"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Anne5113]

New Leaf,

 

I can remember wondering why me? Why decide hey let me f' up this woman's life that is already struggling. I even called him out early on, but I also needed to be wrong and wanted him to make it ok, which he fed me a few apologies & that it wasn't what I thought. It sounds like you have endured so much more. I know the OW isn't supposed to matter once in R, but part of me would need to see my H have remorse for doing this to another person in order to ever think he could change. Emotions are crazy with initial discovery, but that's extreme.

[Lobe]

Excellent questions NewLeaf. WH and I both quit drinking once we were no longer self-medicating. We redid our finances, set up a savings, refinanced the mortgage, etc. He treats me like he did when we were 2-3 years into the marriage - we were solid, focused, a real team. We've been doing IC and MC, we have implemented weekly date night and 15 minutes of "us" time every day. I have my moments, as does he and as does the xOW I'm sure, but the frequency and severity dwindle as they should as we continue investing in having a "conscious" relationship. I'm sure that's not what the OW wants to hear - that things were never that bad, that the MM was lying about his bad it was, and we aren't struggling and on the brink of divorce...

 

It's important for me to stress that most WSs care about their AP, love the way the AP makes them feel but when it comes right down to it, they are not in love with the AP nor do they love them in a way that would lead to a relationship if the marriage were to dissolve. This is pretty consistent with the statistics, as well as the stories I've read here. The AP feels used because well... That's what the WS is doing. I hate that about my husband, and if he didn't hate that about himself, too, I don't think we would be here.

 

Do I need to know what he told xOW? Need, no. It's not a deal breaker. I got every grotesque detail I could about their sex life, I read every single text, email, and message they had exchanged, and I humiliated my husband by sending a CC'd message to her that before she met the kids she would have to meet me for coffee. Then, I forced my husband to say "I am leaving you because I am not in love with you anymore and I am in love with xOW" before I'd give him his car keys when he left to stay with family. I think we've both been tortured enough. "Don't look back - you're not going that way"

 

Your situation is a nightmare, NL. I'm so sorry you got tangled up in such a mess. Hugs to you.

[Lobe]

And Lobe- that you esp for being here. Your posts crack me up. (So not into fisting btw. I just learned how that happens recently. I used to think it was an actual fist. WTF.) And you have such compassion for everyone. I really appreciate it.

 

Rainbowkittens, I'd go slap your MM for ya if I could. What an ass. My WH was texting xOW during our holidays and on Christmas Day and of course once I figured it out in hindsight I was like, you SOB... How dare you take that time away from your f*cking kids you selfish pig...

 

Treat yourself better than he does.

 

By the way, she was also into facials, being gagged until she heaved during oral sex, being slapped, and various other aggressive sex acts. Like I said, to each their own but as a former battered wife and CSA survivor, there is nothing sexy about those things for me lol

[Grey Cloud]

Rainbowkittens, I'd go slap your MM for ya if I could. What an ass. My WH was texting xOW during our holidays and on Christmas Day and of course once I figured it out in hindsight I was like, you SOB... How dare you take that time away from your f*cking kids you selfish pig...

 

Treat yourself better than he does.

 

By the way, she was also into facials, being gagged until she heaved during oral sex, being slapped, and various other aggressive sex acts. Like I said, to each their own but as a former battered wife and CSA survivor, there is nothing sexy about those things for me lol

 

Yuk! She sounds like a nightmare! Does she think she is some p@rn star or something?! Kudos to you for staying with your husband and having to deal with all of that. You are a strong woman!! How long was your husbands affair and how long ago was d-day? man, affairs are such horrible things for all involved!!!!!!!

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's important for me to stress that most WSs care about their AP, love the way the AP makes them feel but when it comes right down to it, they are not in love with the AP nor do they love them in a way that would lead to a relationship if the marriage were to dissolve. This is pretty consistent with the statistics, as well as the stories I've read here. The AP feels used because well... That's what the WS is doing.

