"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[imperfectangel]

Commit to 3 weeks of you not contacting him and not responding to him if he breaks NC. That's a reasonable goal. "Tis better to ignore than be ignored."

 

Think about it in terms of disrupting old patterns.

Every time you think of him, make yourself think about puppies and kittens.

Every time you go to text him, text a friend a question that opens a conversation (can you recommend, do you know of any good, have you ever tried...?) or make a conscious decision to play Scrabble or Candy Crush instead.

Every time you feel like you just can't go on, say "I'm worth more because..." and fill in the blank.

 

You've got this. One step, one day at a time.

 

 

That's why I can't take blocking him yet. I'm not ready yet. Also I really don't want him turning up at my house at least if I knew he was on his way I could go out and avoid it all together

[jenkins95]

 

Jenkins why haven't you ever talked about how much time you spent boasting to the guys about cheating on your wife? Did you feel like The Man?

 

Jenkins as in me? I never once mentioned my cheating to any mates or anyone else and never intend to. I would have been too ashamed and my mates would not have supported me. They would likely have disowned me..

 

Did I feel like the man? Nope. I felt like an out of control, selfish, immature idiot and a complete POS. I'm more in control post A now but I still feel like a POS.

Edited August 27, 2016 by jenkins95

[Lobe]

Jenkins as in me? I never once mentioned my cheating to any mates or anyone else and never intend to. I would have been too ashamed and my mates would not have supported me. They would likely have disowned me..

 

Did I feel like the man? Nope. I felt like an out of control, selfish, immature idiot and a complete POS. I'm more in control post A now but I still feel like a POS.

 

My husband says the same thing. No one knew. He was ashamed and knew his family and friends would not support him. Knew that they would not accept his AP. He still feels like a POS.

 

Affairs are so lame. F*ck affairs.

[jenkins95]

Affairs are so lame. F*ck affairs.

 

I raise a glass to that sentiment lobe!

 

In fact, it's Saturday night guys - let's all toast each other in our recovery. I will think of you all when I open that bottle of Chablis tonight!

[rainbowsandkittens]

That's why I can't take blocking him yet. I'm not ready yet. Also I really don't want him turning up at my house at least if I knew he was on his way I could go out and avoid it all together

 

But would you really? If you knew he was coming would you really leave and avoid him?

[imperfectangel]

But would you really? If you knew he was coming would you really leave and avoid him?

 

You have a good point. I would like to think so but when someone drives 3 hours to see you? Not so easy in practice as I'm generally a nice person. BUT if I didn't know he was coming I'd definitely open the door so I'm thinking I'm giving myself a fighting chance

[Lobe]

You have a good point. I would like to think so but when someone drives 3 hours to see you? Not so easy in practice as I'm generally a nice person. BUT if I didn't know he was coming I'd definitely open the door so I'm thinking I'm giving myself a fighting chance

 

Imperfectangel, I say this with the utmost respect and kindness: I think you're kidding yourself, and that regardless of how hard you try and convince yourself otherwise you are not blocking him because you want him to contact you. You're doing the dance, love. And that's ok, but maybe calling a spade a spade is better than lying to yourself. Again, I say this with love, gently, kindly. Please be careful - I don't wanna read you got stomped again.

[Poppy47]

You have a good point. I would like to think so but when someone drives 3 hours to see you? Not so easy in practice as I'm generally a nice person. BUT if I didn't know he was coming I'd definitely open the door so I'm thinking I'm giving myself a fighting chance

 

Angel,

 

The distance he travels to see you doesn't mean you are special to him. It merely means he wants something.

 

If you were serious about ending things, you wouldn't dream of seeing him, even if he flew in from the moon.

 

Poppy.

[jenkins95]

Jenkins. Hugs! You know that I hold no bad feelings for you at all (other than the occasional trigger just because you were a MM...you know what I mean)

 

Sometimes I think that you project too many of your feelings onto the WH (completely understandably) but let's be honest here....my H's best friend from uni was always a womanizer. I had no experience back then but now I'm hit hard by memories like...

