"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[rainbowsandkittens]

Sorry

[Lobe]

Sorry

 

Best. Thread. Ever. Affairs, loves lost and found, gaining perspective, revenge fantasies, airing of dirty laundry, and some sex ed... What's not to love? lol

[Anne5113]

Lobe you gotta add yourself to things to love about this thread!! Thanks for being the best & wittiest cheerleader for NC for the OW. Maybe you should start some workshop/seminars, you really seem to be a remarkable person!

[Chica80]

MidnightBlue you remind me a lot of myself when My xOM broke things off with me to stay with his long term gf. I like you felt overworked being sole breadwinner and mom and when I discovered my H's A I started finding comfort in my co-worker. Anyways what I was trying to get to was that it took me 2 years to feel indifferent and I struggled with the rejection the most. It ties into my childhood it may with yours too I'm not sure, but if you grew up with a cold parent who didn't show much love we tend to find ourselves in situations where we are being rejected and hoping to change the outcome.

 

YES!!! Omg! Yes!

[rainbowsandkittens]

Best. Thread. Ever. Affairs, loves lost and found, gaining perspective, revenge fantasies, airing of dirty laundry, and some sex ed... What's not to love? lol

 

 

PHEW. I thought I took it too far with the anatomy lesson.

 

I agree with Anne. You kill me. So funny.

[Lobe]

PHEW. I thought I took it too far with the anatomy lesson.

 

I agree with Anne. You kill me. So funny.

 

I unfortunately knew what fisting was before hubby told me xOW was into it so no lessons learned here... My BFF from highschool is a bit rough around the edges and I slowly but surely learned never to click the link when he sends me an email that said "check this out..." There are things I can never unsee, pop culture references that I never needed to understand, places on the internet that are too dark to visit lol. O.O

 

Anne & rainbowkittehs, thanks for the compliment. I feel like by default APs probably see me (and all BSs) as the "enemy" not just an NC cheerleader, though. What's funny is, I give the AP and the BS the same advice - throw the WS out on their ear and make them decide, and once they've chosen, make sure you respect and/or enforce it. I wasn't about to play second fiddle to the xOW, and she certainly hated feeling that way. So, put the WS in the hotseat and do not contact...

 

From the bottom of my heart, my only goal is to prevent as much heartache as possible, and that goes for both the AP and the BS. WSs, meh - they need to take whatever licks they get. Personally, I hate reading their stories, how entitled they feel, how conflicted they are, poor me wah wah I can't choose... and my advice to them is the same - no contact, with either your BS or your AP until you figure your own sh*t out because it's not fair to either the AP or the BS to be strung along while you sort out your sad poor me feelings boo hoo.

 

In my revenge fantasy, my WH's xOW is totally over my WH and apologizes then discovers how cool I am and her and I become BFFs, she and the guy she cheated on WH with are madly in love with one another and make sloppy PDAs and have cute nicknames for each other like Huggybear and BunnyFoofoo, and we all play bridge together... while my husband sits there feeling awkward AF.

[Grey Cloud]

~

 

Regarding the sex thing - I'm curious of any of you have ever read "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? There's a part at the beginning where she talks about how so many affairs now start in the workplace as working relationships and that the sex part of it doesn't factor in for months or sometimes years, when a deep (inappropriate) bond has already formed between the AP and the WS. The WS thinks they can "control" it but suddenly they can't and all hell breaks loose. She cites the number of internet affairs as further proof that there is no need for actual sexual contact for the attraction and feelings to flourish.

 

In this book and others, it's said that it is in fact the way the WS sees themselves reflected in the eyes of the AP and the forbidden nature of sexual contact that makes the physical act of sex secondary and not central to the fantasy world. So essentially, you don't have to be having great sex (or any sex) because the sexual fantasy is powerful enough. Something like that.

