"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[ladydesigner]

I am assuming you held strong. I promise you, it gets easier. Yes, it is hard for me every Tuesday and Wednesday, but each time I get a little stronger. 2 weeks ago he wanted to call me - call me. He has not called me since December. This is a man I wanted to die over. I said no, I cannot talk to you on the phone. There was a time I would have risked it all to talk to him.

 

It was not even a hesitation on my part.

 

Each day you will get a little stronger and the wall will grow thicker until eventually it's not so much you won't want to see/talk/communicate with him, rather you simply will not be able to. You will stop yourself.

 

That is exactly how NC went with me. I had a few fits and starts but once I made my mind up I never went backwards. It hurt like a mofo for a long time, eventually you get through the pain to the other side but you have to go through the pain unfortunately

[Outofmysystem]

This thread does move fast, I'll give it that....lol.....

 

I caught up on the reading, and "triggers", today was my birthday, last year this time I was getting an email with an OOO, MMM, GEEE baby!!, your 50 today......the day before was the last time we were together and had sex.....it was great as usual (speaking of the sex thing from a few pages back) she finished me with a DT.....speaking of that, that is one of the really hard things to get over (no pun intended) she was muti with me every time, how do I know, I could feel it and HEAR it!, lol, she was very vocal.......a I had no issues with stamina even though she would wear me out with 3-4 times a day (I sound like such an ass complaining)......and over the years, I spent quite a bit of cash on her, Celine Python bag, $4700, Louis Vuitton, Diamond necklaces, bracelets, studs, 4 or 5 pairs of Christian Louboutin heels and sandals.....the list goes on.....$15,000-$20,000 easy......now, in fairness, she didn't ever ask for any of it, but she was my girlfriend and I wanted to spoil her, so I did.....

 

Fast forward to last Christmas, another pair of CL, $1000, she said thanks but I'm going to return them, never did......her birthday (May) Louis Vuitton Silver Locket necklace, $500, said the same, never returned.....then just a few weeks ago, after her divorce, I left a card with $300 cash in it just to help, said the same thing, going to return it, please lose my number, never did......

 

Now, been thinking especially after friends wished me happy birthday in a group text that's she's in that she'd at least say, "happy Birthday", not a ****ing thing........

 

So, it's stupid and sad that we all at some point realize where we stand......

 

I did have a nice day despite that, and it does help to "vent" in here too......so thanks for letting me do that.

[imperfectangel]

Yes this is very important I'm glad you will be moving closer to your support system that will be a godsend for you! What if you go NC when you move (let him know you are ending) ... if you want to, this way he can't show up on your doorstep! (edited just noticed you already thought this in your above post).

 

Do you have any girlfriends you can lean on too to keep your mind busy?

 

I have one friend that knows. I'm too scared to tell any others in case they think I'm some kind of husband poacher lol

[Adoraxx]

I haven't read t but my son is at his dad's this weekend so I might download it.

 

I do have plans for my future but that involves moving closer to my family so that I have more support for my son (he is special needs) but that in turn will mean that instead of a 3 hr drive I am only 20 minutes away from MM!

 

As long as he doesn't have your address.... you should be fine then

[Ronnie33]

Well I'm failing terribly. I broke NC which was initiated by me and talked to him. Then I saw him and immediately after I felt awful and he knew it. I told him I can't do this. I keep thinking I can but I can't. We both got very emotional because I think we both realized that with his wedding a month away, this is it.

 

So I cried all the way to work today.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This thread does move fast, I'll give it that....lol.....

 

I caught up on the reading, and "triggers", today was my birthday, last year this time I was getting an email with an OOO, MMM, GEEE baby!!, your 50 today......the day before was the last time we were together and had sex.....it was great as usual (speaking of the sex thing from a few pages back) she finished me with a DT.....speaking of that, that is one of the really hard things to get over (no pun intended) she was muti with me every time, how do I know, I could feel it and HEAR it!, lol, she was very vocal.......a I had no issues with stamina even though she would wear me out with 3-4 times a day (I sound like such an ass complaining)......and over the years, I spent quite a bit of cash on her, Celine Python bag, $4700, Louis Vuitton, Diamond necklaces, bracelets, studs, 4 or 5 pairs of Christian Louboutin heels and sandals.....the list goes on.....$15,000-$20,000 easy......now, in fairness, she didn't ever ask for any of it, but she was my girlfriend and I wanted to spoil her, so I did.....

 

Fast forward to last Christmas, another pair of CL, $1000, she said thanks but I'm going to return them, never did......her birthday (May) Louis Vuitton Silver Locket necklace, $500, said the same, never returned.....then just a few weeks ago, after her divorce, I left a card with $300 cash in it just to help, said the same thing, going to return it, please lose my number, never did......

