"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Grey Cloud]

Just checking in- I tried to read back and catch up, still flipping thru posts. To update here- if you remember he was gone a week with family and then on a work trip the second week. He had mentioned me traveling to his hotel that second week and I didn't go- that's kind of where I dropped off of here. We ended up having phone sex during that week, about three weeks ago. Went back to "I'm going to be good we aren't going to fool around" the next day, and he alternates daily between completely ignoring my texts to responding to the occasional one. Up until Friday. There was flirtation all day Friday between us thru text- and then this morning back to ignoring me. So I call him out on it and his response is "I'm still sticking to being good." I told him that it was sad be couldn't admit that he was conflicted between being good and wanting to fool around. I told him if I were standing in front of him naked right now he knew he wouldn't tell me no. His reply was "I'm happy and I'm not planning on doing anything I don't know what else to tell you." I might mention he took a tenth anniversary trip with wife last week. He's so distant and rude towards me and I can't for the life of me make myself stop bc i want him so damn bad. This is going to kill me if I don't stop contacting him. I know now that he won't contact me if I stop- I'm just making a fool out of myself and I guess knowing he's over me is why I can't stop. I am in one of the worst places mentally I have ever been in my life.

 

Ugh - kick him to the curb Lost! This is not good for your sanity. Of course he would pounce on you if you were standing in front of him naked but the issue is he is trying to convince himself in between that he is a devoted, loyal, committed husband and family man. He knows you want him and plays on that. The days he flirts with you he is horny. It has nothing to do with anything else. And so the cycle continues.

 

He has told you he is happy where he is. Now it's time to disappear. The only person you need to worry about is YOU. Take back your life. This is not healthy for your mental state and the only way you will get stronger is to remove yourself from the horrible push/pull game. You can do it!

[Ronnie33]

Lost...this guy sounds like such an asshat. What is the attraction? He is one of the worst sound in MM there is.

[Lostgirl186]

Lost...this guy sounds like such an asshat. What is the attraction? He is one of the worst sound in MM there is.

 

I don't know what it is about him.. Obviously is started physical as he is very attractive. I don't know what it is now- I can't even explain the hold - I asked today was he afraid of we hooked up again he was going to catch feelings or something. Of course he avoids those question like the plague

[MidnightBlue1980]

Just checking in- I tried to read back and catch up, still flipping thru posts. To update here- if you remember he was gone a week with family and then on a work trip the second week. He had mentioned me traveling to his hotel that second week and I didn't go- that's kind of where I dropped off of here. We ended up having phone sex during that week, about three weeks ago. Went back to "I'm going to be good we aren't going to fool around" the next day, and he alternates daily between completely ignoring my texts to responding to the occasional one. Up until Friday. There was flirtation all day Friday between us thru text- and then this morning back to ignoring me. So I call him out on it and his response is "I'm still sticking to being good." I told him that it was sad be couldn't admit that he was conflicted between being good and wanting to fool around. I told him if I were standing in front of him naked right now he knew he wouldn't tell me no. His reply was "I'm happy and I'm not planning on doing anything I don't know what else to tell you." I might mention he took a tenth anniversary trip with wife last week. He's so distant and rude towards me and I can't for the life of me make myself stop bc i want him so damn bad. This is going to kill me if I don't stop contacting him. I know now that he won't contact me if I stop- I'm just making a fool out of myself and I guess knowing he's over me is why I can't stop. I am in one of the worst places mentally I have ever been in my life.

 

Okay. I 100% relate to you and I could have written this post, not sure if you read all the posts, probably not, but I assure you that you are not alone in feeling like you are making a fool of yourself, not being able to stop, etc. My xMM is acting exactly like yours - I swear my heart skipped a beat when I read your line that he said he was being "good". That is the word xMM uses and it makes me feel like I am the devil with the apple.

 

Since I am basically going through the same thing only I am two days future you - just draw a line in the sand and stop right now. I'm telling you, at first you won't feel different but 24 hours later, you will feel a bit better, 48 -a bit more and so on.

 

For what it is worth, your post made me feel less alone. I'm with you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Lost...this guy sounds like such an asshat. What is the attraction? He is one of the worst sound in MM there is.

 

He sounds like xMM's twin. And the attraction is the push pull. It's very difficult to break.

 

I decided today that I'd going to do it though.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Today 10 days NC. (Except for seeing him at wrk, but did not talk to him).....this same time last year I went totally NC. He text me after two weeks.......

 

Ronnie don't give up. You did great on fri. MB sorry you are having such a rough time.

 

Good for you Sunshine!!!

 

I have a plan for tomorrow. My H is going to wait outside the meeting and park next to his car and stand outside with the kids, make xMM uncomfortable. It's hardly dramatic but it's the best we can do.

