"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[MidnightBlue1980]

I was away from my computer a lot this weekend but read all the posts online. For some reason I have no idea what my password is, its saved on my computer, but I can't login on my phone.

 

I just want to say - Friday and today were difficult for me. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks (no meeting this week, holiday) and we've had zero contact. I will admit I thought I'd get some pointless email which I could happily ignore - it was my bday last week, he knew I had an injury, whatever reason - but all was silent. I could say it is him finally respecting my wishes for NC but it's not as I know he does not respect me at all. I just was irrelevant, non existent to him.

 

I am reading all your threads and it's not so much that I am sad, missing and loving him (been there and thankfully out of that place) but I just really see how I just did not matter to him. Anyone who has followed my story knows that that should not be a shocker, this guy is a sociopath. It's just that realization - and it hurts. I'm getting through it, at a snails pace.

 

Hubs and I talked today and he said how he was glad I stuck it out and did not run from xmm, that I will be a stronger person. I hope so. I am not sure sometimes which is worse - running to survive or staying to fight. It is Tough to have to deal with someone who used you and would do so again if you allowed it. Maybe it builds character?

 

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for posting because I feel less alone, my story is not very unusual, there is no special romance to it. It's just the same old, same old. Maybe that is the toughest part, accepting you were played, that he was not a great guy, that you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time and you got used like a tissue

[Red123]

Good for you lostgirl. I dont know if this makes you feel better or worse, since I am further out than you, but I struggle. Many a time I've texted a bunch of crazy texts late at night. It's a combination of the situation and helplessness. You feel like you just don't understand and if you could just hear one perfect thing, you'd feel better and have closure. But it's a lie, there is nothing the guy can say to make you feel better. It comes from within and time.

 

Even tonight, I had a weak moment of hating him, how is it fair that there were no repercussions to his life. His W knows the BS story he sold her and nothing about 2016 and how he lies to her. And I played it out in my head, me telling her. And she wouldn't believe me, I'd get nothing out of it, only look bitter and crazy.

 

I can't tell you karma would get these guys because honestly, wouldn't we go down with them? We are hardly innocent. Rather it's a learning experience. So we never do it again...

 

This is hard on both ends. I sometimes think the same of the MOW my H had an affair with. I didn't expose at all. Didn't contact her H. I just left her alone, I never have had any contact with her. It sucks to be going through such pain and believing the other half has none, but we have to let it go(easier said than done:). At the end of the day I really made the choice because she has 2 very little children and I wasn't comfortable ruining their lives. I know, she chose her part, but I couldn't. All I wanted was for her to stay away, and after a few attempted contacts she did. So I left it alone. Many times I have imagined telling her H, but even the fantasy doesn't bring me any peace. She has to deal with herself, this was her second affair, as your xmm has to deal too. You are better off focussing your energy on your life, as we only get one. Sorry, I had to comment as this is something I have struggled with too.

[imperfectangel]

I have really struggled this weekend. Literally being sat on my hands. I really want to reach out. I know it won't make me feel any better which is the only thing stopping me.

 

This sucks. I feel like siht while he gets to play happy families and surround himself with people that thinks he's this great family man. Pfft.

[Lobe]

I have really struggled this weekend. Literally being sat on my hands. I really want to reach out. I know it won't make me feel any better which is the only thing stopping me.

 

This sucks. I feel like siht while he gets to play happy families and surround himself with people that thinks he's this great family man. Pfft.

 

If it's any consolation, I had to play happy family with my WH in front of a bunch of his coworkers tonight. One of the guys that knows about the A stares at me like I have 8 nostrils and a spare tit growing out of my shoulder and could not be more awkward trying to carry on a conversation with me. Nights like this I am reminded how much easier life would be if I just walked away from all this bullsh*t. Call up his xOW and be like, "Nope, I changed my mind - YOU win - he's all yours..."

 

So, I made fudge. A double batch of brown sugar fudge. Which I promptly wrapped and delivered half to the neighbors and put most of the rest in the freezer in individual servings with the number of calories written on the baggies because I lost 100lbs and I refuse to gain it back. But ohhhhh, tonight would be a very bad night to get into the godd*amned fudge. They'd find me in a pool of my own vomit or maybe in a diabetic coma in the morning... WH knew I was stressing. If I make fudge instead of mix up a mojito, he knows it's been a really really bad day.