 

* sitting in the pub talking about the married woman he shagged for a few months the year before. Her H found out, divorced...he ran (too much hassle). I can see him clear as day trying to remember her name when we were talking about it!! Her life destroyed by a man who couldn't recall her name

 

* the account managers in my old company getting so lost in conversation that they forgot I was sat there. Subject of conversation, "Have you tried Sarah from telesales yet? F**ks like a bunny!! Does anything & everything!!". (I knew her. She loved him desperately!)

 

* talking with my near suicidal friend who's wife had discovered his affair. "How can I live if she goes & takes the kids? I can't live without her! If that bitch (his beloved OW) hadn't been such a retard & been more careful I wouldn't be loosing my life!!"

 

I have no doubt that some MM do dearly love their OW & are too cowardly to leave.

I've spoken before about my oldest cousin who left his wife weeks after meeting his OW. They're still married (35 years?). Lovely couple. Only regret is that they couldn't have children (she told him the first time they kissed that she couldn't).

 

From everything I've lived, read, heard of....I'm still convinced that more women are duped, left broken hearted than MM. Even married OW (not all. Just most) are very different than the average cheating MM. I'm sorry Jenkins. I KNOW that there are exceptions but look at how many men vs women even join forums to talk about it?!?

 

12 years ago I was angry at my H ow. She didn't need to make friends with me. I even threw her birthday party for her while she was having an affair with my H!

Since then I've held no bitterness. Deep down inside I know it could of been possible for me to fall into her trap when I was single.

I saw how fast my H dropped her. She changed jobs. She moved. His life went back to 'Happily ever after'. I rugswept & never even gave him a hard time. I'm 'understanding' (read pathetic!).

 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is.....occasionally 3 people's lives are forever changed (not including kids or extended family) but more often than not its only 2 people who are left broken, shattered, struggling to survive...those 2 are the women!!

 

No hard feelings Jenkins. Very bad day, in a bad week, month, year. I'm not being all "solidarity sisters". I'm just saying what I see & you are more of an exception than a rule.

 

Oh ranting!! Not pretty! I'm an ugly cryer!!

 

Outstanding post SL. I wouldn't expect anything else from you. You have illustrated your point with some excellent and shocking examples and I can't argue with anything you say, and No - definitely no hard feelings!

 

Perhaps MMs like me really are the exception then? All I would add is that because I ended the A and have maintained nc, my own xOW may very well think of me in the same way that other OWs here do, as has been illustrated on this thread. She may well think that i walked away, forgot her and got on with life, picking up my marriage from where it was before the A. She may be shocked that I think of her a lot and am struggling a year later ( I hasten to add that I struggle not just because of her, but because of all aspects of the affair..... But regret for her hurt and my residual feelings for her definitely play a significant part).

 

Perhaps some of the OWs here..... Not all, but some..... Would also be surprised to know that their xMMs may well miss them and struggle much more than they think.

 

I am not suggesting that any one type of MM during or after an affair is 'better' than any other. We are all rats - no question about it. But even rats have feelings... Some of them. Have another cocktail on me SL! You certainly deserve it!

 

Take care and keep up these wonderful posts.

 

By the way, I'm quite triggery and emotional in general at the moment which may explain my sudden flurry of posts after an absence. A year ago everything was kicking off. A year ago today was the last time I was physically with xOW. Exactly a year ago to this minute, after our final get together, I was nervously and frantically smoking my way through a pack of cigarettes in an abandoned warehouse dreading going home (yep, I wheeled out the old 'working late' excuse), and resisting with all my strength my urge to call xOW again, while wondering how the hell my life could ever be normal again. Dark dark days - i tremble at the thought of it.

 

Good luck everyone. J

Edited August 27, 2016 by jenkins95

[Chica80]

Outstanding post SL. I wouldn't expect anything else from you. You have illustrated your point with some excellent and shocking examples and I can't argue with anything you say, and No - definitely no hard feelings!

