"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you Midnight. I am going through a divorce. When we met he wasn't with her, he was in love with me the first year of their relationship. I wasn't ready to leave my husband and he moved on. I think that's a big part of why it's so hard for me. I feel like I missed my opportunity to be with the man I feel like I was meant to be with. I know he moved on, and now he loves her but I think that's why it's hard for both of us to let go. There was that huge attachment before she came in.

 

I agree though. Now it's just tuned into such a horror show. What was once based off of friendship and love has now just turned to addiction.

 

I get that your feelings are real. I honestly do. So are mine. All we can do is just face reality that for whatever reason, it's just not going to happen. Embrace the pain and move forward or else you are going to waste years of your life.

 

If it gives you any comfort, I do get it. But I know this too shall pass. But you need to let it.

[Ronnie33]

I've decided I'm going to tell him I met someone else and I need to end it, tomorrow. I'm going to block him for the first time. I'm already crying thinking about it and then I realized that I'm crying because I'm more scared of the pain of NC then I am of ending it. I know I have to, I'm sick of feeling hurt and sad. I'm tired of my life and moods revolving around him and whether or not he texts. I can't do this anymore, I'm losing my mind. I have a child I love so much and I'm wasting my time and energy on a guy that's getting married in a month and never going to be with me.

 

I say all that and yet I know that NC is going to be so hard. I will think about him everyday and miss him. The weekend he gets married will probably kill me alittle but I have to think that it will hurt less then if we were still in contact. I have been the strongest one out of my friends my whole life when it came to men. How I got this weak I will never know.

[Lobe]

I've decided I'm going to tell him I met someone else and I need to end it, tomorrow. I'm going to block him for the first time. I'm already crying thinking about it and then I realized that I'm crying because I'm more scared of the pain of NC then I am of ending it. I know I have to, I'm sick of feeling hurt and sad. I'm tired of my life and moods revolving around him and whether or not he texts. I can't do this anymore, I'm losing my mind. I have a child I love so much and I'm wasting my time and energy on a guy that's getting married in a month and never going to be with me.

 

I say all that and yet I know that NC is going to be so hard. I will think about him everyday and miss him. The weekend he gets married will probably kill me alittle but I have to think that it will hurt less then if we were still in contact. I have been the strongest one out of my friends my whole life when it came to men. How I got this weak I will never know.

 

Sending you boatloads of strength and resolve. When sadness sets in, dig deeper to find the anger you need for the way he treats you for the self-respect you've had to put aside for him.

[Ronnie33]

Sending you boatloads of strength and resolve. When sadness sets in, dig deeper to find the anger you need for the way he treats you for the self-respect you've had to put aside for him.

 

Thank You, Lobe.

 

I just want to get to the day where I don't want him anymore. I'm so scared I'll never feel like that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank You, Lobe.

 

I just want to get to the day where I don't want him anymore. I'm so scared I'll never feel like that.

 

Of course you will. Trust me on this but only if you end it. Do it now.

[Grey Cloud]

I've decided I'm going to tell him I met someone else and I need to end it, tomorrow. I'm going to block him for the first time. I'm already crying thinking about it and then I realized that I'm crying because I'm more scared of the pain of NC then I am of ending it. I know I have to, I'm sick of feeling hurt and sad. I'm tired of my life and moods revolving around him and whether or not he texts. I can't do this anymore, I'm losing my mind. I have a child I love so much and I'm wasting my time and energy on a guy that's getting married in a month and never going to be with me.

 

I say all that and yet I know that NC is going to be so hard. I will think about him everyday and miss him. The weekend he gets married will probably kill me alittle but I have to think that it will hurt less then if we were still in contact. I have been the strongest one out of my friends my whole life when it came to men. How I got this weak I will never know.

 

 

I remember reading something from a member on LS (older threads) who invented a whole story about how she had met someone else. She knew this was the only way to stop the xMM from contacting her and breaking her willpower. It worked.

 

 

I think you need to do something drastic otherwise he will keep saying the same old things to keep you connected to him. Think of it from his point of view - his life doesn't change, he gets to keep both women in his life. How selfish! If you continue to be his sidepiece once he is married, guaranteed there will be a D-day down the track and he will throw you under the bus to try and save/protect his marriage. Its a win-win situation for him and a lose-lose situation for you.

 

 

Walking away will be hard but so will staying.

[imperfectangel]

I wanted to post in this thread as it's much more supportive then what's on the board in general.

