"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[rainbowsandkittens]

Walking home from the gym and I stop at a light. I look across the street and see the exact spot I met xMM a year. I stood there staring at that spot a little longer than I should have. Natalie imbruglia's Torn was playing which was so perfect. (You probably all already know this song but it was hard for me to cut and paste the lyrics so humor me please. Lol)

 

I thought I saw a man brought to life

He was warm, he came around and he was dignified

He showed me what it was to cry

 

Well, you couldn't be that man I adored

You don't seem to know, seem to care what your heart is for

But I don't know him anymore

 

There's nothing where he used to lie

The conversation has run dry

That's what's goin' on

Nothing's fine, I'm torn

 

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed

Into something real

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

You're a little late

I'm already torn

 

So I guess the fortune teller's right

Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light

But you crawled beneath my veins and now

 

I don't care, I have no luck

I don't miss it all that much

There's just so many things

That I can't touch, I'm torn

 

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed

Into something real

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

You're a little late

I'm already torn

Torn

 

There's nothing where he used to lie

My inspiration has run dry

That's what's goin' on

Nothing's right, I'm torn

 

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed

Into something real

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

 

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I'm ashamed

Bound and broken on the floor

You're a little late

I'm already torn

Torn (oh)

 

I keep thinking 'illusion never changed into something real' is the crux of what we're all going through, right? I like midnight's plan to meet him elsewhere if you really need to see him. There really is nothing To be gained by seeing him though.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Oops. Sorry. I could have narrowed that down. I'm on my phone which makes everything harder. And yet another perfect sad song is playing. I need some happier music (that's not the Hamilton soundtrack).

[imperfectangel]

Well I am surprised (but glad) I kept my phone on silent last night thinking he would call. He didn't. I'm so relieved. I hope this is the end.

[Adoraxx]

Angel, can't you leave a note on the door for the delivery men? A note that says something like "I'm not at home but you can leave my packages at the neighbor's house" or whatever (and then make sure your neighbor knows about it) . That depends of course on in what kind of neighborhood you live but that's what I could do if I was in your situation.

 

And what happens if the delivery men find no one is at home at your place without leaving a note on the door? Will they come back tomorrow? Here they will come back the next day (and I wouldn't even necessarily have to leave a note on the door for delivery at the neighbor's because that's what they do more often) (oh and btw my next door neighbor is not xMM )

 

I'm just like you though in that I get all soft when I'm around xMM. It's like I'm hypnotized when I'm with him so I really do hope you won't go to see him whether it's at home or at Starbucks or wherever . Hugs!!

[Adoraxx]

@ PRIVATEGAL (sorry for the caps , I'm not shouting at you just hoping that you will see my post )

 

Can you tell me again how it was in the days before you left for your new town? Did you have one last talk with xMM / did you send him one last email? What did you say and how did it go?

 

I remember you still had some contact at first while you were in your new town and I remember you telling me to have a clear ending but I can't remember exactly what happened in the days before the move?

 

Hugs,

Adoraxx

[imperfectangel]

Idk what's gonna happen today.

 

It's only 8.25 am and he's emailed me, text me twice and called me.

 

I hope he doesn't turn up

[Adoraxx]

Idk what's gonna happen today.

 

It's only 8.25 am and he's emailed me, text me twice and called me.

 

I hope he doesn't turn up

 

I think he is on his way don't you think? Did you pick up the phone when he called? Can you go some place else or do you want to face him?

I wish you much strength and wisdom!!!! Hugs

[imperfectangel]

I am dying. If he's coming he'll be here in the next 40 minutes. He said he could be here by 10am (10 minutes). I think he's on his way but I really hope he isn't.

 

My deliveries are coming between 9.50 and 10.50. Typical. All neighbours are out (that I would trust - one is a phone).

 

I can't breathe

[elaine567]

I am dying. If he's coming he'll be here in the next 40 minutes. He said he could be here by 10am (10 minutes). I think he's on his way but I really hope he isn't.

 

My deliveries are coming between 9.50 and 10.50. Typical. All neighbours are out (that I would trust - one is a phone).

