"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Chica80]

I have to say I confuse them all the time when texting. Cause just typing so fast.... esp when on my phone.

 

 

Imperfect how long has your A been? How long have you been NC? The longest?

[imperfectangel]

I have to say I confuse them all the time when texting. Cause just typing so fast.... esp when on my phone.

 

 

Imperfect how long has your A been? How long have you been NC? The longest?

 

I always lol when people ask how long - known him 18 yes affair for 11 so pretty much my entire life which is why it's so hard to break away. He went nc end of January to mid April that was absolutely devastating for me I emailed him almost every day. It was horrible. The longest I've ever managed is two weeks. I just can't do it. I always have something else to say but I've now accepted that will always be the case. Since he's been away I haven't contacted him except on Monday (I think) to ask when he's back (tomorrow) so I've made it nearly a week and I'm ok even though it's unofficial nc. I may completely crumble when he comes back. I hope not

[MidnightBlue1980]

I always lol when people ask how long - known him 18 yes affair for 11 so pretty much my entire life which is why it's so hard to break away. He went nc end of January to mid April that was absolutely devastating for me I emailed him almost every day. It was horrible. The longest I've ever managed is two weeks. I just can't do it. I always have something else to say but I've now accepted that will always be the case. Since he's been away I haven't contacted him except on Monday (I think) to ask when he's back (tomorrow) so I've made it nearly a week and I'm ok even though it's unofficial nc. I may completely crumble when he comes back. I hope not

 

That is a long time. 18 years. I can't remember, you are married right?

 

I also had xMM go NC with me during that same time period - end of Dec to mid May. I would see him but that's it. It was horrible. In the beginning he would ignore me in person and told me he could not talk to me but it quickly changed to him pursuing a friends thing. I also would email or text but he would typically ignore me. I did go completely without contacting him for 4 weeks but I cracked. He would respond here and there but nothing much. When he came back in May I was so happy (me=loser) but end of June I found out he was lying to me about a bunch of stuff.

 

I used to feel like I always had stuff to say to him but the thing is, I don't feel like we have conversations. It is more like he is humoring me or I am listening to his problems. He never asks me about my life. I have 2 guy friends and they are so nosy, always yammering on and on about their stuff and asking me about stuff. xMM is not like that. He just doesn't really have a lot of interest in me outside of me showing him attention and when we used to hook up.

 

I just spoke with one of my male friends, its not the guy I talk to all the time, but he knows xMM - he's in our event thing - and he said that he thinks I am having some sort of mental breakdown/mid life crisis because there is really nothing so great about xMM. His words were, "He's no great catch". To hear a guy say that, and my other friend and my husband says the same, it does make you think. What is it that hooks a person that the rest of the world does not see?

 

Maybe it is a mid life crisis.

[imperfectangel]

No I'm not married though I have had relationships during this time non have lasted as everyone is compared to mm who of course has God-like qualities (not).

 

My mm too shows little interest in my life though I must admit I don't ask about his as its really too hard as everything from him is "we" did this and when "we" went there ugh it's hard not to throw up right in front of him or directly ask him why are you so insensitive but I realised one time we talked that he really didn't get it. He had no idea what effect this was having on me. I think k he's very emotionally immature though in other ways when we talk it's like talking to someone much older. He's only a few yrs older than me but seems old before his time tbh

 

He asked me last time we met why I'm so mean to him in texts/emails and that completely threw me, I think he's reading everything wrong so if we do speak again I'm going to keep any real conversation for when we see each other. He also told me I wouldn't want him if he weren't married and this could not be further from the truth. Makes me wonder how much Mis communication has gone on over the years

[NewLeaf512]

That is a long time. 18 years. I can't remember, you are married right?

