"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Lostgirl186]

I like that we all have exercise as another commonality, addiction too sure, but at least we have some healthy habits also, lol.....part of me was always wanting to be more into weights, it took me the loss of her and all that time to really focus, and for her to be my motivation for what I do now....I workout 6 days a week, no excuses, and I have to say, I look pretty damn good...lol....she hasn't seen me face to face (full body shot either) and I know she would **** her pants!, lol.....I've dropped 20 lbs and put on 15 pounds of muscle, at 50....yea, there's my silver lining....

 

Now for the mild crappy news.....she caught me today at the light on the way to work, hadn't seen her in months.....sometimes things time out to where we catch each other, she works right down the street from me at another store (one I was going to work at to till things went to ****) she has a sports car that's easy to spot, the color is not common....I turned her on to it because I've always had one as well....I have one too, a rival brand though that I think is better (because it is) and mine is a new version of my old one.....I don't think she knows I traded in my old one for the new one so I can't be sure if she knew it was me or not?....her windows were down a bit and if she had pulled beside me I was really going to roll my down and say something, and again, we haven't even talked to each other in 6 months....some text but that it, nothing in the last 2 since its been full NC.....my heart was racing, mouth kinda dry, adrenaline running (I'm sure we've all felt it!)....addiction???, oh yea, no doubt.....but the light turned, she was in the other lane and got out front, never got beside her and then she turned into the complex on the way to the garage.....

 

So my rant, if I can is.....part of all this is bull****.....I really hate feeling like that, like I'm in high school again and I can't talk to my X because of bla, bla, bla.....it's so stupid and childish, something she had the audacity to call me at the end which was stupid too because SHE was the one acting like that.

 

And then yes, like all of you I got the, "does she even care?", "did she really love me?", "does she miss me like I do her?, the conversations, holding her hand, running my fingers through her hair?....the sex that was perfect??"......all that spills around in my head, fueled by the chemicals dissipating in my brain till it leaves a residue on my whole day.......

 

So.....hang in there ( speaking to myself also)......there will be moments that you can't control......

 

And no, I didn't text, call, honk or do anything except just drive on to work......

 

Nothing can be something a lot of times

 

 

Im giving you a virtual air five right now for not caving, for KNOWING you have bettered yourself since her and that she would flip out if she saw you now, and for not thinking about ramming her sports car (hey we've all thought it at least once).

[Poppy47]

Im giving you a virtual air five right now for not caving, for KNOWING you have bettered yourself since her and that she would flip out if she saw you now, and for not thinking about ramming her sports car (hey we've all thought it at least once).

 

I thought about scratching his precious car with a coin and then casually walking away!!! So funny and so stupid.

 

Poppy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

And then yes, like all of you I got the, "does she even care?", "did she really love me?", "does she miss me like I do her?, the conversations, holding her hand, running my fingers through her hair?....the sex that was perfect??"......all that spills around in my head, fueled by the chemicals dissipating in my brain till it leaves a residue on my whole day.......

 

So.....hang in there ( speaking to myself also)......there will be moments that you can't control......

 

And no, I didn't text, call, honk or do anything except just drive on to work......

 

Nothing can be something a lot of times

 

I'm pretty sure you are married, like me and rumblefish. My question is, what if this doesn't go away, what if we carry a torch for years. Are we doing the right thing, staying married to someone while we crave another?

 

In my situation, I told him so he knows it and its out there that it may end one day. It's terrible. I wish these feelings would just go away.

 

I used to watch True Blood and there was a scene where this guy asked to be mind-erased, I forget the term, glamoured I think, because he was just in love with this vamp who did not love him. And they did it, and he forgot he ever knew her. I want that. He's off with his W. I want escape. I just wish I could forget it all ever happened.

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, yes, I am married with kids, and I don't have an easy answer to that question.....like Rumble, there was no DDay for me, so it's a secret that goes nowhere except in the recesses of my mind.....if my W were to know, I couldn't tell you what the outcome would be....so unlike you (impressed with your openness) that part of the equation is unknown......yes it sucks to be at such mercy to have yourself react like that about someone else, but unless I start world war three and scorch the earth it has to stay just like this.

