"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[rumblefish12]

Question to my male friends on here: Did you ever ...

 

There was a standing rule about no marks and trying not to wear perfume/cologne. However, after 3 years you do get lax and there is a sense of "I got this." It seems that's exactly when you don't "got this" and it all unravels. Fortunately that never happened.

 

There were marks and I'm sure I smelled. I don't think that was purposeful or made it more exciting. I think it was just lax and stupid.

 

The other crazy thing was that for the most part our 2-3x week encounters were in a car, in a park. It was secluded to be sure, but what could have happened with a wrap on the window at the wrong time. That would've been one hell of a way to unravel.

 

My XAP was crazy dangerous and would've been more dangerous if I hadn't refused. But, she wasn't as concerned about discovery because her marriage was a mess anyway.

 

Although her BH was encouraging her to get a boyfriend (which was his weird fantasy) he was also extremely violent and if he found out she had been having a secret A for 3 years (not to mention loved me and was wanting to leave him for me) .... it could've been really bad for her and me. But I think that was part of her fatalistic nature. She had a real dark, self-destructive quality. As sick as it sounds, it was attractive.

 

This is another instance where I'm writing something and think "That is so insane! What was I thinking!?" As hard as NC is at times, I am so lucky that it didn't end in flames. I realize an anonymous letter or some other crazy thing could still happen, but I just need to be grateful for where I'm at now (4 months on the 13th since I last saw her in the A).

[Lostgirl186]

Lostgirl

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I think Rumble stated in one of his post he really does sound like the stereotypical version of MM on these post. You are in pain and all he had to say was you didn't hurt his ego?? What an a**

You alluded once that your marriage was not good. Is your husband the same way as MM? Why do you continue to let these men hurt you and treat you this way.

Please know this is not coming from judgement. I ask myself these same questions....

 

My home life is not a happy life. I'm basically here bc I feel like I have to be. My husband criticizes and nitpicks me to the core. And I've hair given up. I had given up long before things turned physical with MM. It's a situation where I know it can't be fixed, it I don't know what would happen if i left. If it were just me I would pack up and move far away tomorrow.

[Lostgirl186]

About something he has of mine that I need to get back. I told him it would probably be better if I got it before he left for a few weeks, to tie things up. We laughed and cut up some before things turned serious (via text.) when I mention the hard stuff he goes silent. I told him he needed a plan in place for when he came back in case the itch hit again. He went silent so I told him he always avoided the serious questions. He mentioned that he didn't think he would change his mind again this time, that it was for the best and time to stop. I just played it cool, didn't try to change his mind like normal. Then all of a sudden he had to go. I mention that I wasn't finished talking and he claimed he was tired and pulling in at home and wasn't trying to be rude but had to go. So I just said basically that I figured he thought I was crazy but that that was ok. It is what it is. That we've never gone two weeks without talking and a lot could change in that time, but that i had gone a week tomorrow without throwing myself and him and trying to get him back which is very unusual , and that I finally felt good about it this time( that parts a lie but I have too much pride to tell him that) and I didn't want him to come home and change his mind this time. And then I ended with a see ya. About twenty minutes later he sends back "I don't think your crazy. I am just at home and couldn't continue the conversation." I didn't respond. I'm battling the two fears right now- the one where he never talks to me again... And the one where he does. In a perfect world I'm better after this time away and he never talks to me again or I'm better and he does and I won't care... But after almost two years on and off... Can men just quit easier than us women?

[Outofmysystem]

Sunshine I like Rumble was very careful about marks, though hickey type stuff would never have been thought of by either of us (although I joked about it with her) she did like to bite, but held back, and I spanked but held back as well.....as far as smells and normal "wear and tear", if my wife was so inclined, she could of examined me and thought, "hmm, something looks used"...lol....but I usually "freshened" up at a bathroom stop before I got home to take care of anything. Mine was also seen in a car (majority), parking garage stairwells (frequently) then hotel rooms (occasionally)......could have gotten caught several times but was pretty lucky now looking back on it, obviously....no DDay on either side.

 

Rumble, the insane H thing depending on what you were dealing with could have been a huge mess. My XMOW's BH didn't phase me really, but you never know once someone finds out just what they would do, I guess I felt emboldened because she was feeding me stories and I thought both my BW and him "deserved" it, and physically I'm a bigger guy compared....but they were just excuses that could have cost a lot more than they did (just my heart and sanity, lol)

 

And Lostgirl, we don't all get over it faster, I'm case and point...6 years, $10's of thousands in expensive gifts, time, tears.....she has flipped the roles on me and hasn't once chased me, I've been the one to break any NC, she seems like she has amnesia and can't remember a thing, or better yet, could give a **** less.....

