"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Adoraxx]

Poppy is right, I was never inclined to jump anything with a pulse....I might be the exception, but I needed to "feel" something for them.....doubled edged sword though, as now those same feelings betray me from time to time when I'm triggered about my XDOW, like today.....it would have been our 7th year together, it the anniversary of our first kiss (she made the date, but I enjoyed celebrating it with her).....had a hard night sleeping last night (been awhile since that happened) and she posted a pic of her ( and she looked great, also wearing a pair of sunglasses that I bought her)....I know I shouldn't have looked, but I couldn't help myself....

 

Time to go lift some heavy weights and think about something else....

 

Good luck everyone, this thread needs to be revived!, lol...

 

And here I am, sort of wishing that my xMM was more like you, Out... It would comfort me to know that he has a hard time too, and that he has a hard time sleeping sometimes (he always said "I don't lie awake at night, I always sleep like a baby" ) and that he remembers dates and such.........

 

I hope you'll feel better soon!!

[imperfectangel]

Thing is though Out could be with his ow if he wanted to. He has that choice. A lot of us want(ed) out mm and had no choice in the matter.

[Cyra]

This was accurate in my experience. He would always go 'cold' after some significant event, like a trip together etc. He would go funny, told me he felt guilty, even ended it, there would be a few days, a week max of NC and then me or him would text and it would start all over again.

Until the final episode where he left his wife and then went back to her 2 days later. No contact since.

[Poppy47]

Poppy he contacted you?

You have been so strong!!

 

Don't give up or in. You've come this far. Didn't you say before it was always you that gave in before?

 

He attempted to through Face Book. He was hoping I was looking . I was weak. I looked at his daughter's FB and saw that she liked the post and thought it funny.

 

The words were for me... nobody else could realise what it was about on that specific date.

 

Poppy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MB. Ya you have been really angry lately.

But not without reason.

I think the only way for him to leave you alone is tell his wife.

 

I'm usually not an advocate for that but, you've asked him not to contact you. Have ignored him and he still tries?

 

She thinks he is reconciling and he is not!!

That is unfair to her unfair to you.

 

Yea. I don't post that much because the more I read, the more my entire story sounds likes everyone elses' tale of woe.

 

Woman is lonely. Cue MM (who she of course knows for years and trusts) with words of love. MM is unloved, uncared for, on the edge of divorce. Can woman help MM? (Editor note: MM just wants sex and blow jobs). Woman is gullible, stupid and falls for it. To continue the love, woman gives the sexual things MM wants. In return woman gets crumbs of love. Woman wants more, to be real. MM can't do it because of the kids/money/vows/parents/society/work. One reason or another it ends and under the bus woman goes. "Please forgive me BS, I was a victim by evil Woman", MM says. BS agrees (what is she to really do?) and MM dances on.

 

I'm stuck on the last part. I don't want to be angry, I try really hard to let go and move on. I told him to please not communicate with me. He is not stupid and he does not put anything in writing but in person he comes right up to me. Again, he is very smart. He does it in public and under the guise of some business reason, but its all unnecessary. At this point I am not sure if he is trying to drive me out, get me back or put me in a mental institution.

 

I can't contact his wife - I'd look crazy and validate his claims to her that I was the pursuer. I also have a feeling he lied to her that I am long gone and he does not see me. I am not looking to upset the applecart, so to speak. No. Instead my H plans to call her in December if this continues. He has a plan which protects me and will show his wife the truth. If mm leave me alone the next 2 months H will probably not do it. We'll see.

 

For now I am just trying to let go of the anger. It is not easy. I'm not sure how.

Edited October 3, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[MidnightBlue1980]

You know when you blow up a balloon and then let it go, and it whips all over the place, whoosh whoosh whoosh, out of control due to the force and velocity? That is my anger when I am near him. When he comes up to me, and he always does with something unexpected, I lash out.

 

But unfortunately I lash out at the wrong people. Because I am trying not to talk or even look at him, I'm becoming an angry b*tch. I take people's heads off, whoever happens to be close by physically. I'm sarcastic, downright mean. These are all guys and maybe they are used to it, I've had them call me later and apologize - when they did nothing wrong.

 

And he is winning. I'm becoming someone I don't recognize - or like.

 

I'm having health issues from the stress and anger as well.

 

Sorry, just venting.

