"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Outofmysystem]

Mmmm.....something seems to be unsettling around here because of the coincidences, sort of....

 

Rumble, that is a close call....believe me, I knew how you felt....when her H would come up to work, or my W it would be all kinds of weird....its both worlds colliding and not in a good way....I feel you brother!

 

speaking of weirdness, coincidences.....I caught xMOW again this morning on the way in to work....yea, 2 days in a row.....not the first time but its been quite awhile and again, I don't know if she knows my new car or not....we have a 25 mile commute in and I was right with her most of the way in, though behind her so she never could really see in (my windows are tinted dark)....had some of the same reaction (typical) but not as bad as yesterday since I just saw her. Still didn't do anything except drive with her till she got out in front towards the end of the trip (she drives aggressively, lol)

 

But I can tell you its getting harder to resist the urges.....then I check her FB status (yea I know) and she has changed her name to her maiden name and blocked her H from her friends list....they've been real rocky for the last 6 months....so now ( yea I know again) my curiosity is peaked to say the least....

 

That said, I'm about to do a workout and try and clear my brain.....good luck everyone, the struggle....is real.

[Poppy47]

Mmmm.....something seems to be unsettling around here because of the coincidences, sort of....

 

Rumble, that is a close call....believe me, I knew how you felt....when her H would come up to work, or my W it would be all kinds of weird....its both worlds colliding and not in a good way....I feel you brother!

 

speaking of weirdness, coincidences.....I caught xMOW again this morning on the way in to work....yea, 2 days in a row.....not the first time but its been quite awhile and again, I don't know if she knows my new car or not....we have a 25 mile commute in and I was right with her most of the way in, though behind her so she never could really see in (my windows are tinted dark)....had some of the same reaction (typical) but not as bad as yesterday since I just saw her. Still didn't do anything except drive with her till she got out in front towards the end of the trip (she drives aggressively, lol)

 

But I can tell you its getting harder to resist the urges.....then I check her FB status (yea I know) and she has changed her name to her maiden name and blocked her H from her friends list....they've been real rocky for the last 6 months....so now ( yea I know again) my curiosity is peaked to say the least....

 

That said, I'm about to do a workout and try and clear my brain.....good luck everyone, the struggle....is real.

 

I am also about to go to the gym.

I think you are dangerously close to contacting her again. Curisoity killed the cat, you know.

Stay away from social media... it will get you sucked back in,

 

Poppy

[Chica80]

Mmmm.....something seems to be unsettling around here because of the coincidences, sort of....

 

Rumble, that is a close call....believe me, I knew how you felt....when her H would come up to work, or my W it would be all kinds of weird....its both worlds colliding and not in a good way....I feel you brother!

 

speaking of weirdness, coincidences.....I caught xMOW again this morning on the way in to work....yea, 2 days in a row.....not the first time but its been quite awhile and again, I don't know if she knows my new car or not....we have a 25 mile commute in and I was right with her most of the way in, though behind her so she never could really see in (my windows are tinted dark)....had some of the same reaction (typical) but not as bad as yesterday since I just saw her. Still didn't do anything except drive with her till she got out in front towards the end of the trip (she drives aggressively, lol)

 

But I can tell you its getting harder to resist the urges.....then I check her FB status (yea I know) and she has changed her name to her maiden name and blocked her H from her friends list....they've been real rocky for the last 6 months....so now ( yea I know again) my curiosity is peaked to say the least....

 

That said, I'm about to do a workout and try and clear my brain.....good luck everyone, the struggle....is real.

 

OUT This sounds all highly suspicious....two days in a row....

[rumblefish12]

Mmmm.....something seems to be unsettling around here because of the coincidences, sort of....

 

yea, 2 days in a row.....

 

Okay, it is getting really weird now. Two days in a row? Me too! I went out and took the dog for a short walk with BS. I ate too much and wanted to stretch my legs, so I went for a bike ride after our walk. I turn out of the subdivision, and not far from where I first saw her drive by last night .... boom. There she is. it get's worse -- she's walking with her Hub! Holy ****. I looked down, huffing and puffing pedaling, and shortly before I got to them, I looked up and nodded at him, just as I would to any strangers I'm passing on a deserted country road.