 

I decided that I cannot control my feelings for xMM but I can control my thoughts and actions. I'm done being a victim and letting xMM manipulate me and control me. I'm done being sad over someone who could give two craps about me.

 

Come on ladies! Rise up and let's stop letting these guys do this to us - and their wives. Let's not participate in it anymore. We are better than that.

 

 

Watch this. It is very inspirational.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This thread moves pretty fast......I check in and it's another 3 pages deep from where I left off, lol.....

 

Blue, to answer, yes, I miss her.....and that.....and it's not because she was perfect, or a super model or anything like what the stereotype or media would tell you is what's perfect. In fact, what she perceived as "flaws" by herself, or her x-husband, I thought was sexy and very attractive. The thing is, in my opinion, is I'm simple, I think most guys are simple....compliment me, be affectionate and appreciative......she did that all the way till the end, and of course, her reaction and ability to relax and orgasm almost at will with me is very ego boosting for a guy....so much so it really is the most addictive drug I have ever had. That's a very difficult thing to have to let go especially when it's not your choice. She controlled everything at the end, that too is difficult because she didn't have to do it the way she's done it.

 

Well Out....come on, she got divorced. She lost. You chose your wife. You have to see that. You sound like a nice guy, nothing like that guy I had the misfortune of meeting but you must see that she obviously loves you. Love and hate are the same. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. It is very difficult for us to lose the men we love.

[Adoraxx]

I just can't shake this feeling that I have improved his life, like now it's all better. When I got with him, his marriage was miserable and now I feel like it's all better, like now he appreciates his life. She's having sex with him now, doing the sexual things he wants, he sees me as this big mistake he made during a bad time in their marriage and so on. Life's great for him now!

 

It makes me feel really bad about myself. Collateral damage. He was over me the second it ended. All his I love yous - BS.

 

I will admit, this is obviously my perspective and no one agrees with me, that he is happy now. I just feel like that as I see him and he looks happy. People say, it's an act. I don't know. I do not think he is that deep, I think he's happy, back in his Hobbit hole with his wife. Before she was overweight and unattractive but now she's kissing his a*s, as she knows someone else wanted him, and he's as happy as a pig in sh*t.

 

@Midnight, this is how it feels for me too

[Chica80]

I don't know what it is about him.. Obviously is started physical as he is very attractive. I don't know what it is now- I can't even explain the hold - I asked today was he afraid of we hooked up again he was going to catch feelings or something. Of course he avoids those question like the plague

 

LOST!! Welcome back! He avoids answering you because he's not going to tell you he just uses you when he wants to get off....

[Dancewithme]

"Come on ladies! Rise up and let's stop letting these guys do this to us - and their wives. Let's not participate in it anymore. We are better than that."--- Midnight Blue

 

True that, MB! No guy can do "this" to you if you aren't a willing participant.

 

"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul! "--- "Invictus", William Ernest Henley. Say this quote to yourself every chance you get until you live it. Good luck!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hello thread-readers. So I stuck to my word and did not speak to him during the big meeting or the second meeting, where I was literally at a round table with him. I did not even look at him or meet his eyes at all. I acted as if he was not there, going so far to say his name in the third person when I had to but still not looking or gesturing at him.

 

I have no idea if it bothered him, since I did not look. Knowing him though, it did. But wait there's more.

 

As we were leaving, he was hanging back to probably say something to me. But lo and behold, my H and kids were right outside the door when we all walked out. Surprise! H said xMM just stared at the ground and ran to his car. H had parked next to it and really close so he said xMM had a hard time opening the door and had to squeeze in.

 

This is a big shift for me as prior to this, I did not want H to come by, the truth is - I was protecting xMM's feelings over my H's. And I guess there was that part of me holding on, you know, that hope based on the belief that deep down xMM loves you. He must right? I mean, otherwise it means that it was all............just a fun game for him.

 

But I've had a lot of awakenings lately, xMM, H, my own life. I believe now that I was just a toy to xMM and he would easily continue to play with me when he wanted to, not caring a wit about me. And I not only allowed it - I sought it out like some drug addict addicted to pain.

 

Tuesdays are usually bad days in my house but today H was happy as he feels like we are a team against xMM. It is a shift. I am not sure what I feel. I am not a mean person, but I don't feel bad because xMM lied to me about considering to leave meanwhile he told them in July that he would take my position, so he's not going anywhere. He doesn't care about me. I don't care about him.

 

I feel something though. Its a negative feeling, I can't define it. I did read the posts on my other thread and I am going to start looking around to make a move, I don't want to feel like this a year from now.

[imperfectangel]

Good for you mb!!! I bet it killed him but you know what he deserves it ALL!!!