 

So now I'm 9 months out and 2 months of REAL NC and I couldn't tell you if she even notices or not......for me, eh, it is what it is.....when I miss her, the texts, talking and the sex, I grin and bear it like a drug addict strapped to a bed and cold sweat that **** out and then move on.....I do ask the big man for help too...

[Poppy47]

OUT

 

I met somebody recently who said we should never let another person take our happiness away. He is Hindu and it's part of his life philosophy.

 

That is what these xAPs can do. They can make us so very miserable.

 

I am grateful that there is no more of his dramas and upsets to plague my nights and days. Maybe eventually your will feel more at peace without all the excitement of youx MW.

Cheers,

Poppy

[Poppy47]

ps OUT

How did she explain all those gifts?

Poppy

[Outofmysystem]

Poppy, I would help her with "plausible" stories because we did (and do) work in the luxury retail business, so with a combination of "inside" connections and client "deals", most were explained....but it got harder as the years wore on....

[Chica80]

Yes I thought the same thing about marks. Not hickeys of course but other things. Why would you get so careless if your trying so hard to hide things?

 

LOST Do you mind if I ask why can't you leave. Is MC an option? What about IC? I've been in therapy for the last year. It has helped me so much through all of this my separation. I'm not where I want to be yet but am getting there I hope. What does MM give you? What is it you get from this relationship?

 

I've often thought we seek certain relationships either to try "heal" damaged parts in us...or to "reinforce" those things we believe about our self. Example if I think I'm not worthy of love I might pick someone who will just use me and reinforce that negative belief about myself....

 

RUMBLE Your exAP definitely sounds self destructive. I'm happy that you are able to look at things now in a different perspective. 4 months that's great. If writing things out helps keep doing it..

 

OUT 6 years that is a long time. You said once you thought you eventually would be together. Forgive me if I'm wrong but are you with your wife just because it's the right thing? Do you want things to change or get better. Being in this state of complacency cant be good for yourself or your wife.

[Outofmysystem]

Chica, with my x pulling the plug and going NC, everything just reset itself to the way it was before....my W had suspicions, but then again, she has been thinking that for years even before the A anyway....so all my denials we're exactly just like before because I've been defending myself for so long (obviously one issue we have together amongst many).....however, I know the unnatural nature of this type of relationship, yes I was selfish and cake eating, yes a lot of pain has been spared for all involved because this was the best scenario that could of happened.....when I post, I post my feelings and thoughts, doesn't mean I don't know that this is the best for me and my family....I have older kids, stable home, and a W that would never do the same to me, I know I'm an ******* for all of this....the M, like all, is still a work in progress and things are better between us....Affairs are just so complicating and ****ed up, I don't wish anybody to start one......I see clearer now that the fog has lifted.

[Chica80]

Chica, yes a lot of pain has been spared for all involved because this was the best scenario that could of happened.....when I post, I post my feelings and thoughts, doesn't mean I don't know that this is the best for me and my family....the M, like all, is still a work in progress and things are better between us....Affairs are just so complicating and ****ed up, I don't wish anybody to start one......I see clearer now that the fog has lifted.

 

The pain has been spared for everyone but you....

This is a safe thread I feel to share and not be judged.

 

I agree about affairs they're a huge convoluted mess.

I hope you continue to heal and things work out better for you.

[Chica80]

Lost Zba

How are things today?

[Chica80]

REA

Haven't heard from you in a bit.....

[ZBA]

Lost Zba

How are things today?

 

Thanks for checking in Sunshine. I'm not sure why, but I'm weirdly down today. Might be because I saw some of our mutual friends for a ladies' dinner last night. It was bittersweet because I missed them and was happy to see them for the first time since DD (they don't know anything), but sad because I know I'll never really be part of that circle in the same way.

 

He and I texted (very) briefly last night. And quickly again this morning. Basically just back and forth a few times each day, but it was nice to hear from him. I mentioned two time frames coming up that I might be free for a quick coffee, but he had reasons he's not available (which are def true). Bit of a bummer. I've made plans to keep busy the whole weekend, but this whole thing is still on my mind all the time. Despite that, I'm still in better shape than I was during NC.

 

How about you Sunshine? What's new and what's going on with you for the weekend ahead? You too, LG...how are you today?

[Chica80]

Things are better... I don't know if it's realistic to think we can maintain LC without crossing other boundaries. But I am hoping so.

 

I don't like the secrecy or lying so if it's possible to maintain things as casual, then it's that the best outcome I think.

