"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[MidnightBlue1980]

I really miss him, affair aside he's a really nice person. Sometimes nice people do bad things. An affair doesn't make him evil though I'm trying to hold on to all the horrible things he put me through.

 

Sometimes nice people do good things, yes. But a person who keeps you an emotional prisoner for 11 years for their own pleasure is not a nice person. Words like sociopath, narcissist, come to mind.

[jenkins95]

Midnight, forever, ia, pg, hcbm and others.

 

You seem to be in a similar place right now and I for one think you are doing brilliantly. It's so great that you are here to support each other.

 

As an xMM, I can't reach out to my xow, but privately i pray that she's doing OK. And I can at least send (((hugs))) to all of you because I'm very proud of all of you.

 

The good person/bad person thing is an interesting point. I feel that we really need to be judged on our behaviour "in that moment", so while I have always been considered "a good person" throughout my life, and believe that I am right now, I clearly was not a good person during the A. That "other me" lurks in my psyche somewhere and now that I know about him, I will have to be on guard all my life to ensure he stays hidden away in the shadows and does not "take the controls" ever again.

 

Another day, another step to recovery all. You can do it, we can do it together x

[Forever broken]

Jenkins, thank you so much for your post. It is highly appreciated. This is a great step to my recovery especially knowing you still wish the best for your XOW although you are not together anymore. Thank you.

[Outofmysystem]

Ladies, much like Jenkins, I too wish you well on your will power and take back. It has been hard for me over these last few weeks with my xMOW getting divorced and still catching her on the way to work. I know that other person that I was with her is buried too inside my mind, the memories play like a cruel movie that I can't control sometimes...and I also wish her nothing but the best, but still longing to hold her again and give her one more long kiss and run my fingers through her hair. It is a tough battle, triggers all though out this month as it has been a year since.....it is better than it was, but it is still such a struggle.....

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am struggling tonight. It was difficult today. He gets to me and even though I sent him my NC text during the meeting, my strong feeling turned to anger and hatred. I did something stupid and unblocked him and his wife on FB and she had changed her pic to a pic of the three of them from just yesterday. He was all happy, with his arm around her.

 

Seeing the happy trio, after he follows me around today, destroying my life, my self confidence and my mind for the last year, makes me want to vomit. All the LIES. I want to destroy his happy life. I want to send her all the communication so she sees that the marriage counseling is a big lie - that he is lying to her. I want to send her all the I love yous and tell her all the lies he said about her, all the cruel things about her - how she is fat, stupid, sexless, a loser, how he would leave her. I have it all in writing. I want to make him pay. I want to tell his job, her family's company, so he gets fired. I want to burn his whole world down till there is nothing left but ashes. I hate him. I wish he would drop dead.

 

The anger boils inside me. The rage. It's not right, I have been dealing with the aftermath for 9 months here while he fed her a bunch of lies and she bought it all. She has no idea what a lying, cheating, piece of crap he is. He ruined my life and even though I would bring myself down with him, I'd do anything right now to see him suffer.

[imperfectangel]

MB. I'm not at the anger stage yet and if you would damage your own career then he isn't worth it.

 

If there were no repercussions on you id say do it, if only for the closure it would/could bring you

 

But he isn't worth losing money over, ruining your career over.

 

Could you do something this weekend like you did the last? Try to keep busy?

[Chica80]

I am struggling tonight. It was difficult today. He gets to me and even though I sent him my NC text during the meeting, my strong feeling turned to anger and hatred. I did something stupid and unblocked him and his wife on FB and she had changed her pic to a pic of the three of them from just yesterday. He was all happy, with his arm around her.

 

Seeing the happy trio, after he follows me around today, destroying my life, my self confidence and my mind for the last year, makes me want to vomit. All the LIES. I want to destroy his happy life. I want to send her all the communication so she sees that the marriage counseling is a big lie - that he is lying to her. I want to send her all the I love yous and tell her all the lies he said about her, all the cruel things about her - how she is fat, stupid, sexless, a loser, how he would leave her. I have it all in writing. I want to make him pay. I want to tell his job, her family's company, so he gets fired. I want to burn his whole world down till there is nothing left but ashes. I hate him. I wish he would drop dead.

 

The anger boils inside me. The rage. It's not right, I have been dealing with the aftermath for 9 months here while he fed her a bunch of lies and she bought it all. She has no idea what a lying, cheating, piece of crap he is. He ruined my life and even though I would bring myself down with him, I'd do anything right now to see him suffer.

 

 

MB....I know this feeling. I know this feeling so well. I am sorry you're having a hard tonight. You think to yourself why does he get everything...why does he get to be so happy, happy family and I get....pain anger loneliness..

