"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[ladydesigner]

I agree. He had zero empathy for me. Even last year, when first H caught me, then a week later, I found out my H was having an A too (irony at its best), 'I told xMM and he said, sorry baby, I figured he was cheating on you.' And then I spent our next meeting consoling him that my H was not going to tell his W about us. My life is falling apart and xMM worried about himself.

 

I would say during the entire A and its aftermath, he showed a complete disregard for my feelings. Even now, he knows how I feel, he knows I am trying to keep my marriage together, he has no interest in anything with me, but yet, he contacts me and if I let it, he would destroy me and my life and walk away without a care.

 

I mean, I told him I was suicidal over him and he didn't really care. Said nothing. Literally nothing.

 

 

I'm sorry MidnightBlue I know how bad it hurts. That is really bad.

 

I attempted suicide 4 years ago (about 6 months post D Day) because I couldn't take being dragged back into my M only to discover his A was ongoing. It literally tore me inside out. After my suicide attempt My WH decided it was in his best interest to lie to me AGAIN and continue the A underground with MOW for another 2 years. This is how some of these guys think it's sick REALLY sick

[Adoraxx]

I would say during the entire A and its aftermath, he showed a complete disregard for my feelings. Even now, he knows how I feel, he knows I am trying to keep my marriage together, he has no interest in anything with me, but yet, he contacts me and if I let it, he would destroy me and my life and walk away without a care.

 

I mean, I told him I was suicidal over him and he didn't really care. Said nothing. Literally nothing.

 

My xMM never showed any empathy towards me. He never acknowledged my feelings, no matter how hard I tried to explain to him how I felt!! I tried to tell him that I couldn't have sex with him anymore because of several reasons.. For example, I didn't want to share him! And of course I couldn't handle having sex with someone who walked away while stomping over my heart......

 

He truly doesn't care one bit about how I feel... Never has and never will!! Like you, I was suicidal. It was awful and all he did was laugh and joke that he wanted to see me do it. I remember now that he once told me that he had suicidal thoughts, and of course I was there for him, but he never once showed any empathy for ME!

 

He once asked me if I think that he is insensitive... I'm not sure what I responded to that but of course yes, I think he is insensitive!! The most insensitive cold person I know!!!!

[Adoraxx]

And I wonder if he reserved his coldness and insensitivity just for me!! I think so!!! He even told me how he sat up one evening with a friend of his wife (I know he wasn't interested in her at all) because she had found out about her H having an affair. He told me how he talked to her all night, and how he listened to her problems and advised her on what to do... Now, how did he think that made me feel?? I'm sure it never once crossed his mind. There he was, giving advice like a saint even though this friend's husband was HIS friend too!!!!!!!!!!

 

He also often said that he always listens to people and that they can come to him with their problems...................... Hm sure!!!! Just not me!

[Lobe]

WH's xOW contemplated suicide on her blog after the A ended. I was the one who pointed it out to him. It was hard to see because I wasn't sure if it was a manipulation tactic to make him get back in touch or if it was actually a cry for help. Both WH and I were concerned, but I knew xOW would not want to hear from me and we both knew that him contacting her was not fair to her (she would have felt like he was not committed to reconciliation and would have been given false hope that they could start up or be friends) or me (I needed him to show that he cared more about my security, feelings, and emotional well-being than hers.) In the end, WH felt confident that it was a smoke signal. She's still around and whether she tried and failed or never tried at all I will never know, but since coming to LS I can totally see that at the time the A ended, even if it was just a passing thought, suicide would have seemed easier. I'm glad her children didn't have to suffer that kind of loss, and I'm glad you ladies are here to tell your cautionary tales that NO MAN is worth killing yourself for.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I'm so sorry for all of you who tried to end your lives over these men. It's such a shame that these a$$%#$@s can have that much power/ mean so much to us. They don't deserve it even 1 iota. So happy that you were not successful.

 

Mine would always come to me with his troubles and I would help him through. I asked only that he contact me after I had surgery. Did he? Of course not. It was such a tough day for him bc he went to his grandparents graves. I have been having some medical stuff recently and posted about it where he could read it. Did he ask me about it at all? Nope. That was one of the reasons I decided it was finally over. I knew then that he really doesn't care about me at all.

[imperfectangel]

I agree. I am pretty sure that is when he thinks about me as well.

 

ugh yes. same for all of us i think

[imperfectangel]

WH's xOW contemplated suicide on her blog after the A ended. I was the one who pointed it out to him. It was hard to see because I wasn't sure if it was a manipulation tactic to make him get back in touch or if it was actually a cry for help. Both WH and I were concerned, but I knew xOW would not want to hear from me and we both knew that him contacting her was not fair to her (she would have felt like he was not committed to reconciliation and would have been given false hope that they could start up or be friends) or me (I needed him to show that he cared more about my security, feelings, and emotional well-being than hers.) In the end, WH felt confident that it was a smoke signal. She's still around and whether she tried and failed or never tried at all I will never know, but since coming to LS I can totally see that at the time the A ended, even if it was just a passing thought, suicide would have seemed easier. I'm glad her children didn't have to suffer that kind of loss, and I'm glad you ladies are here to tell your cautionary tales that NO MAN is worth killing yourself for.

