"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[rumblefish12]

I just don't know. Is there a point to NC if you are both tortured? Why be with other people when you feel so much for the other person? It's brutal.

 

Hi MB -- my feeling is you have to take the questions separately. Why be with other people when your feelings for the AP are so strong? Well, many would say that you can't genuinely determine if you should stay in the marriage until you're free of the influence of the A. Check out goasksuzie.com for a lot of great info on "what would happen if I devoted the energy to my spouse, that I do to my AP?" We devote so much emotional energy to the AP it's ridiculous, and that's part of the attraction, right?

 

So why go NC? From a purely self-interested perspective, it's because the pain of the push/pull in the affair is too much and not worth it. "Settling" is not worth it. He picked her and you're worth more than that. The guilt, self-loathing, living an inauthentic life, is too much.

 

Apart from that? Because he has a spouse who didn't sign on for this is a good reason. Your situation is unique in that your H is not a BS, but that's pretty rare. So in my case, the pain of NC is my burden for the benefit of my BS and children, who did not sign on for having a selfish WS/father.

 

In my case too, apart from all the above my AP wants someone to treat her as the center of life, to be loved completely. Her BS is an abusive assho!e -- I realized that if she is ever going to find someone, it won't happen with my weighing her down.

 

I guess in general, it all starts with trying to think about everyone else affected and not about ourselves. "why do/not do this because it causes me pain?" No -- how are my actions affecting, or potentially going to affect everyone. Lots of collateral damage to be done out there.

 

Hang in there.

[Ronnie33]

The one day I really needed on here, yesterday, I couldn't get on. I decided to meet him and tell him I can't do this anymore. I can't hook up anymore, I told him it's an addiction and where it used to feels like it meant something, now just feels like need. I'm over feeling like a junkie for someone, I love him, I always will but my need for him isn't love, it's need. I told him that we are both like junkies and it will never end if one of us doesn't. Of course he wants to stay friend because we have been for 4 years but we know where that always leads. Anyway, I couldn't commit to NC, I have tried many times and I feel like it almost makes it worse not being able to talk at all. I do know that for the first time I'm seeing how unhealthy this is, instead of seeing it as some sad romance novel about two people who want to be together but can't!!

[Ronnie33]

I just went through my old threads and found this one. I had totally forgot about it until now. I wrote this a year ago, right after we went NC because he was getting engaged. That lasted 3 months and here I am again. I want to punch myself for going back but I am going to read how low I felt here everytime I want to.

 

Reflecting [on a relationship being over]

What do you think is the hardest part to accept once it's over? Besides the missing the person

 

Is it the fact that you sacrificed your moral and self respect for nothing?

Is it the loss of self esteem?

Is is that the other person didn't love you enough to chose you?

Is it because you can't believe how weak you became that you allowed this person to consume your life?

 

I think for me it's all the above but the one that hurts the most is the first. I always prided myself on being the most loyal person there is and now I can't say that anymore and that hurts bad.

 

There is a quote from the book "Into the Wild" that hit me more then any other quote I have heard.

 

It said "I am going to walk myself back to the girl my mother raised"

 

I feel like the next few months are going to be the biggest journey of my life back to who I was and I so much more then anything want to be that girl again.

 

Anyway just venting and thinking.

Share

[Sabella]

You did awesome R!

 

I do believe I have read every single article availabe there too, lol. Lots of good stuff on that site.

Hi ZBA -- thank god it's up and running. I had a REALLY rough day yesterday. I thought a lot about breaking NC but I DIDN'T! I'm very glad I didn't. I found some great articles on affairrecovery.com given I couldn't find solace in LS yesterday. Definitely worth checking out. Some really interesting stuff -- go under "free resources" and look at "free articles" -- in particular look at "31 Reasons to Stop the Affair" and some great stuff on the role of Oxytocin in an affair (the addiction element). It's good to be back.

[Chica80]

Hi ZBA -- thank god it's up and running. I had a REALLY rough day yesterday. I thought a lot about breaking NC but I DIDN'T! I'm very glad I didn't. I found some great articles on affairrecovery.com given I couldn't find solace in LS yesterday. Definitely worth checking out. Some really interesting stuff -- go under "free resources" and look at "free articles" -- in particular look at "31 Reasons to Stop the Affair" and some great stuff on the role of Oxytocin in an affair (the addiction element). It's good to be back.

 

 

So proud of you!!! For not giving in..