 

I'm sure it was my paranoia, but he seemed like he had an opinion about me. IDK. She kind of cowered behind him. I didn't linger, I looked up, looked down and kept on cranking.

 

I took a long way around to get back to my house without seeing them. I run upstairs to shower and I can see out the front window and I see them walk by my house! He's just chugging along oblivious, she's a couple steps behind and staring at my house.

 

Outofmysystem -- something freaky is going on. Thank god for Poppy. Poppy is right. Let it pass. Argh!!!

Edited July 13, 2016 by rumblefish12

[Outofmysystem]

Poppy, thanks....haven't done anything to break NC, but I hear ya

 

Chika, it's happened before, not in awhile but it has happened because I work right down the street from her anyway....so chances are I am going to run into her, in fact I'm surprised that we haven't more often.

 

Rumble, uh yea, that's weird also however, like me you have her close by, actually closer living wise to you than her to me (mine is 20 miles away, home).....again, I feel you man.....having them so close to your space is difficult, it's getting hard to stuff the memories and urges.....although so far we have passed the test.

[ZBA]

Okay, so then my BS and dog and I turn into our subdivision and are walking down a not very busy road, moments later, and guess who pulls up along side of us? With window down and just glaring at me. She didn't stop, but as she rolled by she vaguely put her hand up and out to wave. Fortunately it was not enough that my wife noticed ... or the dog. But I must have pissed her off by not looking at her. I didn't mean to and I wish I could tell her that, but wtf -- it has been almost 4 months. Ugh!

 

I wanted to yell, "I'm sorry! It still ****ing hurts! I can't look at you!"

 

 

speaking of weirdness, coincidences.....I caught xMOW again this morning on the way in to work....yea, 2 days in a row.....

...

But I can tell you its getting harder to resist the urges.....then I check her FB status (yea I know) and she has changed her name to her maiden name and blocked her H from her friends list....they've been real rocky for the last 6 months....so now ( yea I know again) my curiosity is peaked to say the least....

 

RUMBLE and OUT ... damn, you guys! Something is in the air! That's gotta trigger you so hard to have these kinds of encounters! I mean, sure, there's always the possibility due to your close vicinity to home or work, but it's still got to be crazy jarring.

 

RUMBLE, I agree that in your case, she seemed to be aggressive and WANTING to be seen/acknowledged. And especially with her seeing you walking the dog and driving back and forth numerous times... she knew you'd still be on that general path. Passing by again was very intentional, I believe. It almost seems like she was trying to taunt you out of NC.

 

OUT, social media is surely the worst, no?!! Endless rabbit hole. Once you look it's so easy to delve into thoughts and memories. So impressed you avoided reaching out. I admittedly look at MM's social media more than I should. We are no longer FB friends but we have so many mutual friends that tagged things still show up in my feed all the time. Side note, your description sounds like her rocky marriage got even worse.

 

My day was okay. Kept busy ALL day. Met a friend who's visiting from overseas for bfast, then worked all day, then gym, and after dinner at home I met another friend for a glass of wine. I just needed to keep my mind occupied badly. Both friends I saw are mutual friends with MM (I'm closer with them than he is) so the reminder is always there. That's the hard part in my situation. I'll never bump into him on the street, or near work, as you guys did... we live and work half an hour away from each other. But I can't count the number of mutual friends and it brings about the pangs of missing how things used to be.

 

Also had a very, very brief text conversation with MM today. (Remember we are in LC.) He texted to see how I'm doing, and told me briefly about his day. We arranged to have a phone call tomorrow. The last one was a week ago. My mood wasn't as low today and I have to wonder if it's because I know that phone call is coming? Meaning something to look forward to... or maybe it's just that I kept busy, IDK.

[Adoraxx]

Okay, it is getting really weird now. Two days in a row? Me too! I went out and took the dog for a short walk with BS. I ate too much and wanted to stretch my legs, so I went for a bike ride after our walk. I turn out of the subdivision, and not far from where I first saw her drive by last night .... boom. There she is. it get's worse -- she's walking with her Hub! Holy ****. I looked down, huffing and puffing pedaling, and shortly before I got to them, I looked up and nodded at him, just as I would to any strangers I'm passing on a deserted country road.

