"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Puppybuttons]

I have been reading this post with interest because I've been trying to pull the plug on my five year affair but finding it so hard to do.

 

The details: we met via Craigslist because we were both in dead bedroom situations. The connection was immediate but very quickly (like within two months) we were best friends. We do not work together (I work from home and he was in graduate school) but we've been together literally every day for the last five years, up to eight hours a day.

 

About a year ago we had a mini d day ( his wife saw a text) but he was adamant that he would not give me up and he didn't. We were just extra careful for a while but now it's back to normal.

 

She knows about me, that we are best friends. He said he didn't want to hide me and initially wanted me to befriend her. I did and we would all do things together. I felt like scum and told him I couldn't do that anymore and distanced myself from her. She has stated several times that our relationship makes him happier and that their marriage is more stable because of it. They also fixed their dead bedroom which has been hard for me to deal with. They don't have kids, just a large menagerie of animals. This is his second marriage.

 

I know everyone says that their affair is different or special. After years of reading these boards, I can honestly say ours is. We do everything together and nothing is hidden except our sex life. I've cleaned up his vomit and nursed him through various sicknesses. I've taken care of his animals while they are gone and driven his wife to the airport when her mom died. He's helped me through chemotherapy and suicidal depression. We run errands together. I know what's in his fridge better than he does (and he does all the cooking). I know what medications he takes. We go clothes and appliance and towel shopping together. We buy each other gifts and know each other's credit card numbers. We've done home improvement stuff and doctor's visits and movies and restaurants and sports games together. I've cooked meals for him, we volunteer together and everyone knows us as a couple. We play video games at his house. Sex is maybe once a week so it's not the focus at all. In essence, I feel like the junior wife in a triad, it's just that she doesn't know! We say I love you daily, and I believe he does. Just not enough.

 

It's going to come as a shock to him. We've had a few issues, but barely, and have never even had a serious fight or a breakup. We are stronger together now than we've ever been. Having experienced full life with him, I feel like we were made for each other, he agrees, but he will never leave her.

 

Due to them fixing their dead bedroom and things starting to fade for us sexually, I feel like I must end the relationship. The hardest part will be losing my best friend and constant companion. I haven't done it yet, but I can't eat, I'm sick to my stomach and feel generally miserable. He knows something's wrong but I've just been saying I have a bug.

 

For those of you who ended it, how did you do it? How did you find the courage?

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

For those of you who ended it, how did you do it? How did you find the courage?

 

I wouldn't call it courage; I could not do the OW thing, I lasted 5 months and it made me into a crazy person. I was calm about it, I said are you going to leave, he said no, he wanted this to continue for 10 years till his daughter was grown. I said then it is over. It just hurt too much to be on the side.

 

Two days later my husband decided that was not good enough and forced xMM to tell his wife. You would be surprised how fast MM drop their OW once their wife knows. They drop them, throw them under the bus and run them over.

 

Does your husband know? My other reason for stopping the EA (because he came back, they always come back once the wife thinks its over) was I did not want to lose my husband. I decided xMM was simply not worth my sacrificing my whole life.

 

Added: and BTW, they all lie about the dead bedroom thing too.

[Ronnie33]

I have been reading this post with interest because I've been trying to pull the plug on my five year affair but finding it so hard to do.

 

The details: we met via Craigslist because we were both in dead bedroom situations. The connection was immediate but very quickly (like within two months) we were best friends. We do not work together (I work from home and he was in graduate school) but we've been together literally every day for the last five years, up to eight hours a day.

 

About a year ago we had a mini d day ( his wife saw a text) but he was adamant that he would not give me up and he didn't. We were just extra careful for a while but now it's back to normal.

 

She knows about me, that we are best friends. He said he didn't want to hide me and initially wanted me to befriend her. I did and we would all do things together. I felt like scum and told him I couldn't do that anymore and distanced myself from her. She has stated several times that our relationship makes him happier and that their marriage is more stable because of it. They also fixed their dead bedroom which has been hard for me to deal with. They don't have kids, just a large menagerie of animals. This is his second marriage.

