"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Chica80]

Yeah, if I get angry or upset or ask overly personal questions, he will contact me pretty often. It was confusing to me because he said a lot of sexual stuff (this is all in the last 8 weeks) and would go back and forth between I love you and I wish I could leave her, but then be cold and mean. He says he is "trying" to be faithful but if I asked to meet him again, he doesn't know if he could resist. He did thank me for never asking.

 

This is really not about him, it's about me and I just realized I am taking a huge risk for seriously nothing. My H has been patient, waiting for me to feel better and get over it. If you read my story, he is no innocent, so it makes sense. But I don't want to lose him. I've really been blind.

 

If this is love? CONDITIONAL

not love. Your words....that's how I felt w my H . If I was "good" I was rewarded loved like a child. If I was "bad" I was punished..part of the big reason I got into A. (Seperated and filing for divorce).

 

I like what you said, about it being about you not him. Because it is regardless of the whys and the feelings. It's about you what you want what is best for you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

If this is love? CONDITIONAL

not love. Your words....that's how I felt w my H . If I was "good" I was rewarded loved like a child. If I was "bad" I was punished..part of the big reason I got into A. (Seperated and filing for divorce).

 

I like what you said, about it being about you not him. Because it is regardless of the whys and the feelings. It's about you what you want what is best for you.

 

True. xMM even calls me baby. No one has ever called me that. If you knew me, you would laugh. Not that I am super old, early 40s, but I'm not the docile female.

 

It is about me. I've given him a year of my life. I think that is enough. I am not sure what will happen with my H, but I can say with certainty that he does love me. Worst case scenario, I go off and be divorced and meet single guys.

 

I've just really sacrificed my self respect and self esteem with xMM. I've built his ego up sky high. You have no idea how much I have crawled for just a text response. I hate myself at times for sinking so low.

[Ronnie33]

Yes this, all you wrote. I've wanted to post an update but starting a thread....it's too much, so many new people, telling the whole story is long and I feel like its so similar to everyone else's.

 

I relate to all you wrote Ronnie except he was not a great friend to me during the A and certainly not after it ended. My mini update for whoever remembers my story and my name is that for the last 2 months, I got him back in that he is no longer totally ignoring my existence in that he emails me and we communicate. But its not really like before. It's mostly me feeding his ego. I basically helped him get his wife to realize how she was neglecting him. So he's happy. But at the same time, he likes the attention and encourages it.

 

At first I was so happy because I had waited for 5 months for him to speak to me and it was brutal agony to have him act like I did not exist. And I enjoyed the I love yous as they came back and his attention. But then he was honest, he is not in a position to leave and he will not walk out on his family. (I guess its okay to have affairs though....)

 

Breadcrumbs...and worse the second time around, purely an EA, not even a kiss is over 7 months (not that I ever asked). And I thought, I need this contact, I have to have it because without him, I died. This is better than nothing. Maybe it's me, maybe I am too needy, demanding. If I had not forced him to choose, I would still be with him. It was my fault. And of course, that is what he made me believe. He had told me to be patient and accept things as they were, but I didn't. And so he punished me for 5 long months. And whenever I act up, he punishes me a bit again. And so I had been very, very good the last few weeks and in exchange, he communicates with me daily.

 

But then this past weekend, I read someone's full story here. No names but this person was broken. She had bet it all on her MM and lost big. One sentence hit me hard, she wrote, my own husband left me and I didn't notice because I thought it would work out with MM. Her pain was palatable. And I thought, WTF am I doing. My H is aware (if you read my story) but what if, what if he leaves me while I am being such a dumba*s over this. Over emails from some guy who is just amusing himself. His wife is not going to leave him. But me, I will lose everything. My husband. My kids. And for what? For some guy who told me that nothing will come of this. He is not even future faking. He's just a jerk.

 

So I just stopped. He wrote back to my text on Saturday and I did not respond. He emailed me today and I did not respond. I know he is not thinking anything because I have been so lovesick, he just thinks I am busy, plus I will see him tomorrow. I am not going to write him some big email or have a conversation about this, like I usually do. I am just moving on and protecting what is mine. Why should I lose everything over someone who could care less about me? He will figure it out. Or not. It does not really matter to me.

 

That is my update.