Edited October 3, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[Chica80]

He attempted to through Face Book. He was hoping I was looking . I was weak. I looked at his daughter's FB and saw that she liked the post and thought it funny.

 

The words were for me... nobody else could realise what it was about on that specific date.

 

Poppy.

 

How did this make you feel?

Happy? Angry? Indifferent? Sad?

 

Hang in there

[rainbowsandkittens]

Having a bit of a rough time. I'm starting to try and date again and it's so disheartening. I feel like I'm looking for my xAP everywhere.

 

I was talking to someone and he asked to use a different app. The one he suggested I'd forgotten I'd used before. So I install it and up pops all these notifications about calls that my xAP and I made. And one long text exchange with really nice things said to each other. It upset me so much.

 

That sent me into a spiral and I ended up looking up his Twitter account. He changed his pictures to one of him (very weird picture) when he's never had anything but general sort of pics as his avatar and cover shots. I tried reading some of his texts but they're in another language. From what I can tell they're still all political/ technical. Nothing personal.

 

I had to do something on FB for a family member and I tried to look him up, figuring since it was another account I would be able to. Either he deleted his FB (doubtful, though he rarely used it) or I just couldn't see him bc he's blocked. Either way, I'm very glad I wasn't able to see anything.

 

The twitter pic was enough and I found myself going back to it a few times.

 

So since then I've felt pretty awful. I'm def still mad but the anger also leads into humiliation. How dumb could I have been to think this person cared for me, that he wasn't actually using me, that I went against everything I've ever believed in for someone who tossed me aside so easily. And at the same time, the trying to date is so frustrating and makes me feel so hopeless. I am trying to see the positives in all this but lately... it's just been tough.

 

I wish my xAP was more like Out bc I was always the one getting him gifts and getting nothing in return! LOL. I mean, a few lousy bottles of wine, which he just took from his cellar.

 

Poppy- I'm so sorry about your xAP sending the smoke signal on FB. Not nice.

[pkn06002]

I have been reading a lot about the stages of an affair...this is what it had to say about the third stage

"Click here for a post that talks about how to get them to end their affair.

 

The phase that I find most interesting and might be the cause for cheaters to have such a hard time letting go of their “drug of choice” – the affair partner – is the destabilization phase.

 

I have a feeling that most affairs are discovered during this phase which might contribute to the on-going thoughts, feelings and potential contacting of the affair partner.

 

During the destabilization stage, the fear of being caught fuels the urgency to get out of the affair. Though on the outside the affair looks like it may fall apart, in reality it is being stabilized.

 

 

Carder explains that one partner may call it off, and after some time will call to see how the other is doing and immediately the affair starts up again. This on again – off again pattern makes the affair almost impossible to end on its own. "

 

I was just curious to those that have been in longer affairs, do you find this to be pretty accurate? How many times have you had a big blowup/breakup with your partner, to find that he or she makes contact again? Thanks for your input in advance!

 

LOL many many times over 10 years, yes everytime it caused things to grow in intensity.

 

It feels great but is not a good experience to live through. Glad I am finally done with this crap.

[Chica80]

Having a bit of a rough time. I'm starting to try and date again and it's so disheartening. I feel like I'm looking for my xAP everywhere.

 

I was talking to someone and he asked to use a different app. The one he suggested I'd forgotten I'd used before. So I install it and up pops all these notifications about calls that my xAP and I made. And one long text exchange with really nice things said to each other. It upset me so much.

 

That sent me into a spiral and I ended up looking up his Twitter account. He changed his pictures to one of him (very weird picture) when he's never had anything but general sort of pics as his avatar and cover shots. I tried reading some of his texts but they're in another language. From what I can tell they're still all political/ technical. Nothing personal.

 

I had to do something on FB for a family member and I tried to look him up, figuring since it was another account I would be able to. Either he deleted his FB (doubtful, though he rarely used it) or I just couldn't see him bc he's blocked. Either way, I'm very glad I wasn't able to see anything.

 

The twitter pic was enough and I found myself going back to it a few times.

 

So since then I've felt pretty awful. I'm def still mad but the anger also leads into humiliation. How dumb could I have been to think this person cared for me, that he wasn't actually using me, that I went against everything I've ever believed in for someone who tossed me aside so easily. And at the same time, the trying to date is so frustrating and makes me feel so hopeless. I am trying to see the positives in all this but lately... it's just been tough.

