"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Poppy47]

The man benefits because he has it all, the complete package - wife, kids, house, dog, society approved existence with the sexy, mysterious OW who brings drama and excitement to his life. But then he loses when it ends because he has to go back to a life which is now dull whereas the woman tends to be thankful for the lack of drama. Afterall, she really only wanted love, not drama.

 

This is my take.

 

Midnight I agree with you. xMM said that if I ever left him, his life would have no joy or meaning. Perhaps he really meant excitement and fantasy. Who knows?

 

I left him and his life will be exactly what it was before. He never left anything to go back to. I don't believe anything in his world ever changed because of me.

It was all his secret. If he misses it all, then he only has himself to blame.

 

I am relieved that the pressure is no more. Being pushed around emotionally by the affair was very destructive.

 

Poppy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight I agree with you. xMM said that if I ever left him, his life would have no joy or meaning. Perhaps he really meant excitement and fantasy. Who knows?

 

I left him and his life will be exactly what it was before. He never left anything to go back to. I don't believe anything in his world ever changed because of me.

It was all his secret. If he misses it all, then he only has himself to blame.

 

I am relieved that the pressure is no more. Being pushed around emotionally by the affair was very destructive.

 

Poppy.

 

Definitely excitement and fantasy. Why should we give that to a man who is not interested in the whole package?

 

I completely relate to your statement about nothing in his world changed. I will say his wife knows but since he is obviously never leaving our group, I can only assume she does not really care or he has done an excellent job at convincing her he is completely back in the marriage.

 

And I guess that is what bothers me most of all - he is all back in his marriage. He does want to be friends with me but he doesn't try for anything more. My H points out my flaws in my memory and reminds me that xMM was willing and insistent on the A staying an ongoing thing, but to me, he seems pretty fine with his life. He's all happy. I get to see it weekly. And that makes me hate him, however irrational that may seem.

 

I saw him today and I am as usual, flooded with a host of negative emotions. I already know (as he told me) that he cannot do NC, he needs to be friends. Since that is my only weapon, I ignore him and I do not respond to his emails. I can only hope I cause him a fraction of the pain he caused me.

 

I want to write a big angry email, I want to tell him I hate you, I want to vomit that I let you touch me, but I have learned that is communication and he feeds off of it and I am left feelings worse, not better.

 

Ignore ignore ignore.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight you have given me alot to think about today. Thank you

 

Today was a big step for me. I have a Fitbit and we are fitbit friends. I used to invite him to the competitions. SLowly I have stopped and today after seeing him, I deleted him. Now he has no friends.

 

I felt finally ready. I hate him.

[Chica80]

Today was a big step for me. I have a Fitbit and we are fitbit friends. I used to invite him to the competitions. SLowly I have stopped and today after seeing him, I deleted him. Now he has no friends.

 

I felt finally ready. I hate him.

 

I feel you on the wrk thing. I start to do better until I actually see him. We wrk together tomorrow. After I blew up angry at him fri..

 

Midnight from you're post, he seems so creepy. He is not happy that's why he keeps contacting you. HE wanted you to stay as his AP. You made his marriage stable in a weird way. He seekes you out because he was being ignored at hm. Wah wah wah. .....then he lied to his wife and he lied to you.

[Chica80]

Midnight I agree with you. xMM said that if I ever left him, his life would have no joy or meaning. Perhaps he really meant excitement and fantasy. Who knows?

 

I left him and his life will be exactly what it was before. He never left anything to go back to. I don't believe anything in his world ever changed because of me.

It was all his secret. If he misses it all, then he only has himself to blame.

 

I am relieved that the pressure is no more. Being pushed around emotionally by the affair was very destructive.

 

Poppy.

 

 

Ya MM would say things like I broke his heart. He will find a way to manage without me. I used to tell him he had no heart or a black heart.

 

It was last week or the week before, I said somehing about his no heart or closed anyway then he said "do you have the key?" I said no no one does because you keep that locked so tight and hidden.

 

Somehow typing these things out saying them other than my head helps me see how crazy it all is.

 

Because who says things like that!!! Your heart is broken you a hole. Your the one who's married while I sit around waiting for you!! Ugggghhhh

[Lobe]

Now he has no friends.

 

Can we get THIS on a mug, too? lol

[Ronnie33]

Well, you loved him. I loved him. I still do love him. I just chose to love myself more. Clique' I know.

 

Its never all for nothing. There is always a lesson to be learned. What did you learn?