[Poppy47]

I agree. The want, the feelings, the need never goes away. For me it's been 7 months since it ended, which is longer than the actual affair, though we know each other now over 3 years. For lurkers, there was a D day but it was unusual in that on my end, it was in the beginning and we had an open marriage till my H decided enough was enough and I gave xMM a choice, he chose her, and ended up telling his wife some distorted version of the truth.

 

We did not speak much for 5 months, then he was back in an EA for about 2 months. We again did not speak for about a month but now, we are talking again.

 

Here is where I am now. I will be honest. I love him. I can't be with him but I feel like maybe I made a mistake ending it. It was not what I wanted, I wanted him to leave and be with me and he wanted us each to stay married and develop our relationship. I was proud and egotistical, pick me and so on. Maybe....I was wrong. Maybe....something is better than nothing. Maybe its all me, maybe I should learn to accept what he can offer. After all, I am not single either. My H wants me in this marriage, even knowing how I feel. Maybe I should just accept what reality there is.

 

I can't forget it him, I can't let it go. I am so lost in it. I just know we spoke today, emailed as friends a bunch and he said that I was not alone, he still feels what I do, it's strong, but he is being good, that is all his silence is when I ask questions which he cant answer.

 

I just don't know. Is there a point to NC if you are both tortured? Why be with other people when you feel so much for the other person? It's brutal.

MIdnight,

 

The thing is, you are not NC. NC is an absolute. You know the old saying about being a little bit pregnant.... can't be!!!

Poppy

[Chica80]

I was dying yesterday!!!! It's been an awful last couple of days....so glad you all are back...

[Poppy47]

Hi ZBA -- thank god it's up and running. I had a REALLY rough day yesterday. I thought a lot about breaking NC but I DIDN'T! I'm very glad I didn't. I found some great articles on affairrecovery.com given I couldn't find solace in LS yesterday. Definitely worth checking out. Some really interesting stuff -- go under "free resources" and look at "free articles" -- in particular look at "31 Reasons to Stop the Affair" and some great stuff on the role of Oxytocin in an affair (the addiction element). It's good to be back.

 

So you couldn't access the site either? Rumble, we would all be lost without it.

 

Cheers,

Poppy.

[Outofmysystem]

Well.....chalk up another "causality" in the Affair wars......

 

Short story, off on Wednesday, back to work yesterday and who do you think I ran into on the way in, yep, xMOW.....eventually we were side by side and she recognized me from a sticker on my car, she waved.....she got stuck behind a wreck in her lane that she didn't know about because I was moving in another, so I called her.....she was pleasant, bla, bla, bla, small talk.....then she tells me she's divorced as of Tuesday....I say wow, we talk more, then I have to go into work....over the day I ask to see her to go to lunch, starts out ok, then she informs later that there would be no "rekindling", I agree, then try to set up a time, everything doesn't work as a time I make a smart comment to the effect (over text) of, "I'll just randomly text you then and you can shoot me down then"....that blows up to, "I don't need this bull**** and lets just leave it the way it was".....

 

So another hard lesson to learn for me......maybe I'll learn it this time.....

 

Oh, and the site was down, lol.....figures

[Doublegold]

Outofmysystem how awful for you. I am so sorry.

 

Midnightblue1980 "I just don't know. Is there a point to NC if you are both tortured? Why be with other people when you feel so much for the other person? It's brutal."

 

It is brutal. Eight years in we had 4 months NC over past Winter. Well, some would say not total NC (although we went from constant contact to Zero interaction -- my choice no D-Day) as I did check his FB posts that were public 2 1/2 months in and they wore me down. Or I should say broke my heart--I was worried about him. Terribly worried.

[Lostgirl186]

Does anyone else feel like the LS admins were playing a sick trick on us to see who could survive a day without an outlet? Whew! Glad that's over..had an ok day yesterday, today is officially a week where we haven't text or any sort of connunicAtion between us.. All was well until today when wifey posted a stream of happy family photos and a big lovey dicey rant.. (I know I deserve it for not unfollowing her.) all I could think all day was if you only knew what he had been doing for the last two years...

 

He's out of the office for another week.. But away on business so technically if I wanted to I could contact him... I'm terrified that come Monday, it's going to be hard not to.. Everyone else hanging in there??

 

Out no worries.. It's all a part of what I like to call the "game" pretend the conversation didn't happen and count your blessings you didn't meet. You got this

[Chica80]

Well.....chalk up another "causality" in the Affair wars......

