"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Adoraxx]

I cry a lot at night. Tonight is no exception. The reason has changed though. I used to cry because I was so in love with him and I missed him so much. The pain nearly killed me. Now I cry because I feel so alone with this, and he is fine. Fine for nearly 8 months now.

 

That is the worst part. He felt bad, probably for a day, if that. And so now he is fine and I am the one who cannot cope. I now have to leave, possibly wreck my business by starting over in a new place, while it will be inconsequential to him. He thinks I should stay. Even my own H said not to rush into anything. No one can understand the depths of my pain - at least no man, with a few exceptions, like my male friend and maybe the guys here.

 

So justice, nothing will happen to him. I take my part for the A in 2015, but I do not understand why he came back in May/June 16, with his I love yous, daily contact and lies about the state of his marriage. He tried to mislead me. To me, that is cruel. I guess he was just looking for sex, which he did not get. I'm not some random person in his life, which is what hurts most - and he knew I almost committed suicide over him at the end. But even then,

he did not care about me, even on a human level, whether I lived or died. It is unbelievable to me, that I mattered so little.

 

And life will go on for him. Like it all never happened. And one day he will meet a woman and tell her about this woman he had been involved with...and he will twist and lie.....repeat.

 

Where is the karma? There is none.

 

Oh Midnight.... I wish I could give you a big hug! I cry very often too... it just hurts so much that someone moves on in that way. They truly never cared about us, and they were only in 'it' for themselves. It's strange how xMM can act from one day to the next as if you never existed, as if there never was anything between you....

 

It's so uncanny that your xMM also returned with the 'ILY's' and all that, only for him to act all 'good' again all of a sudden. He makes me feel like I'm a dirty sl*t, which I am NOT because it was xMM who pursued me and pursued me and pursued me and I mistook it for love but of course it was only about one thing for him and that's sex.

 

I'm so happy that I'll be leaving this place before the end of the year. And yes, it's true what you and the others said about having to FORCE yourself because it's indeed a very hard decision when you know that you will never see that person again, but at a certain point you just can't take it anymore and then it's really best to distance yourself in the most extreme way possible. I'm going to move about 90 minutes away from here, but I really wish I could have put oceans between me and xMM. But for now, 90 minutes will have to do.... And I know he won't come to see me (unlike Angels xMM) so that's good.

 

I've often felt like committing suicide too... I even told xMM about my feelings, I told him years ago that I can't have sex with him again because it hurts too much when he leaves me and abandons me and doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore... it's truly like you're dead to him all of a sudden... Anyway, when I told him about how I often feel like just ending my life, he said : "oh let me know when you're going to do it, I'll videotape it" and he also said: "ok, do you need some rope?"

 

WHO THE F SAYS THAT?!?! It's not something to joke about!!! I will never forget those moments of desperation where you feel like the only way to end this pain is to just end your life yourself........ I often felt like xMM ended MY life by acting like I don't exist anymore... it's like you're alive but then you're not because to him you're pretty much dead UNLESS he decides to pay you some attention again.

 

No, it's truly for the best to leave , whether it's by moving or finding a different job... I've never managed to distance myself from him by staying in this neighborhood, it's just impossible when there is always a chance of running into him. Force yourself to choose LIFE and that's what I have been doing and now I can't wait to move whereas years ago I was dreading it more than anything......

[imperfectangel]

MB (((((hugs)))) I've stopped crying. Even if I want to I physically cannot.

 

My mm does the ...... Thing. Irritates the hell of me because it's open to interpretation and I'd rather he just say whatever it is.

[Poppy47]

Laughing out loud as my Xmm would reply to everything with LOL! And then would have a billion exclamation points as well. The lol thing began to piss me off because I would say something and be annoyed and I would just get lol.

 

It's a diversionary tactic... You get annoyed so you don't go on and on about being upset or whatever.

 

Poppy

[Grey Cloud]

It's a diversionary tactic... You get annoyed so you don't go on and on about being upset or whatever.

 

Poppy

 

It's also a way to minimise anything I'm saying.

 

Midnight - I also got the ..... thing all the time plus Good Morning!

 

In the beginning his emails/texts were all about love bombing - "I'm completely OBSESSED with you. You are so hot/sexy. I'm SOOOOOO attracted to you. I want to run away with you. The best part of my day is seeing you". Once he was sending me messages whilst he was out for dinner with his wife on date night "hi! Thinking of you" etc

 

Towards the end I got "LOL. Gotta run. Can't talk. Have a meeting to go to. Going to be busy for the next few hours. Talk on Monday".

 

I think this is why the frustration sets in. It goes from one extreme at the beginning to the complete opposite of the spectrum by the end.

