"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Chica80]

The last couple days have been bad. I don't even know what it is....I just feel so in a fog. I'm constantly on LS. Yesterday I could not even focus forgetting even basic work task. I feel I have a really good week I make good steps forward....and then back.

It's the push and pull. I want to be the one to move on leave him behind. I don't want to be left. Not thought about. Does that make sense?

[MidnightBlue1980]

The last couple days have been bad. I don't even know what it is....I just feel so in a fog. I'm constantly on LS. Yesterday I could not even focus forgetting even basic work task. I feel I have a really good week I make good steps forward....and then back.

It's the push and pull. I want to be the one to move on leave him behind. I don't want to be left. Not thought about. Does that make sense?

 

Of course. Yes. I have the same good days and bad days. If you wait you will get an opportunity to ignore him or ask for NC. But it won't be the elixir you want because what you want, you couldn't get. Don't think of it as you were left though. Think of it as sometimes the universe protects you (God, whatever) from something or someone who would not have been good for you. Everything works out the way it is supposed to work out. You just can't see it yet.

 

Think of something in your life that you are happy with and think how you would not have gotten it if you had not went through some bad experience.

 

Here is an example from my life. I got laid off while pregnant from a big company. It was so traumatic. I got a new job and 3 years later 2 women said lies about me to a woman partner and they made my life a living hell (nothing relationship, all work stuff). Next I took a job where they promised me I would be a partner. 2 of the partners were nice but the 3rd had mental issues and screamed at everyone and made people cry. I did not want to be his partner, so I quit and took yet another job, where I got laid off yet again due to budget cuts. Talk about a trainwreck!!

 

But I sit here today, in my home office, I have my own business, in my 3rd year, and it's doing well, I now see my kids, I can walk outside and see the sun. I'm off the corporate hamster wheel! No more abuse or getting yelled at! It is heaven. I also got my H involved and it is a great opportunity for us to spend time together. Formerly I worked 65-70 hours a week and never saw my family. But it was a road of pain and suffering I traveled.

 

I realize my example is not about love and you truly love this guy, as do many of us (well not me, I took my love and packed it away, no more for mm) but you need to have faith that there is a plan for you. One day you will look back and realize not getting this guy was the best thing for you. Just like my kids would eat cookies all day if I let them, sometimes there are forces at work which you are unaware of. You have to trust that things will work out for you and let it flow as it is all meant to happen. Nothing worth having comes easy and the best things in life are worth waiting for.

Edited September 15, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[Ronnie33]

Tomorrow will be three weeks since we last spoke and I told him not to contact me anymore.

 

I have been in IC and it is helping me see things clearer, and helping me to come to terms with how codependent I am and all my past relationships have been. My husband was a gambler, my ex and alcoholic and there were others. I always dated guys that were broken. I dated a few guys that weren't but they were never "exciting" enough for me. When AP came into my life he was completely broken and of course I had to help fix him. He really is a normal guy but thinking someone could save me has always been my problem. I am the problem, and the only one who could save me is me. I've been reading like crazy, trying to learn more about my problems and why I'm like this and how to change.

 

My self worth can't be attached to any one else, it's got to be from me. These affair relationships will destroy you and turn you into the worst version of yourself if you let them.

 

I love him, I will always love him but it wasn't healthy love. It was addiction, validation and need.

 

Do I think he loved me and truly cared? Yes, I do. It doesn't matter though, he's here and I'm here.

[Chica80]

Of course. Yes. I have the same good days and bad days. If you wait you will get an opportunity to ignore him or ask for NC. But it won't be the elixir you want because what you want, you couldn't get. Don't think of it as you were left though. Think of it as sometimes the universe protects you (God, whatever) from something or someone who would not have been good for you. Everything works out the way it is supposed to work out. You just can't see it yet.

 

Think of something in your life that you are happy with and think how you would not have gotten it if you had not went through some bad experience.

 

Here is an example from my life. I got laid off while pregnant from a big company. It was so traumatic. I got a new job and 3 years later 2 women said lies about me to a woman partner and they made my life a living hell (nothing relationship, all work stuff). Next I took a job where they promised me I would be a partner. 2 of the partners were nice but the 3rd had mental issues and screamed at everyone and made people cry. I did not want to be his partner, so I quit and took yet another job, where I got laid off yet again due to budget cuts. Talk about a trainwreck!!

 

But I sit here today, in my home office, I have my own business, in my 3rd year, and it's doing well, I now see my kids, I can walk outside and see the sun. I'm off the corporate hamster wheel! No more abuse or getting yelled at! It is heaven. I also got my H involved and it is a great opportunity for us to spend time together. Formerly I worked 65-70 hours a week and never saw my family. But it was a road of pain and suffering I traveled.

 

I realize my example is not about love and you truly love this guy, as do many of us (well not me, I took my love and packed it away, no more for mm) but you need to have faith that there is a plan for you. One day you will look back and realize not getting this guy was the best thing for you. Just like my kids would eat cookies all day if I let them, sometimes there are forces at work which you are unaware of. You have to trust that things will work out for you and let it flow as it is all meant to happen. Nothing worth having comes easy and the best things in life are worth waiting for.