 

Now, been thinking especially after friends wished me happy birthday in a group text that's she's in that she'd at least say, "happy Birthday", not a ****ing thing........

 

So, it's stupid and sad that we all at some point realize where we stand......

 

I did have a nice day despite that, and it does help to "vent" in here too......so thanks for letting me do that.

 

 

Ok - HOLY CRAP! You spent that much money on her and bought her all those gifts!! I got salads, appetizers and some drinks on our dates. That is pretty insane Out. How on earth did you buy all that without your wife seeing the money missing? You must be loaded. I guess money is a big reason you won't get divorced.

 

Happy Birthday a day late. My bday is next week. It's always a moment where you think, I am not bringing all this crap into a new year.

 

I relate to your statement of knowing where you stand. I still say though, come on, she got/is getting divorced. Obviously its a big part over you, even though you are not available, she has wrecked her marriage in her own eyes. I'm sure you have your reasons for not-divorcing, but you must see she wanted to be with you. I'm sure she still loves you and thought about you yesterday. She is just angry. She lost.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well I'm failing terribly. I broke NC which was initiated by me and talked to him. Then I saw him and immediately after I felt awful and he knew it. I told him I can't do this. I keep thinking I can but I can't. We both got very emotional because I think we both realized that with his wedding a month away, this is it.

 

So I cried all the way to work today.

 

Did you kiss him or get physical?

[MidnightBlue1980]

That is exactly how NC went with me. I had a few fits and starts but once I made my mind up I never went backwards. It hurt like a mofo for a long time, eventually you get through the pain to the other side but you have to go through the pain unfortunately

 

That is exactly where I am. I read yesterday about how you have to let your emotions run freely. I will say my sharp pain has finally went away, took about 6 months, but I still have bad feelings and emotions. I'm trying to just see it as a river I must cross. It's part of the reason I won't run away from where I see him weekly. I have to get to the other side or else I will recreate this scenario in my life at a later point. Again.

 

It's a question of building strength inside myself and knowing my self worth, saying no to people like xMM manipulating me with guilt and lies. It's about the 5 strongest words in the English language:

 

I Am Not A Victim.

[Ronnie33]

Did you kiss him or get physical?

 

Yes, we didn't have sex but we were physical.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes, we didn't have sex but we were physical. Right after I felt bad and he knew it.

 

That's why you feel bad. I've been there. Just pick yourself up, forgive yourself and start over. Think of it this way, at least you are not planning a wedding to someone else. You are definitely ahead of him. It will be 1000x easier for you to move on than for him. He's in a deep mess.

[Ronnie33]

It feels like it's way easier for him. He's happy and moving on, I'm left

[Lobe]

So I cried all the way to work today.

 

I'm just going to leave this here. Bolding mine. You deserve so much more Ronnie. Big hugs today.

 

Let it Go - James Bay

 

From walking home and talking loads

Seeing shows in evening clothes with you

From nervous touch and getting drunk

To staying up and waking up with you

 

Now we're slipping near the edge

Holding something we don't need

Oh, this delusion in our heads

Is gonna bring us to our knees

 

So come on, let it go

Just let it be

Why don't you be you

And I'll be me

 

Everything that's broke

Leave it to the breeze

Why don't you be you

And I'll be me

 

And I'll be me

 

From throwing clothes across the floor

To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you

If this is all we're living for

Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore?

 

I used to recognize myself

It's funny how reflections change

When we're becoming something else

I think it's time to walk away

 

So come on, let it go

Just let it be

Why don't you be you

And I'll be me

 

Everything that's broke

Leave it to the breeze

Why don't you be you

And I'll be me

 

And I'll be me

 

Tryna fit your hand inside mine

When we know it just don't belong

There's no force on earth

Could make it feel right, no

 

Tryna push this problem up the hill

When it's just too heavy to hold

Think now is the time to let it slide

 

So come on, let it go

Just let it be

Why don't you be you

And I'll be me

 

Everything that's broke

Leave it to the breeze

Let the ashes fall

Forget about me

 

Come on, let it go

Just let it be

Why don't you be you

And I'll be me

 

And I'll be me

[rainbowsandkittens]

It feels like it's way easier for him. He's happy and moving on, I'm left

 

I feel this way too. But the truth is- they're not happy. They're miserable, broken people and while we have a chance to heal and get better they don't bc they're in denial. Unfortunately this will probably happen again with them and they'll break someone else's heart. I have to believe it will catch up with them some day. If only to make myself feel better.

 

HAPPY BELATED BDAY OUTOFMYSYSTEM!