Hang in there you have come so far. I wish I could say more, but I'm not doing so well myself tonight. So you're not alone.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MB. I'm not at the anger stage yet and if you would damage your own career then he isn't worth it.

 

If there were no repercussions on you id say do it, if only for the closure it would/could bring you

 

But he isn't worth losing money over, ruining your career over.

 

Could you do something this weekend like you did the last? Try to keep busy?

 

Thank you for responding. Being alone with all this is the worst part.

 

No, he is not worth losing my career over and the sad part is his wife has such low self esteem (quote from mm), she would not care anyway. My husband already told her the things he said about her.

 

I am not going to do anything. You are right, it would destroy me probably more than him.

 

It's just that, where is the karma, you know? I get that none of us here are angels but these guys, they just keep the pain coming.

 

It is just rough at times and I get so angry and cry. No consequences for him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MB....I know this feeling. I know this feeling so well. I am sorry you're having a hard tonight. You think to yourself why does he get everything...why does he get to be so happy, happy family and I get....pain anger loneliness..

Hang in there you have come so far. I wish I could say more, but I'm not doing so well myself tonight. So you're not alone.

 

Thank you Sunshine. I am aware that FB is deceptive but he did look happy. Honestly it's the lies the past months. He told me he was going to leave our mutual place but it was all lies. I just hate him. I admit I want him to suffer.

[imperfectangel]

Thank you for responding. Being alone with all this is the worst part.

 

No, he is not worth losing my career over and the sad part is his wife has such low self esteem (quote from mm), she would not care anyway. My husband already told her the things he said about her.

 

I am not going to do anything. You are right, it would destroy me probably more than him.

 

It's just that, where is the karma, you know? I get that none of us here are angels but these guys, they just keep the pain coming.

 

It is just rough at times and I get so angry and cry. No consequences for him.

 

I think they do get sad but men just think differently. Compartmentalise etc.

 

You told me about his reaction to your text yesterday, that shows it does affect him

 

They just don't process or maybe even have emotions like us.

 

It's taken me a really really long time to realise this.

 

You know you can pm me anytime, even if it's just to vent

[Jersey born raised]

Hi midnight,

 

You actually have resolution, it is an important first step. This part your going though right now is acceptance. Acceptance that you let a low life use you for cheap ego kibbles. That you actually allowed yourself to be used by letting pathetic little man into your life.

 

Focus this anger to other matters and use it as a spur. I made huge changes using my anger and self-sacrifice. Dig deep into yourself to find yourself and grow into a woman who will not be driven by past trauma.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi midnight,

 

You actually have resolution, it is an important first step. This part your going though right now is acceptance. Acceptance that you let a low life use you for cheap ego kibbles. That you actually allowed yourself to be used by letting pathetic little man into your life.

 

Focus this anger to other matters and use it as a spur. I made huge changes using my anger and self-sacrifice. Dig deep into yourself to find yourself and grow into a woman who will not be driven by past trauma.

 

This sounds wonderful. I have no idea how to do it though. But it is a positive thought.

[Chica80]

Thank you Sunshine. I am aware that FB is deceptive but he did look happy. Honestly it's the lies the past months. He told me he was going to leave our mutual place but it was all lies. I just hate him. I admit I want him to suffer.

 

Ya FB sucks...

I sent him a text this morning. He did not respond all day. I sent a text later "are you ignoring me or did you not get my text?" He replied oh he was gone all day. Then I see pics on FB another friend had posted. It was her, MM and W in pic. (he and my friend are at a conference for wrk, W joined).

Ugh... it felt so ugghhh seeing they're pic together.

And I know, I know she is his wife. Still hurts. Still feels awful. Because she is his life. I am not. She gets to have parts of him be a part of his life I never will.

Also because he is not off limits still, in a way. Some people say they do not text weekends or holidays. Nope no off limits for me. He still talks to me text whenever. Lots of times he will fall asleep while talking/texting to me at night (instead of his bed). Not fair! Who is that fair to no one.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ya FB sucks...

I sent him a text this morning. He did not respond all day. I sent a text later "are you ignoring me or did you not get my text?" He replied oh he was gone all day. Then I see pics on FB another friend had posted. It was her, MM and W in pic. (he and my friend are at a conference for wrk, W joined).

Ugh... it felt so ugghhh seeing they're pic together.

And I know, I know she is his wife. Still hurts. Still feels awful. Because she is his life. I am not. She gets to have parts of him be a part of his life I never will.

