"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Sunshinegirl10]

That's the million dollar question - how do you stop caring? Especially when they still care...ugh

 

As for me, am still in very LC with MM. One phone call this week and then a few very brief texts scattered thru the week. It hasn't been flirty or anything, but it's more that it's hard to stop caring about how the other is doing or just shut that off. So it's been more like sharing updates. I'm sure everyone will tell me this is a big mistake but we did discuss having coffee on Monday at a public place. I'm not banking on it since chances are something will pop up and it won't happen. I'm just keeping as busy as possible.

[rumblefish12]

That's the million dollar question - how do you stop caring? Especially when they still care.

 

That's it isn't it? Well, I still care a lot. I don't know, but she may still care too. The thing is, if you make a decision about what needs to be done for whatever reason (guilt, want to make your marriage work, tired of accepting crumbs, push/pull bu!!*****) then what do you do to work toward moving on. I've been reading a lot about letting go. Currently reading this book called The Secret of Letting Go by Guy Finley. It's really good btw.

 

So one of the significant things I've come across is that we have a concept of what is happiness in our lives and what we need to be happy. And in my case, does that include having a relationship with my XAP? It's me. I'm demanding this in order to be happy. I'm saying I won't be happy without her. And that's a lie that I'm creating. I have so much in my life to be grateful for. I was very happy before her AND pretty F'ing miserable a lot of the time with her. While I still feel some responsibility to her, her healing can no longer be part of my concern. No more white knight. I have to realize that I have everything I need to be happy.

 

That's not to say I won't miss her. I do and will and I'll mourn the loss of her in my life. But I have to keep the mindset that it's not a question of fundamental happiness. I'll mourn the loss of that relationship and keep my mind open to what life brings. I'm not in charge and I have to live life on life's terms. Let it come. it's the one life I have, so I need to make the most out of it. Wallowing in misery is wasting time.

[Sunshinegirl10]

Rumble~so much wisdom in your post. For me, a little different I was miserable before the A, then got a glimpse of what it's like to be loved and then BAM! REALITY! That love isn't and wasn't mine to have and now I have to lose a great friendship too thanks to my f*ck up ugh!

 

I will check out that book - thanks! A lot of my issues are also tied up in "helping him be ok" if that makes any sense...not necessarily ok w/o me but with all the other life issues.

[ZBA]

That's the million dollar question - how do you stop caring? Especially when they still care...ugh.

 

I wish I knew the answer to this. I have SO many reasons to stop caring, and yet I still do - deeply. Maybe part of what's key is realizing and accepting that maybe we will always care, but that doesn't change that it's not right for us. Idk.

 

I saw a new photo of MM today. He had gained a noticeable amount of weight since DD, and cut his hair in a way I found quite unflattering. I stared at the photo. I thought of how he didn't even look attractive to me in that moment. Truth be told, I would say he was actually looking pretty bad. And yet, even despite that, my heart still melted to see that photo of him. And missed seeing him (while we are in LC, I haven't seen him in a month.) Just crazy to think of the effect he has on me regardless.

[ZBA]

Rumble - pure gold, your last post. Thanks as always.

[Poppy47]

That's it isn't it? Well, I still care a lot. I don't know, but she may still care too. The thing is, if you make a decision about what needs to be done for whatever reason (guilt, want to make your marriage work, tired of accepting crumbs, push/pull bu!!*****) then what do you do to work toward moving on. I've been reading a lot about letting go. Currently reading this book called The Secret of Letting Go by Guy Finley. It's really good btw.

 

So one of the significant things I've come across is that we have a concept of what is happiness in our lives and what we need to be happy. And in my case, does that include having a relationship with my XAP? It's me. I'm demanding this in order to be happy. I'm saying I won't be happy without her. And that's a lie that I'm creating. I have so much in my life to be grateful for. I was very happy before her AND pretty F'ing miserable a lot of the time with her. While I still feel some responsibility to her, her healing can no longer be part of my concern. No more white knight. I have to realize that I have everything I need to be happy.

