"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[lemondrop21]

I just pulled up his number and was about to text him and got a massive panic attack before I hit send. I started sweating, my stomach started to hurt and I shut my phone fast.

 

This just shows how insane these relationships are. A panic attack before texting someone, and why is that? Because you know the contact is bad for you.

 

I need a Xanax

Been there done that, know the feeling exactly.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm still catching up but last time mm came over he came before I even touched him. Wth is that?!?!

 

That happened the first time. He came on my thigh. He hadn't had sex in 3 years, maybe that is why.

 

Here is what bothers me - first about him, he is obviously in such a dysfunctional relationship, but he wanted to stay. Why? I mean I know why, his reasons were his daughter, vows, he can't abandon her, money, his house (what is it with men and real estate btw). I don't know.

 

And then about me, why I am still lamenting the loss of such a broken and bad person - when I am married to a good guy? What is wrong with me and how can I fix it? Because I don't want to feel like this anymore.

[Ronnie33]

That happened the first time. He came on my thigh. He hadn't had sex in 3 years, maybe that is why.

 

Here is what bothers me - first about him, he is obviously in such a dysfunctional relationship, but he wanted to stay. Why? I mean I know why, his reasons were his daughter, vows, he can't abandon her, money, his house (what is it with men and real estate btw). I don't know.

 

And then about me, why I am still lamenting the loss of such a broken and bad person - when I am married to a good guy? What is wrong with me and how can I fix it? Because I don't want to feel like this anymore.

 

My AP is not a bad person but I feel the same way in the sense of "why am I holding on to someone, who chose someone else"

 

When I was younger I never messed around with men that had girlfriends. My favorite saying was "why would I want someone else's man, when I could have my own"

 

Yet here I am. I was smarter when I was younger, are we supposed to get wiser with age lol

[Chica80]

That happened the first time. He came on my thigh. He hadn't had sex in 3 years, maybe that is why.

 

Here is what bothers me - first about him, he is obviously in such a dysfunctional relationship, but he wanted to stay. Why? I mean I know why, his reasons were his daughter, vows, he can't abandon her, money, his house (what is it with men and real estate btw). I don't know.

 

And then about me, why I am still lamenting the loss of such a broken and bad person - when I am married to a good guy? What is wrong with me and how can I fix it? Because I don't want to feel like this anymore.

 

 

MB why did you have an affair in the first place? I forget was it open or revenge A?

 

I believe we get into relationships to help us heal things that are broken inside us? Or to reflect things we believe about ourselves subconsciously. He hurt you and used you..that is hard to get over.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My AP is not a bad person but I feel the same way in the sense of "why am I holding on to someone, who chose someone else"

 

When I was younger I never messed around with men that had girlfriends. My favorite saying was "why would I want someone else's man, when I could have my own"

 

Yet here I am. I was smarter when I was younger, are we supposed to get wiser with age lol

 

I am glad you did not text him Ronnie. Don't do it. You will only go back to square one. Believe me, I understand the pull.

[Ronnie33]

I am glad you did not text him Ronnie. Don't do it. You will only go back to square one. Believe me, I understand the pull.

 

Me too, that was a bad moment but it passed. I never had a reaction like that though, I guess it was what I needed.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MB why did you have an affair in the first place? I forget was it open or revenge A?

 

I believe we get into relationships to help us heal things that are broken inside us? Or to reflect things we believe about ourselves subconsciously. He hurt you and used you..that is hard to get over.

 

Yes. He hurt me and used me, and now wants me to just get over it and be friends again, so he can enjoy his weekly meetings. My ignoring him bothers him. I know because he told me. He feels uncomfortable.

 

Why did I have an affair? My H was a SATD for 7 years and the financial burden on me was immense. I was working a full time job and my own business, I worked all the time. My marriage was in a bad spot. We were very separate and alone from each other and the kids were all consuming. I would imagine it is the same old story for a lot of married couples. No relationship and no communication. I told H how I was feeling but it fell on deaf ears. At the time he had already met someone, but I was unaware.

 

Why xMM? Because he reached out and texted me that he had been in love with me since the day he met me, which was two years earlier at that point. We started communicating more and he confided his own marital issues, how unhappy he was, roommate marriage, he thought he married the wrong person. I got to know him, he played on my marital issues and my personality to get me to give him pity sex, and I got hooked. It really would have been anyone who showed me attention. I had been alone for years.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Me too, that was a bad moment but it passed. I never had a reaction like that though, I guess it was what I needed.

 

I had a panic attack over xMM as well. I was with my family and saw a guy at a table in a restaurant who looked like him. We had to leave. It was scary.

[rainbowsandkittens]

It's not like I am rehashing the actual A from last fall/winter. It makes me feel better.

 

 

I think the same thing about posting all the time. My friends, my therapist; they think I should stop bc it's keeping me engaged- in my thoughts- with someone who is so unhealthy for me. And I've had a lot of negative thoughts about myself from being here. At one point I read an BS call OW "low hanging fruit" and it's something that's stuck with me. (Can't remember if I posted about that already.)