 

Short story, off on Wednesday, back to work yesterday and who do you think I ran into on the way in, yep, xMOW.....eventually we were side by side and she recognized me from a sticker on my car, she waved.....she got stuck behind a wreck in her lane that she didn't know about because I was moving in another, so I called her.....she was pleasant, bla, bla, bla, small talk.....then she tells me she's divorced as of Tuesday....I say wow, we talk more, then I have to go into work....over the day I ask to see her to go to lunch, starts out ok, then she informs later that there would be no "rekindling", I agree, then try to set up a time, everything doesn't work as a time I make a smart comment to the effect (over text) of, "I'll just randomly text you then and you can shoot me down then"....that blows up to, "I don't need this bull**** and lets just leave it the way it was".....

 

So another hard lesson to learn for me......maybe I'll learn it this time.....

 

Oh, and the site was down, lol.....figures

 

 

this sucks!!! so sorry

[Chica80]

Hi ZBA -- thank god it's up and running. I had a REALLY rough day yesterday. I thought a lot about breaking NC but I DIDN'T! I'm very glad I didn't. I found some great articles on affairrecovery.com given I couldn't find solace in LS yesterday. Definitely worth checking out. Some really interesting stuff -- go under "free resources" and look at "free articles" -- in particular look at "31 Reasons to Stop the Affair" and some great stuff on the role of Oxytocin in an affair (the addiction element). It's good to be back.

 

RUMBLE any more "sightings"?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well.....chalk up another "causality" in the Affair wars......

 

Short story, off on Wednesday, back to work yesterday and who do you think I ran into on the way in, yep, xMOW.....eventually we were side by side and she recognized me from a sticker on my car, she waved.....she got stuck behind a wreck in her lane that she didn't know about because I was moving in another, so I called her.....she was pleasant, bla, bla, bla, small talk.....then she tells me she's divorced as of Tuesday....I say wow, we talk more, then I have to go into work....over the day I ask to see her to go to lunch, starts out ok, then she informs later that there would be no "rekindling", I agree, then try to set up a time, everything doesn't work as a time I make a smart comment to the effect (over text) of, "I'll just randomly text you then and you can shoot me down then"....that blows up to, "I don't need this bull**** and lets just leave it the way it was".....

 

So another hard lesson to learn for me......maybe I'll learn it this time.....

 

Oh, and the site was down, lol.....figures

 

She is divorced! How does that make you feel? I am guessing it doesn't change anything on your end?

[MidnightBlue1980]

MIdnight,

 

The thing is, you are not NC. NC is an absolute. You know the old saying about being a little bit pregnant.... can't be!!!

Poppy

 

You are right. We can't be NC unless one of us leaves. It's not a job, I only see him weekly. I am being vague for obvious reasons.

 

But we were NC as much as possible and that was painful.

 

I have a sort of update. I allowed myself an email binge the last few days, that whole LC thing we all fool ourselves with. Anyway, I asked a bunch of things and the short answer was he was not going to walk out on his family. (I actually did not ask him to do that, I was asking more, what was this all about.) I asked him if it bothered him to contact me with her sitting right there across from him and he said no, we were just friends. Which technically is true....so basically he is there and that's that.

 

He's happy to contact me though on a daily basis and it just made me think, what do I get out this? Nothing except the possibility of his wife or my husband seeing us communicating. And for what? There is no possibility of anything except a huge row with my husband, which I don't want. And if she catches him, he will once again blame me and shut down communication as he did before. After all, he is 100% staying.

 

I guess I am thinking, I should just stop communicating with him because I really am getting nothing out of it at all except probably making his life better. I really don't need a pen pal. The conversations are not even that interesting.

 

I guess they call this "coming out of the affair fog" as Lemon coined it. Its a little blah.

 

I really need to move on from this.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MIdnight,

 

The thing is, you are not NC. NC is an absolute. You know the old saying about being a little bit pregnant.... can't be!!!

Poppy

 

For some reason I just read the thread by NotTheChosenOne and it was like reading my own story except that xMM's wife spoke to my husband, not me and my H is still here. But xMM threw me under the bus, ignored me and it was eerily similar to my story.

 

Her post was April and my DDay was December so I know that her xMM will come back as mine did as soon as he feels it is safe. I actually felt this crazy fear, like why on earth have I forgotten all these feelings she writes, I went through them all, why am I talking to this guy who treated me so terribly?

 

It really was a wake up call.

[rumblefish12]

RUMBLE any more "sightings"?

 

No more sightings as yet. All's quiet on my front. . . except my brain. I'm trying to quiet my brain and let go. Seeing her stirs all the shi+ up lol.

[Chica80]

You are right. We can't be NC unless one of us leaves. It's not a job, I only see him weekly. I am being vague for obvious reasons.