 

I also had xMM go NC with me during that same time period - end of Dec to mid May. I would see him but that's it. It was horrible. In the beginning he would ignore me in person and told me he could not talk to me but it quickly changed to him pursuing a friends thing. I also would email or text but he would typically ignore me. I did go completely without contacting him for 4 weeks but I cracked. He would respond here and there but nothing much. When he came back in May I was so happy (me=loser) but end of June I found out he was lying to me about a bunch of stuff.

 

I used to feel like I always had stuff to say to him but the thing is, I don't feel like we have conversations. It is more like he is humoring me or I am listening to his problems. He never asks me about my life. I have 2 guy friends and they are so nosy, always yammering on and on about their stuff and asking me about stuff. xMM is not like that. He just doesn't really have a lot of interest in me outside of me showing him attention and when we used to hook up.

 

I just spoke with one of my male friends, its not the guy I talk to all the time, but he knows xMM - he's in our event thing - and he said that he thinks I am having some sort of mental breakdown/mid life crisis because there is really nothing so great about xMM. His words were, "He's no great catch". To hear a guy say that, and my other friend and my husband says the same, it does make you think. What is it that hooks a person that the rest of the world does not see?

 

Maybe it is a mid life crisis.

 

As a male friend said to me regarding exMM:

 

He's a less than average, non-descript looking man of subpar intellect leading a nominal existence in a family that is shooting solidly toward mediocrity and missing.

 

Me: NC 1 year 2 months.

[Chica80]

Sorry to say this ladies....MM always ask about me. My life what is going on. When I was in school and freaking out I would call him he encouraged me..I had a paper to write and had him proofread it, because it was a subject he knows alot about.

When I had to move and needed someone to help he came after wrk even though he had already gone home. He wasn't always able to "talk" but there was no off limits on when I could text or not. Weekend evening holidays. He apperently talked to his W about me this project i was working on. He was excited for me and "proud" of me. I only know because she asked me about it. Not that this makes him better and it's still crumbs....but these type of things made it hard to let go. He was there when I needed him the most.

Edited August 12, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[imperfectangel]

Sorry to say this ladies....MM always ask about me. My life what is going on. When I was in school and freaking out I would call him he encouraged me..I had a paper to write and had him proofread it, because it was a subject he knows alot about.

When I had to move and needed someone to help he came after wrk even though he had already gone home. He wasn't always able to "talk" but there was no off limits on when I could text or not. Weekend evening holidays. He apperently talked to his W about me this project i was working on. He was excited for me and "proud" of me. I only know because she asked me about it. Not that this makes him better and it's still crumbs....but these type of things made it hard to let go. He was there when I needed him the most.

 

I was really poorly earlier in the year and he did offer to visit me in hospital but I said no. It's not his place to be doing things like that for me when he has a wife and kids at home

[Chica80]

Imperfect 11 yrs! That is a long time what is the circumstances that started your A? Is he older than you? Has there ever been a dday?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sorry to say this ladies....MM always ask about me. My life what is going on. When I was in school and freaking out I would call him he encouraged me..I had a paper to write and had him proofread it, because it was a subject he knows alot about.

When I had to move and needed someone to help he came after wrk even though he had already gone home. He wasn't always able to "talk" but there was no off limits on when I could text or not. Weekend evening holidays. He apperently talked to his W about me this project i was working on. He was excited for me and "proud" of me. I only know because she asked me about it. Not that this makes him better and it's still crumbs....but these type of things made it hard to let go. He was there when I needed him the most.

 

I can see that. My xMM is the opposite. To put it bluntly, he had unprotected sex with me 3 times and twice I had to go on my own to get that pill, the morning after pill. I did mention it to him and he was like, do you want some money? We are in our 40s. The 3rd time I just prayed since it really didn't happen exactly. Never once did he ask anything, was I ok, was I pregnant, I mean I was as inconsequential as a bug on the wall. And that was during the A too.

 

You will wonder, why am I on LS? And I don't know. I read a lot about limerance and chemical connection, I guess that is it. If anyone knows a pill to take, tell me.

