"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ooooh ladies... look what I just found - a new disorder to dissect: HPD - Histrionic Personality Disorder...

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder

 

Thoughts?

 

Uh-oh. I have a lot of these. I am somewhat crazy. I don't blame others though, actually I blame myself all the time for everything. And I don't pretend to be sick.

 

However I have a friend with a PHD is psy and she said people with personality disorders are not self aware, plus I wouldn't have any friends if I was really crazy.

 

I am very dramatic though, sensitive to criticism and seek approval.

 

Additional characteristics may include:

 

Exhibitionist behavior

Constant seeking of reassurance or approval

Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval

Pride of own personality and unwillingness to change, viewing any change as a threat

Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior of a sexual nature

Using somatic symptoms (of physical illness) to garner attention

A need to be the center of attention

Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification

Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others

Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are

Making rash decisions[4]

Blaming personal failures or disappointments on others

Being easily influenced by others, especially those who treat them approvingly

Being overly dramatic and emotional[6]

[Lostgirl186]

I have an overwhelming urge to text and see if I'm still blocked.. I know that if I'm not, he will be cold and/or not reply and I will still feel crappy... And if I am still blocked, I will also feel crappy. I'm having one of those moments where I feel like I can't breathe and I need it to pass. I need him to no longer feel like he has power over me. I need to no longer feel that way.

[Chica80]

I have an overwhelming urge to text and see if I'm still blocked.. I know that if I'm not, he will be cold and/or not reply and I will still feel crappy... And if I am still blocked, I will also feel crappy. I'm having one of those moments where I feel like I can't breathe and I need it to pass. I need him to no longer feel like he has power over me. I need to no longer feel that way.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself? What do you need hI'm to give you? HE won't give it to you and it won't make you feel better. You already know this. Don't focus on him. Why do YOU keep going back?

[Ronnie33]

This man blocked you and talked to you like crap. Don't text him and look weak. He doesn't deserve it.

[imperfectangel]

I think he must know that she didn't really mean it. Otherwise, she would not have even let him in the front door.

Poppy

 

Lady designer and lobe (sorry can't multi quote on my phone) he said he "couldn't leave it like that" and needed to see me.

 

My plan was to get in his car tell him it's over and be done. But it just didn't go that way

 

One thing I have learnt though is that if he wants to do something he will do it. I guess all the radio silence means he just doesn't want to email me etc. Very telling.

 

We haven't had contact since Monday now and I'm pretty much over it tbh, well as much as I can be. I don't need to reach out to him etc

 

How are you Ronnie?

[Lostgirl186]

Why are you doing this to yourself? What do you need hI'm to give you? HE won't give it to you and it won't make you feel better. You already know this. Don't focus on him. Why do YOU keep going back?

 

I don't know :-( . I don't know why I am the way I am.. Bc I tried to act like it was just physical all this time for me and it obviously wasn't.. Because before the inappropriate things started, when we still worked together we were actually friends and he was a decent person. Maybe bc I know that I can never go back, and I can't seem to let go. I crave the few good days we have when he warms up and I see a little bit of the old him. And in the grand scheme of things, it's been hard for me to accept that after knowing someone ten years and having a two year affair, it's hard to accept that I meant nothing and he can just end things and be ok. It's hard knowing how pathetic all of that sounds and is, but not being able to NOT feel that way. He's the only person I've ever met that can make the hair on the back of my neck stand up by being in the same room... And the only person I've ever had sexual chemistry with to the extent that if ever in a room alone we cannot keep our hands off of each other.. I know that most of that is probably the attraction of it being "forbidden" or "secret."

[imperfectangel]

Lost girl, trust me if his wife was in the room he would definately not be all over you

[Chica80]

I don't know :-( . I don't know why I am the way I am.. Bc I tried to act like it was just physical all this time for me and it obviously wasn't.. Because before the inappropriate things started, when we still worked together we were actually friends and he was a decent person. Maybe bc I know that I can never go back, and I can't seem to let go. I crave the few good days we have when he warms up and I see a little bit of the old him. And in the grand scheme of things, it's been hard for me to accept that after knowing someone ten years and having a two year affair, it's hard to accept that I meant nothing and he can just end things and be ok. It's hard knowing how pathetic all of that sounds and is, but not being able to NOT feel that way. He's the only person I've ever met that can make the hair on the back of my neck stand up by being in the same room... And the only person I've ever had sexual chemistry with to the extent that if ever in a room alone we cannot keep our hands off of each other.. I know that most of that is probably the attraction of it being "forbidden" or "secret."

