"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Lostgirl186]

How is everyone? Today I want to break nc. I don't think I'm gonna have a good day wanting to to reach out to him as soon as I woke up today so I'm gonna keep myself as busy as possible and hope it passes

 

I know you pain. The last thing in my mind before falling asleep, the first thing there upon waking, only im letting it drive me insane that he has blocked me and I couldn't text him if wanted.

 

Why don't you tell me what you would tell him if you broke no contact?? What do you think he would say back? How would it make you feel?

 

I'm still lying in bed trying to force myself to get up. I know I will pass him on the road more than likely this morning and I know he will wave. I'm trying to decide if I'm just going to not acknowledge his wave, or flip him off.

[Adoraxx]

Hi Lostgirl, if you can, try to pretend that you didn't see him!!! I'm sure he'll hate that.

 

And angel, I hope you're feeling a little better by now.. it's really hard when you want to speak to him so badly. I do too, but I know he'll give me some stupid reply :/ so I'm just going to stay quiet even though it hurts a lot

[ImaginaryDream]

I hope it's ok to post this here too... but I'm having a hard day today as well. I work with my MM, and not just in the same building, but his cubicle is kitty-corner to mine so I get to hear his voice everyday, see him, smell him.. ugh. It makes it so much harder when I'm getting the cold shoulder from him. It's hard not to reach out and try to fix this.

[imperfectangel]

Thanks everyone I'm feeling a it better, still wanting to reach out though.

 

I was really stressed a few hours ago and like a total loser listened to a voicemail he left me a few weeks ago. I just wanted to hear his voice. It was a instant pick me up. How sad

 

I just miss him. I don't have anything specific to say. I just want to talk to him, smell him etc

 

Blaaaaaaaah I love him

[Lostgirl186]

Thanks everyone I'm feeling a it better, still wanting to reach out though.

 

I was really stressed a few hours ago and like a total loser listened to a voicemail he left me a few weeks ago. I just wanted to hear his voice. It was a instant pick me up. How sad

 

I just miss him. I don't have anything specific to say. I just want to talk to him, smell him etc

 

Blaaaaaaaah I love him

 

I'm having a hard day also. I physically feel sick. The need to talk to him, even if it means yelling at him, is almost overwhelming and knowing that I can't do it because I'm blocked is KILLING me. If he has just done it in the heat of the moment, and didn't intend on it sticking he would have unblocked me by now. I KNOW it's irrational of me to want him to unblock me... My mind tells me it's for the best... But my damn heart.. It hurts.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm having a hard day also. I physically feel sick. The need to talk to him, even if it means yelling at him, is almost overwhelming and knowing that I can't do it because I'm blocked is KILLING me. If he has just done it in the heat of the moment, and didn't intend on it sticking he would have unblocked me by now. I KNOW it's irrational of me to want him to unblock me... My mind tells me it's for the best... But my damn heart.. It hurts.

 

LADIES, it does go away if you keep the NC. Mine took much longer since I have to see him once a week but I swear to you I felt exactly like you all do and it's pretty much gone. I looked at him Tuesday and I noticed his arms - he does not workout ever and he's pushing 50. His skin was loose around his triceps - like an old man. He is soft (literally haha) I do not think 50 is old - I'm in my 40s but you need to take care of yourself at this age. He doesn't. I was like, how was I so hot for him? Seriously, the old man thing - big turnoff.

 

Yes, of course I check my email out of habit and it would be fun to get an email from him so I could ignore it, but I am not missing him, wondering what he is doing and so on.

 

One day you will look at these guys and think, WTF was I so obsessed about?!?

[Chica80]

Ladies....it's all a game to them. Then one who cares less wins.

When you feel something sit with it embrace the feeling and think about it. I'm in pain it hurts I want to talk to him etc....sit with it think about it feel it. It will pass if you embrace it.