 

That's not to say I won't miss her. I do and will and I'll mourn the loss of her in my life. But I have to keep the mindset that it's not a question of fundamental happiness. I'll mourn the loss of that relationship and keep my mind open to what life brings. I'm not in charge and I have to live life on life's terms. Let it come. it's the one life I have, so I need to make the most out of it. Wallowing in misery is wasting time.

 

I raise a glass of good red wine to you Rumble.

 

It's an intellectual decision to end the affair. Emotions are still present but they will fade over time, given the opportunity.

 

You can live without him/her. You will be happy like you were before. If you take a critical look at your emotional state during the affair, were you really happy? I know I was bloody miserable for a large percentage of the time.

There is another person you can love. There are millions on the planet.

 

Poppy.

[pooldog]

I raise a glass of good red wine to you Rumble.

 

It's an intellectual decision to end the affair. Emotions are still present but they will fade over time, given the opportunity.

 

You can live without him/her. You will be happy like you were before. If you take a critical look at your emotional state during the affair, were you really happy? I know I was bloody miserable for a large percentage of the time.

There is another person you can love. There are millions on the planet.

 

Poppy.

 

I love this summary, Poppy. I totally agree!

[Lostgirl186]

It's hit hard today, like I was afraid it would. 10 days we haven't spoken and it's taking everything in me to not text him right now. We have gone this long only one other time and it was exactly ten days. I don't know why other than I do miss him.. Maybe I need to see if he missed me? But in reality, if he missed me or wanted to talk to me, he would call me, right? I need to make it at least another week until he's back at work if I'm going to cave.. But I don't want to cave this time guys.. HELP.

[Sabella]

L.G. just get through today. Sometimes if you think of the "long game" of never talking again, it's too unbearable. You just need to get through today. Tomorrow is future LostGirls problem and you can deal with that later.

 

I did alll sorts of crazy things during the worst parts of NC. Most were just mildly helpful. I made a little mantra about exAP, that includided 3 really unnatracitve things about him and I would repeat that often in my head when I started to get all mushy about him. I also wore a thick rubberband around my wrist and would snap it hard to distract that flow of thoughts about him. That trick mostly just made my wrist ugly, i don't reccomend it, lol. Get outside, do something active was the best for me.

 

Just today, NC for today.

 

hugs

[Lostgirl186]

L.G. just get through today. Sometimes if you think of the "long game" of never talking again, it's too unbearable. You just need to get through today. Tomorrow is future LostGirls problem and you can deal with that later.

 

I did alll sorts of crazy things during the worst parts of NC. Most were just mildly helpful. I made a little mantra about exAP, that includided 3 really unnatracitve things about him and I would repeat that often in my head when I started to get all mushy about him. I also wore a thick rubberband around my wrist and would snap it hard to distract that flow of thoughts about him. That trick mostly just made my wrist ugly, i don't reccomend it, lol. Get outside, do something active was the best for me.

 

Just today, NC for today.

 

hugs

 

Thank you. I keep trying to tell myself one day at a time. It's sitting at this desk that haunts me.. It's where we've done the majority of our communicating and it just makes it consume my brain. One day at a time....

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you. I keep trying to tell myself one day at a time. It's sitting at this desk that haunts me.. It's where we've done the majority of our communicating and it just makes it consume my brain. One day at a time....

 

You may need to make big changes. I was haunted at my old job because I'd write him there and talk on the phone in the parking lot. When I left in April, it was a huge relief.

 

Think of it as any addiction. When you quit drinking or smoking, you are supposed to avoid people, places and things that you associate with your addiction. Some people have to change their whole lives. I once was involved with a separated guy and to get away I literally had to get a new job and move.

[pooldog]

Wise words, Sabella.

 

L.G. just get through today. Sometimes if you think of the "long game" of never talking again, it's too unbearable. You just need to get through today. Tomorrow is future LostGirls problem and you can deal with that later.