 

Trust me I understand that feeling....it can be intoxicating. But this still has nothing to do with him...it still has to do with you. Your feelings your pain your healing. You're looking for him to fix something he can't fix.

 

I remember telling MM once I want my heart back because you don't know how to take care of it..... my heart was broken wounded in pain (before him) and I thought he could help heal it. But all he did was put a temporary bandaid over a huge wound that just opened up more....

 

He does not care about you or your pain. He blamed you for everything like you were some sex starved crazy person....don't play into it. You are worth more than that.

[Lostgirl186]

Trust me I understand that feeling....it can be intoxicating. But this still has nothing to do with him...it still has to do with you. Your feelings your pain your healing. You're looking for him to fix something he can't fix.

 

I remember telling MM once I want my heart back because you don't know how to take care of it..... my heart was broken wounded in pain (before him) and I thought he could help heal it. But all he did was put a temporary bandaid over a huge wound that just opened up more....

 

He does not care about you or your pain. He blamed you for everything like you were some sex starved crazy person....don't play into it. You are worth more than that.

 

 

I haven't text.. I know I'm better off not knowing if I'm blocked or not.. I actually had a decent day yesterday.. I guess it's all part of the ups and downs... I told him once a few months ago that the worst thing he could do would be to let me start feeling better and then change his mind again.. That's what I fear.. To get to a point of not feeling better and then he show up. It's out of character for him, but then again I've never given him opportunity to show up bc I've always been there. We also have a company function Next week that o have tried to get out of but looks like it will be required... I think finding that out today also has me in a mess

[Chica80]

Oh lost I'm so sorry I know how that can be....last week we had been fine "friendly" saw him this weekend.....and was not fine was painful.

Today I saw him for the first time, if he can smile and act like all is right with the world so can I

 

He is not my whole world he does not control my emotions. I'm finding what I'm worth what I deserve. So I'm faking until I believe it.

[Lobe]

I haven't text.. I know I'm better off not knowing if I'm blocked or not.. I actually had a decent day yesterday.. I guess it's all part of the ups and downs... I told him once a few months ago that the worst thing he could do would be to let me start feeling better and then change his mind again.. That's what I fear.. To get to a point of not feeling better and then he show up. It's out of character for him, but then again I've never given him opportunity to show up bc I've always been there. We also have a company function Next week that o have tried to get out of but looks like it will be required... I think finding that out today also has me in a mess

 

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. You're not anywhere close to that yet, so let's take baby steps. You CAN do this, Lost! I have faith!

 

Here are some fun things you can do to help remind yourself why tis better to ignore than be ignored.

 

1) Living well is the best revenge. Get up, put your lipstick on, make a proper lunch, hit the gym, and take care of yourself.

 

2) Block him. If you can't do this, at least delete his number from your phone - even if it only takes you an extra 12 seconds to remember what his number is, at least it's not just there at your fingertips.

 

3) Count to 60 every time you are missing him. Spend those 60 seconds recalling all the horrible ways he makes you feel and all the times you've felt like garbage because you always have been and always will be Number Two.

 

4) Your body remembers things and can clue you in to deeper feelings. Try stomp your foot every time you feel anger towards him so that the next time you feel yourself softening towards him you can simply stomp your foot and remember that he hurts you and deserves nothing but your scorn. I can't remember who said they were going to start punching themselves in the face every time they thought of their AP but this might be less difficult to explain than self-inflicted black eyes...

 

5) Make several paper voodoo dolls of him that you can destroy with childish graffiti and a pair of scissors. Draw a fat beer cut and devil horns on his stupid little paper body, remove his little paper genitals and throw them in the garburetor, throw darts at his annoying piggy little paper face, cut out, chew up, and spit out his little black paper heart... You could really have a lot of fun with this without even trying. Later, you could move up to play-doh... lol

 

Stay strong, Lost. You're bigger than this. You deserve more. His BS deserves more. Don't give him his ego kibbles. Starve him.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Ooooh ladies... look what I just found - a new disorder to dissect: HPD - Histrionic Personality Disorder...

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder

 

Thoughts?

 

My xAP read a book about personality traits and told me I was on the histrionic side. Lovely.