 

She says that affairs that start as emotional affairs are substantially harder to break off for WHs than the ones that are primarily physical, and that WWs are screwed whether there is sex or not lol. While I'm not really one to draw lines in the sand between gendered responses as I believe they are more learned and socially constructed than biological, I think this bias might apply to APs as well.

 

This was my affair. We worked together for a year and it was very emotional before it became physical.

 

This was totally how my affair panned out too. When I read that book "Not just friends" and she was describing the workplace scenario it was like she was writing about me and my xAP. It was so accurate but also made me realise that our situation wasn't unique. The emotional bond was intense and the physical stuff followed later. The physical fantasy I built up in my head was WAY better than the actual reality!!!

[Grey Cloud]

I just pulled up his number and was about to text him and got a massive panic attack before I hit send. I started sweating, my stomach started to hurt and I shut my phone fast.

 

This just shows how insane these relationships are. A panic attack before texting someone, and why is that? Because you know the contact is bad for you.

 

I need a Xanax

 

That's exactly what happened to me when I broke NC a few months ago. The physical response was unbelievable, I was actually shaking when I hit send. Even now if I unexpectedly see his name on an old document at work my heart starts pounding!

[Grey Cloud]

This applies to the BS too I think, though really, I doubt it will ever make sense. The AP gets to wonder how they were so taken with someone who discards them, the BS gets to wonder why they bother trying with someone who was so selfish. The WS gets off scot free. I seriously wish there was a way to "punish" my WH without hurting myself or the AP, make him feel the depth and breadth of the pain he inflicted on us. I wonder how often the OW and BS get in cahoots like that stupid Cameron Diaz movie. I asked my WH if he had ever been cheated on and (ironically) he had been, but by his xOW, who started banging some guy in her sales office because my WH wouldn't have sex with her (he felt like it was only really cheating if sex was PIV - apparently, when you're just friends that's off limit, but inserting your entire fist in their lower orifices it totally fair game...)

 

If you had a revenge fantasy for your xMM, what would it be?

 

My xmm also thought that about cheating - it was ONLY really cheating if it was full sex, everything else he was able to justify!! When we did actually have sex I thought to myself well at least he can no longer justify it all to himself now!!!

 

As for revenge fantasies I have had several - mainly revolving around his wife discovering his true colours. Sadly I don't think that will ever happen. She is 100% financially dependent on him and even though she was highly suspicious he managed to always talk his way around things and make her feel like she was crazy for even suggesting he was having an affair. Sigh. I just keep thinking karma is a bitch and his time will come some day in some other way when I am LONG gone from the scene.

[Adoraxx]

And the fisting thing freaks me out. Something like that, should never be up anywhere lol

 

Yeah me too, xMM wanted that too and was so rough with me!! When I mentioned it to a (male) friend of mine, he was furious!!!!!

[Adoraxx]

My revenge fantasy would be that xMM can't stop crying once I leave this town and that he will miss me for the rest of his life while he is stuck with his controlling (and yes, I know her and she IS controlling) wife... It's a nice thought to think of him crying in his coffee (he doesn't drink beer) and sobbing when no one sees him: "oh why did I treat Adoraxx so badly?? Now she is gone and what am I going to do now?? And what?!? Now she even deleted our shared email account even though I commanded her not to do that!!! My beautiful and sweet Adoraxx, I took her for granted............ (*** more crying ****) " Those are nice thoughts...... haha!!

[Adoraxx]

About the fisting.... it's good for me to read how you all feel about it because xMM acted like it was all normal for him to want that and talk about it in such a vile way... as if I was an object to him.

Helps me to find my anger!!!

[Grey Cloud]

About the fisting.... it's good for me to read how you all feel about it because xMM acted like it was all normal for him to want that and talk about it in such a vile way... as if I was an object to him.

Helps me to find my anger!!!