 

Lost, *smack!* right back at you.....I wouldn't have rammed her because mine A) is months newer, and B) the better of the 2 American muscle car rivals (hint: bow tie )

 

Poppy, couldn't tell you that I didn't think about keying her car too when she got it....I didn't, but I thought about it, lol.....

[pooldog]

I have one little insight. As I do understand the "perfect love, deep emotional connection." Well I am not with one right now as you two are. But I understand the love that you experienced and I empathize with "being with one who is not the same as the AP" and I have a thought that probably applies to many of us. See if you feel the same way.

 

I lost my XH to cancer so I have a different perspective on life - like don't waste it. That is the reason I held my MM to the same expectations as a boyfriend - you only get so much of my time to propose, or you are out, like any boyfriend. If his marriage is in the klink and he wants me, he has to make it happen, or not, because that is the premise on how we started but he could not deliver so we are done and NC and I am going on some dates again and revamping my social life.

 

My thoughts....

We are capable of many different loves in our lives. Most of us only have "good enough" which is quite good. Many do not even have that. So it is lucky to be "good enough". Most would be happy forever with good enough. But once in a while, an exceptional chemistry and love comes along for a select few. We would never have had an affair if we did not have this attraction and connection and chemistry. We were lucky to have it at all and we cannot control "timing" which obviously is the biggest issue because you are both not free at the same time in your lives. If he stayed with his wife it might mean that he is the better man unless of course she is really bad - that is what I see here - they only leave if the current wife has really insane problems as a partner.

 

So you have to cherish what you have right now.

 

I can tell you, I was married unhappily with less than good enough because my dear deceased xh grew up in a bad home and he was not capable of enough, so we divorced and then my exh passed away from cancer. It was excruciating to watch my son lose him at an early age. I have been dating for over a decade for the one while I raised my child and have not been that lucky because I date for two so I am picky. It is not easy to even find "good enough" so consider yourself lucky. Look around and see many who do not have what you have.

 

Tuck the memories of AP safely away and pursue your life with a passion. It makes it easier for AP to fade safely away. Mind erased would be bliss but I believe that filling yourself and pursuing your life will make you whole and happy again.

 

I'm pretty sure you are married, like me and rumblefish. My question is, what if this doesn't go away, what if we carry a torch for years. Are we doing the right thing, staying married to someone while we crave another?

 

In my situation, I told him so he knows it and its out there that it may end one day. It's terrible. I wish these feelings would just go away.

 

I used to watch True Blood and there was a scene where this guy asked to be mind-erased, I forget the term, glamoured I think, because he was just in love with this vamp who did not love him. And they did it, and he forgot he ever knew her. I want that. He's off with his W. I want escape. I just wish I could forget it all ever happened.

[Outofmysystem]

Pooldog, great thoughts.....in my last email to my AP I told her how lucky I was to have meet her and have her in my life, that I wouldn't change a thing because she was and is special.....I mean your right, you couldn't love someone in this kind of relationship without it being more than "good enough", to me at the time she was exceptional.....that speaks more to her character and the type of person she is and not so much her behavior....

[ZBA]

It's funny because I tend to think the same thing -- she's forgotten all about me; she's decided she never loved me anyway; she's moved on completely; she's wondering what did I see in him; etc -- It's such a game of projection.

 

You should know that I too try to put on a brave/happy face. Also, as far as she knows, I don't think about her at all. She has NO way to gauge that I'm thinking about her. I disappeared off social media entirely, so it must be much more like a death from her perspective. With that said, I think about her, I care about her, and I really miss her.

RUMBLE...I, too, needed to read this. It's strange bc my MM has said as much himself - that he's going thru the same exact feelings, it's just as hard for him, he still wants to see me, talk to me, etc etc etc. But then he's able to not talk or reach out for longer than me and I sulk thinking it's just so EASY for him to just turn it all off, isn't it?! I even told him that and he said it's not the case at all, even though he doesn't express it like me. I guess hearing you say it from your perspective is at least a tiny bit reassuring.

 

I see him and I really want to say. I miss you! I wish we could spend time together. I want to know what happened, last week?

 

But instead I smile. Talk only about work...