 

But, in all honesty, I do think you rehash your A here. I'm not judging it at all- god, can any of us?- but just thought maybe you should have more awareness about it. Are you in IC? I can't remember.

 

I think all of us have that moment- even if we're not married- of "Why am I wasting my time on someone who treats me worse than dirt on their shoe rather than putting our time into someone good who really loves us?" We can't help our feelings. We need to just embrace them and find a way through.

 

RE: The sex stuff. I never once got off. I have NEVER had that with anyone else. I don't know what it was. It's not that it didn't feel good. But in all the sex we had (and for the amount of time we actually got to spend together it was A LOT) I never once had an O. I thought he knew that but the last time I saw him I said something about it and he seemed surprised. Oops. LOL. I am impressed with his stamina though. For a 40 year old guy he can certainly get it up a lot- even if it goes down a lot too. lol. It was so funny bc he would swear there were things he wasn't into- anal, a threesome- but still brought them up all the time. Like, he thought the more he said it I would try and change his mind. Sorry, Buddy. That's a hard no. Better luck with the next girl.

 

Ronnie- sending you positive thoughts! So glad you closed the phone! I had extreme anxiety/ panic attacks with regards to my AP. It's so hard to reconcile having feelings for someone who causes us such pain. Please be gentle with yourself. Talk to us as much as you need to!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I think the same thing about posting all the time. My friends, my therapist; they think I should stop bc it's keeping me engaged- in my thoughts- with someone who is so unhealthy for me. And I've had a lot of negative thoughts about myself from being here. At one point I read an BS call OW "low hanging fruit" and it's something that's stuck with me. (Can't remember if I posted about that already.)

 

But, in all honesty, I do think you rehash your A here. I'm not judging it at all- god, can any of us?- but just thought maybe you should have more awareness about it. Are you in IC? I can't remember.

 

I think all of us have that moment- even if we're not married- of "Why am I wasting my time on someone who treats me worse than dirt on their shoe rather than putting our time into someone good who really loves us?" We can't help our feelings. We need to just embrace them and find a way through.

 

RE: The sex stuff. I never once got off. I have NEVER had that with anyone else. I don't know what it was. It's not that it didn't feel good. But in all the sex we had (and for the amount of time we actually got to spend together it was A LOT) I never once had an O. I thought he knew that but the last time I saw him I said something about it and he seemed surprised. Oops. LOL. I am impressed with his stamina though. For a 40 year old guy he can certainly get it up a lot- even if it goes down a lot too. lol. It was so funny bc he would swear there were things he wasn't into- anal, a threesome- but still brought them up all the time. Like, he thought the more he said it I would try and change his mind. Sorry, Buddy. That's a hard no. Better luck with the next girl.

 

Ronnie- sending you positive thoughts! So glad you closed the phone! I had extreme anxiety/ panic attacks with regards to my AP. It's so hard to reconcile having feelings for someone who causes us such pain. Please be gentle with yourself. Talk to us as much as you need to!

 

I guess I do talk about the A a lot. I also talk about it with a friend IRL pretty often, he knows xMM. There is really nothing for him to say anymore though. There is nothing for anyone to say.

 

I am not in IC. I was but she said I could not get better still seeing him. Eventually I was just rehashing the same thing over and over, like I do here. Right now I don't have money for IC and I'm not sure what I would even say that has not been said a million times over.

[Ronnie33]

I think a lot of us rehash because it's our way of dealing and trying to make sense. Plus most of us here are still in the affair or just getting out and we need the support. It's nice to know that someone else understands your pain. I find myself on here, going through old posts and readind also. Any insight or advice that can be helpful, so I don't feel so alone.

 

I have taken a lot of breaks from here, over the past two years. I come back when I need it and I leave when I don't.

[Lobe]

I think a lot of us rehash because it's our way of dealing and trying to make sense.

 

This applies to the BS too I think, though really, I doubt it will ever make sense. The AP gets to wonder how they were so taken with someone who discards them, the BS gets to wonder why they bother trying with someone who was so selfish. The WS gets off scot free. I seriously wish there was a way to "punish" my WH without hurting myself or the AP, make him feel the depth and breadth of the pain he inflicted on us. I wonder how often the OW and BS get in cahoots like that stupid Cameron Diaz movie. I asked my WH if he had ever been cheated on and (ironically) he had been, but by his xOW, who started banging some guy in her sales office because my WH wouldn't have sex with her (he felt like it was only really cheating if sex was PIV - apparently, when you're just friends that's off limit, but inserting your entire fist in their lower orifices it totally fair game...)

 

If you had a revenge fantasy for your xMM, what would it be?

[Ronnie33]

This applies to the BS too I think, though really, I doubt it will ever make sense. The AP gets to wonder how they were so taken with someone who discards them, the BS gets to wonder why they bother trying with someone who was so selfish. The WS gets off scot free. I seriously wish there was a way to "punish" my WH without hurting myself or the AP, make him feel the depth and breadth of the pain he inflicted on us. I wonder how often the OW and BS get in cahoots like that stupid Cameron Diaz movie. I asked my WH if he had ever been cheated on and (ironically) he had been, but by his xOW, who started banging some guy in her sales office because my WH wouldn't have sex with her (he felt like it was only really cheating if sex was PIV - apparently, when you're just friends that's off limit, but inserting your entire fist in their lower orifices it totally fair game...)

