"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'll never break NC. For all I know the unblocking was accidental. What I do know is this: no matter how much I loved him or thought I did, what he did to me was so cruel, so dehumanising, so unbelievably inhumane, there is no forgiving, no forgetting, and no way back. Ever.

 

I feel bad comparing, yours is worse, but in my own way I feel he was those same words - cruel, dehumanizing, inhumane - so I do believe you and I feel the same way in my situation.

[MidnightBlue1980]

We work together it's a small dept. I was married (posted my story in its own thread). Had started to become friends outside of wrk. They got engaged the day she moved in. Went to their engagement party. Invited to wedding.

My marriage fell apart. Not due to the affair but it added to it. He got married.

 

I'm sure everyone suspected something was going on between us. Only one person actually knew a mutual friend.

After he got married I said it was done I wasn't going to anymore, but not so easy. Or I just wasn't ready?

 

Alot of times we will be out in social situations together work people.

 

Okay, I read your story. I'm glad you stuck around. New people, including myself, post a story which eventually seems like all the other stories, and people do nuts on them. I see that happened to you. It happened to me as well.

 

I would say I am sorry you separated but I am divorced, this is my second marriage and I was not sorry I left my ex. How are you feeling about all that? I also had an exit affair back then.

[Chica80]

Okay, I read your story. I'm glad you stuck around. New people, including myself, post a story which eventually seems like all the other stories, and people do nuts on them. I see that happened to you. It happened to me as well.

 

I would say I am sorry you separated but I am divorced, this is my second marriage and I was not sorry I left my ex. How are you feeling about all that? I also had an exit affair back then.

 

It's been a roller coaster of emotions. I have been in IC for more than a year. I don't miss my ex. I have depression other mental health things I am working through. I always felt alone. He would punish me emotionally. Instead of being supportive I always felt judged.

 

When AP came around I often wonder if he could sense I was vulnerable in some way. He listened and made me feel that I was "normal". That I wasn't "damaged" and unlovable. It was soothing to a very hurt and wounded heart. It has made it that much more difficult to let go.

 

My x knows about A because I told him. I didn't want to lie and I didn't feel it was ok. I didn't tell him everything because he threatened to go to my work and expose AP. I was protecting him. I went it A thinking I'm done and no turning back.

 

There has been alot of back and forth in my mind. Because of my kids. Family religious reasons but not for myself.

[Sunshinegirl10]

Thank you all for being here - I've been too afraid to post but still stuck in EA..no safe way to see each other now. Its like can't live with him can't live without him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you all for being here - I've been too afraid to post but still stuck in EA..no safe way to see each other now. Its like can't live with him can't live without him.

 

I was just thinking this same thought. I come off sounding strong but it's not really true. It's not that I am lying, I want to be over him and it all. But he still has a hold on me. I know as long as I do not look at him tomorrow or talk to him and keep on not responding, I can be okay. I think, how did I get here? I almost committed suicide over this guy. And yet...and yet...here I am. Sometimes I think...I wish I could just die.

 

If you knew me IRL, you'd never believe it. I'm not what you would expect. You would think, what a strong, confident woman - business owner, married, a mom, she has it all.

 

But it's all a lie.

Edited August 23, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[Sunshinegirl10]

I was just thinking this same thought. I come off sounding strong but it's not really true. It's not that I am lying, I want to be over him and it all. But he still has a hold on me. I know as long as I do not look at him tomorrow or talk to him and keep on not responding, I can be okay. I think, how did I get here? I almost committed suicide over this guy. And yet...and yet...here I am. Sometimes I think...I wish I could just die.

 

If you knew you IRL, you'd never believe it. I'm not what you would expect. You would think, what a strong, confident woman - business owner, married, a mom, she has it all.

 

But it's all a lie.

 

Exactly! Everyone thinks i have it all together perfect life etc. I am very successful professionally but a mess personally - only no one really knows - i keep it all to myself - and the one time I actually opened up to someone i end up in A. Ugh

 

I respect what you are doing so much you are very brave. Hang in - one day at a time - or one hour, one minute - whatever it takes!!

