"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Lobe]

I am sure your situation is different since you were faithful. I am not sure I could have stayed. I give you credit.

 

It's only been 18 months and we're still in IC and MC... don't give me too much credit lol

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's only been 18 months and we're still in IC and MC... don't give me too much credit lol

 

I did not realize you were in MC. Did my post about his lies in MC bother you?

 

My H and I never went to MC. I'm not a huge believer in it. I went through it with my ex husband. It was brutal torture. Does it help you?

[Lobe]

I think I could walk away from it now without being hurt but can i cope with what's left in my marriage.

 

WH and I were both "coping" with our marriage when the A happened. I thought he was happy so I said nothing, he thought I was happy so he said nothing, both of us thinking we were preserving the marriage by not making the other person unhappy by expressing our own marital disappointment or dissatisfaction.

 

Our MC said when two people are so comfortable and conflict avoidant that their partnership becomes stagnant, they assume they know each other so well they don't need to talk about it, but in all actuality they don't know one another at all, so it takes something catastrophic to shake things up. When that quake hits, it's going break some people apart while bringing others closer than ever.

 

WH and I learned from the affair, more than anything, that there was a lot more left in our marriage than either of us had thought. It was at least 3 months post d-day before I was past the anger and he was in NC long enough to get past the fog, though. Until then, we were just raw. Now, we're on pretty solid footing. I trigger, so does he, but we are learning/teaching ourselves how to have healthy moments of vulnerability instead of assuming we just have to suck it up to keep the other person happy.

 

Our MC sent us off with the "anyone can fall in love" questions. They're based on this study: The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and start from scratch has been a tough journey, but so far, so worth it.

 

Are you sure your hubby isn't just "coping" too? Are you in IC or MC? Do you talk? Here are the questions, if you want to try them. Make sure you leave enough time at the end to gaze into one another's eyes for 4 minutes.

 

Set I

 

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

 

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

 

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

 

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

 

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

 

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

 

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

 

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

 

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

 

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

 

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

 

 

Set II

 

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

 

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

 

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

 

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

 

17. What is your most treasured memory?

 

18. What is your most terrible memory?

 

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

 

20. What does friendship mean to you?

 

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

 

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

 

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

 

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

 

Set III

 

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

 

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

 

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

 

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

 

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

 

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

 

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

 

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

 

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

 

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

 

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

[Lobe]

I did not realize you were in MC. Did my post about his lies in MC bother you?

 

My H and I never went to MC. I'm not a huge believer in it. I went through it with my ex husband. It was brutal torture. Does it help you?

 

Nope, doesn't bother me at all. Does my assumption he's lying to you about lying in MC upset you? I guess it's a bit like a stand off though - who's the AP lying to, the BS or the AP? lol

 

As far as MC goes, I really think you need to find an MC that works well for you. We went to I believe 4 before finding our little East Indian friend (and yes the fact he sometimes gives us curry was a selling point lol). Neither my husband or I wanted someone who thought a good starting point was for us to sit and air our dirty laundry. I don't pick my own scabs so I'm not about to let a stranger do it. Talk therapy where we poked around in wounds that were barely healed wasn't our goal nor was digging around in ancient history to explore old hurts, so it was a bit of trial and error before we found one who actually heard us when we said, "We want to build up our marriage." While he knows the history, he never asks us to dwell. Instead, he asks us how we are doing, helps us set a goal, and sends us away with goal-specific tasks. We only go about once every 5 - 6 weeks now and I think we are kind of ready to "graduate" since lately we seem to pay him $200 to chat about kids and politics more than to provide guidance. And last week he didn't even have a samosa for us - what gives?

 

He draws pretty heavily on the work of Michelle Weiner Davis, if you're curious in checking it out at all.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I keep trying to follow this and then get all mucked up and lose my place. But I'm trying to figure out how or if this relates to what I'm going through.

