"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[MidnightBlue1980]

You're both right. But I genuinely can't imagine calling the police. I may as well call his wife - I think that would scare him more!!

 

You can always just say the cops are on their way. Bluff.

 

Here's my point - you just can't worry about what if he drives 3 hours back. You just have to stop. You have a son right? Where is he in all this when xMM shows up at your door?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Wow. That's how it used to go generally for me as well. Sometimes I would say ok I'm going now and he would keep emailing non stop! Other times I would want to know something or think we were in mid conversation and he would suddenly stop replying and I would get no response. I got so used to it I accepted it towards the end. How stupid is that?

 

It's called conditioning. He groomed you to accept it. xMM did it too. He was bad with communication even when we were together. I honestly did not think he read my emails or texts. He rarely answered a direct question and his responses to what I said make no sense. Like once I said my job was closing and he said, have a great day.

 

Actually, that is a thing of mine. Even now, I can say, I'm so sad and depressed and miss you. And he would say, I'm sorry you are down. Try and have a great day!!!

 

And always with multiple exclamation points. I hate his overuse of exclamation points and the great day thing. WTF.

[Outofmysystem]

It's called conditioning. He groomed you to accept it. xMM did it too. He was bad with communication even when we were together. I honestly did not think he read my emails or texts. He rarely answered a direct question and his responses to what I said make no sense. Like once I said my job was closing and he said, have a great day.

 

Actually, that is a thing of mine. Even now, I can say, I'm so sad and depressed and miss you. And he would say, I'm sorry you are down. Try and have a great day!!!

 

And always with multiple exclamation points. I hate his overuse of exclamation points and the great day thing. WTF.

 

 

That made me laugh out loud....sorry, but the exclamation thing is funny

[imperfectangel]

You can always just say the cops are on their way. Bluff.

 

Here's my point - you just can't worry about what if he drives 3 hours back. You just have to stop. You have a son right? Where is he in all this when xMM shows up at your door?

 

He was in bed last time thank god. But he is the reason why I'm worried about mm turning up.

 

I need to nc him but after 11 yrs do I owe him a thanks but no thanks? I'm not sure after what he's put me through but I KNOW he will think that I do. For the sake of a quiet life maybe I should

[MidnightBlue1980]

That made me laugh out loud....sorry, but the exclamation thing is funny

 

There is an episode of Seinfeld, where Elaine wrote a story and her boss lit into her about her overuse of the exclamation point. He said, I hate exclamation points, remove them.

 

I always think of that. xMM must use 10 in each email about the length of this short post. He also puts smilies and LOLs in.

 

Me: I'm sad today.

 

Him: LOL!!!!! :-D

[MidnightBlue1980]

He was in bed last time thank god. But he is the reason why I'm worried about mm turning up.

 

I need to nc him but after 11 yrs do I owe him a thanks but no thanks? I'm not sure after what he's put me through but I KNOW he will think that I do. For the sake of a quiet life maybe I should

 

People will say to just go dark but I am a fan of having no regrets and knowing the other person knows exactly what I am thinking and why. Have you communicated to him clearly that you would like him to leave his wife and be with you? If yes, I would not feel bad about going dark. I just stopped responding last week and I have every intention of keeping it that way. I owe him nothing and neither do you. If somehow he does not know, tell him. But if he does, I would just vanish. He knows. Come on.

 

Plus if you are like me, you said you were going to back off about 100 times so he won't believe you anyway. He will think, same old Angel. She will never leave me. Actions speak louder than words.

 

You son - it's not his son, is it? I assume he must be older than 11. I have a son, you do not want him to know all this about you.

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, you are right, what I'm doing here is both therapeutic and hypocritical.......your correct too that it's not Black and White there are a lot of Gray when it comes to this type of experience......no one knows about my A, outside a few friends for support, and of course my wife, well, you can just guess......I think as I post I "purge" my system more and more to where the fantasy of what we had becomes less and less of the steel chain wrapped around my neck pulling me back into the memories.......at the same time, I get the valuable In site of the perspective as let's face it, imperfect, chika, Ronnie, Grey....all ladies......the collective experience even with some differences, helps me understand her side even though our "roles" are reversed and I feel more like ya'll, the OW......

[MidnightBlue1980]

He was in bed last time thank god. But he is the reason why I'm worried about mm turning up.

