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"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

Lostgirl186

By Lostgirl186,
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Chica80

Chica80

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I think one of the reasons we get so hooked, is because in our minds we wouldn't be doing all these immoral things, if it wasn't real love.

 

Wow!!!!!!! Totally hit the nail Ronnie

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Ronnie33

Ronnie33

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Well I say no contact to me no: calls, text, email, seeing each other, smoke signals or any other kind of contact. NC is NC. Anything else is contact or low contact.

 

There are people on this thread almost 2 years past DDAY. On infidelity 25 years past. Why do you suggest I shouldn't come here anymore? What makes me different?

 

She never said you shouldn't come here. She said at some point LS can become unhealthy. I think she means because it can keep triggering people that are trying to move on.

 

You seem alittle defensive. No one here is trying to be judge mental with you.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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Well I say no contact to me no: calls, text, email, seeing each other, smoke signals or any other kind of contact. NC is NC. Anything else is contact or low contact.

 

There are people on this thread almost 2 years past DDAY. On infidelity 25 years past. Why do you suggest I shouldn't come here anymore? What makes me different?

 

I didn't mean you specifically. I was just musing, about myself more, as in - is it good to come here daily and talk about xMM. Relax, I don't even know you. I was not giving you any advice at all. I don't even know your story.

 

I am not familiar with people on this thread that long D Day. The current posters seem to be still in the flux with their AP, two posters have AP about to get married.

 

Regardless, I was just posting. This thread is laid back.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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I think one of the reasons we get so hooked, is because in our minds we wouldn't be doing all these immoral things, if it wasn't real love.

 

I cannot explain it and believe me, I have tried, I have no idea how I fell in love with this guy. I swear, it was someone I knew for years, zero attraction, he said he loved me and did a good job on me. I have no idea how I ended up having sex with him on the second "date" and then being all in love. It's as if I was hypnotized. I swear, I was having issues at home, playing around - I didn't like this guy at all. Its so odd, I hate it.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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Triggers....yes lots of triggers. I still have to see him for one. That's hard. Certain songs, or anniversary of things.

 

When we are in a social setting his wife smiles at me gives me a hug. Or clings on to him for dear life. And I see him trying not to do things "to hurt me" ya big triggers!!!

 

I can't believe you have to see them together. I don't even go to the area in my state where they live. It must kill you.

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NewLeaf512

NewLeaf512

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I didn't mean you specifically. I was just musing, about myself more, as in - is it good to come here daily and talk about xMM. Relax, I don't even know you. I was not giving you any advice at all. I don't even know your story.

 

I am not familiar with people on this thread that long D Day. The current posters seem to be still in the flux with their AP, two posters have AP about to get married.

 

Regardless, I was just posting. This thread is laid back.

 

I'm not feeling you judging me, genuinely was curious. Actually I've had the same feeling re: unhealthy. I've gone a month without posting before.

 

Like most people I come here for lots of reasons. One is that there aren't many OW completely NC for more than a year. It's a question that gets asked a lot by new OW members, does anyone succeed at NC and for how long?

 

NC saved my life, my dignity and my mind, but it isn't the magic eraser I hoped for.

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Ronnie33

Ronnie33

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I have realized that attention from the wrong or right person, when you are having problems at home, is like leaving the door open.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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I'm not feeling you judging me, genuinely was curious. Actually I've had the same feeling re: unhealthy. I've gone a month without posting before.

 

Like most people I come here for lots of reasons. One is that there aren't many OW completely NC for more than a year. It's a question that gets asked a lot by new OW members, does anyone succeed at NC and for how long?

 

NC saved my life, my dignity and my mind, but it isn't the magic eraser I hoped for.

 

Well, I don't post about this much, because people go crazy on me, but way back when, before I met my H, I had an A for 3 years. The guy did leave but it was so shady and in the end, I moved and went NC. I was single and honestly, I was over the MM in about 3 months. THen I met my now H and I swear, I never looked back. So when you posted you have been in NC for so long, I can't help but wonder, what is going on (or not going on) in your life to prevent you from moving on?

 

For me, I moved and changed jobs. I traveled, I dated. WHat is your life life? Are you single or married? If you are married, I can see being stuck. Single is easier.

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Ronnie33

Ronnie33

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I'm not feeling you judging me, genuinely was curious. Actually I've had the same feeling re: unhealthy. I've gone a month without posting before.

 

Like most people I come here for lots of reasons. One is that there aren't many OW completely NC for more than a year. It's a question that gets asked a lot by new OW members, does anyone succeed at NC and for how long?

 

NC saved my life, my dignity and my mind, but it isn't the magic eraser I hoped for.

 

What you went through was traumatizing. What your AP did was awful, especially after being your friend for so long. I don't blame you for not being completely over it, I don't if anyone would.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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I have realized that attention from the wrong or right person, when you are having problems at home, is like leaving the door open.

 

You are 100% correct. Right now I am not receptive to it. I just ignore guys who message me or flirt. I am not available. But my door was open last year and it attracted someone also going through a bad time. He told me, he had been looking for an affair for 5 years. I could have been anyone.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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What you went through was traumatizing. What your AP did was awful, especially after being your friend for so long. I don't blame you for not being completely over it, I don't if anyone would.

 

I remember now. Yes, that is traumatizing. I agree.