 

I was thinking today about how he took back all the nice things he said about me. When things were in the beginning stages he liked to say how he loved my voice and accent. And one of the last times I saw him I said something about his accent and sort of asked if he missed mine and he responded that he didn't bc people in his office here sounded like me. I remember totally deflating. There were other things too but that came to me this morning. Even when I break up with someone I can still hold on to things I loved/ enjoyed about them. Maybe some things fade with time, sure. But it was like he negated everything he ever told me. I know that limerence and affair fog are real things but this felt like something different. Like there was a little cruelty to it. I don't know.

[Lobe]

Uh-oh. I have a lot of these. I am somewhat crazy. I don't blame others though, actually I blame myself all the time for everything. And I don't pretend to be sick.

 

However I have a friend with a PHD is psy and she said people with personality disorders are not self aware, plus I wouldn't have any friends if I was really crazy.

 

I am very dramatic though, sensitive to criticism and seek approval.

 

Additional characteristics may include:

 

Exhibitionist behavior

Constant seeking of reassurance or approval

Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval

Pride of own personality and unwillingness to change, viewing any change as a threat

Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior of a sexual nature

Using somatic symptoms (of physical illness) to garner attention

A need to be the center of attention

Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification

Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others

Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are

Making rash decisions[4]

Blaming personal failures or disappointments on others

Being easily influenced by others, especially those who treat them approvingly

Being overly dramatic and emotional[6]

 

I think it's actually super funny and super awesome they have medicalized being a freakin' drama queen! Though really, the comorbid conditions (narcissism, socio/psychopathy, codependency, addictions, etc.) are important factors to consider when determining if this is a habitual and just a central part of someone's personality or actually a medical condition causing social dysfunction independently of one of the aforementioned comorbid conditions...

[Lostgirl186]

Lobe, you always swoop in when I need a pick me up.. I really admire and envy you... Your strength.. You've take a bad situation and come out on top. I did finally delete his number.. I haven't been able to block it yet.. I guess it's the annoying voice in the back of my head screaming "he may miss you at some point, you e never ignored him for this long, if he reaches out you will know he cares and can move on..." My logical brain tells me that IF he reaches out, it won't help me move on, it will just suck me back in.. I guess that's a part of trying to kick the addiction? A battle between what you know is right and what your idiot half of the brain thinks it wants...

 

I've been trying to pinch myself or bang my knobby knees on my desk when I think about him today... I had a photo on my desk of him, me, and another coworker from a few years ago, I sharpeed him out this morning.. Childish but you know. I came home for dinner, had the phone almost ready to send some stupid message just to see if it would go thru, but logged on here and saw your reply first... So I think it's passed for a little bit.. If I can just make it 3 more hours I'll be safe.

 

 

 

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. You're not anywhere close to that yet, so let's take baby steps. You CAN do this, Lost! I have faith!

 

Here are some fun things you can do to help remind yourself why tis better to ignore than be ignored.

 

1) Living well is the best revenge. Get up, put your lipstick on, make a proper lunch, hit the gym, and take care of yourself.

 

2) Block him. If you can't do this, at least delete his number from your phone - even if it only takes you an extra 12 seconds to remember what his number is, at least it's not just there at your fingertips.

 

3) Count to 60 every time you are missing him. Spend those 60 seconds recalling all the horrible ways he makes you feel and all the times you've felt like garbage because you always have been and always will be Number Two.

 

4) Your body remembers things and can clue you in to deeper feelings. Try stomp your foot every time you feel anger towards him so that the next time you feel yourself softening towards him you can simply stomp your foot and remember that he hurts you and deserves nothing but your scorn. I can't remember who said they were going to start punching themselves in the face every time they thought of their AP but this might be less difficult to explain than self-inflicted black eyes...

 

5) Make several paper voodoo dolls of him that you can destroy with childish graffiti and a pair of scissors. Draw a fat beer cut and devil horns on his stupid little paper body, remove his little paper genitals and throw them in the garburetor, throw darts at his annoying piggy little paper face, cut out, chew up, and spit out his little black paper heart... You could really have a lot of fun with this without even trying. Later, you could move up to play-doh... lol

 

Stay strong, Lost. You're bigger than this. You deserve more. His BS deserves more. Don't give him his ego kibbles. Starve him.

[Lobe]

I've been trying to pinch myself or bang my knobby knees on my desk when I think about him today... I had a photo on my desk of him, me, and another coworker from a few years ago, I sharpeed him out this morning.. Childish but you know. I came home for dinner, had the phone almost ready to send some stupid message just to see if it would go thru, but logged on here and saw your reply first... So I think it's passed for a little bit.. If I can just make it 3 more hours I'll be safe.