 

I do agree with this. Unfortunately, as I am talking about myself. xMM said he loved me for 2 years before we ever got involved, I barely knew him. Later he would say he was in love with me. Obviously throwing me under the bus says otherwise but there are more less obvious signs. After it was over, my H asked a million questions about him, questions to which I did not know the answer. We never talked about silly stuff, he never was interested in me as a person. Basic questions - what is my favorite color, ice cream, food, season, sport, childhoods, all the stuff a new couple talks about - we never did. I know very little. He never asked where I went to college or grad school, my major or even my maiden name - or my middle name.

 

One thing stands out in my memory - we used to have lunch or dinner a few times a year as part of our organization. After we started talking more, he said he always loved when he and I would have lunch/dinner in a restaurant because everyone looked at me, and then at him, because he was with me. He said he felt special and he never had that before in his life. At the time, I was puzzled as I am oblivious, I never see anyone looking at me, and okay, I am tall and I guess attractive, but I am not a supermodel. But now, a year plus later, I realize I was just an object to him. He loved the package, had no interest in who I was.

 

I guess that fits our theory that MM love the way AP make them feel. I made him feel like a rock star I suppose. It would be flattering except it's really not. I have a lot more to offer than just my appearance.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

By the way, she was also into facials, being gagged until she heaved during oral sex, being slapped, and various other aggressive sex acts. Like I said, to each their own but as a former battered wife and CSA survivor, there is nothing sexy about those things for me lol

 

I assume you do not mean facials, as in a spa.

 

I do not like any of that stuff and question a woman who does. Did you talk about these acts with your H? Is it something he likes?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I know my WH loved the xMOW. They had an A for 3 years. That in my eyes IS A RELATIONSHIP. I do think my WH loved me, but the pull of MOW was stronger for whatever reason.

 

I do believe in LTA's that the MM loves both, but obviously it is impossible to keep up with two separate lives and that is when all the chaos comes into the picture. It's like they are trying to water both sides of the grass but neither are getting any greener.

 

I agree, it is a relationship. I do believe people can love more than one person, I really do. But it hurts a lot.

 

Did you H leave for her? I do not know your story.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ok this is where I struggle because my xMM WAS getting sex with his wife at home on a regular basis. We didn't have sex until 8 months into the affair. If he was getting sex at home why did he chase me? All I can think of is that his wife was consumed with two young children and he could feel 'young' and free with me with no responsibility. And could keep the two worlds separate.

 

My xMM was not getting sex but it was a lot more than that. He wanted his W to put him first over their daughter. That sounds bad but he just wanted her time. I heard a lot about it. He did directly ask her and she said he would never be first. This was right before the A.

 

So he chased you because you probably put him first and gave him the attention he did not get at home. Do you have kids? Do you have a son? While men want sex and definitely cheat for sex, they also cheat for attention. They may not love the OW in the right way but they need her love. Its a replacement for the W, which is a replacement for mommy.

[Anne5113]

The confusion from the professed deep connection and love that quickly seems obviously untrue & the mission to figure out exactly why MM initiated a relationship and what it was in his mind, is more of the addiction than any other reason quite possibly. Sexless marriage? Boring sex with BS? BS cold and uncaring? Doesn't appreciate MM? MM just a psychopath? What is it, we MUST find an answer that is an explanation we can accept. I guess the cowardly actions of never saying what they intended from the beginning for the relationship to be could fuel this.

[NewLeaf512]

I just wanted to say that what this "man" did to you is truly horrible. I can see why you are so upset. I do understand why you feel like you love him and you probably hate yourself a little for it. A lot of us are like that. But what this guy did, pure evil.

 

As for what his wife feels taking him back, well look at it this way, you still love him and he was horrible to you. She is his wife, the bonds are deep and these guys spin a good story to explain, deflect and blame the spouse and AP for everything. She is probably very emotionally manipulated.

