"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[imperfectangel]

no, honestly I don't want to hear about his family life either. He was always going on and on about upcoming vacations and this and that, and I just didn't even want to hear him mention her name to me. I just mentioned her name maybe once or twice , but he always got mad yet he was totally fine with mentioning her to me himself but ONLY when HE wanted to

 

Maybe it was something to do with guilt? If he's compartmentalising bringing her up might remind him what he's actually doing. Did he ever tell you why?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Maybe it was something to do with guilt? If he's compartmentalising bringing her up might remind him what he's actually doing. Did he ever tell you why?

 

While we were in the A, xMM would tell me about their relationship, all its problems and the million things he hated about her. Truthfully, I did not take his side in most of it, it was a lot of complaints about her not keeping the house clean enough, her spending too much money, her being overweight, her paying too much attention to their child over him, stuff like that.

 

For example, I heard this story a million times, how they had gone on vacation and she had booked the room and after the week, he found out it was $250 a night or something and he went off on her about the cost. He would yell at her a lot. First of all, I do not think that is a lot of money a night and second, if you ask someone to do something, you are giving up the right to complain or else do it yourself. I also would not want to be yelled at like a child by my husband.

 

Once the A ended though, I was very hurt by his behavior and he was suddenly back in his marriage and I wanted to hear nothing. All of a sudden, everything was different, now his wife did these cute things, and believe me, I want to hear none of it. Let him go pay a therapist to listen to his crap. I was a sounding board for far too long. It was only about him and his problems anyway.

 

Last night was a bad night for me. I just feel so stupid a lot. I was crying and crying. I have to see him tomorrow and I am dreading it.

[Adoraxx]

Maybe it was something to do with guilt? If he's compartmentalising bringing her up might remind him what he's actually doing. Did he ever tell you why?

 

Yes, I believe that this must be it, and on top of that she is obviously his dream woman and he just wants/ wanted to use someone for sex (me)

[Adoraxx]

 

Once the A ended though, I was very hurt by his behavior and he was suddenly back in his marriage and I wanted to hear nothing. All of a sudden, everything was different, now his wife did these cute things, and believe me, I want to hear none of it. Let him go pay a therapist to listen to his crap. I was a sounding board for far too long. It was only about him and his problems anyway.

 

Last night was a bad night for me. I just feel so stupid a lot. I was crying and crying. I have to see him tomorrow and I am dreading it.

 

Hmmm... now that you're mentioning it, in the very beginning he used to mention W here and there, just a simple: "ugh she is working so much and I never have someone to talk to when I come home!!!" or "she once threw a pan at me" ( he only mumbled this real quickly one time)

 

Obviously it's no where as near to what your xMM told you about his W, but briefly after that, he stopped saying unkind things about her and all was good with them.

 

Also, one day she showed me a nice bracelet and xMM had given it to her and she told someone that xMM & she normally never give gifts to each other anymore... Interesting how the day before he went to buy the bracelet, he had sex with ME.

 

To this day they're still buying each other gifts. He is such a good family man now ;/

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a bad night, Midnight. I really wish you wouldn't have to see him tomorrow!! Can you possibly call in sick? Is tomorrow the only day of the week where you have to see him? Is it possible for you to leave this job any sooner than this Fall ?? I know it's really hard for you to see him... How many people will be in the room? Maybe you can keep someone nearby at all times and keep busy talking to this person?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hmmm... now that you're mentioning it, in the very beginning he used to mention W here and there, just a simple: "ugh she is working so much and I never have someone to talk to when I come home!!!" or "she once threw a pan at me" ( he only mumbled this real quickly one time)

 

Obviously it's no where as near to what your xMM told you about his W, but briefly after that, he stopped saying unkind things about her and all was good with them.

 

Also, one day she showed me a nice bracelet and xMM had given it to her and she told someone that xMM & she normally never give gifts to each other anymore... Interesting how the day before he went to buy the bracelet, he had sex with ME.