 

In any event, I did not email him back and I swear, even if he emails me that the freaken building is burning down, I will not respond. His email today, it was just so bad to receive. I felt so dumb. All I can do is hold my head high and move on. And of course look fabulous next week.

[imperfectangel]

Imperfect 11 yrs! That is a long time what is the circumstances that started your A? Is he older than you? Has there ever been a dday?

 

We just got in touch online wasn't supposed to turn into an affair. He's only a couple of years older and no d day though he did pretend last year. What gets to me the most now is him saying I wouldn't want him if he wasn't married, has he thought this the whole time?!

[Adoraxx]

Hi Midnight,

 

Yes, he totally expects you to write a long LOOOOOOONG email where you pour your heart out to him! He is so condescending towards you, totally acts like you're so in love with him and he is gracious enough to give you his friendship but 'no, it can't be more than that since I'm such a good man' (as if you ever asked him for that). And then at the same time he still tries to lure you in by giving off mixed messages!!! It's really mean!!!!

 

What you wrote reminded me about something that happened here a few years ago: xMM was busy ignoring me, went on vacation, sent me a few crummy emails when he returned, and added a few 'ILY's' and 'I can't wait to see you!' but he sure was slow with coming to see me even though he had lots of time!

 

Eventually he showed up and he had a smug look on his face but I was determined to act normal instead of asking him questions because I KNEW he expected me to act like a nut case, crying/ begging/ pleading/ asking lots of questions to figure out what he's thinking but I gave him NONE of that. I just acted normal, looked all casual and eventually he said: "ohhh Adoraxx don't be so sad....." trying to provoke me into acting like a nut!!!! But I saw right through that and told him (shouldn't have told him that) that I know he expects me act all sad but now I don't and now he is trying to force me into the behavior that he secretly loves so much.......

 

I really do believe they like it when they receive long, long emails. Or when we ask lots of questions. Of course they'll ignore our long emails or they'll get mad at us for asking questions or they'll act all holier-than-thou and "no, I can't do this with you" or whatever......... but they got what they wanted and that's a massive ego boost!!!!!

 

I am glad that you've decided to stay quiet, Midnight!!!!!

 

Meanwhile, my xMM is running around the house all day long (he has a very long vacation), spending lots of time with his W (and i know her well, she is just as narcissistic as he is), and guess what I found out yesterday? They/ he (?)/ she (?) unfriended me on HER FB!! It's a big coincidence because I never mention FB to either one of them, in fact I never post anything, I just have it to stay in touch with a couple of friends abroad and years ago, his W was the one who sent me a friend request....

 

Anyway, last week I ran into him and I briefly commented on the pic that his W posted on FB, a pic of xMM holding his W in his arms, hugging up to there and the caption said how they enjoyed their marriage anniversary so MUCH!!! Lots of people liked the post but I didn't but well, I could very well not have been on FB that day because I don't use it much anyway....

 

It just really hurt to see them there in that pic together!!! xMM had his arms wrapped so tenderly around her! And I know he is happy with her, but it makes me so mad that he tried to persuade me for years to have sex with him again (and yes, I stupidly gave in again in May 2015 but only because the pressure on me got too much and after that I got the silent treatment again) ,

 

and also, that up until a few days before that wedding anniversary, he was still sending me 'ILY' and 'xxxxxxxxxx' and all that. And suddenly he stopped all of that, stopped emailing me, celebrated his wedding anniversary a few days later with that pic on FB, and ever since then he hasn't emailed me anymore. I went to him a few weeks later to ask why he didn't just tell me that he doesn't want contact anymore but of course I got only a vague reply that didn't make sense.

 

He finds it 'difficult' he said. Did not once ask how I'm doing, only talked about himself and how much he enjoyed his vacation (where he celebrated the anniversary), blah blah blah.

 

He briefly inquired when I'm going to move exactly but I told him I don't know the exact date yet. He lied that he'll come see me before I leave... but of course I don't believe him!!! Oh and when I said "You could have told me that you want no contact instead of sending me lots of emails first and then suddenly disappearing again... and yes, I saw your pic on FB with you and W..." , he replied with "such is life!"