 

How do you cope with vacations? Does it bother you when mm/mw goes away with their family? It sounds stupid as they're always with their families but vacations seem harder for some reason and its that time of year here

[MidnightBlue1980]

I wanted to post in this thread as it's much more supportive then what's on the board in general.

 

How do you cope with vacations? Does it bother you when mm/mw goes away with their family? It sounds stupid as they're always with their families but vacations seem harder for some reason and its that time of year here

 

Every single moment he was with her bothered me. I was not cut out for an A and I can't be friends with him. He's actually on vacation now and emailed me; I deleted it. I'll spare you the lecture about NC and everything. I would suggest blocking him and his wife on FB, I did and it helps. Its like he doesn't exist.

 

I'm working on my own marriage now. I wasted enough time on xMM.

[imperfectangel]

I've already blocked his w as I was driving myself insane. He blocked my on fb a few years ago as "insurance". I actually think he's naive enough to think that I wouldn't find his w's account haha.

 

I haven't replied to his email. I don't know if I will. I'm not sure if he thinks he's doing me a favour by telling me as before I've got mad because he doesn't tell me things. He can't win. Neither can I.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've already blocked his w as I was driving myself insane. He blocked my on fb a few years ago as "insurance". I actually think he's naive enough to think that I wouldn't find his w's account haha.

 

I haven't replied to his email. I don't know if I will. I'm not sure if he thinks he's doing me a favour by telling me as before I've got mad because he doesn't tell me things. He can't win. Neither can I.

 

Of course you can win. My new expression - tis better to ignore than be ignored. Don't reply. It's a good feeling. You will feel stronger.

 

I know yours has been going on years. I understand that is difficult. I'm a year in myself and it's just done. I will not be here a year from now. I'm not going to lose everything over this guy.

[Ronnie33]

I did it, I ended it. He definitely didn't see it coming and was not happy. He kept saying we can be friends and I told him we aren't friends. No one in his life knows I exist. We are such good friends, yet I'm a secret. I asked him to block me on fb. That's when he shut down and got really cold. I asked him how he could get so cold and he said he has no choice. It hurts, I know he's mad at me and I'm going to miss him like hell but this has to be it. I don't understand how he's mad at me for leaving when he's getting married in a month. Wish me luck, please.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I did it, I ended it. He definitely didn't see it coming and was not happy. He kept saying we can be friends and I told him we aren't friends. No one in his life knows I exist. We are such good friends, yet I'm a secret. I asked him to block me on fb. That's when he shut down and got really cold. I asked him how he could get so cold and he said he has no choice. It hurts, I know he's mad at me and I'm going to miss him like hell but this has to be it. I don't understand how he's mad at me for leaving when he's getting married in a month. Wish me luck, please.

 

What? Please block him. You are 99% there. Take 100% of the control. It sucks and it hurts but it is ALWAYS worse when you are not in control.

 

Repeat after me:

Tis better to ignore than be ignored.

Tis better to block than be blocked.

Tis better to dump than be dumped.

Tis better to walk away than be walked over.

 

I'm proud of you

[ladydesigner]

I did it, I ended it. He definitely didn't see it coming and was not happy. He kept saying we can be friends and I told him we aren't friends. No one in his life knows I exist. We are such good friends, yet I'm a secret. I asked him to block me on fb. That's when he shut down and got really cold. I asked him how he could get so cold and he said he has no choice. It hurts, I know he's mad at me and I'm going to miss him like hell but this has to be it. I don't understand how he's mad at me for leaving when he's getting married in a month. Wish me luck, please.

 

I am wishing you luck and the peace of mind you deserve! You can do this!!!

[Chica80]

I like posting in this thread it has seemed to be the most helpful.....

 

LOST you're the OP. What happened to you.

 

 

So everyone says that MM lie its part of all the A...there has been something that I've wondered about. What you guys might think if its a lie or not.

 

Before anything happened MM said his (fiancé at the time) was a virgin. They had never had sex. They had been together for 6 years. Living together for maybe four or five months at that point... (they got engaged when she moved in). Not sure if it matters but why would you lie about that? Not sure why it bothers me if it is a lie.

 

I was reading that during the destabilization stage is when trust starts to wane. A lot of A don't go past 2yr mark.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I like posting in this thread it has seemed to be the most helpful.....

 

LOST you're the OP. What happened to you.

 

 

So everyone says that MM lie its part of all the A...there has been something that I've wondered about. What you guys might think if its a lie or not.

 

Before anything happened MM said his (fiancé at the time) was a virgin. They had never had sex. They had been together for 6 years. Living together for maybe four or five months at that point... (they got engaged when she moved in). Not sure if it matters but why would you lie about that? Not sure why it bothers me if it is a lie.

