"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[imperfectangel]

Of course they notice a change that's why they up their game and try to reel us back in. That's why my mm turned up at my house despite me telling him not to because he could feel he was losing me. He'll be feeling that again since I have t replied to his email from yesterday. I'm glad he will feel confused, a loss of control. He can't even control a insecure, vulnerable single young mother. Lols

 

Let them wonder, let them worry? Let them stress they've been doing it to us for ages. It's their turn now

[Lostgirl186]

Of course they notice a change that's why they up their game and try to reel us back in. That's why my mm turned up at my house despite me telling him not to because he could feel he was losing me. He'll be feeling that again since I have t replied to his email from yesterday. I'm glad he will feel confused, a loss of control. He can't even control a insecure, vulnerable single young mother. Lols

 

Let them wonder, let them worry? Let them stress they've been doing it to us for ages. It's their turn now

 

It's so stupid to feel this way, but how do you get past the fear/feeling that if I don't text him/call him/ email him (whatever the means of communication are) then he will forget about me and it will be over like that? In a perfect world, I could just completely do a 180 for me and not text him or call him this week and either he A.) notices and calls me, and I'll know he does at least think about me when I'm not around, or B.) he doesn't, and it will have some profound effect on me and make me not give a damn if he ever talks to me again. Only problem is, I can never seem to hold off long enough to see if he will make an attempt (remember ten days is the longest I've ever gone without contacting him) and I can't get my stupid brain to wrap around the idea that maybe I could possibly get over him if I stopped contacting him. Ugh. I wish we could all sit in a big circle, drink wine, and share our stories. I'm willing to bet we are all fairly attractive and decent women.

 

Also, a few pages back, someone posted that their MM always seemed to be more apt to reply and play nice after having seen them. I notice the same with mine. I saw him several times last week- one night at a function where both of us were there and our spouses with us.. And then at work two more times that week, even Friday morning before it happened. We never speak when we see each other in person. Do y'all find it seems to be common for more interaction to occur after they've laid eyes on you, so to speak?

[Chica80]

You got it. It's manipulation to keep you on the hook. xMM does it to me as well. They want to keep us uncertain, confused, doubting ourselves. Gaslighting. Google it. I am here to tell you don't doubt yourself, you are correct. He doesn't care about you or else he would let you go.

 

Yes I know all about gaslighting.....my x was all about it. Still is..

 

I thought oh I'll just be able to move on, it'll be fine...not impossible but a couple bumps along rhe way.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Been sad the past few days. Dreamed about him. Thinking about him a lot and wondering what he's doing, if he misses me, etc. I have to keep reminding myself that he stopped talking to me first. And that the last thing I said to him what that he didn't care about me... and he didn't even respond. Which was his answer. Why can't I accept that as the end then? My friends keep telling me that he gave me a gift. Still doesn't feel that way. More like I gave him a gift by just going away.

 

I had this wonderful fantasy yesterday that one day I would walk past a restaurant and look in and see him. We would lock eyes. And then I would just keep walking.

 

Of course there was the follow up where he feels terrible and comes to my house. LOL.

 

This will never happen since I don't when he'll be here again and bc we have nothing in common, would never have crossed paths if he didn't write me on tinder, and bc this city is so big. His office and mine are close but not so close that I would see him.

 

It just makes me so sad that I will probably never see him again in my life. We have such vastly different lives. I said this to him once and we talked about it. And how that wouldn't happen. But that was then and this is now.

 

The good news is that I have no desire to unblock him. Bc the truth is if he still didn't write to me or anything it would hurt much worse. Like Lobe keeps saying: Tis better to ignore then be ignored. It's so true. But this still hurts. I have thought about trying to see his twitter but the truth is- it's really boring. All politics and sailing crap. LOL. I was the fun one.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's so stupid to feel this way, but how do you get past the fear/feeling that if I don't text him/call him/ email him (whatever the means of communication are) then he will forget about me and it will be over like that? (

 

This goes for all men (unless they are really weak or socially malfunctioned, in which case you don't want them anyway), okay ready?

 

If a guy likes you, you will know it. They will walk the earth to find you. You don't need to text/email/call the guy - because he will be texting/emailing/calling you, unless he is already sitting next to you. You don't have to do anything other than be your natural self. Men need to be the hunter in any relationship. It's been that way since the beginning of time and it continues today.

