"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Outofmysystem]

Yea, but the lows after we leave are worse. He loves the highs but I feel the lows more because I'm a female. I know he cares for me, I think part of him is still in love with me. It's just not enough anymore but the need for eachother is so intense. It's really like a drug.

 

 

Your right, and that's why we find ourselves here.....

[Chica80]

I haven't been on for about a week. I've had family in town. Anyway he has been texting me everyday begging me to meet him. I've said no and kept my distance but it's wearing on me and making me miss him. I know I shouldn't and I told him we are drugs for eachother and need to stop. He's getting married in two months and that's who he chose. He said he can't stop thinking about me and hates this and that he needs to see me and touch me. I told him I'm like a drug and he's withdrawing and so am I but this is the only way. I can't be there when he gets married. I never wanted to be a mistress and yet that's what I became. He said neither of is planned this but now we are so far in that he can't imagine not being with eachother.

 

I believe he had feelings for me, I know he does but he has a fiance who will do anything for him. What the hell does he need me for.

It's selfish and I know it, we give eachother this sick thing.

 

Anyway I'm posting here because I want to be strong. I can't go back. I told him that, it's too hard and it hurts too much but I still love him.

 

I didn't tell him that part though.

 

Ugh anyway that's my update. I love this thread and I care for everyone you. I get it and understand it all.

 

It's hard to let go...especially being you guys were together before he met her, is that right?

Have you ever asked him to choose you?

[Chica80]

ya the hey how are you's.....ugh kill me now...

 

So far its been about a month of LC. Still see eachother a couple times a week,(work), text most days. The hardest part is actually seeing him.

 

That's always how we go right....push/pull back to square one.

[Ronnie33]

It's hard to let go...especially being you guys were together before he met her, is that right?

Have you ever asked him to choose you?

 

No, we were friends when he met her. I was the first person when he went on his first date with her. He was in love with me all during the first year of their realationship. I was married and my son was little and I was scared to leave. She was going to leave him because she felt like after a year he wasn't commiting fully. He asked me to be with him, I couldn't at that moment and he went back to her and decided to commit. We continued, I eventually left my husband a year later but he was already living with her and invested. I knew he wouldn't leave. He does love her, in the beginning no, but now he does.

[Ronnie33]

ya the hey how are you's.....ugh kill me now...

 

So far its been about a month of LC. Still see eachother a couple times a week,(work), text most days. The hardest part is actually seeing him.

 

That's always how we go right....push/pull back to square one.

 

Seeing him will pull you right back in. That's why I keep saying no and he keeps asking me to. He knows when we see eachother there's no control. Ugh

[Chica80]

Seeing him will pull you right back in. That's why I keep saying no and he keeps asking me to. He knows when we see eachother there's no control. Ugh

 

Ronnie but you are not married now. And he is NOT married yet. Their whole relationship you have been there. I really believe she deserves to know. Like MM wife. I know easy for me to say when I didn't tell her or say anything.

 

Are you afraid if you ask him to choose you he will say no?

 

Yes I know...about not letting go.

Edited July 29, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue, no, there was no D-Day on either end.....that said, xMOW has divorced her xH as of 2 weeks ago, is about to move out and into her own house.....my M has gone on like nothing has happened, in fact a change in job (and hours) and not putting my "extra" time in my x has helped us......now, the issues that I had with my W are still there but not as pronounced as before, so I've worked on myself and my thoughts and have tried to be better......but I still have some sort of feelings for my X, the chemistry was a match....I know, cliche, but true none the less.....

 

And I liked your, "men" comment.....that thought of wtf goes both ways, lol....

 

Out, it must be difficult to be in your marriage after such a long A.

 

Yes it goes both way, I have male friends and I hear their tales of whoa.

 

I am having a lot of difficulty. Its a year since this started. It did end in December but it's gone on in my head, so it's like it never really ended. Every so often he will tell me he still loves me, but not since we had a blow up in June over his lying about counseling and sex. I caved last night and asked him if he still loved me but he wouldn't say it, said he was trying to be good, he cared about me and just wanted me to be okay.

 

Cringe. Like I am a mental patient. Is there a worse feeling that knowing the other person feels sorry for you? I would have rather he said no, I don't love you anymore.

 

I hate myself today.

[Adoraxx]

Out, it must be difficult to be in your marriage after such a long A.

 

Yes it goes both way, I have male friends and I hear their tales of whoa.

 

I am having a lot of difficulty. Its a year since this started. It did end in December but it's gone on in my head, so it's like it never really ended. Every so often he will tell me he still loves me, but not since we had a blow up in June over his lying about counseling and sex. I caved last night and asked him if he still loved me but he wouldn't say it, said he was trying to be good, he cared about me and just wanted me to be okay.