 

There is always that moment where the light goes off in your head and you realize it's just not worth it anymore and it never really was. For me it finally happened last week. We met and hooked up and the next day I felt like such a whore. I couldn't shake the feeling this time and then when he didn't text the next day, I was so hurt. 3 years and you can't take 5 mins out and text me? After we hooked up the day before?! That's when it finally hit me that I wasn't a priority to him at all anymore. I was the woman he cheated on his fiancé with, there was nothing romantic about it. No broken love story, it was plain and simple to me finally. I kept holding onto the the first year when he loved me. Telling myself that he loved me first was my way of justifying it to myself. Truth is that it doesn't matter who he loved first, all that matters is who hes with. I'm tired of being second best, and I'm tired of feeling half present in my life.

 

I want my life and power back, and im the only one who can give myself that.

 

Good luck, one day at a time

[MidnightBlue1980]

There is always that moment where the light goes off in your head and you realize it's just not worth it anymore and it never really was. For me it finally happened last week. We met and hooked up and the next day I felt like such a whore. I couldn't shake the feeling this time and then when he didn't text the next day, I was so hurt. 3 years and you can't take 5 mins out and text me? After we hooked up the day before?! That's when it finally hit me that I wasn't a priority to him at all anymore. I was the woman he cheated on his fiancé with, there was nothing romantic about it. No broken love story, it was plain and simple to me finally. I kept holding onto the the first year when he loved me. Telling myself that he loved me first was my way of justifying it to myself. Truth is that it doesn't matter who he loved first, all that matters is who hes with. I'm tired of being second best, and I'm tired of feeling half present in my life.

 

I want my life and power back, and im the only one who can give myself that.

 

Good luck, one day at a time

 

I can totally relate to this. He would also totally ignore me after each time we were together. I mean he'd roll off and say, I hope my wife doesn't smell your perfume. And then I'd hear nothing from him the next day or worse, some joke about how we hooked up. I also felt like a whore. That is why when he came back in May, it was easy for me to keep it a EA. He wanted more but was cautious about it. I did not want to go back there.

 

I will tell you, one of my memories is a rare night where I got him off in his car (oral) and then he said, lets go into the bar. We sat outside and he bought me a beer. It was so nice because I had already done my thing for him and we were just talking, which was really all I ever wanted - time with him. We only had one drink, but I cherished it.

 

How pathetic is that.

[Ronnie33]

I can totally relate to this. He would also totally ignore me after each time we were together. I mean he'd roll off and say, I hope my wife doesn't smell your perfume. And then I'd hear nothing from him the next day or worse, some joke about how we hooked up. I also felt like a whore. That is why when he came back in May, it was easy for me to keep it a EA. He wanted more but was cautious about it. I did not want to go back there.

 

I will tell you, one of my memories is a rare night where I got him off in his car (oral) and then he said, lets go into the bar. We sat outside and he bought me a beer. It was so nice because I had already done my thing for him and we were just talking, which was really all I ever wanted - time with him. We only had one drink, but I cherished it.

 

How pathetic is that.

 

It's not pathetic, we were in love with them. I have done things during this affair that make me feel like I don't even know myself anymore. We were addicted to eachother in different ways. Last week when I met him to tell him I couldn't somthis anymore he said "what part?" I said "we can't hook up anymore, it makes me feel like a whore" he looked at me like I was crazy. Then I asked him "how long were you planning on letting this go for? Your wedding is in two months" he said "I don't know, I didn't put a date on it". Of course he didn't, he's getting the best of both worlds while I'm getting nothing.

[Poppy47]

It's not pathetic, we were in love with them. I have done things during this affair that make me feel like I don't even know myself anymore. We were addicted to eachother in different ways. Last week when I met him to tell him I couldn't somthis anymore he said "what part?" I said "we can't hook up anymore, it makes me feel like a whore" he looked at me like I was crazy. Then I asked him "how long were you planning on letting this go for? Your wedding is in two months" he said "I don't know, I didn't put a date on it". Of course he didn't, he's getting the best of both worlds while I'm getting nothing.

 

You have had the light bulb moment.... act on it. He's getting married you say?

Why are you hanging around?

Dump him NOW.

Poppy.

[Ronnie33]

I did, I ended it last week. This time feels different, one day at a time.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I did, I ended it last week. This time feels different, one day at a time.

