"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Adoraxx]

I wish you luck. I am coming to the conclusion that for me, it's impossible for me to get to that point of indifference. I had gone two weeks without seeing him and successfully ignored his "checking in" emails. I was feeling better, things were calm at home. Then I had to see him yesterday and he kept trying to talk to me, trying to be my friend. Meanwhile, he is still pretending that he is considering leaving when his membership is up, and I am aware that he is taking over my role in the fall, I am aware he is actively lying to me and he is not going anywhere.

Same for me, Midnight... I can't get to the point of indifference either, especially not as long as that I'm still living so close to him.. I have to say that I felt much better too when he was on a vacation and when there was at least some peace and quiet! As soon as he returned, all the anxiety returned as well.

 

And then all that lying.. It's sick how he lies to you, just as sick as how my xMM keeps lying to me! Your xMM probably hopes that you'll get all worried and anxious when he tells you that he is going to leave...

 

He thinks I am so stupid. He thinks he can say whatever, do whatever, nice one day, mean the next, I love you one day, I can only be your friend the next.

This is what it feels like for me too... sucking up to me one day, sending me stupid emails with 'ILY' and 'xxx' and then suddenly from one day to the next, I don't exist to him anymore. It's truly as if I'm suddenly dead to him. And it makes me angry that he thinks I'm just some stupid gullible woman.. I haven't believed his lies for so long now... At least I've kept telling myself: "I know you're lying to me... you think I'm stupid but I'm not... You're a big old liar" (and even then it takes me by surprise when I'm suddenly 'dead' to him again)

 

 

No response. I know him and he was furious. I realized in that second that I was terrified of him, that I had never stood up to him and that is how I got in this mess. I allowed him to manipulate me and push me around. This was the first time I stood up to him and said, no I refuse to accept your behavior.

I'm so proud of you for standing up to him like you did, Midnight ! I know that's a very hard thing to do especially when you're terrified of him. I'm terrified of my xMM too... I'm not afraid that he'll hurt me physically, no that's not it.. But he knows exactly how he can hurt me emotionally and that's why I'm afraid to speak up to him. I probably only did this one time and even yelled at him that one time... Before that, I was too frightened to do that. In fact, I'm still afraid to do that!!! It's scary how much they know how to hurt us emotionally.

 

it's more my pride that he started all this and now he is fine and I am not. Why can't I be like, so he used me, who cares.

I also wish I could move on without ever looking back , just like he's doing! But I have to LITERALLY move out of his life by moving to a town 1 1/2 hour away from here, and I really hope you can change jobs too in Fall!!!

 

Thanks for what you wrote, it really helped me!!!

[Adoraxx]

I used to think that something was better than nothing. I clung on to LC and the concept of being 'friends' for 5 months. Until I realised he was toxic for me. I have cut him out of my life now completely and am feeling stronger by the day.

 

Think how good you were doing in those 2 weeks where you didn't see him and things were calmer for you at home. Don't let him be a continual disappointment. If you can cut all ties in the fall then that is what you need to do in order to be free.

 

My xMM always gave me the silent treatment when I stood up to him or challenged him. Then ultimately I would end up apologising and saying don't hate me and he would come back saying it's ok just don't be emotional/dramatic/weird. I questioned everything I did (as you have done). It's just not worth the angst. It's about their ego. If you are not pandering to it then you will be it ignored.

 

Hey Grey, I also thought that 'something is better than nothing'. I couldn't imagine him not being in my life in any kind of form! But now I can't wait to be away from him. I really do hope that I'll be strong enough to block him from my life completely once I'm gone from here but I think I will be.

 

I always got the silent treatment too when I said something that he didn't like... And it could really be anything, most of the time I didn't even know what I said wrong, and this 'not knowing' was what drives me crazy the most... It's better to know what you did 'wrong' (even if you didn't do anything wrong) than this horrible silence!! And yes, the 'emotional/ dramatic/ weird' reply must be one of their favorites.... in combination with "I don't want a discussion!" or "Don't dredge up the past!" (whenever I tried to talk about what happened before a silent treatment) and "let's keep it nice, ok?"

 

I don't even feel normal anymore

[Chica80]

Midnight

 

Hang in there you are doing awesome.....you have accomplished so much, you're strong and smarter than you were 8 mo ago.

