"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Sabella]

Hi Angel,

I agree with all the points that Poppy brought up to you, I know you are still pondering them all.

 

One of the most difficult things to do during the A, is to really think objectively about the situation. It is very much like an addiction, thats seems to color and cloud all your rational thoughts. For the lot of us that have gone NC for a bit of time, it's given us a bit of clarity, that we simply refused to see when we were smack dab in the middle of things. I know that some don't feel ready to go that route, or even feel it's necessary (I totally respect that decision) But for others, like myself, it was the ONLY way.

 

Your A has gone on a long time and has become such a part of your life. It will be a little more complicated for you in that regard. I'm very glad you started posting here though. I think that will help you a great deal!

[Outofmysystem]

Out, it must be difficult to be in your marriage after such a long A.

 

Yes it goes both way, I have male friends and I hear their tales of whoa.

 

I am having a lot of difficulty. Its a year since this started. It did end in December but it's gone on in my head, so it's like it never really ended. Every so often he will tell me he still loves me, but not since we had a blow up in June over his lying about counseling and sex. I caved last night and asked him if he still loved me but he wouldn't say it, said he was trying to be good, he cared about me and just wanted me to be okay.

 

Cringe. Like I am a mental patient. Is there a worse feeling that knowing the other person feels sorry for you? I would have rather he said no, I don't love you anymore.

 

I hate myself today.

 

 

Blue, there have been and are moments that I think to myself is it worth it.....I just think that's normal Human nature and M in general......but then I try to think of my blessings, and the positives in my life and not hold on to the negative......it's tough sometimes, I miss my X.....she has a lot of great qualities......but like everyone here, even though the affair too has gone on in my head the last 10 months and not in reality, I can't hold on to it like before.....it takes too much energy and "head space". I have good and bad days, but the good is more common now.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue, there have been and are moments that I think to myself is it worth it.....I just think that's normal Human nature and M in general......but then I try to think of my blessings, and the positives in my life and not hold on to the negative......it's tough sometimes, I miss my X.....she has a lot of great qualities......but like everyone here, even though the affair too has gone on in my head the last 10 months and not in reality, I can't hold on to it like before.....it takes too much energy and "head space". I have good and bad days, but the good is more common now.

 

That gives me hope. It's been 7 months now that it's over and only in my head, well sort of, since we have had communication and I loves you off and on, so its now longer than the actual A, which was 5 months. 7 +5 = a year of my life now. I thought today, well, another summer stuck in the mire. I was thinking about the fall, we have some weddings and the holidays, I do not want to still be here, so stuck.

 

I agree about the energy and head space. I am just tired, worn out. I feel like I cannot even talk about him anymore to the people IRL who know. On the flip side, I think I add something to his life. He emailed me Friday that although he could only be my friend and nothing more (humiliating since it was not like I asked to see him or anything) but then he said I could text him on his vacation this week, the service might be tricky, he wanted to caution me so I did not think he was ignoring me, but he would try and check in with me during the week. See, because he is away I will not see him this week.

 

I need to thank you Out for posting because I now know that the stuff he says is not what someone working on their marriage says. You don't say stuff like that to your xOW, right?

 

I want to get out of this hole. It will be nice to not see him and I am certainly not texting him. He must think I am unbelievably pathetic and hopelessly in love with him.

[imperfectangel]

HI Angel,

While you are having any kind of contact with him, that feel won't subside. I know yours has been a really long term A.

 

Mine was 8 years but I have been 14 weeks absolute NC and the "special feeling" doesn't feel that special anymore.

 

I have reflected over the disrespectful way he treated me and his wife during the time . It was all too easy to sweep it under the rug when he was around.

 

Have you considered counselling? It might help you to leave behind this very unhealthy lifestyle. It will be mentally challenging but you could find the person you were before him and build a new life.

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy, deep down I know that you're right but in order for anything to work I have to WANT it. I was ready for it to end until I saw him, maybe that's why he came back so full on who knows. I have never ignored him before but last week when he was trying to arrange something I just didn't respond - I didn't want to and I actually found it suprisingly easy.

 

I think I'm not just in affair fog I think I'm completely snowed in

[Outofmysystem]

I need to thank you Out for posting because I now know that the stuff he says is not what someone working on their marriage says. You don't say stuff like that to your xOW, right?