 

But we were NC as much as possible and that was painful.

 

I have a sort of update. I allowed myself an email binge the last few days, that whole LC thing we all fool ourselves with. Anyway, I asked a bunch of things and the short answer was he was not going to walk out on his family. (I actually did not ask him to do that, I was asking more, what was this all about.) I asked him if it bothered him to contact me with her sitting right there across from him and he said no, we were just friends. Which technically is true....so basically he is there and that's that.

 

He's happy to contact me though on a daily basis and it just made me think, what do I get out this? Nothing except the possibility of his wife or my husband seeing us communicating. And for what? There is no possibility of anything except a huge row with my husband, which I don't want. And if she catches him, he will once again blame me and shut down communication as he did before. After all, he is 100% staying.

 

I guess I am thinking, I should just stop communicating with him because I really am getting nothing out of it at all except probably making his life better. I really don't need a pen pal. The conversations are not even that interesting.

 

I guess they call this "coming out of the affair fog" as Lemon coined it. Its a little blah.

 

I really need to move on from this.

 

 

UUUGHHH Seriously is this like a thing do they learn this somewhere?

 

I swear we had this same conversation yesterday. I had been having a super hard time the last couple days. So the night before we text. He "listened" like always, cry get angry.

 

Yesterday I said I'm sorry. Sorry for taking up your time. I know you have a lot blah blah blah. I don't want to add stress. He said I wasn't becuse that doesn't stress him out. It's the "hiding". He's always been someone to listen to other people he said.

 

This made me so angry!!!! I don't talk to you cause we are "friends" I hate that word. I don't ***k my friends. (not that that happened often)

 

Sometimes I feel he just says whatever he thinks I want to hear. He says not "hiding" those were my words. When we talked about LC. He repeats the things I said. I thought it meant oh your listening. You care about what I have to say. But NO!!! Its just part of the draw. "The rescuer" "The listener" RUMBLE affairrecoverywas reading an article last night. Thanks for that btw.

 

If we can still be friends. And we are only friends somehow in your mind it makes it not as bad you can justify your actions?

 

SUPER angry this morning

[rumblefish12]

Well.....chalk up another "causality" in the Affair wars......

Oh, and the site was down, lol.....figures

 

Out! I'm so sorry! But seriously, it only is a problem if you would be better off back with her. You wouldn't. That was never the case.

 

Start thinking about yourself and not in the context of how she saw you, sees you, or will see you. Let's both let it go; leave them in the past. We can let them go, Out. We can live our lives without that ever-present thought. I'm really sorry you went through that. But, take it as an opportunity for closure, and a bottom that provides a foundation for growth and change. I'm with you; we all are.

[MidnightBlue1980]

UUUGHHH Seriously is this like a thing do they learn this somewhere?

 

I swear we had this same conversation yesterday. I had been having a super hard time the last couple days. So the night before we text. He "listened" like always, cry get angry.

 

Yesterday I said I'm sorry. Sorry for taking up your time. I know you have a lot blah blah blah. I don't want to add stress. He said I wasn't becuse that doesn't stress him out. It's the "hiding". He's always been someone to listen to other people he said.

 

This made me so angry!!!! I don't talk to you cause we are "friends" I hate that word. I don't ***k my friends. (not that that happened often)

 

Sometimes I feel he just says whatever he thinks I want to hear. He says not "hiding" those were my words. When we talked about LC. He repeats the things I said. I thought it meant oh your listening. You care about what I have to say. But NO!!! Its just part of the draw. "The rescuer" "The listener" RUMBLE affairrecoverywas reading an article last night. Thanks for that btw.

 

If we can still be friends. And we are only friends somehow in your mind it makes it not as bad you can justify your actions?

 

SUPER angry this morning

 

Sunshine, I also do that - the constant apologizing, trying to be really good and accept what he can offer. And the whole friends thing - we are not friends. You are right, friends do not hook up and friends do not use each other.

 

I also have suspicions he does not actually read my emails as at times the responses do not make sense or he gives vague answers.

 

I think they just want to keep up on the hook in case one day they want to stir things back up.

[Sabella]

Out, I'm sorry that happened to you

 

But no need to dwell on it or beat yourself up over it. It's just something that happened and it doesn't define you. Just let that incident go and carry on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well.....chalk up another "causality" in the Affair wars......