 

Perhaps MMs like me really are the exception then? All I would add is that because I ended the A and have maintained nc, my own xOW may very well think of me in the same way that other OWs here do, as has been illustrated on this thread. She may well think that i walked away, forgot her and got on with life, picking up my marriage from where it was before the A. She may be shocked that I think of her a lot and am struggling a year later ( I hasten to add that I struggle not just because of her, but because of all aspects of the affair..... But regret for her hurt and my residual feelings for her definitely play a significant part).

 

Perhaps some of the OWs here..... Not all, but some..... Would also be surprised to know that their xMMs may well miss them and struggle much more than they think.

 

I am not suggesting that any one type of MM during or after an affair is 'better' than any other. We are all rats - no question about it. But even rats have feelings... Some of them. Have another cocktail on me SL! You certainly deserve it!

 

Take care and keep up these wonderful posts.

 

By the way, I'm quite triggery and emotional in general at the moment which may explain my sudden flurry of posts after an absence. A year ago everything was kicking off. A year ago today was the last time I was physically with xOW. Exactly a year ago to this minute, after our final get together, I was nervously and frantically smoking my way through a pack of cigarettes in an abandoned warehouse dreading going home (yep, I wheeled out the old 'working late' excuse), and resisting with all my strength my urge to call xOW again, while wondering how the hell my life could ever be normal again. Dark dark days - i tremble at the thought of it.

 

Good luck everyone. J

 

Ya, its like an anniversary of sorts...

 

And agree with bolded statement. Although I think when you are trying to get out its just easier not to think about their feelings or if they are hurting too.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[Lobe]

Ya, its like an anniversary of sorts...

 

And agree with bolded statement. Although I think when you are trying to get out its just easier not to think about their feelings or if they are hurting too.

 

ANTIversary... Onward onward!!! Hugs to all.

[NewLeaf512]

In the General Relationship forum in a thread called "opening my marriage" on p2 there's a post by friskyone4u.

 

This is my experience of how A are instigated. Thoughts?

[imperfectangel]

Angel,

 

The distance he travels to see you doesn't mean you are special to him. It merely means he wants something.

 

If you were serious about ending things, you wouldn't dream of seeing him, even if he flew in from the moon.

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy & Lobe (sorry I can't multi quote on my phone) you're right. But I cannot just go dark and ignore him, it's just not the person that I am.

 

I need to send a nc message then block.

 

I didn't reply when I first read your replies to me because I genuinely needed to think about it.

 

I've been keeping my head in the clouds. When he went last time I felt so used. I forgot that part. I also forgot how he turned up despite me telling him not to - that shows he wasn't respecting what I wanted. He cannot have both. What I will say to him I have no idea as this man to me has always been "the one" (swoon) and tbh I don't want to go through the pain of losing him but where I need him to respect my choices I also need to respect his in that he has chosen to stay married.

 

You're right lobe. Affair suck

[NewLeaf512]

Affairs do suck.

 

I'm sure there are some people who get to happy afterwards. It seems to me based on what I read, that no matter who (OW/OM, BW/BH) are never fully ok afterwards. Even if there is R, the BS is forever wondering, checking, triggering and suspicious. Not every second of course there are good times too, but it's all tainted. It's mostly WS who suffers the least, if at all. And WS are mostly still dirty, mentally reminiscing about A sex occasionally. (There are some exceptions of course)

 

AP's have their self esteem in tatters, sometimes at their own expense and often because of believing WS future faking and lies.

 

The only time I think WS really suffers is if the A blows up and BS divorces them. That doesn't do anything to make BS or AP better. It just means everyone suffers.

 

If I had a magic wand I'd wave it over all BS to heal them and give them a S who was loyal and loving and made them happy and secure forever.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Perhaps some of the OWs here..... Not all, but some..... Would also be surprised to know that their xMMs may well miss them and struggle much more than they think.