 

Blue, I don't know.....I wouldn't think so, though one might just say anything so not to lose you all together......I can't tell you if my X would say some of the sweet, affectionate things she used to say that I wouldn't tell her what I'm really feeling also, but she hasn't......she's just been cold (although thawed a bit lately) and hasn't contacted me at all, I've been the one that initiates stuff......so the roles have been reversed on me. And the answer is no, I haven't told her I love you since we first broke up.....we have hardly talked since Oct of last year.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue, I don't know.....I wouldn't think so, though one might just say anything so not to lose you all together......I can't tell you if my X would say some of the sweet, affectionate things she used to say that I wouldn't tell her what I'm really feeling also, but she hasn't......she's just been cold (although thawed a bit lately) and hasn't contacted me at all, I've been the one that initiates stuff......so the roles have been reversed on me. And the answer is no, I haven't told her I love you since we first broke up.....we have hardly talked since Oct of last year.

 

Do you still love her?

[Chica80]

So we saw eachother yesterday....What was supposed to be a 10-15 min visit turned into more.

 

And it's not him. We talked, again how we can't go on. I will eventually find someone else to be there for me fully in a way he can not. He doesn't want me sitting around waiting for him. Hiding. He can't be with me how I deserve I deserve more...His family will never accept me. It just won't work. Because I will forever be connected to someone else because of my kids( he said yes I understand that's a double standard)

 

When I'm logical, yes it makes sense it's painful the hiding waiting around....but I don't want to move on....Maybe partly he's a crutch while I go through what I'm going through.

 

There is tremendous pain, but there is a lot of happiness. Love and passion how do I let go of something I don't want to let go of?

[ladydesigner]

I got up to page 28 and decided to time for me to post. I recognise one of the names here, others are new. I haven't posted much these past few weeks. For those that don't know my a is long distance. I will never bump Into him and for that I am grateful.

 

Well for the update (I didn't want to make a new thread as they seem to get merged with the old ones now) our affair has gone from black and white to bright technicolor. I was so ready to end it. Usually when I feel like that I write him essay emails that I don't think he even reads properly. We had arranged to meet he cancelled and I went dark. I ignored all contact until Monday. He drove 3 hours (round trip), turned up in my neighbourhood without even knowing if I would see him. Apparently it was only to chat although with so many stories that I read on here we didn't and it quickly turned physical. He told me he doesn't know what he wants but that he will always be married (wtf!)

 

A few texts/emails since but it is usual for him to pull away after we see each other so I'm not surprised by the lack of contact. I also feel that I need space. Other than being with him in a authentic way which will not happen, I don't know what I want. I feel I'm at a crossroads of either accepting things as they are and being eternally in a affair or going dark on him forever

 

Obviously I know what my answer should be

 

Eeeeek (((imperfectangel))) yikes you got pulled back in again Just know you have the power to continue it or end it, the choice is entirely up to you!

 

AND he told you the bolded?!?! At least he is being up front. Imperfectangel I know you say you want MM you just don't want him to be married, but he said what he said above. What now?

[imperfectangel]

I am lucky with mm he has never future faked - maybe a few times but over nearly 18 years I don't think it's that bad. He also told me he didn't think I'd want him if he wasn't married which isn't true (obvs) and I told him so.

 

I am going to see how the next few weeks go. We've had a lot of contact since and usually he pulls away after we've seen each other. I am going to be 100% honest with him. No more game playing or saying what I think I should.

 

I feel more in control. I know that if I want it to end I can manage it I don't feel scared of losing him even though he's what I want which is extremely strange feeling. I've always tried to say what I think he wanted to hear because I was too scared of losing him

[ladydesigner]

I am lucky with mm he has never future faked - maybe a few times but over nearly 18 years I don't think it's that bad. He also told me he didn't think I'd want him if he wasn't married which isn't true (obvs) and I told him so.

 

I am going to see how the next few weeks go. We've had a lot of contact since and usually he pulls away after we've seen each other. I am going to be 100% honest with him. No more game playing or saying what I think I should.

 

I feel more in control. I know that if I want it to end I can manage it I don't feel scared of losing him even though he's what I want which is extremely strange feeling. I've always tried to say what I think he wanted to hear because I was too scared of losing him

 

Thats good it's true it is much easy to end it when you have already been through an ending before at least for me anyways. Was true when I was in my A and also true about ending my M.