 

It's so interesting hearing other stories. XMM and I talked about sexual fantasises, masturbation etc heaps before we were actually physical. I thought he would be wild and experimental when it came to sex and sex acts but NOPE! It literally was missionary position and all over in less than two minutes. I'm sure that's how it pans out with his wife. I was so disappointed! Perhaps I built him up in my head too much but for all his talk it never translated into action!!

[imperfectangel]

It's so interesting hearing other stories. XMM and I talked about sexual fantasises, masturbation etc heaps before we were actually physical. I thought he would be wild and experimental when it came to sex and sex acts but NOPE! It literally was missionary position and all over in less than two minutes. I'm sure that's how it pans out with his wife. I was so disappointed! Perhaps I built him up in my head too much but for all his talk it never translated into action!!

 

They talk the talk but can't walk the walk. I think this is why my mm has mastered foreplay so well because he must know himself he can't last. He made out he was gonna destroy me. All he destroyed were my dreams lol

 

And he is massively obsessed about anal. I have said no a million times but he'd never let it go. It's massively off putting and makes me more sure he has no respect for my boundaries

[Adoraxx]

They talk the talk but can't walk the walk. I think this is why my mm has mastered foreplay so well because he must know himself he can't last. He made out he was gonna destroy me. All he destroyed were my dreams lol

 

And he is massively obsessed about anal. I have said no a million times but he'd never let it go. It's massively off putting and makes me more sure he has no respect for my boundaries

 

My xMM is massively obsessed about anal too. And I always felt like he wanted to use me for his 'exciting' experiments and weird fantasies .. it's like he wanted to do the stuff with me that he didn't get to do at home. He also once said pensively: "there is absolutely NOTHING that I wouldn't want to do with you (sexually)" and "nothing about you disgusts me... " It sort of gave me the feeling that he didn't want to do anal with W but I could be wrong about that (btw I never let him do that although a couple of times he forcibly put his finger in even though I told him NO!! sorry if it's tmi.

 

It's so interesting hearing other stories. XMM and I talked about sexual fantasises, masturbation etc heaps before we were actually physical. I thought he would be wild and experimental when it came to sex and sex acts but NOPE! It literally was missionary position and all over in less than two minutes. I'm sure that's how it pans out with his wife. I was so disappointed! Perhaps I built him up in my head too much but for all his talk it never translated into action!!

 

@GreyRock, I thought my xMM would be loving , I thought he wanted to make love but all he wanted was experimental stuff. He also liked to hurt me I think and told me "you like that!"

[Grey Cloud]

They talk the talk but can't walk the walk. I think this is why my mm has mastered foreplay so well because he must know himself he can't last. He made out he was gonna destroy me. All he destroyed were my dreams lol

 

And he is massively obsessed about anal. I have said no a million times but he'd never let it go. It's massively off putting and makes me more sure he has no respect for my boundaries

 

Yes same here. He mastered foreplay and made sure I was always taken care of because on one level I'm sure he knew he wouldn't last. He always joked around before we ever had sex that he wouldn't last longer than 5 mins (because he would be so excited), but the second time would last longer. Well as I mentioned he didn't even last two mins and the second and third time were all exactly the same. I feel sorry for his wife but then again maybe she prefers him to be in and out in a flash so she can get on to doing better things!!! Haha. Still don't know why I got so attached when so many things were wrong

[imperfectangel]

It's not tmi my mm did the same. I was really annoyed. Apparently he wants to "prove" to me that I can like it. Erm, no. Leave it be lol. It's another reason for me not to see him. He isn't respecting that I'm saying no. Thoigh I must say he definitely makes love to me. It is not just rough sex

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm going to try and take a break from all this dwelling on xMM. It's been over for 8 months now and I need to try and move on, focus on my family, my business and myself. I'm going to keep ignoring him and just try to not ruminate on it everyday. I will check my PMs but reading all these threads, I don't think it's helping me. My birthday is next week and I just want to be free of all this.