 

I know everyone says that their affair is different or special. After years of reading these boards, I can honestly say ours is. We do everything together and nothing is hidden except our sex life. I've cleaned up his vomit and nursed him through various sicknesses. I've taken care of his animals while they are gone and driven his wife to the airport when her mom died. He's helped me through chemotherapy and suicidal depression. We run errands together. I know what's in his fridge better than he does (and he does all the cooking). I know what medications he takes. We go clothes and appliance and towel shopping together. We buy each other gifts and know each other's credit card numbers. We've done home improvement stuff and doctor's visits and movies and restaurants and sports games together. I've cooked meals for him, we volunteer together and everyone knows us as a couple. We play video games at his house. Sex is maybe once a week so it's not the focus at all. In essence, I feel like the junior wife in a triad, it's just that she doesn't know! We say I love you daily, and I believe he does. Just not enough.

 

It's going to come as a shock to him. We've had a few issues, but barely, and have never even had a serious fight or a breakup. We are stronger together now than we've ever been. Having experienced full life with him, I feel like we were made for each other, he agrees, but he will never leave her.

 

Due to them fixing their dead bedroom and things starting to fade for us sexually, I feel like I must end the relationship. The hardest part will be losing my best friend and constant companion. I haven't done it yet, but I can't eat, I'm sick to my stomach and feel generally miserable. He knows something's wrong but I've just been saying I have a bug.

 

For those of you who ended it, how did you do it? How did you find the courage?

 

The wife knows you guys are sleeping together, she's just in denial. What woman allows their husband to hang out with a woman he met on Craigslist?? Sounds very strange.

 

It's great that you are holding their marriage together, while you get to watch from the side alone.

 

It doesn't matter how different your story is, if he's your best friend, soul mate, one true love. You are still not his #1.

 

One you get sick of being second best, you will find the respect to move on. Until then you'll convince yourself of anything to stay with him.

[Puppybuttons]

Midnight - my husband knows him. We (H & I) have a don't ask, don't tell policy. Our marriage is over, I'm just staying for a couple more years until our youngest turns 18 to avoid a custody battle.

 

Ronnie - she does not know we met via Craigslist. He told her we met through his school. I've long suspected she knows, he adamantly says she does not but she's smart, I can't see how she doesn't. Granted, she does not know how much time we spend together because she's the primary breadwinner of their family.

[Chica80]

obviously this guy is not in love with you or he would not be able to do LC. So you are making him happy by giving him LC. Maybe its not exactly what he wanted but he gets a nice ego boast and if you are appearing fine, he no longer feels like the bad guy.

 

Do you really want to make him feel better by making yourself feel worse?

 

Do you really want to help his fix his marriage by plugging the holes in whatever is missing in it or himself by filling his emotional needs?

 

I agree with some things you say...do I want him to fix his marriage in a way no that would make me sad. It hurts. Yes I want to be with him. But not this way. That is not love. If I love him I want what is best for him not best for me.

 

I dont know if he loves me. I would like to believe so. By actions. It's easy to say I love you anyone can say that. What do your actions show. He could easily restart things...in my moments of sadness I've told him I would be on the side whatever makes him happy I would do. He always says no. He doesn't want me to be on the side he wants more for me. To be full to be happy. So he could easily have his cake he doesn't.( yes we mess up we have because that's always been intense between us) But still continues to be there when I need him. Without something in return.

 

So maybe I don't agree if he really loved me he would not do LC. That takes more restraint than going back where we were....

[Ronnie33]

You telling him you would be on the side, is telling him that you value him, more then yourself. He has the best of both worlds. The doting mistress and the wife.

 

Yes, things are intense, that's the whole addiction part of the affair. ive realized it's nothing special and all chemical.

 

Like I said before, my AP was my best friend for a year before the affair. I still think he's a good man but I think the affair brought out the worst in the both of us.

 

I'm ready to date and meet other people, he isn't the only man out there. He's just the one that was there, at the exact right time we both needed someone.

[Ronnie33]

I will add that I don't hate my AP, I'm still find of him in many ways. I just hate who we were during the affair. I don't ever want to be those people again.