 

I did alll sorts of crazy things during the worst parts of NC. Most were just mildly helpful. I made a little mantra about exAP, that includided 3 really unnatracitve things about him and I would repeat that often in my head when I started to get all mushy about him. I also wore a thick rubberband around my wrist and would snap it hard to distract that flow of thoughts about him. That trick mostly just made my wrist ugly, i don't reccomend it, lol. Get outside, do something active was the best for me.

 

Just today, NC for today.

 

hugs

[Sabella]

Yesss, I can see that it would be a huge trigger for you, sitting there, where normally that's where you would be flirting and chatting with him.

 

We are going to have to figure out some tactics for you at your desk now. It's not like you can run from your desk at any given moment. Ugh. Fing A's!

[rumblefish12]

Thank you. I keep trying to tell myself one day at a time. It's sitting at this desk that haunts me.. It's where we've done the majority of our communicating and it just makes it consume my brain. One day at a time....

 

LG -- Sabella is right. Just do it one day at a time, or one hour or minute at a time. Hell, even tell yourself "I might contact him tomorrow/next week/whatever" if that will get you out of the death spiral. I know the death spiral. You can do this, LG.

 

Is there anything you want to do or buy for yourself that you can use as a distraction? Like, I need a new car, well later this year I'll need a new car. So I use that as a distraction. I research it. I think about it. I don't think about XAP. She will have never been in that new car -- lol, talk about turning a corner.

 

Anyway, you get my point. Is there a trip to take? A new skill to learn? If not, think of something. You can do it.

[Sunshinegirl10]

LG- yes focus on today, this hour...if practical go outside and do a lap around the building ---make a sign for your wall... A quote or something to remind you to be strong. And yes...if you need to tell yourself you can reach out next week - and then deal with next week when next week comes.

 

Can you make dinner/drinks/go for a walk plans for tonight? Something to look forward to?

 

I'm so sorry it's so hard ....I know...struggling sitting in my own office today ...he was only in my office once but it's so hard to get those memories out of the front of my brain ugh!

[Chica80]

LG hang in there....take it day by day.

 

Try to associate your desk your space with new things you love that don't include him. Maybe find a quote you like that helps you get through

"Never run back to the thing that broke you"

Or whatever helps you. I like Sabella idea write three things you don't like about him. When you get sappy and sad look at them.

Get a journal. Everything you would normally text or say write it in there. Exactly like you would to him. So if you just can't take it you have to write him write it down in there.

Your not alone. Lots of love and hugs.

[Lostgirl186]

LG hang in there....take it day by day.

 

Try to associate your desk your space with new things you love that don't include him. Maybe find a quote you like that helps you get through

"Never run back to the thing that broke you"

Or whatever helps you. I like Sabella idea write three things you don't like about him. When you get sappy and sad look at them.

Get a journal. Everything you would normally text or say write it in there. Exactly like you would to him. So if you just can't take it you have to write him write it down in there.

Your not alone. Lots of love and hugs.

 

 

All good advice... I've made it thru half the day... Fingers crossed I may it the rest. I am working on my three things... Unfortunately no trip or anything in the near future to focus on. I have also thought about changing jobs... But we live in a very small town and there aren't very many options. Also, it being a small town, when school starts back we will run into each other at events, etc and I have almost ten years vested in this job.. It's like a lose lose sometimes. The hardest part for me right now is that he could just drop me after two years, and it seemingly not even concern him that I haven't talked to him. The last time we went ten days, he text me on the tenth day with something stupid. The realization that isn't going to happen this time is what has hit me so hard today. Thank you all, keep willing those good vibes my way

[Ronnie33]

All good advice... I've made it thru half the day... Fingers crossed I may it the rest. I am working on my three things... Unfortunately no trip or anything in the near future to focus on. I have also thought about changing jobs... But we live in a very small town and there aren't very many options. Also, it being a small town, when school starts back we will run into each other at events, etc and I have almost ten years vested in this job.. It's like a lose lose sometimes. The hardest part for me right now is that he could just drop me after two years, and it seemingly not even concern him that I haven't talked to him. The last time we went ten days, he text me on the tenth day with something stupid. The realization that isn't going to happen this time is what has hit me so hard today. Thank you all, keep willing those good vibes my way

 

 

Isn't he away with his family right now? No matter what, don't reach out. My AP and I never spoke when we were away. It didn't matter how much we miss eachother, we were with our families and to reach out would have been disrespectful, even the the while relationship was disrespectful. It's amazing the what we let ourselves believe and justify in these relationships.