And it kills me!!! You tease and joke and I wish I could see that look that says you miss me that you're not eating and you're not sleeping..... (and now I'm crying)

SUNSHINECHICA! You made it thru a whole day of having to see him for work. I just want to seriously applaud you! My heart aches for you hearing about those signs you WANT to see in his expression... but ultimately, you never do because he's probably wearing the same mask that you are. I'm sorry you had to see him and go thru all this, but you stayed strong.

 

The good thing about LC is it really does sort of fade over the months. There's been no physical contact at all since it ended and slowly it's getting to that point where I could not really imagine anything . At the same time though, I still have feelings. It's bizarre and I don't understand it at all.

MIDNIGHT, I kind of know your story. I remember you from Lemondrop's thread (read that one from start to finish during some of my deepest pain). I am also married like you (as is my AP). LC for me has not led to anything fading on my end, unfortunately. But NC made me so much worse. I would talk to him more if I could, truth be told. And yes, I still have feelings just as strong as ever.

 

So my rant, if I can is.....part of all this is bull****.....I really hate feeling like that, like I'm in high school again and I can't talk to my X because of bla, bla, bla.....it's so stupid and childish, something she had the audacity to call me at the end which was stupid too because SHE was the one acting like that.

 

And then yes, like all of you I got the, "does she even care?", "did she really love me?", "does she miss me like I do her?, the conversations, holding her hand, running my fingers through her hair?....the sex that was perfect??"......all that spills around in my head, fueled by the chemicals dissipating in my brain till it leaves a residue on my whole day.......

 

So.....hang in there ( speaking to myself also)......there will be moments that you can't control......

 

And no, I didn't text, call, honk or do anything except just drive on to work......

 

Nothing can be something a lot of times

Oh dear god, OUT, how the hell did you manage to not cave?! I would have had to pull over. I think you are my hero. To see the object of so much intense emotion, just right THERE, SO closeby... oh man. And to know they're right within arm's reach but yet having to keep on driving like strangers... it's all so sad when you think about it, isn't it? Sorry, having a bit of a sappy moment and the mental image of that really got me in the feels.

 

And the part you wrote about the thoughts that ran through your head... ugh... can relate to each and every one. You described my thoughts so perfectly - and when those moments come, they're so strong and unshakable, right?!

 

My question is, what if this doesn't go away, what if we carry a torch for years. Are we doing the right thing, staying married to someone while we crave another?

 

.....

 

I used to watch True Blood and there was a scene where this guy asked to be mind-erased, I forget the term, glamoured I think, because he was just in love with this vamp who did not love him. And they did it, and he forgot he ever knew her. I want that. He's off with his W. I want escape. I just wish I could forget it all ever happened.

 

I do believe if you've been in a LTA, there will be some sort of torch carried forever. I just don't think you can come out of a situation like that unchanged in some enormous way. It's part of your story, like it or not.

 

Your True Blood reference made me laugh. For me, I want the gimmick they use in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. Just wipe the damn person from memory altogether. Wouldn't that be nice?

Edited July 12, 2016 by ZBA

[Chica80]

I'm pretty sure you are married, like me and rumblefish. My question is, what if this doesn't go away, what if we carry a torch for years. Are we doing the right thing, staying married to someone while we crave another?

 

In my situation, I told him so he knows it and its out there that it may end one day. It's terrible. I wish these feelings would just go away.

 

I used to watch True Blood and there was a scene where this guy asked to be mind-erased, I forget the term, glamoured I think, because he was just in love with this vamp who did not love him. And they did it, and he forgot he ever knew her. I want that. He's off with his W. I want escape. I just wish I could forget it all ever happened.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking!! "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" anyone ever see it....They both get their mind erased to forget eachother because it's too painful.

 

I feel the same, the push pull...Yes the right thing to move on. To do what's right for all involved. But will this feeling go away? It's like saying he can just be replaced by anyone else....not so...

[Chica80]

I have one little insight. As I do understand the "perfect love, deep emotional connection." Well I am not with one right now as you two are. But I understand the love that you experienced and I empathize with "being with one who is not the same as the AP" and I have a thought that probably applies to many of us. See if you feel the same way.