 

So far no actual visualization....had to pass by his office though. Feeling pretty good so far. Not gonna pump myself up. Just one step at a time. Not angry not sad. I just keep telling myself. Its not important anymore the whys the questions. I want to believe I'm worth more than I'm better than this than I have to act like it.

 

Also imperfect what you said about destroying his world.....when I'm really angry I think about that. I could I could destroy everything. That's just when the anger is there.....

 

I'm not gonna sit here and cry anymore why not me love me please...you can go ***k yourself (oh maybe a little anger) I'm better than that. Ladies WE ARE ALL BETTER THAN THAT

Edited August 10, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[ladydesigner]

I've done extensive thinking on this and I know what I saw in him a year ago, what drew me in. However a year later, I see it differently. For example, a year ago, I saw him as strong and now I see him as controlling and domineering - traits which I do not like.

 

A year ago I thought he did something different professionally, I thought we had business qualities in common. I thought he was interested in what I do. A year later I know he was handed a cushy job by his wife's family and he is sexist and believes my husband should take care of me financially. He only pretended to be interested in what I do, he was really only interested in me sexually. His terms of endearment for me - sweet girl, baby, good girl - are not fitting for me and I felt like his dog with the good girl.

 

He takes no responsibility for his health, finances, sexual dysfunction. Its all his wife's fault - she is fat, so he is overweight. She wastes money. She is not trying hard enough in the bedroom. That is not attractive to me. He also yells at her a lot and makes her cry. He's yelled at me a few times too now. Been mean and nasty. Not attractive.

 

So no, I know a relationship would not work. At this point it's my ego and pride and bonding from sexual acts which keep me tied to him and here on LS. I will say though the bonding from sex stuff has really faded as I've not even shook his hand since Dec. There has been zero contact.

 

How do I let go of ego and pride? I guess that is my problem.

 

Thank you for asking Lady Designer.

 

That dreaded word TIME and taking care of and focusing on YOU. You will also get to indifference, you just need to walk through this and get to the other side!

[ladydesigner]

Don't be scared of him. As ow we hold way more cards. All it takes is one phone call/text/email and we can expose the hell out of these @":!;&!:! You have way more control over things than you even realise.

 

I wish I could get angry at you and I was doing great. Until I saw him and melted. I wish I could make it to the anger phase but I went straight from missing him to "oh well he's where he wants to be". I didn't really get angry maybe I should

 

Yes you do!!! All the OW here do.

 

My WH continued his A underground with MOW for 2 more years while my WH made me believe we were in R... that was until the day she told me. I thanked her and spoke with her for well over an hour. She told me things about their relationship my WH would have NEVER told me. I believed her. She was devastated as I was devastated, but my WH's charade was up.

 

He actually had the nerve to say that HE felt betrayed that she blew his cover.

 

I hope MOW steers clear of anyone like my WH.

 

I am currently detached and in limbo so I am sort of indifferent to the whole situation now. I just focus on myself now and my kiddos for the most part!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes you do!!! All the OW here do.

 

My WH continued his A underground with MOW for 2 more years while my WH made me believe we were in R... that was until the day she told me. I thanked her and spoke with her for well over an hour. She told me things about their relationship my WH would have NEVER told me. I believed her. She was devastated as I was devastated, but my WH's charade was up.

 

He actually had the nerve to say that HE felt betrayed that she blew his cover.

 

I hope MOW steers clear of anyone like my WH.

 

I am currently detached and in limbo so I am sort of indifferent to the whole situation now. I just focus on myself now and my kiddos for the most part!

 

So many good posts. I was not sure who to directly reply to. I could really relate to what you wrote about your WH because that is exactly what xMM is doing to his wife. He does seem to struggle a bit but that is my perception based on what he says to me.

 

I don't understand what he is doing. He says he is trying to work on his marriage yet he is insistent on being friends, which I won't/can't do, he sends very inconsistent messages to me, following me around in person, etc. He sent me those friend emails the last few weeks, which I ignored. I had asked him 2 weeks ago what was going on, if he still loved me (it was a weak moment) and he said he couldn't answer that. Today, I am assuming because he thinks it will bring me back around, he wrote me that he did (love me) but he shouldn't. It really did not make me feel good. It was like saying, I really love smoking, but I shouldn't. I felt bad about myself, like somehow this was all my fault.