 

If you don't reach out and you never hear from him, he was never really interested. Men will always respond for some free sex.

 

In every relationship one loves the other a bit more. It is better for it to be the man. If you are wondering if he wants to be with you, he doesn't.

 

And believe me, I learned all this the hard way. Don't chase men.

[Lostgirl186]

I ran into him in the parking lot. He told me that MY self control sucked and that I was bad for his health. He also said he was going to block me so that we couldn't communicate. I was left stunned. Then I text and said "so blocking me is supposed to keep you from cheating again?" And he text "Goodbye" and then blocked my number. I left a voicemail that I thought it was sad he acted so childish when something happened and that he is a horrible person. You can leave voicemail when your blocked but it just won't ring. I'm sitting in my office crying. I am ready to run away. We've talked every day almost for over two years and now I'm just supposed to be ok with not even the possibility of ever speaking again. I am devastated. He's never done this before

[imperfectangel]

Leave him to it. He clearly isn't ok or he wouldn't be reacting this way. Don't chase him. Take this as your chance to escape the affair and rebuild yourself. He's already blocked you so delete his number (s), you don't need them anymore and move on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I ran into him in the parking lot. He told me that MY self control sucked and that I was bad for his health. He also said he was going to block me so that we couldn't communicate. I was left stunned. Then I text and said "so blocking me is supposed to keep you from cheating again?" And he text "Goodbye" and then blocked my number. I left a voicemail that I thought it was sad he acted so childish when something happened and that he is a horrible person. You can leave voicemail when your blocked but it just won't ring. I'm sitting in my office crying. I am ready to run away. We've talked every day almost for over two years and now I'm just supposed to be ok with not even the possibility of ever speaking again. I am devastated. He's never done this before

 

What I want to say, I can't on LS. I am sorry. I can only imagine how you feel.

 

He is feeling guilty and blaming you. He is not a man. I guarantee you that he will be back as soon as the guilties fade. They all come back for one thing. Don't give it to him again. Stay strong.

[ladydesigner]

I ran into him in the parking lot. He told me that MY self control sucked and that I was bad for his health. He also said he was going to block me so that we couldn't communicate. I was left stunned. Then I text and said "so blocking me is supposed to keep you from cheating again?" And he text "Goodbye" and then blocked my number. I left a voicemail that I thought it was sad he acted so childish when something happened and that he is a horrible person. You can leave voicemail when your blocked but it just won't ring. I'm sitting in my office crying. I am ready to run away. We've talked every day almost for over two years and now I'm just supposed to be ok with not even the possibility of ever speaking again. I am devastated. He's never done this before

 

I am infuriated reading what your MM said! He is toxic... Drop him like it's hot!!! Girl do not contact him EVER again! Grieve, cry, get angry, punch a pillow, but do not contact him!

 

He treats his wife the same I am sure these men don't change just because they are in a new relationship! Go silent on this ass!

 

(((Lostgirl186))) please do not take what he said to heart it is definitely more a reflection on him and he showed a REALLY ugly side!

[Chica80]

Ughhh what a complete jerk!!!! LOST he is totally projecting!! All his guilt and lack of self control onto you. No one held him at gunpoint no one forced him. He was there because he wanted to be there. Take this as a gift, that you can really see and move on.

He will be back he always comes back. Remember the last time?

Your worth more than this. You are better than this..

Lots of hugs your way.

[Lostgirl186]

What I want to say, I can't on LS. I am sorry. I can only imagine how you feel.

 

He is feeling guilty and blaming you. He is not a man. I guarantee you that he will be back as soon as the guilties fade. They all come back for one thing. Don't give it to him again. Stay strong.

 

I'm afraid I've hit my breaking point. If I didn't have a child, I would have walked out of my job today, packed a bag, and never looked back. I may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. This was just the icing on the cake. I am not ok this time. We began in inappropriate conversations in October 14 He got me off in his office for the first time Jan 15,the week before we both knew I was moving to a new location. This happened every three or so months for the rest of that year, with some inappropriate texting in between the visits. The hard core sexting, FaceTime sex, started in November of 15 with the first actually physical sex happening in Jan of 16. Immediately after the first encounter he said we couldn't do that again he felt bad etc.. We didn't talk much for that two weeks and then we picked back up on sexting and phone sex until we slept together that march again..we were hot and heavy with talking and sexting from then until our next time alone in June... By talking daily, sexting and phone sex a couple times a week up until then.. And after the nine encounter he started with saying he was done.. We fought on and off all the time in between then and when we slept together Friday.. Never going more than a week without me talking to him... We've literally had sex every other month since January... looking back, I think I wanted him a long time before the flirtation even started, but I thought he was a good Christian man and husband until he flirted with me for the first time. It was awkward and new for the both of us it seemed and it led to this.. It took us over a year to finally sleep together... And now he's just on with never talking to me again.

