"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[ShatteredLady]

Yeh some men really do appreciate expensive good quality meat!

 

Problem is, all meat ages & spoils eventually even 'soul-meat'!

 

some 'men' :sick:

[Outofmysystem]

Well Out....come on, she got divorced. She lost. You chose your wife. You have to see that. You sound like a nice guy, nothing like that guy I had the misfortune of meeting but you must see that she obviously loves you. Love and hate are the same. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. It is very difficult for us to lose the men we love.

 

 

Blue, you are very perceptive I must say.....as are all the ladies in this thread. I have to keep telling myself this exact thing, the "silver lining" so to speak because again.....as the things go, my "end" couldn't have been any better of an outcome......that said, much like the questions you have going on in your head, "did he really love me or was I just a distraction, toy, "extra"......are the same I have going on in mine too.....

[Lostgirl186]

My I guess I should say EX AP at tbis point is very handsome. Comes from well know family, has the nice job, position in different organizations around the community etc. all eyes are on him, supposed to be the model citizen. His wife is not ugly, we are about the same height (both tall) same hair color but not texture- she's by no means fat, but heavier than me- And other than height and hair color we are polar opposites. She's more plain than me, and honestly her facial features, she could be his sister. She is also the model citizen- never so much as say an ugly word etc. and she really seems to think they have the perfect Christian family. my only guess as to WHY he was drawn to me is because I'm so different from her. We clicked physically. So I don't know if I'm the filet or not haha.

[Grey Cloud]

Is it bad that I feel an overwhelming urge to make him pay or make him realize how bad he's f*cked up? Not in the sense of "outing" him, bc the repercussions would be worse for me than him... But to make him regret treating me the way he has... Maybe that should be our focus ladies? Being strong, bold, and beautiful... Make them crave what they've given up and not give it to them? Is that possible? Can we play them at their own game?

 

You will never beat them at their own game. Most MM have a certain belief or perception about themselves and will do a lot of blame shifting and cognitive dissonance to believe they are ACTUALLY "good", committed husbands. There is nothing you can say or do to make them think otherwise - you will just come across as emotional, dramatic or unstable which will further serve their beliefs that they have done the right thing by staying with their wives who would never cheat - unlike their other women. Yes it smacks of hypocritical double standards but it is what it is. I felt the same as you- I wanted him to realise certain things about himself but all I got was "what are you going on about now". He liked me the best when I was carefree, fun and laid back who thought he was wonderful. The minute I became more needy or disagreed with his beliefs then he would give me the silent treatment or become cold.

 

All you can do is go NC and try not to think he has won and has got what he wants. Because you will never get what YOU want so there is no point in trying anymore. There are no winners.

[Chica80]

Having a rough day. Almost text didn't. 11 days so far NC. Will see him tomorrow. I want to say....

 

"I miss you. Sorry I was such a ***ch when you were having a rough week"

 

But I didn't so I posted here

[Adoraxx]

H had parked next to it and really close so he said xMM had a hard time opening the door and had to squeeze in.

 

Hahahahaha this cracked me up, Midnight!!! I can totally envision what that looked like... LOL!!!!! Your H is so funny

[imperfectangel]

Hahahahaha this cracked me up, Midnight!!! I can totally envision what that looked like... LOL!!!!! Your H is so funny

 

That was my favourite part too!

[Adoraxx]

haha wouldn't a Meme like this be fantastic......... this video of xMM trying to squeeze himself (all of it haha) into the car and then the words "when your H parks the car next to xMM's car..........." LOL!!

[imperfectangel]

Well I broke nc yesterday but it was the usual

 

1. I contact

2. He responds

3. I reply

4. No response

 

I'm hoping that's it and he'll know why I'm nc for now. I can't completely blank him or he'll turn up at my house

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well I broke nc yesterday but it was the usual

 

1. I contact

2. He responds

3. I reply

4. No response

 

I'm hoping that's it and he'll know why I'm nc for now. I can't completely blank him or he'll turn up at my house

 

That is the usual pattern for me too. What did you say?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yeh some men really do appreciate expensive good quality meat!