 

I'm sure it was my paranoia, but he seemed like he had an opinion about me. IDK. She kind of cowered behind him. I didn't linger, I looked up, looked down and kept on cranking.

 

I took a long way around to get back to my house without seeing them. I run upstairs to shower and I can see out the front window and I see them walk by my house! He's just chugging along oblivious, she's a couple steps behind and staring at my house.

 

Outofmysystem -- something freaky is going on. Thank god for Poppy. Poppy is right. Let it pass. Argh!!!

 

Hey Rumble, my xMM only lives a few steps away from me so you and I are pretty much in the same situation with them being so nearby (good thing is that I'll be moving 90 mins away from here by the end of the year!!! Can't take it anymore).

 

I think she is doing these walk by's / run ins because she wants to make you miss her . OK, I mean, that's what I have done at times... Just a walk by to (hopefully) make him miss me as much as I miss him... Because he truly doesn't seem to care about me at all. I know that's not the case with you though (the not caring)

 

Will you ever consider moving away?

[rumblefish12]

Will you ever consider moving away?

 

Hi Ad -- I'll never move away. My BS and I built this house. There's no moving. My XAP might move though. When we were on again off again, she would comment on how she's just going to have to move out of state to make an ending work because there are too many reminders of us around, let alone actually bumping into one another. Well, obviously that's bull because she's walking passed my house with her H. That was purposeful.

 

But those encounters are very characteristic of her. She loves drama. I may have mentioned before about how she had thought of all kinds of things she'd do to me if it ended. We had a running joke about bananas (don't ask) and she said she would start putting a banana in my driveway every night. Or dump everything I ever gave her in my front yard. Or at one point joking she talked about committing suicide in my driveway. While that wasn't serious, I do think she thinks about all that crazy stuff.

 

That's why when I did end things and she was on board (at that moment) just because of where she was at mentally at the time, I thought "I have to strike while the iron is hot, before she gets mad or bitter or morose, etc" I know those feelings come around, but being 4 months out since I last saw her (TODAY ACTUALLY! ) seemed very unlikely at one point in time. I have to remember that when seeing her makes me miss her.

 

I thought the only way it would end is if she rained fire down on my life and hers. That's how she is. She loved the really dark Heath Ledger Joke character (you know "just wants to watch the world burn"). I have my hurdles in working on my M especially with no DDay, but that is actually coming along really well. My BS and I are both putting a lot into our connection and the results are great. I just have to be grateful I'm away from XAP and NOT let her back in.

[Adoraxx]

Those things are truly very odd, Rumble.. I have never threatened to do things like that and I don't like drama anyway, especially not when he's involved!! Do you sometimes worry that she'll seriously do something outrageous? I never would but I think xMM knows this... I've never even threatened him with anything like your xMW has.

 

I can understand why you're not going to leave the neighborhood!! Do you wish that she would leave or is it ok with you either way?

[rumblefish12]

Do you sometimes worry that she'll seriously do something outrageous?

Do you wish that she would leave or is it ok with you either way?

 

Ad -- you know I don't really think she'll do anything. There's always that worry and I do occasionally look out my window at night, or check the mailbox in the morning. But especially after 4 months I'm pretty sure she is not going to do anything.

 

And I don't care if she moves or not. While it can be hard seeing her, I do think she'll eventually find someone else to occupy her time. She's a serial cheater. Although she said she never knew love before me, I'm the only guy she never cheated on, I changed her, I opened her eyes, blah blah blah -- I'm certain that eventually she'll be distracted by one or more men. I'm relatively certain that she's probably already been sleeping around since our ending. Just one more reason I won't get involved with her again.

 

She used to say "you're so paranoid about STDs" -- well, wtf, duh! Again, part of her self-destructive streak.

 

You never know what could happen with her, but I feel safer now than I have in a very long time.

[ZBA]

RUMBLE, to echo Adoraxx's question, does some part of you take the teeniest, tiniest comfort in knowing she is somewhat closeby, even if you were to never run into her? Meaning, just the idea that she's kinda near, like she hasn't disappeared 100%. Is it subconsciously comforting?