 

I am with you Ronnie. Except I stopped on my own, usually I write a big email about my feelings and how I need to move on, can't do this anymore. This time I did not do that. I just went dark.

 

I saw him today and I could tell he was not sure, was I mad since I had not responded since Friday? I acted normal. I'm not actually mad. I've just decided I gave him a year of my life - a year - and enough is enough. I did not share this with him, usually I would have. We even walked out together and I could tell he thought I was going to say something on a personal level since we were alone but I just said, have a good week.

 

I am going to focus on what I have in my life. I think I am really done.

[Lobe]

The hardest part for me right now is that he could just drop me after two years, and it seemingly not even concern him that I haven't talked to him.

 

So, as a BS I think I can offer some perspective on this. My WH was genuinely broken after his A ended. I can tell you that the betrayal of the affair paled in comparison to watching them send smoke signals back and forth - he failed at NC in a BIG way and it hurt me in ways I can't even begin to describe. I suppose it's the same kind of pain for the OW/OM who knows that their MM/MW loves their BS.

 

Anyway.

 

My WH was deeply and genuinely sad that he hurt the OW and went through awful withdrawal, but he was even more horrified with the amount of pain he had and was putting me through while he selfishly tried to make himself look like less of a douche canoe to her. WH made a decision to go NC because he felt like it was as unfair of him to lead her on as it was to inflict that kind of humiliation on me. The pain of the breakup was his cross to bear and once he finally went NC, he realized that he had been hindering his own recovery as well. No more false hope for her, no more slap in the face for me, no more picking a scab off a wound for him.

 

If your xMM is truly a narcissist who just used you then I guess this doesn't apply, but if he was just a regular fellow who got caught up in a big mess, maybe he's just trying to make it less messy for everyone.

 

Stay strong, LG. You've got this.

[ZBA]

Wow, it looks like a couple of people like Ronnie and Midnight have reached their "a-ha" lightbulb moments to motivate them to move forward. That's so incredible! It made me smile for you guys to see you healing and taking that big mental step

 

LG, haven't heard from you today. I know you were really struggling yesterday and have been thinking about you. How are you doing today? On that note, how are ALL of you doing? It's always helpful to hear your daily updates.

 

I'll be honest. I saw MM yesterday (remember we've kept LC). First time actually SEEING him in a month - we met in a public place for a chat. I was actually a bit nervous beforehand since it's been while! We sat on a bench at the park and just caught up for an hour. It was mostly just updates on life in general as well as what's going on in our respective relationships. That was it. Honestly, it uplifted me because I had SO missed how we used to talk about everything and see each other daily. I know everyone says keeping in touch makes it easy to start back up again - and I realize EXPERIENCE SPEAKS, so those who have already gone through this know better. BUT I still couldn't resist I left our meet-up feeling good and I figured I would have crashed by now, wanting to see him or speak more, but so far I'm okay.

 

This is what doesn't make sense to me: after I saw him I was actually able to focus MORE on other things throughout the rest of my day, rather than when I don't see or hear from him and wind up obsessing over things. Why is that? I've felt lighter since yesterday and haven't been as mentally consumed with the situation and my feelings. Maybe the answer is obvious but I don't understand it. Does this make sense to anyone?

[Lobe]

BUT I still couldn't resist I left our meet-up feeling good and I figured I would have crashed by now, wanting to see him or speak more, but so far I'm okay.

 

This is what doesn't make sense to me: after I saw him I was actually able to focus MORE on other things throughout the rest of my day, rather than when I don't see or hear from him and wind up obsessing over things. Why is that? I've felt lighter since yesterday and haven't been as mentally consumed with the situation and my feelings. Maybe the answer is obvious but I don't understand it. Does this make sense to anyone?

 

Pure speculation here, based on a hot-cold-hot-cold tumultuous boyfriend/just friends/boyfriend/just friends I once had...

 

You might be in the "honeymoon" phase of the breakup - maybe right now you feel completely in control and confident but next time you admit you miss each other or say something insensitive that makes the other a little jealous or sad or maybe you sit a little closer on the bench and brush fingertips accidentally while reaching for a napkin then something flares up and you're back to square one...