[NewLeaf512]

Response to a few posts because I don't know how to multi quote:

 

I too felt like topping myself in 2015 on more than one occasion. It's only because I'm lucky enough to have means enough to support once (sometimes twice) weekly therapy that I am here, with increasing sanity, and fully functioning.

 

What frankly chaps my bottom here, in a thread titled "support" are the number of BS (mostly W) who like to further whip and insult other women who are also suffering psychological/ emotional pain due to an A.

 

There seems to be some misperceptions amongst a good deal of BS that OW chased, pursued and/or trapped these MM because we are 1. Monsters 2. Horny 3. Immoral sexual or Emotional sadists (add yours here)

 

Here is the truth: the majority of OW are pursued by MM

 

And further get tangled up in A because

 

1. They are broken and lonely and unloved

2. Naive

3. Tricked or duped by MM

 

<--- me all 3

 

The WS is

1. Immoral

2. The Vow Breaker

3. Broken

4. The person who betrayed their spouse

 

The majority of OW feel terrible for what has happened, and accountable for their part in it. I have seldom seen an OW braggadocio posting. Have you?

 

Let the OW here (myself included) have been a whipping post for the emotional pain of BS. Why? Should the focus not be on WS?

 

It seems to me (opinion) that OW don't stalk the infidelity thread, accusing BS of being the cause of their WS straying. (By the way, there isn't a time in my view that a BS is responsible for a WS) there are some things I know contribute to marital disconnection, such as loneliness. The reason you don't see the BS getting filleted or insulted is because OW understand that the fault lays predominantly at the feet of MM, that BS are victims in pain and deserve compassion, empathy and respect.

 

BS have much to share in the way of wisdom and many do with respect and some gentle nudging (ShatteredLady and others) and that's helped me enormously.

 

I too was once a BS whose H got another woman pregnant and left me for her (eventually trying to come back). It was soul destroying. Especially after I'd had a stillborn the year before and have never had children and now can never. I sobbed. Some of me died. I understand the pain. Not then and certainly not now, years later, would it help me, heal me, soothe me or be in anyway productive for me to unleash those negative emotions on a total stranger. In my life ( learned through therapy) it's important to feel the feelings, understand why you have them, let it out, and leave it where it belongs, in my history.

 

This post won't matter to anyone probably, and that's tragic.

 

As an ex OW who is 1y2m NC, and remorseful, and have moved forward and possibly have some insights to share its a shame I rarely want to post just because of the potential of a random potshot coming my way.

 

So to all of the suffering OW on this thread. It's incredibly painful. Keep moving fwd. Work on fixing what's broken inside you that allowed you to be in an A. Then never do it again.

 

PM is welcomed

 

NL

[Grey Cloud]

You just have to force yourself to do it. I'm at that point. It hurts, it will hurt to not see him but intellectually I know I will feel nothing eventually.

 

In a strange way, I am sad at the pain going away. It's all I have left. I don't know if that makes sense. I've been in this mess for a year now. It's become a part of my identity.

 

I feel like this too. I have felt sad and consumed by this for so long I almost don't know how to be normal and there is an irrational fear about letting go of the pain? I was at a work event last week - an event that xmm and I both worked on together last year when we were in the middle of the A. I no longer work with him so thought it would be a big trigger this year - especially as it was the same venue and I was sat at the same table. I actually felt OK throughout the whole thing but I was waiting to feel bad. I was expecting it to happen. How f'd up is that - waiting for the pain to hit and to feel miserable. And feeling surprised that I almost felt "normal".

[Grey Cloud]

 

Where is the karma? There is none.

 

Karma will come. Might not be in the short term but I have to believe karmic justice will be done. I cannot for the life of me see how my xmm can get through the rest of his life without his wife realising he lies and manipulates. I have to believe that one day she will realise his true nature and won't forever think he is this amazing, honorable, honest family man with high integrity. Surely she and others can't be fooled forever?

 

Karma will be served but in a different way. It's how the universe works.

[Grey Cloud]

Adoraxx - absolutely shocked and disgusted your xmm would make jokes about suicide with you Total narcissist selfish behaviour lacking empathy for others.

[Lostgirl186]

I cry a lot at night. Tonight is no exception. The reason has changed though. I used to cry because I was so in love with him and I missed him so much. The pain nearly killed me. Now I cry because I feel so alone with this, and he is fine. Fine for nearly 8 months now.

 

That is the worst part. He felt bad, probably for a day, if that. And so now he is fine and I am the one who cannot cope. I now have to leave, possibly wreck my business by starting over in a new place, while it will be inconsequential to him. He thinks I should stay. Even my own H said not to rush into anything. No one can understand the depths of my pain - at least no man, with a few exceptions, like my male friend and maybe the guys here.