 

 

Wow. I went away to visit friends for the weekend. So much to read. I wanted to comment on this. I agree that Jenkins, Out and Rumble are not the typical xMM. I'm not going to blast them because they are men. They seem pretty in touch with their emotions and more like us.

 

I don't think my xMM loved me or struggles over me. Actually, I believe he is a sociopath. My therapist said that a year ago and I didn't want to hear or believe it. For one, it makes it sound like I am playing the victim, and he did that, I am so not the victim type. But I believe it now, I take ownership in my part, but he groomed me for months before the A. Unlike some of the posters here, xMM truly had no emotions for me, no conscience and no empathy at all. I'm not talking about when the A ended, as that comes with the territory, I'm talking about a host of other things. He demonstrates a complete lack of compassion even on the most basic human level - and he is a pathological liar. No concern about my safety or my life.

 

And this was demonstrated to me - he treated his W like this. I witnessed it firsthand - and I let him rationalize his behavior to me. I ignored the red flags because he said he loved me and I wanted to believe I was special.

 

The upside about this is I read I should not feel guilty about ignoring him because he has no feelings - he can't be hurt by me. In fact, it said limiting contact was essential to my survival, to not even look at him, avoid ANY triggers - no FB, no emailing, nothing that give him the opportunity to suck me back in.

 

Looking back, it's so obvious now, especially not naming his dog. The Dog With No Name. He has no attachment to anything or anyone other than his money, his house, his guns (which travels with and has a permit to carry) and his boat.

 

I don't want to write a novel here, if anyone is interested, I read a bunch of books on it, and it's so him. It was also my mother, which makes sense. Children of sociopaths tend to be highly sought out by them as adults.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Poppy & Lobe (sorry I can't multi quote on my phone) you're right. But I cannot just go dark and ignore him, it's just not the person that I am.

 

I need to send a nc message then block.

 

I didn't reply when I first read your replies to me because I genuinely needed to think about it.

 

I've been keeping my head in the clouds. When he went last time I felt so used. I forgot that part. I also forgot how he turned up despite me telling him not to - that shows he wasn't respecting what I wanted. He cannot have both. What I will say to him I have no idea as this man to me has always been "the one" (swoon) and tbh I don't want to go through the pain of losing him but where I need him to respect my choices I also need to respect his in that he has chosen to stay married.

 

You're right lobe. Affair suck

 

Just say this. Bolded. Unfortunately, he may not care but you are completely entitled to not to waste your life on a married man. He should respect that. It's your right to want to be happy and you are right - he cannot have both.

[imperfectangel]

Just say this. Bolded. Unfortunately, he may not care but you are completely entitled to not to waste your life on a married man. He should respect that. It's your right to want to be happy and you are right - he cannot have both.

 

He also wants me to have both. He has told me to get a BF. Like I'm going to get involved with someone with the intention of cheating on them. Weird.

 

About your other post with your mm not connecting with anyone/thing. I think MB that this is exceptionally rare. I've never known anyone like this. My mm does feel bad - I know this. I know that he loves both of us. Yes he is choosing to be married and she has his children, they have a house/pensions/a life together. I know why he is with her. But for someone to not connect with anyone is so strange. As Out, Jenkins are not typical mm I don't think your ex mm is a typical mm either.

[MidnightBlue1980]

He also wants me to have both. He has told me to get a BF. Like I'm going to get involved with someone with the intention of cheating on them. Weird.

 

About your other post with your mm not connecting with anyone/thing. I think MB that this is exceptionally rare. I've never known anyone like this. My mm does feel bad - I know this. I know that he loves both of us. Yes he is choosing to be married and she has his children, they have a house/pensions/a life together. I know why he is with her. But for someone to not connect with anyone is so strange. As Out, Jenkins are not typical mm I don't think your ex mm is a typical mm either.

 

If you had a BF, it would make him feel less guilty then, about wasting your time. I agree though, that would be horrible to do.