 

I ask because my MM is not nearby and if there wasn't intentional contact, we would truly never cross paths. The sudden and complete absence of his presence has been hard.

 

As for the crazy threats your MOW conjured up... personally, I could and would never do anything to blow up MM's life. He told me he GREATLY minimized the extent of our A to his BW, on his DD. At most, I've thought to myself about the crazy amount of "evidence" I have of our actual relationship (pictures, texts, etc) that would shatter his world. Again I would NEVER do that and he knows it but it's mind boggling to realize. All it takes is the right (or should I say wrong) personality, and a moment of feeling particularly vengeful for an AP to do such a thing. But neither of us wishes that kind of misery on each other - what's the point?

Edited July 13, 2016 by ZBA

[rumblefish12]

RUMBLE, Is it subconsciously comforting?

 

ZBA -- Oh yes, of course. Knowing she's nearby provides anxiety and comfort (just like the A). I love to see her and I hate to see her. I'm afraid though it keeps me from letting go in the long run. To be honest, I'm having trouble letting go.

 

And I sure as hell don't want to see her in some other guys car (not her hub). While in a normal world that would be far fetched, but I've mentioned before that her hub wants her to have a boyfriend -- actually encourages her to get a boyfriend. That started well after my XAP/MOW and I got together. And I was clear that I wanted no part of that and she could never reveal our A or else I'm out. It's part of some weird cuckolding inclination on her hub's part. Their relationship is so messed up.

 

But, hey, what does that say about me? I was involved with her for 3 years. You know I look back to December, and my XAP/MOW and I went NC for about 3 weeks. I was on a different webboard on this subject that is no longer around. I remember getting advice from someone about how F'ed up the XAP/MOW's marriage sounded and that I should pray that she finds someone else to get me off the hook and away from their dysfunction. And then by mid-January I was back in the A (which lasted another 2 months about). I was told that unless I wanted to be in the middle of their chaos and have it effect people in my life, that I needed to be so thankful to be away from it.

 

And yet I went back for more. They should totally do affair addictions on that show Intervention. I'm grateful and lucky to be free of it today.

[Lostgirl186]

haven't spoken to MM in 5 days. First time since this time a year ago we've gone more than one workday without talking in some form (whether it be friendly or otherwise.) if he were not unreachable, I can tell you, today would be a day i would cave. Longest we've ever gone without talking at all was ten days- and I'm feeling pretty yuck. It's like wanting him to reach out just to make me feel like something in him cared or misses me.. But knowing that he won't. This conflicted feeling is the hardest part for me.. I'm ready for this feeling to be in the past!!

 

Rumble Out hang in there guys.. You have made it past the hurdle and I imagine a few odd days are normal.. Just remember how you feel on good days.. And think about those of us that are still fresh in the breakup- not a place you want to go back to. We are all striving to make the process you two have reached!!

[ZBA]

haven't spoken to MM in 5 days. First time since this time a year ago we've gone more than one workday without talking in some form (whether it be friendly or otherwise.) if he were not unreachable, I can tell you, today would be a day i would cave. Longest we've ever gone without talking at all was ten days- and I'm feeling pretty yuck. It's like wanting him to reach out just to make me feel like something in him cared or misses me.. But knowing that he won't. This conflicted feeling is the hardest part for me.. I'm ready for this feeling to be in the past!!

LOST - Oh, how well I know how you are feeling! You are exactly where I was the other week when MM initiated NC without a word (didn't reply to my last text). God did it hurt. After that, I didn't text again for over a week, thinking he'd eventually get back to me. "It's like wanting him to reach out just to make me feel like something in him cared or misses me... But knowing that he won't." YUP, this. Exactly this! Each passing day was excruciating and only got worse for me. However, as I mentioned earlier in the thread, he kept checking our chat app daily (sometimes numerous times a day) to see if I'd written him. Just so bizarre to do that if you are purposely not contacting me??? The day before I caved and texted, he wore that shirt I told you guys I bought for him. (Smoke signal, perhaps? Who knows. Doubt it.) Once I did finally text, we discussed the period of NC we'd just gone through.

 

I really and truly understand how you're feeling, I'm so sorry LOST! 5 days can feel so damn long.