 

Cringe. Like I am a mental patient. Is there a worse feeling that knowing the other person feels sorry for you? I would have rather he said no, I don't love you anymore.

 

I hate myself today.

 

Don't hate yourself, Midnight... You didn't do anything wrong. My xMM has done the same as your xMM over the past months... He sent me a few 'ILY's' here and there (couldn't even write it in full) and then he suddenly stopped emailing which made me go to him the other day (very embarrassing) to ask him 'why he won't tell me directly that he doesn't want contact anymore'. I got no real reply of course, just a 'I find it difficult' (that's his excuse for everything).

 

And then (even more embarrassing), I said: "I still love you, you know." And he didn't even say it back. During the whole convo he didn't really say anything enlightening, and I don't think he even felt sorry for me so I think your xMM doesn't feel sorry for you either, because all they feel sorry for, is themselves unfortunately...

 

But I'm sure they both feel very arrogant and smug about it all. And as you can see, you're not the only one who's cringing , me too!!

 

You said: "It did end in December but it's gone on in my head, so it's like it never really ended" That's sooo true! I hope the day comes soon where it will stop going on in our heads too.

 

xx

Adoraxx

[MidnightBlue1980]

Don't hate yourself, Midnight... You didn't do anything wrong. My xMM has done the same as your xMM over the past months... He sent me a few 'ILY's' here and there (couldn't even write it in full) and then he suddenly stopped emailing which made me go to him the other day (very embarrassing) to ask him 'why he won't tell me directly that he doesn't want contact anymore'. I got no real reply of course, just a 'I find it difficult' (that's his excuse for everything).

 

And then (even more embarrassing), I said: "I still love you, you know." And he didn't even say it back. During the whole convo he didn't really say anything enlightening, and I don't think he even felt sorry for me so I think your xMM doesn't feel sorry for you either, because all they feel sorry for, is themselves unfortunately...

 

But I'm sure they both feel very arrogant and smug about it all. And as you can see, you're not the only one who's cringing , me too!!

 

You said: "It did end in December but it's gone on in my head, so it's like it never really ended" That's sooo true! I hope the day comes soon where it will stop going on in our heads too.

 

xx

Adoraxx

 

Thank you Adoraxx for taking the time to respond. Yes, I also said I still love you. Reading your post, it's like we are talking about the same person. He also has nothing to add and my emotions obviously make him uncomfortable. I've said the same thing as you, do you want to stop contact and he hates NC, or so he says. He talks in circles, when he talks. Usually its just silence, looking at his shoes and mumbling, I'm sorry. I typically don't get much of anything out of him.

[Chica80]

Thank you Adoraxx for taking the time to respond. Yes, I also said I still love you. Reading your post, it's like we are talking about the same person. He also has nothing to add and my emotions obviously make him uncomfortable. I've said the same thing as you, do you want to stop contact and he hates NC, or so he says. He talks in circles, when he talks. Usually its just silence, looking at his shoes and mumbling, I'm sorry. I typically don't get much of anything out of him.

 

Midnight you are fun for him, he wants his wife and happy family and you on the side.. so when you are not being "fun" anymore he doesn't want to deal....

I'm sorry it's so painful

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight you are fun for him, he wants his wife and happy family and you on the side.. so when you are not being "fun" anymore he doesn't want to deal....

I'm sorry it's so painful

 

You are right. When I am serious and heavy, he does not respond. If I am all lightness, he's all happy. Ironically I actually am a funny, rarely serious person. He just makes me upset all the time.

Well everyday is a new start. I don't smoke but I guess its like quitting smoking.

[Chica80]

You are right. When I am serious and heavy, he does not respond. If I am all lightness, he's all happy. Ironically I actually am a funny, rarely serious person. He just makes me upset all the time.

Well everyday is a new start. I don't smoke but I guess its like quitting smoking.

 

That's funny you say that about he doesn't respond. When I'm angry upset he responds...almost like I reinforce to him what an awful person he is. He will sit there say he's sorry say he feels awful . He's not happy who he is..

[MidnightBlue1980]

That's funny you say that about he doesn't respond. When I'm angry upset he responds...almost like I reinforce to him what an awful person he is. He will sit there say he's sorry say he feels awful . He's not happy who he is..

 

I have an update. He wrote back, a big email about random stuff, at the end he said he can only be my friend, nothing more. I guess that was his response to my question. He is going away next week and said I can text him and he will check in with me as much as he can.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about that, I was annoyed as I did not ask him for anything, I guess he thought I was all hot for him. I basically told him I was married and nothing would ever happen again between us. I admit I was happy to say that. He did not expect it probably.