 

Thank you I needed this today.

[imperfectangel]

Mm is emailing me again.

 

I'm on day 13 nc.

 

I think it maybe time to send my nc email

[Adoraxx]

Mm is emailing me again.

 

I'm on day 13 nc.

 

I think it maybe time to send my nc email

 

What nonsense did he write this time?

 

Good idea to send that NC email

[imperfectangel]

He wants to come round. Thin is if I reply that I'm nc it'll make him more determined to come. I haven't replied yet.

[Adoraxx]

He wants to come round. Thin is if I reply that I'm nc it'll make him more determined to come. I haven't replied yet.

 

He is so annoying! Didn't he say that the last time too? That he wants to come to see you? I mean, that's what my xMM does/ did all the time too. Tell me that he'll come see me SOON and ask me "would you like it if I come for a visit some day?" yet he never showed up. I think he's just messing with your mind. I do agree with you that he'll probably get more determined if you tell him NC.

[imperfectangel]

I'm just not gonna reply and hope he stays away. If I reply, no matter what I say he will come

[Grey Cloud]

He is totally fishing to see if you are still hooked. Guaranteed if you were the one emailing him you would be getting no response. Let him stew! It's probably driving him bonkers that you are not responding.

[imperfectangel]

Lol I know!! Hahahaha I just hope he doesn't come anyway. Plus who fishes at 7am?!

Edited September 17, 2016 by imperfectangel
Added

[Adoraxx]

Lol I know!! Hahahaha I just hope he doesn't come anyway. Plus who fishes at 7am?!

 

my xMM used to fish at 7am because that early everyone in the house was still sound asleep

[Grey Cloud]

Lol I know!! Hahahaha I just hope he doesn't come anyway. Plus who fishes at 7am?!

 

He probably woke up horny!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm just not gonna reply and hope he stays away. If I reply, no matter what I say he will come

 

It depends what you really want. For me, his continued contact via email and in person was making my life an emotional roller coaster and I finally realized he was getting off on it. Contacting me was making his world a little brighter, adding that sparkle and like an emotional vampire, suck me dry of my own light. He would walk away (literally, each week) with a spring in his step, I'd watch him drive off and I'd go home and cry for 2 days. He did not really want me, it was never going to go anywhere, he was just getting his fix from me, that high, leaving me so low.

 

If you are at the place where the pain of no contact is better than the pain of contact, I would end it with a NC email. Or if you think that would trigger him to show up at your door and you are not strong enough to resist, reply to his email with this (see below, edit for your server, this is for gmail). I am going to do this if he emails me as I have sent my NC text and I was honest that he is hurting me and I'm trying to move on. At this point, he would be disrespecting my wishes and being downright cruel.

 

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

 

[email protected]

 

Technical details of permanent failure:

Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the server for the recipient domain gmail.com by gmail-smtp-in.l.google.com. [2405:f8b3:803c:c0f::1b].

 

The error that the other server returned was:

550-5.2.1 The email account that you tried to reach does not exist. Please try

550-5.2.1 double-checking the recipient's email address for typos or

550-5.2.1 unnecessary spaces. Learn more at

550 5.2.1 https://support.google.com/mail/?p=NoSuchUser u191si1196696vkb.12 - gsmtp

[imperfectangel]

That's a good idea. I'm happy to ignore. He's texting, showing me it's sending him insane. He's done it to me enough, his turn now but later in the week I will be sending my nc email. If I send it now he'll show up

[rainbowsandkittens]

He probably woke up horny!

 

Oh god. So this. My xMM used to email me as soon as he got up- bc he was horny and liked to get off in the shower. Since we have a big time difference it was still a reasonable hour for me to go to bed. So it wasn't so weird for me. Until He started to pull away and I realized that was the main reason he was contacting me- esp that early in the morning. Gross.

[rainbowsandkittens]

He wants to come round. Thin is if I reply that I'm nc it'll make him more determined to come. I haven't replied yet.

 

And the last time he said this he never showed up. He's toying with you- hoping you'll cave like always. I would bet dollars to donuts he never shows up. But I don't know this man so who knows. Honestly though it should make you mad that he's doing this to you. I'm mad for you! What a d!ck! Seriously. You deserve better than this game playing dbag.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Oh god. So this. My xMM used to email me as soon as he got up- bc he was horny and liked to get off in the shower. Since we have a big time difference it was still a reasonable hour for me to go to bed. So it wasn't so weird for me. Until He started to pull away and I realized that was the main reason he was contacting me- esp that early in the morning. Gross.

 

My xMM did the same thing, in the shower. He told me it was bc his W thought it didn't work at all, he did not want her to know he was able to perform.

 

My H did tell his W that fact later on. I expect she has removed the shower doors now.