 

I think just like affairs flare up in increments, the rekindling starts in increments, too, hence why folks are usually cautioned against keeping the embers alive with LC. Anyway you slice it, your'e playing with fire and should take precautions against getting burnt. Maybe keep your oven mitts handy just in case

[rumblefish12]

HiI ZBA -- My guess is that it's like any drug. You've just had a small fixwhich will keep you going for the time being. I think for me it's the not knowing. And even when I saw her on the street there was a mild sense of relief because I knew she was alive and "okay" but how could I tell really. But for me the not knowing is really hard. I do know it is for the best for me because with contact I'd go back to square one. As hard as the not knowing is, I don't want to go back.

 

i'm doing okay here. Just plugging away.

 

I often think of that line in SLeepless in Seattle. "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about ... XAP .... and the A."

 

This is what doesn't make sense to me: after I saw him I was actually able to focus MORE on other things throughout the rest of my day, rather than when I don't see or hear from him and wind up obsessing over things. Why is that? I've felt lighter since yesterday and haven't been as mentally consumed with the situation and my feelings. Maybe the answer is obvious but I don't understand it. Does this make sense to anyone?

[Ronnie33]

HiI ZBA -- My guess is that it's like any drug. You've just had a small fixwhich will keep you going for the time being. I think for me it's the not knowing. And even when I saw her on the street there was a mild sense of relief because I knew she was alive and "okay" but how could I tell really. But for me the not knowing is really hard. I do know it is for the best for me because with contact I'd go back to square one. As hard as the not knowing is, I don't want to go back.

 

i'm doing okay here. Just plugging away.

 

I often think of that line in SLeepless in Seattle. "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about ... XAP .... and the A."

 

This just made me cry. One of my favorite movies and lines of all time.

 

That's exactly how it feels.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Wow, it looks like a couple of people like Ronnie and Midnight have reached their "a-ha" lightbulb moments to motivate them to move forward. That's so incredible! It made me smile for you guys to see you healing and taking that big mental step

 

LG, haven't heard from you today. I know you were really struggling yesterday and have been thinking about you. How are you doing today? On that note, how are ALL of you doing? It's always helpful to hear your daily updates.

 

I'll be honest. I saw MM yesterday (remember we've kept LC). First time actually SEEING him in a month - we met in a public place for a chat. I was actually a bit nervous beforehand since it's been while! We sat on a bench at the park and just caught up for an hour. It was mostly just updates on life in general as well as what's going on in our respective relationships. That was it. Honestly, it uplifted me because I had SO missed how we used to talk about everything and see each other daily. I know everyone says keeping in touch makes it easy to start back up again - and I realize EXPERIENCE SPEAKS, so those who have already gone through this know better. BUT I still couldn't resist I left our meet-up feeling good and I figured I would have crashed by now, wanting to see him or speak more, but so far I'm okay.

 

This is what doesn't make sense to me: after I saw him I was actually able to focus MORE on other things throughout the rest of my day, rather than when I don't see or hear from him and wind up obsessing over things. Why is that? I've felt lighter since yesterday and haven't been as mentally consumed with the situation and my feelings. Maybe the answer is obvious but I don't understand it. Does this make sense to anyone?

 

Rumble beat me to it. It's a hit from a drug. So yes, you feel good now. The crash will (probably) come later. What you did today, I did that a lot and it is just bad for me, and probably you. I am sort of okay seeing him today as we did not have any personal conversation at all. Any communication, I kept to the business at hand. I'll admit that I check my email today but I have really come to realize that it was my driving a lot of this. Even when we were together, he was not a big communicator. I guess you could say I am trying to forgive myself and just move on.

 

If you crash, just post here.

[Lostgirl186]

Yes this, all you wrote. I've wanted to post an update but starting a thread....it's too much, so many new people, telling the whole story is long and I feel like its so similar to everyone else's.

 

I relate to all you wrote Ronnie except he was not a great friend to me during the A and certainly not after it ended. My mini update for whoever remembers my story and my name is that for the last 2 months, I got him back in that he is no longer totally ignoring my existence in that he emails me and we communicate. But its not really like before. It's mostly me feeding his ego. I basically helped him get his wife to realize how she was neglecting him. So he's happy. But at the same time, he likes the attention and encourages it.

 

At first I was so happy because I had waited for 5 months for him to speak to me and it was brutal agony to have him act like I did not exist. And I enjoyed the I love yous as they came back and his attention. But then he was honest, he is not in a position to leave and he will not walk out on his family. (I guess its okay to have affairs though....)