[Poppy47]

Things are better... I don't know if it's realistic to think we can maintain LC without crossing other boundaries. But I am hoping so.

 

I don't like the secrecy or lying so if it's possible to maintain things as casual, then it's that the best outcome I think.

 

Nothing has changed . You are still in the A. It has the potential to go full blown again any time. So easy to do.

Poppy

[Lostgirl186]

Thanks for checking in Sunshine. I'm not sure why, but I'm weirdly down today. Might be because I saw some of our mutual friends for a ladies' dinner last night. It was bittersweet because I missed them and was happy to see them for the first time since DD (they don't know anything), but sad because I know I'll never really be part of that circle in the same way.

 

He and I texted (very) briefly last night. And quickly again this morning. Basically just back and forth a few times each day, but it was nice to hear from him. I mentioned two time frames coming up that I might be free for a quick coffee, but he had reasons he's not available (which are def true). Bit of a bummer. I've made plans to keep busy the whole weekend, but this whole thing is still on my mind all the time. Despite that, I'm still in better shape than I was during NC.

 

 

 

How about you Sunshine? What's new and what's going on with you for the weekend ahead? You too, LG...how are you today?

 

Sunshine ZBA I'm hanging in there. He had something of mine we used to communicate at one point in time.. Last time we got into an arugrment I told him I should get it back.. And then we were on again for a week or two, and then the major blowup. I told him yesterday it was probably good idea I got it back before he left for the two weeks... Today I asked if he wanted to meet me so I could get it, in a public place so he wouldn't think I was trying to get him in a private place and try anything with him. He agreed (surprisingly) he was standing there on the phone, I got out and grabbed it he looked over at me and put his finger up like for me to hold on a second.. It there were people all around so I mouthed "are you good" and he shook his head yes and I walked back to my car and left.... A few minutes later he text that he was sorry he was on the phone. Why even bother to say that??. I'm sad.. And I'm numb.. I didn't want there to be a reason for me to text him when he gets back if I'm feeling better... And I mentioned yesterday that once he was gone our contact would probably be non existent once he got back... But he will never respond to anything I say about stuff like that.. So I guess tomorrow will be day 1 of the rest of my life? (If only it were that easy.)

 

ZBA

 

I'm sorry your feeling down today.. I wish we could sit together by a bonfire and drink margaritas ❤️

[Chica80]

Sunshine ZBA I'm hanging in there. He had something of mine we used to communicate at one point in time.. Last time we got into an arugrment I told him I should get it back.. And then we were on again for a week or two, and then the major blowup. I told him yesterday it was probably good idea I got it back before he left for the two weeks... Today I asked if he wanted to meet me so I could get it, in a public place so he wouldn't think I was trying to get him in a private place and try anything with him. He agreed (surprisingly) he was standing there on the phone, I got out and grabbed it he looked over at me and put his finger up like for me to hold on a second.. It there were people all around so I mouthed "are you good" and he shook his head yes and I walked back to my car and left.... A few minutes later he text that he was sorry he was on the phone. Why even bother to say that??. I'm sad.. And I'm numb.. I didn't want there to be a reason for me to text him when he gets back if I'm feeling better... And I mentioned yesterday that once he was gone our contact would probably be non existent once he got back... But he will never respond to anything I say about stuff like that.. So I guess tomorrow will be day 1 of the rest of my life? (If only it were that easy.)

 

ZBA

 

I'm sorry your feeling down today.. I wish we could sit together by a bonfire and drink margaritas ❤️

 

Haha ZBA I love this there has to be a way virtual at least

 

LOST He text you so he can keep you hanging on..."we are done but let me test the waters to see where you are" once enough time subsides and guilt wears off he Will be back...stay strong you are not alone. Take this time to start YOUR healing.

Love and Hugs

[ZBA]

Haha ZBA I love this there has to be a way virtual at least

 

Sunshine and LG - ladies, I so wish we could get margaritas together! How fabulous that would be.

 

LG I think you are strong to have walked away like that, rather than waiting for his phone call to end. Do you feel like he was purposely on the call to avoid direct interaction? These two weeks of him being away may really be quite a gift to your healing and mental well-being (I hope!).

 

Sunshine please keep us posted on your LC experience. Nearly everyone says it doesn't work and since they speak from experience, I value their words. But so far you seem to be doing well with it so I'm definitely curious whether you'll continue to prefer it over NC.

[Chica80]

ZBA Ya so far it seems to be going ok....

 

I care about him his well being. This is hurting both of us. I don't want him out of my life. So if the only way is for us to be casual, nothing secret nothing romantic, Than I would rather that then never talk to him.