 

To this day they're still buying each other gifts. He is such a good family man now ;/

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a bad night, Midnight. I really wish you wouldn't have to see him tomorrow!! Can you possibly call in sick? Is tomorrow the only day of the week where you have to see him? Is it possible for you to leave this job any sooner than this Fall ?? I know it's really hard for you to see him... How many people will be in the room? Maybe you can keep someone nearby at all times and keep busy talking to this person?

 

It's not exactly a job. I have my own business and its something we both participate in for our businesses. I get business from it so I can't just leave. He could though. It's not his business and he is not sales. He will never leave though.

 

I only see him once a week, yes. I am on the board, so I cannot call in sick, and tomorrow there is an additional meeting after the big meeting, so I will be at a table with him and 7 other people, which I am dreading. The actual big meeting will be about 30 people so I do not need to interact with him but he does tend to come right up to me. I can and do intend to ignore him as much as possible.

 

Come 45 days from now my term is up and I will have a lot less interaction with him. It will be better. I can also start looking around for different business opportunities and eventually leave.

 

I was talking about this today with H as he was with me as I was crying last night. It is obviously very weird for him. He does not think I should feel stupid and other people who know say that as well. I just can't shake this feeling that I have improved his life, like now it's all better. When I got with him, his marriage was miserable and now I feel like it's all better, like now he appreciates his life. She's having sex with him now, doing the sexual things he wants, he sees me as this big mistake he made during a bad time in their marriage and so on. Life's great for him now!

 

It makes me feel really bad about myself. Collateral damage. He was over me the second it ended. All his I love yous - BS.

 

I will admit, this is obviously my perspective and no one agrees with me, that he is happy now. I just feel like that as I see him and he looks happy. People say, it's an act. I don't know. I do not think he is that deep, I think he's happy, back in his Hobbit hole with his wife. Before she was overweight and unattractive but now she's kissing his a*s, as she knows someone else wanted him, and he's as happy as a pig in sh*t.

 

I wish I could just let this part go and not care. After all, my life is better, my marriage is improved. Why do I care and feel stupid?

 

At least I can say I do not sit around missing him. That is major progress. If I could get past that, maybe I can get past this.

 

Sorry for the pity party.

[Ronnie33]

Sorry, I know I've been missing for a few days.

 

I couldn't do it on Friday, I couldn't see him and say goodbye. I canceled. He said it doesn't have to be goodbye and we could just meet but I told him I was busy and I'll let him know when I'm ready.

 

Today I went to the doctor and got put on antidepressants. Telling him that I had been having a 3 year affair was so humiliating. I hope the meds work, I was on them in my past for 10 years and they really helped so I'm hoping they do again this time.

 

Last night I went on a rampage of looking at pics of AP's fiance and comparing myself. She is very attractive but we are total opposites. I'm a redhead and she's brunette. I'm average height and she's tall. She's Spanish and I'm white. Total opposites. Yet I can't stop looking and thinking what was so much better about her then me.

 

It's so draining mentally, I just wish I could take a pill and forget it all.

[imperfectangel]

I will admit, this is obviously my perspective and no one agrees with me, that he is happy now. I just feel like that as I see him and he looks happy. People say, it's an act. I don't know. I do not think he is that deep, I think he's happy, back in his Hobbit hole with his wife. Before she was overweight and unattractive but now she's kissing his a*s, as she knows someone else wanted him, and he's as happy as a pig in sh*t.

 

I wish I could just let this part go and not care. After all, my life is better, my marriage is improved. Why do I care and feel stupid?

 

At least I can say I do not sit around missing him. That is major progress. If I could get past that, maybe I can get past this.

 

Sorry for the pity party.

 

I may sound naive but believe those people. When I first saw my mm w's fb I was pissed all these happy family pictures I was literally nearly sick but after I'd calmed down I looked again and even my friend said it before me, he doesn't look that happy. I'm not saying he isn't content - that's not my call. But the smile is meh. When people are genuinely happy they smile in their eyes etc all that is missing.