 

My exAP (ish?) and I are in the "trying to be friends" phase. Which means he's talking to me less and.... I'm taking it, I guess. He'll just disappear on me for a few days at a time (while still letting me know he's around by liking things or commenting on stuff on twitter) and then come back for a day or two. No super personal conversations. Very limited chatting time. He's definitely keeping me at arm's length. Which is frustrating and hurtful and I tell myself to stop accepting this over and over again. And yet I can't.

 

BUT he comes here in just over a week for almost a week. We have plans already for the first 2 days that he's here. Generally when he's here we spend every night together. This time he is actually coming in early in the weekend and staying all week. We've only spent a weekend day together once (the last time he was here) and it's really exciting to have whole days to spend together and all the time in the world to do whatever we want.

 

The last time he was here we slept together- though he freaked out and we didn't see each other again before he left. I will say the freaking out bit happened almost every time after the first time we had sex on each trip. Then things would be fine.

 

I guess I don't know where this goes or what's happening. From what I've read the "just friends" phase usually leads into a restart of the A. Is that the general experience? It really doesn't feel like that's what he wants. Then again, as I told some of my friends, some of his comments have felt like, "Well I'm going to try and keep my P away from you but if it happens to fall into your V.... well, what can I do?" (Sorry if that was tmi or too crass. It's actually toned down from what I usually say. LOL.) One of my friends said he's just weak and waiting for me to do what he can't and end it. Which, for some reason, makes me very sad. I know some people are going to just say to go NC. We did that for 4 months and I wasn't any happier. Well, maybe a little. I feel very confused lately.

 

I guess my question is: is this common? I know people have said they have tried NC many times and always go back or else the AP comes back. I never thought he would. I was convinced of it. But I was wrong. Is this the push pull people always talk about?

[rainbowsandkittens]

Lobe- I liked your last post mainly for the Samosa comment. LOL. What gives indeed!

 

My exAP and I started IC at the same time. He told me on his last visit that they were actually spending more time working on his relationship than on him individually. My therapist called BS and said he doubted he was seeing a therapist at all bc he doesn't think he has any problem with the way things are going with either his relationship or me. He thinks everything is just fine in his relationship- and always was- and he has all the power over me so life is hunky dory. (That last bit I added.) I find that to be so cynical... which means it's probably true. I have always been too naive.

[Lobe]

Is this the push pull people always talk about?

 

Pick me dance, push/pull, destabilization, relapse, dance with the devil...

 

You hear it said all the time - the opposite of "love" isn't "hate" it's indifference.

 

I am "friendly" during interactions with my ex husband, but I can honestly say that I could stay in a hotel room in the same bed and feel zero desire to see if we still had the old bomparomp magic, even if I was hammered and horny and he looked like Channing Tatum, because while I am happy to be civil and no longer harbour the anger I did during the divorce, we are DONE. Like over and out, done. By saying he can't help if his P falls in your V, it's clear that this man is not interested in friendship, so if you were drunk and horny in a hotel room with him, you'd be in trouble.

 

So here's what I'm thinking. Because they never really get to mature past "dating", I think affairs don't often get to run their course from dating to marriage and break up like "normal" relationships. Maybe since affairs are so often truncated while in full swing as a result of being caught (or fear of being caught) APs don't really get that kind of refined and clearly delineated endpoint or "closure" if you will. So, as long as the fAP is in your life, I think it would be a struggle to get to indifference.

 

That's just me throwing out some verbal diarrhea. Thoughts?

 

(PS I prefer when he brings a paneer dish because, you know - cheese...)

[Rea]

It depends on the situation and the people involved. A little kindness at the end of my A would have helped me. It was brutal torture to see him - he was mean and cold and as you may have read, the saga continues.

 

But I will say this - what LC did for me was allow me to see who he really was. Left alone in my own mind, he was Prince Charming, my soulmate who couldn't be mine because he was so noble about his vows and child. I could have spent years pining for him. But now I know he is not Prince Charming. He is just another middle-aged guy who wants both his wife and a hot thing on the side, and is willing to tell whatever lies the women need to hear to get it. He's not a good person and I dodged a bullet.