 

 

i find it so odd that she has a blog. i can understand maybe writing it all down can help - look at us all here (omg what if she joined ls?!?!?!) but to make it public seems so strange.

 

i didnt attempt sicide but i remember way back in 2007/8 when i found out he was married. my heart broke. i literally felt it physically break. and in jan-april whenhe ignored me it was the same. i died a little.

 

i cant imagine being the type of person that hurts someone like that then complain they give you "stress" ugh ok

[Lobe]

i find it so odd that she has a blog. i can understand maybe writing it all down can help - look at us all here (omg what if she joined ls?!?!?!) but to make it public seems so strange.

 

Her name isn't attached to the blog and it isn't even searchable - if I had not found her invitation for WH to read it in an email, I'd never have stumbled across it, not even accidentally. At one point, when she was continuing to contact me, I pointed out that I knew about her blog and thought it was unhealthy for her to keep it online/public but I *think* she left/leaves it public because she was/is hoping it would be a place where my WH would check up on her. Which he didn't/doesn't, but if he did, would be redirected to a video of our wedding song... yeah, I did that because well - I knew how lol. Don't judge.

[imperfectangel]

Her name isn't attached to the blog and it isn't even searchable - if I had not found her invitation for WH to read it in an email, I'd never have stumbled across it, not even accidentally. At one point, when she was continuing to contact me, I pointed out that I knew about her blog and thought it was unhealthy for her to keep it online/public but I *think* she left/leaves it public because she was/is hoping it would be a place where my WH would check up on her. Which he didn't/doesn't, but if he did, would be redirected to a video of our wedding song... yeah, I did that because well - I knew how lol. Don't judge.

 

 

lol i read that somewhere else that youd done that. i cant blame you. still, it is odd to me that she does that

[rainbowsandkittens]

Her name isn't attached to the blog and it isn't even searchable - if I had not found her invitation for WH to read it in an email, I'd never have stumbled across it, not even accidentally. At one point, when she was continuing to contact me, I pointed out that I knew about her blog and thought it was unhealthy for her to keep it online/public but I *think* she left/leaves it public because she was/is hoping it would be a place where my WH would check up on her. Which he didn't/doesn't, but if he did, would be redirected to a video of our wedding song... yeah, I did that because well - I knew how lol. Don't judge.

 

Teach me your magic tricks, Wise One.

[Lobe]

lol i read that somewhere else that youd done that. i cant blame you. still, it is odd to me that she does that

 

We have no data on our phones and he has no internet access at work, but I have a logger on our router (not on his computer like the redirect script) and so far all I have learned is that our teenage son likes large labia and big butts... and I assure you it took everything in me not to bust out singing I like big butts when I saw that. Parenting is hard sometimes.

[Lobe]

Teach me your magic tricks, Wise One.

 

Block site is a google chrome extension that works in the background. And it's really easy to set your router up as a datalogger but I caution you, if you have shared internet access with your children, you will find things out you may not want to know LMAO

 

How to Configure Your Router for Network Wide URL Logging

[ShatteredLady]

My brother, my only sibling took his own life after his wife's adultery. He left behind 4 beautiful children.

 

We grew-up in an area which felt like the middle of nowhere until we could drive. As a result we were very close. Once we were older teens we were the perfect age gap for my friends to date his. Hahaha. We became even closer.

 

Although I can completey understand him & his choice the thing that truly breaks my heart is imagining his life now. He would of found a life for himself. He would of been there for his children. He WOULDN'T of done it!!

 

I lost part of myself the day the telephone rang & my Mum told me. I lost a huge part of my parents too. They will never recover.

 

I know what it's like to want to die. To truly find some relief from the pain. I can't lecture anyone here because I only survived some days because my brother hadn't & knowing the emotional carnage I couldn't do it to my children or parents. It horrific to confess but there were times that I resented my brother for being able to do it first. :sick:

 

All I know is life does move on & it does change. Be strong when you have no strength left. Call a support line or an ambulance. I'm a child of the 80's "Just say no!".

 

Your life is worth so much more than that.

[Lobe]

My brother, my only sibling took his own life after his wife's adultery.

 

That's awful, shattered.

 

I didn't contemplate suicide or homicide, only genitalcide (cutting off WH's dick)...

 

It's amazing the strength of resolve it takes to pick up the pieces and carry on, and my heart breaks for those who succeed in taking their lives before finding support and hope.