 

I lost my XH to cancer so I have a different perspective on life - like don't waste it. That is the reason I held my MM to the same expectations as a boyfriend - you only get so much of my time to propose, or you are out, like any boyfriend. If his marriage is in the klink and he wants me, he has to make it happen, or not, because that is the premise on how we started but he could not deliver so we are done and NC and I am going on some dates again and revamping my social life.

 

My thoughts....

We are capable of many different loves in our lives. Most of us only have "good enough" which is quite good. Many do not even have that. So it is lucky to be "good enough". Most would be happy forever with good enough. But once in a while, an exceptional chemistry and love comes along for a select few. We would never have had an affair if we did not have this attraction and connection and chemistry. We were lucky to have it at all and we cannot control "timing" which obviously is the biggest issue because you are both not free at the same time in your lives. If he stayed with his wife it might mean that he is the better man unless of course she is really bad - that is what I see here - they only leave if the current wife has really insane problems as a partner.

 

So you have to cherish what you have right now.

 

I can tell you, I was married unhappily with less than good enough because my dear deceased xh grew up in a bad home and he was not capable of enough, so we divorced and then my exh passed away from cancer. It was excruciating to watch my son lose him at an early age. I have been dating for over a decade for the one while I raised my child and have not been that lucky because I date for two so I am picky. It is not easy to even find "good enough" so consider yourself lucky. Look around and see many who do not have what you have.

 

Tuck the memories of AP safely away and pursue your life with a passion. It makes it easier for AP to fade safely away. Mind erased would be bliss but I believe that filling yourself and pursuing your life will make you whole and happy again.

 

Your post made me want to cry....I remember having this conversation w AP...exact words...."good enough" I know what good enough is like.

 

Yes happy enough, life is "good enough" but I want so much more than that!!!

 

It's not I'm ungrateful. I have a happy life. A good job, happy healthy kids, family and good friends. But when it comes to love the person I want to share my life with... I don't want "good enough"

[Chica80]

ZBA

 

Don't give me so much credit. We talked today after work.....Nothing happened. But basically in that moment it's like I don't care, forget everything I said before I just want to be with you!!! And it hurts.

 

Stages of grief....bargaining.

 

I'm feeling pretty down tonight......(I feel so crazy sometimes with the up down emotions) We come on here we post we understand eachother...... I think we have a lot in common, hence why this thread has been helpful...We are so hurt we miss our AP we grieve, we pine sometimes.... The obsessive thoughts and actions things that don't make sense.

 

I was reading this old post from a BS married 35 yrs.... husband had affair for 15 yrs.... 15!!! It seems they reconciled. He ended it worked on marriage. AP out meant nothing just cut off. Here we are hurting.....wondering do they even think about us or care about us. RUMBLE you said that your AP prob thinks that of you, But here you are you still hurt you still have pain. (You are doing awesome btw, getting better) But everyone loses.... Right! MOW, MOM, BS.....everyone!!! NO one is left unscathed in this madness. People talk about rewriting history in an A. So truth what is truth anyway? What you convince yourself of in that moment so you can get through the day. Whether is trying to justify your affair. Or working on your marriage....

Does someone always have to be the villain so you can do what your doing?

 

Don't even know if any of this makes sense? Just writing stuff out....so down....

Edited July 12, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[rumblefish12]

But everyone loses.... Right! MOW, MOM, BS.....everyone!!! NO one is left unscathed in this madness. People talk about rewriting history in an A. So truth what is truth anyway? What you convince yourself of in that moment so you can get through the day. Whether is trying to justify your affair. Or working on your marriage....

Does someone always have to be the villain so you can do what your doing?

 

Sunshinechica -- it makes total sense. SO last night i'm walking the dog with my BS and we come out of our subdivision onto the slightly more busy road. Guess who I see come over the hill? XAP. And yesterday was really hard and I just didn't want to see her, so I looked at my feet as she drove by. I wasn't gaming her; I was just flooded with emotion. So then we are walking back and crossing the same street and boom, there she is coming back from the other direction probably 15 minutes later. ****! I did the same thing, looked at my feet. As she drove by she gunned her engine.