 

If other people are saying that your mm isn't happy then he probably isn't. He may be content but content and happy arent the same thing

 

For myself I'm working on being content for now

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sorry, I know I've been missing for a few days.

 

I couldn't do it on Friday, I couldn't see him and say goodbye. I canceled. He said it doesn't have to be goodbye and we could just meet but I told him I was busy and I'll let him know when I'm ready.

 

Today I went to the doctor and got put on antidepressants. Telling him that I had been having a 3 year affair was so humiliating. I hope the meds work, I was on them in my past for 10 years and they really helped so I'm hoping they do again this time.

 

Last night I went on a rampage of looking at pics of AP's fiance and comparing myself. She is very attractive but we are total opposites. I'm a redhead and she's brunette. I'm average height and she's tall. She's Spanish and I'm white. Total opposites. Yet I can't stop looking and thinking what was so much better about her then me.

 

It's so draining mentally, I just wish I could take a pill and forget it all.

 

You made the right decision. In no way would you feel any better, you'd feel good for maybe 12 hours and then crash. My advice would be to never see him again, just go dark. I went on meds for a while. It did help as they help you with the "in love" feelings. They numbed me out though, so after a few months I stopped. Unless you have a chemical imbalance and need them, eventually I believe we need to face our demons and conquer them. It was time for me.

 

I've done the compare thing too. It will drive you crazy. She is not necessarily better than you. Just different. Is he Spanish too? Maybe he needs to marry someone of a similar background.

 

I'm wasting another day with a huge headache because I see him tomorrow. I have so much to do too.

[imperfectangel]

Sorry, I know I've been missing for a few days.

 

I couldn't do it on Friday, I couldn't see him and say goodbye. I canceled. He said it doesn't have to be goodbye and we could just meet but I told him I was busy and I'll let him know when I'm ready.

 

Today I went to the doctor and got put on antidepressants. Telling him that I had been having a 3 year affair was so humiliating. I hope the meds work, I was on them in my past for 10 years and they really helped so I'm hoping they do again this time.

 

Last night I went on a rampage of looking at pics of AP's fiance and comparing myself. She is very attractive but we are total opposites. I'm a redhead and she's brunette. I'm average height and she's tall. She's Spanish and I'm white. Total opposites. Yet I can't stop looking and thinking what was so much better about her then me.

 

It's so draining mentally, I just wish I could take a pill and forget it all.

 

Just remember those meds can make you feel worse before you start to feel better so don't give up!!! Glad to hear from you, I actually find it strange that people in affairs like to meet up to say bye. I don't know about you but in a normal relationship I wouldn't do that unless it was to give/get stuff back from the other party.

 

Time to focus on you now and what you want and need

[Ronnie33]

You made the right decision. In no way would you feel any better, you'd feel good for maybe 12 hours and then crash. My advice would be to never see him again, just go dark. I went on meds for a while. It did help as they help you with the "in love" feelings. They numbed me out though, so after a few months I stopped. Unless you have a chemical imbalance and need them, eventually I believe we need to face our demons and conquer them. It was time for me.

 

I've done the compare thing too. It will drive you crazy. She is not necessarily better than you. Just different. Is he Spanish too? Maybe he needs to marry someone of a similar background.

 

I'm wasting another day with a huge headache because I see him tomorrow. I have so much to do too.

 

No, he's white. We are both from similair backgrounds, both grew up in similar places, and both ended up where we are now at the same time. She is from another country and moved here 15 years ago. I guess opposites attract even though he always told me he felt like he knew me his whole life.

[Ronnie33]

I've been on and off meds once I'm 13. Mental illness runs high on my moms side and I got passed the branch too lol. My mom always said I was such a fighter because no matter how bad the depression got I always fought like hell to come back. I shake my head and laugh now because after everything, this affair is what is getting the best of me. Pathetic.