 

I think you are in the worst of it right now and from what others say here, if you hold strong, it will eventually get better. I know it's easier said than done but I look at examples like Rumble, Out, Poppy, etc... they all seem to be having more and more good days over the number of bad days. Keep posting your thoughts rather than acting out on them, if you can. I check this thread regularly because I need it just as much as the rest of us here.

 

Do you have any interesting plans today? Can you plan something last-minute?

[ZBA]

ZBA -- Oh yes, of course. Knowing she's nearby provides anxiety and comfort (just like the A). I love to see her and I hate to see her.

This could have been a quote of what I said to MM. Nearly verbatim. On a particularly low day when I was really grieving the way things used to be, I said to him, "Hearing from you is both the best thing and the worst thing." He replied, "Trust me, I understand 100%." Sigh.

 

And then by mid-January I was back in the A (which lasted another 2 months about). I was told that unless I wanted to be in the middle of their chaos and have it effect people in my life, that I needed to be so thankful to be away from it.

 

And yet I went back for more. They should totally do affair addictions on that show Intervention.

It really is an addiction. And I guess allowing yourself back into it even in the slightest could bring about a full-on relapse? Being hooked on a person and a feeling is the most dangerous thing. Unlike with a substance addiction, you don't have to pay any money for it - all it takes is allowing your thoughts to focus on that person, which is far too easy. But the actual cost can be your sanity and well being.

[Outofmysystem]

Lostgirl, I can tell you, with me, the feeling that you have does get better.....you end up "discovering" what it was and you were like before you started the A.....however, I think the other feelings, the want, need, missing unfortunately will never go away.....I think that that is the "minimum cost" when you sign up for an A.....you now have experienced someone and something that changes you and when its gone, you are broken from it and it cant be fixed (that part). I'm not trying to depress you or anyone else in the thread....and that is just my opinion....but I base it on all this same, shared evidence.....its just the reality of the situation.....

 

I knew before I started with her that I was going to pay some sort of price....that little voice in your head that says, "are you sure you want to go forward with this?".....well, I found out what that "it" was....a piece of me that I will never get back.....

 

ZBA, it was too easy of an addiction....even as I was telling myself at first, I can manage this, I've got this.....lol....I was fooling myself better than anyone else could have....every wink, blown kiss, "baby", hug, caress sucked me in deeper......

 

it was like carrying a bag of bricks.....it was all so easy once I let go.....

[rumblefish12]

It really is an addiction. And I guess allowing yourself back into it even in the slightest could bring about a full-on relapse? Being hooked on a person and a feeling is the most dangerous thing. Unlike with a substance addiction, you don't have to pay any money for it - all it takes is allowing your thoughts to focus on that person, which is far too easy. But the actual cost can be your sanity and well being.

 

ZBA -- That's so true! I may have mentioned before, I've been sober and in AA for almost 20 years (not in an A for 20 years, but in AA - lol), so I know something about addictive personalities. And that feeling that I got from XAP, total brain chemistry eruption and "give me more and for longer." I knew the feelings so well!.

 

SO in quitting the A and XAP, the one thing I've always contended is that it is in many ways more difficult than a substance. I think you articulated it perfectly. But also, drugs and alcohol are not out there looking for me! Drugs and alcohol are not driving by my house and waving at me!

[Lobe]

Drugs and alcohol are not driving by my house and waving at me!

 

I could tell you a story about my one friend trying to get clean but his dealer would come to the house like a door-to-door salesman...

 

I think the primary relative factor between kicking both affairs and addictions is that you won't have the resolve to stay away until you've hit your "bottom" and sadly, bottom is different for everyone. Every time you break NC, what you are essentially doing is lowering the bottom for yourself. The only way to make the hole you're standing in stop getting deeper is to stop digging.

 

The nice thing about waking up each morning is that it's an opportunity to throw the shovel away and start climbing out. Stay strong

[Poppy47]

I could tell you a story about my one friend trying to get clean but his dealer would come to the house like a door-to-door salesman...