 

I'm with midnight. All I got were free meals. And a bottle of wine per trip. That he already bought himself and just gave me. And the meals were courtesy of his company. So I cost him nothing. I bought him all sorts of things: books, amazon gc, christmas presents... What a fool I am.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I feel this way too. But the truth is- they're not happy. They're miserable, broken people and while we have a chance to heal and get better they don't bc they're in denial. Unfortunately this will probably happen again with them and they'll break someone else's heart. I have to believe it will catch up with them some day. If only to make myself feel better.

 

HAPPY BELATED BDAY OUTOFMYSYSTEM!

 

I'm with midnight. All I got were free meals. And a bottle of wine per trip. That he already bought himself and just gave me. And the meals were courtesy of his company. So I cost him nothing. I bought him all sorts of things: books, amazon gc, christmas presents... What a fool I am.

 

I don't know. Logically I would agree, they cannot be happy. But I will be honest, I think they are content - it's good enough. I can tell you xMM is not like Out, lamenting over the loss of me. He's got the emotional depth of a piece of toast. I honestly believe I am not on his mind except perhaps the fact that I am ignoring him, that would irritate him. But in no way is he at work today suffering over me the way I suffered.

 

I think we are giving most of these guys wayyyyyyyy too much of ourselves, our time and too much credit. Ronnie, you are probably right, this guy is going to get married, drink champagne and be happy. He'll be back though, 100% - marriage is HARD and you will be his escape. This guy is never going to let you go. YOU have to do it. Or else you are going to waste years on him. I think you deserve better.

 

You need to go through the pain to get to the other side - freedom. It's the only way.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It feels like it's way easier for him. He's happy and moving on, I'm left

 

You are right. It is easier for him because he has compartmentalized everything. As long as you participate, he will go along with it.

 

I'm right there with you. So I'm not judging. xMM felt sad for a few days after it ended. He said he cried, which I am not sure I believe. If he cried, it was over himself, not me.

 

And look I am still talking about him - 8 months later! I was only some fun to him, never something to take seriously.

[Lobe]

He'll be back though, 100% - marriage is HARD and you will be his escape. This guy is never going to let you go. YOU have to do it. Or else you are going to waste years on him. I think you deserve better.

 

You need to go through the pain to get to the other side - freedom. It's the only way.

 

I believe he will be back too. You still have the option of telling his fiancee -affairs are like mushrooms - they blossom and grow in darkness... (that's my new favorite lol) so if you outed him, you'd be protecting yourself and his BS...

[MidnightBlue1980]

I believe he will be back too. You still have the option of telling his fiancee -affairs are like mushrooms - they blossom and grow in darkness... (that's my new favorite lol) so if you outed him, you'd be protecting yourself and his BS...

 

Bonus - he would never contact you again.

 

This would hurt like a thousand knives but you would sure see the real guy. Funny how that happens at the end.

[Chica80]

I believe he will be back too. You still have the option of telling his fiancee -affairs are like mushrooms - they blossom and grow in darkness... (that's my new favorite lol) so if you outed him, you'd be protecting yourself and his BS...

 

 

 

I agree. You would see the real him, might actually give you what you need to move on.

[Chica80]

This thread does move fast, I'll give it that....lol.....

 

I caught up on the reading, and "triggers", today was my birthday, last year this time I was getting an email with an OOO, MMM, GEEE baby!!, your 50 today......the day before was the last time we were together and had sex.....it was great as usual (speaking of the sex thing from a few pages back) she finished me with a DT.....speaking of that, that is one of the really hard things to get over (no pun intended) she was muti with me every time, how do I know, I could feel it and HEAR it!, lol, she was very vocal.......a I had no issues with stamina even though she would wear me out with 3-4 times a day (I sound like such an ass complaining)......and over the years, I spent quite a bit of cash on her, Celine Python bag, $4700, Louis Vuitton, Diamond necklaces, bracelets, studs, 4 or 5 pairs of Christian Louboutin heels and sandals.....the list goes on.....$15,000-$20,000 easy......now, in fairness, she didn't ever ask for any of it, but she was my girlfriend and I wanted to spoil her, so I did.....

 

Fast forward to last Christmas, another pair of CL, $1000, she said thanks but I'm going to return them, never did......her birthday (May) Louis Vuitton Silver Locket necklace, $500, said the same, never returned.....then just a few weeks ago, after her divorce, I left a card with $300 cash in it just to help, said the same thing, going to return it, please lose my number, never did......

 

Now, been thinking especially after friends wished me happy birthday in a group text that's she's in that she'd at least say, "happy Birthday", not a ****ing thing........

 

So, it's stupid and sad that we all at some point realize where we stand......

 

I did have a nice day despite that, and it does help to "vent" in here too......so thanks for letting me do that.

 

 

OUT happy late bday.