[MidnightBlue1980]

No, he's white. We are both from similair backgrounds, both grew up in similar places, and both ended up where we are now at the same time. She is from another country and moved here 15 years ago. I guess opposites attract even though he always told me he felt like he knew me his whole life.

 

Maybe she kisses his a*s, is subservient, cooks, cleans, etc. The little woman.

 

About saying goodbye - I hope you do not feel bad at all. Let me assure you, if she found out, you would not get a goodbye from him. These guys, they kick us to the curb so fast when they are busted, you would not believe it. I did not believe it. But it happens. You owe him nothing.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've been on and off meds once I'm 13. Mental illness runs high on my moms side and I got passed the branch too lol. My mom always said I was such a fighter because no matter how bad the depression got I always fought like hell to come back. I shake my head and laugh now because after everything, this affair is what is getting the best of me. Pathetic.

 

It gets us all. People commit suicide over these things. They are truly hell to get out of. Don't undercut yourself. There is nothing pathetic about getting help, fixing your life, getting better. That is what winners do. Pathetic is jumping off a building for some married guy who could care less about us.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I may sound naive but believe those people. When I first saw my mm w's fb I was pissed all these happy family pictures I was literally nearly sick but after I'd calmed down I looked again and even my friend said it before me, he doesn't look that happy. I'm not saying he isn't content - that's not my call. But the smile is meh. When people are genuinely happy they smile in their eyes etc all that is missing.

 

If other people are saying that your mm isn't happy then he probably isn't. He may be content but content and happy arent the same thing

 

For myself I'm working on being content for now

 

You are right. He is content. Probably not happy. I actually have him blocked on FB so I don't see anything, I only see him once a week and he is always happy, but it could be because I know seeing me makes him happy. He always told me that and I do believe it. I used to think it meant something more, but it doesn't. Just that little time seeing me adds something to his life. I know this is why he was emailing me a lot to try and convince me not to leave in the fall/winter.

 

Tomorrow I plan to make sure he gets zero pleasure from seeing me. I plan to not utter one word to him or look him in the eye at all. I know (because he told me) that it kills him when I do that. It's all I have. It will be like, he is not in front of me.

 

I told my kids, never tell anyone what really bothers you.

[Ronnie33]

It's not exactly a job. I have my own business and its something we both participate in for our businesses. I get business from it so I can't just leave. He could though. It's not his business and he is not sales. He will never leave though.

 

I only see him once a week, yes. I am on the board, so I cannot call in sick, and tomorrow there is an additional meeting after the big meeting, so I will be at a table with him and 7 other people, which I am dreading. The actual big meeting will be about 30 people so I do not need to interact with him but he does tend to come right up to me. I can and do intend to ignore him as much as possible.

 

Come 45 days from now my term is up and I will have a lot less interaction with him. It will be better. I can also start looking around for different business opportunities and eventually leave.

I was talking about this today with H as he was with me as I was crying last night. It is obviously very weird for him. He does not think I should feel stupid and other people who know say that as well. I just can't shake this feeling that I have improved his life, like now it's all better. When I got with him, his marriage was miserable and now I feel like it's all better, like now he appreciates his life. She's having sex with him now, doing the sexual things he wants, he sees me as this big mistake he made during a bad time in their marriage and so on. Life's great for him now!

 

It makes me feel really bad about myself. Collateral damage. He was over me the second it ended. All his I love yous - BS.

 

I will admit, this is obviously my perspective and no one agrees with me, that he is happy now. I just feel like that as I see him and he looks happy. People say, it's an act. I don't know. I do not think he is that deep, I think he's happy, back in his Hobbit hole with his wife. Before she was overweight and unattractive but now she's kissing his a*s, as she knows someone else wanted him, and he's as happy as a pig in sh*t.

 

I wish I could just let this part go and not care. After all, my life is better, my marriage is improved. Why do I care and feel stupid?

 

At least I can say I do not sit around missing him. That is major progress. If I could get past that, maybe I can get past this.