 

In any event, I am still not going to be his chipper friend. I am tired of feeling like this. I have no idea what his end game is as he is all over the place but I just want to be indifferent to him. I am not being his OW again, I'm certainly not looking to leave my H for him and I am not his friend. I just want a pill to forget it all happened. Mostly though, I hate feeling like this big dirty mistake he made. He was all into the I Love You till I caught him lying about the marriage counseling in June. Now suddenly he is the good husband.

[Chica80]

So we had our first interaction. He said hi. I just acknowledge and didn't say anything....so far so good...if I can stay emotionless then we r ok. Sadness anger or happiness sets me back to LC and starts cycle over....

 

Midnight I think the hardest thing for me is the being used part. I really don't like your MM. He tries to reel you in. He plays with you. Your emotions. The stronger you get the more he wants to pursue you. Only to break you down. It's like they can smell it.

It's not linear right I forget that too....there will be mixed emotions. Sometimes back to anger or back to sadness or even bargaining. But you got this!!!

[MidnightBlue1980]

So we had our first interaction. He said hi. I just acknowledge and didn't say anything....so far so good...if I can stay emotionless then we r ok. Sadness anger or happiness sets me back to LC and starts cycle over....

 

Midnight I think the hardest thing for me is the being used part. I really don't like your MM. He tries to reel you in. He plays with you. Your emotions. The stronger you get the more he wants to pursue you. Only to break you down. It's like they can smell it.

It's not linear right I forget that too....there will be mixed emotions. Sometimes back to anger or back to sadness or even bargaining. But you got this!!!

 

Good for you. I agree, say nothing whatsoever if you can do so. I debated replying to his text about loving me but he knows he shouldn't, but then I just deleted it. Well, first I forwarded it to this old email. I now save everything. Just in case.

 

I agree - any communication at all is just bad. Happy, sad, whatever. Anything sets one back.

 

Thank you for the support! I appreciate everyone's comments even if I cannot personally reply, plus who wants to read a dozen posts from me, about me. LOL

[Lobe]

I've done extensive thinking on this and I know what I saw in him a year ago, what drew me in. However a year later, I see it differently. For example, a year ago, I saw him as strong and now I see him as controlling and domineering - traits which I do not like.

 

Oh! I have to chime in on this point! I cant remember if I already said it or if someone else did but "flip flip" comes to mind. I think it's based on an exercise that came from "After the Affair."

 

So, you've heard the term that BSs use to describe the version of the WH's relationship with the BS as "rewriting the marriage history"? THIS is kind of what it's like. There's this magnification of the AP's "positive" qualities and the degradation of the BS's qualities to being expressed as absolute negatives (never or always.)

 

The AP hears this:

You understand me. My BS never understood me.

You're so sexy. I was never really attracted to my BS.

You take such good care of yourself. My BS never does anymore.

You accept me for who I really am. My BS never has.

You're the best lover I have ever had. My BS never liked sex.

You appreciate the gifts I give you. My BS never appreciates anything I do.

You're so carefree and easy to love. My BS puts so much pressure on me.

You never nag me. My wife always nags me.

(you get the idea.)

 

Here's the flip side of it:

The BS and the WS felt the same way about never knowing anyone who understood them so well when they first fell in love. They were obviously attracted enough to one another to get married (and have kids) and no matter how good you take care of your body, over the years we all start to age, sag, droop, wrinkle, gain or lose weight, go grey or bald, and while your AP is telling you that their BS never accepted them for who they are, it's they who are not accepting the BS for who they are now. And of course the AP is carefree and easy to love - they come with none of the responsibilities or baggage that make the BS such a downer!

 

Sex, well - that's an interesting one. Sexual compatibility falls off over the years for lots of reasons. In the early stages of infatuation there's time and energy and a need to bond so lots of sex happens. Then comes kids, chronic illness, stress, boredom in the bedroom, sexual dysfunction, lack of sex drive, lack of sexual attraction, coming out of the closet, you name it - which unless you married someone who was sexless in the first place falls under the changes that long-term relationships should work though or terminate the marriage over NOT start an affair to resolve.