 

I had to lol when you said mm ran to his car! Wow what a man! His w has a real catch there! Haha

 

I hope you won't be dreading next week - you've shown him exactly who's in charge here and that he doesn't have a hold on you anymore! Keep it up!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Good for you mb!!! I bet it killed him but you know what he deserves it ALL!!!

 

I had to lol when you said mm ran to his car! Wow what a man! His w has a real catch there! Haha

 

I hope you won't be dreading next week - you've shown him exactly who's in charge here and that he doesn't have a hold on you anymore! Keep it up!

 

Thank you! I like that. I felt somewhat "blank" today but I like the idea of him not having a hold on me. It is a good thought.

[imperfectangel]

I know you still have feeling s but he doesn't have to know that.

 

Different situation but I had to confront someone a few years ago over something I was really scared but I was determined to not let them know that I was intimidated and it worked!

 

As they say fake it til you make it!

 

I'd even make sure your h is there every week now rub it in his face while you can that you and your h are a united force not to be messed with!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I know you still have feeling s but he doesn't have to know that.

 

Different situation but I had to confront someone a few years ago over something I was really scared but I was determined to not let them know that I was intimidated and it worked!

 

As they say fake it til you make it!

 

I'd even make sure your h is there every week now rub it in his face while you can that you and your h are a united force not to be messed with!

 

For a long time, I showed I had feelings because (to be honest) I still held that hope and if I stopped showing interest, he may figure I didn't care. Look where that got me. Silly me, he never cared.

 

Reading all these posts, and the ones by the guys, I see now how women view an A as one thing, and men, another. It really is just fun and sex for most men. I say most because I do see some of the guys here are like us. But most are not.

[Lostgirl186]

Of feeling this way.. Of wanting someone who doesn't give two ****s about me. Today he said he is "very selfish and never said he had changed his mind on his current stance" when I told him that he bounced back and forth bc of all the flirting this past Friday. In his perfect world, I just disappear and he can pretend nothing ever happened. Originally, I wanted to prove to him that he wouldn't be ok without me... I thought deep down in my mind that if I disappeared he would miss me and eventually admit that or even contact me for a change. I know now that's not true, and I know that's why I have trouble letting go. How can someone who has seen the parts of you that no one knew existed (sexual personality that he hides) be so disposable to you after two years... Maybe it would be easier if I knew he would miss me, but how do i move on knowing he doesn't care

[Ronnie33]

Of feeling this way.. Of wanting someone who doesn't give two ****s about me. Today he said he is "very selfish and never said he had changed his mind on his current stance" when I told him that he bounced back and forth bc of all the flirting this past Friday. In his perfect world, I just disappear and he can pretend nothing ever happened. Originally, I wanted to prove to him that he wouldn't be ok without me... I thought deep down in my mind that if I disappeared he would miss me and eventually admit that or even contact me for a change. I know now that's not true, and I know that's why I have trouble letting go. How can someone who has seen the parts of you that no one knew existed (sexual personality that he hides) be so disposable to you after two years... Maybe it would be easier if I knew he would miss me, but how do i move on knowing he doesn't care

 

It wouldn't be easier if he cared, it would be worse. It's harder because both still care and don't want it to end. I understand it hurts because you feel like he uses you and he does but take that and turn it into anger. You can do so much better, we all can but this guy really is the worst.

Edited August 16, 2016 by Ronnie33

[Lostgirl186]

It wouldn't be easier if he cared, it would be worse. It's harder because both still care and don't want it to end. I understand it hurts because you feel like he uses you and he does but take that and turn it into anger. You can do so much better, we all can but this guy really is the worst.

 

Is it bad that I feel an overwhelming urge to make him pay or make him realize how bad he's f*cked up? Not in the sense of "outing" him, bc the repercussions would be worse for me than him... But to make him regret treating me the way he has... Maybe that should be our focus ladies? Being strong, bold, and beautiful... Make them crave what they've given up and not give it to them? Is that possible? Can we play them at their own game?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Is it bad that I feel an overwhelming urge to make him pay or make him realize how bad he's f*cked up? Not in the sense of "outing" him, bc the repercussions would be worse for me than him... But to make him regret treating me the way he has... Maybe that should be our focus ladies? Being strong, bold, and beautiful... Make them crave what they've given up and not give it to them? Is that possible? Can we play them at their own game?

 

They don't care. The fact that he said that to you proves you were just a toy to him. A pretty toy to pick up, play with, and put back on the shelf. I would bet you are very attractive, fit and smart. Definitely a toy to keep. But not marry. They marry the macaronis and cheat with the filets. I'm stealing this guys post on the infidelity board, called his wife Kraft mac and cheese and his AP a filet.

 

I've had that revenge feeling. All it does is make you look crazy. They never leave the guys anyway - plus I can tell you that I helped fix their marriage. Once she knew, she started kissing his a*s, giving him BJs, paying him the attention he wanted. He went to counseling with her to talk about his feelings. They started having sex again. At least they are still both fat. I have that.