 

Problem is, all meat ages & spoils eventually even 'soul-meat'!

 

some 'men' :sick:

 

Some men (I feel bad saying all men, since Out reads this thread) are just never satisfied. I'm the filet for xMM, he is a noodle for sure. But my H, a filet, still will criticize me for not going to the gym enough, not doing abs, etc. And his xOW - very attractive and almost 20 years younger than me. How can I compete with that? She didn't understand but I got why he stayed. It's the same exact reason all men - including my own xMM - stay. They love their wives, homes, families, etc. So I got to see firsthand that OW are really just for fun on the side.

[imperfectangel]

That is the usual pattern for me too. What did you say?

 

I just asked him if he was back from his holiday. I can't completely disappear and I think this way he'll know I'm annoyed if I stop/start contact rather than straight up nc.

 

I do not want him showing up at my house.

 

But this has been the pattern for a while now and it's annoying me it's like I just couldn't get a conversation going with him (back when I wanted to). Funny because when he wanted to come round he was texting and emailing me all the time :rolleyes:

 

I think his penis is the only thing he listens to and I guess at the moment it isn't whispering my name lol

 

I am so done

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue, you are very perceptive I must say.....as are all the ladies in this thread. I have to keep telling myself this exact thing, the "silver lining" so to speak because again.....as the things go, my "end" couldn't have been any better of an outcome......that said, much like the questions you have going on in your head, "did he really love me or was I just a distraction, toy, "extra"......are the same I have going on in mine too.....

 

Well at least you seem to have made a firm decision to stay with your wife, unlike noodles versus filet, on the other board, sleeping with both. As a wife though, I have to be honest with you. If my H was here posting about the OW like you are, I'd want to know and I'm not sure we should stay together. I'm not being a hypocrite at all, just saying that if you love this woman, what does that mean for your marriage?

 

I'm in a similar situation except (a) xMM is not leaving (b) xMM seems to have lost all interest anyway, probably because I've been high strung and crazy. He is full on aware that I wanted him to leave and that's it, he's backed far away.

 

I realize I now sound like one of those typical people here, if I can't have my AP, I will stay with my spouse. And I guess I am. But real life is never that simple, is it? I do love H, we have little kids and I'm mid 40s, not 20s. I can only hope over time I forget about him - as I hope you Out forget about her.

[imperfectangel]

They love their wives, homes, families, etc. So I got to see firsthand that OW are really just for fun on the side.

 

 

This makes me feel so disposable

[MidnightBlue1980]

I just asked him if he was back from his holiday. I can't completely disappear and I think this way he'll know I'm annoyed if I stop/start contact rather than straight up nc.

 

I do not want him showing up at my house.

 

But this has been the pattern for a while now and it's annoying me it's like I just couldn't get a conversation going with him (back when I wanted to). Funny because when he wanted to come round he was texting and emailing me all the time :rolleyes:

 

I think his penis is the only thing he listens to and I guess at the moment it isn't whispering my name lol

 

I am so done

 

I'v done that too - contacted him and controlled it so I look normal and fine, to show I am not upset with him. It typically works because these guys (except you Out lol) are not too intelligent. Anyone who knows women, knows that the last thing we are, is fine. It's an act.

 

Here is the problem with that - one, you feel like crap as you had contact and two, they get what they need, attention from you. And you are right, he will be back when he wants action. Since he just saw you, he is off trying to be "good" like the rest of them. Who cares what he thinks of you? Go dark. I did. So he knows you can't handle talking with him. Who cares. Worry bout your needs.

 

Stop trying so hard for people who don't care and they don't care about you, they only care about themselves and their problems. I stole that from this guy I listen to - Infinite Waters. But I love it. I say it to myself a lot.

 

Here's another - a lack of self love is the root of all suffering.

 

Think about those.

[lemondrop21]

This makes me feel so disposable

 

I know. And you shouldn't have to feel that way, Angel. And a real relationship, with a real man not a coward, wouldn't make you feel that way.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This makes me feel so disposable

 

We are. We completely inconsequential to them.