 

I was particularly curious about my husband feeling like I didn't "appreciate" the things he did for me (like buy me booze because he bought himself a 6-pack even though we were already in the overdraft and I told him there was no money in the budget for drinks, but the xOW would ooze with gratitude when he bought her whiskey... with money we also did not have to spend...) and talked about with the xOW about how much I nagged him (to stop buying alcohol for both of us because we had a power bill due or whatever...) I also "nagged" him to spend time with us (the family) while he was in the A because even when he was at home, he would try and spend as much time as possible texting or talking on the phone with her, which meant he was more often than not hiding in another room where I could neither see his screen or hear him talking.

 

Because my WH still often drops absolutes (you always, you never) we've learned to identify those statements as opportunities to explore where the resentment grew from. For example, my husband in Year One of our R said, "You never make time for me, and you always make all the decisions."

 

Rewind to several years ago when WE made some risky financial decisions and the price we paid was me having to work more as I work freelance and can make more money than he can since he's on hourly wage and has set hours. I can literally make as much money as I want, provided I have no life. As I worked more and more to make ends meet, I had less and less time to cook and clean the house, to spend time with my family, to take holidays or create down time. He wouldn't come to me and say, "I miss you..." I was the one who usually went to him and said, "Let's go on a date or something."

 

Before he started the A, he would say, "Sure," but if I didn't set it up, it didn't happen - he expected me to do it because it's what I had always done. When I was busy, it would have been nice of him to create the space instead of putting one more thing on my plate when I was already spread so thin. Setting the date up showed HIM that I wanted to spend time with him but I wanted him to set it up sometimes so I didn't feel like I was the only one who cared. We didn't hate each other. In fact, we both loved each other and couldn't understand why we felt so hurt, rejected, and lonely. After the A started when I would ask him to do something, he would quite bitterly say, "Don't you have to work or something?" and eventually I stopped asking altogether.

 

Rewind even further, to when we first started dating - I was focussed (responsible), ambitious (too career driven), energetic (loud) and uptight (insomniac). I was the planner and organizer (controlling b*tch) who made things happen and got things done (made him feel inadequate.) He was spontaneous (irresponsible), soft-spoken (uncommunicative), patient (conflict avoidant), laid back (lazy), and perpetually late (disrespectful of my time). He was the yin to my yang (a complete assh*le) and invited me into his calm to slow down and trust everything would work out (found someone else who didn't remind him of real life.) We complemented one another, the quintessential example of how opposites attract. But like Midnight said, the very things that attracted us to one another became the things we resented.

 

In the process of R, it was hard to not focus all my hatred on the xOW. I didn't want to take responsibility for my inability to communicate what I really needed from WH and I didn't want to accept my husband was a lowlife cheating bastard. Better she be the succubus. Today we continue working through the absolutes and communicate our needs and feelings but I sure as hell wish it didn't take an affair to make us realize what we were about to lose. Statistically, more WSs reconcile with their BSs than those that divorce, and of those that do divorce, it is more likely the betrayed spouse who wants the divorce than the wayward. So what's the point of having the affair? To learn how much you don't want to lose your family?

 

Which all begs the question, why wasn't I just born a high-ranking bonobo?

[Grey Cloud]

Hey Grey, I also thought that 'something is better than nothing'. I couldn't imagine him not being in my life in any kind of form! But now I can't wait to be away from him. I really do hope that I'll be strong enough to block him from my life completely once I'm gone from here but I think I will be.

 

I always got the silent treatment too when I said something that he didn't like... And it could really be anything, most of the time I didn't even know what I said wrong, and this 'not knowing' was what drives me crazy the most... It's better to know what you did 'wrong' (even if you didn't do anything wrong) than this horrible silence!! And yes, the 'emotional/ dramatic/ weird' reply must be one of their favorites.... in combination with "I don't want a discussion!" or "Don't dredge up the past!" (whenever I tried to talk about what happened before a silent treatment) and "let's keep it nice, ok?"

 

I don't even feel normal anymore

 

Adoraxx - I also got the same thing from xMM about the past, he would say "I don't want to talk about the past", "the past is in the past" etc. He would get quite upset with me if I tried to talk about it. Why is that? They don't want a reminder they have been "bad"?. Because they have locked it away, compartmentalised and moved on??

[ladydesigner]

Adoraxx - I also got the same thing from xMM about the past, he would say "I don't want to talk about the past", "the past is in the past" etc. He would get quite upset with me if I tried to talk about it. Why is that? They don't want a reminder they have been "bad"?. Because they have locked it away, compartmentalised and moved on??