 

I wish my xAP was more like Out bc I was always the one getting him gifts and getting nothing in return! LOL. I mean, a few lousy bottles of wine, which he just took from his cellar.

 

Poppy- I'm so sorry about your xAP sending the smoke signal on FB. Not nice.

 

 

I'm sorry you are hurt. It is not easy. You will keep looking for your xAP because you still want to be with him?

 

Maybe you are just not ready to start dating yet. Maybe you just need more time.

 

I can tell you the bolded does not make it easier. It only makes the longing and want more.

[imperfectangel]

Just take your time. I am in no way ready to date yet, infact I broke nc very late Saturday night. I could've said worse but he didn't respond and trust me it makes you feel so much worse.

 

It's so hard letting go, I really don't know if I'll ever be able to do it

 

Just keep posting it really does help

[Chica80]

Update for me.....

 

I hate to confess, but I am back in the mess of it.

Not like before but still there. We have been talking every day for the last week. Nothing physical had happened in the last almost three months. So this has made it almost worse.

 

He wants me to move on. To fall in love with someone who can be with me fully. Not like this.

 

If I don't text him, he won't. He doesn't want to pull me back in or distract me from my goals. I'm back in school.

 

The thing is right now I don't want to move forward. That's the honest truth. I will when I'm ready. I just don't know when that will be. I have work, my kids, school, that occupies all my time. We talk, he listens and vs versa. that's how it is.

 

I'm ready you guys can tell me what I need to hear. But I already know it.

 

OUT you still out there? Sorry this is why I got angry at you the other day.

[imperfectangel]

My mm has said the same, that he wants me to have a real relationship. I found it so patronising, degrading even. The whole time he was talking I wanted to scream at him 'but I don't want anyone else, I want YOU!'

 

But ultimately he doesn't feel the same.

 

Woe is me and most of us lol we will get there.

 

Just look at it this way we will end up in honest and truly happy relationships not marriages where one has cheated and the bs doesn't have a clue what's been happening in her own life

[Chica80]

My mm has said the same, that he wants me to have a real relationship. I found it so patronising, degrading even. The whole time he was talking I wanted to scream at him 'but I don't want anyone else, I want YOU!'

 

But ultimately he doesn't feel the same.

 

Woe is me and most of us lol we will get there.

 

Just look at it this way we will end up in honest and truly happy relationships not marriages where one has cheated and the bs doesn't have a clue what's been happening in her own life

[/]

 

 

UGHHH we had this argument last night. He said you will fall in love move one....etc. Sometimes I wonder if he says this so I will say, no I only love you. Prob not but who knows.

I said I know I will fall in love again move on, when I'm ready. I will when I want to.

 

Angel if I am correct, your A started before he was married? Like mine.

Ya this is the only thing I feel guilty about. Its not fair. And this has been part of my reason for wanting to stop. Because of her. Its just really unfair. That part. The other part is unfair to me, but never unfair to him....

[jenkins95]

I have to agree. It is hard for me to feel sorry for someone when they actually have the chance to be with the other person. I'm being gender neutral on purpose. It just so happens here it is Out and Jenkins, but I have seen men posting occasionally so I am aware women can be users as well.

 

Sorry to bite midnight, but this needles me a little bit...and anyway, I love our little sparring matches

 

It's just that the word 'user' got me a little bit. I can't speak for out (or anyone else), but in my a, I wasn't any more of a user (or for that matter, a liar and a cheat) than the OW. We were both all of those things to a very high degree.

 

You say out and I had the chance to be with the other person and perhaps we did.... But it would have been at an immeasurable cost elsewhere and to other people. In the end, we tried to engage our brain over our heart, and in the long term, it is best for everyone. Broken hearts will heal given time - but broken families? Not so easy to fix. The affair was plain wrong and has caused immense damage. I am utterly ashamed and if I had a time machine......... But we can't change the past and at least we are now being decisive and sticking to the chosen path.

 

How are you midnight, anyway? I know, silly question. Keep strong and keep doing what you are doing. You are amazing and you will do it. Keep posting too. We are here for you.

Edited October 3, 2016 by jenkins95

[Chica80]

Sorry to bite midnight, but this needles me a little bit...and anyway, I love our little sparring matches

 

It's just that the word 'user' got me a little bit. I can't speak for out (or anyone else), but in my a, I wasn't any more of a user (or for that matter, a liar and a cheat) than the OW. We were both all of those things to a very high degree.