 

if I could go back to the day it all changed, I would in a minute. Just to have my friend back again before all this crap got in the way. That's when our friendship was real, everything after that was tainted with lies and hurt.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I will add that I don't hate my AP, I'm still find of him in many ways. I just hate who we were during the affair. I don't ever want to be those people again.

 

if I could go back to the day it all changed, I would in a minute. Just to have my friend back again before all this crap got in the way. That's when our friendship was real, everything after that was tainted with lies and hurt.

 

I guess it depends on the person. I am aware you can't lump everyone together in this. I also never want to be that person again. For me, I do feel like my xMM is a bad guy because of what he did in May-June, coming back with the I love yous and roommate marriage when they were actually in marriage counseling and having sex finally. Why not just leave me alone? He had no problem leaving me alone for 5 months and did not care? Its odd to me, his timing. And to tell me that he denies loving me in his marriage counseling. I am not sure if he is just purposely trying to hurt me for some reason which I cannot figure out.

 

I also could go back in a minute and never start any of this.

 

Maybe some of these guys really do love both the W and OW (which xMM has said, I have it in text). But you can only be in love with one person and whatever else is going on, its about fear, needs and other reasons, not love.

[Ronnie33]

I guess it depends on the person. I am aware you can't lump everyone together in this. I also never want to be that person again. For me, I do feel like my xMM is a bad guy because of what he did in May-June, coming back with the I love yous and roommate marriage when they were actually in marriage counseling and having sex finally. Why not just leave me alone? He had no problem leaving me alone for 5 months and did not care? Its odd to me, his timing. And to tell me that he denies loving me in his marriage counseling. I am not sure if he is just purposely trying to hurt me for some reason which I cannot figure out.

 

I also could go back in a minute and never start any of this.

 

Maybe some of these guys really do love both the W and OW (which xMM has said, I have it in text). But you can only be in love with one person and whatever else is going on, its about fear, needs and other reasons, not love.

 

Your AP sounds like a completely selfish asshat. He pulled you back in everytime just to hurt you again, knowing he had no intention of changing anything. Sociopath.

 

My AP and I were totally naive to our emotional affair. Then before we knew it we fell for eachother and it happened. He never lied to me and we never made eachother promises. I think that's why I don't hate him.

[Lobe]

if I could go back to the day it all changed, I would in a minute. Just to have my friend back again before all this crap got in the way. That's when our friendship was real, everything after that was tainted with lies and hurt.

 

This is exactly what my husband says about his AP. He said that the A turned him into the worst possible version of himself that he could have ever imagined. He doesn't hate her, I'm sure he still feels guilty and sad for hurting her, but he knows that there is no way to go back now. My only thought is that their close friendship would never have developed if a) he had told me about her existence and b) he had been talking to me about all the alleged problems in his life instead of her.

 

I also could go back in a minute and never start any of this.

 

WH's xOW send him a creepy stalker-ish birthday card saying that she wished the same thing, that she missed the friendship more than anything. Again, I question if the friendship would ever have existed in the first place had my husband not set things up in such a way. Have you read the book, "NOT just friends?"

 

Maybe some of these guys really do love both the W and OW (which xMM has said, I have it in text). But you can only be in love with one person and whatever else is going on, its about fear, needs and other reasons, not love.

 

I am seriously in love (bad joke completely intentional) with this video I stumbled across today: ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_tells_us_why_we_love_cheat?language=en My husband and I were in lust, then in love, then loving. Affairs get stalled out somewhere between sex and romance - they cannot, by their very nature, mature like a normal relationship, according to Fisher, into stable, deep, loving, respectful, tolerant relationship that will make it possible to stay together and endure raising a couple of kids. She even goes so far as to state that "romantic love" is not "real" love, only the warm up act, biologically speaking.

 

Do you question if things weren't a little too carefully "orchestrated" for a "deep friendship" to develop?

 

In other news YAY ME! I figured out how to quote multiple posters today!

 

In other related (and more important) news, lostgirl, how is your day today?

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is exactly what my husband says about his AP. He said that the A turned him into the worst possible version of himself that he could have ever imagined. He doesn't hate her, I'm sure he still feels guilty and sad for hurting her, but he knows that there is no way to go back now. My only thought is that their close friendship would never have developed if a) he had told me about her existence and b) he had been talking to me about all the alleged problems in his life instead of her.