 

Hm.....

 

Sorry for the long post!!!!!! I'm just so upset and I can't wait until I'm gone from here. Midnight, I really really hope that you can leave that job and that you'll never have to see him again!! It's a good thing too that I got unfriended on FB (maybe xMM worried that I would show his ugly pic to other people after I mentioned the anniversary pic?? or maybe W just decided out of the blue that she wanted to delete me) - I'm upset about it now but in the long run it's good... that way I can make the break even 'cleaner' once I've moved. Not sure if I could have unfriended/ blocked her on FB myself......................

[MidnightBlue1980]

We just got in touch online wasn't supposed to turn into an affair. He's only a couple of years older and no d day though he did pretend last year. What gets to me the most now is him saying I wouldn't want him if he wasn't married, has he thought this the whole time?!

 

He pretended to you he had a D day?

 

That is an odd statement, you wouldn't want him if he was not married. I feel like he is either looking for you to say, no no, I would want you - or he is trying to send you a message, like he is being honest about himself. Maybe he feels like deep down he is a broken person - I feel like that about myself and often have no idea why my H sticks around. I've stopped asking him as now he gets mad and says I'm being insulting.

 

So it could be something like that. Pay attention to what people tell you about themselves. It almost always comes back to be true.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Midnight,

 

Yes, he totally expects you to write a long LOOOOOOONG email where you pour your heart out to him! He is so condescending towards you, totally acts like you're so in love with him and he is gracious enough to give you his friendship but 'no, it can't be more than that since I'm such a good man' (as if you ever asked him for that). And then at the same time he still tries to lure you in by giving off mixed messages!!! It's really mean!!!!

 

What you wrote reminded me about something that happened here a few years ago: xMM was busy ignoring me, went on vacation, sent me a few crummy emails when he returned, and added a few 'ILY's' and 'I can't wait to see you!' but he sure was slow with coming to see me even though he had lots of time!

 

Eventually he showed up and he had a smug look on his face but I was determined to act normal instead of asking him questions because I KNEW he expected me to act like a nut case, crying/ begging/ pleading/ asking lots of questions to figure out what he's thinking but I gave him NONE of that. I just acted normal, looked all casual and eventually he said: "ohhh Adoraxx don't be so sad....." trying to provoke me into acting like a nut!!!! But I saw right through that and told him (shouldn't have told him that) that I know he expects me act all sad but now I don't and now he is trying to force me into the behavior that he secretly loves so much.......

 

I really do believe they like it when they receive long, long emails. Or when we ask lots of questions. Of course they'll ignore our long emails or they'll get mad at us for asking questions or they'll act all holier-than-thou and "no, I can't do this with you" or whatever......... but they got what they wanted and that's a massive ego boost!!!!!

 

I am glad that you've decided to stay quiet, Midnight!!!!!

 

Meanwhile, my xMM is running around the house all day long (he has a very long vacation), spending lots of time with his W (and i know her well, she is just as narcissistic as he is), and guess what I found out yesterday? They/ he (?)/ she (?) unfriended me on HER FB!! It's a big coincidence because I never mention FB to either one of them, in fact I never post anything, I just have it to stay in touch with a couple of friends abroad and years ago, his W was the one who sent me a friend request....

 

Anyway, last week I ran into him and I briefly commented on the pic that his W posted on FB, a pic of xMM holding his W in his arms, hugging up to there and the caption said how they enjoyed their marriage anniversary so MUCH!!! Lots of people liked the post but I didn't but well, I could very well not have been on FB that day because I don't use it much anyway....

