"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Lobe]

I guess I'm in the minority then as an xMM who struggles a lot - with all aspects of the affair.... as has been discussed a lot in threads I've contributed to!

 

Next time I'm passing a chromosome shop, maybe I'll try and get my Y chromosome replaced...... Looks like it's faulty - I don't even like cars! ;-)

 

My WH struggles with his A. I see it on his face, I hear it in his voice. I know he wants me to just get past it and get over it but I don't want to play nice because it protects his little itty bitty feelings not having to talk about the problems in our marriage that existed either before the A or as a result of the A. Jenkins, how do you find talking about it? What are the ways it gets brought up that are productive and what are the ways it becomes destructive?

 

And it's not your chromosome that needs replacement, it's the socially constructed norms that perpetuate gendered roles that need replacement lol

[ladydesigner]

I go from wanting to be nc, wanting to just block to wanting to be with him all in the space of a minute

 

It's all I think about, it's too much now

 

It sounds like too much

 

Can you take a MM break and kinda redirect your thoughts? Unfortunately until you have a set plan or direction life tends to go in circles.

 

It sounds like obsessive thought patterns. I get them too

[ladydesigner]

MB I'm sorry you are stuck. Did you happen to read my post before they closed your thread?

 

Also it's true women seem to always be the losing ones. BS OW. Men just get on move on, well most of them anyway.

 

Not true actually my WH is at his own rock bottom. I think his MOW is doing better than him and so am I, but it was his own self doing!

[imperfectangel]

It sounds like too much

 

Can you take a MM break and kinda redirect your thoughts? Unfortunately until you have a set plan or direction life tends to go in circles.

 

It sounds like obsessive thought patterns. I get them too

 

The holidays are nearly over so yes I'll be filling my time with something other than playing at the park etc which don't get me wrong I enjoy but it's easy for your mind to wonder. I'm looking forward to September

[MidnightBlue1980]

I guess I'm in the minority then as an xMM who struggles a lot - with all aspects of the affair.... as has been discussed a lot in threads I've contributed to!

 

Next time I'm passing a chromosome shop, maybe I'll try and get my Y chromosome replaced...... Looks like it's faulty - I don't even like cars! ;-)

 

I think you are just more in touch with your emotions. Most men, just shut off feelings completely or say they never had any.

[Lostgirl186]

I go from wanting to be nc, wanting to just block to wanting to be with him all in the space of a minute

 

It's all I think about, it's too much now

 

I'm just now catching up, and working up the nerve to update... I think I have made my way to the top of the list for the weak moment... I slap myself on the forehead as I type this... I slept with MM Friday. Remember for the past three or so months since the last time it happened he had maintained he had to "be good" and it wasn't going to happen again. I don't even really know how it happened but we are talking and the next thing I know we can't keep our hands off of each other. And I have t spoken to him since I left. I just can't bare to get the cold shoulder or hear the "I've got to be good" speech or it was just a relapse speech again. Normally I would text or call afterward or a day or two afterward and say something about how it was fun etc, and he would start with the cold shoulder. an interesting tidbit is I went back and counted the time between the actual full blown sexual encounters.. And everyone has happened between the ten and twelve week mark. Damn patterns. I'm going to climb up the pole so that you all can tar and feather me. :-(

[imperfectangel]

Has he contacted you? I have never contacted my mm first after we've been physical.

 

Is there any way to avoid seeing him? Sorry I can't remember if you work together or not. Do you want it to continue?

[ShatteredLady]

Jenkins. I'm really interested in your answer to this, "Jenkins, how do you find talking about it? What are the ways it gets brought up that are productive and what are the ways it becomes destructive?". PLEASE!!!

 

 

I write here. Sometimes I laugh, joke, cry, scream. At home I'm a very different person. I'm a people pleaser to a fault. My H is a master of shutting me up! I can't express myself. I shouted at him ONCE!!

The day after our final d-day, once I'd read the emails. Less than 24 hours & he accused me of "picking the scab & never letting it heal"!!! I shouted "AFTER YOU PUT ME through 9 months of insanity!?!? 9 f-in MONTHS!!".