[Ronnie33]

I was just thinking this same thought. I come off sounding strong but it's not really true. It's not that I am lying, I want to be over him and it all. But he still has a hold on me. I know as long as I do not look at him tomorrow or talk to him and keep on not responding, I can be okay. I think, how did I get here? I almost committed suicide over this guy. And yet...and yet...here I am. Sometimes I think...I wish I could just die.

 

If you knew me IRL, you'd never believe it. I'm not what you would expect. You would think, what a strong, confident woman - business owner, married, a mom, she has it all.

 

But it's all a lie.

 

This is me too. Strong, confident, great friends and family. Meanwhile I'm a mess.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am not exactly sure why I want to share this, I don't have any special message to post before it. It's basically - Two Defining Moments In My Affair

 

The Joke

The second time we had sex, which was the special time to me, messed me up. I was seriously emotional and the hook was deep. A week later to that date, xMM sent me an email, with the question, "what were you doing a week ago today ". And I got it, haha. But not really. It was not really funny to me. It was November, I was deep in the fog and I was a mess. That was the first he has mentioned of us having sex. No fake romance or the other stuff I see posted here.

 

 

The Sparkly Purse

It was December, his birthday. It was the morning, after our weekly meeting. I was desperate for any time with him and I agreed to meet him in a parking lot. It was around his birthday and he wanted a bj, so I did it....as his gift.....as I was doing it, in the backseat, was a sparkly purse, nothing else there but the purse. Obviously they had gone somewhere, it was the holidays and she left her purse in the car. I could see it as I did my job (no pun intended). I felt really horrible afterwards. He did not get it at all. He would later send me a text saying thanks with a winky emoticon.

 

It's about that time I really felt like a wh*re. An unpaid wh*re.

 

I still see that purse in my mind. He never understood why it bothered me.

 

I regret it all.

 

So Lobe, if you are reading this, there is a trigger. A holiday purse.

[Adoraxx]

I can't believe you read her blog about him. That is bizarre. Plus - what does she talk about? I feel like your H's A was a while ago, no? I find myself running out of stuff to say, I am bored a bit with rehashing the same old, same old. It's been 8 months now that it is over. Sad on my part. 8 months I will never get back.

 

I agree with rainbows, they are in this stuff for the sex. In my situation, he was very inexperienced in even basic stuff, so the things he wanted were not really out there, but it was stuff he was curious about and his W was not interested in. I did give him a bj but that's it. He asked me to pee on him (haha) which I did not do - I actually did it once but it as a joke and with my H, long ago. I did pee in front of xMM, to give him something - sooooo bizarre.

 

He also was really curious about anal, again, I've done it but as they said on Sex and the City - 'not without a wedding ring!'. haha. So I guess he can ask wifey to stick it up her butt. my butt was off limits.

 

These guys,,,,they just want to get their freak on. That's all. Sad it took me so long to realize it was not about love at all.

 

haha Midnight, I wonder if you were with my xMM... he asked me about the pee stuff too and of course the anal too... which was off limits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Grey Cloud]

On my cell phone not so easy to type....we talked last week. Nothing different or changed though.

 

I guess the hardest part for me in all of this has been the why? If sex is the answer. Why why why? We hardly had sex. Less than a handful of times. In a year and a half. Oral yes. But that's alot of work just to get a BJ. And most of the time he only wanted to take care of me. Not me him.

 

He can't say oh my wife no sex etc. They were engaged no kids and things were just starting out.

 

No future faking. I could see maybe the first time we kissed messed around but to continue?

 

In the big picture of things and the final results don't matter I know it doesn't change the outcome or finale but I just want to know why. To say it was just sex then it would be about sex and none of the other things that went on.

 

Same boat as you. Sex only 3 times and waited 8 months to do that. A bit of oral but he mainly wanted to take care of me.

 

He was still having sex regularly with his wife and by all accounts it was still good. No future faking either - in fact I started a thread earlier this year about that.

 

I wanted to know why as well and it literally comes down to how the whole thing made him feel. I could of been any woman. I was new, I was different, it was exciting. We both became attached (me probably more so than him). lady designer summed it up perfectly in her response to your post. It was about attention. After all, isn't two adoring woman better than one?

 

When our PA ended we still remained in an EA until only recently. It is so hard to break the addiction. I'm finally getting there though. I hope!