 

I can't breathe

 

Most delivery companies have some way of postponing the delivery if you are not going to be in, you can even arrange to pick the stuff up at the depot.

Also if you are out they usually just take them away again and try again tomorrow anyway.

 

If I were you I would not stick around if you think he may be on his way.

[imperfectangel]

I needed them all for a birthday tomorrow.

 

Anyway he didn't come. I am relieved.

 

I'm debating whether to send my nc email or not. Something for me to think about.

[Adoraxx]

I needed them all for a birthday tomorrow.

 

Anyway he didn't come. I am relieved.

 

I'm debating whether to send my nc email or not. Something for me to think about.

 

So what is he doing?? Is he playing jokes with you, telling that he comes and then he doesn't?? Just to get you all nervous and on edge? I'm glad he didn't come but now you still won't know when or if he comes. xx

[imperfectangel]

I have no idea. I'm glad he didn't come. I ignored all his messages. 3 emails, texts and phone calls - all ignored.

 

I'm debating whether to send my nc email or whether to just leave it and see what happens

[Adoraxx]

I have no idea. I'm glad he didn't come. I ignored all his messages. 3 emails, texts and phone calls - all ignored.

 

I'm debating whether to send my nc email or whether to just leave it and see what happens

 

If you're not sure about the NC email, I would just leave it and see what happens and then maybe send that NC email a few days from now

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have no idea. I'm glad he didn't come. I ignored all his messages. 3 emails, texts and phone calls - all ignored.

 

I'm debating whether to send my nc email or whether to just leave it and see what happens

 

GOOD FOR YOU.

 

About Private Gal - she PMed me that she was leaving the boards.

 

I had my meeting today and xMM was right there by where I sit in the front (I'm on the "board"). He was obviously waiting and as I came in to put my stuff down he said, "Hello Mid!!" (he uses my short nickname which sounds like a boy when he is being really "good"). Then we go up to get breakfast and he hung back till I went so he could approach me and asked a pointless question to me to which I mumbled an answer without looking at him.

 

Obviously he is fine and dandy and gets a kick out of this. I wonder what his BS would think as he has assured her we have no communication and I am the one pursuing him.

 

But you all inspired me though with all this talk of NC emails. I sent him a text saying "Please refrain from unnecessary communication with me. I am trying to feel better and move on. Show a little compassion. Thank you."

 

I liked what I wrote as it was real, not mean and it truly reflected where I am right now. I cannot be his friend for my own reasons plus my marriage, I have no desire to be his friend because I think he is not a good person, I want to feel better and just move on. It was not some ploy in the pick me dance.

 

The nice thing about texting someone in the room is I got to see his face in real time. He looked right at me and tried to meet my eyes. He got me for 2 seconds by accident but I did not look at him at all, even during his speaking parts. He did not approach me again or come near me, which is all I wanted at this point. I could not tell you what he thought or felt, but I can tell you that I feel good, I finally said please don't contact me. I actually never really did that. It felt good.

 

No communication = no new hurts = no new lies

[Adoraxx]

GOOD FOR YOU.

 

About Private Gal - she PMed me that she was leaving the boards.

 

I had my meeting today and xMM was right there by where I sit in the front (I'm on the "board"). He was obviously waiting and as I came in to put my stuff down he said, "Hello Mid!!" (he uses my short nickname which sounds like a boy when he is being really "good"). Then we go up to get breakfast and he hung back till I went so he could approach me and asked a pointless question to me to which I mumbled an answer without looking at him.

 

Obviously he is fine and dandy and gets a kick out of this. I wonder what his BS would think as he has assured her we have no communication and I am the one pursuing him.

 

But you all inspired me though with all this talk of NC emails. I sent him a text saying "Please refrain from unnecessary communication with me. I am trying to feel better and move on. Show a little compassion. Thank you."

 

I liked what I wrote as it was real, not mean and it truly reflected where I am right now. I cannot be his friend for my own reasons plus my marriage, I have no desire to be his friend because I think he is not a good person, I want to feel better and just move on. It was not some ploy in the pick me dance.