 

 

 

WH's xOW send him a creepy stalker-ish birthday card saying that she wished the same thing, that she missed the friendship more than anything. Again, I question if the friendship would ever have existed in the first place had my husband not set things up in such a way. Have you read the book, "NOT just friends?"

 

 

 

I am seriously in love (bad joke completely intentional) with this video I stumbled across today: ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_tells_us_why_we_love_cheat?language=en My husband and I were in lust, then in love, then loving. Affairs get stalled out somewhere between sex and romance - they cannot, by their very nature, mature like a normal relationship, according to Fisher, into stable, deep, loving, respectful, tolerant relationship that will make it possible to stay together and endure raising a couple of kids. She even goes so far as to state that "romantic love" is not "real" love, only the warm up act, biologically speaking.

 

Do you question if things weren't a little too carefully "orchestrated" for a "deep friendship" to develop?

 

In other news YAY ME! I figured out how to quote multiple posters today!

 

In other related (and more important) news, lostgirl, how is your day today?

 

I'm afraid to write in your quote, I am not sure how it will look online. It might be confusing.

 

Here is my take - women will probably not agree with me. I do not believe it is possible to go back to a real friendship because I do not believe a real friendship ever existed in the first place. Yes, friends fall in love, times of war, intense jobs, there are particular situations in which a man and a woman are isolated from their spouses by situations out of their control and a real friendship and romance develops. I have not read anyone posting this tale.

 

Instead its an inappropriate friendship where the woman is genuinely okay with it being an EA for a while, maybe forever, since women crave love and attention but men, genuinely they are in these things for attention and sex. The reason I say this is I have guy friends, even a pretty close guy friend, and I have zero attraction to him and no romantic feelings. Plus to Lobe's point above, my husband knows all about him. We are in the friend zone and honestly, neither of us wants to screw up our friendship. Its easy to go have an affair. A real friend, that is harder to find. Plus - he wouldn't take advantage of me when I was in such a weakened emotional state last winter. A friend looks out for you - not uses you.

 

For me, xMM was never my friend. I mean that literally. I knew who he was, we had business lunches 2x a year and were friendly each week but I did not even know what he did for a living. The EA started out of thin air. For a long time I also said I wish I could go back so we could be friends, but thats a lie, there was no friendship. I wish I could go back alright, I'd undo the entire thing and go back to barely knowing him.

 

I agree a man has to be careful about talking to a woman about his problems. It makes them feel attached. Women...we can listen to all sorts of people's problems and share in return. I tell my hairdresser about my problems. I think we are better at talking without bonding instantly. Men...not so much.

 

I just doubt this whole 'we were friends thing and it just happened' that men say. My H says that too. They met at the gym. I have no friends at the gym. I can no more imagine giving my number to a guy at the gym that going in their topless. Obviously he created a friendship - false intimacy. She also thought they were friends.

 

I'm wandering verbally. I'm just getting very jaded about all these things and my whole perspective is changing.

 

BTW, I love Ted Talks. I saw the ones on infidelity. "Why do we cheat" They are awesome.

[Lobe]

The reason I say this is I have guy friends, even a pretty close guy friend, and I have zero attraction to him and no romantic feelings. Plus to Lobe's point above, my husband knows all about him. We are in the friend zone and honestly, neither of us wants to screw up our friendship. Its easy to go have an affair. A real friend, that is harder to find. Plus - he wouldn't take advantage of me when I was in such a weakened emotional state last winter. A friend looks out for you - not uses you.

 

EXACTLY my point. The time and space must be made for the affair to develop. It's not some organic creature with a life of its own. Fate and soulmates and all that cheesy romantic crap people use to delude themselves and justify making bad life choices... Grrrrrrr...

 

What's that saying? If you wouldn't say or do something in front of your wife, you probably shouldn't be doing it? Something like that. My husband knows all my guy friends and doesn't mind me going out with them because he knows that he is welcome to come any time. His "friendship" with the xOW was kept a secret from me. He created the time and space for an inappropriate relationship to develop. He actually said that he thinks we probably would have gotten along really well had he made the decision to introduce us instead of keep her a secret from me. I have see SO many OW say they hate being the dirty little secret. Did I mention that whoever invented affairs deserves a high five in the face with a handful of rocks?