[Adoraxx]

Since we are on the topic, it was 5 months with xMM and I got nothing out of it. I would say he was a pretty selfish lover. There were a couple of bjs for him and twice we had sex, a lot of kissing and fooling around but he was like a 15 year old. He was really rough with his hands and he had no idea what he was doing. The actual sex was over within seconds as he has a problem and he just left me in a quite a state, let me tell you. He seemed oblivious to my "discomfort".

 

And this too... He thought it was perfectly normal to come to my house for just a few minutes, to make me all hot and bothered (in a rough way btw!!) and then it was suddenly: "oh I have to make dinner, bye!!!" I often tried to explain to him that I didn't like it but he never listened and got mad instead

[Ronnie33]

Today is so hard. I want to reach out and see how he is. I was fine all last week and this week has been hard. It's been 11 days, I know nothing will change and I don't know why I want to email him. I know this is the whole withdrawal process of an addiction.

 

I juts try to keep picturing on his wedding day with her.

 

Oh well, I'll post here till hopefully this feeling passes.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Today is so hard. I want to reach out and see how he is. I was fine all last week and this week has been hard. It's been 11 days, I know nothing will change and I don't know why I want to email him. I know this is the whole withdrawal process of an addiction.

 

I juts try to keep picturing on his wedding day with her.

 

Oh well, I'll post here till hopefully this feeling passes.

 

Yes, post here. I understand that feeling of wanting to reach out. I am in a bad mood. I saw him this morning in our meeting. I successfully did not look at him or talk to him but I saw he had an envelope in his hand and knew it was for me. He could have easily left it at my seat, my stuff was there and I sit in the front as I'm on the board, but he waited till I had sat down and approached me. He knew I was trapped and used it to talk to me.

 

He was like, here is my form and my check, do I need to do anything else? do you want my envelope? He did my job for 2 years and he is taking it back. He is very familiar with what he needs to give me. It was obviously BS and he milked it. I am proud to say I did not say anything or look at him. I took his paperwork and waved him away (and his stupid envelope too!) Dumb a*s.

 

At least he did not get a smile or anything from me. I know it bothers him. I'm ruining it all for him. He has everything just where he wants it, except me. I will not be polite. I will not be friendly. I will not put on a cheery fake face. That is what he wants and then he can feel like its all back to normal, just like old times, plus he won't feel guilty then.

 

I will ignore him like he does not exist. When he speaks, I do not look. I approach a group he is in and I act like he is not there.

 

I get you Ronnie, I wanted to email him and tell him to leave me alone, I hate you, blah blah blah. But I will not break. Any communication from me will make him happy, even me being mad. No - I will completely ignore his existence.

[Lobe]

Today is so hard. I want to reach out and see how he is. I was fine all last week and this week has been hard. It's been 11 days, I know nothing will change and I don't know why I want to email him. I know this is the whole withdrawal process of an addiction.

 

I juts try to keep picturing on his wedding day with her.

 

Oh well, I'll post here till hopefully this feeling passes.

 

That's a good place to start, Ronnie - picturing the things he is doing that he should be doing with YOU but is choosing not to. I also suggest, as I have to others here in the OW thread, that you do something therapeutic and fun, like play darts on a picture of his face.

 

Midnight, my WH got socks from his xOW for Christmas. I reallllllly wanted to make him throw out all his socks and replace them, since he claims he couldn't remember which socks they were (I don't believe it for a minute BTW) but I thought OK, Lobe, you're just being a psycho - let that one go. Well, to this day, when I am doing laundry I often feel this overwhelming urge to start a fire and pitch them all in there lol

 

NewLeaf, your story is heart-wrenching. I'm curious if for some of us coming back to LS to post is helpful or if it just rips open the wounds again... I wonder this for me, as much as anyone else. Like, maybe it's time to leave it in the past and how can that happen if I'm here talking about it? I guess I just kind of assume that at some point, I won't feel like I need the support of my kindred "LS affair family" anymore and will naturally wean myself off the boards. Right now, I'm still processing and don't feel safe without a release valve, a safe place to vent that allows me to keep my head in the game and not lose perspective.