[rainbowsandkittens]

We have no data on our phones and he has no internet access at work, but I have a logger on our router (not on his computer like the redirect script) and so far all I have learned is that our teenage son likes large labia and big butts... and I assure you it took everything in me not to bust out singing I like big butts when I saw that. Parenting is hard sometimes.

 

OMG. Hilarious.

 

I don't have kids so no need to worry about that. I was thinking more for my office as a prank.

 

Sorry if I've said all this before. I often forget what I've already written:

 

Today is one year since our first date. It makes me so sad to think about. I was so nervous. We'd been talking about a little less than a week after he messaged me on tinder. He was in the US for his company's annual retreat. (This year it's in his home country. I think it's this week too. If not then it's next week.) He had one night in the city and we went out. It was a perfect night. He told me once that when he saw me his heart skipped a beat. Before that he'd told me that he thought I wanted him bc I rubbed my boob against him right away. Actually, I tripped. But I think that reaction was much closer to the truth than the other one.

 

I kissed him first. He seemed so great. So handsome. So smart. So fun. So DIVORCED. When he left that night I started crying bc I knew he would break my heart. How right I was.

 

I wish I'd listened when he said he was just looking for friends here when he came for work. I have often wondered if he was telling the truth and I pushed for it. That I should never have kissed him. That I brought this all on myself. I guess I'll never know. But I for sure blame myself for this.

 

I had hoped deep down that he would remember and try to reach me in some way today. I have wanted to check on him all day. But he's blocked and I'm moving on so I can't and I won't. But I'm still sad about it.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I'm so so sorry, Shattered. I can't imagine how hard it is to have lost your brother like that. I am so close to mine and I would be devastated.

 

My parents best friends' son committed suicide when he was 36. They have never been the same. I know for sure that something inside of them ended that day. They have another son and now grandchildren but you could always feel the sadness around them.

 

Sending you love.

[ShatteredLady]

Every memory of him makes my parents sad. My Mum has admitted that in some ways she wishes she could not see his kids because it brings it all back.

 

Watching my children (big brother, little sister) play makes way Dad walk away to hide his tears.

 

I know that my history is so entwined with my brother that my very existence makes them sad.

 

 

Suicide does so much more damage than anyone can ever imagine.

 

That we can even think of doing that because of some cheat!!?!?!?!?

 

 

Of course, come d-day when I finally told my H to go he threatened me with suicide!! The better they know you you more they can manipulate & hurt you.

[Lobe]

Today is one year since our first date.

 

The first year after my Mom died, I had to have a series of "firsts" again -first Christmas without her, first Mother's Day without a Mom, first summer without her on our July camping trip, first anniversary of her death - and it sucked. So f*cking hard. After d-day there were firsts too...

 

Our MC introduced us to the term "antiversaries." I'm not sure where he got it from but he gave us instructions on how to handle them. It's pretty simple and practical, really...

 

He said we should try and anticipate the obvious antiversaries, which are usually on special occasions, and make sure we made a conscious decision reflect, and reframe or repair the memory. An example of this was on my birthday when WH did not buy me a gift, make me or take me out for dinner, or acknowledge it in any way because he was too wrapped up in the A and didn't realize he had overlooked my birthday until the kids asked what we were doing, at which point he yelled "I don't effing know!" and stormed out of the house... to text AP lol. I made my own cake, the kids sang, he didn't even apologize when he came to bed hours later. WH was given instructions to replace that negative experience with a positive one, and last year my birthday was full of cake, company, and an awesome pink backlit keyboard.

 

I suppose for you, the antiversary needs to be honoured in a way that allows you to both mourn the loss and make a better memory. Is there something super fun or indulgent you can do for yourself today, even if it is on short notice? Ride a roller coaster, get something pierced, order some kind of take out food xMM hates and relish every bite?

[Lobe]

you guys are jealous of this: https://www.amazon.com/AULA-SI-859-Adjustable-Backlight-Illuminated/dp/B01C09ZTK4 lol I seriously LOVE this thin!!!

[rainbowsandkittens]

The first year after my Mom died, I had to have a series of "firsts" again -first Christmas without her, first Mother's Day without a Mom, first summer without her on our July camping trip, first anniversary of her death - and it sucked. So f*cking hard. After d-day there were firsts too...

 

Our MC introduced us to the term "antiversaries." I'm not sure where he got it from but he gave us instructions on how to handle them. It's pretty simple and practical, really...

 

He said we should try and anticipate the obvious antiversaries, which are usually on special occasions, and make sure we made a conscious decision reflect, and reframe or repair the memory. An example of this was on my birthday when WH did not buy me a gift, make me or take me out for dinner, or acknowledge it in any way because he was too wrapped up in the A and didn't realize he had overlooked my birthday until the kids asked what we were doing, at which point he yelled "I don't effing know!" and stormed out of the house... to text AP lol. I made my own cake, the kids sang, he didn't even apologize when he came to bed hours later. WH was given instructions to replace that negative experience with a positive one, and last year my birthday was full of cake, company, and an awesome pink backlit keyboard.