 

Breadcrumbs...and worse the second time around, purely an EA, not even a kiss is over 7 months (not that I ever asked). And I thought, I need this contact, I have to have it because without him, I died. This is better than nothing. Maybe it's me, maybe I am too needy, demanding. If I had not forced him to choose, I would still be with him. It was my fault. And of course, that is what he made me believe. He had told me to be patient and accept things as they were, but I didn't. And so he punished me for 5 long months. And whenever I act up, he punishes me a bit again. And so I had been very, very good the last few weeks and in exchange, he communicates with me daily.

 

But then this past weekend, I read someone's full story here. No names but this person was broken. She had bet it all on her MM and lost big. One sentence hit me hard, she wrote, my own husband left me and I didn't notice because I thought it would work out with MM. Her pain was palatable. And I thought, WTF am I doing. My H is aware (if you read my story) but what if, what if he leaves me while I am being such a dumba*s over this. Over emails from some guy who is just amusing himself. His wife is not going to leave him. But me, I will lose everything. My husband. My kids. And for what? For some guy who told me that nothing will come of this. He is not even future faking. He's just a jerk.

 

So I just stopped. He wrote back to my text on Saturday and I did not respond. He emailed me today and I did not respond. I know he is not thinking anything because I have been so lovesick, he just thinks I am busy, plus I will see him tomorrow. I am not going to write him some big email or have a conversation about this, like I usually do. I am just moving on and protecting what is mine. Why should I lose everything over someone who could care less about me? He will figure it out. Or not. It does not really matter to me.

 

That is my update.

 

 

This.. ❤️...... Sounds all too familiar

[Lostgirl186]

I'm disappointed to admit that we talked last night- it started when i was communicating with other coworkers who are on the same trip... One thing led to another and we ended up texting for an hour or so.. It was just friendly conversation at first, joking at whatnot.. And then he hinted around to me that I could drive up there while he was there this week- bc he's in a room alone. Like I could really just up and leave my house unnoticed make a two and a half hour drive, and come back and be at work the next morning... It's been six week since we've done anything physical..I guess he thought he'd seize the opportunity.. When we stopped talking for the night, he told me goodnight and that it had been good talking to me... It was a lot like talking to the old version of him.. But I know it never lasts.. We had a brief hello this morning, he sent me a funny picture from his vacation (no family in it) and then dropped off the face of the earth I guess bc we never finished the conversation and he vanished. I'm disappointed but was immediately relieved after getting my fix... Now I feel like sh*t again, and he probably feels good knowing he can still talk to me and I'm as nice as ever. He got his pick me up too. I'm definitely going to have to move or find another job. I'm trying to look at the positive- I did make it ten days... But right now I'm pretty much a failure

[Lobe]

It was just friendly conversation at first, joking at whatnot.. And then he hinted around to me that I could drive up there while he was there this week- bc he's in a room alone. I'm definitely going to have to move or find another job... I'm trying to look at the positive- I did make it ten days... But right now I'm pretty much a failure

 

Oh boy LG. Hugs to you.

 

You're not a failure - two steps forward, one step back is still progress. Knowing that you feel like sh*t after the coming off your little fix is very telling of what the future holds if you continue. And the fact he tried to lure you in for sex despite your conversation starting with work clearly demonstrates that he has no boundaries for himself, no respect for your boundaries and no intention of developing any. Stay angry with him.

 

I know after d-day I started fantasizing about life without my WH and it involved some pretty lofty dreams of travel and adventure - is getting a new job and/or relocating a real possibility? I'm not for a second suggesting that you are or should be running away, but even though your baggage will follow you, making a clean break, putting some physical distance between you guys (even if it's just a different office building), and getting a fresh start will at least give you the time and space you need to heal.

 

What do you think you'll do?

[RedOlive]

LG, you are not a failure. You are a human who gave into her emotions. Some would say that at any given moment you are only doing the best you can at that very moment. That was the best you could do because it seems you haven't hit your 'rock bottom' in this A yet. Pain/pleasure principle. Eventually the contact will cause more pain than it elevates, and when it does you'll choose to avoid it.