 

We had MC last night (he brought us samosas!) and it felt like we (WH and I) had very little to talk about and I panicked - like, does this mean that we are getting close to closure or have made enough progress towards moving forward that we're good to go, or does it mean we have nothing left to work with and we're about to start winding down? I think I'll have LOTS to talk about in IC next week lol

 

~~~

 

Regarding the sex thing - I'm curious of any of you have ever read "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? There's a part at the beginning where she talks about how so many affairs now start in the workplace as working relationships and that the sex part of it doesn't factor in for months or sometimes years, when a deep (inappropriate) bond has already formed between the AP and the WS. The WS thinks they can "control" it but suddenly they can't and all hell breaks loose. She cites the number of internet affairs as further proof that there is no need for actual sexual contact for the attraction and feelings to flourish.

 

In this book and others, it's said that it is in fact the way the WS sees themselves reflected in the eyes of the AP and the forbidden nature of sexual contact that makes the physical act of sex secondary and not central to the fantasy world. So essentially, you don't have to be having great sex (or any sex) because the sexual fantasy is powerful enough. Something like that.

 

She says that affairs that start as emotional affairs are substantially harder to break off for WHs than the ones that are primarily physical, and that WWs are screwed whether there is sex or not lol. While I'm not really one to draw lines in the sand between gendered responses as I believe they are more learned and socially constructed than biological, I think this bias might apply to APs as well.

[Ronnie33]

I'm proud of you, Stay strong. I wish I could feel anger towards him but I miss him.

 

It doesn't change anything but it also doesn't make me miss him any less. This sucks.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm proud of you, Stay strong. I wish I could feel anger towards him but I miss him.

 

It doesn't change anything but it also doesn't make me miss him any less. This sucks.

 

If it gives you comfort, this too shall pass. I missed him terribly - it felt like an unbelievable loss. I know you think, oh she can't miss him like I miss him, but I did. The pain was the worst I've ever felt.

 

It's 8 months now and I don't miss him anymore. I'm not even that angry, maybe a little bit. But I am not thinking about him and missing him like I once was.

[Ronnie33]

~

 

Regarding the sex thing - I'm curious of any of you have ever read "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? There's a part at the beginning where she talks about how so many affairs now start in the workplace as working relationships and that the sex part of it doesn't factor in for months or sometimes years, when a deep (inappropriate) bond has already formed between the AP and the WS. The WS thinks they can "control" it but suddenly they can't and all hell breaks loose. She cites the number of internet affairs as further proof that there is no need for actual sexual contact for the attraction and feelings to flourish.

 

In this book and others, it's said that it is in fact the way the WS sees themselves reflected in the eyes of the AP and the forbidden nature of sexual contact that makes the physical act of sex secondary and not central to the fantasy world. So essentially, you don't have to be having great sex (or any sex) because the sexual fantasy is powerful enough. Something like that.

 

She says that affairs that start as emotional affairs are substantially harder to break off for WHs than the ones that are primarily physical, and that WWs are screwed whether there is sex or not lol. While I'm not really one to draw lines in the sand between gendered responses as I believe they are more learned and socially constructed than biological, I think this bias might apply to APs as well.

 

This was my affair. We worked together for a year and it was very emotional before it became physical.

[MidnightBlue1980]

That's a good place to start, Ronnie - picturing the things he is doing that he should be doing with YOU but is choosing not to. I also suggest, as I have to others here in the OW thread, that you do something therapeutic and fun, like play darts on a picture of his face.

 

Midnight, my WH got socks from his xOW for Christmas. I reallllllly wanted to make him throw out all his socks and replace them, since he claims he couldn't remember which socks they were (I don't believe it for a minute BTW) but I thought OK, Lobe, you're just being a psycho - let that one go. Well, to this day, when I am doing laundry I often feel this overwhelming urge to start a fire and pitch them all in there lol

 

NewLeaf, your story is heart-wrenching. I'm curious if for some of us coming back to LS to post is helpful or if it just rips open the wounds again... I wonder this for me, as much as anyone else. Like, maybe it's time to leave it in the past and how can that happen if I'm here talking about it? I guess I just kind of assume that at some point, I won't feel like I need the support of my kindred "LS affair family" anymore and will naturally wean myself off the boards. Right now, I'm still processing and don't feel safe without a release valve, a safe place to vent that allows me to keep my head in the game and not lose perspective.

 

We had MC last night (he brought us samosas!) and it felt like we (WH and I) had very little to talk about and I panicked - like, does this mean that we are getting close to closure or have made enough progress towards moving forward that we're good to go, or does it mean we have nothing left to work with and we're about to start winding down? I think I'll have LOTS to talk about in IC next week lol

 