 

I need to nc him but after 11 yrs do I owe him a thanks but no thanks? I'm not sure after what he's put me through but I KNOW he will think that I do. For the sake of a quiet life maybe I should

 

Look at it this way - if he gets caught, he will drop you in a second. You will not get any notification. He will go dark so fast, there will be smoke. It was done to me, it will be done to you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue, you are right, what I'm doing here is both therapeutic and hypocritical.......your correct too that it's not Black and White there are a lot of Gray when it comes to this type of experience......no one knows about my A, outside a few friends for support, and of course my wife, well, you can just guess......I think as I post I "purge" my system more and more to where the fantasy of what we had becomes less and less of the steel chain wrapped around my neck pulling me back into the memories.......at the same time, I get the valuable In site of the perspective as let's face it, imperfect, chika, Ronnie, Grey....all ladies......the collective experience even with some differences, helps me understand her side even though our "roles" are reversed and I feel more like ya'll, the OW......

 

I thought your wife did not know. I'm glad you told her. Does she know how much you struggle?

 

Yes, you are more like one of us than the rest of the xMM.

 

I am not sure that is good or bad for you.

[imperfectangel]

Yes you're right he would drop me. I've told him what I want he says he will always be married. There is my answer. I may go dark but not block then if he seems desperate which I'm sure he will at some point I will just repeat you always want to be married and I do not want an affair.

 

Which is true. I want to be the only one, not the hidden one.

 

He thinks we are friends LOL no one in his world even knows I exist!!

[imperfectangel]

You son - it's not his son' date=' is it? I assume he must be older than 11. I have a son, you do not want him to know all this about you.[/quote']

 

No it is not his. Unknown to mm he did get me pregnant but I lost her. Mm has no knowledge of this however it is what bought me to LS and I must say the support I got during that time is what got me through it.

 

It was when I got pregnant with my son that mm got married. Damaged goods perhaps

[MidnightBlue1980]

No it is not his. Unknown to mm he did get me pregnant but I lost her. Mm has no knowledge of this however it is what bought me to LS and I must say the support I got during that time is what got me through it.

 

It was when I got pregnant with my son that mm got married. Damaged goods perhaps

 

He doesn't know? I'm sorry, that must have been awful.

 

You need to let go. You need to force yourself. It is what I am doing. I'm 9 years older than you so I am telling you, you need to just stop. Go dark, do not respond. Find someone and have more babies.

 

I have him blocked on FB but that is for me, not him. He wouldn't contact me via PM. I don't have him blocked in my gmail because you can't block on Gmail. I thought about deleting that gmail but it would cause a lot of problems for me with other things. The reality is, if someone wants to find you, they can these days. We just have to ignore them.

 

A lot of people told me here to delete my email and change my number but I can't and it wouldn't matter. If you put my name in your browser, you would find my number and an email to reach me at, I have a business and paid for SEO on the internet. I have a website. I can't actually hide.

 

That said, he is unlinked in Linked In and like I said blocked on FB. I deleted him from my Fitbit as my friend. So we have no connections. I honestly think he is gone though. He liked the attention and I was a toy but any genuine interest? Over.

 

If I am wrong and he resurfaces, I will just ignore him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes you're right he would drop me. I've told him what I want he says he will always be married. There is my answer. I may go dark but not block then if he seems desperate which I'm sure he will at some point I will just repeat you always want to be married and I do not want an affair.

 

Which is true. I want to be the only one, not the hidden one.

 

He thinks we are friends LOL no one in his world even knows I exist!!

 

You can't respond. He already knows what you want. Saying anything opens that door again. You know that.

 

This is not about trying to get him to leave anymore. This is about you moving on and forgetting him.

[imperfectangel]

No he doesn't know he got me pregnant. I never saw the point in telling him it would only cause upset.

 

He won't leave. I have to accept that and like you say go dark. I can't block him on fb because he's already blocked me (insurance aparently) but I did block his wife.

 

Everything else if he wants to contact he can thoigh he won't get a reply. I made that mistake a few weeks ago

[Lostgirl186]

To stop contacting him. To stop feeding his ego and killing myself. So small goals.. Make it thru Friday without texting him.. Then after that make it to 10 days which is the longest I've gone. At some point I will run into him, we work for the same organization and kids go to school together, etc.. But the first step is NO contacting him. Midnight Sunshine who wants to virtually kick my ass if I cave again??? So, tomorrow will be day 1 I suppose.. AGAIN... Also, where is Rumble?? Are you doing ok??