 

I totally understand this. That's what I mean about irrationality of feelings. My exMM had divorce papers drawn up and he served them on her. (I know this for a fact because I worked with his solicitor on the alimony calculation and the last time we spoke BS was there, crying and talking in the background and listening to our conversation. He said "I've told get everything, absolutely everything about the lawyer and asked for the divorce." ). I feel really badly for her and hope she can find happiness

[Ronnie33]

Hey ladies, I'm back. Work has been crazy but it's kept me busy at least.

 

It's been a week since I had contact with him. I know he won't text me because I told him not to and he said email me next week. I haven't. I know talking to him will only keep the pain going and anything he says won't make it any better.

 

I've read everything I missed and I will say that when my affair started I was the married one and he was in a new relationship with his now fiance. She was giving him plenty of sex. His emotional bond was with me, so as much sex as she was giving him didn't matter then, because then, she wasn't what he wanted. We didn't sleep together for two years into the affair. It was physical until then but I think we were both nervous about sex. It's a line that can't be uncrossed.

 

Anyway, I think a lot of MM are all the same and do seek out a OW. I also think though, that sometimes affairs happen, and two people really don't plan them.

My marriage was a mess and my AP's ex had just left him for another man. I literally became his therapist. I had no idea we were having an emotional affair, never heard the term. I guess in the beginning I could be seen as the MM. My marriage was a mess, my AP was broken hearted and we both leaned on eachother, without really realizing where it was leading. The perfect Storm.

 

Some married people seek out affairs, but not all. I couldnt leave my husband when this started, I had lost my job, my son was young and I was scared. Does that mean my feelings for AP weren't real? No. I just wasn't ready to risk it all, on something I didn't know was going to make it. I had a child to look out for and I couldn't just up and leave and in with AP. I hadn't even spent a night with him yet. I just knew I felt deeply for hm.

 

I left for myself two years later but by that time he moved on. I don't blame him, just like we tell the OW on here "don't wait around for MM, they never leave" he probably felt the same way. The attachment stayed with him though and the affair continued. I believe he loves us both, but it doesn't matter because he didn't pick me, he picked her.

 

So it doesn't matter if the feeling are real. If you aren't going to be with that person, then all the feelings in the world won't change that.

Edited August 20, 2016 by Ronnie33

[ladydesigner]

I agree, it is a relationship. I do believe people can love more than one person, I really do. But it hurts a lot.

 

Did you H leave for her? I do not know your story.

 

No he didn't which makes it all that more horrible for everyone. It's not like I'm all that ecstatic that he wants to work on the M. I'm not sure how I feel about it now. He used the same tactics on both of us, He would love bomb me when I would pull away, then love bomb MOW when she pulled away. After a while I just wanted to be let go, if he wanted MOW, but he didn't do that he toyed with both of us.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Rainbowkittens, I'd go slap your MM for ya if I could. What an ass. My WH was texting xOW during our holidays and on Christmas Day and of course once I figured it out in hindsight I was like, you SOB... How dare you take that time away from your f*cking kids you selfish pig...

 

Treat yourself better than he does.

 

By the way, she was also into facials, being gagged until she heaved during oral sex, being slapped, and various other aggressive sex acts. Like I said, to each their own but as a former battered wife and CSA survivor, there is nothing sexy about those things for me lol

 

 

Well to be fair xMM didn't text me a lot on this vacation- just a few pictures and towards the end maybe once a week or so. I heard from him more around Christmas and he did text me at midnight (his time. He's in another country) on NYE. He was always very clear about his time with his kids and family time. The first time we "broke up" was because his son was in the hospital and he was texting me the whole time telling me what was happening and what happened etc. A few days later he ended it with me bc he said he realized that he was talking to me more than to the mother of his son and felt terrible about it.