[imperfectangel]

Thats good it's true it is much easy to end it when you have already been through an ending before at least for me anyways. Was true when I was in my A and also true about ending my M.

 

I'm not gonna be fake here, I want him to leave but that isn't my decision to make. My heart has broke repeatedly over him. If things don't change after we've spent more time together than I will reassess but as of now I want to see how it goes. I know how stupid that sounds but I feel that after all this time I owe it to myself to see how it will end naturally be it through him leaving his w or me making the decision to move on. I'm very aware that there's every chance he will never leave but would keep me on the side for a infinite period of time - I will not allow that

[rainbowsandkittens]

I have an update. He wrote back, a big email about random stuff, at the end he said he can only be my friend, nothing more. I guess that was his response to my question. He is going away next week and said I can text him and he will check in with me as much as he can.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about that, I was annoyed as I did not ask him for anything, I guess he thought I was all hot for him. I basically told him I was married and nothing would ever happen again between us. I admit I was happy to say that. He did not expect it probably.

 

I will certainly not be texting him on his family vacation. I don't want to be his friend. I'm not sure what game he is playing.

 

I will try to move on......again. Its been a year of this...I have to be done with all this.

 

That gives me hope. It's been 7 months now that it's over and only in my head, well sort of, since we have had communication and I loves you off and on, so its now longer than the actual A, which was 5 months. 7 +5 = a year of my life now. I thought today, well, another summer stuck in the mire. I was thinking about the fall, we have some weddings and the holidays, I do not want to still be here, so stuck.

 

I agree about the energy and head space. I am just tired, worn out. I feel like I cannot even talk about him anymore to the people IRL who know. On the flip side, I think I add something to his life. He emailed me Friday that although he could only be my friend and nothing more (humiliating since it was not like I asked to see him or anything) but then he said I could text him on his vacation this week, the service might be tricky, he wanted to caution me so I did not think he was ignoring me, but he would try and check in with me during the week. See, because he is away I will not see him this week.

 

I need to thank you Out for posting because I now know that the stuff he says is not what someone working on their marriage says. You don't say stuff like that to your xOW, right?

 

I want to get out of this hole. It will be nice to not see him and I am certainly not texting him. He must think I am unbelievably pathetic and hopelessly in love with him.

I am going through this same thing. Last time I saw xAP we had a very long talk. He told me not to be in love with him. He can only be my friend. Etc. Etc. It was a very emotional conversation. Mostly for me. I cried a lot. Sigh. Certain parts of it were very good. But he also didn't close the door to finding another AP. Seriously. We ended up making out on the last night he was in town (two days after that conversation.) It was very minor.

 

He's on his family vacation. I've gotten pics and texts. A few days of nothing. Today he commented that he's in a place where he doesn't have any time to himself. Not sure if that means for self pleasuring or contacting me. I'm guessing a little from each. I was going a little crazy with the assumptions about the trip but a few days ago I realized it was pointless. WTF do I care about a place I'll probably never go? Why do I need to see pics from his family vacation? Since then I've felt a bit better about it.

 

I feel the same way about the bolded too. It's exhausting. I read once (in Women, Food and God, I think. Maybe Brene Brown) about if you're in other people's businesss- who's in your business? And I think that's what's been happening with me. I'm so far in his business that I've neglected my own.

 

And seriously- working on his relationship. Can't guarantee he won't meet someone else but not trying to. And wouldn't tell me if he did. He wouldn't want to hurt me. What?

Edited August 1, 2016 by rainbowsandkittens

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am going through this same thing. Last time I saw xAP we had a very long talk. He told me not to be in love with him. He can only be my friend. Etc. Etc. It was a very emotional conversation. Mostly for me. I cried a lot. Sigh. Certain parts of it were very good. But he also didn't close the door to finding another AP. Seriously. We ended up making out on the last night he was in town (two days after that conversation.) It was very minor.

 

He's on his family vacation. I've gotten pics and texts. A few days of nothing. Today he commented that he's in a place where he doesn't have any time to himself. Not sure if that means for self pleasuring or contacting me. I'm guessing a little from each. I was going a little crazy with the assumptions about the trip but a few days ago I realized it was pointless. WTF do I care about a place I'll probably never go? Why do I need to see pics from his family vacation? Since then I've felt a bit better about it.

