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"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

Lostgirl186

By Lostgirl186,
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Lobe

Lobe

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~sprinkling happy have a nice day fairy dust on the destabilization thread~

 

(if only it was that easy, hey?)

 

~sigh~

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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~sprinkling happy have a nice day fairy dust on the destabilization thread~

 

(if only it was that easy, hey?)

 

~sigh~

 

Can't stay away.

 

So I was reading a thread on the other board and one of the guys, Road, posted how you had to have NC or else the affair would eventually restart. I did have to agree about the brain chemistry part, but on the other hand, we are not animals, we do have self control. It's tough though, I will admit. I sort of thought the ladies were a bit naive believing everything their WS said.

 

I wondered Lobe, if you are reading this, as I saw you on the thread - do you feel anything, more jaded or something, when you hear these women since you have basically lived our lives here with us and heard firsthand how these guys lie? When one of the woman said how her husband said in marriage counseling how the OW meant nothing and he never loved her, I have to say, I thought of xMM, telling me he says exactly what BS wanted to hear.

 

Personally, I would think my H was lying if he said that. I respect him more because he told me he loved her and believe me, I heard all the gory details. I saw him curled up in the fetal position.

 

I do not agree with Road though, as I mentioned, it is difficult but we do have control.

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Red123

Red123

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Can't stay away.

 

So I was reading a thread on the other board and one of the guys, Road, posted how you had to have NC or else the affair would eventually restart. I did have to agree about the brain chemistry part, but on the other hand, we are not animals, we do have self control. It's tough though, I will admit. I sort of thought the ladies were a bit naive believing everything their WS said.

 

I wondered Lobe, if you are reading this, as I saw you on the thread - do you feel anything, more jaded or something, when you hear these women since you have basically lived our lives here with us and heard firsthand how these guys lie? When one of the woman said how her husband said in marriage counseling how the OW meant nothing and he never loved her, I have to say, I thought of xMM, telling me he says exactly what BS wanted to hear.

 

Personally, I would think my H was lying if he said that. I respect him more because he told me he loved her and believe me, I heard all the gory details. I saw him curled up in the fetal position.

 

I do not agree with Road though, as I mentioned, it is difficult but we do have control.

 

Hi. That was me you are referring to. I'm by no means naive when it comes to my H. I believe him. When he started his just over 3 month A, we were on the verge of separation. He and I were in very bad places in our relationship and at the time I couldn't say a nice word to him. He met the MOW and immediately she began telling him how amazing he was and that she couldn't believe someone like him would have an interest in her(I read it all with my own eyes). He Ofcourse enjoyed the praise, since it had been a while since he had any. We started MC after a year of reconciliation, so we were committed again. He really didn't know the MOW very well and he stated in emails to her that she was too clingy and he didn't want to continue long before Dday occurred. Sometimes the MM do tell their wives the truth and really didn't have something meaningful with the other person. I do not believe this is the case for everyone it just is for us. You can leave a comment on the thread if you want, I post wherever I want. Oh and I agree just because people cheat doesn't mean they have no self control, just as they chose to start an affair they can choose not to reengage.

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Lobe

Lobe

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When one of the woman said how her husband said in marriage counseling how the OW meant nothing and he never loved her, I have to say, I thought of xMM, telling me he says exactly what BS wanted to hear.

 

Personally, I would think my H was lying if he said that. I respect him more because he told me he loved her and believe me, I heard all the gory details. I saw him curled up in the fetal position.

 

I do not agree with Road though, as I mentioned, it is difficult but we do have control.

 

Oh midnight... I think you hit a very. big. nerve.

 

I know and believe my husband was truly "in love" (I'll explain the ditto marks in a minute) and thankfully he has never tried to pacify me with what he thinks "I want to hear" - if you've picked up on anything about me in these threads it's hopefully that a) I'm pretty low- to no-bull**** and I'd rather hear and deal with the truth and if I get the impression you're feeding me bullsh*t I will call you out on it and b) I am not going to freak out on you without tempering my anger with a healthy dose of humour (which if too painful rears its head in colorful language and unbridled sarcasm) humility, respect, and self-reflection.

 

My husband - without reading a single book or receiving a single piece of advice or therapy - said (awkwardly lol) that he THOUGHT he was in love with the OW, that he loved the way she made him feel. I think if he had said he THOUGHT he was in love with her months into therapy it would mean he had learned what he was "supposed" to say, so I take it at face value that he was sure he knew how he felt, but wasn't clear on the origin. From what I have read and experienced, the wayward tends to like they way their AP views them and so they feel ~insert missing ego kibble here~ but they don't necessarily think of the AP as a viable long-term future option - hence, the aforementioned ditto marks... WH admits he loved the way xOW made him feel, told her he loved her, future faked, but really couldn't picture a life with her.