 

It just really hurt to see them there in that pic together!!! xMM had his arms wrapped so tenderly around her! And I know he is happy with her, but it makes me so mad that he tried to persuade me for years to have sex with him again (and yes, I stupidly gave in again in May 2015 but only because the pressure on me got too much and after that I got the silent treatment again) ,

 

and also, that up until a few days before that wedding anniversary, he was still sending me 'ILY' and 'xxxxxxxxxx' and all that. And suddenly he stopped all of that, stopped emailing me, celebrated his wedding anniversary a few days later with that pic on FB, and ever since then he hasn't emailed me anymore. I went to him a few weeks later to ask why he didn't just tell me that he doesn't want contact anymore but of course I got only a vague reply that didn't make sense.

 

He finds it 'difficult' he said. Did not once ask how I'm doing, only talked about himself and how much he enjoyed his vacation (where he celebrated the anniversary), blah blah blah.

 

He briefly inquired when I'm going to move exactly but I told him I don't know the exact date yet. He lied that he'll come see me before I leave... but of course I don't believe him!!! Oh and when I said "You could have told me that you want no contact instead of sending me lots of emails first and then suddenly disappearing again... and yes, I saw your pic on FB with you and W..." , he replied with "such is life!"

 

Hm.....

 

Sorry for the long post!!!!!! I'm just so upset and I can't wait until I'm gone from here. Midnight, I really really hope that you can leave that job and that you'll never have to see him again!! It's a good thing too that I got unfriended on FB (maybe xMM worried that I would show his ugly pic to other people after I mentioned the anniversary pic?? or maybe W just decided out of the blue that she wanted to delete me) - I'm upset about it now but in the long run it's good... that way I can make the break even 'cleaner' once I've moved. Not sure if I could have unfriended/ blocked her on FB myself......................

 

Hi Adoraxx,

 

It was nice to see a post to me, don't apologize, and it's doubly nice to see that everything you wrote, I could have written. It makes me feel less alone. You don't want to be friends with either of them on FB. You should now take the next step and block them. Just go to their page and you can do it from there. I have both xMM and his W blocked. I doubt they are looking at me honestly but it makes me feel better and I do not have to see any couple pictures in my feed. Like you, xMM and myself have a large number of mutual friends so there is a real possibility something could show up if they all like it. I've had that happen and it's painful. No one needs that.

 

xMM definitely likes when I contact him. He likes the attention. I also know for a fact - and I confirmed this with other guys - it is abnormal to contact people like he did on a vacation. My actual friends said they would not email me when they are on vacation as it's their family time. These are guys and they were matter of fact about it. So for you and me, yes, they just want us to chase them.

 

The way I see it, if you don't really want someone and you know they have all these feelings for you - and you use them anyway, lead them on for a little ego kick? I think that is really low. It's one thing if they were like some of these guys posting here, Out comes to mind, all in love with the woman, but they are not, these guys are just jerks. Users. Mind games. I honestly do not like people like that.

 

You should completely stop talking to your x as well. If you want to move, move, but who cares if he knows about it? On my end, I 100% plan to not respond, the more difficult part will be next week at the meeting, in person. But I will try hard. I'm just trying to decide how to act. I want to look like I don't care, but I don't want him to think I'm fine and now we can be friends, does that make sense? I have ignored him but he will come directly up to me and ask a question.

 

I am not good at this type of stuff. Come end of Sept and at least he will have no reason to approach me and I can start looking for another meeting to attend and never see him again.

[imperfectangel]

He pretended to you he had a D day?

 

That is an odd statement, you wouldn't want him if he was not married. I feel like he is either looking for you to say, no no, I would want you - or he is trying to send you a message, like he is being honest about himself. Maybe he feels like deep down he is a broken person - I feel like that about myself and often have no idea why my H sticks around. I've stopped asking him as now he gets mad and says I'm being insulting.

 

So it could be something like that. Pay attention to what people tell you about themselves. It almost always comes back to be true.

 

Well I didn't think about my reaction it was very in the moment and I said what of course I would. Which is true. But he also said he will always be married which I believe to def be true. I don't believe that even if he wanted to he has the guts to leave. Like others say on here I think his marriage is ok, not bad enough to leave. He is all set.