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Ronnie33

Ronnie33

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You are 100% correct. Right now I am not receptive to it. I just ignore guys who message me or flirt. I am not available. But my door was open last year and it attracted someone also going through a bad time. He told me, he had been looking for an affair for 5 years. I could have been anyone.

 

My door was open and so was his and he's marrying someone else. Now I need to nail that door shut and put a lock on it.

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NewLeaf512

NewLeaf512

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Well, I don't post about this much, because people go crazy on me, but way back when, before I met my H, I had an A for 3 years. The guy did leave but it was so shady and in the end, I moved and went NC. I was single and honestly, I was over the MM in about 3 months. THen I met my now H and I swear, I never looked back. So when you posted you have been in NC for so long, I can't help but wonder, what is going on (or not going on) in your life to prevent you from moving on?

 

For me, I moved and changed jobs. I traveled, I dated. WHat is your life life? Are you single or married? If you are married, I can see being stuck. Single is easier.

 

I don't want to take over with a huge rewrite of my story so here is the short.

 

Like you xMM and I were friends for a decade including during my H suicide. He lied to our whole office saying he was getting divorced, told me he was in love with me and we were together over a year when I found out.

 

I'm single.

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Chica80

Chica80

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I can't believe you have to see them together. I don't even go to the area in my state where they live. It must kill you.

 

YES it does. I feel like the biggest hypocrite and liar. Especially because she seems so nice and so unfair to her.

 

But painful for me. About a month or two ago went out for friend/co worker bday. We all went to dinner. We were sitting down me on one side of him she on the other. I thought isn't this ironic. We he and I were talking then she turned to me and asked me a question. I never know how to respond. It is the most awful weird thing.

 

I can tell you other crazy stories.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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I don't want to take over with a huge rewrite of my story so here is the short.

 

Like you xMM and I were friends for a decade including during my H suicide. He lied to our whole office saying he was getting divorced, told me he was in love with me and we were together over a year when I found out.

 

I'm single.

 

It's okay. This is a thread with no point and any point. Think of it as a giant conversation. You can say whatever you want. It's free therapy.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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I don't want to take over with a huge rewrite of my story so here is the short.

 

Like you xMM and I were friends for a decade including during my H suicide. He lied to our whole office saying he was getting divorced, told me he was in love with me and we were together over a year when I found out.

 

I'm single.

 

And that is despicable. I am sure you are also dealing with your H's suicide. I am so sorry.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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YES it does. I feel like the biggest hypocrite and liar. Especially because she seems so nice and so unfair to her.

 

But painful for me. About a month or two ago went out for friend/co worker bday. We all went to dinner. We were sitting down me on one side of him she on the other. I thought isn't this ironic. We he and I were talking then she turned to me and asked me a question. I never know how to respond. It is the most awful weird thing.

 

I can tell you other crazy stories.

 

Who are these people? Friends? Coworkers? Its toxic.

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NewLeaf512

NewLeaf512

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And that is despicable. I am sure you are also dealing with your H's suicide. I am so sorry.

 

A little more news, I'm better. He has done weird stuff in the past month like unblocking me on messenger but I don't react.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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My door was open and so was his and he's marrying someone else. Now I need to nail that door shut and put a lock on it.

 

I'm almost there. I will tell you this - once you do it, the love is gone but so is the pain. It is somewhat empty as you get used to the pain. I used to listen to these songs on youtube, especially "I love you, I hate you" and now I skip over them. I guess you could say I feel rather "blank". But its better than pain.

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MidnightBlue1980

MidnightBlue1980

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A little more news, I'm better. He has done weird stuff in the past month like unblocking me on messenger but I don't react.

 

I'm guessing he spun a good tale about why he lied. They all do. I really hope you stick with NC. He probably feels like a POS and will eventually reach out to make himself feel better.

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Ronnie33

Ronnie33

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The first year of our affair, my AP would ask me to show up places they were to hang out. Like a bar, beach, things like that so he could introduce us. I said "doesn't that make you uncomfortable? What if she senses something" he said "she won't"

 

I told my best friend and she said "he gets off on the secrecy of you being there and she doesn't know" how messed up is that.

 

I never did it. I couldn't look at her and didn't want to see her. Plus my husband and I were together back then and if he ever sensed something, he would have thrown AP over the table lol

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Chica80

Chica80

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Who are these people? Friends? Coworkers? Its toxic.

 

We work together it's a small dept. I was married (posted my story in its own thread). Had started to become friends outside of wrk. They got engaged the day she moved in. Went to their engagement party. Invited to wedding.

My marriage fell apart. Not due to the affair but it added to it. He got married.

 

I'm sure everyone suspected something was going on between us. Only one person actually knew a mutual friend.

After he got married I said it was done I wasn't going to anymore, but not so easy. Or I just wasn't ready?

 

Alot of times we will be out in social situations together work people.

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NewLeaf512

NewLeaf512

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I'm guessing he spun a good tale about why he lied. They all do. I really hope you stick with NC. He probably feels like a POS and will eventually reach out to make himself feel better.

 

I'll never break NC. For all I know the unblocking was accidental. What I do know is this: no matter how much I loved him or thought I did, what he did to me was so cruel, so dehumanising, so unbelievably inhumane, there is no forgiving, no forgetting, and no way back. Ever.

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NewLeaf512

NewLeaf512

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And just to add, he doesn't need to feel better because he never felt bad. He cake ate and got away with it.

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