 

Lol these MM, they don't want to talk about the past with the OW, they also don't want to talk about the past with their BS. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this out of my WH's mouth

 

Many of them cannot accept responsibility for their actions which is why they like to rugsweep it.

[Grey Cloud]

Lol these MM, they don't want to talk about the past with the OW, they also don't want to talk about the past with their BS. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this out of my WH's mouth

 

Many of them cannot accept responsibility for their actions which is why they like to rugsweep it.

 

Interesting they say the same things to their BS. Maybe if they don't talk about it they can pretend in their own minds that it never happened. Live life in denial!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Interesting they say the same things to their BS. Maybe if they don't talk about it they can pretend in their own minds that it never happened. Live life in denial!

 

I had a trigger tonight, a reminder of why this all happened. My H has never had a job our whole marriage. He did take care of the kids, but things have been rough over the years. I've gotten laid off, we've have financial struggles but I alone have carried the burden, the last 2 years working a full time job and my own business on the side. It was during this time that I got involved with xMM and one of the qualities that attracted me was he had a job and I thought we had similar professional goals. Obviously I would later find out this was a huge misconception on my part, which he led me to believe of course. xMM was given the job by his wife's family and he has more ambition for a bowl of potato chips than a career.

 

But anyway, tonight my H picked a fight with me over money, my spending it on a few things I do for myself, woman things, hair, skin, etc. Is it cheap? No. But it makes no difference in whether we can pay our bills or not, honestly. Plus I use gift cards and so on. But he just fixates on these two things I like to do. I cannot just stop doing my hair. I said, how about you get a job and make some money? He is in the process of getting a job but I was let go from my regular job and have been working only on my home business for a few months. I said I am not going back to working 2 jobs again. He is going to get a job.

 

Sorry if this is off topic but I sit here alone, in my office, and I know, this is why I got involved with xMM, he looked like the opposite of my H. In a way, he is, not necessarily all good, mind you. And xMM does not even want me, he wants his W. No one wants me. Except my H of course, someone has to pay the bills I suppose.

[Anne5113]

I have also had the inability to get really angry. I have brief feelings of anger at times, over things he does or fails to do. Lately, when I feel angry, I soon think "What did you expect? This is the reality of who he is." And I think I then feel a tiny bit of indifference! I need reminders of what is real to see through his talk of the connection we share. In the past I thought these were well thought out lies to keep me hooked. Now, I see that he probably does believe what he says at the time because he seems perfectly fine slipping into small periods in his make believe world. I don't want to get pulled back in to what I have began to detach from. He's knows I will be moving soon, and it was no shock that he was full of "feelings" he wanted to share with me trying to ensure it wouldn't be the end of this that has worked well for him.

[Chica80]

I had a trigger tonight, a reminder of why this all happened. My H has never had a job our whole marriage. He did take care of the kids, but things have been rough over the years. I've gotten laid off, we've have financial struggles but I alone have carried the burden, the last 2 years working a full time job and my own business on the side. It was during this time that I got involved with xMM and one of the qualities that attracted me was he had a job and I thought we had similar professional goals. Obviously I would later find out this was a huge misconception on my part, which he led me to believe of course. xMM was given the job by his wife's family and he has more ambition for a bowl of potato chips than a career.

 

But anyway, tonight my H picked a fight with me over money, my spending it on a few things I do for myself, woman things, hair, skin, etc. Is it cheap? No. But it makes no difference in whether we can pay our bills or not, honestly. Plus I use gift cards and so on. But he just fixates on these two things I like to do. I cannot just stop doing my hair. I said, how about you get a job and make some money? He is in the process of getting a job but I was let go from my regular job and have been working only on my home business for a few months. I said I am not going back to working 2 jobs again. He is going to get a job.

 

Sorry if this is off topic but I sit here alone, in my office, and I know, this is why I got involved with xMM, he looked like the opposite of my H. In a way, he is, not necessarily all good, mind you. And xMM does not even want me, he wants his W. No one wants me. Except my H of course, someone has to pay the bills I suppose.

 

^^^^The bold makes me very sad

Isn't that mostly the reason? We want to love and be loved

 

You are processing a lot. It is so much emotions thoughts ups and downs. Craziness that doesn't make any sense. In the A we rewrite the hx w our BS. When it's over we rewrite it w the AP.

I find that truth is not always black and white sometimes more black sometimes more white and sometimes in the middle...