 

The nice thing about texting someone in the room is I got to see his face in real time. He looked right at me and tried to meet my eyes. He got me for 2 seconds by accident but I did not look at him at all, even during his speaking parts. He did not approach me again or come near me, which is all I wanted at this point. I could not tell you what he thought or felt, but I can tell you that I feel good, I finally said please don't contact me. I actually never really did that. It felt good.

 

No communication = no new hurts = no new lies

 

Good job, Midnight!! And thanks for letting me know about Private

[HeCantBreakMe]

GOOD FOR YOU.

 

About Private Gal - she PMed me that she was leaving the boards.

 

I had my meeting today and xMM was right there by where I sit in the front (I'm on the "board"). He was obviously waiting and as I came in to put my stuff down he said, "Hello Mid!!" (he uses my short nickname which sounds like a boy when he is being really "good"). Then we go up to get breakfast and he hung back till I went so he could approach me and asked a pointless question to me to which I mumbled an answer without looking at him.

 

Obviously he is fine and dandy and gets a kick out of this. I wonder what his BS would think as he has assured her we have no communication and I am the one pursuing him.

 

But you all inspired me though with all this talk of NC emails. I sent him a text saying "Please refrain from unnecessary communication with me. I am trying to feel better and move on. Show a little compassion. Thank you."

 

I liked what I wrote as it was real, not mean and it truly reflected where I am right now. I cannot be his friend for my own reasons plus my marriage, I have no desire to be his friend because I think he is not a good person, I want to feel better and just move on. It was not some ploy in the pick me dance.

 

The nice thing about texting someone in the room is I got to see his face in real time. He looked right at me and tried to meet my eyes. He got me for 2 seconds by accident but I did not look at him at all, even during his speaking parts. He did not approach me again or come near me, which is all I wanted at this point. I could not tell you what he thought or felt, but I can tell you that I feel good, I finally said please don't contact me. I actually never really did that. It felt good.

 

No communication = no new hurts = no new lies

 

I feel like our situations are so eerily similar. Good for you in telling him not to contact you. I understand the need for no communication and it is about us and our marriages. I think his marriage has calmed down a bit -BS is feeling a bit more comfortable and so he is feeling the 'edge' again boredom or whatever it was that led him into the affair in the first place and he is seeking you out again... He wants you to feed that part of him so he can feel alive because rather than fix what is wrong with him and in his marriage he continues to find it easier to seek outside. MM who continue this pattern are the biggest cowards of all, IMO.

 

I am curious though Midnight why have you chosen to stay in your job? Why not look for a new job and let all of this be in the past? Is it about trying to prove to yourself - your husband that you can fight this and you are stronger? no judgement just curious. I do not think i am strong enough to stay in my job and be able to work on myself and my marriage. I am in awe of you for being able to do this but also wonder if it has made your healing process more difficult.

 

Keep your chin up - we are stronger and better than this. We may have made poor choices but we have chosen not to let them define us. We have chosen the path of resistance rather than the path of a coward.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I have no idea. I'm glad he didn't come. I ignored all his messages. 3 emails, texts and phone calls - all ignored.

 

I'm debating whether to send my nc email or whether to just leave it and see what happens

 

I am guessing he didn't come because he is a coward. Same reason he isn't making any decisions - be with you or his wife. Keep moving forward it is the only path available to you right now. Forward is healing - backwards is pain. Do not let MM decide what path you go down- you are doing great!

[ladydesigner]

Yas! Go MidnightBlue1980 and Imperfectangel you ladies are taking your power back! It's a good feeling isn't it? I know you were anxious Imperfectangel but you did it... you didn't answer his texts and calls. Way to go!

[imperfectangel]

Thanks everyone.

 

It's been a hard day.

 

I'll update properly later. This really isn't that "I am awesome" feeling I was expecting

[MidnightBlue1980]

I feel like our situations are so eerily similar. Good for you in telling him not to contact you. I understand the need for no communication and it is about us and our marriages. I think his marriage has calmed down a bit -BS is feeling a bit more comfortable and so he is feeling the 'edge' again boredom or whatever it was that led him into the affair in the first place and he is seeking you out again... He wants you to feed that part of him so he can feel alive because rather than fix what is wrong with him and in his marriage he continues to find it easier to seek outside. MM who continue this pattern are the biggest cowards of all, IMO.