[Lobe]

running to survive or staying to fight

 

today my flight instinct is stronger than my fight

 

triggery weekend

[imperfectangel]

Lobe I actually need a really great recipe for creamy vanilla fudge if you have any.... I need fudge right now

 

I'm actually thinking of sending him a nc email and just blocking him (I will tell him I am blocking) I need to move on and just want this to be over

 

Yes I love him yes I want us to be together but he does NOT. And that's all that really matters right now

[Lobe]

Lobe I actually need a really great recipe for creamy vanilla fudge if you have any.... I need fudge right now

 

I'm actually thinking of sending him a nc email and just blocking him (I will tell him I am blocking) I need to move on and just want this to be over

 

Yes I love him yes I want us to be together but he does NOT. And that's all that really matters right now

 

Only brown sugar fudge. Though honestly, I'd have eaten the instant hot chocolate powder an hour ago if I didn't have something to do with my hands. Sorry...

 

And just ghost him. No NC letter. No explanation letter. Just *poof* gone. That (to me) sounds so much more satisfying. Seriously, listen to the folks here complain about how much worse it is when their MM just goes dark, blocks with no explanation, no d-day, nothing. It makes them cray cray. Be that person. Be the one who just vanishes into thin air....

 

~insert whistling wind noises and a tumbling tumbleweed here~

[elaine567]

And every time we are physical, he gets really cold, says we can't do it again, and becomes really nasty toward me.. Our most recent "encounter" was two weeks ago.. We didn't speak for a few days and when I finally text him he said that MY self control was bad for his health and that it was adding more stress to his life and he was blocking me... .. And I do feel like part of that is because he knows he can't tell me no.. The cycle has always been he will be cold for a few weeks.. Start warming up.. I'll see a week or so of the old him... And then we get close, whether it be physical or just talking a lot and/or phone sex etc he backs off again... This is the first time he has blocked me and the the longest we've gone without talking... I do think some parts of him does it bc he's afraid of getting caught..

 

 

The push-pull of the married man.

 

He gets horny, he warms to you, you get physical, he feels guilty, he backs off, he becomes cold and distant.

 

He gets horny, he warms to you, you get physical, he feels guilty, he backs off, he becomes cold and distant.

 

He gets horny, he warms to you, you get physical, he feels guilty, he backs off, he becomes cold and distant..

[imperfectangel]

I know what you mean lobe but I've known him 18 years. It isn't a quick fling or ONS. I want a definitive end. I don't want him to wonder what I meant by anything, I want him to know it is over - and it is not up for debate.

 

I don't intend on waffling on just a simple, it is over. Do not contact me you are blocked. The end.

 

He doesn't deserve for me to explain the whys etc

[imperfectangel]

I never knew you could block someone on fb if they've already blocked you but you can that is done now. I know he can't spy on me. Baby steps

[imsosad]

Lobe- Ugh. So sorry you had to deal with this situation. You bring such energy,generousity andove to this board and I hope you husband is thanking his lucky stars every day that he's got you. You made this decision and sometimes it sucks. That's what I was trying to say on the happy endings thread-once an affair is in motion, no matter what you do, and what decision you make, it's always going to feel like s*** at times. I really hope you're feeling better.

Midnight- Sorry to read about your rough weekend. I noticed multiple refrences on your different posts about the length of time it's taking you to heal. I can see how frustrating 'a snail's pace' can be, but you've endured a life shattering experience. It is taking you time to heal because you're actually dealing with what happened. Also, psychopaths can mess with your mind in a way that is hard to explain. My close friend literally crawled away from a year long involvement with a psychopath. This girl has been through plenty in her life, she says this experience is by far the most difficult to digest wnd process. On the surface,her guy was whip smart,outgoing,super successful. The interaction with him nearly threw her over the edge.

It will keep getting better.

.

[Lostgirl186]

This... I feel the same way.. I can't get thru a few hours without his stupid head popping in my kind... All the while he's playing husband of the year, citizen of the year, family man of the year all over this town... And the world will never know... I've done enough damage, I could never be the person who told his wife or ruined his kids life..but I guess it's natural to have dreams of watching it come crashing down when your hurting and they're not

 

I have really struggled this weekend. Literally being sat on my hands. I really want to reach out. I know it won't make me feel any better which is the only thing stopping me.

 

This sucks. I feel like siht while he gets to play happy families and surround himself with people that thinks he's this great family man. Pfft.