 

Plus if I had made rash decisions and left our mutual place, I would have hurt myself professionally and personally. I would not have learned my lesson and not have grown as a person. I realize now that I accept bad behavior from too many people and never feel I deserve better. This is a pattern. If I had run, it would have just happened again as it's happened before. Your mind will keep creating the same situation until you learn the lesson.

 

^^^^^This...absolutely THIS^^^^^

What LC has given me is distance and breathing space to really start recognising who HE is. It's allowing me to gain the perspective of how I'm treated in this relationship and also to really think deeply about why I was allowing myself to accept crumbs.

 

I will honestly tell you (without advocating it) that LC is helping me on my journey through this. NC had me thinking about him all the time. LC allows me to take a break from that because I know if I needed to, I can contact him. We are both contacting each other less, I respect that. But somehow knowing we can 'check in' that the other is 'ok' is enough from driving us both to want to meet and resume where we left off. Do I think this contact will last forever...No. But I think we are reassuring each other by acknowledging this happened. I guess it's kind of weaning ourselves off each other rather than putting ourselves through the hell of cold turkey and still pining from each other, then seeking each other out for a physical fix.

 

In many ways I think xMM and I have used this A as an opportunity of growth. Instead of parting all embittered, we have had many, many, many conversations about where we were in our lives when we met and all we have experienced and dealt with as we have journeyed together. We have acknowledged the good it has done us both (and it has done us good) but we also acknowledge the bad effect it has had on ALL involved. We are both sensitive, caring people. We never went into this to hurt anyone, but we have and because of that, I honestly believe that we need to work through this in a way that gives us both the closure we need. I don't want to end up an embittered xAP frequenting these boards in turmoil over being in NC. I do not mean any offence if anyone feels that last sentence applies to them. It may well end up applying to me in the future. Who knows?!?!?! I just know that if I can find a way that I don't end up with a bad taste every time I think of him, I'll take it. I don't want to look back on this as an awful time in my life, or as time wasted. I am choosing to experience it as a chapter of growth. After all, it has/is teaching me a lot.

 

I know I respect every individual story I read on these boards as that. I can give my perspective as from my experience, but I will never tell another what they should definitely do, that is unless they have specifically requested it. You have to do what you feel you need to do and own it.

 

I wish us all well on our path to reaching our equilibrium.

[Lobe]

It amazes me how similar our AP seem. I'm not sure what it is about him. Maybe the old cliche "he's above me, I didn't think I could ever get someone like him.." is how it started... But physically, the attraction and the sex (both physical and other) is out of this world. I have a bad marriage that I should have left a long time ago, but because of my son, and other fears I'm pretend everything is ok. He's been so cold here lately, im not sure he would try to contact me. It's like you said, I'm good and angry for a day or two.. And then I'm dying to talk to him, for a fix

 

Haven't heard from you in a couple of days Lostgirl... how's are you doing?

[Lostgirl186]

Haven't heard from you in a couple of days Lostgirl... how's are you doing?

 

I still here, peeking thru the shadows? Nothing has really changed here.. We've text some, no phone conversations, not really any flirting as he's still so "busy." Got to love that lame excuse. I'm hoping with the holiday weekend (we never talk on weekends) and being home an extra day on Monday, will help me get off to a good start on LC or NC. Right now, he's really left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak.

[Lobe]

I still here, peeking thru the shadows? Nothing has really changed here.. We've text some, no phone conversations, not really any flirting as he's still so "busy." Got to love that lame excuse. I'm hoping with the holiday weekend (we never talk on weekends) and being home an extra day on Monday, will help me get off to a good start on LC or NC. Right now, he's really left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak.

 

Yeah! I am STOKED for cocktails on the boat and fireworks over the lake. Hope the forecast holds out!