 

I was reading that during the destabilization stage is when trust starts to wane. A lot of A don't go past 2yr mark.

 

He would lie to get your sympathy for him. Poor me, she does not love me, I am so neglected sexually, emotionally and physically.

 

That is my take as when xMM returned in my life in May, he also said he was still roommates with W and I should feel special that I was the first and last woman to go down on him, how lonely he was but he was sticking it out with her. Meanwhile, May is when they started having sex again (and marriage counseling) and yes, she went down on him.

 

He was sticking something out alright. I'm glad I didn't fall for it the second time around.

[Chica80]

He would lie to get your sympathy for him. Poor me, she does not love me, I am so neglected sexually, emotionally and physically.

 

That is my take as when xMM returned in my life in May, he also said he was still roommates with W and I should feel special that I was the first and last woman to go down on him, how lonely he was but he was sticking it out with her. Meanwhile, May is when they started having sex again (and marriage counseling) and yes, she went down on him.

 

He was sticking something out alright. I'm glad I didn't fall for it the second time around.

 

Ya maybe...but that's the thing he never said those things...I'm lonely etc. He said he loved her. That he wanted to be married. If he didn't get married now he never would. It's always been "no future for us" I don't know why I would do this I hate hurting you. I don't want you to be on the side....None of the "lines" MM say.

[Chica80]

He would lie to get your sympathy for him. Poor me, she does not love me, I am so neglected sexually, emotionally and physically.

 

That is my take as when xMM returned in my life in May, he also said he was still roommates with W and I should feel special that I was the first and last woman to go down on him, how lonely he was but he was sticking it out with her. Meanwhile, May is when they started having sex again (and marriage counseling) and yes, she went down on him.

 

He was sticking something out alright. I'm glad I didn't fall for it the second time around.

 

Ya maybe...but that's the thing he never said those things...I'm lonely etc. He said he loved her. That he wanted to be married. If he didn't get married now he never would. It's always been "no future for us" I don't know why I would do this I hate hurting you. I don't want you to be on the side....None of the "lines" MM say. He never talked bad about her. Actually never said anything about her at all.

 

One time I asked him why do you love her. He said she is good kind generous.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ya maybe...but that's the thing he never said those things...I'm lonely etc. He said he loved her. That he wanted to be married. If he didn't get married now he never would. It's always been "no future for us" I don't know why I would do this I hate hurting you. I don't want you to be on the side....None of the "lines" MM say. He never talked bad about her. Actually never said anything about her at all.

 

One time I asked him why do you love her. He said she is good kind generous.

 

Well actually since you put it like that, my xMM never said it bothered him that he was in a roommate marriage for 3 years and had lost interest for the last 10. He was very matter of fact about it. He also never said he was lonely, unloved, etc. He never future faked. He only said he wanted a LTA with me, that's really it. And once it ended, he was over it.

 

The truth is - I guess I rewrote our history by adding my thoughts about what he must have meant/been feeling in order to make sense of the very things you are now asking us here. How do you make sense of things that make no sense? You create someone who does not exist and put thoughts and feelings on him/her to explain away your questions.

 

I don't know if I am making sense. I guess I am saying, I don't know because I am realizing the big part I played in all this in that I totally created a person who simply does not exist.

[Chica80]

Well actually since you put it like that, my xMM never said it bothered him that he was in a roommate marriage for 3 years and had lost interest for the last 10. He was very matter of fact about it. He also never said he was lonely, unloved, etc. He never future faked. He only said he wanted a LTA with me, that's really it. And once it ended, he was over it.

 

The truth is - I guess I rewrote our history by adding my thoughts about what he must have meant/been feeling in order to make sense of the very things you are now asking us here. How do you make sense of things that make no sense? You create someone who does not exist and put thoughts and feelings on him/her to explain away your questions.

 

I don't know if I am making sense. I guess I am saying, I don't know because I am realizing the big part I played in all this in that I totally created a person who simply does not exist.

 

 

YOU make total sense!! How to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. No future fake no I love you. What I get is "I enjoy spending time with you" "I like talking to you"

He has never said anything actually to the contrary. I needed him to be real. We've talked before and I said sometimes I can't tell whats real or what's not. I need you to be real because right now not a lot of things seem real.

 

It's the why the my question never gets answered. I get so angry. Yes I cheated to I did. I had an affair. The difference for me was once I started I didn't go back and forth. Yes I questioned working on my marriage because I felt it's what I had to do not really what I wanted to do. But you you weren't even married. You got married and the whole year, your first year of marriage you have been lying. You went into it lying. Yet I stick around. I feel of course why should you make any commitment to me. I'm just your whore. You make a commitment to your wife. Your sweet precious innocent wife.