[Lostgirl186]

Leave him to it. He clearly isn't ok or he wouldn't be reacting this way. Don't chase him. Take this as your chance to escape the affair and rebuild yourself. He's already blocked you so delete his number (s), you don't need them anymore and move on.

 

I've already deleted from my phone, I wish I could delete it from my memory. No matter how much I text him, if I do, he won't know since he's blocked me. I guess he established no contact for me. I am at the lowest of lows right now.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've already deleted from my phone, I wish I could delete it from my memory. No matter how much I text him, if I do, he won't know since he's blocked me. I guess he established no contact for me. I am at the lowest of lows right now.

 

If you stop the PA, you will get better. I promise you. I am living proof.

[imperfectangel]

I've already deleted from my phone, I wish I could delete it from my memory. No matter how much I text him, if I do, he won't know since he's blocked me. I guess he established no contact for me. I am at the lowest of lows right now.

 

I understand how you feel, I really do. Sometimes you have to do a few rounds before you're ready to end it. I get that. I'm the same. I don't know how old your child is but could you print off any responses you get that really make you feel stronger that you could stick around your house? Or keep a screen shot of your post so you really remember how bad he made you feel next time he comes running, because he will come back

 

My mm disappeared on me January-April this year and i literally died inside. God knows what other people thought was happening to me.

 

I will not let him make me feel like that again

 

No matter how bad he treats me or what happens in the future I shut off now. I haven't cried over him since. I've wanted to. But my body just won't. You will get there eventually

 

Here's a quote from a LS poster that I try to remember (think it was Lobe)

 

- he's where he wants to be with who he wants to be with

I actually said this to my mm and he replied with no I want you. Well, guess who's he's on holiday with right now? And no I am not sending this from a much warmer climate so you can guess it ain't me

 

i feel like I've lived on LS this weekend but id rather do that then break NC again

[Lostgirl186]

I understand how you feel, I really do. Sometimes you have to do a few rounds before you're ready to end it. I get that. I'm the same. I don't know how old your child is but could you print off any responses you get that really make you feel stronger that you could stick around your house? Or keep a screen shot of your post so you really remember how bad he made you feel next time he comes running, because he will come back

 

My mm disappeared on me January-April this year and i literally died inside. God knows what other people thought was happening to me.

 

I will not let him make me feel like that again

 

No matter how bad he treats me or what happens in the future I shut off now. I haven't cried over him since. I've wanted to. But my body just won't. You will get there eventually

 

Here's a quote from a LS poster that I try to remember (think it was Lobe)

 

- he's where he wants to be with who he wants to be with

I actually said this to my mm and he replied with no I want you. Well, guess who's he's on holiday with right now? And no I am not sending this from a much warmer climate so you can guess it ain't me

 

i feel like I've lived on LS this weekend but id rather do that then break NC again

 

He won't come back. I was the only thing dragging it alone I realize that now. It was always me. He was fine not talking to me until I came walking in over there, and then text him.. I guess in the back of my mind I always thought "I'll text in a few days, he will be hot again." Now knowing that I can't, that's it's never a possibility again, I feel like it's the end of the world. And I will have to look at him at work functions and soccer games this fall knowing it doesn't hurt him seeing me. Not to mention passing him on the road every morning. I can't breathe guys. I'm dying inside. It feels like I am.

[imperfectangel]

I am 99.9999% certain that my mm was gone for good. He has me blocked all over the place expect for email. I text him once by mistake and when I emailed to apologise he said he didn't get it. I guess he blocked my number for a bit too. Nice.

 

He cancelled on my back in July. That was it for me. The switch flipped. I will always be second, or third, fourth, etc take your pick.