 

OMG Sharpie love haha!!! SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

 

HAHA!!!!!! Brilliant.

[Lostgirl186]

I made it thru the bad withdrawals today.. I didn't cave... I know it's not a big accomplishment but I had my phone in my hand several times today about to text just to see if I was still blocked.. And I didn't... So I'm safe until Monday, when it will probably start all over again. This afternoon I kept telling myself, if I AM unblocked, he's probably thinking I'm going to text him bc I always do... Even though I know he never gave me a second thought all week, I told myself it would bother him to not hear from me when I've literally been right there for two years... Baby steps, right??

[Lobe]

I made it thru the bad withdrawals today.. I didn't cave... I know it's not a big accomplishment but I had my phone in my hand several times today about to text just to see if I was still blocked.. And I didn't... So I'm safe until Monday, when it will probably start all over again. This afternoon I kept telling myself, if I AM unblocked, he's probably thinking I'm going to text him bc I always do... Even though I know he never gave me a second thought all week, I told myself it would bother him to not hear from me when I've literally been right there for two years... Baby steps, right??

 

Are you kidding me?! It's totally huge. Or... 'UGE as one pompous pumpkin head might say!

 

Just keep swimming, swimming swimming... It will get easier and feel more empowering every time you manage to accomplish one baby step after another.

 

Fun plans for the weekend? I'm planning on napping between driving shifts to the kids' extracurricular activities and consuming some mojitos. #goals

[Chica80]

LOST so proud you did awesome.

 

LObe glad to see you are back.

[Lobe]

It's good to be back - I missed my home gurlz up in the loveshack...

[MidnightBlue1980]

I made it thru the bad withdrawals today.. I didn't cave... I know it's not a big accomplishment but I had my phone in my hand several times today about to text just to see if I was still blocked.. And I didn't... So I'm safe until Monday, when it will probably start all over again. This afternoon I kept telling myself, if I AM unblocked, he's probably thinking I'm going to text him bc I always do... Even though I know he never gave me a second thought all week, I told myself it would bother him to not hear from me when I've literally been right there for two years... Baby steps, right??

 

Good for you lostgirl. I dont know if this makes you feel better or worse, since I am further out than you, but I struggle. Many a time I've texted a bunch of crazy texts late at night. It's a combination of the situation and helplessness. You feel like you just don't understand and if you could just hear one perfect thing, you'd feel better and have closure. But it's a lie, there is nothing the guy can say to make you feel better. It comes from within and time.

 

Even tonight, I had a weak moment of hating him, how is it fair that there were no repercussions to his life. His W knows the BS story he sold her and nothing about 2016 and how he lies to her. And I played it out in my head, me telling her. And she wouldn't believe me, I'd get nothing out of it, only look bitter and crazy.

 

I can't tell you karma would get these guys because honestly, wouldn't we go down with them? We are hardly innocent. Rather it's a learning experience. So we never do it again...

[imsosad]

Good for you, Lost Girl.

You know why this is great? Because we base our expectations of ourselves on previous behaviors. Now you *know* that you can get through this type of wave and next time it happens, you have good reference. You can look back to this "urge attack" and tell yourself you'll get through it again,just like you already did before.

This is why I feel sticking to NC has to be 100%. When you break it, you lose faith in your ability to walk away. Getting through a wave, like you just did, assures you that you can do it.

Good job,so happy you didnt text.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I made it thru the bad withdrawals today.. I didn't cave... I know it's not a big accomplishment but I had my phone in my hand several times today about to text just to see if I was still blocked.. And I didn't... So I'm safe until Monday, when it will probably start all over again. This afternoon I kept telling myself, if I AM unblocked, he's probably thinking I'm going to text him bc I always do... Even though I know he never gave me a second thought all week, I told myself it would bother him to not hear from me when I've literally been right there for two years... Baby steps, right??

 

Lostgirl, I haven't followed your story and I am wondering why he blocked you? I am not sure if this will help you but i have my MM blocked for a number of reasons 1 being that he is the one who typically breaks and texts me and i know this cannot happen because I am in R with my husband. Hearing from him would only cause me deep deep pain knowing we cannot be together because we are both married and I have made the choice to move forward with my husband. He is still in a place where his W doesn't know about our affair so nothing in his life has changed and he cannot understand why and where i am in my life. So blocking wasn't done to be mean or because i hate him quite the opposite in fact i am blocking him trying to do the best thing-create time and distance between us so the pain eventually goes away and we can move forward with our lives.