 

I suppose for you, the antiversary needs to be honoured in a way that allows you to both mourn the loss and make a better memory. Is there something super fun or indulgent you can do for yourself today, even if it is on short notice? Ride a roller coaster, get something pierced, order some kind of take out food xMM hates and relish every bite?

 

I love that idea. I think it's too late bc it's the end of the day. I'm going to the gym though so maybe I can swing some kettlebells and imagine it's at his head. lol.

 

I am so glad your WH made your birthday so special this year! What an absolute ***** for the way he treated you before though. You have such a good attitude that you can make light of it now. I don't know that I would be able to.

 

My best friend died suddenly four years ago and it was the same that first year afterwards. So incredibly hard. It was almost a relief when the first anniversary of his death came since there were no more firsts to anticipate. I wish I'd known your MC's advice then!

[Lobe]

I love that idea. I think it's too late bc it's the end of the day. I'm going to the gym though so maybe I can swing some kettlebells and imagine it's at his head.

 

He had to have a movie he despised or some snack food he thought was repulsive that doesn't require you putting in a lot of effort. Eat Cheez Whiz with onion and anchovy on pumpernickel in your ugliest pyjamas while watching "Beaches" or something

[rainbowsandkittens]

He had to have a movie he despised or some snack food he thought was repulsive that doesn't require you putting in a lot of effort. Eat Cheez Whiz with onion and anchovy on pumpernickel in your ugliest pyjamas while watching "Beaches" or something

 

He's not American so he doesn't have a huge frame of reference for things like that. The only thing he truly hates is Brussels sprouts. And as much as I like them I'm not sure it's much of a celebration type of thing. LOL.

[Lobe]

He's not American so he doesn't have a huge frame of reference for things like that. The only thing he truly hates is Brussels sprouts. And as much as I like them I'm not sure it's much of a celebration type of thing. LOL.

 

Brussels sprout-shaped chocolate truffles it is... problem solved... https://www.amazon.co.uk/Chocolate-Brussels-Sprouts-8-truffles/dp/B00YEZKG0Q

 

Do something nice for yourself luv... doesn't matter what it is as long as it's a conscious action and not a reaction to your antiversary.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Brussels sprout-shaped chocolate truffles it is... problem solved... https://www.amazon.co.uk/Chocolate-Brussels-Sprouts-8-truffles/dp/B00YEZKG0Q

 

Do something nice for yourself luv... doesn't matter what it is as long as it's a conscious action and not a reaction to your antiversary.

 

 

LOL, i esp love the lego figures holding it.

 

I will try something. Even if it's just making myself a low fat milkshake.

[jenkins95]

There are so many such heartfelt and sad stories on this thread from some very hurt and broken people (mainly OWs).

 

The xMMs are deservedly slated in these posts. I was one once and I'm totally ashamed of it.

 

But to me, this just illustrates once again, that it is NEVER a good idea to get involved with a married person...... Never, under any circumstances. Even if they future fake, say they are going to leave, etc. It is a situation that is guaranteed to hurt someone, probably everyone.

 

I think it is also healthy and ultimately helps the OW recover when they also own their own part in what happened and admit that they too did a very selfish, wrong thing. Even if they were single themselves, they enabled a cheater and betrayed a fellow woman, and in many cases tried to steal her husband.

 

I'm not attacking anyone here, just trying to illustrate that it takes two to tango. While it helps to vent rage on the xMM (and he deserves it), he didn't do it on his own.

 

Also, the image of the xMM just walking away and recovering immediately is over simplistic in my opinion. A year after the end of my affair, I am only now seeing signs of genuine recovery. It hits us hard too, it really does and we do miss our xOW immensely (and not just when 'jacking off' - I promise).... But we are guys, we walk away, we don't express our emotions, we go quiet and disappear, we are emotionally immature...... We may give the impression that don't care, but believe me, we hurt too - lots, on all fronts.

 

Good luck to everyone - we will get there!

 

 

 

]

I'm so sorry for all of you who tried to end your lives over these men. It's such a shame that these a$$%#$@s can have that much power/ mean so much to us. They don't deserve it even 1 iota. So happy that you were not successful.

 

Mine would always come to me with his troubles and I would help him through. I asked only that he contact me after I had surgery. Did he? Of course not. It was such a tough day for him bc he went to his grandparents graves. I have been having some medical stuff recently and posted about it where he could read it. Did he ask me about it at all? Nope. That was one of the reasons I decided it was finally over. I knew then that he really doesn't care about me at all.

Edited August 27, 2016 by jenkins95