 

So justice, nothing will happen to him. I take my part for the A in 2015, but I do not understand why he came back in May/June 16, with his I love yous, daily contact and lies about the state of his marriage. He tried to mislead me. To me, that is cruel. I guess he was just looking for sex, which he did not get. I'm not some random person in his life, which is what hurts most - and he knew I almost committed suicide over him at the end. But even then,

he did not care about me, even on a human level, whether I lived or died. It is unbelievable to me, that I mattered so little.

 

And life will go on for him. Like it all never happened. And one day he will meet a woman and tell her about this woman he had been involved with...and he will twist and lie.....repeat.

 

Where is the karma? There is none.

 

We have so many similarities in how we feel and how they act, I wonder if our married man IS the same guy?! I kid. I also cried some yesterday, and I have been fighting it back at my desk all morning. Midnightremind me, did y'all go thru any sort of period of no speaking after the physical affair ended? I guess my question is for any of us who are no longer physically seeing the exMM, but having conversations, arguments, etc.. Have any of us actually been able to cut the guy off without sending some sort of correspondence for more than a few days to a week or two? I often wonder if he treats me that way he does bc so far I haven't gone anywhere. Maybe it's easier for them to say they don't want us, because in the back of their minds they think "she's hooked on me, she's not going anywhere, IF I change my mind, she's right there so I don't even have to string her alomg bc if I want her she's there." Honestly I haven't done anything to prove otherwise.. Just a thought. Bc I haven't gone more than ten days without talking to mine in over two years.

 

In other news, today is day 1 again. And of course, I passed him on the way to school this morning, and he waves. How is it ok to tell someone you don't want them to text you anymore, but it's ok to wave at them as you pass them by? Today will be a hard day, but I am determine to make it thru the day.

[Lostgirl186]

Response to a few posts because I don't know how to multi quote:

 

I too felt like topping myself in 2015 on more than one occasion. It's only because I'm lucky enough to have means enough to support once (sometimes twice) weekly therapy that I am here, with increasing sanity, and fully functioning.

 

What frankly chaps my bottom here, in a thread titled "support" are the number of BS (mostly W) who like to further whip and insult other women who are also suffering psychological/ emotional pain due to an A.

 

There seems to be some misperceptions amongst a good deal of BS that OW chased, pursued and/or trapped these MM because we are 1. Monsters 2. Horny 3. Immoral sexual or Emotional sadists (add yours here)

 

Here is the truth: the majority of OW are pursued by MM

 

And further get tangled up in A because

 

1. They are broken and lonely and unloved

2. Naive

3. Tricked or duped by MM

 

<--- me all 3

 

The WS is

1. Immoral

2. The Vow Breaker

3. Broken

4. The person who betrayed their spouse

 

The majority of OW feel terrible for what has happened, and accountable for their part in it. I have seldom seen an OW braggadocio posting. Have you?

 

Let the OW here (myself included) have been a whipping post for the emotional pain of BS. Why? Should the focus not be on WS?

 

It seems to me (opinion) that OW don't stalk the infidelity thread, accusing BS of being the cause of their WS straying. (By the way, there isn't a time in my view that a BS is responsible for a WS) there are some things I know contribute to marital disconnection, such as loneliness. The reason you don't see the BS getting filleted or insulted is because OW understand that the fault lays predominantly at the feet of MM, that BS are victims in pain and deserve compassion, empathy and respect.

 

BS have much to share in the way of wisdom and many do with respect and some gentle nudging (ShatteredLady and others) and that's helped me enormously.

 

I too was once a BS whose H got another woman pregnant and left me for her (eventually trying to come back). It was soul destroying. Especially after I'd had a stillborn the year before and have never had children and now can never. I sobbed. Some of me died. I understand the pain. Not then and certainly not now, years later, would it help me, heal me, soothe me or be in anyway productive for me to unleash those negative emotions on a total stranger. In my life ( learned through therapy) it's important to feel the feelings, understand why you have them, let it out, and leave it where it belongs, in my history.

 

This post won't matter to anyone probably, and that's tragic.

 

As an ex OW who is 1y2m NC, and remorseful, and have moved forward and possibly have some insights to share its a shame I rarely want to post just because of the potential of a random potshot coming my way.

 

So to all of the suffering OW on this thread. It's incredibly painful. Keep moving fwd. Work on fixing what's broken inside you that allowed you to be in an A. Then never do it again.

 

PM is welcomed

 

NL

 

 

I love this post, thank you for sharing

[MidnightBlue1980]

We have so many similarities in how we feel and how they act, I wonder if our married man IS the same guy?! I kid. I also cried some yesterday, and I have been fighting it back at my desk all morning. Midnightremind me, did y'all go thru any sort of period of no speaking after the physical affair ended? I guess my question is for any of us who are no longer physically seeing the exMM, but having conversations, arguments, etc.. Have any of us actually been able to cut the guy off without sending some sort of correspondence for more than a few days to a week or two?