 

I feel the same way about the bolded too. It's exhausting. I read once (in Women, Food and God, I think. Maybe Brene Brown) about if you're in other people's businesss- who's in your business? And I think that's what's been happening with me. I'm so far in his business that I've neglected my own.

 

And seriously- working on his relationship. Can't guarantee he won't meet someone else but not trying to. And wouldn't tell me if he did. He wouldn't want to hurt me. What?

 

I can't believe he sent you pictures of his family vacation. Are you single?

 

It's interesting that they say, don't be in love with me. If you think about it, have you ever said this to anyone you seriously did not have some interest in? For me, if someone likes me or if I ended a relationship, I really do NC for the other person's benefit. I also am just done. Obviously this was in my old single days. But I would not toy with someone, don't be in love with me, unless I liked the attention.

 

Mini update from me - So the place xMM and I see each other is in a business setting. I am on the board, so to speak. It's been terrible and seeing him has made it extra hard to move on. I see him as I am leading the front and he is in the audience. So he can ignore me but I sit and watch him. I have to be general here but I found out a few hours ago that he will be taking my role. I actually am thrilled as I know he did not want that role back and he had told me he liked being in the audience and how he used to watch me, it's divine justice. What really bothered me was he sent a bunch of pointless emails Friday about his job, vacation, only being a friend to me and other crap but did not mention this big news.

 

It's material news. It's not an appointment to the president of the United States but in our world, its big. So why contact me several times but not mention news that impacts both of us - I basically have to shirt my role to him. Again, I'm happy, its hysterical. But why not mention a big news thing?

 

It made me angry and feel like, I should not even talk to him in the first place. He thinks I should never have had his position in the first place and now its coming back to his rightful owner - a man.

[Outofmysystem]

Do you still love her?

 

Hey Blue, good question, but it really doesn't matter anymore......yes, at least I loved the person she was when we were together.....so much so that I thought it was going to be for good.....I have to laugh at that now because of today and where we are at.....

 

After seeing her the last time on the way to work, I called her and we talked, hadn't talked in months, months!....she was pleasant and told me about her divorce....fast FOWARD to later that day and I was texting her about meeting for lunch, she made it a point to tell me that she is not rekindling anything which I agreed to, but then after her coming up with reasons for not seeing me on any day I suggested, I said, "then I'll just randomly text and you can shoot me down then", well that pissed her off, she said she didn't need that bull****.....

 

Which I think I posted that already....since, I found out from a realtor friend of both of us that she got screwed by her XH in her mediation over the house and the money, part of which is her own fault because she knew better (longer story) anyway, feeling bad (first bad move) I left her a card on her car with some cash in it, I said inside use it for whatever, no strings.....today she texts and tells me that she can't take it and she's sending it back, how she feels better than ever, how she doesn't have to listen to anyone, or put up with anything anymore, that I didn't do anything to her per say, but that she has closed that chapter and quote, "we had a good run", "much luck and many blessings" and to "please lose her number"......

 

So that's what I've got left to show for for 6 years, attention, affection, showered with gifts, yada, yada, yada......

 

Please lose my number.....while at the same time, phone blowing up with texts with all my/our x co-workers (all women) about her new found freedom and how they should celebrate all the while knowing that I'm included in the thread....

 

So.....I know how you feel, I know how everyone feels in this thread.....I'm technically speaking, the OW, and she is the ******* xOM......she has turned into, or always was a first class Bit....

 

Like I said, it doesn't matter anymore.......I'll put back the pieces and count my blessings and move on.......thanks though for asking, and congrats on the position switch back......looks like you'll have the last laugh.

Edited August 2, 2016 by Outofmysystem

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hey Blue, good question, but it really doesn't matter anymore......yes, at least I loved the person she was when we were together.....so much so that I thought it was going to be for good.....I have to laugh at that now because of today and where we are at.....

 

After seeing her the last time on the way to work, I called her and we talked, hadn't talked in months, months!....she was pleasant and told me about her divorce....fast FOWARD to later that day and I was texting her about meeting for lunch, she made it a point to tell me that she is not rekindling anything which I agreed to, but then after her coming up with reasons for not seeing me on any day I suggested, I said, "then I'll just randomly text and you can shoot me down then", well that pissed her off, she said she didn't need that bull****.....