 

BTW, I love Ted Talks. I saw the ones on infidelity. "Why do we cheat" They are awesome.

 

Esther Perel is freakin' adorable in that tedtalk!!!

[Chica80]

LOST haven't heard from you in a couple of days. How are you?

[ZBA]

Having a low day today. Tried keeping busy, but it's not helping so far. Thought I'd bump this thread and see how my friends here are doing today. Hope everyone's well and miss hearing your updates.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Having a low day today. Tried keeping busy, but it's not helping so far. Thought I'd bump this thread and see how my friends here are doing today. Hope everyone's well and miss hearing your updates.

 

I had a low day yesterday. I was okay after almost a week of NC but I had to contact him as we had our meeting today and I felt like I wanted to say a few things. I knew that he thought I was mad or something as I had not responded to his last email and text over a week ago and then did not speak to him last week. I wanted him to know that I had decided to just let go and move on, it'd been a year of my life and I didn't like the person I had turned into - this pathetic creature, waiting for a text or email from him. I've acted pretty crazy so this was my attempt to pull back and try to appear like I was back in control. Of course it's an act but I really do want to move on and I hate that it's all turned around on me and I chase him.

 

So he wrote a chipper email back about totally understanding about my needing to move on and let go, he couldn't believe it had been a year (in the same tone one would say they couldn't believe it had been a year since some happy event occurred). He then wrote a bunch about his upcoming vacation, work and random crap, all cheery. I think he thought I meant I was letting go and ready to be friends, but I meant letting go - like that Adel song, which I love (Send my love to your next lover).

 

The old me would have written back saying aren't you upset I'm letting go or sharing a bunch about my life under the guise of friends. But this is the new me. I did not respond. I saw him today and I was pleasant but no conversation at all. I avoided being near him at the end so finally he just left.

 

I'm not a victim. I take responsibility. But I feel so stupid that I allowed him to manipulate, use, lie and then discard me for the sole purpose of getting his wife to give him attention and put him ahead of their daughter. This is not my intuition - he actually told me before we got involved that he had said to his wife that he wanted to be first and she said, you will never be first. I guess he showed her. I even said to him, you used me just to get to her and he didn't deny it. He just said a bunch of I'm sorry and please don't hate me.

 

I'm back to NC, this time for good. I have left him with the belief that I am fabulous, happy and over it all. I was a good actress today. I have a speaking role so I was laughing and joking, I saw him constantly watching. I used to think he watched me because he loved me. Now I know I just amuse him - like some fun toy he likes to pick up and play with for a while.

 

I'm going to stay this role, even if it kills me and hopefully eventually it will be for real.

 

That is my update. MB

[Chica80]

Still in LC...its ok as long as I don't have to see him. When I see him that's when its hardest. Most days it's just catching up. Day to day stuff. That doesn't bother me.

 

The hard part is when the thoughts start racing. The anger, the sadness, the questioning "why not me" you know? It's the fact that I'm this secret. Compartmentalized to this very small part of his life.

 

Moved to a new place. So that's been occupying a lot of time. Met some new neighbors. Everyone seems nice and cool. Trying to make a habit of making plans and doing things when kiddos not around. And trying to stay focused on just kiddos when they are around.

 

Signed papers to file for divorce.

 

How about everyone else?

Rumble Out Lost ?

 

ZBA sorry you are having a hard time.

 

MidnightI would feel so angry if I read that email. What do you have to feel so happy about you complete @** is what I would want to say. Proud of you though.

[Outofmysystem]

Thought I'd check in too since this is my favorite thread, and Chika did a shout out

 

Speaking of, Chika, I wish you the best in your decision on the divorce...may the Angels watch over you and yours. I know its tough.

 

My xMOW juts did the same and is moving out on the 1st.