 

Don't help their marriage like I did. It sucks but you have to be bold, strong and beautiful all for yourself. I'm right with you if it makes you feel better. I could write your posts.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Of feeling this way.. Of wanting someone who doesn't give two ****s about me. Today he said he is "very selfish and never said he had changed his mind on his current stance" when I told him that he bounced back and forth bc of all the flirting this past Friday. In his perfect world, I just disappear and he can pretend nothing ever happened. Originally, I wanted to prove to him that he wouldn't be ok without me... I thought deep down in my mind that if I disappeared he would miss me and eventually admit that or even contact me for a change. I know now that's not true, and I know that's why I have trouble letting go. How can someone who has seen the parts of you that no one knew existed (sexual personality that he hides) be so disposable to you after two years... Maybe it would be easier if I knew he would miss me, but how do i move on knowing he doesn't care

 

You are looking at it backwards. The fact that he doesn't miss you should be reason to try and let it go. How do you move on knowing he doesn't care? Well, I am with you and for me, I try to see it as a lesson I needed to learn. What are you going to do? You have two choices and neither one are with him. Stay and wallow or move on. Both hurt but the latter choice has hope and one day - I PROMISE YOU - you will forget this pain.

[Ronnie33]

They don't care. The fact that he said that to you proves you were just a toy to him. A pretty toy to pick up, play with, and put back on the shelf. I would bet you are very attractive, fit and smart. Definitely a toy to keep. But not marry. They marry the macaronis and cheat with the filets. I'm stealing this guys post on the infidelity board, called his wife Kraft mac and cheese and his AP a filet.

 

I've had that revenge feeling. All it does is make you look crazy. They never leave the guys anyway - plus I can tell you that I helped fix their marriage. Once she knew, she started kissing his a*s, giving him BJs, paying him the attention he wanted. He went to counseling with her to talk about his feelings. They started having sex again. At least they are still both fat. I have that.

 

Don't help their marriage like I did. It sucks but you have to be bold, strong and beautiful all for yourself. I'm right with you if it makes you feel better. I could write your posts.

 

Lmao @ Kraft Mac and cheese and filets

[MidnightBlue1980]

Lmao @ Kraft Mac and cheese and filets

 

I know! The guy wrote it. What is funny is my H and my guy friend said the same thing about xMM, that I was like a big steak and a Ferrari and now he is back to eating at a diner and driving a Pinto.

 

I didn't buy it but reading this random guy, I am starting to. xMM's wife is not attractive. Not being mean, she is just heavy and funny looking. It actually made me feel worse though, rejected for someone he doesn't even find attractive, but reading this guys thread, it does help. You should read it. He is getting destroyed over there.

 

My H is a filet and xMM is a macaroni. Why did I like him? I guess women are different than men. We see the soul.

[Ronnie33]

Well my AP is very attractive, so is his fiancé and Ibe been told I am too lol.

 

I will say that all my friends said my ex husband was very attractive too and much more my type then OM.

 

Woman are def more personality based. My AP is good looking and hysterical and we get eachother. We were doomed from day one. I wish his fiancé was ugly, then maybe I can stop conspiring myself.

[ladydesigner]

They don't care. The fact that he said that to you proves you were just a toy to him. A pretty toy to pick up, play with, and put back on the shelf. I would bet you are very attractive, fit and smart. Definitely a toy to keep. But not marry. They marry the macaronis and cheat with the filets. I'm stealing this guys post on the infidelity board, called his wife Kraft mac and cheese and his AP a filet.

 

I've had that revenge feeling. All it does is make you look crazy. They never leave the guys anyway - plus I can tell you that I helped fix their marriage. Once she knew, she started kissing his a*s, giving him BJs, paying him the attention he wanted. He went to counseling with her to talk about his feelings. They started having sex again. At least they are still both fat. I have that.

 

Don't help their marriage like I did. It sucks but you have to be bold, strong and beautiful all for yourself. I'm right with you if it makes you feel better. I could write your posts.

 

These silly MM and they act like they are the big beef pffft. My WH's MOW was attractive, but then so am I.

 

MM are like gluttonous pigs who aren't satisfied with the same dinners they get every night. They want to try something new once in a while.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well my AP is very attractive, so is his fiancé and Ibe been told I am too lol.

 

I will say that all my friends said my ex husband was very attractive too and much more my type then OM.

 

Woman are def more personality based. My AP is good looking and hysterical and we get eachother. We were doomed from day one. I wish his fiancé was ugly, then maybe I can stop conspiring myself.

 

It's worse if they are ugly. xMM said to me that his female friends said she was unattractive, being kind, and he could do better.

 

Being rejected for that is not good for your self esteem. Trust me