 

Well, keeping in mind I see him once a week, after it ended, he cut off all contact for a few weeks and ignored me in person. Then the period began where one of us, usually me, would send an email, maybe he would respond once but then not again. It was always right after he saw me in person. So we'd have communication on that day or the next and then I would not hear from him till I saw him in person the next week. We did go a whole month of no communication in the middle somewhere.

 

He came back in my mind in May, he was in the ER alone for a family member and I came in to a bunch of "are you there" emails. He was looking for support. The EA started then till late June when I found out he was lying to me about a bunch of things. Its been off since then. He is completely willing to be friends. He'd write me every day if I allowed it, assuming I played by the rules and only acted like his buddy. I did try it, off and on, thinking it was better than nothing, but I came to the conclusion that nothing is better than that.

 

So now its nothing. He won't contact me because knows at this point how I feel. Of course I could be giving him too much credit and respect for my feelings. He might not care at some point and reach out, and I will ignore him.

 

It is hard, like you said, to cut off. I can't be his friend though. We can't be together. So it's this.

 

I'm honestly mentally exhausted from all this. I read everyone's posts. I really feel less alone reading them all. At times I feel like I am going to lose my mind from all this, so it helps.

[Lobe]

Should the focus not be on WS?

 

It seems to me (opinion) that OW don't stalk the infidelity thread, accusing BS of being the cause of their WS straying. (By the way, there isn't a time in my view that a BS is responsible for a WS) there are some things I know contribute to marital disconnection, such as loneliness. The reason you don't see the BS getting filleted or insulted is because OW understand that the fault lays predominantly at the feet of MM, that BS are victims in pain and deserve compassion, empathy and respect.

 

In other forums I've gone to, the AP gets bashed, consistently, unrelentingly, without mercy or grace. I don't think that's productive. I try and get my point across with equal parts empathy and common sense, which is affairs hurt everyone, and nobody wins. They should come with a warning label that says: don't invest - you'll have buyer's regret! lol

 

The first thing that comes to mind is that the BS wants to blame the AP because it's easier than blaming the WS, with whom they share a life and may want to rebuild. Men are worse for this than women - a BH is on a freaking war path to annihilate the OM's life - blow up his house, key his car, take out a billboard, cut his wiener off... it's off the rails! BWs are more catty about it - I've seen a few get flayed. Worst one I ever saw, which would have been particularly painful for you NL, was that the BS wished the OW would be sterile. I don't wish my WH's xOW pain or hell, I wish her wisdom from the experience and a happy life with a single man.

 

It's all textbook, really. WS either stumbles into or actively preys upon AP who ends up never getting the WS in the end. I don't try and bash anyone but I also won't beat around the bush. I stumbled across LS looking for what the hell was going on in the heads of WSs and APs, not to find a place to commiserate with other BSs. I could not for the life of me figure out WTF these people are thinking. My WH's xOW is completely remorseless and spent over a year in bunny boiler mode. She was broken broken broken. Still is. But, she was before the affair, too - she was still legally married to her second husband, engaged to another man, banging a FWB coworker, and future faking with my husband. She was a wiling party. I am sympathetic to her pain, which I have no doubt is deep and very real, but I also have zero tolerance for any claims or even remote implication that she was purely a "victim" because unlike me, unlike ALL BSs, the AP, regardless of how charming or persistent the WS is, still has a choice, the ability to say no, the chance to stop it before it becomes an addiction... Maybe they should teach a class on infidelity in high school. "Affairs, drugs, and pyramid schemes: Just say NO."

 

I think the vast majority of affairs that are not strictly physical are opportunistic, not predatory. A perfect storm occurs (inappropriate flirting leads to more) and voila: affair. (I think a lot of OW would benefit from reading "NOT just friends" which kind of explains how specifically workplace affairs develop, but I digress...) I think of the opportunistic affair this way. When I'm trying to eat better and the Costco people accost me in the aisle with samples of delicious things in a toothpick or in a Dixie cup with a cute spoon that I know I should not eat, I can't realistically blame Costco for ruining my diet. I can regret my choice all I want but that does not make me a "victim." Do I feel empathy for the AP's pain? Yes. Do I feel like they are weak helpless victims? Not really, since most of them claim they never thought they could or would be the AP. See: cognitive dissonance.

 

So, should ALL the focus be on the WS? No. But it also should not be all on the AP either. The same way it takes two to break a marriage, it takes two to have an affair. Whatever the unfaithful partner's issues are that cause them to make bad life choices (narcissism, not enough attention at home, wanting more sex, being jealous of the time his wife spends with the kids, being mad about how much he works, whatever) is about how the WS feels. The AP is responsible for making a choice to engage - I'm sure there are few people on earth who have not been hit on by a married person at least once, and millions manage to say, "No!" even if the guy has abs of steel, a Grecian profile, laughs like Tom Hiddleston, and can lick his own eyebrows.