 

I went dark on him. I ignored him. He emailed and text me multiple times a day. I got voicemails asking me to call him etc. That has never happened before. Guess who drove three hours to see me without even knowing exactly where I lived(just my street). Boom. How's that for a turn around?

 

They always come back. Their egos can't stop them. We become their validation.

 

They may not admit it. Who would? Again, ego.

 

Take this time to make yourself strong. I know when you're so far gone you can't ever imagine it but you are me 6 months ago.

 

My affair has been going on for over 10 years and it's taken me less than six months to make so much progress.

 

You will get there.

[Lostgirl186]

I am 99.9999% certain that my mm was gone for good. He has me blocked all over the place expect for email. I text him once by mistake and when I emailed to apologise he said he didn't get it. I guess he blocked my number for a bit too. Nice.

 

He cancelled on my back in July. That was it for me. The switch flipped. I will always be second, or third, fourth, etc take your pick.

 

I went dark on him. I ignored him. He emailed and text me multiple times a day. I got voicemails asking me to call him etc. That has never happened before. Guess who drove three hours to see me without even knowing exactly where I lived(just my street). Boom. How's that for a turn around?

 

They always come back. Their egos can't stop them. We become their validation.

 

They may not admit it. Who would? Again, ego.

 

Take this time to make yourself strong. I know when you're so far gone you can't ever imagine it but you are me 6 months ago.

 

My affair has been going on for over 10 years and it's taken me less than six months to make so much progress.

 

You will get there.

 

 

Do you ever stop beating yourself up for walking into it? For wanting someone who hurts you over and over and didn't appreciate you enough to so much as be nice to you... I feel like I'm in a hole I will never doc myself out of, bc he consumes my every thought. Please tell me that gets better ☹️ In a perfect world I would get better and out of the blue one day he would call or text, and I would be strong enough not to answer. I don't see either of those scenarios hapleneing.. It's like someone said earlier, he's my kryptonite. Makes you wonder- my routine is seeing if he's hot or cold that day... His routine is knowing he's going to hear from me every work day, and that it's his choice whether he responds hot or cold or even at all. It's our pattern, the way we've always been. He doesntwant me to text him or call him... But what's going to happen when he's wondering if I've tried? I hate him. I hate myself.

[imperfectangel]

What you don't want is if he does unblock you is millions of texts suddenly go to his phone.

 

I never did this but it was recommended to me to set up another email address and send all my emails for him there. Like I said I never did it. But t could help you get all your thoughts out. When he ignored me for that 2 Months I emailed him every day because I found once I'd hit send I could focus on other things.

 

Yes I do beat myself up but I can't change what I did, how I allowed him to make me feel etc it is done but it will not happen again. I will not let him get the best of me again.

 

My nc is unofficial he doesn't even know I'm trying to go nc. Haha. He's on holiday right now probably thinking he's da man but he isn't and never will be.

 

These mm are insecure. That's why they need a ow in the first place.

 

You can move on. You can't change how he behaves, what he does or what he thinks. You can only control you and how you react (or don't) to him. No response is still a response.

[ImaginaryDream]

Oh gosh... this finally prompted me to create an account. I've been following this thread since it started (I've been reading LS for 3+ years now, but I never really felt *safe* enough to make an account and tell my story)..

 

LostGirl, I feel your pain so intensely because it is so similar to what I have been through and am currently going through. My MM and I would text and talk, things would build up so intensely... until finally we would share an emotionally physical night, complete with confessions of love and feelings. I would be on top of the world! Usually it ended with him backing away and going cold for a week or two before it heated up again, but this last time... it was so awful. We shared a wonderful night, and I texted him that night talking about some emotional wishywashy stuff, and he was short with me. I said something about it hurting me and he blew up at me. Now I have the silent treatment. I'm not sure how long it will last.. but it's awful. I work with him, so I see him every day and he is so cold to me. I want to grab him and shake him and scream "How can you do this to me?? How can you say all these things to me and then turn away? How dare you treat me like this! How can you so callously hurt someone you said you cared about?" And on and on... It makes you feel used and played. I hurt so bad, so I know how you are hurting right now. I'm trying to tell myself that I am worth so much more than how he is treating me. It's hard, but I repeat that over and over. Maybe eventually it will stick.

 

I just want you to know that you're not alone. Even if people aren't replying or sharing similar stories, they're here and they're reading.