 

I will certainly not be texting him on his family vacation. I don't want to be his friend. I'm not sure what game he is playing.

 

I will try to move on......again. Its been a year of this...I have to be done with all this.

[Ronnie33]

I have an update. He wrote back, a big email about random stuff, at the end he said he can only be my friend, nothing more. I guess that was his response to my question. He is going away next week and said I can text him and he will check in with me as much as he can.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about that, I was annoyed as I did not ask him for anything, I guess he thought I was all hot for him. I basically told him I was married and nothing would ever happen again between us. I admit I was happy to say that. He did not expect it probably.

 

I will certainly not be texting him on his family vacation. I don't want to be his friend. I'm not sure what game he is playing.

 

I will try to move on......again. Its been a year of this...I have to be done with all this.

 

He's such an asshat. Friends? Like he's so special. . Tell him to F off

[Ronnie33]

I have an update. I saw him today. I know, it was stupid. It has been almost three weeks. Within seconds he grabbed me and was kissing me. That's all that happened. So now I am back to square one. Like you said Midnight. Tomorrow is a new day.

[Poppy47]

Ladies,

xMM always used to say "FUN LIGHT AND SEXY". Yes that's what he wanted.

 

That's what you are expected to be. He will regard anything else as a pain in the neck.

 

Poppy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have an update. I saw him today. I know, it was stupid. It has been almost three weeks. Within seconds he grabbed me and was kissing me. That's all that happened. So now I am back to square one. Like you said Midnight. Tomorrow is a new day.

 

Ronnie.......tomorrow is a new day. How are you feeling?

[Chica80]

I have an update. I saw him today. I know, it was stupid. It has been almost three weeks. Within seconds he grabbed me and was kissing me. That's all that happened. So now I am back to square one. Like you said Midnight. Tomorrow is a new day.

 

Ronnie he's kissing you then going hm and kissing his fiance soon to be wife?

[whatever29]

Sunshine,

You cannot live with conflict forever. It will suck the life out of you.

 

He is taking away your future hopes and dreams and offering you nothing.

 

You know, he isn't anything real in your life at all. Wait until you really need him for something important in your life. I can promise you he will be busy doing something with his wife. He won't be with you.

 

Poppy.

 

Mine said to me at the end...if you ever need anything I will TRY to help you.

 

Try? Yea whatever...no thanks.

[imperfectangel]

I got up to page 28 and decided to time for me to post. I recognise one of the names here, others are new. I haven't posted much these past few weeks. For those that don't know my a is long distance. I will never bump Into him and for that I am grateful.

 

Well for the update (I didn't want to make a new thread as they seem to get merged with the old ones now) our affair has gone from black and white to bright technicolor. I was so ready to end it. Usually when I feel like that I write him essay emails that I don't think he even reads properly. We had arranged to meet he cancelled and I went dark. I ignored all contact until Monday. He drove 3 hours (round trip), turned up in my neighbourhood without even knowing if I would see him. Apparently it was only to chat although with so many stories that I read on here we didn't and it quickly turned physical. He told me he doesn't know what he wants but that he will always be married (wtf!)

 

A few texts/emails since but it is usual for him to pull away after we see each other so I'm not surprised by the lack of contact. I also feel that I need space. Other than being with him in a authentic way which will not happen, I don't know what I want. I feel I'm at a crossroads of either accepting things as they are and being eternally in a affair or going dark on him forever

 

Obviously I know what my answer should be

[Grey Cloud]

I got up to page 28 and decided to time for me to post. I recognise one of the names here, others are new. I haven't posted much these past few weeks. For those that don't know my a is long distance. I will never bump Into him and for that I am grateful.

 

Well for the update (I didn't want to make a new thread as they seem to get merged with the old ones now) our affair has gone from black and white to bright technicolor. I was so ready to end it. Usually when I feel like that I write him essay emails that I don't think he even reads properly. We had arranged to meet he cancelled and I went dark. I ignored all contact until Monday. He drove 3 hours (round trip), turned up in my neighbourhood without even knowing if I would see him. Apparently it was only to chat although with so many stories that I read on here we didn't and it quickly turned physical. He told me he doesn't know what he wants but that he will always be married (wtf!)

 

A few texts/emails since but it is usual for him to pull away after we see each other so I'm not surprised by the lack of contact. I also feel that I need space. Other than being with him in a authentic way which will not happen, I don't know what I want. I feel I'm at a crossroads of either accepting things as they are and being eternally in a affair or going dark on him forever

 

Obviously I know what my answer should be

 

Angel - it sounds like you know what to do but are struggling to do it. I think HE has the perfect arrangement. Cancel when he wants, saunter in when he wants, gets sex on the side then disappears again.