 

Sorry for the pity party.

 

The bolded is exactly how I feel. Now his life is perfect, mine is a mess.

[imperfectangel]

I feel so bad for you MB there's no way I could handle being that close to mm on such a regular basis. Please let us know how you get on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

The bolded is exactly how I feel. Now his life is perfect, mine is a mess.

 

Well, I could say his is not perfect, he's involved with someone while he is about to be married in 2 weeks. But the reality is, I read it here several times, men get into this things having no intention of leaving their wife (in your case fiance') and when it ends, they are disappointed and sad (some anyway, the ones with feelings) but they bounce back because they never really expected it to last.

 

It was like a summer beach vacation. It was fun while it lasted but back to work. They were not going to quit their jobs and be like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. There is fun and there is reality. OW = fun. Wife = reality.

 

It took me so long to get to that understanding. So many months. It makes sense now why he seems okay. He is okay.

 

Still, it is a bad sign for your guys's impending marriage. A really bad sign. 100% he will stray again. Don't be there when he comes a knocking.

 

It's time to get your life together and take care of YOU now.

 

I could be writing this to myself.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I feel so bad for you MB there's no way I could handle being that close to mm on such a regular basis. Please let us know how you get on.

 

Thank you. You all really help me. You don't know. I know I am doing an unconventional thing by not having left back in December. I am going to leave though - but I will not leave because of him. I will leave for a better opportunity on my own timetable. My H is right about that.

 

Seeing him weekly has been brutal. The upside is I see the truth though. I honestly believe now that he was never really as vested as I was during the A and once it ended, he could care less about me. He came back in May because as he put it, his W felt more secure now since they entered counseling and he gave it up finally. He missed my attention and was looking to see if I was open to something again. When he saw I was not, he again lost interest. I truly believe he only was contacting me because while he is not interested now, he does not actually want me to 100% go away. He does not know what the future holds for him.

 

If I had run in December, I would be like some people who post here, they have not seen their MM or MW in years but still pine for them. I see him for who he is now.

 

I cannot imagine 11 years Angel.

[Ronnie33]

Well, I could say his is not perfect, he's involved with someone while he is about to be married in 2 weeks. But the reality is, I read it here several times, men get into this things having no intention of leaving their wife (in your case fiance') and when it ends, they are disappointed and sad (some anyway, the ones with feelings) but they bounce back because they never really expected it to last.

 

It was like a summer beach vacation. It was fun while it lasted but back to work. They were not going to quit their jobs and be like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. There is fun and there is reality. OW = fun. Wife = reality.

 

It took me so long to get to that understanding. So many months. It makes sense now why he seems okay. He is okay.

 

Still, it is a bad sign for your guys's impending marriage. A really bad sign. 100% he will stray again. Don't be there when he comes a knocking.

 

It's time to get your life together and take care of YOU now.

 

I could be writing this to myself.

 

When this started he had only been seeing her a few months and didn't even want to call her his gf. He was in love with me then. This is why it's so hard for me to wrap my head around. I don't think he would cheat on her again. Like I said before, he wanted me first so it didn't even feel like he was cheating because he loved me first.

 

That obviously got me nowhere lol

[imperfectangel]

Yeah it sucks. It feels like forever BUT I think you're right. Because we don't physically see each other that often it's much easier for us to be on our best behaviour when we do. You have had a chance to see your mm for what he is. I have not. I have time to romantise my mm, he is always dressed nice, always show ever fresh etc in reality I know he can't be and her fb shows this tbh.

 

It's very easy to fake being a certain type of person, the nice type of person I think everyone wants to portray for a hour every so often. It's easy to construct nice emails when you have unlimited time to think of a nice response etc in real life you don't have that luxury.

[Chica80]

Today 10 days NC. (Except for seeing him at wrk, but did not talk to him).....this same time last year I went totally NC. He text me after two weeks.......

 

Ronnie don't give up. You did great on fri. MB sorry you are having such a rough time.