 

Your mission, should you accept, is to stay busier than him having an awesome INDEPENDENCE day! :lmao:

[Lostgirl186]

Yeah! I am STOKED for cocktails on the boat and fireworks over the lake. Hope the forecast holds out!

 

Your mission, should you accept, is to stay busier than him having an awesome INDEPENDENCE day! :lmao:

 

 

 

I know, right? Easier said than done I guess. Haha. As soon as I typed the reply earlier, I had to go over to the location he works at (same company different buildings, different departments.) didn't speak to him while there (he was with client) and soon after he tells me thru text that my "haircut looks good." Then proceeds to ignore me when I reply. That's the game. It's like we are teenagers in high school sometimes instead of grown adults!!

[Lobe]

I know, right? Easier said than done I guess. Haha. As soon as I typed the reply earlier, I had to go over to the location he works at (same company different buildings, different departments.) didn't speak to him while there (he was with client) and soon after he tells me thru text that my "haircut looks good." Then proceeds to ignore me when I reply. That's the game. It's like we are teenagers in high school sometimes instead of grown adults!!

 

Do you fantasize about "look at me now!"? With my first husband it took about a year after the divorce before I felt like alright, you f*cker. You thought you destroyed me but look at me now... I could not give a flying rats ass what you do with your life, as long as I'm no part of it lol. Total restoration of confidence and utter indifference towards him - no fear, no hate, just happiness to not be tied to him any longer. Gawd, what a great feeling that was!!!

 

When I kicked WH out I started getting really excited to look and feel great, to have a fabulous new life, to a future time when I could look at him and say, "Look what you lost, asshat. Just you look at me now..." Living well is always the best revenge. When I told him my revenge fantasy he was quite upset. Oh well, you play with fire - there's a burn unit for that cuz ain't nobody got time for your bullsh*t!!! lol

[lftbehind]

I keep trying to follow this and then get all mucked up and lose my place. But I'm trying to figure out how or if this relates to what I'm going through.

 

My exAP (ish?) and I are in the "trying to be friends" phase. Which means he's talking to me less and.... I'm taking it, I guess. He'll just disappear on me for a few days at a time (while still letting me know he's around by liking things or commenting on stuff on twitter) and then come back for a day or two. No super personal conversations. Very limited chatting time. He's definitely keeping me at arm's length. Which is frustrating and hurtful and I tell myself to stop accepting this over and over again. And yet I can't.

 

BUT he comes here in just over a week for almost a week. We have plans already for the first 2 days that he's here. Generally when he's here we spend every night together. This time he is actually coming in early in the weekend and staying all week. We've only spent a weekend day together once (the last time he was here) and it's really exciting to have whole days to spend together and all the time in the world to do whatever we want.

 

The last time he was here we slept together- though he freaked out and we didn't see each other again before he left. I will say the freaking out bit happened almost every time after the first time we had sex on each trip. Then things would be fine.

 

I guess I don't know where this goes or what's happening. From what I've read the "just friends" phase usually leads into a restart of the A. Is that the general experience? It really doesn't feel like that's what he wants. Then again, as I told some of my friends, some of his comments have felt like, "Well I'm going to try and keep my P away from you but if it happens to fall into your V.... well, what can I do?" (Sorry if that was tmi or too crass. It's actually toned down from what I usually say. LOL.) One of my friends said he's just weak and waiting for me to do what he can't and end it. Which, for some reason, makes me very sad. I know some people are going to just say to go NC. We did that for 4 months and I wasn't any happier. Well, maybe a little. I feel very confused lately.

 

I guess my question is: is this common? I know people have said they have tried NC many times and always go back or else the AP comes back. I never thought he would. I was convinced of it. But I was wrong. Is this the push pull people always talk about?