 

 

Let's be honest though- I was his 4th affair. His feeling terrible is sort of bs. I have no doubt I'm not his last either. the last time he was here we talked about him meeting someone else. And he didn't deny it possibly happening. He just said he was 'really trying' to work on his relationship. The thought of that makes me sad- his finding another AP, not his working on his relationship- bc it means even more how little I meant to him and how truly awful he is.

 

Facials and gagging and slapping, oh my!

 

Grey cloud: I know for sure that I was xMM's relief from his normal life. I am in another country and when he's here he's free. He can get up early, stay up late, drink and have fun with no responsibility other than work. It's a vacation every time. I also was his sounding board for work. Just another way he used me. Or I allowed myself to be used.

 

Today is hard. I miss him and keep wondering if he even noticed l, what's he's thinking, if I'll ever speak to him again. Thinking about the things he said and did-'good and bad. Ugh. I feel so drained. So worthless. And it's all my own fault.

 

This is an interesting thread about feelings for the AP. At some point I thought I had feelings for him and he for me- even though he would never use the L Word he said other things that he said he was more comfortable with. But it was all fake. The last time I saw him he told me not to be in love with him. Which, I'm not. But I guess its clear he felt I was way more into him than he was to me.

 

Anne- I totally agree. I've spent a lot of time wondering why he does this over and over. I know his father was a cheater. But wouldn't that make you LESS inclined to do it? It's a useless exercise to try and figure it out.

[Grey Cloud]

Well to be fair xMM didn't text me a lot on this vacation- just a few pictures and towards the end maybe once a week or so. I heard from him more around Christmas and he did text me at midnight (his time. He's in another country) on NYE. He was always very clear about his time with his kids and family time. The first time we "broke up" was because his son was in the hospital and he was texting me the whole time telling me what was happening and what happened etc. A few days later he ended it with me bc he said he realized that he was talking to me more than to the mother of his son and felt terrible about it.

 

 

Let's be honest though- I was his 4th affair. His feeling terrible is sort of bs. I have no doubt I'm not his last either. the last time he was here we talked about him meeting someone else. And he didn't deny it possibly happening. He just said he was 'really trying' to work on his relationship. The thought of that makes me sad- his finding another AP, not his working on his relationship- bc it means even more how little I meant to him and how truly awful he is.

 

Facials and gagging and slapping, oh my!

 

Grey cloud: I know for sure that I was xMM's relief from his normal life. I am in another country and when he's here he's free. He can get up early, stay up late, drink and have fun with no responsibility other than work. It's a vacation every time. I also was his sounding board for work. Just another way he used me. Or I allowed myself to be used.

 

Today is hard. I miss him and keep wondering if he even noticed l, what's he's thinking, if I'll ever speak to him again. Thinking about the things he said and did-'good and bad. Ugh. I feel so drained. So worthless. And it's all my own fault.

 

This is an interesting thread about feelings for the AP. At some point I thought I had feelings for him and he for me- even though he would never use the L Word he said other things that he said he was more comfortable with. But it was all fake. The last time I saw him he told me not to be in love with him. Which, I'm not. But I guess its clear he felt I was way more into him than he was to me.

 

Anne- I totally agree. I've spent a lot of time wondering why he does this over and over. I know his father was a cheater. But wouldn't that make you LESS inclined to do it? It's a useless exercise to try and figure it out.

 

Rainbow - yes, I definitely agree with the escape aspect with no responsibilities. Wow, I can't believe you are his 4th affair? Does his wife know about any of them?

 

My xmm's father also was a cheater. He talked to me about it - he actually walked in when he was younger with his father in bed with another woman and how is Mum buried her feelings and maintained the facade of marriage. He vowed never to be a cheater and here he was cheating with me!! He said that he felt his dad was never in love with his mum but the difference was that HE married for love. And yet even though he loved his wife he still had an affair! I also know his best friend cheats on his wife so I guess if you surrounded by all these people close to you that do it, it makes it easier to justify the behaviour?

