"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[imperfectangel]

I can but it's got his kids in it. He won't get his family man of the year award without the Kodak moments yknow lol

 

I'm just mad at myself because I was ready for it to end when he turned up at my house a few weeks ago. Nothing had happened I just wanted it over with and now I'm back at square one

[Lobe]

I can but it's got his kids in it. He won't get his family man of the year award without the Kodak moments yknow lol

 

I'm just mad at myself because I was ready for it to end when he turned up at my house a few weeks ago. Nothing had happened I just wanted it over with and now I'm back at square one

 

七転び八起き

 

Nanakorobi yaoki

 

(Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.)

[imperfectangel]

七転び八起き

 

Nanakorobi yaoki

 

(Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.)

 

 

 

I'll probably end up with that tattood on me somewhere

[Katyp]

I dumped my MM after 7 years. We never played the push/pull game. He told me he couldn't choose between me or his wife and we honestly had 7 great years together. No arguments at all. Then one evening I came home having had a fabulous time with him and I started to feel that I wanted to see more of him. I immediately knew then that I had to dump him so the next day when he phoned me I told him I didn't want to see him anymore as I wanted to see more of him. He said he had invested too much time in his family and asked if he could come to see me at my house so we could discuss it further. I told him there was no point. I never saw or heard from him ever again.

[Chica80]

So the other day we were posting about triggers......

There's this song "no place I'd rather be" last year for my birthday we had gone out. Super fun night dinner drinks friends dancing. At the end of the night it was just he and I we were kissing, messing around going to have sex. That song came on.

 

"If I am with you there's no place I'd rather be" I thought yes right now there's no place I'd rather be..I was so happy it was a great night.

 

Just heard it over the radio.

[imperfectangel]

I know that song. Tbf it is a very popular one. All you can do is turn off the tv/radio etc

 

I don't have too many triggers it's more that I struggle to stop thinking/obsessing over it.

 

My only real trigger is a song by a really teenage group called little mix - secret love song. I have the music channels on a lot and that was upsetting for me when that was out but I'm hoping it stays off rotation for now

[ladydesigner]

(((Imperfectangel))) sorry the pull is strong today. How many times have you and MM gone NC and started again?

 

Sometimes it's not the 1st... 2nd... Or 10th time:laugh:

 

When you have had enough you will be ready and will just know

 

When the pain of staying becomes more than leaving.

[rainbowsandkittens]

When you go NC, it's about reclaiming autonomy over your life. You decide to set healthy boundaries and start rebuilding, because with or without your MM you still need to make plans for taking care of yourself next week, next month, next year, and so on. Going NC is assertion of your own power and strength to eliminate toxic relationships from your life - the act of doing that alone will feel empowering.

 

 

This is EXACTLY what my therapist says. (so IA don't worry about not being able to afford therapy right now- you have Lobe! lol) I am trying so hard to do this. But I don't feel empowered yet. I don't feel anything but sad and remorseful and rejected and lonely and exhausted. I wish I knew if he missed me. I wish I knew if he thought about me. I wish I knew if he was sorry at all. And I hate myself for wishing all those things bc I know I'm not supposed to care and there's no way of knowing and it doesn't matter either way. But instead I assume that the answer is no to everything and that makes me feel bad too. See what I mean about being exhausted?

 

Fake it til you make it, right?

 

Someone posted the pic in my avatar this morning and it's really how I'm feeling.

[waterwoman]

If it helps at all the first thing H told me when he finally gave me the full story after 48 hours of gaslighting, minimising and blaming me, was that he loved her. When I asked if he was leaving me he said of course not and that it was over. But he did love her, just not as much as he loved me. Head f***!

 

I think he did genuinely love her in a way at that time. It changed. He realised he loved the whole package - the ego polishing, the adulation, the mutual appreciation. She was part of the package. I was a less appealing prospect because I knew him as he was, warts and all so I didn't tend to hang on his every word or treat him like the second coming. For the good reason that he wasn't. We both had hard lessons to learn.

 

I can't tell you what was in his head at the time. Nor can he. It comes down to your definition of love and what matters most in the long term. But for a time he loved her, enough to risk a great deal (without realising how much of a risk it was maybe) and no matter what's happened since his feelings were strong.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I love the movie Shopgirl. And last week when I was deciding to block my xMM I watched the end... well, more times than I would like to admit in public. But this always gets to me:

 

Mirabelle: Ray, why don't you love me? Are you just biding your time with me?

Ray Porter: I thought you understood.

Mirabelle: So, I can either hurt now or hurt later. [pause] Well, now, I guess.

 

 

Also this:

Ray Porter: As Ray Porter watches Mirabelle walk away he feels a loss. How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then does he realize that wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both and how he cannot justify his actions except that... well... it was life.

 

 

 

I sobbed. A lot. But it's true. It's just life. Which is messy and painful and unfair and also beautiful and joyful and wonderful and imperfect.