 

It sounds like push/pull. I had AP do the same thing with me. He talks to me less and it's not as warm and affectionate as it was. I think that once it get to the just friends stage it doesn't get back to how it was before. You may see each other occasionally, but the affair doesn't restart and it's definitely not the same. I deleted the app I had been talking to my MM on tonight. I'm tired of being treated like this, it hurts too much.

[Lostgirl186]

Well, I just lost my sh*t. Completely and totally. I got the same spill again about how his wants (fooling around with me) weren't worth the risk that came with them. Which I would respect, had I not heard it a half dozen times before. Said the phone sex incident last week was a "relapse." I lost it. I told him I was tired of being his ego boost ( his wife has gained some weight from babies, still pretty, never wears makeup, etc... I workout, naturally tanned, always have my hair and makeup in place, very tall and slim.. We look like polar opposites.) that I was tired of the same old song and dance, that it was pathetic that he was just addicted to "this" as I was and he couldn't admit it, etc so on and so forth. I mean I really went off I was so mad that I can't even remember all I said to him.. I told him I was done with this game, I was no longer going to be there when he needed a pick me up, that I was done texting, calling, etc and that it wasn't changing this time bc this time it is MY choice too not just his. He basically told me his ego was just fine, and to have a good weekend. He would die before admitting he enjoys this. He may not have feelings for me other than sexual, but he enjoys the way I make him feel, otherwise we wouldn't be coming up on two years of fooling around.

 

Rumblefish and my other guys out there- did your APs ever flip out on you? How did you react? Any insights on why he's such an ass... I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy after the way I went off today. I am far too bummed, I need you guys to talk me out of tbis rut I know that sticking to my guns and not talking to him is for the best

[Chica80]

LOST

 

Girl you did awesome...."he would die before admitting his feelings....."

 

Now the hard part....when the anger fades you will get sad and if you hold out enough I have a feeling he will reach out when he needs a boost.

Someone who cares about you would respect your feelings. Hear you out....

 

Stay strong. Love and hugs

[ZBA]

I just wanted to say how interesting it's been to follow this thread. Thank you OP for starting it. I can't say I've experienced the destabilization phase over the course of my A, but as I'm currently experiencing NC it's been informative to read all these different perspectives. Since it's too difficult to write about my situation and I haven't told any friends, reading what others go thru really does help, even just a little. Makes you feel less alone.

 

Lost, I think you had every right to feel infuriated and express that. Having a reaction does not make you crazy, especially when he was belittling the situation to appease his guilt. I truly hope you find the strength from within and also from this community to stick to your guns, like you said.

[Rea]

Well, I just lost my sh*t. Completely and totally. I got the same spill again about how his wants (fooling around with me) weren't worth the risk that came with them. Which I would respect, had I not heard it a half dozen times before. Said the phone sex incident last week was a "relapse." I lost it. I told him I was tired of being his ego boost ( his wife has gained some weight from babies, still pretty, never wears makeup, etc... I workout, naturally tanned, always have my hair and makeup in place, very tall and slim.. We look like polar opposites.) that I was tired of the same old song and dance, that it was pathetic that he was just addicted to "this" as I was and he couldn't admit it, etc so on and so forth. I mean I really went off I was so mad that I can't even remember all I said to him.. I told him I was done with this game, I was no longer going to be there when he needed a pick me up, that I was done texting, calling, etc and that it wasn't changing this time bc this time it is MY choice too not just his. He basically told me his ego was just fine, and to have a good weekend. He would die before admitting he enjoys this. He may not have feelings for me other than sexual, but he enjoys the way I make him feel, otherwise we wouldn't be coming up on two years of fooling around.

 

Rumblefish and my other guys out there- did your APs ever flip out on you? How did you react? Any insights on why he's such an ass... I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy after the way I went off today. I am far too bummed, I need you guys to talk me out of tbis rut I know that sticking to my guns and not talking to him is for the best

 

It seems you are all he wishes his wife to be and that's where his frustrations lie. His wife is busy being 'his' wife and mother to 'their' children. Perhaps she is not taking the best care of herself because she feels your presence in some way/his distance. Perhaps his lack of effort with her, impacts on how she is feeling about herself.

