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"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

Lostgirl186

By Lostgirl186,
in General Relationship Discussion

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Ronnie33

Ronnie33

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LOST. I understand how painful it is. The issue is not really that he blocked you, or even him. He could be anyone. He was an escape from your painful marrage. What you thought was love when it's the one thing you are craving. Now "love is gone" but it's not.

Really it doesn't feel like it but it's the only way to heal and move forward.....

 

This is exactly what it is. It wasn't love, it was the escape. In reality it could have been any man, not just him. Until you get out of your marriage, you will feel like this.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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Who's had they're MM or MW abruptly block them? I don't even know how in supposed to let it go when it's all I think about. Ugh. I want to run away.

 

He did not block me but he ignored my attempts at contact. I won't be ignored though (haha, Fatal Attraction line) and since we see each other, I forced him to talk to me. I will say if you do that though, you won't get much out of it. I got a Word Salad. A bunch of nothing, his staring at his feet and saying he was sorry. I left just as confused as before.

 

But like I said, this guy waved at you, right? He does not want to be the bad guy. Trust me, he will resurface. You need to steel yourself to be strong and ignore him and remember how all this made you felt.

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Chica80

Chica80

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This is exactly what it is. It wasn't love, it was the escape. In reality it could have been any man, not just him. Until you get out of your marriage, you will feel like this.

 

Exactly....my husband doesn't love me only hurts me and my AP doesn't want me...I'm only good for sex...I'm not worthy, im nor gpod enough....

 

But it's lies all lies what we believe deep down

 

Sex is not love. Physical connection is not love. Love is actions

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Ronnie33

Ronnie33

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He did not block me but he ignored my attempts at contact. I won't be ignored though (haha, Fatal Attraction line) and since we see each other, I forced him to talk to me. I will say if you do that though, you won't get much out of it. I got a Word Salad. A bunch of nothing, his staring at his feet and saying he was sorry. I left just as confused as before.

 

But like I said, this guy waved at you, right? He does not want to be the bad guy. Trust me, he will resurface. You need to steel yourself to be strong and ignore him and remember how all this made you felt.

 

I think being ignored is worse. If you tell me you block me, ok but to ignore me like I'm nothing. That will make me flip out lol

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Lostgirl186

Lostgirl186

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He did not block me but he ignored my attempts at contact. I won't be ignored though (haha, Fatal Attraction line) and since we see each other, I forced him to talk to me. I will say if you do that though, you won't get much out of it. I got a Word Salad. A bunch of nothing, his staring at his feet and saying he was sorry. I left just as confused as before.

 

But like I said, this guy waved at you, right? He does not want to be the bad guy. Trust me, he will resurface. You need to steel yourself to be strong and ignore him and remember how all this made you felt.

 

I know I sound like a damn broken record but I just can't let it go.. Everything hurts and is numb at the same time. He hesitated this morning, but waved again, and I don't know what makes me feel worse, him waving or the day when he stops doing it. I know I need help. There are limited resources and funds available here.. And it's just not a good situation at all in my head right now. Thank you guys for listening.. I feel so alone

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ladydesigner

ladydesigner

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I think being ignored is worse. If you tell me you block me, ok but to ignore me like I'm nothing. That will make me flip out lol

 

 

I am sorry the whole 'ghosting' is another beast to deal with, but is not a reflection on you, more the MM and how cowardly and conflict-avoidant they are.

 

If it's ignoring due to a Dday it is because the BS is now watching.

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Rikki67

Rikki67

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Being ignored it THE WORST! But, i agree with Ladydesigner, it is just their cowardness showing. It hurts and it makes me feel like I never meant anything to him

I am also very close to breaking NC. I am trying so hard not to falter. I know it wouldn`t change a thing. 2 week NC is nothing.

I have to keep telling myself, he is where he wants to be with whom he wants to be. And that person is NOT ME.

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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Don't. I broke nc and even though he initially replied it didn't make me feel any better. I may as well of just read old emails. Same old, same old.

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rainbowsandkittens

rainbowsandkittens

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LOST. I understand how painful it is. The issue is not really that he blocked you, or even him. He could be anyone. He was an escape from your painful marrage. What you thought was love when it's the one thing you are craving. Now "love is gone" but it's not.

Really it doesn't feel like it but it's the only way to heal and move forward.....

 

I read something this weekend that struck me as relevant for this board. It was in response to someone getting out of a failing relationship. The person's friend said to her (this is paraphrased), "The love is yours. You get to keep it." Which is true. The love we gave to our APs? It's ours. We can take it back and use it on other people. Or, better yet, on ourselves. That's a much better use for it, isn't it?

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rainbowsandkittens

rainbowsandkittens

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My friend told me yesterday to read "He's just not that into you." I have. But in looking for something just now I found this:

 

“Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?”

― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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I think being ignored is worse. If you tell me you block me, ok but to ignore me like I'm nothing. That will make me flip out lol

 

It did. Immensely. Especially because he acted like he was in a Chinese prison. "I am being monitored." I would have respected him more if he was honest and said, I love my wife and I was a total jerk to both of you but I need to get my crap together. Instead he said, I am where I need to be for now.