 

He said he was terrified & thought I'd hit him! I have NEVER shouted at him or said anything to deliberately hurt in 26 YEARS. I'm pathetic! I over analyze.

 

I now fear that I'm just waiting for divorce....or I can just keep quiet & be 'pleasing' until I finally, completely loose my mind or my heart explodes!

 

My H has always found it very hard to talk about anything 'not nice' emotionally. We need to communicate. I talk sometimes, once in a blue moon now. We talked the first 2 nights of the last d-day pretty well. Then he was sick, life etc. Now it's like it's too late to talk. I missed my chance.

 

How is it in your house Jenkins? Please???

[Chica80]

I guess I'm in the minority then as an xMM who struggles a lot - with all aspects of the affair.... as has been discussed a lot in threads I've contributed to!

 

Next time I'm passing a chromosome shop, maybe I'll try and get my Y chromosome replaced...... Looks like it's faulty - I don't even like cars! ;-)

 

 

I said "most of them" I think as women we are allowed to be "emotional". These are generalizations of course.

 

Also I think it depends on the nature of the A. Jenks if I'm correct you cared about your AP, is that right? That's why it still hurts and because your remorseful for hurting your wife.

[ShatteredLady]

LostGirl. I'm so sorry. You posted while I was writing.

 

(((((Hugs)))))

 

My friend used to say this about raising kids but it works here...

 

"You wake & promise to do the best you can. You mess-up. You wake-up the next day & promise to do the best you can. Rinse & repeat until you get it right....or kill them!"

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm just now catching up, and working up the nerve to update... I think I have made my way to the top of the list for the weak moment... I slap myself on the forehead as I type this... I slept with MM Friday. Remember for the past three or so months since the last time it happened he had maintained he had to "be good" and it wasn't going to happen again. I don't even really know how it happened but we are talking and the next thing I know we can't keep our hands off of each other. And I have t spoken to him since I left. I just can't bare to get the cold shoulder or hear the "I've got to be good" speech or it was just a relapse speech again. Normally I would text or call afterward or a day or two afterward and say something about how it was fun etc, and he would start with the cold shoulder. an interesting tidbit is I went back and counted the time between the actual full blown sexual encounters.. And everyone has happened between the ten and twelve week mark. Damn patterns. I'm going to climb up the pole so that you all can tar and feather me. :-(

 

Lost....no tar and feathers here. I feel for you. The reasons I never went back into the PA were one part pure survival instinct as it really destroyed me inside to be with him and then have him go home to another woman and part - I had a lot to lose - I am a MW like you and my H knew everything. I'd end up divorced, lose so much, and for what? I just held myself back. But I think about it a lot.

 

Day 1 for you

[Lobe]

Then he was sick, life etc. Now it's like it's too late to talk. I missed my chance.

 

It's not too late - it's never too late. I think your WH waited until it was too late and look where it got him? Take the chance. What do you have to lose?

 

I leaned on WH last night, quite forcefully, about needing words and actions not just peace and quiet. I am still unhappy about the pre-A rut we had gotten ourselves into, and my evidence that he wasn't "so unhappy" is that he is (apparently) content now. If this is seriously as good as it gets, what do i have to lose by doing what he lacked the respect for me to do and say, "I am not happy." SMDH

 

Same for the APs here. Demand what you want and if you can't get it, what do you have to lose if he doesn't pick you? Besides my happiness, self-respect, and wasted time that I can't get back trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, nothing I suppose... It's scary as hell wondering if the "truth" I will hear after making myself vulnerable is, "I won't do that for you." I am facing down that demon right now with WH. Why do we want these broken-ass jerks?

[Lobe]

I don't even really know how it happened but we are talking and the next thing I know we can't keep our hands off of each other... Damn patterns.

 

Oh, lostgirl. My heart breaks for you. Don't spend too much time beating yourself up about it, and don't give HIM the chance to give you the cold shoulder - you give it to him. Ignore, don't be ignored.

 

Steer clear of this man. He is kryptonite to you. Was the sexual encounter worth the self-loathing it brings out in you? I didn't think so.

 

Like MB said, you can start again. Day 1, here we go. Saddle up, sister!