~~~

 

Regarding the sex thing - I'm curious of any of you have ever read "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? There's a part at the beginning where she talks about how so many affairs now start in the workplace as working relationships and that the sex part of it doesn't factor in for months or sometimes years, when a deep (inappropriate) bond has already formed between the AP and the WS. The WS thinks they can "control" it but suddenly they can't and all hell breaks loose. She cites the number of internet affairs as further proof that there is no need for actual sexual contact for the attraction and feelings to flourish.

 

In this book and others, it's said that it is in fact the way the WS sees themselves reflected in the eyes of the AP and the forbidden nature of sexual contact that makes the physical act of sex secondary and not central to the fantasy world. So essentially, you don't have to be having great sex (or any sex) because the sexual fantasy is powerful enough. Something like that.

 

She says that affairs that start as emotional affairs are substantially harder to break off for WHs than the ones that are primarily physical, and that WWs are screwed whether there is sex or not lol. While I'm not really one to draw lines in the sand between gendered responses as I believe they are more learned and socially constructed than biological, I think this bias might apply to APs as well.

 

I have had the same thoughts - should I be posting here? But I need a place to talk. I still see him, it's an ongoing thing. It's not like I am rehashing the actual A from last fall/winter. It makes me feel better.

 

I have not read that book. Mine did not start out really as an EA though. In a way, I think it may be helping me. Others seem very stuck - not that I am not stuck - but I never got to know him like others got to know their xMM. Not only was he really not a great communicator, I kept boundaries up. He was never in my car, let alone my house. We did not have a lot of deep discussions. I tried but he was guarded. I'm thankful now. It would have only made the ending worse.

 

Um, I would throw out all his socks or light them on fire. LOL. He knows which ones she gave him. Did I mention I set fire to xMM's business cards? I had them because of our group. I lit them all up! No business referrals from me.

[Adoraxx]

I would cut holes in every single sock LOL and then put them back so he won't notice until he tries to put them on...... ;-)

[imperfectangel]

Lmao @premature ejaculation. You should leave him a bottle of viagra on his desk with an anonymous note that says "heard you might need this"

 

My AP didn't have premature ejaculation but less then 5 minutes might as well be to me lol.

 

I'm still catching up but last time mm came over he came before I even touched him. Wth is that?!?!

[Chica80]

Ronnie don't give up I know it's hard.

 

Some days are up and down. Sometimes I will post alot. Other days I stay away. I feel it makes me crazier I question everything and replay things in my head. The constant thoughts.

 

I like this thread and post here because it was different than others. Not the same automatic responses. But actual helpful words thoughts.

 

I've been reading this book. Read it before has been really really helpful.

Changes that Heal- Henry cloud it's a Christian book but the insights are so helpful!! It's not preachy

 

Also a book about mindfulness

 

LOBE. I think you have alot to deal with and heal through. You will know when you are ready.

[Lobe]

I'm still catching up but last time mm came over he came before I even touched him. Wth is that?!?!

 

Sad. It's just plain sad.

[Ronnie33]

I just pulled up his number and was about to text him and got a massive panic attack before I hit send. I started sweating, my stomach started to hurt and I shut my phone fast.

 

This just shows how insane these relationships are. A panic attack before texting someone, and why is that? Because you know the contact is bad for you.

 

I need a Xanax

[Lobe]

I just pulled up his number and was about to text him and got a massive panic attack before I hit send. I started sweating, my stomach started to hurt and I shut my phone fast.

 

This just shows how insane these relationships are. A panic attack before texting someone, and why is that? Because you know the contact is bad for you.

 

I need a Xanax

 

Oh Ronnie... I'm sending you a virtual Xanax...

[imperfectangel]

Sad. It's just plain sad.

 

For a grown man it certainly is!!