[imperfectangel]

Lost Girl. Today I blocked my mm on fb, as well as his wife

 

I really do feel like I woke up today "over it". I know there are many rough days to come but they're getting easier

 

When I say I want to contact him it isn't to tell him how much I miss him etc it's to put the final nail in and tell him it's over, and to go complete nc

 

Complete nc is what I'm struggling with as really, he is a good person I would like to be friends - clearly this isn't possible but had I met him under different circumstances, work for example I'm sure we could've been good friends if nothing else

[MidnightBlue1980]

Lost Girl. Today I blocked my mm on fb, as well as his wife

 

I really do feel like I woke up today "over it". I know there are many rough days to come but they're getting easier

 

When I say I want to contact him it isn't to tell him how much I miss him etc it's to put the final nail in and tell him it's over, and to go complete nc

 

Complete nc is what I'm struggling with as really, he is a good person I would like to be friends - clearly this isn't possible but had I met him under different circumstances, work for example I'm sure we could've been good friends if nothing else

 

I struggled with the friends thing. There are so many people out there. You can make new friends. Plus once you really start this, you will not think he is such a good person. You will be getting angry and not want to be his friend. Trust me on this.

 

FB is a good start. I have both mm and his wife blocked. They have never bothered me, it's for me, so I don't see anything. I did it a while ago.

[imperfectangel]

Mm blocked me ages for "insurance" so I didn't think I could block him but the gods of Fb found a way lol

[MidnightBlue1980]

Mm blocked me ages for "insurance" so I didn't think I could block him but the gods of Fb found a way lol

 

I am pretty sure it's not possible to block someone if they have blocked you. You wouldn't be able to find their profile to hit the block button. He must have unblocked you. So that should make you feel good.

[imperfectangel]

Well I went on fb where you enter the email address or name of who you want to block and when I typed in his name his was the top one.

 

I know when you unblock people you can't re-block for 48 hrs. Wouldn't surprise me if every now and then he unblocked me though if he wanted to know what was going on with me he could've just asked lol

[Lobe]

Well I went on fb where you enter the email address or name of who you want to block and when I typed in his name his was the top one.

 

I know when you unblock people you can't re-block for 48 hrs. Wouldn't surprise me if every now and then he unblocked me though if he wanted to know what was going on with me he could've just asked lol

 

Oh, how fun! He unblocked and you happened to find that window lol...

 

(Why am I so gleeful about you getting a lick in? I hope it smarts like a b*tch lol)

[imperfectangel]

Lol I am very, VERY smug right now hahahaha I'm not even gonna send him a nc email he'll know either when he goes to check again or when he goes to block me. Literally lol'ing my ass off hahahahaha

[Lobe]

Lol I am very, VERY smug right now hahahaha I'm not even gonna send him a nc email he'll know either when he goes to check again or when he goes to block me. Literally lol'ing my ass off hahahahaha

 

I'm giggling with you lol!

 

Him: I better go block her again now... Wonder FB has... Wait, wha...? Where is she? She must have deleted her account... she wouldn't have blocked me, would she? No...

 

The best part is, you are taking back your power. Grip it in a death grip like the winning lotto ticket and don't let go lol

[imperfectangel]

I've also deleted my what's app today. I must admit I used to send him smoke signals on there. Or in January-April he was ignoring me id put these song quotes on *cringe*. He'd already blocked me on there but I knew he could still see what I wrote, but he never let on he knew.

 

I never use it anyway so I just deleted it.

 

Gone from Facebook and what's app in one day ?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've also deleted my what's app today. I must admit I used to send him smoke signals on there. Or in January-April he was ignoring me id put these song quotes on *cringe*. He'd already blocked me on there but I knew he could still see what I wrote, but he never let on he knew.

 

I never use it anyway so I just deleted it.

 

Gone from Facebook and what's app in one day ?

 

I'm 99.9% sure he must have unblocked you and yes, he will be really shocked to see you blocked him. It is so much better to be the one who blocks and ignores. Yes it hurts but at least you feel in control.

[Lobe]

I've also deleted my what's app today. I must admit I used to send him smoke signals on there. Or in January-April he was ignoring me id put these song quotes on *cringe*. He'd already blocked me on there but I knew he could still see what I wrote, but he never let on he knew.

 

I never use it anyway so I just deleted it.

 

Gone from Facebook and what's app in one day ?

 

RAH RAH

sis boom BAH

ImperfectAngel's pwning him

HA HA HA

[imperfectangel]

lol I literally cannot wipe the smile off my face!

 

I wish I could see the look on his face when he goes to block me again hahahahaha

[MidnightBlue1980]

lol I literally cannot wipe the smile off my face!

 

I wish I could see the look on his face when he goes to block me again hahahahaha

 

I know. That is awesome.