 

You say out and I had the chance to be with the other person and perhaps we did.... But it would have been at an immeasurable cost elsewhere and to other people. In the end, we tried to engage our brain over our heart, and in the long term, it is best for everyone. Broken hearts will heal given time - but broken families? Not so easy to fix. The affair was plain wrong and has caused immense damage. I am utterly ashamed and if I had a time machine......... But we can't change the past and at least we are now being decisive and sticking to the chosen path.

 

How are you midnight, anyway? I know, silly question. Keep strong and keep doing what you are doing. You are amazing and you will do it. Keep posting too. We are here for you.

 

 

Sorry Jenks I'm with Midnight on this one. Maybe because I am an OW.... this irritates me.

 

I get it trust me I get it. The family obligations the tearing apart of families.. my MM does not have children. He was not married when A started. But his family is everything. I'm not saying he doesn't love his wife. He does. His reasons why we can't be together are his family they would never accept me. I would be divorced with children so that is why (a different culture, religion).

 

I hate this BS... sorry I do... broken hearts will heal...

And yes they will in time. But that is easy to say when you have a wife. When you are working on your marriage....Not that I'm not happy for you. I think it really is great you are working on things.

 

But see ultimately I left my marriage. And not because of MM. I feel that is the best decision for me. I feel I am better for it and my children are in a healthier environment because of it. (my ex H ) would not agree. But to say he had no influence in my decision or no part in it would be a lie.

 

I am not a victim. You are right I chose this route.. I chose to end things this way. And I choose to be where I am....

 

But it is sooo much easier to "heal" when you have someone to go home to. Versus going home to an empty house.

 

You know the saying quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone new....

 

And yes I'm venting because he MM and I have been having these talks lately.

[Poppy47]

How did this make you feel?

Happy? Angry? Indifferent? Sad?

 

Hang in there

 

Hi Sunshine,

 

It has disturbed me greatly. I am feeling quite sick and anxious since reading it the other day. Should not have gone there. WARNING everyone... do not look at social media !!!!!!!! It is like beginning NC all over again. Hopefully, it will take less time to recover now. It was 6 months yesterday since I went NC.

 

After my recent trip overseas, I felt very down and lonely. I missed xMM on my return. It was a powerful trigger as he was always saw me the day after I returned from any trip away.

 

The almost anniversary greeting was posted back in May and I haven't looked at anything since April. We had planned to do something special that day and I guess after 8 years, it was on his mind too.

 

Anyway, all was not lost. I didn't contact in anyway. So I pick me up and march on again.

Thanks Sunshine... hope you can extricate yourself soon.

 

Poppy.

xx

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sorry to bite midnight, but this needles me a little bit...and anyway, I love our little sparring matches

 

It's just that the word 'user' got me a little bit. I can't speak for out (or anyone else), but in my a, I wasn't any more of a user (or for that matter, a liar and a cheat) than the OW. We were both all of those things to a very high degree.

 

You say out and I had the chance to be with the other person and perhaps we did.... But it would have been at an immeasurable cost elsewhere and to other people. In the end, we tried to engage our brain over our heart, and in the long term, it is best for everyone. Broken hearts will heal given time - but broken families? Not so easy to fix. The affair was plain wrong and has caused immense damage. I am utterly ashamed and if I had a time machine......... But we can't change the past and at least we are now being decisive and sticking to the chosen path.

 

How are you midnight, anyway? I know, silly question. Keep strong and keep doing what you are doing. You are amazing and you will do it. Keep posting too. We are here for you.

 

I'm not great. He's contacting me, ignoring my request to leave me alone. However, it's not him trying to get me back. He's just a bully, trying to torture me or something. Bully was the word my H used as I let him read the email. H will tell his BS that the MC and reconciliation is all a big lie and this time, I won't stop him.

I just want him to leave me alone.

[Chica80]

Hi Sunshine,

 

It has disturbed me greatly. I am feeling quite sick and anxious since reading it the other day. Should not have gone there. WARNING everyone... do not look at social media !!!!!!!! It is like beginning NC all over again. Hopefully, it will take less time to recover now. It was 6 months yesterday since I went NC.

 

After my recent trip overseas, I felt very down and lonely. I missed xMM on my return. It was a powerful trigger as he was always saw me the day after I returned from any trip away.