[Ronnie33]

What a freakin jerk. He's mad because he can't control his dick and he's trying to blame you.

 

This guy is emotionally abusive too, he just messes with your head constantly.

 

If he does come back, you need to show him you don't care and he's is nothing. He can't treat you like crap and then come back when ever he wants. He treats like that because he knows he can. You have to show him he has no power, the reason he treats you like this is because he thinks he can.

[Lostgirl186]

Oh gosh... this finally prompted me to create an account. I've been following this thread since it started (I've been reading LS for 3+ years now, but I never really felt *safe* enough to make an account and tell my story)..

 

LostGirl, I feel your pain so intensely because it is so similar to what I have been through and am currently going through. My MM and I would text and talk, things would build up so intensely... until finally we would share an emotionally physical night, complete with confessions of love and feelings. I would be on top of the world! Usually it ended with him backing away and going cold for a week or two before it heated up again, but this last time... it was so awful. We shared a wonderful night, and I texted him that night talking about some emotional wishywashy stuff, and he was short with me. I said something about it hurting me and he blew up at me. Now I have the silent treatment. I'm not sure how long it will last.. but it's awful. I work with him, so I see him every day and he is so cold to me. I want to grab him and shake him and scream "How can you do this to me?? How can you say all these things to me and then turn away? How dare you treat me like this! How can you so callously hurt someone you said you cared about?" And on and on... It makes you feel used and played. I hurt so bad, so I know how you are hurting right now. I'm trying to tell myself that I am worth so much more than how he is treating me. It's hard, but I repeat that over and over. Maybe eventually it will stick.

 

I just want you to know that you're not alone. Even if people aren't replying or sharing similar stories, they're here and they're reading.

 

Thank you for sharing.. We've never done the I love you's or even the I care about yous.. But it still hurts like hell non the less. I'm sorry you are going thru this also. I have cried and Hurt today until I feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out... And get this, I pass him on the road after all of this and he has the audicty to wave at me.

[Rikki67]

Isn't it amazing how they can just turn it off and on without so much as blinking?!

And we are stuck feeling like crap, while they wave as we pass!

[Lostgirl186]

Isn't it amazing how they can just turn it off and on without so much as blinking?!

And we are stuck feeling like crap, while they wave as we pass!

 

It's like it never happened in his mind.

 

I haven't shared much about my marriage other than its not a good one. I came home to a rage. I have a very emotionally and verbally abusive H. I'm his punching bag. And I have been punched so to speak all evening. as cliche as it sounds, my MM is what has been keeping me satisfied and staying in this hell for my son. Now my son is all I have if it weren't for him... I pray sometimes to go to sleep and just not wake up.

[Chica80]

It's like it never happened in his mind.

 

I haven't shared much about my marriage other than its not a good one. I came home to a rage. I have a very emotionally and verbally abusive H. I'm his punching bag. And I have been punched so to speak all evening. as cliche as it sounds, my MM is what has been keeping me satisfied and staying in this hell for my son. Now my son is all I have if it weren't for him... I pray sometimes to go to sleep and just not wake up.

 

LOST. My heart aches for you. You don't have to stay. I know it's easier said than done. But until you say enough is enough you will still stay stuck in that hole. I know the hole I know the deepest darkest hole. And your partner who is supposed to love you and support you pushes you further into the hole. Where it feels like death is the only way out, because the pain is too much to bare.

 

BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

 

This man who you think loves you uses you and discards you like you're nothing. Because you believe the lies that H says. But that's what they are lies all lies.

 

You can do this. Don't give up.

[Anne5113]

Lostgirl,

 

His cold & emotionless actions only prove he is not remorseful for anything!! Not betraying his spouse or using you & tossing you aside. I have NO doubt that he will find a way to try to slither back into your life at some point. Once this happens a couple of times you start to obsess about how long it will be, each time you begin to feel like you are dying from the pain, then in comes MM like your knight in shining armor. It doesn't matter what he did that hurt you, you have him back!! You finally have relief from the misery without him. It's advanced level grooming combined with covering his butt on the home front. Prepare for it, because it will happen. Don't wonder if he will, know that he will. Let that give you a tiny bit of comfort to pick yourself up & do whatever it takes to let this be it on your terms, because nothing else ever seems to be in affairs.