 

xMM said he loves both of us too. But I don't think he loves anyone or is capable of love. He has handguns in his trunk and he has a daughter. He does have them in a case but there was no key. He was proud to show me. And why would you need two guns in the same place? This is not the Wild Wild West. We live in the suburbs. My kids are able to open the trunk. I don't even like knives around, let alone loaded guns.

 

There are a lot of things, like his father died and he did not cancel his weekend away, they buried him when his vacay was done. It wasn't even a paid trip, just at a friends house.

 

And of course leaving me in bad situations after sex, he would not use anything. He really didn't care at all, even if I got pregnant. Didn't even follow up with me. Yes, I am an adult, so I put all the blame on myself, and I still do blame myself, but I just really believe he doesn't love anyone.

[imperfectangel]

Oh wow no my mm always worries about pregnancy. Like its the worst thing that could ever happen to him. He knows I would not abort.

 

The gun thing is weird to me but it is strange to me that most Americans have them tbh but that is a debate for another time. Do you think he was trying to impress you?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Oh wow no my mm always worries about pregnancy. Like its the worst thing that could ever happen to him. He knows I would not abort.

 

The gun thing is weird to me but it is strange to me that most Americans have them tbh but that is a debate for another time. Do you think he was trying to impress you?

 

I took the morning after pill a few times, which messed up my body. My H was so angry at xMM for that. I'm not supposed to take estrogen for health issues. MM knew. H told his wife about all that too. Part of me thought he wanted me to get pregnant. I don't know.

 

He definitely was trying to impress me with the guns. I thought he was a little nuts. It's always on my mind during the meetings. He has a permit to carry. I was not impressed. It's pretty easy to get them here.

[imperfectangel]

Yes I've heard it is. It scares me so many people walking around with them tbh.

 

How are you planning on handling this Tuesday? Sorry if that's a trigger and you hadn't thought about it yet

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes I've heard it is. It scares me so many people walking around with them tbh.

 

How are you planning on handling this Tuesday? Sorry if that's a trigger and you hadn't thought about it yet

 

Oh I am aware of Tuesday. I hate to admit this but I triggered Friday nt, I was out of town with friends, lots to drink, and i sent a few crazy texts. Ughhhhhhh. I was so mad at myself the next day. I sent a quick - ignore my texts, I was drinking - and he did. But I was doing so well. He just got to me the last 2 weeks, continuing to contact me, and the anger builds up. I hate his guts and I am sorry I ever met him.

 

My friends were like, don't worry about it, the guy is a loser, so I am trying to just move on. I'm just going to flat out ignore him again. I'm also taking a break from drinking. It definitely triggers me.

[imperfectangel]

I don't drink much either or I'd text him like crazy lol

 

What did you say to him? Did he respond at all?

 

It's good you have friends that know they can support you

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't drink much either or I'd text him like crazy lol

 

What did you say to him? Did he respond at all?

 

It's good you have friends that know they can support you

 

The same old crap I always do which he's either answered a hundred times or to which there is no answer.

 

Are you happy there? His typical answer: I'm where I need to be right now.

What do you want? Typical Answer: I want to be friends.

Do you still love me? Typical Answer: yes

 

He did not respond but we just had this conversation 2 weeks ago and I know I am annoying. But hey at least I did not say I love you or I want to be with you.

 

He didn't respond but I did tell him not to respond. I've done this before, it's hardly unusual and he caved with his email. He hates those questions. If I wrote him something about his stupid boat, he'd respond. But I'm still furious at myself. argh

 

My friends said, who cares what he thinks of you, he's a piece of garbage. They had a lot to say.

 

See, I am no better.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't drink much either or I'd text him like crazy lol

 

What did you say to him? Did he respond at all?

 

It's good you have friends that know they can support you

 

I realized though that I did exactly what he wanted, which was why he kept contacting me. I've also been running after people who were cold and mean my whole life, since that is my mother, the original cold and mean person in my life.

 

It was a mini-breakthrough and I think I can do it this time. It was really never about xMM at all. It was about my unresolved issues with my mother, who has not spoken to me since 2004.

 

Sorry so deep, haha! This is some giant therapy thread