 

Which I think I posted that already....since, I found out from a realtor friend of both of us that she got screwed by her XH in her mediation over the house and the money, part of which is her own fault because she knew better (longer story) anyway, feeling bad (first bad move) I left her a card on her car with some cash in it, I said inside use it for whatever, no strings.....today she texts and tells me that she can't take it and she's sending it back, how she feels better than ever, how she doesn't have to listen to anyone, or put up with anything anymore, that I didn't do anything to her per say, but that she has closed that chapter and quote, "we had a good run", "much luck and many blessings" and to "please lose her number"......

 

So that's what I've got left to show for for 6 years, attention, affection, showered with gifts, yada, yada, yada......

 

Please lose my number.....while at the same time, phone blowing up with texts with all my/our x co-workers (all women) about her new found freedom and how they should celebrate all the while knowing that I'm included in the thread....

 

So.....I know how you feel, I know how everyone feels in this thread.....I'm technically speaking, the OW, and she is the ******* xOM......she has turned into, or always was a first class Bit....

 

Like I said, it doesn't matter anymore.......I'll put back the pieces and cont my blessings and move on.......thanks though for asking, and congrats on the position switch back......looks like you'll have the last laugh.

 

Out, thanks for reading my post about the position. Yes, I know he sat and watched me for 2 years. Then my year at the position was this bad year. I would imagine it will be surreal for him to now see me, since it's over. Or maybe not. Part of me thinks he got want he wanted from me and he's fine. He does not seem anything like you. I have a friend like you so I know the difference.

 

I can't believe you gave your OW money. Wow. I'm a bit stunned. That is nice. A bit generous, but nice. I never got anything. He offered money 2x when I had to buy emergency protection but I declined his after the fact money. Your xOW was a bit harsh. I realize you don't see this or can't see this as you are in so deep but you must know she is acting like this because you are married and she is now getting divorced, right???

 

She said all that because she feels she has the upper hand with you, obviously you are emotionally hooked on her, but at the same time she is pissed as you are married. She would feel, if you he likes/loves me so much, why doesn't he leave his wife and get a divorce and give us a shot?

 

I know enough about men to know that you are different from us. It's a shame. You seem to really be into this woman. That is a long time to be with someone. It must be a huge hole in your life.

 

Why do you stay in your marriage? Do you love your wife?

[imperfectangel]

OutOfMySystem, we havent talked yet but my mm has asked me a few times why I'm mean to him in texts/emails. I have to say it's a subconscious thing I don't plan on being mean but I'm so frustrated with him. He say something so sweet to me that I'm ready to die and then remind me that he's married etc and it really messes up your head - I think I started being mean to make him hate me so that he would disappear and it would be over.

 

Maybe she doesn't mean her words to be so cut throat. Maybe she's realised you won't leave and that for her sake she has to move on? I doubt after 6 years she doesn't care

[rainbowsandkittens]

I can't believe he sent you pictures of his family vacation. Are you single?

 

It's interesting that they say, don't be in love with me. If you think about it, have you ever said this to anyone you seriously did not have some interest in? For me, if someone likes me or if I ended a relationship, I really do NC for the other person's benefit. I also am just done. Obviously this was in my old single days. But I would not toy with someone, don't be in love with me, unless I liked the attention.

 

Yes, I'm single. He's not sending me pics of his kids or family. Just places they've visited and pics of him. I am 100% sure he likes the attention. I am there for attention and adoration and as a sounding board for work stuff. Plus sex stuff. I think the comment about not being in love with him was just total arrogance. It's interesting bc he has described himself as being shy and not good with women growing up. And yet now he seems to have no problem. I wanted to write something not so nice to him today but really what's the point?

 

Midnight- Well if you're not the lead in the group anymore do you still need to go? Are you happy about getting replaced? If he knew he should have told you. That's rotten.

 

Out- You're such an incredible guy. It was so sweet of you to leave money for her. But yeah, stop that. She doesn't deserve or really appreciate it. Personally I don't know how people can just shut off their feelings. I've never been able to. Though I wish I could. It would make this whole thing so much easier to bear. Thinking of you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes, I'm single. He's not sending me pics of his kids or family. Just places they've visited and pics of him. I am 100% sure he likes the attention. I am there for attention and adoration and as a sounding board for work stuff. Plus sex stuff. I think the comment about not being in love with him was just total arrogance. It's interesting bc he has described himself as being shy and not good with women growing up. And yet now he seems to have no problem. I wanted to write something not so nice to him today but really what's the point?