[MidnightBlue1980]

To stop contacting him. To stop feeding his ego and killing myself. So small goals.. Make it thru Friday without texting him.. Then after that make it to 10 days which is the longest I've gone. At some point I will run into him, we work for the same organization and kids go to school together, etc.. But the first step is NO contacting him. Midnight Sunshine who wants to virtually kick my ass if I cave again??? So, tomorrow will be day 1 I suppose.. AGAIN... Also, where is Rumble?? Are you doing ok??

 

I'll do it. Stop contacting him. Listen lady, you deserve better.

 

For me, here is where I am. I have made an appointment tomorrow to go check out another meeting. I made some calls. It is not that easy to switch but I called in some support at the higher level. My hands are tied till end of Sept but after that, I will get out and I won't run to a worse place, I am trying to do something I am excited about. I'm being vague for obvious reasons.

 

My point, I am going to get away from this guy. It is going to hurt. I will never see him again. But it hurts now and it's been hurting for months. Should I live my life like this? No I will not. I just have to be careful I do not lose a ton of money as we need it. Right now only I am working.

 

If I can do it, so can you.

[imperfectangel]

You know what I find really hard is that here on LS, it's easy to walk the walk but when reality sets in it's hard to stick to it in real life.

 

U need to find a way to turn what I'm feeling into anger or something other than this man is my soul mate and when the f*#%$ is he gonna wake up and realise we should be together. Sigh

[MidnightBlue1980]

You know what I find really hard is that here on LS, it's easy to walk the walk but when reality sets in it's hard to stick to it in real life.

 

U need to find a way to turn what I'm feeling into anger or something other than this man is my soul mate and when the f*#%$ is he gonna wake up and realise we should be together. Sigh

 

You just have to force yourself to do it. I'm at that point. It hurts, it will hurt to not see him but intellectually I know I will feel nothing eventually.

 

In a strange way, I am sad at the pain going away. It's all I have left. I don't know if that makes sense. I've been in this mess for a year now. It's become a part of my identity.

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, I didn't type it out well I guess.....no, my W doesn't know, everything is as it has been since my xMOW(D) broke it off.....only a couple of close friends know about the A.....I was saying that out of all they ways this could have played out, ending, my outcome was the best case scenario......so the struggle is real, but only in my head, and that's where it will stay......

 

Hope that clears it up......and yes, I'm just like you and everyone else here in this thread......that's why I like it, I like the company

[Lostgirl186]

I'll do it. Stop contacting him. Listen lady, you deserve better.

 

For me, here is where I am. I have made an appointment tomorrow to go check out another meeting. I made some calls. It is not that easy to switch but I called in some support at the higher level. My hands are tied till end of Sept but after that, I will get out and I won't run to a worse place, I am trying to do something I am excited about. I'm being vague for obvious reasons.

 

My point, I am going to get away from this guy. It is going to hurt. I will never see him again. But it hurts now and it's been hurting for months. Should I live my life like this? No I will not. I just have to be careful I do not lose a ton of money as we need it. Right now only I am working.

 

If I can do it, so can you.

 

I've thought about quitting my job, but I'm from an area where jobs are hard to come by and I have ten years vested in it :-(. I don't think I mentioned in earlier post that when he said he hadn't ever said he had changed his stance on things being over, even though the flirting happened Friday..he also said today that he wasn't trying to ignore the fact he flirted or that the phone sex happened after he had said it was over, that me being there made it hard for him and he was trying to be good. He also said is talking wasn't a good idea anymore, and reiterated that he wasn't changing his mind when it came to us hooking up anymore. So I know he's serious at least that he doesn't want to fool around.. So I won't have to worry about him contacting me. It's just scary. In two years we have never gone more than ten days without talking, and we've never gone more than three weeks without some sort of interaction (phone sex, sexting, hands in inappropriate places when no one was looking, and actual sex the last couple of months on occasion.) I told him he needed to stick to it this time. That he didn't need to tell me that and let me move on and occupy my mind with other things and then flip, that it wasn't fun for me. He said he wasn't going to and that he understood. And I'm just so damn sad. I wanted to tell him he had broken my heart, but I couldn't bc We've both always maintained it was just physical.

[Grey Cloud]

There is an episode of Seinfeld, where Elaine wrote a story and her boss lit into her about her overuse of the exclamation point. He said, I hate exclamation points, remove them.

 

I always think of that. xMM must use 10 in each email about the length of this short post. He also puts smilies and LOLs in.

 

Me: I'm sad today.