[Adoraxx]

I hope it's ok to post this here too... but I'm having a hard day today as well. I work with my MM, and not just in the same building, but his cubicle is kitty-corner to mine so I get to hear his voice everyday, see him, smell him.. ugh. It makes it so much harder when I'm getting the cold shoulder from him. It's hard not to reach out and try to fix this.

 

Hi ImaginaryDream, of course you can post here!! It must be so hard for you that he works so close to you. Is there a possibility for you to look for another job?

[imperfectangel]

And I cannot wait for that day MB!!

[ImaginaryDream]

Hi ImaginaryDream, of course you can post here!! It must be so hard for you that he works so close to you. Is there a possibility for you to look for another job?

 

I wish it were a possibility.. without giving too much away, I work in a very specialized field, and each state only has one location where we do what we do. I'd have to transfer to another state or switch gears and change my career. There are other places I could go with my degree, but I just love my job and what I do so much. It's more likely that MM would leave before I would. I'm just telling myself that this won't kill me and I will survive it. It's just so miserable waiting for things to feel better.

 

The reason I haven't really posted my story or anything like that is because I'm not quite at the point yet where I'm sure I want to end things or go NC (LC in my case because of work). Logically I know this is going no where and it would be best for my mental health in the long run to nip this in the bud now, but my heart and emotions just won't listen.

[Lostgirl186]

I wish it were a possibility.. without giving too much away, I work in a very specialized field, and each state only has one location where we do what we do. I'd have to transfer to another state or switch gears and change my career. There are other places I could go with my degree, but I just love my job and what I do so much. It's more likely that MM would leave before I would. I'm just telling myself that this won't kill me and I will survive it. It's just so miserable waiting for things to feel better.

 

The reason I haven't really posted my story or anything like that is because I'm not quite at the point yet where I'm sure I want to end things or go NC (LC in my case because of work). Logically I know this is going no where and it would be best for my mental health in the long run to nip this in the bud now, but my heart and emotions just won't listen.

 

I feel your pain, and it makes me thankful that although we work for same company, we work from separate locations. It's hard.. My mind knows that NC is best.. My heart just can't accept it. Now that I'm cut off with no means of communication, I am lost. I guess in the back of My mind I knew that no matter what he said all I had to do was text him and he would eventually warm up again.

 

One dilemma I have here is that his "secretary" or "right hand man" so to speak, is one of my best friends.. She called very upset earlier bc they had a work fight- he said some pretty nasty things to her (they are like brother and sister, she's friends with his wife etc) .. And I don't know how on earth to tell her I can't talk about him without her knowing that he and I had a thing. I don't want to cut her out of my life... But I'm wondering if I may have to

[Blu72]

Why would you want him to ever "warm up to you" after what he said and did?

[Lostgirl186]

Why would you want him to ever "warm up to you" after what he said and did?

 

I wish I could answer that, I really do.. But idk myself.. I guess it's part of the addiction... It's part of the high after the low..

 

Tomorrow will be day number three of forced NC. That will be the longest we've gone in over a year without talking on workdays, with the exception of when he was vacationing with family. He's doing just fine while I think I felt worse today than yesterday... Maybe bc I didn't pass him like normal this morning, who knows at this point.. This has got to be rock bottom, can only get better from here, right?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sorry all, I have an unusual issue kind of related to xMM but not exactly. I was thinking I know men lurk here, maybe they had opinions as well. So I have a pretty good male friend for years who knows xMM and the whole saga - and xMM is aware this guy knows. My friend has made it clear me he thinks xMM is pond scum and all that and has done boatloads of listening for about 9 months now.

 

Well a few weeks ago, this friend left the organization we are all in and xMM came up to him outside and put out his hand. My friend shook it. I didn't want to make a huge thing out of it but I let him know that I would have liked him to not shake his hand. He says he didn't do anything wrong and didn't want drama. Granted, we are only friends but still, I feel somewhat stabbed in the back. He knows what this guy did to me and he chose to not look bad to a guy he hates over standing up for me.