 

Midnight- Well if you're not the lead in the group anymore do you still need to go? Are you happy about getting replaced? If he knew he should have told you. That's rotten.

 

.

 

Rainbows - same here - adoration and a sounding board. I also want to say mean stuff but it only makes us look like we still care.

 

I was wrong. He did email me on his vacation, just like he said he would. He's either trying to keep me on his hook or feel better about himself by a friendship. I don't know. I was surprised though. He asked me to write him back but I didn't. I am aware I look bad/angry but not responding but you know what? He had no problem not responding to my many emails and questions over the last 7 months. Turnaround is fair play.

 

I am thrilled he is replacing me. It was a lot of work and I had to basically sit there and I would watch him having a great time each week. It was torture. Now the roles will be reversed. Sweet. He does know but so far he had not mentioned it.

 

Once I am not playing an important role, I could leave yes. I would lose business and money though. My H does not want me there forever with him but he does not want me to run. He wants me to see how I feel once I am not stuck seeing and dealing with him. We also need the money right now.

[Lobe]

I do not want to stop seeing him, I just don't want him to be married

 

If I had a nickel for every time an AP said that about their married lover I'd buy a round of drinks for all of us LOL

 

I think I'm not just in affair fog I think I'm completely snowed in

 

 

I have an update. I saw him today. I know, it was stupid. It has been almost three weeks. Within seconds he grabbed me and was kissing me. That's all that happened. So now I am back to square one. Like you said Midnight. Tomorrow is a new day.

 

OK, this? This makes me mad. It's rude and presumptuous and manipulative.

 

Midnight, Lost, Chica, Rainbows... may the disillusionment fairy continue visiting you as frequently as possible. I wish for you the strength and resolve you need to take back your own lives. Don't take the bait and if you do, jump off the hook!!! SWIM!!! SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Midnight, Lost, Chica, Rainbows... may the disillusionment fairy continue visiting you as frequently as possible. I wish for you the strength and resolve you need to take back your own lives. Don't take the bait and if you do, jump off the hook!!! SWIM!!! SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!

 

I'm really getting there. I feel like a mental patient or drug addict saying that but it's true. Today was a big step for me, not responding to him, especially since he took the time to write an email on his vacation. He rarely reaches out first, almost never uses his email (its a work one) outside of work and its rare these days to hear from him outside of work, plus he is on a family vacation with neighbors. That is a lot all together. He even asked me to write back. Of course it was 10:30pm. I am sure he was drinking and probably feels dumb now.

 

But I didn't and I'm not going to. Of course I will see him in a week but each time I don't cave, I get a little stronger.

 

I just want my head space back. I'm so tired of all this.

[Ronnie33]

Agreed Midnight, I feel like a complete and utter mental patient too. I saw him again today. I was doing so well and I let him back in my head and now I hate myself again. Who the hell I am anymore. I asked him yesterday why this is so hard for him to end. He's marrying the woman he loves in a month!! He said "our connection is so intense and I can't stay away from it"

 

We argued about this for half an hour. He admitted that he wants to continue after he's married. I don't want to but I'm so scared to go NC because I've done it before and failed, 3 times. I feel like if we don't stay friends then I did all these horrible things for nothing. In my mind our friendship was always the reason this happened and if that's gone, then we end up wth nothing. I sacrificed my morals and self respect for nothing.

 

I really think I'm losing my mind.

[Chica80]

 

Midnight, Lost, Chica, Rainbows... may the disillusionment fairy continue visiting you as frequently as possible. I wish for you the strength and resolve you need to take back your own lives. Don't take the bait and if you do, jump off the hook!!! SWIM!!! SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!

 

LOBE Thank you, the last two days have been rough. Sunday totally sank me back....

 

After he left. I could not cry I felt all my tears had been used up......but today. Today I cried.