 

Are you in IC? or MC?

[MidnightBlue1980]

^^^^The bold makes me very sad

Isn't that mostly the reason? We want to love and be loved

 

You are processing a lot. It is so much emotions thoughts ups and downs. Craziness that doesn't make any sense. In the A we rewrite the hx w our BS. When it's over we rewrite it w the AP.

I find that truth is not always black and white sometimes more black sometimes more white and sometimes in the middle...

 

Are you in IC? or MC?

 

Thanks for responding. I went to IC for about 6 months but she felt she could not help me because I was still seeing xMM, not as in a relationship but in our weekly work thing. She actually was not a fan of MC and I will say I am not either. The reality is we have no money for that stuff.

 

I did feel like that for years, it is not easy, marriage and kids, money. It was a big burden to bear. Last night was a trigger as I realized why I went towards xMM. A year later though I am now aware of the trigger. I did nothing, just went to sleep in a different room. We did talk today. He has a lot of insecurity - over xMM but also over him returning to work, he fears being replaced by me, since I will be home. I can't relate as my big dream was never to be at home, but I reassured him no one is replacing him.

 

I did feel brought back in time last night and an odd side effect was I thought about last September, my H had discovered xMM existence and xMM stopped speaking to me for a month out of fear that his wife would find out. He dropped me completely. I brainwashed myself completely - xMM showed me who he was, yet I went back for 3 more months in the A as my H and I were having major issues, only to get dropped again when xMM told his wife end of December.

 

This guy showed me who he was a year ago and I just didn't see it. I was blind. For some reason it hit me last night and I thought, I should have kept on letting him ignore me.

 

Sorry this is a disjointed post.

[Ronnie33]

The fighting with my soon to be ex husband was always a trigger for me and what would send me right back in. My AP filled a void that was missing at home and had been for years. My ex was a good man but we had a lot of issues before we got married and they just got worse. What attracted me to my AP was he seemed the opposite of my husband. He was very calm and rarely got mad. My husband and I both have bad tempers and whisk fight constantly. I started to look at my husband like he was a child having a tantrum when he couldn't get his way and I lost respect for him. AP hated fighting and anything that went along with it and I craved that normalcy so much.

 

My affair was all based on an unhappy marriage, I never thought I would cheat but now I see how easy it happens.

[ladydesigner]

The fighting with my soon to be ex husband was always a trigger for me and what would send me right back in. My AP filled a void that was missing at home and had been for years. My ex was a good man but we had a lot of issues before we got married and they just got worse. What attracted me to my AP was he seemed the opposite of my husband. He was very calm and rarely got mad. My husband and I both have bad tempers and whisk fight constantly. I started to look at my husband like he was a child having a tantrum when he couldn't get his way and I lost respect for him. AP hated fighting and anything that went along with it and I craved that normalcy so much.

 

My affair was all based on an unhappy marriage, I never thought I would cheat but now I see how easy it happens.

 

I never thought I would either. Cheating is a bad coping skill. My cheating happened at a low point in my life, when I discovered my WH's first infidelity. I felt worthless. Enter co-worker who can tell my life was out of sorts and starts asking about my M. I went headfirst into an A.

[MidnightBlue1980]

The fighting with my soon to be ex husband was always a trigger for me and what would send me right back in. My AP filled a void that was missing at home and had been for years. My ex was a good man but we had a lot of issues before we got married and they just got worse. What attracted me to my AP was he seemed the opposite of my husband. He was very calm and rarely got mad. My husband and I both have bad tempers and whisk fight constantly. I started to look at my husband like he was a child having a tantrum when he couldn't get his way and I lost respect for him. AP hated fighting and anything that went along with it and I craved that normalcy so much.

 

My affair was all based on an unhappy marriage, I never thought I would cheat but now I see how easy it happens.

 

Yes. You understand. Different specifics but same situation. In my situation though, my MM was not a source of support. He was more interested in bashing his wife and I was a sounding board. At the time though, I was looking for support and love from any source. He was not special, we could have been anyone to each other.

 

Logically I know this but emotionally, it is hard.

[Ronnie33]

Since I can't admit anywhere else, I broke NC and spoke to him. I know, I know.