 

Anyway, don't contact him. He will contact you eventually, he isn't done but he won't be contacting because he misses you. He'll be contacting because he needs an ego boost. I read your back story and your MM sounds like the stereo typical worst kind.

[Lostgirl186]

Isn't he away with his family right now? No matter what, don't reach out. My AP and I never spoke when we were away. It didn't matter how much we miss eachother, we were with our families and to reach out would have been disrespectful, even the the while relationship was disrespectful. It's amazing the what we let ourselves believe and justify in these relationships.

 

Anyway, don't contact him. He will contact you eventually, he isn't done but he won't be contacting because he misses you. He'll be contacting because he needs an ego boost. I read your back story and your MM sounds like the stereo typical worst kind.

 

Not away with family this week- that's why it's harder for me than it was last week bc I knew last week i couldn't. I know i don't need to reach out.. And I'm ashamed that I even want to

[MidnightBlue1980]

Not away with family this week- that's why it's harder for me than it was last week bc I knew last week i couldn't. I know i don't need to reach out.. And I'm ashamed that I even want to

 

Don't be ashamed. It's normal and a sign that you are not right for the compartmentalized relationship affairs bring. I'm not either.

[Ronnie33]

You have to reach a point where you realize that as much as you love this person, or think you love them, you just want your life back. Being in an affair suck so much out of you. The last three years, I feel like I have walked around like half a person. The other half was always thinking about him. There are so many moments that I wasn't fully there for because I was worried about him. Meanwhile he was out enjoying life, I'm sure I crossed his mind but he wasn't putting his life on hold for me. That's what we do in affairs, we mentally put our life on hold for this fantasy life and oerson we want, and for what? To be kept a secret? Texts during work hours but not on the weekends? 30 mins hookups in a parking lot? Crying by yourself because you want to stop but your self esteem has dropped so low and you think you need this person in your life to feel whole?

 

Im tired of feeling like crap and I'm tired of wasting my heart and tears on someone who will never be mine. He was a great friend to me, and we helped eachother through some really difficult times and that's how this started but our time has expired. i don't want to be somebody's drug and I sure as hell don't want to be an addicted anymore. So this is my twelve step program to get the hell out of this hell I've been in for 3 years.

 

Good luck to everyome else. It's a battle but once we come out the other side, we'll come out better for it.

[Outofmysystem]

Lost, hang in there.....I feel like I failing with you but we really aren't......it's another NC day, occupy your brain with something else, take deep breaths and relax.....they are just people.....fallible, flawed, self centered with serious emotional issues.......just think of him that way.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You have to reach a point where you realize that as much as you love this person, or think you love them, you just want your life back. Being in an affair suck so much out of you. The last three years, I feel like I have walked around like half a person. The other half was always thinking about him. There are so many moments that I wasn't fully there for because I was worried about him. Meanwhile he was out enjoying life, I'm sure I crossed his mind but he wasn't putting his life on hold for me. That's what we do in affairs, we mentally put our life on hold for this fantasy life and oerson we want, and for what? To be kept a secret? Texts during work hours but not on the weekends? 30 mins hookups in a parking lot? Crying by yourself because you want to stop but your self esteem has dropped so low and you think you need this person in your life to feel whole?

 

Im tired of feeling like crap and I'm tired of wasting my heart and tears on someone who will never be mine. He was a great friend to me, and we helped eachother through some really difficult times and that's how this started but our time has expired. i don't want to be somebody's drug and I sure as hell don't want to be an addicted anymore. So this is my twelve step program to get the hell out of this hell I've been in for 3 years.

 

Good luck to everyome else. It's a battle but once we come out the other side, we'll come out better for it.

 

Yes this, all you wrote. I've wanted to post an update but starting a thread....it's too much, so many new people, telling the whole story is long and I feel like its so similar to everyone else's.