 

I went to a quiz night last night - fundraising for my kids' school. There were all these married couples in the room and I spent the night wondering how many were having affairs (not with each other just in general!). How crazy is that! A couple of years ago that thought would never have crossed my mind. But now I have been in one I wonder how common it is and how many other people have got caught up in one. It actually made me sad - seeing all these seemingly happy married couples and knowing there were probably a few dark secrets amongst some of them I think I have been scarred by all of this for sure!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hey ladies, I'm back. Work has been crazy but it's kept me busy at least.

 

It's been a week since I had contact with him. I know he won't text me because I told him not to and he said email me next week. I haven't. I know talking to him will only keep the pain going and anything he says won't make it any better.

 

I've read everything I missed and I will say that when my affair started I was the married one and he was in a new relationship with his now fiance. She was giving him plenty of sex. His emotional bond was with me, so as much sex as she was giving him didn't matter then, because then, she wasn't what he wanted. We didn't sleep together for two years into the affair. It was physical until then but I think we were both nervous about sex. It's a line that can't be uncrossed.

 

Anyway, I think a lot of MM are all the same and do seek out a OW. I also think though, that sometimes affairs happen, and two people really don't plan them.

My marriage was a mess and my AP's ex had just left him for another man. I literally became his therapist. I had no idea we were having an emotional affair, never heard the term. I guess in the beginning I could be seen as the MM. My marriage was a mess, my AP was broken hearted and we both leaned on eachother, without really realizing where it was leading. The perfect Storm.

 

Some married people seek out affairs, but not all. I couldnt leave my husband when this started, I had lost my job, my son was young and I was scared. Does that mean my feelings for AP weren't real? No. I just wasn't ready to risk it all, on something I didn't know was going to make it. I had a child to look out for and I couldn't just up and leave and in with AP. I hadn't even spent a night with him yet. I just knew I felt deeply for hm.

 

I left for myself two years later but by that time he moved on. I don't blame him, just like we tell the OW on here "don't wait around for MM, they never leave" he probably felt the same way. The attachment stayed with him though and the affair continued. I believe he loves us both, but it doesn't matter because he didn't pick me, he picked her.

 

So it doesn't matter if the feeling are real. If you aren't going to be with that person, then all the feelings in the world won't change that.

 

Hi Ronnie. I am glad you are not talking to him. I will admit, your story is different and I do kind of see it. Unlike a lot of these guys, he probably have real feelings for you but you are right, what does it matter, he is about to marry her. I will tell you that it is a really bad way to start a marriage. You should continue to keep NC, don't waste your life waiting to see if he will divorce her. He may, he may not but you may waste years on this. And one day he may just vanish. Keep up the good work.

 

For what it is worth, I'm with you in ignoring him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

I went to a quiz night last night - fundraising for my kids' school. There were all these married couples in the room and I spent the night wondering how many were having affairs (not with each other just in general!). How crazy is that! A couple of years ago that thought would never have crossed my mind. But now I have been in one I wonder how common it is and how many other people have got caught up in one. It actually made me sad - seeing all these seemingly happy married couples and knowing there were probably a few dark secrets amongst some of them I think I have been scarred by all of this for sure!

 

I now think of that too. I also wonder at who is in a sexless marriage. I see all the couples in my neighborhood and I wonder....what is really going on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

No he didn't which makes it all that more horrible for everyone. It's not like I'm all that ecstatic that he wants to work on the M. I'm not sure how I feel about it now. He used the same tactics on both of us, He would love bomb me when I would pull away, then love bomb MOW when she pulled away. After a while I just wanted to be let go, if he wanted MOW, but he didn't do that he toyed with both of us.

 

xMM did that too. Lovebomb. I have no idea what went on in his house after he told her, but I know he was trying to build back his marriage and the relationship with me at the same time in June. Trying to get it all back to where it was last year.

 

He had me really convinced that it was me not letting go, but after him sending a pointless email on Friday, a hook so to speak, I know it's him. He just does a good job at making me think it's me.