 

I have decided to try and stay in nc. I have t struggled that much this week at all I've kept myself really busy, the only time I'm tempted is at night when I can't sleep and every time I go for my phone I try to remind myself he is in bed with another. It is very sobering.

 

With his fake d day it was just over a year ago. Of course I knew it was fake. If she found out he wouldn't be emailing me he would be trying to get her back. He started saying he made it up because he wanted to see me the next day and that he loved me. I shouted at him that he doesn't love me and play his stupid games with someone else and hung up the phone.

 

It's all his little games that annoy me, it's like he's always testing me

 

 

Just wanted to add: I feel so safe when I am with him. Sounds so stupid but as soon as he holds me I just feel safe, at home, at peace. And that is hard to walk away from. I have to go nc as I don't want to physically bond with him anymore. At the same time if I want him to leave should I really be walking away? I'm so confused ATM

Edited August 13, 2016 by imperfectangel

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well I didn't think about my reaction it was very in the moment and I said what of course I would. Which is true. But he also said he will always be married which I believe to def be true. I don't believe that even if he wanted to he has the guts to leave. Like others say on here I think his marriage is ok, not bad enough to leave. He is all set.

 

I have decided to try and stay in nc. I have t struggled that much this week at all I've kept myself really busy, the only time I'm tempted is at night when I can't sleep and every time I go for my phone I try to remind myself he is in bed with another. It is very sobering.

 

With his fake d day it was just over a year ago. Of course I knew it was fake. If she found out he wouldn't be emailing me he would be trying to get her back. He started saying he made it up because he wanted to see me the next day and that he loved me. I shouted at him that he doesn't love me and play his stupid games with someone else and hung up the phone.

 

It's all his little games that annoy me, it's like he's always testing me

 

 

Just wanted to add: I feel so safe when I am with him. Sounds so stupid but as soon as he holds me I just feel safe, at home, at peace. And that is hard to walk away from. I have to go nc as I don't want to physically bond with him anymore. At the same time if I want him to leave should I really be walking away? I'm so confused ATM

 

You have been in this for 11 years. He is not going to leave. From what I have read, if he was unhappy, he would have left in a few months of meeting you. I do understand what you are getting at, and since men seem to only leave one for another, I get you really want this guy and so you think, if I go NC, he will never leave. And that is probably an accurate statement. But it's also equally likely he will never leave. How old are you? Do you want a husband and kids? At a certain point, you just have to think of yourself and cut bait.

 

Or else you will spend your whole life on the side of someone else's marriage and one day, he may just drop you for no reason, another woman, boredom, D day or an attack of the guilties. I have learned the hard way that we do not matter to these guys. We are nothing and they think nothing of wasting our time, destroying our lives, taking our hearts and souls. Worse, they think poorly of women who would even be with a married guy. Read some of the responses by Marc and DKT3. There are others, I forget the names. 99% of men think like them.

 

And there are other threads where the married person does actually separate and they drop the AP. I see both genders in this one. I know men IRL who are separating and the women they messed around with while married, they don't want them now. They want shiny and new, no reminders of their bad marriage and cheating - most guys are actually not really proud of themselves and what they have done to their wives. They were jerks and they know it. They don't have a lot of respect for the women who allowed it either. You will say, oh this guy is not like that. Trust me - you have no idea what this guy would do. The guys I know, they are nice people, honestly, but I am sure glad I did not get involved with them. Nice people can do sh*tty things to other people.

 

There are many men out there. Worry about yourself now. I'm taking forever to get to this place but now I see it all so clearly and I read all these threads. This guy - is he really worth all this?

 

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh. Added: the men I know, they will still keep on sleeping with the women though, hey, if they offer it, why not right? And they are not jerks, they are men and men need sex. The men tell me, they do not feel bad because they did not promise anything. You need to understand they think differently from us. If we allow it, they will take it. It is up to us to set boundaries.