 

Okay, so then my BS and dog and I turn into our subdivision and are walking down a not very busy road, moments later, and guess who pulls up along side of us? With window down and just glaring at me. She didn't stop, but as she rolled by she vaguely put her hand up and out to wave. Fortunately it was not enough that my wife noticed ... or the dog. But I must have pissed her off by not looking at her. I didn't mean to and I wish I could tell her that, but wtf -- it has been almost 4 months. Ugh!

 

I wanted to yell, "I'm sorry! It still ****ing hurts! I can't look at you!"

 

Sunshinechica -- there's so much pain to go around. I don't know if my feelings will ever completely go away. I know they'll subside, in time -- How long? IDK. A year? two years? Who knows.

 

About that discussion of whether I'm settling for my BS if I still have those feelings. I love my BS. My XAP used to say, "You're not happy! You couldn't be happy at home or else you wouldn't do this!" My take has always been the A is a reflection of me and my shortcomings, not my BS. She never did anything to deserve this. I want to work on my marriage. I love my BS. I miss my XAP and I will for a long time to come. But I know this is the right thing in the big picture.

 

And sunshinechica, you're right we just try to convince ourselves and that's all we can do. And I agree that I wish there were no villains. I'm pretty sure my XAP sees me as a villain. There's nothing I can do though because breaking NC and letting her know how I feel just opens all the wounds up again. I'm trying to do the right thing and if i have to be the ******* so be it. I'm grateful I met her and knew her and at the same time really grateful I didn't have a DDay (not yet at least). One day at a time. I love this thread.

Edited July 12, 2016 by rumblefish12

[Chica80]

RUMBLE

 

Wow! I'm so sorry that happened. How are you dealing today?

 

I totally agree about the not happy at home.....I think this is an instance where men and women totally think different. I used to think the same way. How can you say you love someone or be "happy and cheat"?

 

Not so much anymore, but I totally agree, The A is a reflection of my own issues my own internal battles. I think that's why I'm so attached to him. He's like a reflection of me. We think "soulmates" but no its a match to the unhealthy hurt parts that are inside of you. At least that's what I think. The parts you want to heal to make better.

 

When my BS and I were in the "good cycle" I never would have thought of cheating. That's why its hard to understand that concept. How can you say your happy and love your spouse and cheat (woman perspective) For many years through the ups downs even bad cycles. A couple years ago there was someone interested in me he was MM as well. (Seriously I'm a magnet I think) he came onto me wanted to engage. Not going to lie I was tempted (down cycle). But I said NO I love my husband I can't do that to him. I can't do that to your wife.

 

With AP it was different. Why him and not the other. Because it's him there is something about him. It's why I couldn't lie to my BS anymore why I told him the truth. Why I couldn't and didn't want to work on things anymore. This is not rewriting history. There were points in the beginning of my marriage when we were dating "signs" if you will. I ignored them. I felt I had worked on the marriage I went to counseling IC and MC several times. I always made the effort. Worked on myself worked for us. It was just never enough...But even the "good times" just felt "good enough".

Don't know guess it's something I have to still work on and deal with.

[Chica80]

Also can I add, my AP was engaged he was not married yet when we started. So yes that's been something that's been really hard to understand. You're not even married yet! How can you start out a marriage this way?

He said he loved her. SO that I couldn't comprehend.

 

It was not a long engagement. We had a A for five months before he got married. When he first came back. We had stopped ended things (physical at least we still talked text "friends"). After a couple months the PA started again.

They just had one year anniversary.....

 

It's deceitful, and I'm a part of that deceit.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Also can I add, my AP was engaged he was not married yet when we started. So yes that's been something that's been really hard to understand. You're not even married yet! How can you start out a marriage this way?

He said he loved her. SO that I couldn't comprehend.

 

It was not a long engagement. We had a A for five months before he got married. When he first came back. We had stopped ended things (physical at least we still talked text "friends"). After a couple months the PA started again.

They just had one year anniversary.....

 

It's deceitful, and I'm a part of that deceit.

 

I think that is worse, being engaged, its like you have no excuse (not you, the engaged person) as you can just break it off. I had met a guy once who did not tell me he was engaged. He was divorced and worse, my old boss had introduced us, knowing he was engaged. Everyone knew but me. We hooked up and he would text me to get together for dinner. Finally someone told me and I confronted him. He admitted it - it was the first woman he had met after his divorce and he felt he had no way out but to marry her. His way of coping was to cheat on her because he did not love her. I said - you have destroyed my last remaining hope in humankind, you are truly despicable.