 

I think the reason APs don't spend as much time chilling in the BS or WS threads is because the same way it's easier for a BS to pretend it's all the APs fault, it's easier to cope without getting confirmation of their worst fears. Things like, the WS never stopped loving their BS, never meant to leave, always thought they would stop before it went too far, can't stand the pain they caused their BS, how they miss the AP but want their marriage back more, that they were in love with the way the AP made them feel but not in love with them the way you'd need to be to leave their spouse... Things like the BS wasn't physically unattractive, unintelligent, clingy or needy, a workaholic, a psycho... My WH claimed I was a sexless workaholic but neglected to mention that the only time he touched me at all was when he wanted sex and I worked to make extra money to support his drinking habit which was causing us to face bankruptcy at the time. Now, he just feels like a giant ball of sh*t (rightfully so) for the pain he caused our family and the OW. Affairs suck.

[imperfectangel]

I agree NL, it really baffles me WHY some BW come into this part of the forum. It used to be full of them and I stopped posting for a while because I needed support not to be told I was this and that etc I don't go into the infidelity section and gloat so I don't understand why they come here though I must say I don't see it as much anymore

[MidnightBlue1980]

I agree NL, it really baffles me WHY some BW come into this part of the forum. It used to be full of them and I stopped posting for a while because I needed support not to be told I was this and that etc I don't go into the infidelity section and gloat so I don't understand why they come here though I must say I don't see it as much anymore

 

If you post a new thread they will post. I think they just don't come to this thread. I don't visit the other threads typically. It's too much. I could spend the whole day on LS.

 

I do read the threads on the Infidelity board but I rarely post. I find the ones by men interesting as they debate who to be with, putting themselves into a total mental lockdown. Women don't seem to do that as much.

[imperfectangel]

I don't go into the infidelity forum, it makes me feel horrible seeing the damages a's cause. Obviously we know but to actually read how someone's heart broke I just can't. Recently I've stuck to this thread and lemon drops post, I feel bad but I don't want to be reading new stories as it makes me re live everything myself

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't go into the infidelity forum, it makes me feel horrible seeing the damages a's cause. Obviously we know but to actually read how someone's heart broke I just can't. Recently I've stuck to this thread and lemon drops post, I feel bad but I don't want to be reading new stories as it makes me re live everything myself

 

I read them. Some will make you feel better about your own life. A lot are actually written by men, which is interesting. You can learn a lot.

 

I have trouble with all the new threads. The OP tends not to come back and its the same old story, my soulmate, I didn't mean to fall in love, etc.

[Lobe]

I don't go into the infidelity forum, it makes me feel horrible seeing the damages a's cause. Obviously we know but to actually read how someone's heart broke I just can't. Recently I've stuck to this thread and lemon drops post, I feel bad but I don't want to be reading new stories as it makes me re live everything myself

 

So oddly, IA... this is why I hang out here and not on a certain survivor site - I don't want to read my own story over and over and over again and get patted on the bum for sticking it out. And both here and there, it's depressing watching people fight about whether the BS should stay or go, bashing the AP, make up raunchy and demeaning nicknames. I find it especially hard to read and not react harshly to the postings of the WSs, who come on all "Oh, poor me, I'm broken hearted because I love two people, I never meant for this to happen, what do I do...?" :sick: :sick: :sick: Shoulda kept'cher fly shut and saved everyone the pain of your selfishness, hey dumdum? ~ragefacegoeshere~

 

I kind of feel safer here. Not sure why. Maybe because here in OW/OM, it's pretty straightforward. 99% are: "Help me stay NC..." THAT I can be a cheerleader for, regardless of whose "team" I'm on. Reading your stories about your MM helps me remember that while it was 50% my fault our marriage was neglected and 50% the AP's fault the affair could happen, it was 100% my WH's fault we all got hurt. Shoulda kept'cher fly shut and saved everyone the pain of your selfishness, hey dumdum? ~ragefacegoeshereagain~

 

This post in the infidelity section was shut down before anyone even got to reply. I was gobsmacked and wonder how many MM actually think like this. It's brutally honest, which is I suppose what makes it so hard to read. I feel sorry for the 21yo and hope she is smart enough to stay the hell away... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/590944-49yo-male-married-likes-21yo-single-woman

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, I'm sorry your feeling sad as of late, the last few days.....thanks for the video, although I loath Sex in the city, and Sara Jessica Parker specifically, I did like the scene.....and your right, it fits the moment.....