 

I'll always remember when I was a teen, a cousins grandmother told us to always remember to take time to make an effort with yourself. When you find a husband, this may not seem important to you, but it will always be important to him, even if they never say it. From many stories I hear on these boards I realise how important those words were of that grandmother. I always remembered them and have always stuck by them. Even raising two kids and holding down a full time job.

 

As my own grandmother used to say "No matter what you're facing in life, get up, scrub up and put your best foot forward."

 

Sunshine is correct. While we are mad with MM, NC is easy. It's when the anger subsides...

Get yourself a plan in place. If you do find yourself responding to his advances, why not try and practise indifference.

 

Whatever path you choose with this Lostgirl, take care and do what's right for you.

[Lostgirl186]

LOST

 

Girl you did awesome...."he would die before admitting his feelings....."

 

Now the hard part....when the anger fades you will get sad and if you hold out enough I have a feeling he will reach out when he needs a boost.

Someone who cares about you would respect your feelings. Hear you out....

 

Stay strong. Love and hugs

 

One time I didn't speak to him for ten days.. And he called me with some lame excuse.. That was a year or so ago, and it's always been me reaching out to him since. I am the enabler I guess. But I am so tired of it. Him making me feel like this is nothing and that he is just fine without it. I'm home alone tonight and almost thru an entire bottle of wine, and I am just so damn sad. I think after next week he's vacationing with the family for two weeks, time in which we won't be able to speak even if we were speaking (haha, maybe that was funny bc of the wine.) I hate myself for being a weak person.

[Lostgirl186]

It seems you are all he wishes his wife to be and that's where his frustrations lie. His wife is busy being 'his' wife and mother to 'their' children. Perhaps she is not taking the best care of herself because she feels your presence in some way/his distance. Perhaps his lack of effort with her, impacts on how she is feeling about herself.

 

I'll always remember when I was a teen, a cousins grandmother told us to always remember to take time to make an effort with yourself. When you find a husband, this may not seem important to you, but it will always be important to him, even if they never say it. From many stories I hear on these boards I realise how important those words were of that grandmother. I always remembered them and have always stuck by them. Even raising two kids and holding down a full time job.

 

As my own grandmother used to say "No matter what you're facing in life, get up, scrub up and put your best foot forward."

 

Sunshine is correct. While we are mad with MM, NC is easy. It's when the anger subsides...

Get yourself a plan in place. If you do find yourself responding to his advances, why not try and practise indifference.

 

Whatever path you choose with this Lostgirl, take care and do what's right for you.

 

Your right.. When I'm angry I hate him. But when I go back to work it starts creeping up on me again "I wonder what he's doing, what's his mood, if I talk will be respond?" He told me last weeks incident was a relapse... However one day this week he hinted during text conversation at more, and I said no bc he had been m ass. I guess I can't fathom how we need something that was never ours to begin with?

[Rea]

I just wanted to say how interesting it's been to follow this thread. Thank you OP for starting it. I can't say I've experienced the destabilization phase over the course of my A, but as I'm currently experiencing NC it's been informative to read all these different perspectives. Since it's too difficult to write about my situation and I haven't told any friends, reading what others go thru really does help, even just a little. Makes you feel less alone.

 

Lost, I think you had every right to feel infuriated and express that. Having a reaction does not make you crazy, especially when he was belittling the situation to appease his guilt. I truly hope you find the strength from within and also from this community to stick to your guns, like you said.

 

Isn't that just one of the most difficult, frustrating parts of this; the secrecy. Not being honest with family and friends about someone who you are sharing/have been sharing your life with is torturous. It's like splitting yourself in two through every stage of the A and needing to remember who YOU are in the midst of it.

 

Such a debilitating, exhausting experience. It's no wonder we all burn out eventually, whether OW, OM, WH, WW, or BS.