Edited August 13, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[imperfectangel]

No I'm glad you're giving me a reality check.

 

I have a child. He got married when I got pregnant. Go figure. I'm 32 and I'm not ready for a relationship ATM he has destroyed my faith I marriage/relationships but this is why I need to keep to nc.

 

I have to put myself first now, not this guy. Also as others point out I doubt I could trust him, I know what he is capable of but then I think he travelled 3 hrs to see me, who else would do that? It's hard. The heart and mind play tricks on you but I have to be honest as soon as he left my house I thought I don't want to see him again. I felt used. I need to hold onto that

[Adoraxx]

The heart and mind play tricks on you but I have to be honest as soon as he left my house I thought I don't want to see him again. I felt used. I need to hold onto that

 

Hi Angel, it's awful to feel so used... I also wonder why he drove those 3 hours to see you but most of the time the things they do/ don't do, don't make sense at all and all it does is make you feel even more confused... I think they only do things when they totally feel like 'taking you off the shelf' right at the moment that they want to...

 

I really hope you'll meet a wonderful nice man who will make this MM pale to him so badly in comparison

[imperfectangel]

Me too but I'm just not ready right now.

 

I repeatedly told him not to come etc and he still came all that way. He told me he wanted me and I said yes just for sex and he said no it isn't just sex. It may not be but if he intends in staying married that's all it can be but at my age it's not what I'm looking for right now. I must admit in that past I was ok with it but I'm older now I need to move on.

 

I'm glad he went away and hasn't contacted me I really hope he just leaves me alone at this point

[Anne5113]

Midnight, Angel, & Adoraxx:

 

These are all perfect examples of MM's "pull". When "push" alone no longer works to keep you coming back, they step up the manipulation. Funny that we are made to feel pathetic by begging or thinking that it was more, yet if their typical ploys to pull you back don't work, they can really become pretty pathetic & beg too. Adoraxx, don't let him know when you are leaving exactly because it would be classic for him to pull some grand manipulating gesture to try to stop you. Midnight, your decision of no response is best. Faking it til you make it in finding indifference. I couldn't help but giggle at the thought of if you responded to exMM email with the "wrong kind of crazy, I'm outside your house". It wouldn't be quite the response he was baiting you for.

[Poppy47]

Me too but I'm just not ready right now.

 

I repeatedly told him not to come etc and he still came all that way. He told me he wanted me and I said yes just for sex and he said no it isn't just sex. It may not be but if he intends in staying married that's all it can be but at my age it's not what I'm looking for right now. I must admit in that past I was ok with it but I'm older now I need to move on.

 

I'm glad he went away and hasn't contacted me I really hope he just leaves me alone at this point

 

Angel,

I say he came just for sex. You have given it freely in the past and he knows that.

You cannot believe what comes out of a MM's mouth.... none of it. They will say anything to hook you, make you feel good and ultimately get what they want.

 

Poppy.

[imperfectangel]

Angel,

I say he came just for sex. You have given it freely in the past and he knows that.

You cannot believe what comes out of a MM's mouth.... none of it. They will say anything to hook you, make you feel good and ultimately get what they want.

 

Poppy.

 

You are probably right but I'm determined to stick to nc now anyway. It won't be happening again

[imperfectangel]

I actually looked back on my emails and realised we last had contact on Sunday so I'm basically at day 7 nc already which is great. He'll kick himself for giving me this space to think things over lol hahahaha

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight, Angel, & Adoraxx:

 

These are all perfect examples of MM's "pull". When "push" alone no longer works to keep you coming back, they step up the manipulation. Funny that we are made to feel pathetic by begging or thinking that it was more, yet if their typical ploys to pull you back don't work, they can really become pretty pathetic & beg too. Adoraxx, don't let him know when you are leaving exactly because it would be classic for him to pull some grand manipulating gesture to try to stop you. Midnight, your decision of no response is best. Faking it til you make it in finding indifference. I couldn't help but giggle at the thought of if you responded to exMM email with the "wrong kind of crazy, I'm outside your house". It wouldn't be quite the response he was baiting you for.