 

As far as the way you feel about xMM, you have to tell yourself that he did have feelings, he cared, he's just real self centered and narcissistic......it's not you, it really isn't......just like it's not me, it's her, they are caught up in themselves and that's more important than anything else.....but don't think that they won't get it paid back, they will.....you know karma will do it.....

 

Take care of you, you are more valuable than he will ever be.

[Jersey born raised]

The singe worst piece advise men give other man: get buff, go hotter, go younger that will get her. No: get buff as a side effect of exercise to get rid of stress and clear your mind. Follow this advise by a woman poster here on a BS thread

 

 

Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS*

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He owned his behavior.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

Notice who reaped the benefits?

 

As to the other person in wrote this awhile ago, it is harsh and is mostly aimed at OM but at times it does fit OW.

Who is the other person*

 

There are moments in a persons life that transcends time. That emotion on the day of and day after their wedding, the birth of a child and that first moment me holding the child. They inform us, they are not what makes life worth living, they are life.

 

In the same way, adultery has transformed me. The echoes of the uncertainties and raw emotional pain will always be a part of me. Overtime it has and continues to evolve into a source of empathy. The empathy that enables me to understand others pain and fear, both in matters like this and others.*

 

*posm and those who enable are not nice people. They had a choice to support *your marriage. *They could have helped your spouse to fight and win to save your marriage. They choose to use the opportunity to try to fill a void in their life. In doing so they choose to inflict the pain and loss I wrote above.*

 

Understand they choose to be the one. * They choose to enable. To say "if not him, then..." does not work. They *choose it to be them and no one else. In this they *are *lacking in character. So, they could be a fine person, *but so are addicts until they need a fix.

 

So what is, is. I have gained acceptance, I have greatly healed. I have gain empathy and awareness, and a great deal of indifference. It is from indifference I say "no they are not a nice person". *It is from the same place I would comment on a persons second DUI. No when a person allows their own weakness to create actual harm or create a real threat of harm, they cannot be truly be considered a nice person

[Anne5113]

So oddly, IA... this is why I hang out here and not on a certain survivor site - I don't want to read my own story over and over and over again and get patted on the bum for sticking it out. And both here and there, it's depressing watching people fight about whether the BS should stay or go, bashing the AP, make up raunchy and demeaning nicknames. I find it especially hard to read and not react harshly to the postings of the WSs, who come on all "Oh, poor me, I'm broken hearted because I love two people, I never meant for this to happen, what do I do...?" :sick: :sick: :sick: Shoulda kept'cher fly shut and saved everyone the pain of your selfishness, hey dumdum? ~ragefacegoeshere~

 

I kind of feel safer here. Not sure why. Maybe because here in OW/OM, it's pretty straightforward. 99% are: "Help me stay NC..." THAT I can be a cheerleader for, regardless of whose "team" I'm on. Reading your stories about your MM helps me remember that while it was 50% my fault our marriage was neglected and 50% the AP's fault the affair could happen, it was 100% my WH's fault we all got hurt. Shoulda kept'cher fly shut and saved everyone the pain of your selfishness, hey dumdum? ~ragefacegoeshereagain~

 

This post in the infidelity section was shut down before anyone even got to reply. I was gobsmacked and wonder how many MM actually think like this. It's brutally honest, which is I suppose what makes it so hard to read. I feel sorry for the 21yo and hope she is smart enough to stay the hell away... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/590944-49yo-male-married-likes-21yo-single-woman

 

I do read a lot of the what the BS post. It's certainly helped me put the hurt I have felt in perspective compared to a BS. I once knew that devastation although my ex was a ONS kinda guy a few times the opportunity arose. It also helps me understand how much more complex this is than sex. I don't mean deep feelings he has for me, although he may think he does at times. He sure had me fooled at one time. When I first started recognizing this was way beyond what I could comprehend a reason to continue to pursue me, and not just sex, figuring it out & understanding became a compulsion. In the end I can't completely say I understand it, other than he has a lot of emptiness, and has learned a horrible coping mechanism that works for him.

 

I used to PM with another OW regularly. Her MM had some type of DD, most likely he talked his way out of it, but she was so stuck on his W having won. I expressed several times that trying to work through infidelity was no prize even just suspected infidelity & suggested she read some post from BW. Not sure if she ever took my advice, or if she wanted to get past feeling that way at that time. Any steps to move on come at one's own pace & after 2 years, I am no leader out of this disaster, but I want to find my way & never be an accomplice to this pain to anyone ever again including myself.

