourself with long term. In fact, I am certain that if she ever met any of my family, they wouldn't like her. She doesn't relate to women at all. No good female friends. And men, she messes with their heads. She was estranged from her mother and father and her sister because of somehow being wronged. She may be a sociopath. The title of our story could be "The Sociopath and the Narcissist." LOL

 

To complicate things even more, my exAP was in an abusive marriage that started when she was 18, having kids right out of the gate. And her marriage was really crazy even apart from the periods of physical and mental abuse. Her husband regularly told her she just needed a boyfriend. He encouraged her to get a boyfriend. So, she had this notion of "how lucky am I that my husband would allow me to have a boyfriend!" And periodically she would throw that in my face, as in "one of these days I'm going to have to choose whether I want a boyfriend that presents the possibility of a future with the blessing of my husband, or you who I have to keep secret and won't leave his spouse for me."

 

It was bull**** really. And, I was also worried that despite her reassurances, that boyfriend shopping may occur without my knowing about it. That opened up a whole new can of potential hell to bring home to my BW.

 

I can't tell you how good it feels to discuss all this. When I type it out it makes me feel so much better being extricated from that. For so long I really didn't think there was going to be any way out except for my life to implode.

 

OUT I like it how you said this is the best resolution other than never having entered the A in the first place. It is good to be reminded of that. I'm one of the lucky ones (at least so far).

 

But it also drives me nuts to be reminded how dysfunctional my A was and yet, there's still a big part of me that wants my exAP. It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

 

Out of My System -- I'm sorry if I missed it, but how long have you been NC?