 

Try to learn from this experience, recognize your pattern, come back here and read your posts again next time you may be tempted to chat with your MM. You gave him his 'pick me up', what will be yours? Make yourself a priority, take care of your feelings and let your behavior adjustments come first. Your mind and heart will catch up in time. Don't beat yourself up for this slip either, dust yourself off and try again. You can do this. (((hugs)))

Edited July 19, 2016 by RedOlive

[Sabella]

I'm disappointed to admit that we talked last night- it started when i was communicating with other coworkers who are on the same trip... One thing led to another and we ended up texting for an hour or so.. It was just friendly conversation at first, joking at whatnot.. And then he hinted around to me that I could drive up there while he was there this week- bc he's in a room alone. Like I could really just up and leave my house unnoticed make a two and a half hour drive, and come back and be at work the next morning... It's been six week since we've done anything physical..I guess he thought he'd seize the opportunity.. When we stopped talking for the night, he told me goodnight and that it had been good talking to me... It was a lot like talking to the old version of him.. But I know it never lasts.. We had a brief hello this morning, he sent me a funny picture from his vacation (no family in it) and then dropped off the face of the earth I guess bc we never finished the conversation and he vanished. I'm disappointed but was immediately relieved after getting my fix... Now I feel like sh*t again, and he probably feels good knowing he can still talk to me and I'm as nice as ever. He got his pick me up too. I'm definitely going to have to move or find another job. I'm trying to look at the positive- I did make it ten days... But right now I'm pretty much a failure

 

Not a Crash and Burn. It was just a temporary blip, nothing more. He didn't win anything. You didn't cave and drive up to meet him for sex, so you win actually! Like being on a diet and slipping up and eating a chocolate chip cookie. No biggie, don't let it derail Everything. I know it's hard, but don't give it any more importance than that, just let it go, push it out of your mind and carry on. Focus on looking for that new dream job maybe, anything to distract you.

 

(((Big Hugs)))

(((extra hugs)))

[Chica80]

I guess my best option is to act happy and hope he doesn't talk to me (which I'm doubtful he will.) letting him know I'm hurting is letting him win. He's used to me always being there ..and I know it makes it easier for him knowing that I want him.... And now I just need to not be there, to be indifferent. My biggest fear is that when I finally start feeling better, (he will be gone for two weeks this month) he will pop back in or notice that I'm gone. I don't think he will... But the fear is there. I'm so sorry I caved guys.

 

Do you remember writing this? It was 10 days like you said. He ignored you he's now alone in a hotel and wants you to come up?

How did it feel the last time you saw him. He was on the phone couldn't even stop to talk to you?

It doesn't feel like it but you are stronger. You can get through this.

[ZBA]

HiI ZBA -- My guess is that it's like any drug. You've just had a small fixwhich will keep you going for the time being. I think for me it's the not knowing. And even when I saw her on the street there was a mild sense of relief because I knew she was alive and "okay" but how could I tell really. But for me the not knowing is really hard. I do know it is for the best for me because with contact I'd go back to square one. As hard as the not knowing is, I don't want to go back.

 

Rumble beat me to it. It's a hit from a drug. So yes, you feel good now. The crash will (probably) come later. What you did today, I did that a lot and it is just bad for me, and probably you.

 

If you crash, just post here.

 

Holy crap you guys. I just realized how right you both are! I got my "hit" from my drug, didn't I. I saw MM and that's why I stopped obsessing. Once we had time together, my mind was at ease. RUMBLE you nailed it...it's the not knowing. It's the distance and separation and wondering that brings me back to the pits of sadness. It's having enough time apart that I begin to question if it all ever meant anything to him.

 

Except unlike RUMBLE and MIDNIGHT, I have no scenarios in which I'd run into my AP. It's either a deliberate choice to text or meet up, or else it all goes black. Nothing. So there isn't that small, reassuring moment of seeing him on the street or at work and at least knowing he's ok.

 

I guess that means the crash is coming, right? Altho, it might not yet. At the very last minute, I jumped on a serendipitous opportunity to go on a mini getaway with work friends starting today and until Monday morning. MM does know about the trip, btw - and mentioned keeping in LC. Anyway, the day after I get back I have a concert, then I have all-day plans with one of my GF's on Thursday. Busy week, on a good way.