 

I still don't know what I learned, other then the fact that I will never do this again.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ya MM would say things like I broke his heart. He will find a way to manage without me. I used to tell him he had no heart or a black heart.

 

It was last week or the week before, I said somehing about his no heart or closed anyway then he said "do you have the key?" I said no no one does because you keep that locked so tight and hidden.

 

Somehow typing these things out saying them other than my head helps me see how crazy it all is.

 

Because who says things like that!!! Your heart is broken you a hole. Your the one who's married while I sit around waiting for you!! Ugggghhhh

 

The word you are searching for is cheesy. Who says cheesy stuff like that? Pul-lease. "Do you have the key" - I threw up a little in my mouth. LOL

 

xMM would say stuff like I broke his heart - like when I defriended him on FB while we were together. I defriended him because he wrote "I love you too" to some random woman on his happy birthday thread. His wife had also put a big post about happy birthday to the most wonderful husband, father, etc and how much she loved him. I took a screen shot of that post (his wifes) and texted it to him since he was always saying she showed him no affection. He just said, FakeBook. But yes, I defriended him on his bday over the random woman I love you post and he said I broke his heart. what-ever.

[Ronnie33]

So I want to reach out to him. I hate the way things needed. I hate that he's mad at me and I want to text him and ask him to talk. I wanted us to end on good terms, which I realize is just an excuse to maybe be friends one day because I'm pathetic. So I'm posting here.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I still don't know what I learned, other then the fact that I will never do this again.

 

Right with you sista. And don't discount that - it is a valuable lesson.

[MidnightBlue1980]

So I want to reach out to him. I hate the way things needed. I hate that he's mad at me and I want to text him and ask him to talk. I wanted us to end on good terms, which I realize is just an excuse to maybe be friends one day because I'm pathetic. So I'm posting here.

 

I'm glad you posted here. You don't want to be friends, it's a lie to yourself. You want to keep the door open and it will take time to fully close. I did it myself for months, kept the candle burning.

 

Don't do it or you go back to Day 1.

 

He has no right to be mad at you. He's marrying another woman.

[Ronnie33]

Ya MM would say things like I broke his heart. He will find a way to manage without me. I used to tell him he had no heart or a black heart.

 

It was last week or the week before, I said somehing about his no heart or closed anyway then he said "do you have the key?" I said no no one does because you keep that locked so tight and hidden.

 

Somehow typing these things out saying them other than my head helps me see how crazy it all is.

 

Because who says things like that!!! Your heart is broken you a hole. Your the one who's married while I sit around waiting for you!! Ugggghhhh

 

One would assume his wife has the key to his heart, manipulative asshat.

[Lobe]

So I want to reach out to him. I hate the way things needed. I hate that he's mad at me and I want to text him and ask him to talk. I wanted us to end on good terms, which I realize is just an excuse to maybe be friends one day because I'm pathetic. So I'm posting here.

 

He's angry you are taking away the cake he was eating while he has his wedding cake to look forward to. He's selfish and he is using you. You want to make things interesting? Contact his fiancee and tell her what's been going on. She deserves to know.

[Ronnie33]

I'm glad you posted here. You don't want to be friends, it's a lie to yourself. You want to keep the door open and it will take time to fully close. I did it myself for months, kept the candle burning.

 

Don't do it or you go back to Day 1.

 

He has no right to be mad at you. He's marrying another woman.

 

I have been sick for a few days and this morning none of my good guy friends messaged me to see how I was feeling. I immediately got sad because for three years my AP would be the one to do that. It's things like that I miss. I miss him, ughhh

[Chica80]

So I want to reach out to him. I hate the way things needed. I hate that he's mad at me and I want to text him and ask him to talk. I wanted us to end on good terms, which I realize is just an excuse to maybe be friends one day because I'm pathetic. So I'm posting here.

 

DON'T DO IT!!!! HE will just convince you about what you want to hear. Glad you posted on here..Who cares of he is mad. HE is getting married!!! He doesn't want to change anything. He wants things to be the same. Of course he does!!! The last time you saw him he was kissing you!!!

 

Do you want to see what he's really like? Tell him to tell the truth! he will not want to be hugging kissing you anymore because you won't be a secret anymore.

[Ronnie33]

He's angry you are taking away the cake he was eating while he has his wedding cake to look forward to. He's selfish and he is using you. You want to make things interesting? Contact his fiancee and tell her what's been going on. She deserves to know.