[Lostgirl186]

Just checking in- I tried to read back and catch up, still flipping thru posts. To update here- if you remember he was gone a week with family and then on a work trip the second week. He had mentioned me traveling to his hotel that second week and I didn't go- that's kind of where I dropped off of here. We ended up having phone sex during that week, about three weeks ago. Went back to "I'm going to be good we aren't going to fool around" the next day, and he alternates daily between completely ignoring my texts to responding to the occasional one. Up until Friday. There was flirtation all day Friday between us thru text- and then this morning back to ignoring me. So I call him out on it and his response is "I'm still sticking to being good." I told him that it was sad be couldn't admit that he was conflicted between being good and wanting to fool around. I told him if I were standing in front of him naked right now he knew he wouldn't tell me no. His reply was "I'm happy and I'm not planning on doing anything I don't know what else to tell you." I might mention he took a tenth anniversary trip with wife last week. He's so distant and rude towards me and I can't for the life of me make myself stop bc i want him so damn bad. This is going to kill me if I don't stop contacting him. I know now that he won't contact me if I stop- I'm just making a fool out of myself and I guess knowing he's over me is why I can't stop. I am in one of the worst places mentally I have ever been in my life.

[ladydesigner]

Just checking in- I tried to read back and catch up, still flipping thru posts. To update here- if you remember he was gone a week with family and then on a work trip the second week. He had mentioned me traveling to his hotel that second week and I didn't go- that's kind of where I dropped off of here. We ended up having phone sex during that week, about three weeks ago. Went back to "I'm going to be good we aren't going to fool around" the next day, and he alternates daily between completely ignoring my texts to responding to the occasional one. Up until Friday. There was flirtation all day Friday between us thru text- and then this morning back to ignoring me. So I call him out on it and his response is "I'm still sticking to being good." I told him that it was sad be couldn't admit that he was conflicted between being good and wanting to fool around. I told him if I were standing in front of him naked right now he knew he wouldn't tell me no. His reply was "I'm happy and I'm not planning on doing anything I don't know what else to tell you." I might mention he took a tenth anniversary trip with wife last week. He's so distant and rude towards me and I can't for the life of me make myself stop bc i want him so damn bad. This is going to kill me if I don't stop contacting him. I know now that he won't contact me if I stop- I'm just making a fool out of myself and I guess knowing he's over me is why I can't stop. I am in one of the worst places mentally I have ever been in my life.

 

So he reels you in for the phone sex and then backs off after he gets it. Don't let this man toy with your life anymore. The more I read about these types of MM the more I want to go off and kick them all in the nards!

 

Go NC sweetie. Today. For You!

[Lostgirl186]

So he reels you in for the phone sex and then backs off after he gets it. Don't let this man toy with your life anymore. The more I read about these types of MM the more I want to go off and kick them all in the nards!

 

Go NC sweetie. Today. For You!

 

Thank you. This has been an ongoing battle for me.. My head knows I'm an idiot and that i have to stop bc he's satisfied either way- if I drop off the face of the earth he's gotten rid of me, if I don't he gets the ego boost. Why the hell is it so easy for these stereotypical MM to drop us like a bad habit while it eats us alive?

[Outofmysystem]

This thread moves pretty fast......I check in and it's another 3 pages deep from where I left off, lol.....

 

Blue, to answer, yes, I miss her.....and that.....and it's not because she was perfect, or a super model or anything like what the stereotype or media would tell you is what's perfect. In fact, what she perceived as "flaws" by herself, or her x-husband, I thought was sexy and very attractive. The thing is, in my opinion, is I'm simple, I think most guys are simple....compliment me, be affectionate and appreciative......she did that all the way till the end, and of course, her reaction and ability to relax and orgasm almost at will with me is very ego boosting for a guy....so much so it really is the most addictive drug I have ever had. That's a very difficult thing to have to let go especially when it's not your choice. She controlled everything at the end, that too is difficult because she didn't have to do it the way she's done it.