 

I don't normally give advice here as I am not a hypocrite but that guy you are involved with, ugh, you deserve better.

[Lostgirl186]

Sunshinechica -- it makes total sense. SO last night i'm walking the dog with my BS and we come out of our subdivision onto the slightly more busy road. Guess who I see come over the hill? XAP. And yesterday was really hard and I just didn't want to see her, so I looked at my feet as she drove by. I wasn't gaming her; I was just flooded with emotion. So then we are walking back and crossing the same street and boom, there she is coming back from the other direction probably 15 minutes later. ****! I did the same thing, looked at my feet. As she drove by she gunned her engine.

 

Okay, so then my BS and dog and I turn into our subdivision and are walking down a not very busy road, moments later, and guess who pulls up along side of us? With window down and just glaring at me. She didn't stop, but as she rolled by she vaguely put her hand up and out to wave. Fortunately it was not enough that my wife noticed ... or the dog. But I must have pissed her off by not looking at her. I didn't mean to and I wish I could tell her that, but wtf -- it has been almost 4 months. Ugh!

 

I wanted to yell, "I'm sorry! It still ****ing hurts! I can't look at you!"

 

Sunshinechica -- there's so much pain to go around. I don't know if my feelings will ever completely go away. I know they'll subside, in time -- How long? IDK. A year? two years? Who knows.

 

About that discussion of whether I'm settling for my BS if I still have those feelings. I love my BS. My XAP used to say, "You're not happy! You couldn't be happy at home or else you wouldn't do this!" My take has always been the A is a reflection of me and my shortcomings, not my BS. She never did anything to deserve this. I want to work on my marriage. I love my BS. I miss my XAP and I will for a long time to come. But I know this is the right thing in the big picture.

 

And sunshinechica, you're right we just try to convince ourselves and that's all we can do. And I agree that I wish there were no villains. I'm pretty sure my XAP sees me as a villain. There's nothing I can do though because breaking NC and letting her know how I feel just opens all the wounds up again. I'm trying to do the right thing and if i have to be the ******* so be it. I'm grateful I met her and knew her and at the same time really grateful I didn't have a DDay (not yet at least). One day at a time. I love this thread.

 

 

Wow. That's intense. It's like she wanted your wife to notice her. During sports seasons and school seasons, I run into the happy couple a lot. I try to act my normal self (or the happy outgoing person the rest of the world thinks I am) and he and I do not even speak as coworkers in public. Funny thing is, before any flirting or anything physical started and we would see them out, AP would always come up and talk to H bc they went to HS together- didn't run in the same circles or anything though. Now not so much as a wave in public, although he speaks to my little one if we ever pass each other or anything in a public place (we also worked out of the same building for a few years, flirting started there... Nothing physical happened until I relocated) my point is, I'm terrified of his wife finding out, because I care about him as stupid as that sounds and I don't want to ruin his kids lives... So I couldn't imagine doing anything like that to draw attention to myself.. Mind blowing.

 

On another note, I am having some serious withdrawal symptoms today.. I feel like I'm trapped in my skin and I can't break out.. I'm irritable as can be.. Maybe it's seeing photos pop up on social media at how "happy" they are on this trip that's killing me.. Maybe it's the fact I can't talk to him and I know that he is probably relieved. I need you all to come smack me back to reality now please :-(

[Chica80]

LOST

 

You don't need a slap! but maybe stop looking at social media? Your hurting yourself, why?

 

I can totally understand the need to feel you want to "protect him" you don't want him to be hurt or his life turned upside down...but your life is turned upside down. And you are in pain.....so sorry

[rumblefish12]

it was intense, but that's pretty typical of XAP. For instance, her son is in my daughters gradeschool class. My daughter was talking about people from the neighborhood on her bus and I hear her mention this boys name. Then she says to my BS, "Yeah, I think you know his mom. He said she worked with you before or something." OMG. Fortunately my BS just blew it off like "huh."