 

I think the primary relative factor between kicking both affairs and addictions is that you won't have the resolve to stay away until you've hit your "bottom" and sadly, bottom is different for everyone. Every time you break NC, what you are essentially doing is lowering the bottom for yourself. The only way to make the hole you're standing in stop getting deeper is to stop digging.

 

The nice thing about waking up each morning is that it's an opportunity to throw the shovel away and start climbing out. Stay strong

 

Hey There Lobe,

 

My rock bottom was very swift indeed. It was actually an epiphany after many years. It involved xMM testing me that he was unable to speak to me for 3 days. I resolved never to wait around for him or anybody else again.

 

It pains me to say it but I had accepted waiting for his time and attention in my life as the norm after so many year being in the A. None of us should put ourselves in that lesser position. I accept that I did it to myself, but no more. I have climbed out of the holed and buried my little shovel for good!!!

 

Poppy.

[Chica80]

So I don't know if I should be feeling annoyed or flattered.....I was thinking about something that you guys Rumble Out said a while back. The A was like an ego boost.

When it comes to AP, I practically think he walks on water. He's super super smart, ambitous, his job is one people would think is noble....Yesterday something happened at wrk he was upset. So I encourage him try to cheer him up etc. ( he didn't contact I had text to ask about day)

 

The sex chemistry and physical is always so amazing between us. For a man I would imagine an ego boost as well.

 

I always tended to think that was what made "our relationship" so good. The chemistry the support the nurturing ( because he does as well)

 

But when you put it in the concept of an addiction. Is that all it is. I'm just a drug not a person just the thing that makes you feel good?

 

I guess part of this thinking is my H voice in my head: "I'm broken I'm traumatized I need help and am unstable"

 

Which in my mind translates to I'm not good enough so of course I'm just a drug.

Edited July 14, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[Ronnie33]

I wasn't going to comment but I've been following this thread from the beginning ant I have been on this page along time, even though I haven't posted much the last year, mainly because not much has changed and it's almost embarrassing to keep coming back with the same issues after so long, I feel pathetic. Anyway, my back story is on here, my affair is still on going and has been for 3 years. My AP is getting married in two months. When it started I was married and he was in a new relationship with her. Anyway so much has happened in 3 years that, I can't believe I'm still here. That's what lead me to comment on your addiction question. When my affair started we were very much in love. We didn't say it but didn't need to. We were coworkers that became best friends and then you know the rest. We have had many NC periods, all initiated by me. We alway go back but the longest was 3 months when he got engaged. We see eachother once or twice a week, and talk everyday, except weekends. If we don't see eachother for a week, the need is strong that we literally crave eachother. He's getting married in two months and we need to end it for good but it's so hard. He once said "I don't want to cheat anymore, but it's almost like I need you to feel better" it's insane the way your body and mind could want another. He loves his fiancé, I know he does. He loved me first, yes, but he loves her now but we are so in sync with one another that it's so hard to stop.

 

That's the addiction side to the affair. Once it becomes physical, it takes over.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Lostgirl, I can tell you, with me, the feeling that you have does get better.....you end up "discovering" what it was and you were like before you started the A.....however, I think the other feelings, the want, need, missing unfortunately will never go away.....I think that that is the "minimum cost" when you sign up for an A.....you now have experienced someone and something that changes you and when its gone, you are broken from it and it cant be fixed (that part). I'm not trying to depress you or anyone else in the thread....and that is just my opinion....but I base it on all this same, shared evidence.....its just the reality of the situation.....

 

 

I agree. The want, the feelings, the need never goes away. For me it's been 7 months since it ended, which is longer than the actual affair, though we know each other now over 3 years. For lurkers, there was a D day but it was unusual in that on my end, it was in the beginning and we had an open marriage till my H decided enough was enough and I gave xMM a choice, he chose her, and ended up telling his wife some distorted version of the truth.

 

We did not speak much for 5 months, then he was back in an EA for about 2 months. We again did not speak for about a month but now, we are talking again.

 

Here is where I am now. I will be honest. I love him. I can't be with him but I feel like maybe I made a mistake ending it. It was not what I wanted, I wanted him to leave and be with me and he wanted us each to stay married and develop our relationship. I was proud and egotistical, pick me and so on. Maybe....I was wrong. Maybe....something is better than nothing. Maybe its all me, maybe I should learn to accept what he can offer. After all, I am not single either. My H wants me in this marriage, even knowing how I feel. Maybe I should just accept what reality there is.