 

Realizing that, stand a little taller and say, and what am I going to do about that? Am I going to continue to be sad over someone who does not care about me?

 

I write this for myself too. Don't be fooled. I'm still stuck. I'm trying hard to get unstuck. It hurt seeing him yesterday and it hurt to get his emails last week that he was just being friendly, nothing more. I felt like a fool.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You will never beat them at their own game. Most MM have a certain belief or perception about themselves and will do a lot of blame shifting and cognitive dissonance to believe they are ACTUALLY "good", committed husbands. There is nothing you can say or do to make them think otherwise - you will just come across as emotional, dramatic or unstable which will further serve their beliefs that they have done the right thing by staying with their wives who would never cheat - unlike their other women. Yes it smacks of hypocritical double standards but it is what it is. I felt the same as you- I wanted him to realise certain things about himself but all I got was "what are you going on about now". He liked me the best when I was carefree, fun and laid back who thought he was wonderful. The minute I became more needy or disagreed with his beliefs then he would give me the silent treatment or become cold.

 

All you can do is go NC and try not to think he has won and has got what he wants. Because you will never get what YOU want so there is no point in trying anymore. There are no winners.

 

Yes, this sums it up perfectly. Emotional, dramatic and unstable - that was me the last 8 months.

 

And you are right. The only answer is NC and to move on.

[imperfectangel]

It's horrible I want to use words I'm not allowed to on LS lol

 

I've accepted we will never "be" I want to move on but if I make it so obvious he will be at my door and I just can't deal with that

 

I went just over a week nc before I contacted him, I'm going to leave it a bit longer this time and stop replying to him so fast too

 

I hate playing these games

[imperfectangel]

Yes, this sums it up perfectly. Emotional, dramatic and unstable - that was me the last 8 months.

 

And you are right. The only answer is NC and to move on.

 

Oh I got the "what are you going on about now" line too right after I just bared my soul to him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's horrible I want to use words I'm not allowed to on LS lol

 

I've accepted we will never "be" I want to move on but if I make it so obvious he will be at my door and I just can't deal with that

 

I went just over a week nc before I contacted him, I'm going to leave it a bit longer this time and stop replying to him so fast too

 

I hate playing these games

 

So stop. Who cares if he shows up at your door. Call the police if he won't leave.

 

You are thinking, I could never do that to MM, call the police on him. I can assure you that if you showed up at his door, he would call the police. 100%.

 

xMM threatened to call the police on my H when my H said he was coming to his work to talk to him in December.

 

Worry about yourself. This guy is not worrying about you, is here? Its a Wednesday - do you think your MM is posting how sad he is on some internet board?

 

THEY DON'T CARE.

 

I'm not yelling at you. I'm telling you, 11 years right? Your plan is not working. Try a new one. Go dark and if he shows up and won't leave, call the cops.

[Grey Cloud]

Well I broke nc yesterday but it was the usual

 

1. I contact

2. He responds

3. I reply

4. No response

 

I'm hoping that's it and he'll know why I'm nc for now. I can't completely blank him or he'll turn up at my house

 

Wow. That's how it used to go generally for me as well. Sometimes I would say ok I'm going now and he would keep emailing non stop! Other times I would want to know something or think we were in mid conversation and he would suddenly stop replying and I would get no response. I got so used to it I accepted it towards the end. How stupid is that?

[imperfectangel]

You're both right. But I genuinely can't imagine calling the police. I may as well call his wife - I think that would scare him more!!

[Grey Cloud]

You're both right. But I genuinely can't imagine calling the police. I may as well call his wife - I think that would scare him more!!

 

Yes! Threaten exposure to his wife and then I'm sure he won't rock up on your doorstep.

[imperfectangel]

Yes! Threaten exposure to his wife and then I'm sure he won't rock up on your doorstep.

 

I've threatened to expose him so many times. Once he even said do it then. Probably because he knew I wouldn't

 

But I know he's scared of her knowing he'll never come clean with her thoigh tbh I don't think he'd get another ow if I disappear I think he'll just carry on with married life