 

I know my XAP and I think that drive by was just to let me know she wouldn't be ignored. She doesn't really want a DDay because she knows my BS would show up on her doorstep. She doesn't want that. And she probably doesn't want to queer the chance that things could start up again. I'm not feeding myself egokibble here; I know that's how she thinks -- keeping options open.

 

LG - I've been there. The crawling out of skin thing. It feels like a panic attack. Breathe. You can get through this. I'll also mention that A LOT of people are helped with anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds WITH IC to get through this. But you'll get there. I'm not an advocate of LC and I think that perpetuates the pain. I understand each circumstance is unique, but you'd be really well served to not look at social media. Think of it as self preservation. Love YOURSELF enough to not subject yourself to that.

 

Wow. That's intense. It's like she wanted your wife to notice her.

 

On another note, I am having some serious withdrawal symptoms today.. I feel like I'm trapped in my skin and I can't break out..

[Lostgirl186]

LOST

 

You don't need a slap! but maybe stop looking at social media? Your hurting yourself, why?

 

I can totally understand the need to feel you want to "protect him" you don't want him to be hurt or his life turned upside down...but your life is turned upside down. And you are in pain.....so sorry

 

I need to seriously unfollow her.. I just can't bring myself to click it..i just wish I could get out of this frame of mind of "if I will disappear he will just forget me." Ideally that's what we want, right? But still scary as hell when your hung up with inappropriate feelings you have for someone who doesn't reciprocate. I am so angry that he's nonchalant or in denial about what this has been, and I miss him at the same time. Maybe it's him being completely emotionless that kills me? I think Rumblefish stated in an post a few days ago that most men, unless they are sociopathic, do feel something when away from AP... Well I may have found the sociopathic one of the group lol.

 

Ok so we are all issuing physical fitness as an outlet.. Some of us tattooing.. Some meditation (I would like to know more about this )... Anyone using other ways to cope?

[Chica80]

IC!!! Can't stress that enough. It's a safe place to reflect get feedback..

 

Antidepressants. I've been on them for a couple years even before A. But have had to up my dose.

 

Trying to be present in the moment with my kids get out do stuff.

 

Be w friends... I'm pretty social by nature so being around people...

 

Excercise doing things I love. Reading, Paint (I'm not great and haven't done it in a while) but it's therapeutic.

[ZBA]

ZBA

Stages of grief....bargaining.

Going thru this stage myself right now. It's up and down. And sometimes I backslide into the previous stages, so trust me SUNSHINECHICA, I understand you.

I was reading this old post from a BS married 35 yrs.... husband had affair for 15 yrs.... 15!!! It seems they reconciled. He ended it worked on marriage. AP out meant nothing just cut off. Here we are hurting.....wondering do they even think about us or care about us.

...

But everyone loses.... Right! MOW, MOM, BS.....everyone!!! NO one is left unscathed in this madness. People talk about rewriting history in an A. So truth what is truth anyway? What you convince yourself of in that moment so you can get through the day. Whether is trying to justify your affair. Or working on your marriage....

Does someone always have to be the villain so you can do what your doing?

That's crazy that a 15 year affair just ended cold turkey! It sounds like you read the story from the BS's perspective so who truly knows what kind of contact may have really been going on behind the scenes. If the MM really DID end things outright to work on the marriage, it's truly commendable for the sake of the marriage, and shows how heartfelt his regret must have been! Maybe once he was truly confronted with what he could lose, he forced himself to let go in an instant.

 

Either way, you and I, having been on the wrong side of an A, understand the grief of feeling forgotten. When someone lets you go to work on or focus on their marriage, you can't be mad at them for doing the right thing—it's only right—but it still hurts. "Did he ever love me?" "Why is it so easy for him?" "I just want to experience ____ with him/her again" etc etc... but yes what you said is true. Everyone always loses. Someone is always being either demonized or sacrificed to make the A work or the M work. And I don't doubt that the truth gets revised and rewritten in order for people to move forward one way or the other. The mind is a POWERFUL thing.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I need to seriously unfollow her.. I just can't bring myself to click it..i just wish I could get out of this frame of mind of "if I will disappear he will just forget me." Ideally that's what we want, right? But still scary as hell when your hung up with inappropriate feelings you have for someone who doesn't reciprocate. I am so angry that he's nonchalant or in denial about what this has been, and I miss him at the same time. Maybe it's him being completely emotionless that kills me? I think Rumblefish stated in an post a few days ago that most men, unless they are sociopathic, do feel something when away from AP... Well I may have found the sociopathic one of the group lol.