 

Sorry I'm so angry and hurt these last couple of days....I sit here and I cry and I feel so awful. But I'm the one who always goes back....

 

I was thinking about, when they got married they got married in another country. Not a lot of people could go. A couple months after the wedding people from work threw them a party. Of course everyone asked if I was going to go. I said no. People were curious I'm sure. We are such "good friends" why wasn't I going to be there. Anyways I had gone out with friends that night. I drunk text him. After their party He left his wife at home and went out with other co workers. We had phone/video sex that night. The next morning I thought to myself WTF am I doing. This is out of control. And you just celebrated your wedding again!! It's the first time anything had happened since he got married. It felt so awful... Since then its been the push/pull. You know I get angry or he feels guilty we push away that usually last about a month or two. UGGHHHHH

Edited August 8, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[Grey Cloud]

YOU make total sense!! How to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. No future fake no I love you. What I get is "I enjoy spending time with you" "I like talking to you"

He has never said anything actually to the contrary. I needed him to be real. We've talked before and I said sometimes I can't tell whats real or what's not. I need you to be real because right now not a lot of things seem real.

 

It's the why the my question never gets answered. I get so angry. Yes I cheated to I did. I had an affair. The difference for me was once I started I didn't go back and forth. Yes I questioned working on my marriage because I felt it's what I had to do not really what I wanted to do. But you you weren't even married. You got married and the whole year, your first year of marriage you have been lying. You went into it lying. Yet I stick around. I feel of course why should you make any commitment to me. I'm just your whore. You make a commitment to your wife. Your sweet precious innocent wife.

 

Sorry I'm so angry and hurt these last couple of days....I sit here and I cry and I feel so awful. But I'm the one who always goes back....

 

I was thinking about, when they got married they got married in another country. Not a lot of people could go. A couple months after the wedding people from work threw them a party. Of course everyone asked if I was going to go. I said no. People were curious I'm sure. We are such "good friends" why wasn't I going to be there. Anyways I had gone out with friends that night. I drunk text him. After their party He left his wife at home and went out with other co workers. We had phone/video sex that night. The next morning I thought to myself WTF am I doing. This is out of control. And you just celebrated your wedding again!! It's the first time anything had happened since he got married. It felt so awful... Since then its been the push/pull. You know I get angry or he feels guilty we push away that usually last about a month or two. UGGHHHHH

 

 

My Xmm never future faked either. No I love you's. Made a few comments about his wife but nothing major. I always wondered why?

 

 

But you will NEVER make sense of it. It's better to stop questioning and analysing before you drive yourself crazy. The best I could come up with in terms of my xMM is that as long as he could keep the two worlds separate (his home life with his wife and his work life with me on the side), then he could have his cake and eat it too. It took me a long time to figure out he wasn't unhappy in his marriage, he just thought he could manage and enjoy both. I think it was that simple in his mind! Why not have extra if you can?!!

 

 

The fact that it felt awful for you when something happened after he got married is a big sign in itself that it's time to stop. It doesn't make sense to you WHY he would do something like that (now that he is married), but the sad truth is he will if he thinks he wont get caught, you were available and there was opportunity. Then the guilt kicks in and push/pull happens. It's not a good cycle. It's up to you as to whether it continues though. We never get a different result so why keep trying!!

[Grey Cloud]

I like posting in this thread it has seemed to be the most helpful.....

 

LOST you're the OP. What happened to you.

 

 

So everyone says that MM lie its part of all the A...there has been something that I've wondered about. What you guys might think if its a lie or not.

 

Before anything happened MM said his (fiancé at the time) was a virgin. They had never had sex. They had been together for 6 years. Living together for maybe four or five months at that point... (they got engaged when she moved in). Not sure if it matters but why would you lie about that? Not sure why it bothers me if it is a lie.

 

I was reading that during the destabilization stage is when trust starts to wane. A lot of A don't go past 2yr mark.

 

They NEVER had sex after being together for 6 years?! Either he was completely in love with her and respectful of her beliefs or its a lie. It does sound hard to believe?

 

 

Maybe he thought you would respect him more if he told you that story?!

 

 

I witnessed my xmm telling many small lies at work - for no reason at all really - except for monitoring his image for how he was perceived by others. I think sometimes he told the lies often enough that he started believing them himself. I knew he was lying to his wife so why would it be any different that he was lying to me about things? Didn't see it at the time!