 

I don't know if that will cause you any less pain but i hope it eases it somewhat.

 

I dont think the MM who block and ghost their AP's are walking away free from pain. If they are anything like me they are walking away with a HUGE amount of pain and regret. Pain in my case for hurting my spouse and family and pain for hurting my MM who, though i really dont think he ever would have left his family, still in his mind he would have and i did him wrong by confessing my affair and moving forward with my husband. I have to live with him hating and hurting because of my choices and this is a very difficult cross to bare.

[Lostgirl186]

Good for you, Lost Girl.

You know why this is great? Because we base our expectations of ourselves on previous behaviors. Now you *know* that you can get through this type of wave and next time it happens, you have good reference. You can look back to this "urge attack" and tell yourself you'll get through it again,just like you already did before.

This is why I feel sticking to NC has to be 100%. When you break it, you lose faith in your ability to walk away. Getting through a wave, like you just did, assures you that you can do it.

Good job,so happy you didnt text.

 

I've never tonight of it this way. But it absolutely is the first time I have ever powered thru an urge that strong... I've done on today. We have never talked on weekends anyway bc of being home with families.. But I hate that I've even let him be on my mind today.. I mean, it's not like these MM are sitting at home spending their day off wondering about us, right?

[Lostgirl186]

Lostgirl, I haven't followed your story and I am wondering why he blocked you? I am not sure if this will help you but i have my MM blocked for a number of reasons 1 being that he is the one who typically breaks and texts me and i know this cannot happen because I am in R with my husband. Hearing from him would only cause me deep deep pain knowing we cannot be together because we are both married and I have made the choice to move forward with my husband. He is still in a place where his W doesn't know about our affair so nothing in his life has changed and he cannot understand why and where i am in my life. So blocking wasn't done to be mean or because i hate him quite the opposite in fact i am blocking him trying to do the best thing-create time and distance between us so the pain eventually goes away and we can move forward with our lives.

 

I don't know if that will cause you any less pain but i hope it eases it somewhat.

 

I dont think the MM who block and ghost their AP's are walking away free from pain. If they are anything like me they are walking away with a HUGE amount of pain and regret. Pain in my case for hurting my spouse and family and pain for hurting my MM who, though i really dont think he ever would have left his family, still in his mind he would have and i did him wrong by confessing my affair and moving forward with my husband. I have to live with him hating and hurting because of my choices and this is a very difficult cross to bare.

 

Long story short, we've been in tbis situation for a little over two years... The sex every other month of so since the beginning of this year... And every time we are physical, he gets really cold, says we can't do it again, and becomes really nasty toward me.. Our most recent "encounter" was two weeks ago.. We didn't speak for a few days and when I finally text him he said that MY self control was bad for his health and that it was adding more stress to his life and he was blocking me... .. And I do feel like part of that is because he knows he can't tell me no.. The cycle has always been he will be cold for a few weeks.. Start warming up.. I'll see a week or so of the old him... And then we get close, whether it be physical or just talking a lot and/or phone sex etc he backs off again... This is the first time he has blocked me and the the longest we've gone without talking... I do think some parts of him does it bc he's afraid of getting caught..

[Grey Cloud]

Long story short, we've been in tbis situation for a little over two years... The sex every other month of so since the beginning of this year... And every time we are physical, he gets really cold, says we can't do it again, and becomes really nasty toward me.. Our most recent "encounter" was two weeks ago.. We didn't speak for a few days and when I finally text him he said that MY self control was bad for his health and that it was adding more stress to his life and he was blocking me... .. And I do feel like part of that is because he knows he can't tell me no.. The cycle has always been he will be cold for a few weeks.. Start warming up.. I'll see a week or so of the old him... And then we get close, whether it be physical or just talking a lot and/or phone sex etc he backs off again... This is the first time he has blocked me and the the longest we've gone without talking... I do think some parts of him does it bc he's afraid of getting caught..

 

He is probably very afraid of being caught. I bet his wife can sense things are different or off at home and these MM want their life to be easy. They don't want drama. Blocking is his insurance policy as he knows he has no self control even though he is projected that lack of self control as your fault. It's really not worth feeling like **** and feeling empty after a physical encounter so this is the best thing that can happen and the quickest way for you to heal even though the pain is excruciating now.