 

I think something happened, at home. Like maybe she saw something a text or something. He won't tell me what but I get the feeling....Something he said last night.

[Lostgirl186]

Sunshine and LG - ladies, I so wish we could get margaritas together! How fabulous that would be.

 

LG I think you are strong to have walked away like that, rather than waiting for his phone call to end. Do you feel like he was purposely on the call to avoid direct interaction? These two weeks of him being away may really be quite a gift to your healing and mental well-being (I hope!).

 

Sunshine please keep us posted on your LC experience. Nearly everyone says it doesn't work and since they speak from experience, I value their words. But so far you seem to be doing well with it so I'm definitely curious whether you'll continue to prefer it over NC.

 

I don't think he was purposely on the phone- he's a work a Holic and it's not unusual at all for him- and he runs a big portion of the company we work for (luckily not my boss) so him being gone for this amount of time is a big deal, I'm sure he was tying up loose ends.. And he didn't even realize I was walking up behind him when I got there so it looked like he had been on there for a bit. I hope these two weeks help. Since things got really hot and heavy, we've never gone more than one work day without talking in someway..its going to be really difficult.. The first week he's with fam so I know I can't talk to him it should be easier as far as NC.. The second is a business trip out of town- won't be with family so technically I COULD but I don't need to- it will be harder if I don't build up some sort of stamina during the first week. He literally had it made.. I have always been there basically right in front of him as far as contact goes, whether it was a good morning, a funny joke when they were having a busy day, something.. He's never NOT heard from me even after I've blown up (not to the extent of last weeks blowup) I think he just knows I'm always there, and that's why he can say it's time to stop the fooling around so easily. This is the longest I've ever gone where my talking to him has been me in the direction of agreeing with him instead of trying to convince him that he will cave again bc he always does. If you can't beat them, join them I guess?

[Chica80]

So if you dot make contact first....that would be a start? Something different?

 

How is everyone's weekend so far?

[ZBA]

So if you dot make contact first....that would be a start? Something different?

 

How is everyone's weekend so far?

 

Hey guys,

 

Sorry for falling off the thread for a bit. I've been experiencing an emotional rollercoaster and reading LS was triggering me hard.

 

Weekend has been long. There was a big social event that I normally wouldn't miss for anything, but this weekend I just missed the second one since DD and it always hits me really hard.

 

He and I didn't talk all weekend. I did see a good friend yesterday, and while I didn't get into details of why I'm down, I did admit I've hit a low point and she suggested meditation as something that helped her immensely. It's not really my thing but at this point I'm willing to try anything for peace of mind. She said the point is to focus on being present and breathing and relaxing, rather than dwelling on the past (for me, that would be how attached he and I were, and yearning for that again) or worrying about the future (will he just forget me? Will he miss me if I don't reach out? When will the pain subside? etc etc).

 

Anyway, it's calmed me down a tiny bit but I'm still going thru a lot. My gf said benefitting from meditation takes practice. But in general I feel like the aftermath of an A is something that can affect you for life (depending on the nature and length of the A).

 

How about everyone else? Have missed hearing your updates. LG, Sunshine, Rea... all of you.

[Sunshinegirl10]

Crazy week - Lost, ZBA, Sunshine - I've been following silently and you all seem to be doing great. I'm LC here and trying to get stronger to prepare for the inevitable NC - thanks for being here!

[ZBA]

Crazy week - Lost, ZBA, Sunshine - I've been following silently and you all seem to be doing great. I'm LC here and trying to get stronger to prepare for the inevitable NC - thanks for being here!

 

Sunshinegirl! I have thought of you often since reading and replying to your thread. I know I didn't see you post much after that.

 

Can you share an update? How have you been, and what's been going on with your situation these days?

[rumblefish12]

She said the point is to focus on being present and breathing and relaxing, rather than dwelling on the past (for me, that would be how attached he and I were, and yearning for that again) or worrying about the future (will he just forget me? Will he miss me if I don't reach out? When will the pain subside? etc etc). .

 

That's so excellent! I try to meditate regularly and when I get in a groove it really does help. I stop reliving the past and projecting into the future. The things you mentioned are totally what I dwell on. Over and Over, unless I make a sustained effort to stay in the present and remind myself of the reality of the situation. The A offered nothing for me. it was self-destructive and threatened to take everything down around me. Nor was it healthy for her. I need to allow her to move on as well as really letting go myself. Meditation helps.

 

I had a good weekend. We had a couple of extended family functions which were great. That really gets me grounded. It reminds me of who I am and what is important to me. Thinking about you all too.