 

Anyway, I wanted to post something different for a moment....after reading some other threads, the deception, the lying, all the heart ache (mostly created by the OM, married or not)....I thought I'd give a little more in site as to where I was almost 10 months ago, and where my user name, Avatar and stuff came from....just to switch gears for a second.

 

Burnt, who is one of my favorite posters said she always liked my Avatar, I do to, but honestly...when I first was struggling to just sign up for this site and start posting (which is very hard probably for most, like myself) I wanted something that conveyed my deep sadness and loneliness.....so I did what we all do now, Google searched! "sad pictures", LOL.....hey, It works what can I tell you....the "quote" in my signature is from Alice in wonderland, one of my favorites, and again, conveys the "fantasy" that we all get caught up in while we are in the bubble. And with all due respect, to myself as well, I'm not saying that the emotions and feelings and actions that we all have with our partners isn't real, it most certainly is....just that the "bubble" does exist whether we choose it or not.

 

And lastly, (thanks for indulging me), the User name, me....came from an unreleased song by Richard Marx called, obviously, "Out of my System"....

 

 

If you care to listen ( I know he may not be everyone's cup of tea ), the lyrics are dead on still to this moment. I've never experienced something like this before and it has had a profound effect (My A). I've referred to myself with friends and on this board as "Broken"....and I think that exactly what has happened, however, through prayer, exercise and living life outside of the "fog", I have picked up the pieces and started to put them back together again....and I thank each one of you for the encouragement, thoughts and likes....this board can be very rough sometimes, as it probably should be, but it also can be comforting to the "Broken"......

 

That's all I'm looking to do......so Blue, ZBA, Rumble, Burnt, Lobe, and Ronnie....take care of yourselves, I'll keep you in my thoughts and we can gather the pieces together....

Edited July 27, 2016 by Outofmysystem

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thought I'd check in too since this is my favorite thread, and Chika did a shout out

 

Speaking of, Chika, I wish you the best in your decision on the divorce...may the Angels watch over you and yours. I know its tough.

 

My xMOW juts did the same and is moving out on the 1st.

 

Anyway, I wanted to post something different for a moment....after reading some other threads, the deception, the lying, all the heart ache (mostly created by the OM, married or not)....I thought I'd give a little more in site as to where I was almost 10 months ago, and where my user name, Avatar and stuff came from....just to switch gears for a second.

 

Burnt, who is one of my favorite posters said she always liked my Avatar, I do to, but honestly...when I first was struggling to just sign up for this site and start posting (which is very hard probably for most, like myself) I wanted something that conveyed my deep sadness and loneliness.....so I did what we all do now, Google searched! "sad pictures", LOL.....hey, It works what can I tell you....the "quote" in my signature is from Alice in wonderland, one of my favorites, and again, conveys the "fantasy" that we all get caught up in while we are in the bubble. And with all due respect, to myself as well, I'm not saying that the emotions and feelings and actions that we all have with our partners isn't real, it most certainly is....just that the "bubble" does exist whether we choose it or not.

 

And lastly, (thanks for indulging me), the User name, me....came from an unreleased song by Richard Marx called, obviously, "Out of my System"....

 

 

If you care to listen ( I know he may not be everyone's cup of tea ), the lyrics are dead on still to this moment. I've never experienced something like this before and it has had a profound effect (My A). I've referred to myself with friends and on this board as "Broken"....and I think that exactly what has happened, however, through prayer, exercise and living life outside of the "fog", I have picked up the pieces and started to put them back together again....and I thank each one of you for the encouragement, thoughts and likes....this board can be very rough sometimes, as it probably should be, but it also can be comforting to the "Broken"......

 

That's all I'm looking to do......so Blue, ZBA, Rumble, Burnt, Lobe, and Ronnie....take care of yourselves, I'll keep you in my thoughts and we can gather the pieces together....

 

Ok. Now that I am listening to Richard Marx on You Tube, whom I have not heard in what a decade? That was some serious depressing song. Luckily Richard Marx has about 25 more depressing songs on this list.

 

I can't remember if you are single or married Out. I guess it is irrelevant since it's over.

 

My username is because I was always up at midnight and depressed (blue) over all this. It should have been midnight_wine.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Still in LC...its ok as long as I don't have to see him. When I see him that's when its hardest. Most days it's just catching up. Day to day stuff. That doesn't bother me.