[Poppy47]

Ya maybe...but that's the thing he never said those things...I'm lonely etc. He said he loved her. That he wanted to be married. If he didn't get married now he never would. It's always been "no future for us" I don't know why I would do this I hate hurting you. I don't want you to be on the side....None of the "lines" MM say.

 

Sorry to tell you xMM said those things to me all the time.... then how much he loved me.

 

Nothing new under the sun.

 

Poppy.

[Chica80]

They NEVER had sex after being together for 6 years?! Either he was completely in love with her and respectful of her beliefs or its a lie. It does sound hard to believe?

 

 

Maybe he thought you would respect him more if he told you that story?!

 

 

Ya that's the hard thing to believe, isn't it. When I think about it maybe not so much her beliefs but her image. Could it be possible that it's true possibly if it wasn't so much about her beliefs but what she needed to be when they got married.

So if that's true what does that say about me what does that make me....this is where I get stuck. Maybe it doesn't really matter, and I'll never get the answer I'm looking for, but it is the most painful.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ya that's the hard thing to believe, isn't it. When I think about it maybe not so much her beliefs but her image. Could it be possible that it's true possibly if it wasn't so much about her beliefs but what she needed to be when they got married.

So if that's true what does that say about me what does that make me....this is where I get stuck. Maybe it doesn't really matter, and I'll never get the answer I'm looking for, but it is the most painful.

 

Cultural thing? I know some cultures marry a virgin and have the family thing but a woman on the side is almost expected. Or maybe the Madonna/Whore complex? It is odd, you story. I have heard of guys getting married while cheating the whole time. I personally went through with my first marriage (I was not having an A) but I knew it was a mistake. It doesn't make it right but sometimes its hard to get out of these things. I did get divorced, so its not impossible.

 

I agree, your xMM behavior is pretty bad. I would guess he has it compartmentalized so well, he would not even be able to explain it to you.

 

I just realized your story is a lot like Ronnies, except you are a year ahead of her.

 

I cannot explain these guys' behavior or thought processes to you. I can't explain the xMM I know IRL.

 

All I know is this - the longer I go without communication, the stronger I get. The stronger I get, the more determined xMM gets to bring me back to that sad, dark place where I am pathetically chasing him. Why? He had a real chance to be with me in December. He passed. I guess he just wants me to want him for no reason other than it amuses him, builds his ego? I think he likes to ignore me or something.

 

All I know is I did not respond to his email last week on vacation and today he emailed me again, that he is back at work and will see me tomorrow. I have to admit I felt good that I resisted last week and him emailing me today - only strengthened my resolve. I see now that my ignoring him, gets to him. I'm not playing a game though. I really want to feel better and get out of this.

Edited August 8, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980
typo

[Chica80]

Cultural thing? I know some cultures marry a virgin and have the family thing but a woman on the side is almost expected. Or maybe the Madonna/Whore complex? It is odd, you story. I have heard of guys getting married while cheating the whole time. I personally went through with my first marriage (I was not having an A) but I knew it was a mistake. It doesn't make it right but sometimes its hard to get out of these things. I did get divorced, so its not impossible.

 

I agree, your xMM behavior is pretty bad. I would guess he has it compartmentalized so well, he would not even be able to explain it to you.

 

I just realized your story is a lot like Ronnies, except you are a year ahead of her.

 

I cannot explain these guys' behavior or thought processes to you. I can't explain the xMM I know IRL.

 

All I know is this - the longer I go without communication, the stronger I get. The stronger I get, the more determined xMM gets to bring me back to that sad, dark place where I am pathetically chasing him. Why? He had a real chance to be with me in December. He passed. I guess he just wants me to want him for no reason other than it amuses him, builds his ego? I think he likes to ignore me or something.

 

All I know is I did not respond to his email last week on vacation and today he emailed me again, that he is back at work and will see me tomorrow. I have to admit I felt good that I resisted last week and him emailing me today - only strengthened my resolve. I see now that my ignoring him, gets to him. I'm not playing a game though. I really want to feel better and get out of this.

 

Oh def cultural. It's one of the things he said. His family would never accept me. I'm divorced and I have children.

He's a firstborn son. Big deal, big expectations.

 

Yes compartmentalized. He has a drawer in his office gifts from me. It's like a drawer of secrets like me. the only visible gift is a painting he has on his wall, I made him.

 

Yes Ronnie, and I are similar and it sucks!!!

 

Midnight I'm glad you are doing so well. Its encouragung. Stay strong.