 

In general I feel at a crossroad in my life. I can't explain it and I'm not sure anyone reading this will relate but once you come out of the fog, it's not only xMM who looks different - many people look different. There is a part of me now who wants to just dump anyone I feel is not on my side. I ignored my instincts about xMM and look where that got me. SO now I feel hyper alert, I am not sure if that makes sense?

 

There is no need for me to actually *do* anything really. I can just not really respond or whatever. Do you think I am wrong? Would this bother you? Is loyalty dead? Or can men and women never really be friends? This guy does not like me but maybe it's all about filling time or getting your needs met in a way. I don't know. I just don't trust anyone anymore, especially men.

[ImaginaryDream]

Sorry all, I have an unusual issue kind of related to xMM but not exactly. I was thinking I know men lurk here, maybe they had opinions as well. So I have a pretty good male friend for years who knows xMM and the whole saga - and xMM is aware this guy knows. My friend has made it clear me he thinks xMM is pond scum and all that and has done boatloads of listening for about 9 months now.

 

Well a few weeks ago, this friend left the organization we are all in and xMM came up to him outside and put out his hand. My friend shook it. I didn't want to make a huge thing out of it but I let him know that I would have liked him to not shake his hand. He says he didn't do anything wrong and didn't want drama. Granted, we are only friends but still, I feel somewhat stabbed in the back. He knows what this guy did to me and he chose to not look bad to a guy he hates over standing up for me.

 

In general I feel at a crossroad in my life. I can't explain it and I'm not sure anyone reading this will relate but once you come out of the fog, it's not only xMM who looks different - many people look different. There is a part of me now who wants to just dump anyone I feel is not on my side. I ignored my instincts about xMM and look where that got me. SO now I feel hyper alert, I am not sure if that makes sense?

 

There is no need for me to actually *do* anything really. I can just not really respond or whatever. Do you think I am wrong? Would this bother you? Is loyalty dead? Or can men and women never really be friends? This guy does not like me but maybe it's all about filling time or getting your needs met in a way. I don't know. I just don't trust anyone anymore, especially men.

 

I guess I would just put myself into your friend's shoes... What would've happened if he didn't shake his hand? More than likely there would have been some drama/bad feelings.. and from my experience, men like to avoid that at all costs. They can have their personal opinions and feelings about someone, but they usually don't act on it in a very public manner (again, just from my personal experience).

 

It's hard to make friends choose sides when a relationship has broken down. Sometimes they may resent the fact that they even have to choose a side. He may hate your xMM, but it's his decision how he'll act with him. Hopefully you have a good enough relationship where you can voice how uncomfortable you are with the whole thing, and he can listen and act accordingly. But I wouldn't hold anything against him, emotions always run high at times like this.

[Outofmysystem]

Blue I would agree with Dream, I think he just didn't want any drama over why he wouldn't shake his hand.....your friend I'm sure was thinking "*******" in his head, he just didn't act like it....us guys are pretty simple, you don't have to over think us.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I agree with the others. It was a handshake at a business event. Your xMM is about to be the leader of it, yes? Rather than burn a bridge he shook the guy's hand. They were also in public. What should be have done- slapped his hand away? I don't think this is an issue of loyalty. I think it's about propriety.

 

That being said I am having a hell of a time with people right now. Totally in the purging of friends phase. I guess it makes sense. I'm learning how to have boundaries and working on my self esteem and I just can't sit by and let people treat me like crap any more. I guess that's an upside of the A. Helping me recognize the way I'm being treated and working on making sure that I'm treated well.

[Jersey born raised]

Could you clarify who the "this Man" is in the last paragraph of your last post?

 

I would not have shook his hand but I am a BS, own my own home, no kids, own my car, no real bills. If I want something, I pay cash. I am 61 and work part time because I want to and I am thrifty. In short I am free to tell the world go piss the wrong way in an hurricane. Freedom got to love it

[MidnightBlue1980]

Could you clarify who the "this Man" is in the last paragraph of your last post?