I hated the way we ended things and I needed a redo. I know closure is a joke and comes from within but i need to walk away from this feeling like we closed it. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous. I do want it over, I do. I know in 6 weeks when he gets married it's going to tear me apart and I'm terrified. That's why I know I have to end it now. I just hate it ending badly, especially because I'm going to miss him as a person more then the affair.

 

We are meeting tomorrow at lunch to say goodbye.

 

I'm making an appt with a therapist to get back on antidepressants.

 

What the hell has become of me.

[ladydesigner]

Since I can't admit anywhere else, I broke NC and spoke to him. I know, I know.

I hated the way we ended things and I needed a redo. I know closure is a joke and comes from within but i need to walk away from this feeling like we closed it. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous. I do want it over, I do. I know in 6 weeks when he gets married it's going to tear me apart and I'm terrified. That's why I know I have to end it now. I just hate it ending badly, especially because I'm going to miss him as a person more then the affair.

 

We are meeting tomorrow at lunch to say goodbye.

 

I'm making an appt with a therapist to get back on antidepressants.

 

What the hell has become of me.

 

Just be careful he doesn't try to reel you back in again. It is harder in person.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Since I can't admit anywhere else, I broke NC and spoke to him. I know, I know.

I hated the way we ended things and I needed a redo. I know closure is a joke and comes from within but i need to walk away from this feeling like we closed it. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous. I do want it over, I do. I know in 6 weeks when he gets married it's going to tear me apart and I'm terrified. That's why I know I have to end it now. I just hate it ending badly, especially because I'm going to miss him as a person more then the affair.

 

We are meeting tomorrow at lunch to say goodbye.

 

I'm making an appt with a therapist to get back on antidepressants.

 

What the hell has become of me.

 

You are not alone. If it makes you feel better, I texted him last night that I was not going to contact him anymore as I knew he was working on his marriage, I felt bad, etc and that I was going to leave (our mutual Place) as soon as I could. He responded today that he is fine, I should not feel bad at all and I should not leave. I did respond and say I had to leave and that I knew he was taking over my role, I had been waiting for him to tell me. No response.

 

It's an endless dance. You will be done with it when you are ready. I am getting closer but we've danced the "I am not going to contact you again and I am going to leave" so many times. I've said I was going to leave and so has he.

 

Just don't sleep with him Ronnie. You will set yourself way back. I think you should make a list of all the things you want to say so you have no regrets, so you know there were no misunderstandings. He is not married and you are divorced/divorcing, right? There is no reason in the world he cannot break it off. I ended an engagement 2 months before the wedding. I'm just saying. This is your chance. Don't grovel, bed or plead, but say, I'd like you to end your engagement to try something with me. Then you will know. I did it with xMM. I was very direct. So I know.

[Lobe]

I know closure is a joke and comes from within but i need to walk away from this feeling like we closed it.

 

Closure in an A is a bit of a unicorn, Ronnie. I've been reading these boards and the lingering questions are usually the same - why wasn't I enough? Why did you string me along? Do you still love me? Was I just a toy? Did any of this mean anything to you? The answers will hurt whether they are lies: "It's not that you're not enough I just can't because ~insert excuse about circumstance with wife and kids~ and ~insert something about misaligned stars or bad cosmic timing~, I didn't string you along and I want you to know I will always love you. You will mean more to me than you'll ever know and I hope you never forget what we had together..." or the truth: "No one could replace my wife - I married her, didn't I? Haven't left her yet, have I? I'm sorry, but I strung you along because you let me. I'm in love the way you make me feel but I'm not in love with YOU in the marrying forever after sort of way, and even though you weren't a toy, I knew nothing would ever come of our affair. I hate to say it, but I just didn't end it because I didn't want to stop feeling the way you make me feel. You're better off forgetting I ever existed."

 

The fact he's willing to meet with you means he isn't done and that means the door is still open. You may not get closure, but you could get the last word: Text him you changed your mind, that you have too much respect for yourself to go through the pain and agony of one last goodbye, and go black.

 

"Tis better to ignore than be ignored." ~Midnight, 2016

[imperfectangel]

Be careful. This is how MM got me back into the affair. I was so over it and literally the minute I saw him I just melted and everything id been annoyed at him for just disappeared. We were having sex before I even realised what was happening.

 

Can't you do it over the phone? It's not a risk id take again

[Lobe]

 

I texted him last night that I was not going to contact him anymore

He responded

I did respond

No response.

 

"Tis better to ignore than be ignored."