[Grey Cloud]

I do read a lot of the what the BS post. It's certainly helped me put the hurt I have felt in perspective compared to a BS. I once knew that devastation although my ex was a ONS kinda guy a few times the opportunity arose. It also helps me understand how much more complex this is than sex. I don't mean deep feelings he has for me, although he may think he does at times. He sure had me fooled at one time. When I first started recognizing this was way beyond what I could comprehend a reason to continue to pursue me, and not just sex, figuring it out & understanding became a compulsion. In the end I can't completely say I understand it, other than he has a lot of emptiness, and has learned a horrible coping mechanism that works for him.

 

I used to PM with another OW regularly. Her MM had some type of DD, most likely he talked his way out of it, but she was so stuck on his W having won. I expressed several times that trying to work through infidelity was no prize even just suspected infidelity & suggested she read some post from BW. Not sure if she ever took my advice, or if she wanted to get past feeling that way at that time. Any steps to move on come at one's own pace & after 2 years, I am no leader out of this disaster, but I want to find my way & never be an accomplice to this pain to anyone ever again including myself.

 

Interesting that the OW you were in contact with had that perspective.

 

The wife is always going to "win" (except for the very rare cases), but the trouble is it never was a competition to start with. How was the wife ever to know when an affair starts that she is suddenly in competition with another woman? In this regard, I do feel very sorry for the wife.

 

I think a lot of other woman think we must be very special and it must be love for him to go to the lengths of cheating on his wife. That he must be seriously unhappy and wanting to change his life. Wrong!

 

The more I am on LS the more I am realising that it is all about cake eating, ego boosts and how the affair makes him feel about himself. That he can compartmentalise to the point that he can carry on with his home life with his wife much the same as before but have this nice little extra on the side.

 

His family life, his home life and his wife are and will always be the priority, not the OW. A lot of attention is lavished on the OW initially but soon enough the whole push/pull behaviour starts.

 

I was like you, I had this driving compulsion to know why, to figure it all out. To understand why me. I know now I wasnt unique or special. I was just a fun secret distraction until it all got too hard.

 

Editing to add that I sound very bitter when I re-read my post but don't mean to sound like that! I'm just a lot more realistic and a lot more accepting of the situation!

Edited August 19, 2016 by Grey Cloud

[NewLeaf512]

This is a great post. I agree and disagree and am enlightened by your views.

 

I'm not on other infidelity forums so my experience is limited to LS, so it's not as robust as yours.

 

Are there any winners in the aftermath of an A? I think occassionally the WS is.

I have read accounts of WS enjoying an "extracurricular" sexual A with an AP who believes incorrectly it's a love relationship. A DDAY happens, and BS is now aware, BS is devastated, but wants to keep the M together and WS is bored of AP/ashamed/seriously remorseful/ going to take the A underground and fake R to cake eat/ and probably a million more reasons to enter R. WS dumps AP, often extremely explosively and devastates AP and occasionally attempts to punish them by ruining AP life. If BS is so wounded and not at all furious, they often engage in "pick me" "I won" and are so scared of being abandoned, and are probably wrestling with comparing themselves to AP, the A is rug swept and BS tries to be the perfect spouse. Some BS seem to feel so grateful or relived that they were "picked" they lavish the WS with love and attention so WS will be so adored they will never do it again. The BS swallows the anger and that's tragic because they are a victim.

 

Result: winner WS and their successful cheating to which they never face any consequences.

 

Mostly if WS is make the community here encourages R. If the WS is a woman, the community seems to become mob like and advocate the BH immediately file for D, make WW destitute, and destroy OM as you suggest. Why is this?

 

WS are generally the instigators of A. Make no mistake, to get a person to enter into an A, the WS paints a horrific portrait of BS, their awful M, and the impending end of the M. A scenario such as this "you're beautiful. I'm really attracted to you. I'm married for 20 years to my university sweetheart. She was my first love and worked to put me through law school, after which we had 3 amazing children. She's a wonderful mum, and we are looking forward to retirement and being grandparents. You are young and sexy. How about you agree to F&!@ me whenever I want, in secret like you are a dirty tramp, never to be admitted to, with no emotion, no future, when I tire of you I'll just dump you with no explanation and if anyone ever mentions your name I'll deny I know you."

 

Regarding your Costco analogy, the marketers are not representing themselves as homeless people who haven't eaten in a week in a clinical depression because their spouse is emotionally abusing them and if you just accept their sample you can help save them from their miserable existence.

 

I disagree about why OW don't go to infidelity thread. The majority of OW are filled with shame and self hate. Totally aware of the BS and their pain, and are embarrassed and ashamed. They have believed WS imagery of their M and are Shocked, confused, and confronting the reality they have been led done a merry path by a person who gaslighted them, lied to them, deceived them for one purpose: to use them for whatever they wanted, mostly sex, then thrown them away liked a used piece of toliet paper, and essentially they were an unpaid hooked who never meant anything at all.