 

He said he isn't going to leave his wife so do you want to keep going through this same routine again? What do you get out of it? I am sure there are a lot more disadvantages than advantages. It doesn't sound like a very good arrangement for you!

[imperfectangel]

Hey grey, I remember you! My problem is that I am very much in love with him. I am at my happiest when we are together. He puts a massive smile on my face that nothing could wipe off. I pine for him but I am past the reaching out for the sake of it phase. Things have changed recently. He isn't as careful. Texting used to be completely off limits yet he does it quite regularly now. And now I feel like a sad case for being happy at being promoted to text.

 

I feel we are meant to be yet at the same time if he doesn't reach out I won't either. He has been the one to contact me. I haven't contacted him myself since we saw each other, only replied.

 

I want to be with him. I don't just love him. I am IN love with him. I know I am dying a slow and painful death. If I could find this feeling elsewhere I would but I can't.

[Poppy47]

Hey grey, I remember you! My problem is that I am very much in love with him. I am at my happiest when we are together. He puts a massive smile on my face that nothing could wipe off. I pine for him but I am past the reaching out for the sake of it phase. Things have changed recently. He isn't as careful. Texting used to be completely off limits yet he does it quite regularly now. And now I feel like a sad case for being happy at being promoted to text.

 

I feel we are meant to be yet at the same time if he doesn't reach out I won't either. He has been the one to contact me. I haven't contacted him myself since we saw each other, only replied.

 

I want to be with him. I don't just love him. I am IN love with him. I know I am dying a slow and painful death. If I could find this feeling elsewhere I would but I can't.

 

HI Angel,

While you are having any kind of contact with him, that feel won't subside. I know yours has been a really long term A.

 

Mine was 8 years but I have been 14 weeks absolute NC and the "special feeling" doesn't feel that special anymore.

 

I have reflected over the disrespectful way he treated me and his wife during the time . It was all too easy to sweep it under the rug when he was around.

 

Have you considered counselling? It might help you to leave behind this very unhealthy lifestyle. It will be mentally challenging but you could find the person you were before him and build a new life.

 

Poppy.

[Adoraxx]

I got up to page 28 and decided to time for me to post. I recognise one of the names here, others are new. I haven't posted much these past few weeks. For those that don't know my a is long distance. I will never bump Into him and for that I am grateful.

 

Well for the update (I didn't want to make a new thread as they seem to get merged with the old ones now) our affair has gone from black and white to bright technicolor. I was so ready to end it. Usually when I feel like that I write him essay emails that I don't think he even reads properly. We had arranged to meet he cancelled and I went dark. I ignored all contact until Monday. He drove 3 hours (round trip), turned up in my neighbourhood without even knowing if I would see him. Apparently it was only to chat although with so many stories that I read on here we didn't and it quickly turned physical. He told me he doesn't know what he wants but that he will always be married (wtf!)

 

A few texts/emails since but it is usual for him to pull away after we see each other so I'm not surprised by the lack of contact. I also feel that I need space. Other than being with him in a authentic way which will not happen, I don't know what I want. I feel I'm at a crossroads of either accepting things as they are and being eternally in a affair or going dark on him forever

 

Obviously I know what my answer should be

 

Hi Angel,

Of course I remember you too. I'm surprised to hear that he drove 3 hours to see you, I'm sure my xMM will never do that once I've moved because just a few steps are already too much for him. I hate it though that he showed up at your place unannounced... it's what used to happen here when he still thought he had possibly a chance of getting sex and it made (still does ) me feel on edge all the time. How long ago did the A began? I can't remember exactly.. For me it has been 8.5 years ago.

 

xx

Adoraxx

[imperfectangel]

We've known each other 18 years, never officially gone out affair has been for about 10 years.

 

He knew what street I was on but didn't know which house. Yes I could've left him there but I'm not that sort of person. I told him through text I didn't want to speak to him or see him. He set off anyway.

 

One thing he did say which surprised me was that he didn't think I would want him if he wasn't married. I told him of course I would but it made me wonder if he's been thinking that the whole time.

 

Even though we didn't have sex, it was the more intimate than when we have. We have an amazing connection. I'm aware affair sex is always the best but we are amazing together. Now I sound like everyone else. I woke up disappointed her hasn't contacted me. For some reason even though most of our contact has previously been at night I'm now extremely aware that if I email him at the moment in time he'll probably be in bed with his w.

 

I know that is obvious and has been this whole time. I told him myself I do not want an affair. He told me he wanted me, he doesn't know what he wants but that it's not just sex, later he said he'll always be married.

 

Poppy, I am not ignoring your post but I'm giving it some thought. Thing is truthfully I do not want to stop seeing him, I just don't want him to be married