[MidnightBlue1980]

And the last time he said this he never showed up. He's toying with you- hoping you'll cave like always. I would bet dollars to donuts he never shows up. But I don't know this man so who knows. Honestly though it should make you mad that he's doing this to you. I'm mad for you! What a d!ck! Seriously. You deserve better than this game playing dbag.

 

99% of men would never drive 3 hours but this guy has done it before, plus it's been 11 years. I seriously think he is the party who will not be able to recover from the end of the A. His whole marriage - and life - is basically a lie. Mentally he probably cannot deal with the A ending and living a regular marriage like the rest of us. Angel is literally a part of his world now - a bad part for her, a good part for him.

 

I dealt with someone like this and I had to literally move to end it.

[imperfectangel]

99% of men would never drive 3 hours but this guy has done it before, plus it's been 11 years. I seriously think he is the party who will not be able to recover from the end of the A. His whole marriage - and life - is basically a lie. Mentally he probably cannot deal with the A ending and living a regular marriage like the rest of us. Angel is literally a part of his world now - a bad part for her, a good part for him.

 

I dealt with someone like this and I had to literally move to end it.

 

I plan on sending my nc email later in the week. I don't need any stress for him ATM.

 

We've only had sex twice (last time he just put it in and couldn't handle it lol sorry for tmi) I know after all this time it isn't just sex but he told me himself he'll always be married. Right there I got closure.

 

As soon as he went last time I regretted it. I was about to text him we should go nc when he text me, for the recap ? (I don't need a recap I was there!)

 

I hope he doesn't come

[MidnightBlue1980]

I plan on sending my nc email later in the week. I don't need any stress for him ATM.

 

We've only had sex twice (last time he just put it in and couldn't handle it lol sorry for tmi) I know after all this time it isn't just sex but he told me himself he'll always be married. Right there I got closure.

 

As soon as he went last time I regretted it. I was about to text him we should go nc when he text me, for the recap ? (I don't need a recap I was there!)

 

I hope he doesn't come

 

I hope you know that is a sign of a sexual problem, he was not just too excited and couldn't handle it. I've mentioned I had the exact same thing with xMM and he was honest about being in a sexless marriage - and he was fine with it. I would bet money your mm is also in a sexless marriage and probably fine with it. For a long time I thought, how could he stay with someone he was not attracted to, but I've since accepted that sex is just not that big a deal for some people.

 

While these guys of course enjoy the sex stuff with us, it's more about the attention and ego gratification. That is just my take on it.

[imperfectangel]

Yes I understand that was just his excuse.

 

I googled how to help him even but it all involves communication and then I realised if he hasn't gone through all this with his wife why am I bothering?!

[rainbowsandkittens]

My xMM did the same thing, in the shower. He told me it was bc his W thought it didn't work at all, he did not want her to know he was able to perform.

 

My H did tell his W that fact later on. I expect she has removed the shower doors now.

 

 

 

My eMM supposedly recently got caught masterbating in the bathroom while watching porn on his phone. He was on restriction with his phone from then on. Which is what I think happened with us at the end. I think she may have seen some of my texts. I know he blocked me right after it happened bc a text from me came though.

 

While I think my x may have some performance issues in person, he had no trouble on his own. We did a lot of sexting and the like and he could go many times in a day. I used to give myself credit but I really think it was him having a very high drive. He never denied having sex with his partner but he claimed it was about once a month or maybe a little less. Probably lying though.

 

I'm having a hard time lately. I miss him. I'm tempting to try and look at his social media. But the thought also makes me feel a little sick. I just want him to miss me. I want him to want me and regret how he treated me. But I know he doesn't. It's such a crappy feeling.

[imperfectangel]

This is why I don't want to give in. This is the only card I have to play. Ignoring him, is all I can do. Plus it shows if his wife does find out that he has actively pursued me

[MidnightBlue1980]

My eMM supposedly recently got caught masterbating in the bathroom while watching porn on his phone. He was on restriction with his phone from then on. Which is what I think happened with us at the end. I think she may have seen some of my texts. I know he blocked me right after it happened bc a text from me came though.

 

While I think my x may have some performance issues in person, he had no trouble on his own. We did a lot of sexting and the like and he could go many times in a day. I used to give myself credit but I really think it was him having a very high drive. He never denied having sex with his partner but he claimed it was about once a month or maybe a little less. Probably lying though.

 

I'm having a hard time lately. I miss him. I'm tempting to try and look at his social media. But the thought also makes me feel a little sick. I just want him to miss me. I want him to want me and regret how he treated me. But I know he doesn't. It's such a crappy feeling.

 

As a married person I would not want to be with someone I had to monitor in order to get him to have sex with me. For a man to reject his wife sexually is, to me, the ultimate insult since men basically will take it from wherever they can get it. It's like a homeless person turning down your dollar.

 

Don't look at his social media. You will ruin your whole weekend.

 

They don't miss us or have any regrets. We did not matter to them. Cry but accept that fact. You have to or you will be stuck here forever.