[Adoraxx]

I'm going to try and take a break from all this dwelling on xMM. It's been over for 8 months now and I need to try and move on, focus on my family, my business and myself. I'm going to keep ignoring him and just try to not ruminate on it everyday. I will check my PMs but reading all these threads, I don't think it's helping me. My birthday is next week and I just want to be free of all this.

 

I do hope that you will let us know if it helps you to move on faster!! I've been thinking about something similar once I've moved but I think I will just take it day by day... and then one day hopefully we'll realize "hey, I haven't thought about him today!"

[MidnightBlue1980]

I do hope that you will let us know if it helps you to move on faster!! I've been thinking about something similar once I've moved but I think I will just take it day by day... and then one day hopefully we'll realize "hey, I haven't thought about him today!"

 

I will. I am just honestly wasting hours online and I should be doing all sorts of other things in my real life. I do like the site, I just want to stop thinking about him constantly.

[imperfectangel]

I'm the same. I can go months without LS, I have done a few times but something brings me back. I don't think people stay here long

[Lobe]

My xMM is massively obsessed about anal too. And I always felt like he wanted to use me for his 'exciting' experiments and weird fantasies .. it's like he wanted to do the stuff with me that he didn't get to do at home. He also once said pensively: "there is absolutely NOTHING that I wouldn't want to do with you (sexually)" and "nothing about you disgusts me... " It sort of gave me the feeling that he didn't want to do anal with W but I could be wrong about that (btw I never let him do that although a couple of times he forcibly put his finger in even though I told him NO!! sorry if it's tmi.

 

Madonna-Whore complex. This sounds like a lot of MM. I think I've read in a few places that MW are more sexually experimental with their APs for the same reason - their husbands won't have raw, dirty sex with them and they feel uninhibited with their AP, or similarly they feel like their BH would lose respect for them if they asked for something out of the ordinary. My WH cut me off sex during his affair (he was monogamous to her - go figure) but I wonder how many end up pushing boundaries and spicing up their sex life at home as a result of the A.

 

Midnight, you go be awesome. Treat yourself better than any man ever could. I have a challenge for you: Do something completely selfish and indulgent, whether that's book a holiday for yourself, get a pedicure, stay in bed reading for an entire day, start writing that book you've always wanted to write, whatever.

 

Grey cloud, I think we often think there's something magic about a guy when we first meet them. It's not really specific to APs, is it? I mean, I thought my first husband was all that and a bag of chips and all I can say now is, "WTF was I thinking?" lol (actually, I had a few ONSs that were like that too...)

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Midnight, you go be awesome. Treat yourself better than any man ever could. I have a challenge for you: Do something completely selfish and indulgent, whether that's book a holiday for yourself, get a pedicure, stay in bed reading for an entire day, start writing that book you've always wanted to write, whatever.

 

 

Thank you Lobe. I will still lurk but I'm not kidding, I have spent entire afternoons here as I "work" at home. Not only am I not moving on, I cannot have my business go under from all this.

 

I do want to be the best version of myself I can be. This certainly isn't it.

 

I like the idea of something indulgent for my birthday. I will think about that one.

[Lobe]

Thank you Lobe. I will still lurk but I'm not kidding, I have spent entire afternoons here as I "work" at home. Not only am I not moving on, I cannot have my business go under from all this.

 

I do want to be the best version of myself I can be. This certainly isn't it.

 

I like the idea of something indulgent for my birthday. I will think about that one.

 

I'm freelance - I am guilty of this too...

[imperfectangel]

Thank you Lobe. I will still lurk but I'm not kidding, I have spent entire afternoons here as I "work" at home. Not only am I not moving on, I cannot have my business go under from all this.

 

I do want to be the best version of myself I can be. This certainly isn't it.

 

I like the idea of something indulgent for my birthday. I will think about that one.

 

PM me whenever you like. I'm keeping up with this post but that's it. As much as I want mm he has made it clear he is staying married. I need to move on. Every time I want to contact him, I come here. But ultimately I do not want an affair anymore. They're self destructive