 

The hard part is when the thoughts start racing. The anger, the sadness, the questioning "why not me" you know? It's the fact that I'm this secret. Compartmentalized to this very small part of his life.

 

Moved to a new place. So that's been occupying a lot of time. Met some new neighbors. Everyone seems nice and cool. Trying to make a habit of making plans and doing things when kiddos not around. And trying to stay focused on just kiddos when they are around.

 

Signed papers to file for divorce.

 

How about everyone else?

Rumble Out Lost ?

 

ZBA sorry you are having a hard time.

 

MidnightI would feel so angry if I read that email. What do you have to feel so happy about you complete @** is what I would want to say. Proud of you though.

 

Yes - the "why not me". Of course, I am very familiar with that feeling.

 

I spent the last 7 months beating a dead horse basically. I used to say stuff like that as his responses were typically inappropriate to what I wrote. Lets just say that he is the complete opposite to a guy like Out who would post a link to a depressing song by Richard Marx. I don't think xMM has many feelings at all. Or at least not for me.

 

My H said to me that I re-writing history and giving xMM way too much intellectual credit to have purposely targeted me and did all this to win his wife back. He reminded me how in December xMM wanted to continue the A indefinitely it was only because I got too attached and wanted him to leave and then my H called him up and made him tell his wife that it stopped. H said, basically this caveman just wanted cake on the side. You are again creating a person who does not exist.

 

I guess it does not really matter. Just trying to move on.

[Chica80]

out This is my favorite thread too

[Chica80]

I read a really interesting post the other day. Just wondering what you all think.

But how do I copy an old post onto this thread?

[Chica80]

Out....also thank you for the kind words. It's just the beginning of a battle I feel.....

[MidnightBlue1980]

I read a really interesting post the other day. Just wondering what you all think.

But how do I copy an old post onto this thread?

 

You can just copy and paste onto this thread like copy and paste in Word, I'd assume.

[Chica80]

Okay here is a post I read it was two years ago written by QuietStorm I found really interesting. Wondering what you guys think?

 

Don't know if I'm supposed to start a new thread, but this seems to be where I've been posting?

 

Quiet Storm's Avatar

 

Join Date: Jan 2010

Location: Charm City

Posts: 3,921

It's comfortable. People find comfort in familiarity.

 

A long term relationship has it's own dynamic that no one outside of the couple will ever understand. Even the couple's kids, marriage counselors, closest friends, etc. won't get it. It's a dance choreographed by the infusion of two individual personalities and their history together- their flaws, strengths, weaknesses, issues, love, hope, disappointments, experiences, etc.

 

This is why an AP should never see a dysfunctional or bad marriage as a sign that the "marriage is done". Many marriages that seem to be unhappy satisfy the needs of the couple, regardless. Many people also choose to stay married, in spite of being unhappy. So while a MM's unhappy marriage may mean that OW becomes MM's outlet for romance and affection (and that MM even genuinely loves OW romantically), it does not mean he will ever get divorced. This is the mistake many OW make- feeling confident in his feelings for her and expecting the existence of those feelings to prompt action. It rarely happens.

 

The affair is not usually the catalyst for change in the sense that it will make the WS decide to leave. Instead, an affair is often used to supplement the marriage- to meet unmet needs, to provide affection instead of arguments, to passive aggressively "get back" at the spouse, to escape. It is actually used by the WS as a tool to stay married in many cases. It can make an unhappy seem marriage bearable to many people.

 

Even though many WS constantly complain about their spouses, many do not wish to divorce and rarely even give it consideration. In their minds, they are married for life and this is nonnegotiable. The state of the marriage, the happiness factor, frequency of sex.... the marriage problems are viewed by WS as reason to have an affair, but not divorce.