 

The almost anniversary greeting was posted back in May and I haven't looked at anything since April. We had planned to do something special that day and I guess after 8 years, it was on his mind too.

 

Anyway, all was not lost. I didn't contact in anyway. So I pick me up and march on again.

Thanks Sunshine... hope you can extricate yourself soon.

 

Poppy.

xx

 

 

Ugh poppy I am so sorry. That really sucks. I am proud of you... see that is where I get stuck. Where I am stuck. I understand what you mean those triggers. The things that pull you.

 

I'm glad you didn't get pulled back in.

Maybe it does help a little to know he still thinks about you. Especially on that day to know it was significant to him too. Sorry I don't know if that is helpful or not.

 

Don't give up Poppy know that myself and others look up to you. Your strength and your good advice.

[ladydesigner]

Sorry Jenks I'm with Midnight on this one. Maybe because I am an OW.... this irritates me.

 

I get it trust me I get it. The family obligations the tearing apart of families.. my MM does not have children. He was not married when A started. But his family is everything. I'm not saying he doesn't love his wife. He does. His reasons why we can't be together are his family they would never accept me. I would be divorced with children so that is why (a different culture, religion).

 

I hate this BS... sorry I do... broken hearts will heal...

And yes they will in time. But that is easy to say when you have a wife. When you are working on your marriage....Not that I'm not happy for you. I think it really is great you are working on things.

 

But see ultimately I left my marriage. And not because of MM. I feel that is the best decision for me. I feel I am better for it and my children are in a healthier environment because of it. (my ex H ) would not agree. But to say he had no influence in my decision or no part in it would be a lie.

 

I am not a victim. You are right I chose this route.. I chose to end things this way. And I choose to be where I am....

 

But it is sooo much easier to "heal" when you have someone to go home to. Versus going home to an empty house.

 

You know the saying quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone new....

 

And yes I'm venting because he MM and I have been having these talks lately.

 

(((Sunshinechica))) you have a chance to not be in a 'broken' anything!!! To start new and fresh! My M is forever broken it sucks!

[Chica80]

(((Sunshinechica))) you have a chance to not be in a 'broken' anything!!! To start new and fresh! My M is forever broken it sucks!

 

Thank you! Your words are encouraging. It's really hard to let go. Too much to talk about here on LS but it's what I'm working on in therapy..

 

LADY you deserve more. What would make things better?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Sunshine,

 

It has disturbed me greatly. I am feeling quite sick and anxious since reading it the other day. Should not have gone there. WARNING everyone... do not look at social media !!!!!!!! It is like beginning NC all over again. Hopefully, it will take less time to recover now. It was 6 months yesterday since I went NC.

 

After my recent trip overseas, I felt very down and lonely. I missed xMM on my return. It was a powerful trigger as he was always saw me the day after I returned from any trip away.

 

The almost anniversary greeting was posted back in May and I haven't looked at anything since April. We had planned to do something special that day and I guess after 8 years, it was on his mind too.

 

Anyway, all was not lost. I didn't contact in anyway. So I pick me up and march on again.

Thanks Sunshine... hope you can extricate yourself soon.

 

Poppy.

xx

 

I agree. I made the mistake of unblocking him and his wife on FB and I saw she changed her profile picture to one of the three of them (daughter). mm had his arm around her with a huge grin. Meanwhile he is making my life a living hell. I immediately blocked them both again.

 

I feel funny posting because my feelings are no longer the same as all of you. I used to feel sad, like I missed him so much, I loved him, the pain was unbelievable. But now I feel....abused. I really thought being honest and saying, please don't contact me because it made me feel bad, would work but it seems to have done the opposite. And it's not like he is saying I miss you or anything. It's pointless business email and when I have asked him, he says - 'I am just being friendly, you are reading into it. ' So I asked him to stop and he even said okay, but he won't.

 

So I see that picture and I was so angry. After today I am actually not so angry. I just want to get away.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Hi Sunshine,

 

It has disturbed me greatly. I am feeling quite sick and anxious since reading it the other day. Should not have gone there. WARNING everyone... do not look at social media !!!!!!!! It is like beginning NC all over again. Hopefully, it will take less time to recover now. It was 6 months yesterday since I went NC.