[ZBA]

Isn't that just one of the most difficult, frustrating parts of this; the secrecy. Not being honest with family and friends about someone who you are sharing/have been sharing your life with is torturous. It's like splitting yourself in two through every stage of the A and needing to remember who YOU are in the midst of it.

 

Such a debilitating, exhausting experience. It's no wonder we all burn out eventually, whether OW, OM, WH, WW, or BS.

 

Man did you ever hit the nail on the head, Rea. It freaking breaks you. Especially if you are going thru a negative patch, there is NO one to turn to. I have had the roughest of times where I debated ALMOST telling a friend, but just couldn't do it. Often times the only one we can talk to is the AP, the very source of our issues (or at least 1/2 the source...the other 1/2 being ourselves).

[Rea]

One time I didn't speak to him for ten days.. And he called me with some lame excuse.. That was a year or so ago, and it's always been me reaching out to him since. I am the enabler I guess. But I am so tired of it. Him making me feel like this is nothing and that he is just fine without it. I'm home alone tonight and almost thru an entire bottle of wine, and I am just so damn sad. I think after next week he's vacationing with the family for two weeks, time in which we won't be able to speak even if we were speaking (haha, maybe that was funny bc of the wine.) I hate myself for being a weak person.

 

So, let's think about this... What would happen if you stopped being 'the enabler'?

 

You have between now and his vacation time to get a plan in place to rejuvenate your life without him for the two weeks you know will be forced NC between you.

 

Why not contact friends/family to fill as much of that 'emptiness' you may experience while he is away. Throw in more gym time. How about some pampering? Volunteering - anything that is going to help you feel good about you, without him.

 

Think back to what life was like before MM. Print off your message above and enlarge it, so every time you find yourself 'softening' you are reminded of how he leaves you feeling. It helps me to read a couple of (long) messages to xMM that I kept, telling him how low this relationship has made me feel at times. It's helpful to read them when the nostalgic romanticising kicks in. It's like taking a reality shot in reminding me where being with him really leaves me.

 

Remember you have a sport network here.

[Lostgirl186]

Isn't that just one of the most difficult, frustrating parts of this; the secrecy. Not being honest with family and friends about someone who you are sharing/have been sharing your life with is torturous. It's like splitting yourself in two through every stage of the A and needing to remember who YOU are in the midst of it.

 

Such a debilitating, exhausting experience. It's no wonder we all burn out eventually, whether OW, OM, WH, WW, or BS.

 

Debilitating. Not a word on the English dictionary more perfect than this to explain this!! Wanting something that's not nor will ever be yours, in turmoil over the ups and downs, and suffering in silence, because of the outside world only knew what you were doing.. Perfect word

[Lostgirl186]

So, let's think about this... What would happen if you stopped being 'the enabler'?

 

You have between now and his vacation time to get a plan in place to rejuvenate your life without him for the two weeks you know will be forced NC between you.

 

Why not contact friends/family to fill as much of that 'emptiness' you may experience while he is away. Throw in more gym time. How about some pampering? Volunteering - anything that is going to help you feel good about you, without him.

 

Think back to what life was like before MM. Print off your message above and enlarge it, so every time you find yourself 'softening' you are reminded of how he leaves you feeling. It helps me to read a couple of (long) messages to xMM that I kept, telling him how low this relationship has made me feel at times. It's helpful to read them when the nostalgic romanticising kicks in. It's like taking a reality shot in reminding me where being with him really leaves me.

 

Remember you have a sport network here.

 

Surprisingly, it's not the away I'm worried about. I do good during that time I guess bc I KNOW I can't talk to him. It's when he comes back is when it hits like a punch in the stomach. So far, my plan is to focus on the negatives and how bad he makes me feel.. And working on my body ( I'm an avid runner for stress relief), and trying to get my head on straight for my child. I've been so out of it the last month or so, I feel like I'm failing at the rest of my life.. The things and people that actually matter?