 

Toy is the perfect word. I've now removed myself from the equation.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about all the things xMM did to me which showed he never really loved or respected me. He was good at justifying them all, you know how these guys are.

 

But I decided the one which really cannot be explained away is that after his D Day, he gave his wife the password to the gmail he had set up only for me. It's not so much that he did that but he didn't tell me. He allowed me to email him but did not respond. I did not get it, and asked him (because he would respond on his work email and his text but not the gmail, which I thought was the actual private email). He lied that he had deleted it, but I knew he didn't because it would have bounced back.

 

Months later, he admitted she was monitoring him and that email to see if he communicated with me. He said he would delete the emails I sent but I don't buy it. I know (because she told my H) that he said I was the pursuer, and I think he allowed her to read my highly emotional emails as some sort of proof that I was the aggressor. But he would email me back from his work email or text - that part of course she did not know. SO she only saw me emailing him and would assume he was not responding.

 

He could have just told me that she had the password. Instead I feel like I was set up, to let him off the hook in her eyes, and I feel really embarrassed that she read my crazy emails. I was really a mess in January and February. I really believe this to be true.

 

I'm not sure if anyone can follow my logic. But it makes me feel 100% fine about ignoring him now. Especially after him emailing me Friday, after saying he understood that I needed to back off from all this.

 

He never loved me, he just loved the way I made him feel. Someone said that here last week. And I believe it to be true. 100%

[Onlywhenitrains]

I've been following this thread since it started, and find it both comforting and heartbreaking. My story is posted on my thread. Nothing unique, nothing special.

 

I'm just trying to move on. It's hard. It's one step forward, 10 steps back. I don't want to give up of setting myself free from him and toxic, emotional roller coaster, self-destructive affair we had.

 

I don't have any wisdom to offer on how to break free. Wish I did. All I know, it takes time, patience, and remembering who you were before he came into your life. Regardless of circumstances in your life then. I need to remember all the good, the bad, and the ugly before he walked into my life, and start dealing with and solving those issues that made me allow him to be part of my life.

 

He was not and is not the solution to any of those. I am. I just have to find the way.

Edited August 22, 2016 by Onlywhenitrains

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've been following this thread since it started, and find it both comforting and heartbreaking. My story is posted on my thread. Nothing unique, nothing special.

 

I'm just trying to move on. It's hard. It's one step forward, 10 steps back. I don't want to give up of setting myself free from him and toxic, emotional roller coaster, self-destructive affair we had.

 

I don't have any wisdom to offer on how to break free. Wish I did. All I know, it takes time, patience, and remembering who you were before he came into your life. Regardless of circumstances in your life then. I need to remember all the good, the bad, and the ugly before he walked into my life, and start dealing with and solving those issues that made me allow him to be part of my life.

 

He was not and is not the solution to any of those. I am. I just have to find the way.

 

I am trying to move on as well. I really have nothing to say, which in itself is a good thing. I think what is important to think about are two things - what have you learned from this experience and how has it changed you?

[imperfectangel]

I don't feel like I've learnt anything good for my a other than not to do it.

 

It's all negative for me right now

[rainbowsandkittens]

Rainbow - yes, I definitely agree with the escape aspect with no responsibilities. Wow, I can't believe you are his 4th affair? Does his wife know about any of them?

 

My xmm's father also was a cheater. He talked to me about it - he actually walked in when he was younger with his father in bed with another woman and how is Mum buried her feelings and maintained the facade of marriage. He vowed never to be a cheater and here he was cheating with me!! He said that he felt his dad was never in love with his mum but the difference was that HE married for love. And yet even though he loved his wife he still had an affair! I also know his best friend cheats on his wife so I guess if you surrounded by all these people close to you that do it, it makes it easier to justify the behaviour?