 

I can't forget it him, I can't let it go. I am so lost in it. I just know we spoke today, emailed as friends a bunch and he said that I was not alone, he still feels what I do, it's strong, but he is being good, that is all his silence is when I ask questions which he cant answer.

 

I just don't know. Is there a point to NC if you are both tortured? Why be with other people when you feel so much for the other person? It's brutal.

[Chica80]

I wasn't going to comment but I've been following this thread from the beginning ant I have been on this page along time, even though I haven't posted much the last year, mainly because not much has changed and it's almost embarrassing to keep coming back with the same issues after so long, I feel pathetic. Anyway, my back story is on here, my affair is still on going and has been for 3 years. My AP is getting married in two months. When it started I was married and he was in a new relationship with her. Anyway so much has happened in 3 years that, I can't believe I'm still here. That's what lead me to comment on your addiction question. When my affair started we were very much in love. We didn't say it but didn't need to. We were coworkers that became best friends and then you know the rest. We have had many NC periods, all initiated by me. We alway go back but the longest was 3 months when he got engaged. We see eachother once or twice a week, and talk everyday, except weekends. If we don't see eachother for a week, the need is strong that we literally crave eachother. He's getting married in two months and we need to end it for good but it's so hard. He once said "I don't want to cheat anymore, but it's almost like I need you to feel better" it's insane the way your body and mind could want another. He loves his fiancé, I know he does. He loved me first, yes, but he loves her now but we are so in sync with one another that it's so hard to stop.

 

That's the addiction side to the affair. Once it becomes physical, it takes over.

 

Ronnie I was reading some of your thread and story.

 

Some of the things you say. I feel the same way. I say the exact same thing.

"he loves her" "she doesn't deserve this" (she doesn't she is the only innocent one here)

YOU HAVE TO TELL HER. Or if you don't but she deserves to know.

 

I have felt the exact same things... my life is falling apart all around me, and yours is perfect. Happy and new.

 

When he got married I thought no it's done he chose her not me not us. Even though it seemed so irrational. I was married. I hadn't actually chosen to leave I kept fluctuating between what I thought was "the right thing to do" and what I really wanted and needed.

 

They just celebrated their one year anniversary. One year!!! Here I am.... Ya and I "protect" him more than her more than myself.

 

Do I think he loves me yes. Do I think he loves her yes. But ultimately the person he cares about the most is himself. How he will look what his family will think etc.

 

Because he didn't do it for me or her. She deserved to know the truth. I always said so. I told him so. Of course from me it prob just sounds like I'm thinking about myself....not so.

 

A couple of months ago, he was having some people over his place. BBQ he asked me if I wanted to come. I said are you crazy...."I may do a lot of things that are not ok. But I'm not going to come to your house and disrespect your wife."

 

I can't say I have totally cut him off NC. As you have seen in this thread...But when I think about this these things..... It's like I'm constantly making a pros and cons list.... Some days there are more minuses and some days pluses.

Because nothing ****ing makes sense!!!! I could say this now and two seconds later miss him and say how awesome he is....

[ZBA]

Ugh, LS was down, wasn't it? I couldn't get it to load at all yesterday, and needed it bad. How is everyone doing?!?!

 

Ronnie, I want to comment on your post as well (welcome to the thread), once I get a break from work. But just like Sunshinechica, I can also relate to parts of what you are going through.

 

Hope everyone is hanging in there.

[rumblefish12]

Ugh, LS was down, wasn't it? I couldn't get it to load at all yesterday, and needed it bad.

 

Hi ZBA -- thank god it's up and running. I had a REALLY rough day yesterday. I thought a lot about breaking NC but I DIDN'T! I'm very glad I didn't. I found some great articles on affairrecovery.com given I couldn't find solace in LS yesterday. Definitely worth checking out. Some really interesting stuff -- go under "free resources" and look at "free articles" -- in particular look at "31 Reasons to Stop the Affair" and some great stuff on the role of Oxytocin in an affair (the addiction element). It's good to be back.