 

I am curious though Midnight why have you chosen to stay in your job? Why not look for a new job and let all of this be in the past? Is it about trying to prove to yourself - your husband that you can fight this and you are stronger? no judgement just curious. I do not think i am strong enough to stay in my job and be able to work on myself and my marriage. I am in awe of you for being able to do this but also wonder if it has made your healing process more difficult.

 

Keep your chin up - we are stronger and better than this. We may have made poor choices but we have chosen not to let them define us. We have chosen the path of resistance rather than the path of a coward.

 

You are correct about his BS. He told me in May that she was more secure and that he was able to talk to me again as she was not monitoring him as closely. Long story short, I am not interested in being friends for a bunch of reasons - why risk my own marriage, I don't trust him, it hurts me and so on.

 

As for why I don't leave - it would be difficult if it was a job, seeing him daily. I only see him once a week for 2 hours. I have my own business and am there to support my business. I spent years gaining respect from the people and there is a true financial aspect for me being there. Why should I leave? Why should I run? Run and lose everything I have been working for over someone who could give a crap about me? Men do not run.

 

So those are the reasons I stay. I am fighting through it as I feel it is a personal challenge in my life. My H was the one who said all that, said I always run and when you run and don't deal with your problems, you recreate them at a later point.

 

My H is somewhat back and forth on it. He is not worried from the point of an A, he just not like me there with someone he considers a sociopath. At the same time, he wants me to succeed professionally and personally. He is aware of everything MM says to me and it is precisely why he is against monitoring your spouse. The person has to decide to stop contact on his or her own. If a spouse is a prison guard, the WS will always been looking for an escape route.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am in awe of you for being able to do this but also wonder if it has made your healing process more difficult.

 

.

 

On one hand, yes. Seeing him has made it very difficult. I used to cry for 2 days after each time I saw him and it was a rollercoaster of emotions. On the other hand, I got to see him in real time and he is no Prince Charming. If it had just ended and I never saw him again, I'd always have him on this pedestal when the truth is Prince Charming was only Prince Charming because he wanted a blow job.

[imperfectangel]

Lol MB - too true!!

 

Today's been really, really hard.

 

A huge anti climax

 

I was expecting to feel "free", happy that I've got one over him etc but I don't. I feel sad. I miss him. It's very hard to ignore someone you want to spend your life with. I want to wake up every morning with this man yet at the same time I'm not even taking his calls

 

Long term it is for the best - I see that but letting go is extremely hard.

 

He didn't reply to my last email 8 days ago, yet blew up my phone this morning trying to come over just shows that when they want something, they find the motivation

 

Sex is all it is to him, even though he says it isn't it's all it can be since he has told me he will be staying married

 

I want to send my nc email but at the same time I'm not ready. I know there is no going back after that.

 

I really miss him, affair aside he's a really nice person. Sometimes nice people do bad things. An affair doesn't make him evil though I'm trying to hold on to all the horrible things he put me through.

 

Like ghosting me for weeks/once for 2 months at a time. Didn't tell me when he got married thoigh it is 8/9 years ago now so really when I kept on seeing him can I hold that against him?

 

He also never told me when he had his 1,2,3 children. This really upset me. Not because he had children but because I would have never ever seen him had I known she was pregnant.

 

Yes even OW have some boundaries deep down.

 

I've probably said more than I should. No more wine for me. But better I pot here than email him

 

I hope private girl is ok

[Forever broken]

Imperfectangel, pls be strong and do not allow him to come. Firmly email him and tell him to stay away. He will come, sweet talk you, have his way with you, then go home to his spouse leaving you heartbroken all over. I know is easier said than done but try and stay firm.

[imperfectangel]

Well that's why I ignored him because that's what happened last time.

 

It's a 3 hr trip, I can't see him travelling that way if he doesn't even know I'm in.

 

If Id replied he would've known I was home and I can't deal with these things face to face

[Forever broken]

Very proud of you imperfectangel. Is not easy because we truly love them but their actions on the other hand show likewise. We must learn to treat them, the same way they treat us. Easier said than done though lol