 

Ok so we are all issuing physical fitness as an outlet.. Some of us tattooing.. Some meditation (I would like to know more about this )... Anyone using other ways to cope?

 

I started taking St. John's Wort in May. It is an herbal antidepressant and supposedly suppresses the part of the brain that makes you obsess. One day I did not take it and I saw a guy who resembled xMM and I had a sort of panic attack out my family. It seems to help me. I have taken Lexapro but it made me fat and my H said it changed my personality into a numb creature. He hated it.

 

I also work a lot - I have my own business so I can work endlessly. Then there is therapeutic cleaning. Kitchen, laundry, its endless here. Shows help, movies. I have a problem with reading as I cannot focus. My mind drifts. I also like wine. I know some people say alcohol is bad, for me wine calms me. I stay away from anything hard. Tea is calming too. In fact, diet overall helps. We gave up flour and sugar here a year ago and it's made a difference. Eating like crap, feeling like crap only makes it all worse.

 

And sleep helps.

 

As for your post, yes, xMM was completely visibly fine for 5 months and it killed me. Then he said he was pretending and for 6 weeks he was all I love yous and hey baby, and at first I was so happy, but then I realized I felt bad with that as well. So he stopped that. Now he wants to be friends. I don't know. There is a direct correlation between contact with him and my mood. The more I talk to him, the worse I feel.

[MidnightBlue1980]

it was intense, but that's pretty typical of XAP. For instance, her son is in my daughters gradeschool class. My daughter was talking about people from the neighborhood on her bus and I hear her mention this boys name. Then she says to my BS, "Yeah, I think you know his mom. He said she worked with you before or something." OMG. Fortunately my BS just blew it off like "huh."

 

I know my XAP and I think that drive by was just to let me know she wouldn't be ignored. She doesn't really want a DDay because she knows my BS would show up on her doorstep. She doesn't want that. And she probably doesn't want to queer the chance that things could start up again. I'm not feeding myself egokibble here; I know that's how she thinks -- keeping options open.

 

 

It's interesting. If someone drove by my house, it would freak me out and I would think end any option. I don't even go to the same town as where xMM lives. She does know though, so its different. I could not imagine doing a drive by. I do however send a ton of texts if I feel I am being ignored.

 

Is your XAP single or married?

[rumblefish12]

Is your XAP single or married?

 

She's married with 3 kids and lives about a mile from me.

[Chica80]

I think that is worse, being engaged, its like you have no excuse (not you, the engaged person) as you can just break it off.

 

I don't normally give advice here as I am not a hypocrite but that guy you are involved with, ugh, you deserve better.

 

 

Yes I know....it's easier said than done.. .I guess I can justify a lil. At least in the beginning he wasn't married yet.

 

He has never future faked or said I love you. He never talks bad about his wife. He has never said why....there is no answer why.

 

They had been together 5 6 yrs. They got engaged when she moved in with him (I guess that was the contingency, not sure). He said he loved her his family loved her.

 

He couldn't let his family down. Hurt everyone. He wanted to be married. "It's not like you would be able to get married in the next year"

 

He said his family would never accept me. Because I would be divorced with two kids. (We are from diff cultures).

 

So I try to bargain....I say I just want him to be a part of my life even without the (romantic component)

 

So I get that part the family, the reputation the hurting someone you love that you made a comittment to. Family is a huge deal to me too... (cultural as well) So I stay because I feel in a sense we need eachother...and I'm split..... between that and all the things that make it not right.

[MidnightBlue1980]

She's married with 3 kids and lives about a mile from me.

 

That has got to be torture. You must see her all the time or at least worry about seeing her.

 

Is it tough to pretend at home? In my situation xMM told his wife a bunch of partial truths, only because my husband decided it was time for her to know, but she is in the dark about a lot of it. He's told me he lies in marriage counseling. I'm probably too honest, I actually am going to start pretending a bit as it's caused a lot of fights.