 

((((((((LG))))))))))

[Lobe]

七転び八起き

 

Nanakorobi yaoki

 

"Fall seven times and stand up eight"

[Lostgirl186]

Has he contacted you? I have never contacted my mm first after we've been physical.

 

Is there any way to avoid seeing him? Sorry I can't remember if you work together or not. Do you want it to continue?

 

He hasn't and more than likely won't. A.) because he knows I will, I always do, although he's probably shocked I didn't text him that afternoon or today, bc I normally would have. B.) I think he really does want to "be good." He has a LOT to lose... And reputation especially- I think he would jump off a bridge were it tarnished. He is the LAST person anyone in town would expect it from. I think I'm seriously broken.. After it was over, I'm sad to admit it's like I was satisfied, and barely thought of him for a day or two.. And now he's all I can think about. Luckily we don't see each other daily bc we work in different buildings... But maybe if I can do like you say and don't give him the chance to go cold on me, I won't completely hate myself :-(

[Lobe]

But maybe if I can do like you say and don't give him the chance to go cold on me, I won't completely hate myself :-(

 

Cold and dark... like a puff of smoke you can just *poof* disappear. Think of how powerful that would feel being the badass who made him face his own demons lol. You are the Master of Your Own Universe. Don't forget that.

 

The opposite of love isn't hate it's indifference; maybe the opposite of hate is compassion.

[Chica80]

LOST I'm sorry you are hurting....you disappeared for awhile.

 

I understand the "cycle" well, you said 10-12 weeks. We are usually a month to month 1/2.

I've read from others sometimes it's not the first 2nd or even 10th. But one day it just sticks.

 

For myself. I haven't managed to go total NC yet. But something is different. Because I realized I'm tired of hurting of waiting around. It's not about love or him using me or not it the many other reasons.

For me the A was a catalyst for change. To want something different. I was trying to fix a painful situation but instead got into another more painful situation.

 

What is it you are hoping for? I know you have said your marriage is not good.

 

You're not alone don't give up.

[imperfectangel]

He hasn't and more than likely won't. A.) because he knows I will, I always do, although he's probably shocked I didn't text him that afternoon or today, bc I normally would have. B.) I think he really does want to "be good." He has a LOT to lose... And reputation especially- I think he would jump off a bridge were it tarnished. He is the LAST person anyone in town would expect it from. I think I'm seriously broken.. After it was over, I'm sad to admit it's like I was satisfied, and barely thought of him for a day or two.. And now he's all I can think about. Luckily we don't see each other daily bc we work in different buildings... But maybe if I can do like you say and don't give him the chance to go cold on me, I won't completely hate myself :-(

 

Just ignore him if you can. Nc is hard. I broke it the other day, my mm replied and now he's the one being ignored. It isn't a game no but it is very empowering getting my control back. At least that's how I feel today

[ShatteredLady]

LostGirl. If the pattern that keeps repeating means, at this stage, you message him knowing that you will either get a cold or no reply why not 'just' fix that little bit for now?

 

Why not choose a friend who knows or a member here & send them exactly what you'd send him? Basically pretend that 'your person' is him? (Or just post here) Do you think that could work?

 

Try not to fry your brain trying to 'fix' the whole great big mess. Just deal with the pattern of the next couple of weeks....

 

Someone here (?? Sorry) often says "If you don't change anything, nothing changes". Why not just change this little bit?

 

My H is a project manager. He trains people with the old saying "How do you eat an elephant? ....one bite at a time!".

 

 

Maybe if this is a lame idea others can think of an alternative 'change' that would work better. When the big rules (Complete NC etc) are too daunting why not just try a little "bite" at a time?

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry! I'm writing too slow! I keep getting interrupted & by the time I hit "Submit Reply" there are already half a page of answers!!

[Chica80]

Just ignore him if you can. Nc is hard. I broke it the other day, my mm replied and now he's the one being ignored. It isn't a game no but it is very empowering getting my control back. At least that's how I feel today

 

Ya that's the thing about A. Isnt it. The one who cares less wins.....so stupid.