 

Him: LOL!!!!! :-D

 

Laughing out loud as my Xmm would reply to everything with LOL! And then would have a billion exclamation points as well. The lol thing began to piss me off because I would say something and be annoyed and I would just get lol.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Laughing out loud as my Xmm would reply to everything with LOL! And then would have a billion exclamation points as well. The lol thing began to piss me off because I would say something and be annoyed and I would just get lol.

 

omg, you too? What is up with that? I wonder if you did a study on the type of men and women who got into these things, would there be common traits...I don't think my H has ever written LOL or used and many men I know do not do that. In fact, while we are on the topic, I feel certain styles of writing are flirting. For example, the dot dot dot. He would use that a lot and I could tell it meant he wanted me to persuaded.

 

Him: (the other week when I was ignoring him) Hi (midnight). Good morning! It is hard getting back from vacation. I will see you tomorrow...bright and early."

 

Now, many may say I am crazy - to which I say, yes, I am crazy, but if I am ignoring you because you tell me you are not interested and you contact me anyway and use the dot dot dot - I will read into that.

 

Maybe it is just me.

 

Of course when I asked him about his contacting me, he said he was not pursuing me and just being friendly and I could pull back if I needed to. I truly don't know if I read into stuff or he's playing mind games. On the other hand, my actual guy friends do not use the dot dot dot and do not ask me things like, do I want to pull back.

 

I have to say I got no work done today. My mind is in overdrive.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've thought about quitting my job, but I'm from an area where jobs are hard to come by and I have ten years vested in it :-(. I don't think I mentioned in earlier post that when he said he hadn't ever said he had changed his stance on things being over, even though the flirting happened Friday..he also said today that he wasn't trying to ignore the fact he flirted or that the phone sex happened after he had said it was over, that me being there made it hard for him and he was trying to be good. He also said is talking wasn't a good idea anymore, and reiterated that he wasn't changing his mind when it came to us hooking up anymore. So I know he's serious at least that he doesn't want to fool around.. So I won't have to worry about him contacting me. It's just scary. In two years we have never gone more than ten days without talking, and we've never gone more than three weeks without some sort of interaction (phone sex, sexting, hands in inappropriate places when no one was looking, and actual sex the last couple of months on occasion.) I told him he needed to stick to it this time. That he didn't need to tell me that and let me move on and occupy my mind with other things and then flip, that it wasn't fun for me. He said he wasn't going to and that he understood. And I'm just so damn sad. I wanted to tell him he had broken my heart, but I couldn't bc We've both always maintained it was just physical.

 

Ugh the trying to be good again!

 

I could have written your post. I also feel like I will not hear from him. In my case I believe it, I am not sure about yours. You need to not be asking him to stick to it - you are giving away all your power. What do you want - seriously? Do you want to be in the A? Its okay if its yes, I am a stranger on the internet. Whatever you want, you need to have more power here.

 

You have to tell him how you feel. How can you not? Watch this.

 

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue, I didn't type it out well I guess.....no, my W doesn't know, everything is as it has been since my xMOW(D) broke it off.....only a couple of close friends know about the A.....I was saying that out of all they ways this could have played out, ending, my outcome was the best case scenario......so the struggle is real, but only in my head, and that's where it will stay......

 

Hope that clears it up......and yes, I'm just like you and everyone else here in this thread......that's why I like it, I like the company

 

 

This one is for you Out.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I cry a lot at night. Tonight is no exception. The reason has changed though. I used to cry because I was so in love with him and I missed him so much. The pain nearly killed me. Now I cry because I feel so alone with this, and he is fine. Fine for nearly 8 months now.

 

That is the worst part. He felt bad, probably for a day, if that. And so now he is fine and I am the one who cannot cope. I now have to leave, possibly wreck my business by starting over in a new place, while it will be inconsequential to him. He thinks I should stay. Even my own H said not to rush into anything. No one can understand the depths of my pain - at least no man, with a few exceptions, like my male friend and maybe the guys here.

 

So justice, nothing will happen to him. I take my part for the A in 2015, but I do not understand why he came back in May/June 16, with his I love yous, daily contact and lies about the state of his marriage. He tried to mislead me. To me, that is cruel. I guess he was just looking for sex, which he did not get. I'm not some random person in his life, which is what hurts most - and he knew I almost committed suicide over him at the end. But even then,

he did not care about me, even on a human level, whether I lived or died. It is unbelievable to me, that I mattered so little.

 

And life will go on for him. Like it all never happened. And one day he will meet a woman and tell her about this woman he had been involved with...and he will twist and lie.....repeat.

 

Where is the karma? There is none.