 

I would not have shook his hand but I am a BS, own my own home, no kids, own my car, no real bills. If I want something, I pay cash. I am 61 and work part time because I want to and I am thrifty. In short I am free to tell the world go piss the wrong way in an hurricane. Freedom got to love it

 

I do not see where I wrote "this man" but I was referring to a guy I've known for 3+ years and been friends with, who knows everything about xMM and knows xMM.

 

My friend was leaving the organization but I see everyone's point, he had no obligation to me and chose the action which caused no drama. He actually is a BS as well and filed for divorce. We are just friends so perhaps it is that, but I will say, I see it as a lack of character. I don't know.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I agree with the others. It was a handshake at a business event. Your xMM is about to be the leader of it, yes? Rather than burn a bridge he shook the guy's hand. They were also in public. What should be have done- slapped his hand away? I don't think this is an issue of loyalty. I think it's about propriety.

 

That being said I am having a hell of a time with people right now. Totally in the purging of friends phase. I guess it makes sense. I'm learning how to have boundaries and working on my self esteem and I just can't sit by and let people treat me like crap any more. I guess that's an upside of the A. Helping me recognize the way I'm being treated and working on making sure that I'm treated well.

 

Exactly. Ok, fine. This guy did not want to make a stand but I do not feel the need to listen endlessly to his issues with his BS, his new GF and his never ending divorce saga. Why should I waste time with people who do not serve me?

 

It's so bizarre, it's like I am changing rapidly. I can almost feel it. I like your word - purging.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I guess I would just put myself into your friend's shoes... What would've happened if he didn't shake his hand? More than likely there would have been some drama/bad feelings.. and from my experience, men like to avoid that at all costs. They can have their personal opinions and feelings about someone, but they usually don't act on it in a very public manner (again, just from my personal experience).

 

It's hard to make friends choose sides when a relationship has broken down. Sometimes they may resent the fact that they even have to choose a side. He may hate your xMM, but it's his decision how he'll act with him. Hopefully you have a good enough relationship where you can voice how uncomfortable you are with the whole thing, and he can listen and act accordingly. But I wouldn't hold anything against him, emotions always run high at times like this.

 

What would have happened? xMM would have walked away. We were outside. You are right, you described 98% of the men in the world. In not picking a side, you have inadvertently picked a side by default.

 

It is possible I am now so jaded from xMM. I see every guy as no good, disloyal, and I just trust no one anymore. I used to be such a warm open person. That person is gone.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sorry, maybe I don't belong here anymore. I don't understand what I am going through, it doesn't fit with everyone's struggles, etc.

[ImaginaryDream]

What would have happened? xMM would have walked away. We were outside. You are right, you described 98% of the men in the world. In not picking a side, you have inadvertently picked a side by default.

 

It is possible I am now so jaded from xMM. I see every guy as no good, disloyal, and I just trust no one anymore. I used to be such a warm open person. That person is gone.

 

I understand where you're coming from.. There's a fine line between who I was, and who I am now. I used to be so open to everyone, trusting that I wouldn't be used or played because that is something I would never do to another person.. Now I've built up walls and am scared to even let them be breached by my closest of friends and family. I don't know whether to call that wisdom with experience or wariness from being hurt, but this whole situation has definitely changed me as a person. For better or worse, I couldn't say.

[ImaginaryDream]

Sorry, maybe I don't belong here anymore. I don't understand what I am going through, it doesn't fit with everyone's struggles, etc.

 

Don't think you don't belong. We're all struggling in some way or another. Maybe it's not exactly the same but the underlying current rings true with so many. It's comforting to know I'm not alone feeling lost and unsure of myself.

[OneLov]

I don't understand what I am going through

 

I think you just wanted someone to stand up for you and support you. Basically validate your pain. Despite making some choices that ultimately led to your current emotional state, you still got screwed over too. Idk, perhaps I'm wrong.