 

This week on the post secret blog near the bottom is an entry from a BS. It indicates that the BW is with WH. Have a look. It's pretty unreal.

 

 

 

 

In other forums I've gone to, the AP gets bashed, consistently, unrelentingly, without mercy or grace. I don't think that's productive. I try and get my point across with equal parts empathy and common sense, which is affairs hurt everyone, and nobody wins. They should come with a warning label that says: don't invest - you'll have buyer's regret! lol

 

The first thing that comes to mind is that the BS wants to blame the AP because it's easier than blaming the WS, with whom they share a life and may want to rebuild. Men are worse for this than women - a BH is on a freaking war path to annihilate the OM's life - blow up his house, key his car, take out a billboard, cut his wiener off... it's off the rails! BWs are more catty about it - I've seen a few get flayed. Worst one I ever saw, which would have been particularly painful for you NL, was that the BS wished the OW would be sterile. I don't wish my WH's xOW pain or hell, I wish her wisdom from the experience and a happy life with a single man.

 

It's all textbook, really. WS either stumbles into or actively preys upon AP who ends up never getting the WS in the end. I don't try and bash anyone but I also won't beat around the bush. I stumbled across LS looking for what the hell was going on in the heads of WSs and APs, not to find a place to commiserate with other BSs. I could not for the life of me figure out WTF these people are thinking. My WH's xOW is completely remorseless and spent over a year in bunny boiler mode. She was broken broken broken. Still is. But, she was before the affair, too - she was still legally married to her second husband, engaged to another man, banging a FWB coworker, and future faking with my husband. She was a wiling party. I am sympathetic to her pain, which I have no doubt is deep and very real, but I also have zero tolerance for any claims or even remote implication that she was purely a "victim" because unlike me, unlike ALL BSs, the AP, regardless of how charming or persistent the WS is, still has a choice, the ability to say no, the chance to stop it before it becomes an addiction... Maybe they should teach a class on infidelity in high school. "Affairs, drugs, and pyramid schemes: Just say NO."

 

I think the vast majority of affairs that are not strictly physical are opportunistic, not predatory. A perfect storm occurs (inappropriate flirting leads to more) and voila: affair. (I think a lot of OW would benefit from reading "NOT just friends" which kind of explains how specifically workplace affairs develop, but I digress...) I think of the opportunistic affair this way. When I'm trying to eat better and the Costco people accost me in the aisle with samples of delicious things in a toothpick or in a Dixie cup with a cute spoon that I know I should not eat, I can't realistically blame Costco for ruining my diet. I can regret my choice all I want but that does not make me a "victim." Do I feel empathy for the AP's pain? Yes. Do I feel like they are weak helpless victims? Not really, since most of them claim they never thought they could or would be the AP. See: cognitive dissonance.

 

So, should ALL the focus be on the WS? No. But it also should not be all on the AP either. The same way it takes two to break a marriage, it takes two to have an affair. Whatever the unfaithful partner's issues are that cause them to make bad life choices (narcissism, not enough attention at home, wanting more sex, being jealous of the time his wife spends with the kids, being mad about how much he works, whatever) is about how the WS feels. The AP is responsible for making a choice to engage - I'm sure there are few people on earth who have not been hit on by a married person at least once, and millions manage to say, "No!" even if the guy has abs of steel, a Grecian profile, laughs like Tom Hiddleston, and can lick his own eyebrows.

 

I think the reason APs don't spend as much time chilling in the BS or WS threads is because the same way it's easier for a BS to pretend it's all the APs fault, it's easier to cope without getting confirmation of their worst fears. Things like, the WS never stopped loving their BS, never meant to leave, always thought they would stop before it went too far, can't stand the pain they caused their BS, how they miss the AP but want their marriage back more, that they were in love with the way the AP made them feel but not in love with them the way you'd need to be to leave their spouse... Things like the BS wasn't physically unattractive, unintelligent, clingy or needy, a workaholic, a psycho... My WH claimed I was a sexless workaholic but neglected to mention that the only time he touched me at all was when he wanted sex and I worked to make extra money to support his drinking habit which was causing us to face bankruptcy at the time. Now, he just feels like a giant ball of sh*t (rightfully so) for the pain he caused our family and the OW. Affairs suck.

[Adoraxx]

This week on the post secret blog near the bottom is an entry from a BS. It indicates that the BW is with WH. Have a look. It's pretty unreal.

 

I've tried to find what you're mentioning but I'm not sure where to look?

[NewLeaf512]

I've tried to find what you're mentioning but I'm not sure where to look?

 

On the main page of the post secret website if you scroll all the way to the bottom there is a video. It's 2 up from the video

[Adoraxx]

On the main page of the post secret website if you scroll all the way to the bottom there is a video. It's 2 up from the video

 

OK I'll look for it