 

Short story, off on Wednesday, back to work yesterday and who do you think I ran into on the way in, yep, xMOW.....eventually we were side by side and she recognized me from a sticker on my car, she waved.....she got stuck behind a wreck in her lane that she didn't know about because I was moving in another, so I called her.....she was pleasant, bla, bla, bla, small talk.....then she tells me she's divorced as of Tuesday....I say wow, we talk more, then I have to go into work....over the day I ask to see her to go to lunch, starts out ok, then she informs later that there would be no "rekindling", I agree, then try to set up a time, everything doesn't work as a time I make a smart comment to the effect (over text) of, "I'll just randomly text you then and you can shoot me down then"....that blows up to, "I don't need this bull**** and lets just leave it the way it was".....

 

So another hard lesson to learn for me......maybe I'll learn it this time.....

 

Oh, and the site was down, lol.....figures

 

I couldn't find your story. I saw you say you would post it but didn't see it. I believe it was a six year A and you are still married, no Dday and she obviously just got divorced.

 

I can't imagine six years. That is a whole life together. Do you think she just wants you to get divorced and be with her? Did she ask you to leave and be with her?

[Outofmysystem]

Midnightblue .....side note: great song by Lou Gramm

 

I had started to post my story on here at the first, had it typed, just never hit submit....it was in the beginning, I was still in the "fog", ashamed, broken, hurt, longing for my AP like....like.....well, you all know......never felt like that before in my life, watching tv and checking the clock every min, tapping my feet in a panic of when and I going to see her again?, what am I going to do?...OMG is it really over.....like someone hit me with a brick.....

 

So I never really posted a "story" thread.....I've just kind of "filled in the blanks" in other peoples threads that I was comforted reading, and maybe I could give the same back.....but to answer you, yes, you have the basics down of the 6 year affair.....

 

No, even though we "future faked" to the point of talking about where would honeymoon (Maldives) or what our place would be like, we never really said, you leave her and I'll leave him.....in fact when she dropped me she said she didn't want either one of us.....looks like she was serious about that.....

 

Sabella, thank you....parts of this gets easier over time and other parts just as fresh as yesterday, that's why this is such a really (affairs) bad thing to get into

 

Rumble.....what can I say?.....3 times in one week???.....****!.......3 times in one week......lol.......

 

But I'm with Ya brother

[ZBA]

Midnightblue I had started to post my story on here at the first, had it typed, just never hit submit....it was in the beginning, I was still in the "fog", ashamed, broken, hurt, longing for my AP like....like.....well, you all know......never felt like that before in my life, watching tv and checking the clock every min, tapping my feet in a panic of when and I going to see her again?, what am I going to do?...OMG is it really over.....like someone hit me with a brick.....

 

So I never really posted a "story" thread.....I've just kind of "filled in the blanks" in other peoples threads that I was comforted reading, and maybe I could give the same back.....but to answer you, yes, you have the basics down of the 6 year affair.....

Damn OUT, does this ever encapsulate where I'm at right now! To a T! Same feelings... and like you, have much more preferred to just partake in existing threads like this one where I feel comfortable.

 

Ugh, 6 years. And to think my 2.5 years (plus the year of friendship before that) feels like second nature. I can only imagine how you feel.

 

Sorry to hear how things went with the recent encounter Do you feel like it gave you some kind of... I don't want to say closure, but maybe... affirmation? Like, "Yea, I may still fall into daydreaming about the good times at times, but now I really KNOW no good can come of speaking"...?

 

As for me, am still in very LC with MM. One phone call this week and then a few very brief texts scattered thru the week. It hasn't been flirty or anything, but it's more that it's hard to stop caring about how the other is doing or just shut that off. So it's been more like sharing updates. I'm sure everyone will tell me this is a big mistake but we did discuss having coffee on Monday at a public place. I'm not banking on it since chances are something will pop up and it won't happen. I'm just keeping as busy as possible.

[rumblefish12]

Rumble.....what can I say?.....3 times in one week???.....****!.......3 times in one week......lol.......But I'm with Ya brother

 

OUT -- I did the same thing re my story. I don't think I've shared it in any one place. Maybe because I'm not very good at editing, lol, It would be way too long!

 

And, as far as the contact, *****, that coulda been me last week. Seriously, it happens. And it's no reflection on you at all. She obviously changed, man. And she's not the woman you were with for 8 years. You're lucky you're not -- it wouldn't work with who she is now. Now it's time to concentrate on you. Who are you now? What do you need now to be happy the rest of your life?

 

Man, that seriously coulda been me so easily last week. It was just 2x for me. That 3rd probably woulda pushed me over the edge. Here's to a great week to come, ok? Hang in there.