 

And that we're all chosing to hurt now instead of hurting later. It's not a choice of hurting or not hurting. It's just a matter of when. Sooner is always better than later. Because it means you can heal sooner.

[Lobe]

Fake it til you make it, right?

 

My IC doesn't phrase it quite that way but yes... She said you don't have to "believe" in the benefits of exercise to get the benefit of doing it, as long as you put in the work.

[imperfectangel]

(((Imperfectangel))) sorry the pull is strong today. How many times have you and MM gone NC and started again?

 

Sometimes it's not the 1st... 2nd... Or 10th time:laugh:

 

When you have had enough you will be ready and will just know

 

When the pain of staying becomes more than leaving.

 

 

thats where i was at before he came over. i think thats why he came tbh because i was so done. ive never blanked him like that before and then all of a sudden hes here. when i see him i forget why im even mad. i literally melt.

 

we've hardly ever gone official nc. its more ill want to talk about something, he wont, i get frustrated and then he disappears and then somehow we end up talking.

 

last time he disappeared was the worst. just over 2 months.it was the worst two months of my entire life. i emailed him almost every day. i was dying. i couldnt function. but when he did reappear it wasnt like the other times, something was missing. like i said before i saw him i was happy to let go. i kind of got over him while we were emailing, little things he did irritated me etc. i was done.

 

ive ben trying to do the same thing the past week or so. hes wanted to see me twice this week (3 hour trip) and i made excuses.

 

its just confusing because i need to move but it will also take me closer to him. not good.

[imperfectangel]

My IC doesn't phrase it quite that way but yes... She said you don't have to "believe" in the benefits of exercise to get the benefit of doing it, as long as you put in the work.

 

lobe, rainbows, i repeat this to myself every day. it works for like 20 minutes on a bad day or until something bad happens on a good day

[Lobe]

lobe, rainbows, i repeat this to myself every day. it works for like 20 minutes on a bad day or until something bad happens on a good day

 

Maybe you need an easier mantra:

 

rah rah sis boom bah

my xMM can suck it ha ha ha

[rainbowsandkittens]

My IC doesn't phrase it quite that way but yes... She said you don't have to "believe" in the benefits of exercise to get the benefit of doing it, as long as you put in the work.

 

Oh that was me saying that. My therapist tells me one day at a time and it eventually builds up over time. (in relation to, say, self esteem)

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi. That was me you are referring to. I'm by no means naive when it comes to my H. I believe him. When he started his just over 3 month A, we were on the verge of separation. He and I were in very bad places in our relationship and at the time I couldn't say a nice word to him. He met the MOW and immediately she began telling him how amazing he was and that she couldn't believe someone like him would have an interest in her(I read it all with my own eyes). He Ofcourse enjoyed the praise, since it had been a while since he had any. We started MC after a year of reconciliation, so we were committed again. He really didn't know the MOW very well and he stated in emails to her that she was too clingy and he didn't want to continue long before Dday occurred. Sometimes the MM do tell their wives the truth and really didn't have something meaningful with the other person. I do not believe this is the case for everyone it just is for us. You can leave a comment on the thread if you want, I post wherever I want. Oh and I agree just because people cheat doesn't mean they have no self control, just as they chose to start an affair they can choose not to reengage.

 

There are 3 pages of thread in 24 hours, so not sure if you will see this Red. I don't feel comfortable posting over there. Some of those guys know who I am and I'm a hybrid as both a MW and a BS. We have this huge thread here, so its like we know each other. For me to post a comment that maybe your WH was just saying what you wanted to hear, that would come out wrong and since you didn't know my backstory, I would just look like I was attacking you.

 

I'm not sure that makes sense. I am glad things worked out for you. I also believe my H and he told me when he ran into OW at the gym. He did love her but he's over it now, or maybe he is not. Who really knows? I see xMM weekly, am I still over it? No. But I am not going back into the A.

 

Life is not cut and dry and up and running does not always solve the problems. Wherever you go, there you are.

[rainbowsandkittens]

thats where i was at before he came over. i think thats why he came tbh because i was so done. ive never blanked him like that before and then all of a sudden hes here. when i see him i forget why im even mad. i literally melt.

 

we've hardly ever gone official nc. its more ill want to talk about something, he wont, i get frustrated and then he disappears and then somehow we end up talking.

 

last time he disappeared was the worst. just over 2 months.it was the worst two months of my entire life. i emailed him almost every day. i was dying. i couldnt function. but when he did reappear it wasnt like the other times, something was missing. like i said before i saw him i was happy to let go. i kind of got over him while we were emailing, little things he did irritated me etc. i was done.

 

ive ben trying to do the same thing the past week or so. hes wanted to see me twice this week (3 hour trip) and i made excuses.

 

its just confusing because i need to move but it will also take me closer to him. not good.