 

I can't pretend to speak to anyone else's circumstances but I think that it's entirely possible to confuse "loving" someone in the marriage way with being "in love" with the way someone makes you feel. My WH didn't "respect" her the way he "respected" his vows (me) which is kind of also "par for the course - when he said she had "lost" custody of her kids after fighting so hard for his own parental/paternal rights, gender biased or not he obviously saw this as a huge and inexcusable personality flaw. (FWIW I defended her right to not be the primary custodian if she felt like it was in her children's best interest to be with their Dad - but he expressed that he found it inexplicable/repulsive.)

 

When I talk to WH about it he doesn't ever say he didn't love or care for xOW. He says he was in a really bad place - that he felt like he had become the worst possible version of himself during the affair - but he has never badmouthed his AP and (as weird as it may sound) I kinda sorta respect him for that. He has never thrown the OW under the proverbial bus but he also doesn't have any illusions about the "purpose" she served in his life - a selfish indulgence that he could have avoided if he had the balls to talk to me in the first place.

 

I still have to deal with his KISA mentality - after deciding to return to the marriage he told her to "set the bar" the way he treated her (love notes, cheesy poems my 7th grader could outdo in a math class, hand jobs and fisting in the bathroom...) I was nothing less than incredulous at this assertion. Are you effing KIDDING me? THAT is the bar you set for her? You seriously think that your A was the "best" she could ever have? It's this sort of stupid comment that makes me think I have a more empathic and realistic understanding of his OW than my WH ever will. And what makes me sad... is that his xOW will never understand, accept, know, or appreciate (despite her f*cking psychotic behaviors) how much I will defend her dignity when my WH uses lame excuses blaming her to justify his own selfishness.

 

Don't know if that clears anything up tho... I have my own need to find confirmation bias and despite my best efforts at being neutral... I am only human and may fail, in the foolish hopes of saving my own marriage/ass.

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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Sorry lobe I feel selfish for posting this after you but I am so f*^%ing close to breaking nc right now I feel like I'm gonna implode.

 

I've been quite strong in not wanting to see him, and I haven't wanted to reach out at all but today is different. We aren't in official nc (he has no idea) so yes I could contact him but I feel like I'm letting myself down.

 

I miss him. I want to see him. I want to talk to him. I miss his voice. Aggghhhh!!! I've only been nc for 3 days.

 

I don't think making it official nc ie ending it officially would help because I feel it'll only add pressure on me

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Adoraxx

Adoraxx

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Oh Angel, I know how hard it is! Can you tell yourself that you have to wait (at least) until MONDAY before you contact him? Hopefully by then you'll feel strong enough again to stay quiet/ by then you might not want to contact him anymore..... What do you think?

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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I managed for a week and a bit while he was away playing happy families on holiday. I wanted to email him last night but now at night time I just think what's the point, he's in bed with his wife?

 

But today omg it is ALL consuming. He is ALL I am thinking about. I should be getting ready and I'm on LS talking about him. I get my kids breakfast ready and I am thinking about him. I am always thinking about him. Wtf is actually wrong with me?!

 

He told me to my face he will always be married. It had no effect on me in the moment because he was there. With me. I am very short sighted

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Adoraxx

Adoraxx

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I managed for a week and a bit while he was away playing happy families on holiday. I wanted to email him last night but now at night time I just think what's the point, he's in bed with his wife?

 

But today omg it is ALL consuming. He is ALL I am thinking about. I should be getting ready and I'm on LS talking about him. I get my kids breakfast ready and I am thinking about him. I am always thinking about him. Wtf is actually wrong with me?!

 

He told me to my face he will always be married. It had no effect on me in the moment because he was there. With me. I am very short sighted

 

Oh I know what you mean... it's awful!! I have those moments too and that's when I start drafting and drafting and drafting the 'perfect' email!! Sometimes I end up CALLING him!! But I haven't done that in a long time now. Keep reminding yourself of what he told you to your face, it's the only thing that helps to stop yourself from contacting him...

 

Can you believe that I sometimes even sort of start shaking when I"m in a state like that?? My heart starts pounding SO fast when I feel like you said, it's awful

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Ronnie33

Ronnie33

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It's an addiction, this is what it feels like to quit something. It's all consuming until it's out of your system and even then it's always in the back of your mind.

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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Yes that's how it feels. I just miss him. And yes I know it's stupid as he's cheating but he really is a nice person. We can just talk etc I miss that

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Lobe

Lobe

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Sorry lobe I feel selfish for posting this after you but I am so f*^%ing close to breaking nc right now I feel like I'm gonna implode.

 

I've been quite strong in not wanting to see him, and I haven't wanted to reach out at all but today is different. We aren't in official nc (he has no idea) so yes I could contact him but I feel like I'm letting myself down.

 

I miss him. I want to see him. I want to talk to him. I miss his voice. Aggghhhh!!! I've only been nc for 3 days.

 

I don't think making it official nc ie ending it officially would help because I feel it'll only add pressure on me

 

This isn't the "Lobe" thread lol - it's the anything goes thread... glad to see you came here for support.