I know it hurts. Who knows what is going on in her mind. But her actions are what we tell eachother to do here everyday. Move on. NC. "HE IS WHERE HE WANTS TO BE" (I hate that saying btw)

 

You are married you chose to stay in your marriage. You give her money gifts etc. But you didn't give her you. You didn't give your BW you either. When I first left and moved out I had nothing! I took nothing. MM asked do you need money? It was the only time he had ever said anything like that? I said no. Gifts are nice. Money is helpful but it's not you. It's not freedom it's not truth.

 

I'm not trying to minimize your pain or discard your feelings. 6 years is a long time. While she chose to leave her abusive marriage. You chose to stay. She is trying to get to a healthier place.

[ladydesigner]

That is exactly where I am. I read yesterday about how you have to let your emotions run freely. I will say my sharp pain has finally went away, took about 6 months, but I still have bad feelings and emotions. I'm trying to just see it as a river I must cross. It's part of the reason I won't run away from where I see him weekly. I have to get to the other side or else I will recreate this scenario in my life at a later point. Again.

 

It's a question of building strength inside myself and knowing my self worth, saying no to people like xMM manipulating me with guilt and lies. It's about the 5 strongest words in the English language:

I Am Not A Victim.

 

Yep this is a biggie with me too! Not a victim... a survivor

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yep this is a biggie with me too! Not a victim... a survivor

 

I may come across as I am past it all and in a better place. I'm really not. I'm just trying to survive and get past it. I'm definitely out of the massive pain/constant crying phase, that lasted months and months, but I still think about him and try to wrap my head around it all, try to understand.

 

Slowly I am coming to the realization that xMM simply has no conception of the level of my feelings for him. Or maybe he does and he is just a cruel person. He twists the knife a lot, telling me things about his W, contacting me when there is no point other than to confuse me, stuff like that.

 

Either reason is bad - one he is just clueless, the other he is sadistic.

 

I can tell you though that breaking off the PA helped. It's been so long now, over 8 months since any contact. I honestly don't remember what things were like. Time does help that stuff fade.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I told my xMM that I was his steam valve. He would let his unhappiness and restlessness and frustration build until he couldn't take it anymore and then he would have an affair. And once that ran it's course/ he felt better/ he thought it was manageable in his relationship again he would end it. He told me he was going to therapy to see why he kept doing it. My therapist thought he was lying and never went bc why would he? He was perfectly happy getting everything he wanted. But that's definitely one of the reasons.

 

I asked him when he came back 4 months after NC if he missed me and he said he felt relieved bc it took so much out of him to maintain our relationship (which was mostly very long distance. And mostly him pursuing me but of course he doesn't see it that way.) And bc he didn't have to lie and be distracted from work and his family. I asked him if he thought about me and he said yes, of course, all the time. But I think that was just when he was jacking off.

[ladydesigner]

I may come across as I am past it all and in a better place. I'm really not. I'm just trying to survive and get past it. I'm definitely out of the massive pain/constant crying phase, that lasted months and months, but I still think about him and try to wrap my head around it all, try to understand.

 

Slowly I am coming to the realization that xMM simply has no conception of the level of my feelings for him. Or maybe he does and he is just a cruel person. He twists the knife a lot, telling me things about his W, contacting me when there is no point other than to confuse me, stuff like that.

 

Either reason is bad - one he is just clueless, the other he is sadistic.

 

I can tell you though that breaking off the PA helped. It's been so long now, over 8 months since any contact. I honestly don't remember what things were like. Time does help that stuff fade.

 

My WH did not think of my feelings or MOW's. If it weren't for this last A I don't think I would have seen this side of my WH. Now I cannot unsee it. Probably same for his MOW, similar to what you are saying. I think what THEY feel matters the most and if your xMM is anything like my WH their feelings for others and empathy for others just doesn't run very deep, more at a shallow level.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I asked him if he thought about me and he said yes, of course, all the time. But I think that was just when he was jacking off.

 

I agree. I am pretty sure that is when he thinks about me as well.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My WH did not think of my feelings or MOW's. If it weren't for this last A I don't think I would have seen this side of my WH. Now I cannot unsee it. Probably same for his MOW, similar to what you are saying. I think what THEY feel matters the most and if your xMM is anything like my WH their feelings for others and empathy for others just doesn't run very deep, more at a shallow level.

 

I agree. He had zero empathy for me. Even last year, when first H caught me, then a week later, I found out my H was having an A too (irony at its best), 'I told xMM and he said, sorry baby, I figured he was cheating on you.' And then I spent our next meeting consoling him that my H was not going to tell his W about us. My life is falling apart and xMM worried about himself.

 

I would say during the entire A and its aftermath, he showed a complete disregard for my feelings. Even now, he knows how I feel, he knows I am trying to keep my marriage together, he has no interest in anything with me, but yet, he contacts me and if I let it, he would destroy me and my life and walk away without a care.

 

I mean, I told him I was suicidal over him and he didn't really care. Said nothing. Literally nothing.