 

After my recent trip overseas, I felt very down and lonely. I missed xMM on my return. It was a powerful trigger as he was always saw me the day after I returned from any trip away.

 

The almost anniversary greeting was posted back in May and I haven't looked at anything since April. We had planned to do something special that day and I guess after 8 years, it was on his mind too.

 

Anyway, all was not lost. I didn't contact in anyway. So I pick me up and march on again.

Thanks Sunshine... hope you can extricate yourself soon.

 

Poppy.

xx

 

Poppy,

 

I've been following your posts, and you are such an incredible, brave, and thoughtful person! I really admire you!

 

I understand your pain and anxiety. My story is out there.

 

One thing that really stayed with me from your post I'm quoting above is that you said:

 

"he was always saw me the day after I returned from any trip away"

 

My question not to you, but more to myself as I've been there and lived through that:

 

Why didn't he see me/you that same day when I/you returned? Why wasn't he there at the airport, train station, bus station...wherever...as soon as I/you arrived to hug me/you and tell me/you he missed me/you?

 

Because, OW never comes not even close to being first.

 

Live your life, enjoy it, smile and love yourself!

[Poppy47]

Poppy,

 

I've been following your posts, and you are such an incredible, brave, and thoughtful person! I really admire you!

 

I understand your pain and anxiety. My story is out there.

 

One thing that really stayed with me from your post I'm quoting above is that you said:

 

"he was always saw me the day after I returned from any trip away"

 

My question not to you, but more to myself as I've been there and lived through that:

 

Why didn't he see me/you that same day when I/you returned? Why wasn't he there at the airport, train station, bus station...wherever...as soon as I/you arrived to hug me/you and tell me/you he missed me/you?

 

Because, OW never comes not even close to being first.

 

Live your life, enjoy it, smile and love yourself!

 

Thank you so much for your kind words Rains.

 

I feel in incredible turmoil since looking at the FB message. It's just like 6 months have not passed. To be honest, the A put in in turmoil most of the time.. so much uncertainty about anything.

 

It will all settle down again soon.

 

I do take your point about xMM never meeting me. He couldn't as you and I know.

 

My life is actually really good and much to be thankful for. This will be just a

hiccup next week.

WArm Regards,

Poppy.

[jenkins95]

Sorry Jenks I'm with Midnight on this one. Maybe because I am an OW.... this irritates me.

 

I get it trust me I get it. The family obligations the tearing apart of families.. my MM does not have children. He was not married when A started. But his family is everything. I'm not saying he doesn't love his wife. He does. His reasons why we can't be together are his family they would never accept me. I would be divorced with children so that is why (a different culture, religion).

 

I hate this BS... sorry I do... broken hearts will heal...

And yes they will in time. But that is easy to say when you have a wife. When you are working on your marriage....Not that I'm not happy for you. I think it really is great you are working on things.

 

But see ultimately I left my marriage. And not because of MM. I feel that is the best decision for me. I feel I am better for it and my children are in a healthier environment because of it. (my ex H ) would not agree. But to say he had no influence in my decision or no part in it would be a lie.

 

I am not a victim. You are right I chose this route.. I chose to end things this way. And I choose to be where I am....

 

But it is sooo much easier to "heal" when you have someone to go home to. Versus going home to an empty house.

 

You know the saying quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone new....

 

And yes I'm venting because he MM and I have been having these talks lately.

 

Very good post (((sunshinechica))) - I totally see where you are coming from and I wish you nothing but the very best.

 

I am sorry for using the "broken hearts will heal" line. I regret it now - it was after midnight when I wrote that post, half asleep, but when I read it now, it irritates me too - it's patronising and cheesy.

 

The fact is, I was writing that as much to convince myself as for anyone else. You see, I am brokenhearted too - completely. I am brokenhearted when I think (as I almost always do) of the terrible thing that I did in having an affair, entering into it without a moment's consideration for the inevitable damage that would follow. I am brokenhearted when I think of the xOW - of the illicit magic we had and of how it all turned to **** and heart-break and tears. I am brokenhearted whenever I look at my innocent children, knowing that I selfishly risked their family and their stability all for my own selfish pursuits. I am heartbroken when I look into my wife's eyes and see her pain. I am heartbroken when I realise that, reconciliation or not, my marriage is permanently stained and changed and has lost it's carefree innocence. That elephant - he may not always be in the room, but he's always somewhere in the vicinity. I am a broken person and it's all my fault. Like everyone else here, I just want mental peace again.