 

I'd been having a really good week. Early in the week we were talking about going out for drink sone friends from wrk. A couple of the guys from wrk are trying to convince me I just need to go out there hook up. "Get the first one out of the way"

I guess MM heard about it text me "I hear you are partying it up this weekend"

I said yes. I start school back Monday I want to have a good weekend. And its time to move forward.

Sat we had text some I say I have to start getting ready to go out.

 

So he sends me these pics. They were pics I had sent a year ago, goofy baby pics and teen pics. At first I thought wow I can't believe you still have these. It means something that you would keep these a year later.

And then I thought was it slightly manipulative a way to "pull me back in" like look I care about you.

 

I don't know. It kind of killed my good mood and vibes. I thought he is not going to let me go is he. All these things that I analyze over and over in my head. And I hate it. So I just say it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what it means or his intentions. Because I'm moving forward. (At least I keep telling myself)

[Chica80]

LostGirl. If the pattern that keeps repeating means, at this stage, you message him knowing that you will either get a cold or no reply why not 'just' fix that little bit for now?

 

Why not choose a friend who knows or a member here & send them exactly what you'd send him? Basically pretend that 'your person' is him? (Or just post here) Do you think that could work?

 

Try not to fry your brain trying to 'fix' the whole great big mess. Just deal with the pattern of the next couple of weeks....

 

Someone here (?? Sorry) often says "If you don't change anything, nothing changes". Why not just change this little bit?

 

My H is a project manager. He trains people with the old saying "How do you eat an elephant? ....one bite at a time!".

 

 

Maybe if this is a lame idea others can think of an alternative 'change' that would work better. When the big rules (Complete NC etc) are too daunting why not just try a little "bite" at a time?

 

I think this is an awesome idea.

[MidnightBlue1980]

And then I thought was it slightly manipulative a way to "pull me back in" like look I care about you.

 

I don't know. It kind of killed my good mood and vibes. I thought he is not going to let me go is he. All these things that I analyze over and over in my head. And I hate it. So I just say it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what it means or his intentions. Because I'm moving forward. (At least I keep telling myself)

 

You got it. It's manipulation to keep you on the hook. xMM does it to me as well. They want to keep us uncertain, confused, doubting ourselves. Gaslighting. Google it. I am here to tell you don't doubt yourself, you are correct. He doesn't care about you or else he would let you go.

[Chica80]

You got it. It's manipulation to keep you on the hook. xMM does it to me as well. They want to keep us uncertain, confused, doubting ourselves. Gaslighting. Google it. I am here to tell you don't doubt yourself, you are correct. He doesn't care about you or else he would let you go.

 

Right? .....oh I know all about gaslighting my x was all about it!

It just really caught me off guard. Like what?

I think I was being naive like oh I'm moving on. Of course let's all be friends. You'll be happy I'm moving and out of you life.. WTF was I thiking....moments of insanity is what happens.....

[Lostgirl186]

Someone asked this question yesterday, and I've been asking myself over and over in my head..and I just don't know what I want. I want to not hurt, to not want him, to not be in constant turmoil wondering if he's going to be receptive to me or cold to me. I think I WANT to let him go.... But the thought of never touching him again, never having one of the rare "good" days with him.. It absolutely scares me. I know how wrong and how bad that sounds... He's not mine to want. He belongs to someone else. Maybe I just want to mean something to him? I obviously don't. And maybe I shouldn't expect to bc we both said it was only physical- and he's never even admitted that this has been an affair... Even though he has to know by now that I have some feelings, even if I do consistently tell him it's just about sex. Realistically, can you keep alternating between fighting and fooling around and not feel something? Maybe I'm hoping one day I'll just feel hate towards him.

 

I did good yesterday i didn't contact him- I didn't contact him Friday after we slept together, so we haven't talked at all since then. I passed him this morning and felt like I couldn't breathe. Seeing him on the road for a split second made me want to think of a reason to text him, talk to him to get a feel for where his head is... But experience tells me that if he even replies it will be cold towards me bc he's always been that way after sex. But going quiet afterward is definitely something new for me. I wonder if they even notice a change in our habits? Today's goal is to just try to hold it together and not text him.