 

IA, hang tough like a New Kid. You CAN do this. Think about your long term personal goals, and if you can achieve those while sitting in the wings of your xMM. Can he bring you a fulfilling life? Maybe the answer is yes, if you're willing to accept the boundaries he has set for you, but I think you want more. More importantly, you DESERVE more. No one should be left with crumbs except mice. Love yourself, respect yourself, be devoted to yourself. You've got this - the feeling will pass but only if you let go of it.

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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He says himself I deserve more but even if he didn't I know that I do. Trouble is I want it from him. I am not short of male attention but they aren't him so I lose interest quickly.

 

I don't know if I should get him out my system or stay away forever

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Lobe

Lobe

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He says himself I deserve more but even if he didn't I know that I do. Trouble is I want it from him. I am not short of male attention but they aren't him so I lose interest quickly.

 

I don't know if I should get him out my system or stay away forever

 

Picking scabs off leaves a bigger scar, IA. He has and is going to repeatedly break your heart. He won't give you what you want. Nothing changes until something changes. Here's my lecture about going NC.

 

When you go NC, it's about reclaiming autonomy over your life. You decide to set healthy boundaries and start rebuilding, because with or without your MM you still need to make plans for taking care of yourself next week, next month, next year, and so on. Going NC is assertion of your own power and strength to eliminate toxic relationships from your life - the act of doing that alone will feel empowering.

 

How to do it though? I have an idea...

 

Your xMM has been your "habit" for a long time - it takes 3 weeks to develop a new habit - so instead of making a lifetime commitment to NC (too big!) start with 3 weeks. That's all - 21 little days, which means you've only got 18 to go. Whenever you think of your xMM (and make sure you put that little "x" in front of it) positively, replace it with a thought of his cruel words, the ones that erase all the kindness he shows when he is more committed to his wife than you. Instead of recalling all the good times, remember how many lonely days and nights you've spent wishing and waiting for him to be all yours. Mourn the loss of this dream, of this fantasy world. Your grief is real - honour it, but don't embrace it.

 

Can you do 18 days? Just to try it out?

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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I haven't given in today which is good. I think when the summer is over it will be easier to have my focus elsewhere. I was fine with ncunt a few weeks ago when he came round. He has got me hooked again which was probably his plan all along.

 

I will get strong again. I hate feeling this weak.

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Lobe

Lobe

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I haven't given in today which is good. I think when the summer is over it will be easier to have my focus elsewhere. I was fine with ncunt a few weeks ago when he came round. He has got me hooked again which was probably his plan all along.

 

I will get strong again. I hate feeling this weak.

 

rah rah sis boom bah

kick his ass to the curb and say HA HA HA

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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Lol you do cheer me up lobe. Your avatar immediately puts a smile on my face.

 

I want to start IC but there isn't any available for free in my area and I can't afford it.

 

One of my friends IRL knows and she said the age old saying the easiest way to get over a man is to get under another one my biggest problem is I'm not interested in another one.

 

I feel like such a sad loser lol

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Lobe

Lobe

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Lol you do cheer me up lobe. Your avatar immediately puts a smile on my face.

 

I want to start IC but there isn't any available for free in my area and I can't afford it.

 

One of my friends IRL knows and she said the age old saying the easiest way to get over a man is to get under another one my biggest problem is I'm not interested in another one.

 

I feel like such a sad loser lol

 

Don't be so hard on yourself!!!!

 

And don't do the rebound thing - that's just messy LOL

 

I wonder if there are any good books you could read. Has anyone read this one? https://www.amazon.com/Being-Other-Woman-every-should-ebook/dp/B007FO402S#nav-subnav

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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I haven't read t but my son is at his dad's this weekend so I might download it.

 

I do have plans for my future but that involves moving closer to my family so that I have more support for my son (he is special needs) but that in turn will mean that instead of a 3 hr drive I am only 20 minutes away from MM!

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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Lol I just scrolled past that one!! Can't say id ever want mm just because I played a few tricks on him. Mm is actually pretty switched on to stuff like that but still even if a mm fell for all that and left for the ow - then what? Slight snag there lol

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Lobe

Lobe

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Lol I just scrolled past that one!! Can't say id ever want mm just because I played a few tricks on him. Mm is actually pretty switched on to stuff like that but still even if a mm fell for all that and left for the ow - then what? Slight snag there lol

 

I can almost guarantee it's a book giving advice on how to go NC and heal yourself lol. I'm trying to find an online freebie to see if I'm right

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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There's a few that look alright but I'm trying to keep my mind off the a as much as possible. I don't feel like this summers been good for me I was doing so well before he showed his face :rolleyes:

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Lobe

Lobe

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There's a few that look alright but I'm trying to keep my mind off the a as much as possible. I don't feel like this summers been good for me I was doing so well before he showed his face :rolleyes:

 

Print of his FB profile pic and throw darts at it. If you can't get a pic of him to print, then any picture of a donkey will work, I suppose.

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