 

WTF is that? Word Salad. I tell you, if he ever does anything to me, I'm taking his wife for a cup of coffee and showing her the evidence that he went into MC solely to give her a false sense of confidence so he could try to screw around again. I sent him all the texts from 2016, he thought I deleted them all, but I have them. He better leave me alone.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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I know I sound like a damn broken record but I just can't let it go.. Everything hurts and is numb at the same time. He hesitated this morning, but waved again, and I don't know what makes me feel worse, him waving or the day when he stops doing it. I know I need help. There are limited resources and funds available here.. And it's just not a good situation at all in my head right now. Thank you guys for listening.. I feel so alone

 

Don't worry about it. Vent away. Better to post 25 posts here in a row than send him 25 texts. Yes, I know he has you blocked but he may unblock you one day and get them all. How much cooler to unblock you.....and see nothing.

 

You are not going through anything we all have not gone through. We survived, so will you. You are strong. YOu are not alone.

 

BTW he waved because he feels like the bad guy. Let him. But also, don't worry about him. Worry about yourself. What is going on with your marriage? That is what I want to know.

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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Lost Girl, you are me 6 months ago. Yes I have my blips but overall I know the writings on the wall when it comes to my affair. It is all but over. He doesn't block me but does ignore me and give the silent treatment. Last time he did it for a little over 8 weeks. I thought I was going to die, never again will I ever let him (or anyone else) have so much control over my own emotions and let's face it health

 

You can get there but at some point you have to let go. You will have your light bulb moment.

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Grey Cloud

Grey Cloud

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Angel - is your MM coming to see you to talk it out or is that not happening now?

 

 

 

Lost Girl, you are me 6 months ago. Yes I have my blips but overall I know the writings on the wall when it comes to my affair. It is all but over. He doesn't block me but does ignore me and give the silent treatment. Last time he did it for a little over 8 weeks. I thought I was going to die, never again will I ever let him (or anyone else) have so much control over my own emotions and let's face it health

 

You can get there but at some point you have to let go. You will have your light bulb moment.

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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He said he didn't know when he could come. I told him when I was free (gave a few dates) no reply.

 

Who even cares anymore? That was Monday and I haven't even checked my email. The only person he needs to talk about us to is his wife

 

I'm over his stupid mess

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Grey Cloud

Grey Cloud

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He said he didn't know when he could come. I told him when I was free (gave a few dates) no reply.

 

Who even cares anymore? That was Monday and I haven't even checked my email. The only person he needs to talk about us to is his wife

 

I'm over his stupid mess

 

I know its hard. affairs just suck!

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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It's the way he handles it that makes it worse. I don't have the energy anymore. I don't want it to affect my life anymore. I was done before he came round and he sucked me back in.

 

I won't let him do that to me again

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ladydesigner

ladydesigner

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It's the way he handles it that makes it worse. I don't have the energy anymore. I don't want it to affect my life anymore. I was done before he came round and he sucked me back in.

 

I won't let him do that to me again

 

It's heartwrenching I hate that these WS's keep OW (and many OM go through this too) hanging on like this from a thread. It really is not fair or nice. It keeps a person in limbo.

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rainbowsandkittens

rainbowsandkittens

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It's the way he handles it that makes it worse. I don't have the energy anymore. I don't want it to affect my life anymore. I was done before he came round and he sucked me back in.

 

I won't let him do that to me again

 

 

Please please please- if he does get back to you tell him you don't want to see him. Even though this may not feel like closure, it is. When my AP stopped talking to me a friend of mine said, "He's giving you a gift." And I thought she was crazy. But I see it now. He let me go. He showed me who he was and what I truly meant to him. How hard is it to answer an email? To send a text? It's beyond easy. People are on their phones 24/7. So his not responding to you, going silent on you, whatever is him telling you how he really feels. Please, take this gift. Don't see him. And if you do- then don't sleep with him. It will only cloud things that are otherwise pretty clear.

 

And also know that even if you see him or sleep with him or whatever we are here for you. Bc we've all been there. It's just easier for us to tell someone else to do what we wish we could than it is to do it ourselves sometimes. :)

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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I told him I didn't want to see him last time. He still took a 3 hour drive to see me because he "couldn't leave it like this", ugh.

 

I'm semi over it.

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imperfectangel

imperfectangel

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It's heartwrenching I hate that these WS's keep OW (and many OM go through this too) hanging on like this from a thread. It really is not fair or nice. It keeps a person in limbo.

 

I agree. I'm more mad at myself because before I saw him last I was over it. I flat out told him I don't want to see you just leave me alone blah blah. He still turned up

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Poppy47

Poppy47

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Call the cops? Stalkers are freaky. He really needs to check himself.

 

I think he must know that she didn't really mean it. Otherwise, she would not have even let him in the front door.

Poppy

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ladydesigner

ladydesigner

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I agree. I'm more mad at myself because before I saw him last I was over it. I flat out told him I don't want to see you just leave me alone blah blah. He still turned up

 

Agh persistent like a fly!

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