 

If you had a revenge fantasy for your xMM, what would it be?

 

My revenge fantasy is she finds out, tells everyone and leaves him. Everyone thinks he's perfect, but he wouldn't be anymore.

[Ronnie33]

And the fisting thing freaks me out. Something like that, should never be up anywhere lol

[imperfectangel]

I need to take a break from LS. I'll check for PMs but that's it. There's too many BS's floating around this side (no offends lobe) and they're pi$$ing me off. I need to stop posting before I get banned again.

 

If anyone wants to talk to me PM me or I'll catch up at the weekend

 

Good luck everyone

[Lobe]

I need to take a break from LS. I'll check for PMs but that's it. There's too many BS's floating around this side (no offends lobe) and they're pi$$ing me off. I need to stop posting before I get banned again.

 

If anyone wants to talk to me PM me or I'll catch up at the weekend

 

Good luck everyone

 

None taken... I feel the same way over in the infidelity section - too many BS's and WS's... Take care of you IA.

[MidnightBlue1980]

And the fisting thing freaks me out. Something like that, should never be up anywhere lol

 

How do you put a fist up there? and if you can, the sex must be lousy. Doesn't it get all stretched out?

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

If you had a revenge fantasy for your xMM, what would it be?

 

There is only one way for xMM to feel pain - his wallet. He yells at his wife a lot and has been very derogatory about her weight, lack of a career, lack of beauty, housecleaning etc. I'd like to see her leave him for a real man (who can get it up) and take half his money and have him pay alimony and child support. He'd lose his cushy job as well since it's through her family and have to actually work. I know some woman would immediately be with him (would not be me) but the money thing, that would piss him off so much.

 

He has made fun of other men we know in that situation and says he was not going to end up in some crappy apartment paying all this money to her. That is exactly where he would end up, eating beans out of a can.

[rainbowsandkittens]

How do you put a fist up there? and if you can, the sex must be lousy. Doesn't it get all stretched out?

 

it's not ACTUALLY a fist. It's more all of your fingers put together- like if you were making your hand talk like a hand puppet. That is a terrible image and probably doesn't not explain it right. I thought it was an actual fist until a conversation with my gay friends who schooled me.

[ladydesigner]

MidnightBlue you remind me a lot of myself when My xOM broke things off with me to stay with his long term gf. I like you felt overworked being sole breadwinner and mom and when I discovered my H's A I started finding comfort in my co-worker. Anyways what I was trying to get to was that it took me 2 years to feel indifferent and I struggled with the rejection the most. It ties into my childhood it may with yours too I'm not sure, but if you grew up with a cold parent who didn't show much love we tend to find ourselves in situations where we are being rejected and hoping to change the outcome.

[rainbowsandkittens]

MidnightBlue you remind me a lot of myself when My xOM broke things off with me to stay with his long term gf. I like you felt overworked being sole breadwinner and mom and when I discovered my H's A I started finding comfort in my co-worker. Anyways what I was trying to get to was that it took me 2 years to feel indifferent and I struggled with the rejection the most. It ties into my childhood it may with yours too I'm not sure, but if you grew up with a cold parent who didn't show much love we tend to find ourselves in situations where we are being rejected and hoping to change the outcome.

 

ME. 100%. Yes.

[Ronnie33]

it's not ACTUALLY a fist. It's more all of your fingers put together- like if you were making your hand talk like a hand puppet. That is a terrible image and probably doesn't not explain it right. I thought it was an actual fist until a conversation with my gay friends who schooled me.

 

Yes, but still a no for me lol

[MidnightBlue1980]

MidnightBlue you remind me a lot of myself when My xOM broke things off with me to stay with his long term gf. I like you felt overworked being sole breadwinner and mom and when I discovered my H's A I started finding comfort in my co-worker. Anyways what I was trying to get to was that it took me 2 years to feel indifferent and I struggled with the rejection the most. It ties into my childhood it may with yours too I'm not sure, but if you grew up with a cold parent who didn't show much love we tend to find ourselves in situations where we are being rejected and hoping to change the outcome.

 

Yes. I have not spoken to my mother since 2004. My father never wanted kids, she got pregnant with me and was forced to marry him. She blames me for her sorry life. I'm not in a fight with her. She just wanted nothing to do with me. I don't care anymore but I feel bad for my kids, 5 and 7. They never met her and don't understand. My H never met her either.

 

I would say that meets the definition of cold.

[MidnightBlue1980]

it's not ACTUALLY a fist. It's more all of your fingers put together- like if you were making your hand talk like a hand puppet. That is a terrible image and probably doesn't not explain it right. I thought it was an actual fist until a conversation with my gay friends who schooled me.

 

Look what I learned today. Amazing. Not going to try it but I will definitely bring this up at the next ladies wine night.

[Lobe]

I'm not sure what to think about this thread today. lol