 

I went to a quiz night last night - fundraising for my kids' school. There were all these married couples in the room and I spent the night wondering how many were having affairs (not with each other just in general!). How crazy is that! A couple of years ago that thought would never have crossed my mind. But now I have been in one I wonder how common it is and how many other people have got caught up in one. It actually made me sad - seeing all these seemingly happy married couples and knowing there were probably a few dark secrets amongst some of them I think I have been scarred by all of this for sure!

 

I was thinking about it and I can't remember if I was 3 or 4. I forget the timeline but one was when his daughter was a baby and he was in graduate school. And a more minor one was when they were first dating and he was out of the country. He said that was more of a flirtation. I can't remember when the other more traditional one was. He lied to me (SHOCKING!) when he first told me about them; he said it was probably bc he was fooling himself and trying to not appear as big a douche (my word) as he actually is.

 

 

I don't think she knows. He mentioned to me that she would kill us both if she knew. And she hated someone that she felt he had a flirtation with online (which he said was innocent and I'm not so sure.) He painted her as someone pretty unstable, prone to violent outbursts and very protective. Bits and pieces of things he told me make her sound like a a totally normal person with normal complaints and issues. But who knows.

 

It's hard realizing I'm probably never going to speak to him again. But having him blocked feels so good. There's no torturing myself looking at his social media or wondering when or if he's going to contact me. I was watching something this weekend and one of the characters was upset about a guy not texting her and her friend reminded her that if he wanted to he knew how to reach her. For a week (and, let's be honest, a lot longer than that) I made every excuse why he wasn't contacting me, afraid of letting go and making it hard to get in touch. But the truth is: if he wanted to talk to me, he would have. He's exactly where he wants to be with exactly who he wants to be with.

 

I would like the anger to come.

[rainbowsandkittens]

He just does a good job at making me think it's me.

 

Mine did this to me about so much. This seems like a common trait. I would guess bc they can't take responsibility for anything. They blame their spouses for going outside the marraige and their APs for tempting them into an affair. Gross.

[Lobe]

I assume you do not mean facials, as in a spa.

 

I do not like any of that stuff and question a woman who does. Did you talk about these acts with your H? Is it something he likes?

 

This issue is all still up for debate lol. According to him, he liked some of it, some of it not so much - but he says he mostly liked the way she made him feel - wanted, admired, interesting, and sexually desirable. It's funny - in reading his xOW's blog, it sounds almost like she sculpted herself (love bombed him) to be everything I was not (according to my WH's skewed description of us to garner her sympathy) and was mad it still wasn't "enough" to "win" him.

 

Ronnie, kudos to you for sticking to your resolve.

 

rainbowkitteh, don't wonder if he's thinking of you, you'll just make yourself crazy

 

onlywhenitrains, rollercoaster is a term that often comes up when discussing my life post-affair, only slightly less than train wreck. Eventually you'll be making 10 steps forward and only 1 step back.

 

I try and not wonder how many people are in sexless marriages or affairs - it's too depressing

[rainbowsandkittens]

This issue is all still up for debate lol. According to him, he liked some of it, some of it not so much - but he says he mostly liked the way she made him feel - wanted, admired, interesting, and sexually desirable. It's funny - in reading his xOW's blog, it sounds almost like she sculpted herself (love bombed him) to be everything I was not (according to my WH's skewed description of us to garner her sympathy) and was mad it still wasn't "enough" to "win" him.

 

 

rainbowkitteh, don't wonder if he's thinking of you, you'll just make yourself crazy

 

I call BS on that. I think if he really didn't like it he wouldn't have done it. I think it's convenient for him to say, "AP liked it. I just went along with it." So you didn't think less of him.

 

My AP had a thing he liked that he would hint at and when asked would backtrack. He only really approached it when we were drunk. I think if we were together longer he would have finally had the courage to ask me to do it. I know he constantly compared me to his partner in the "she would never do this for me. She didn't like it when we did that" etc sort of way. My guess is that he would not ask her for the thing he mentioned to me. Then again after 15+ years they've probably done it all. Lol.

 

Oh, I'm trying not to think about that. Besides, I know the answer.