 

Long marriage relationships include a very strong sense of family. And that sense of family and feelings of loyalty are very powerful. For example, if we had personality conflicts with our adult children, many of us would accept that the relationship with our child needs improvement, but we would not consider ending the relationship. Many of us also tolerate difficult relationships with a parent, eventually accepting their limitations, but not totally cutting them out of our lives. These same feelings of family loyalty often arise in unhappy marriages- they are not perfect, but they are mine- comes into play. Many people love their family unit- even when the kids are grown. It's their legacy. They do not want to give it up, so they accept it's shortcomings and work around it to get their needs met (have affairs)./I]

[MidnightBlue1980]

Okay here is a post I read it was two years ago written by QuietStorm I found really interesting. Wondering what you guys think?

 

Don't know if I'm supposed to start a new thread, but this seems to be where I've been posting?

 

Quiet Storm's Avatar

 

Join Date: Jan 2010

Location: Charm City

Posts: 3,921

It's comfortable. People find comfort in familiarity.

 

A long term relationship has it's own dynamic that no one outside of the couple will ever understand. Even the couple's kids, marriage counselors, closest friends, etc. won't get it. It's a dance choreographed by the infusion of two individual personalities and their history together- their flaws, strengths, weaknesses, issues, love, hope, disappointments, experiences, etc.

 

This is why an AP should never see a dysfunctional or bad marriage as a sign that the "marriage is done". Many marriages that seem to be unhappy satisfy the needs of the couple, regardless. Many people also choose to stay married, in spite of being unhappy. So while a MM's unhappy marriage may mean that OW becomes MM's outlet for romance and affection (and that MM even genuinely loves OW romantically), it does not mean he will ever get divorced. This is the mistake many OW make- feeling confident in his feelings for her and expecting the existence of those feelings to prompt action. It rarely happens.

 

The affair is not usually the catalyst for change in the sense that it will make the WS decide to leave. Instead, an affair is often used to supplement the marriage- to meet unmet needs, to provide affection instead of arguments, to passive aggressively "get back" at the spouse, to escape. It is actually used by the WS as a tool to stay married in many cases. It can make an unhappy seem marriage bearable to many people.

 

Even though many WS constantly complain about their spouses, many do not wish to divorce and rarely even give it consideration. In their minds, they are married for life and this is nonnegotiable. The state of the marriage, the happiness factor, frequency of sex.... the marriage problems are viewed by WS as reason to have an affair, but not divorce.

 

Long marriage relationships include a very strong sense of family. And that sense of family and feelings of loyalty are very powerful. For example, if we had personality conflicts with our adult children, many of us would accept that the relationship with our child needs improvement, but we would not consider ending the relationship. Many of us also tolerate difficult relationships with a parent, eventually accepting their limitations, but not totally cutting them out of our lives. These same feelings of family loyalty often arise in unhappy marriages- they are not perfect, but they are mine- comes into play. Many people love their family unit- even when the kids are grown. It's their legacy. They do not want to give it up, so they accept it's shortcomings and work around it to get their needs met (have affairs)./I]

 

Yes. This 100% describes my xMM. He never said he was going to get a divorce. He was clear he was unhappy, married the wrong woman and all all the stuff they say, but he was then and is now, steadfast that he and I stay married to our spouses as its family, we each took vows, we each have kids and so on. He was very direct in that he had been looking for an OW for 5 years now. I recall the first time after we had sex, the next day he said how excited he was about this new phase for us and he was just so happy about our future - a future as a couple on the side of course.

 

The family and vows was big for him. I thought that was funny. Vows. I said, you took a lot of vows, I guess the one about not taking off your pants didn't count? He had no answer for that, said you have a point. He was very angry at me for telling my H all about him, said I "needed to learn to keep my mouth shut at home about him".

 

He had it all planned out. We see each other weekly at our mutual business place, maybe a kiss (or a blowjob in the parking lot??), text and email daily, he was good at "checking in" daily to say he loved me, and once a month or so we would invent some legitimate reason to see each other on a weeknight and we go out on a date. We did this for 5 months and he was really legitimately very, very happy in this relationship. I completed his life and he would have gone on for decades like that. I was a mess, a wreck. He was angry I had screwed it all up for him.

 

I'm not like that at all. This is my second marriage and I'd get divorced if I was unhappy or in a sexless marriage. There are no awards for sticking it out in a miserable marriage. And how is that fair to the other spouse? It's not.