 

And then there's Friday. Next Friday (not this coming one) it was his idea to possibly meet. Again in a public place. For the most part I've been the one reaching out, so his suggestion surprised me. It's tentative. We'll see how I am by then, but if knowing it's there helps keep me from "crashing," so be it.

 

Btw, LOBE, thank you for your response to my question as well. I so appreciate your perspective on this board! That you can communicate and have meaningful (not hateful) dialogue with OM/OW here despite being a BS is astounding and I find it really awesome. So thanks for always popping up to give insight from your side of things. Oven mitts are on, girl! Lol

[ZBA]

I'm disappointed to admit that we talked last night- it started when i was communicating with other coworkers who are on the same trip... One thing led to another and we ended up texting for an hour or so.. It was just friendly conversation at first, joking at whatnot.. And then he hinted around to me that I could drive up there while he was there this week- bc he's in a room alone. Like I could really just up and leave my house unnoticed make a two and a half hour drive, and come back and be at work the next morning... It's been six week since we've done anything physical..I guess he thought he'd seize the opportunity.. When we stopped talking for the night, he told me goodnight and that it had been good talking to me... It was a lot like talking to the old version of him.. But I know it never lasts.. We had a brief hello this morning, he sent me a funny picture from his vacation (no family in it) and then dropped off the face of the earth I guess bc we never finished the conversation and he vanished. I'm disappointed but was immediately relieved after getting my fix... Now I feel like sh*t again, and he probably feels good knowing he can still talk to me and I'm as nice as ever. He got his pick me up too. I'm definitely going to have to move or find another job. I'm trying to look at the positive- I did make it ten days... But right now I'm pretty much a failure

 

LG, you are NOT a failure! No one ever said this process would be a straight incline. It has dips and peaks but you are STILL on your way upward. I'm just sorry that he disappeared on you again. It's so convenient for them, isn't it? Come back around when they feel like getting the attention, then drop from existence when it suits them. It's crazy because if anyone else like a sibling, friend, parent, ect suddenly disappeared from a conversation we would so not be okay with it! But when you are in a rough place and craving that contact with MM, you make these strange allowances. Isn't it nuts when you think about it?

Edited July 20, 2016 by ZBA

[Chica80]

So we started LC a couple of weeks ago. So far it's been going good I think. We've only seen each other at wrk. Have text a bit most days.

 

Seeing eachother has been fine. It almost feels back to how things were before A ever started.

 

Which is good right? Isn't that what I'm supposed to want. It's what's best for him best for me.

Why does it make me feel so sad then?

Usually he would bring me tea or food. Not anymore (that was one of my rules).

And the one time we did see eachother after work it was brief and in public. He's been good like I said. Which I tell myself means more. We are not meeting in secret lying or hooking up. It's what I wanted...

[Ronnie33]

You feel sad because even though it's right, you don't want it to end. It's a constant reminder of what you want and can't have. I think it will resume, you are in to close of contact and too much temptation. Right now it seems ok but eventually it will start over. Been down this road one too many times.

[MidnightBlue1980]

So we started LC a couple of weeks ago. So far it's been going good I think. We've only seen each other at wrk. Have text a bit most days.

 

Seeing eachother has been fine. It almost feels back to how things were before A ever started.

 

Which is good right? Isn't that what I'm supposed to want. It's what's best for him best for me.

Why does it make me feel so sad then?

Usually he would bring me tea or food. Not anymore (that was one of my rules).

And the one time we did see eachother after work it was brief and in public. He's been good like I said. Which I tell myself means more. We are not meeting in secret lying or hooking up. It's what I wanted...

 

I tried this for about 6 weeks. It blew up. I could not handle it, got angry, found out he was lying, you can look up my story. I also thought it was what I wanted, but it wasn't and I am sure it is not what you want either. We are back to NC, I do see him once a week but outside of that, I do not contact him and when I see him, its all business.

 

Like others post, it does hurt but it's easier and think of it like this - obviously this guy is not in love with you or he would not be able to do LC. So you are making him happy by giving him LC. Maybe its not exactly what he wanted but he gets a nice ego boast and if you are appearing fine, he no longer feels like the bad guy.

 

Do you really want to make him feel better by making yourself feel worse?

 

Do you really want to help his fix his marriage by plugging the holes in whatever is missing in it or himself by filling his emotional needs?