 

I know. I admit, I've acted crazy. While I have never stalked him or done anything like that kind of stuff, against his commands to delete everything, I took a lot of screen shots and would forward emails and texts to a nonused old email account. In the beginning I did it for sentimental reasons but later, it was evidence.

 

When this past June, I found out he was lying to me, he denied a lot of the things he had said to me and acted like I was crazy, I sent all these messages back to him! He was really alarmed. I am pretty sure for a while he had no idea what I was going to do, but I did nothing.

 

I am a little crazy.

[Anne5113]

I know. I admit, I've acted crazy. While I have never stalked him or done anything like that kind of stuff, against his commands to delete everything, I took a lot of screen shots and would forward emails and texts to a nonused old email account. In the beginning I did it for sentimental reasons but later, it was evidence.

 

When this past June, I found out he was lying to me, he denied a lot of the things he had said to me and acted like I was crazy, I sent all these messages back to him! He was really alarmed. I am pretty sure for a while he had no idea what I was going to do, but I did nothing.

 

I am a little crazy.

 

 

Most of the time it's brought up jokingly, but we both have admitted to being crazy. Emotionally & psychological healthy people don't have affairs or get involved with someone married. We brought out the "crazy" in each other. We have very different ideas about what growth from this means. Mine is not being involved with him, and his is not getting caught, and me not getting angry or upset with him. I don't get angry anymore, but for me that means I have become detached in order to walk away. I used to be obsessed with trying to understand why he did things, but that drove me nuts and got me nowhere.

He is very aware, I don't delete anything though. LOL!! He need not worry about me being vengeful now though. Don't worry about how to act when you see him in terms of what he will think. You cared for him, he hurt you & it still hurts, but you realize that you have to move on and this cannot be done by being friends, nor do you want his friendship because he is an ass. He can take the crumbs he can gather from this and feed his ego some, but you are done and the crumbs left are it!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Most of the time it's brought up jokingly, but we both have admitted to being crazy. Emotionally & psychological healthy people don't have affairs or get involved with someone married. We brought out the "crazy" in each other. We have very different ideas about what growth from this means. Mine is not being involved with him, and his is not getting caught, and me not getting angry or upset with him. I don't get angry anymore, but for me that means I have become detached in order to walk away. I used to be obsessed with trying to understand why he did things, but that drove me nuts and got me nowhere.

He is very aware, I don't delete anything though. LOL!! He need not worry about me being vengeful now though. Don't worry about how to act when you see him in terms of what he will think. You cared for him, he hurt you & it still hurts, but you realize that you have to move on and this cannot be done by being friends, nor do you want his friendship because he is an ass. He can take the crumbs he can gather from this and feed his ego some, but you are done and the crumbs left are it!

 

Thank you. I am not familiar with your story but I imagine it is similar. I appreciate your advice. It fits. I have not contacted him and I won't. I have a lot of pride and I actually don't chase guys, so to tell me that he is only contacting me to be friendly because of our mutual business obligation...well, I do not need his pity attention. It's a flaw of mine but I fall on my sword - in this situation, it is good though. My pride will keep me away. I'd rather die than contact him now.

 

You have to understand that this guy pursued me, he is not attractive at all, short, overweight, balding and cannot get or keep a hard-on. People who know say, I don't know what you are seeing, he is not a catch. I'm not a supermodel but I'm at the least, pretty attractive. I guess we all are here, aren't we? All these guys, they like to hook up with us for a reason. No guy cheats with an ugly chick. I bet most of us are pretty hot.

 

So for him to now feel sorry for me, throw me the friend card out of some pity party for me, well I cannot post on LS what I think of him. It's horrible how it all turned around on me. How did it happen? I am not even sure.

 

If this was some game of his, it backfired. F-k him.