 

I relate to all you wrote Ronnie except he was not a great friend to me during the A and certainly not after it ended. My mini update for whoever remembers my story and my name is that for the last 2 months, I got him back in that he is no longer totally ignoring my existence in that he emails me and we communicate. But its not really like before. It's mostly me feeding his ego. I basically helped him get his wife to realize how she was neglecting him. So he's happy. But at the same time, he likes the attention and encourages it.

 

At first I was so happy because I had waited for 5 months for him to speak to me and it was brutal agony to have him act like I did not exist. And I enjoyed the I love yous as they came back and his attention. But then he was honest, he is not in a position to leave and he will not walk out on his family. (I guess its okay to have affairs though....)

 

Breadcrumbs...and worse the second time around, purely an EA, not even a kiss is over 7 months (not that I ever asked). And I thought, I need this contact, I have to have it because without him, I died. This is better than nothing. Maybe it's me, maybe I am too needy, demanding. If I had not forced him to choose, I would still be with him. It was my fault. And of course, that is what he made me believe. He had told me to be patient and accept things as they were, but I didn't. And so he punished me for 5 long months. And whenever I act up, he punishes me a bit again. And so I had been very, very good the last few weeks and in exchange, he communicates with me daily.

 

But then this past weekend, I read someone's full story here. No names but this person was broken. She had bet it all on her MM and lost big. One sentence hit me hard, she wrote, my own husband left me and I didn't notice because I thought it would work out with MM. Her pain was palatable. And I thought, WTF am I doing. My H is aware (if you read my story) but what if, what if he leaves me while I am being such a dumba*s over this. Over emails from some guy who is just amusing himself. His wife is not going to leave him. But me, I will lose everything. My husband. My kids. And for what? For some guy who told me that nothing will come of this. He is not even future faking. He's just a jerk.

 

So I just stopped. He wrote back to my text on Saturday and I did not respond. He emailed me today and I did not respond. I know he is not thinking anything because I have been so lovesick, he just thinks I am busy, plus I will see him tomorrow. I am not going to write him some big email or have a conversation about this, like I usually do. I am just moving on and protecting what is mine. Why should I lose everything over someone who could care less about me? He will figure it out. Or not. It does not really matter to me.

 

That is my update.

[Chica80]

 

Breadcrumbs...and worse the second time around, purely an EA, not even a kiss is over 7 months (not that I ever asked). And I thought, I need this contact, I have to have it because without him, I died. This is better than nothing. Maybe it's me, maybe I am too needy, demanding. If I had not forced him to choose, I would still be with him. It was my fault. And of course, that is what he made me believe. He had told me to be patient and accept things as they were, but I didn't. And so he punished me for 5 long months. And whenever I act up, he punishes me a bit again. And so I had been very, very good the last few weeks and in exchange, he communicates

 

That is my update.

 

 

WTF.....he sounds like a complete @**

 

If your "good" then he communicates? This is awful!!! I hope you can remember this when you're sad and wanting to reach out? You deserve better.

 

Proud of you. Work on you, your husband sounds like he wants to work on things? Maybe this will make you stronger together

[MidnightBlue1980]

WTF.....he sounds like a complete @**

 

If your "good" then he communicates? This is awful!!! I hope you can remember this when you're sad and wanting to reach out? You deserve better.

 

Proud of you. Work on you, your husband sounds like he wants to work on things? Maybe this will make you stronger together

 

Yeah, if I get angry or upset or ask overly personal questions, he will contact me pretty often. It was confusing to me because he said a lot of sexual stuff (this is all in the last 8 weeks) and would go back and forth between I love you and I wish I could leave her, but then be cold and mean. He says he is "trying" to be faithful but if I asked to meet him again, he doesn't know if he could resist. He did thank me for never asking.

 

This is really not about him, it's about me and I just realized I am taking a huge risk for seriously nothing. My H has been patient, waiting for me to feel better and get over it. If you read my story, he is no innocent, so it makes sense. But I don't want to lose him. I've really been blind.