 

You are right Lobe. Wedding cake, Ughh I hope he chokes on it

[MidnightBlue1980]

I feel you on the wrk thing. I start to do better until I actually see him. We wrk together tomorrow. After I blew up angry at him fri..

 

Midnight from you're post, he seems so creepy. He is not happy that's why he keeps contacting you. HE wanted you to stay as his AP. You made his marriage stable in a weird way. He seekes you out because he was being ignored at hm. Wah wah wah. .....then he lied to his wife and he lied to you.

 

That is basically it in a nutshell, correct. I am not really sure why he wants to be friends now but my guy friend who knows him and this saga said he is keeping me at arm's length but making sure I am not actually gone. I guess he is not sure what will happen in his own life. Well, I am making that decision for him.

 

As an aside, this is what it looks like ladies when a guy is unhappy at home and wants to leave. My friend filed for divorce last week. He's got it all set up, taking care of his soon to be ex, their 3 kids, its all arranged. He will be out a huge amount of money each month but he wants out that badly. The kids are young, the stakes are high, but when a guy wants a divorce, he gets a divorce. And there is no other woman at all. Many men told him to just have an affair but he feels like he lived my saga with me and said no way, not for him.

 

So most of these guys, they are having an A to make their marriage workable, not the other way around.

[MidnightBlue1980]

He's angry you are taking away the cake he was eating while he has his wedding cake to look forward to. He's selfish and he is using you. You want to make things interesting? Contact his fiancee and tell her what's been going on. She deserves to know.

 

Normally I would not agree with the OW telling the spouse but in this situation, I don't know, I would want to know.

[Chica80]

Ronnie why won't you tell her? She deserves to know? What if it was you wouldn't you want to know? It's been three years their whole relationship!

 

What are you afraid of?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have been sick for a few days and this morning none of my good guy friends messaged me to see how I was feeling. I immediately got sad because for three years my AP would be the one to do that. It's things like that I miss. I miss him, ughhh

 

Guy friends help because they see right through the BS in other guys which we as women cannot see. My friend has been very valuable in this experience.

 

It goes away. I can tell you honestly I do not miss him anymore. Unfortunately I hate him but its better than being sad and missing him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ronnie why won't you tell her? She deserves to know? What if it was you wouldn't you want to know? It's been three years their whole relationship!

 

What are you afraid of?

 

Ronnie, is the reason you won't tell her because you know the guy will hate you and you will lose any chance you think you have with this guy?

[Ronnie33]

I would never tell her. To me it's a spiteful and revenge filled move. I was married when this started, I wasn't innocent either. I'm not purposefully destroying her life because her fiancé picked her. I can't do it.

[Ronnie33]

Ronnie, is the reason you won't tell her because you know the guy will hate you and you will lose any chance you think you have with this guy?

 

My best friend had a 3 year affair, years ago. It was an exit affair for her and the guy lived with his then gf. The girl and him ended up breaking up and him and my best friend were together for a brief time but it didn't work.

 

About a year later the ap's ex gf found out about the affair. She tried to kill herself. She couldn't believe that for three years she lived a lie. There was a lot to it. I just can't do it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My best friend had a 3 year affair, years ago. It was an exit affair for her and the guy lived with his then gf. The girl and him ended up breaking up and him and my best friend were together for a brief time but it didn't work.

 

About a year later the ap's ex gf found out about the affair. She tried to kill herself. She couldn't believe that for three years she lived a lie. There was a lot to it. I just can't do it.

 

I do understand. I feel a little bad for xMM's wife. I've thought of sending her the texts and emails from this past spring so she could see that he agreed to marriage counseling to give her false security and tried to pick things up with me, asking for pics, I love yous, lying to me about her, etc. But who am I to wreck her world? She agreed to let him continue to see me, he has his phone password protected, etc. She obviously wants him and he wants to be there with her. I'm not getting in the middle of that.

[Ronnie33]

I do understand. I feel a little bad for xMM's wife. I've thought of sending her the texts and emails from this past spring so she could see that he agreed to marriage counseling to give her false security and tried to pick things up with me, asking for pics, I love yous, lying to me about her, etc. But who am I to wreck her world? She agreed to let him continue to see me, he has his phone password protected, etc. She obviously wants him and he wants to be there with her. I'm not getting in the middle of that.

 

She's innocent, I can't hurt her intentionally. I know I have been doing that by having an affair with her fiancé, but she doesn't know. I can't ruin her life like that.