 

Seeing the different posts and the different brands of hurt form people like us who were in affairs, but in different roles, just shows that they are a bad idea full stop - for all of us. We are all hurting whatever our role, whatever the outcome of the affair. We all would have done things differently if we had our time again, but...here we are! At least we have found each other and are on the right path now.

 

As for it being easier to heal when you have a family to go back to as opposed to no one. I totally take on your point. Suddenly finding yourself alone must be just plain awful and I feel so deeply for all of you here in that horrible position. But of course, going back to one's family in the face of an affair is no picnic either. Both spouses are usually heartbroken, full of pain, doubt, uncertainty, their whole idea of what their marriage was all about turned upside-down, anger, guilt and hurt everywhere - while they also struggle to maintain a 'normal' household for children and other family members, wondering if things really ever can be truly happy again. Reconciliation is very hard work, every minute, and sometimes you just want to be alone and feel sorry for yourself - but you don't, and neither should you, have that 'luxury'. You have to be on the ball every second, and sometimes, it's overwhelming. Of course, at the end of the affair, I could have taken a very different path. I could have chosen to leave my wife and move on with the OW. The fact that I was even in this position tortures me - believe me, it was pure hell. But the fact is, even if I had taken that other path, I am certain that I would have been in just as much turmoil as I am now, whether I found that the grass is greener or not - it's just that the nature of the turmoil would have been different. The total amount of pain caused also would have been as least as bad - probably worse, just apportioned differently amongst the different people in my story. Bottom line, when an an affair starts, it is just a matter of time until someone, probably lots of people, get hurt - badly hurt. Whatever the circumstances of the affair and whatever the outcome.

 

I often find myself in debates on here about MM. Many say that MM like me, Out, Confused and a few others are different in that we suffer after the affair and other MM just walk away and get on with their lives immediately. We read this so often but still, I find it hard to believe that it is true. Sometimes I wonder if it is simply the OW understandably projecting the worst possible scenario (from her viewpoint) on to the MM and not being able to escape the conclusion that he simply "moved on". But I seriously doubt this is true. I have had no contact with my xOW for a long time and perhaps she thinks my life is all a bed of roses now - but it's not - very far from it, and perhaps this would shock her. I know I beat this drum a lot, but to all those suffering OW (and OM) out there, I'd be amazed if your xMM/xMW feels nothing. But hey, maybe I'm wrong, maybe me, Out, Confused and the gang truly are the exceptions.

 

I don't want to give a wholly negative impression. On the whole reconciliation is going really well and we are in a much better place than we were this time last year, but for some reason, I find myself in a rut at the moment. When you feel largely recovered and then find yourself going back several steps again - it's a tough pill to swallow. We've all been there. It is the very nature of recovery.

 

I think I will take a little break from LS for a while. It is such a wonderful resource and I don't know how I would have got through the past year without it, but right now it is triggering me, I felt vulnerable yesterday, came here, did some reading, fired off a few posts, triggered a lot...and now feel considerably worse. I was irritated by several posts, and in turn some of my posts, irritated others. I don't like it this way - I like to be a positive poster when I am here and try to support people, but I feel my recent flurry of posts have not been like that. I will be back soon - when I have something more positive to say, probably in few weeks.

 

Oh guys, why didn't we visit here BEFORE we ever got into any of this mess? I hadn't even heard of LS and terms like NC, OW, MM, AP, which are now just a standard part of my vocabulary, until after D-Day, when the massive damage had already been done. Let me just end with a slightly humorous story along those lines. My parents were visiting over the weekend and a documentary was on the TV about the second World War, which we were kind of half-watching. I was largely uninterested until I heard the word "D-Day". It hit me like radar! I looked up and a picture of Churchill was on the screen. I said out loud "What? Churchill had a D-Day?". Then the realisation hit me. "Ohhhh, THAT D-Day", I said losing interest. The look of confusion and bewilderment on my parents' faces was priceless! It also struck me as ironic that, when I thought that they may have been talking about an affair, I was suddenly interested, but when I realised they were "only" talking about pretty much the most historically important day of the last century...I zoned out. Isn't life bizarre?

 

I wish you all nothing but the best! We will get there together guys. Keep the excellent posts coming.

Edited October 4, 2016 by jenkins95