[ladydesigner]

Agreed Midnight, I feel like a complete and utter mental patient too. I saw him again today. I was doing so well and I let him back in my head and now I hate myself again. Who the hell I am anymore. I asked him yesterday why this is so hard for him to end. He's marrying the woman he loves in a month!! He said "our connection is so intense and I can't stay away from it"

 

We argued about this for half an hour. He admitted that he wants to continue after he's married. I don't want to but I'm so scared to go NC because I've done it before and failed, 3 times. I feel like if we don't stay friends then I did all these horrible things for nothing. In my mind our friendship was always the reason this happened and if that's gone, then we end up wth nothing. I sacrificed my morals and self respect for nothing.

 

I really think I'm losing my mind.

 

(((Ronnie33))) one day you will have had enough and you will end it. The more I read this thread the more I can clearly see the manipulation on the MM's part and how much they don't care if it hurts the OW as long as they are getting what they want. So what if the connection is so intense if he is not leaving what difference does it make if you have a connection or not?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Agreed Midnight, I feel like a complete and utter mental patient too. I saw him again today. I was doing so well and I let him back in my head and now I hate myself again. Who the hell I am anymore. I asked him yesterday why this is so hard for him to end. He's marrying the woman he loves in a month!! He said "our connection is so intense and I can't stay away from it"

 

We argued about this for half an hour. He admitted that he wants to continue after he's married. I don't want to but I'm so scared to go NC because I've done it before and failed, 3 times. I feel like if we don't stay friends then I did all these horrible things for nothing. In my mind our friendship was always the reason this happened and if that's gone, then we end up wth nothing. I sacrificed my morals and self respect for nothing.

 

I really think I'm losing my mind.

 

Okay. First of all, you are not friends. Do you have male friends? I do and its nothing like this stuff. There's not all this drama, obviously no hooking up and it's easy, I do not sit and think about them. Honestly, it is not. I'm not going to trash this guy because I don't know him and I do get it, I also like some things about xMM, I like talking to him and so on. But you cannot be friends with someone you are emotionally attached to. Its so self destructive. Trust me that there are a million guys out there you can be friends with. This guy is really not that special.

 

Second, it's like anything else you are trying to quit which is bad for you. Do you know I gave up alcohol for a year to see if I could do it? I really love wine too. It was not easy at all. I drank a lot of tea and decaf coffee but I learned a lot about myself. I drink again now but I'm in control. I used to eat mountains of crap - sugar overload. Last year I did that low carb craze. It was so tough. Now I eat a bit here and there but again, I really don't eat pasta or bread. No more Snickers. I also used to shop shop shop. I got a big inheritance and I shopped it away. We used to eat out nightly. I went through hundreds of thousands of dollars. Now, we get a pizza at Wegman and take out sushi. That is our splurge.

 

My point - so you tried NC and failed. So what, tomorrow is a new day. Every day you wake up is a new chance. In fact, surprise him and yourself. Start right now at 7:44pm on a Tuesday. It's willpower like anything else and its a muscle, the more you work it, the stronger it gets. Just pick yourself up and start again.

 

Lastly - this actual mess. What a mess. Are you married, I can't remember. Get away from a guy about to get married. Listen, I met someone just like this. He was divorced and lied to me, I found out later he was engaged to this woman he did not want to marry. He cheated on her constantly. I said to him that he had basically trashed my last hope for humanity. This is the lowest of the low, there is no excuse. Its not a sick wife, a sexless marriage, loneliness, the same old excuses I and we all got into an affair - this is just bad, so bad. Somewhere out there a girl is registering for a shower, paying for a wedding for this guy. You just have got to run. And he wants it to continue after he is married? Ugh. What kind of person is he and why doesn't he just break it off?

 

I get it, you love him. Believe me, I GET it. But I did not respond to his email today. You can take the first step too. You have it backwards, by spending your time here, you end with nothing. By leaving, you end up with something - yourself. Your self respect, your dignity. Your pride.

[Ronnie33]

Thank you Midnight. I am going through a divorce. When we met he wasn't with her, he was in love with me the first year of their relationship. I wasn't ready to leave my husband and he moved on. I think that's a big part of why it's so hard for me. I feel like I missed my opportunity to be with the man I feel like I was meant to be with. I know he moved on, and now he loves her but I think that's why it's hard for both of us to let go. There was that huge attachment before she came in.

 

I agree though. Now it's just tuned into such a horror show. What was once based off of friendship and love has now just turned to addiction.