 

Is there a way to block him? I blocked mine and even though I have been thinking about him so much and wanting to check his twitter and FB just to see if there's anything new I would have to unblock him and just that extra step makes me think, "You blocked him for a reason" and that stops me. Does that make sense? I mean, if you literally can't read his emails then maybe it will get a little easier to not think about him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

lobe, rainbows, i repeat this to myself every day. it works for like 20 minutes on a bad day or until something bad happens on a good day

 

I am assuming you held strong. I promise you, it gets easier. Yes, it is hard for me every Tuesday and Wednesday, but each time I get a little stronger. 2 weeks ago he wanted to call me - call me. He has not called me since December. This is a man I wanted to die over. I said no, I cannot talk to you on the phone. There was a time I would have risked it all to talk to him.

 

It was not even a hesitation on my part.

 

Each day you will get a little stronger and the wall will grow thicker until eventually it's not so much you won't want to see/talk/communicate with him, rather you simply will not be able to. You will stop yourself.

[imperfectangel]

I dont want to block him as i dont want him turning up at my house. at least if hes on his way i can prepare myself or if i dont feel i can handle it, make sure im out.

 

no, mb i didnt crumble but i was close. seeing him is whats messed me up. im very lucky that we're long distance - the chances of him just turning up are minimal.

 

really mb i dont know how you cope. that would just be too much for me

[Lobe]

I dont want to block him as i dont want him turning up at my house. at least if hes on his way i can prepare myself or if i dont feel i can handle it, make sure im out.

 

Balls! Seriously, he would just show up? How presumptuous of him.

 

IA, I hope you're completely checked out - mentally, emotionally, physically - the next time he comes sniffing around.

[imperfectangel]

Balls! Seriously, he would just show up? How presumptuous of him.

 

IA, I hope you're completely checked out - mentally, emotionally, physically - the next time he comes sniffing around.

 

 

so do i but right now i am not.

 

after the holidays and my kid is back at school i have so much to be getting on with. that will help me, im sure.

 

but im worried about when i move and hes living so close to me. i dont have any kind of time frame for this but i need support from my family now with my child. i need to move regardless of whether he lives closer or not. right now the distance is my friend.

 

before i chnaged my mind and we talked about when i move he was so excited about it, was planning on seeing me all the time. or maybe he would thibk of new excuses, who knows?

[rainbowsandkittens]

so do i but right now i am not.

 

after the holidays and my kid is back at school i have so much to be getting on with. that will help me, im sure.

 

but im worried about when i move and hes living so close to me. i dont have any kind of time frame for this but i need support from my family now with my child. i need to move regardless of whether he lives closer or not. right now the distance is my friend.

 

before i chnaged my mind and we talked about when i move he was so excited about it, was planning on seeing me all the time. or maybe he would thibk of new excuses, who knows?

 

But does he need to know that you moved and where? I mean, wouldn't he only know if you tell him? Tell him that you're not moving.

[imperfectangel]

But does he need to know that you moved and where? I mean, wouldn't he only know if you tell him? Tell him that you're not moving.

 

We've talked about it before (in the a) but no when I move I'm not planning on telling him. I know where he lives so I'll be avoiding that area and living as close to my family as possible

[Red123]

There are 3 pages of thread in 24 hours, so not sure if you will see this Red. I don't feel comfortable posting over there. Some of those guys know who I am and I'm a hybrid as both a MW and a BS. We have this huge thread here, so its like we know each other. For me to post a comment that maybe your WH was just saying what you wanted to hear, that would come out wrong and since you didn't know my backstory, I would just look like I was attacking you.

 

I'm not sure that makes sense. I am glad things worked out for you. I also believe my H and he told me when he ran into OW at the gym. He did love her but he's over it now, or maybe he is not. Who really knows? I see xMM weekly, am I still over it? No. But I am not going back into the A.

 

Life is not cut and dry and up and running does not always solve the problems. Wherever you go, there you are.

 

Very true, I agree life is not cut and dry. I understand your reasoning for not posting in the other forum but I feel you can post where you want, I do:). I didn't trust anything my H said at first, but over 2 years of hard work and situations that tested his commitment have shown me that I can. All of our situations are different so we can't say another's has the same outcome as our own. This is my truth, reading my post you only get a tiny taste of it.

[ladydesigner]

so do i but right now i am not.

 

after the holidays and my kid is back at school i have so much to be getting on with. that will help me, im sure.

 

but im worried about when i move and hes living so close to me. i dont have any kind of time frame for this but i need support from my family now with my child. i need to move regardless of whether he lives closer or not. right now the distance is my friend.

 

before i chnaged my mind and we talked about when i move he was so excited about it, was planning on seeing me all the time. or maybe he would thibk of new excuses, who knows?

 

Yes this is very important I'm glad you will be moving closer to your support system that will be a godsend for you! What if you go NC when you move (let him know you are ending) ... if you want to, this way he can't show up on your doorstep! (edited just noticed you already thought this in your above post).

 

Do you have any girlfriends you can lean on too to keep your mind busy?

Edited August 25, 2016 by ladydesigner