Also because he is not off limits still, in a way. Some people say they do not text weekends or holidays. Nope no off limits for me. He still talks to me text whenever. Lots of times he will fall asleep while talking/texting to me at night (instead of his bed). Not fair! Who is that fair to no one.

 

She is not his life if he is texting you at night or whenever. I hear you though. Obviously. I am able to see your situation a bit objectively so if it makes you feel better, she does not have all of him. Of course that probably makes you mad at mm. It should. He is being so unfair to both of you.

 

Lobe posted somewhere on a thread where the OP was jealous of the wife - she said that his wife loves him as much as you do. I think about that a lot. Personally if my H said the things mm said about his wife, I am not sure I'd stay, but she must really love him. She's happy. Who am I to kill that fantasy.

 

The reason I unblocked them was sometimes we all need a dose of reality. These guys...they act like the wife doesn' exist and they are trapped in the marriage like a prison. Its good to see the truth at times. Even though it is like knives.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi midnight,

 

You actually have resolution, it is an important first step. This part your going though right now is acceptance. Acceptance that you let a low life use you for cheap ego kibbles. That you actually allowed yourself to be used by letting pathetic little man into your life.

 

Focus this anger to other matters and use it as a spur. I made huge changes using my anger and self-sacrifice. Dig deep into yourself to find yourself and grow into a woman who will not be driven by past trauma.

 

I really like this. I am not sure how to accomplish it right now but it's calming.

[Chica80]

She is not his life if he is texting you at night or whenever. I hear you though. Obviously. I am able to see your situation a bit objectively so if it makes you feel better, she does not have all of him. Of course that probably makes you mad at mm. It should. He is being so unfair to both of you.

 

Lobe posted somewhere on a thread where the OP was jealous of the wife - she said that his wife loves him as much as you do. I think about that a lot. Personally if my H said the things mm said about his wife, I am not sure I'd stay, but she must really love him. She's happy. Who am I to kill that fantasy.

 

The reason I unblocked them was sometimes we all need a dose of reality. These guys...they act like the wife doesn' exist and they are trapped in the marriage like a prison. Its good to see the truth at times. Even though it is like knives.

 

Thank you....I don't know if it makes me feel better. Yes it does make me mad. If I wasn't in the middle I would think he is a complete selfish coward. Because I think it's unfair to me and it's unfair to her. At least I know what is going on. She has no idea. At least consciously.

[Grey Cloud]

Imperfect - I know you are not feeling "awesome" right now but the alternative is that he came to see you, you had sex, he disappears again and stops talking to you again for a while. You wouldn't feel awesome then either. You can't really win either way. Having said that, you made the right decision in order to move forwards for the future. Everything appears to be on his terms. You get in contact, he doesn't respond for 8 days and then blows up your phone? I am so glad you ignored him because he is calling all the shots!

 

Also, he is not a true friend if he kept it hidden/didn't tell you that he got married and the birth of his 3 children. That to me shows his true intentions. He wanted to keep you on the side for future sex. He knew by telling you that you would have boundaries. Omission of the truth is manipulation at its best! Even if he is a nice guy generally.

 

Midnight - I hear you. I have had the same thoughts. His wife is still going through life thinking she has a wonderful, loyal, committed husband. if only she knew the truth. There are two things that stop me: 1. I don't want to destroy her world because I also had a part to play in the whole thing and I would feel terrible afterwards as a person if I exposed and 2. My xMM is the ultimate gas lighter and manipulator that even if she read things in black and white he would have a way of spinning the story to his own benefit. I would come off as the complete crazy one, a stalker and husband stealer. And because she loves him she will want to believe him. It's just not worth it. Karma is living your life with integrity and happiness. That is the best result. As your xMM will never change.

 

Sunshine - what is happening now with your MM? Are you trying to be friends? does he still try it on? Texting you at all hours is the ultimate cake eating! Be strong!

[imperfectangel]

I wish I could get to the anger phase. I just don't feel it. I feel very, very low. I haven't cried but I'm really sad, snappy with everyone.

 

I found it hard to function this morning.

 

I haven't sent my nc email. Letting him wonder where I am or what's going on etc is the only card I have to play. No, it shouldn't be a game but sometimes you just have to.

 

Why should I let him have peace of mind when I literally felt like dying when he ignored me January-April. All because he was mad that I was annoyed about finding out about his third kid.

 

i just want to not care anymore

[Chica80]

 

Sunshine - what is happening now with your MM? Are you trying to be friends? does he still try it on? Texting you at all hours is the ultimate cake eating! Be strong!

 

Hi Grey... Nothing is happening if I want to text to him or talk to him I will.

If I want to stay away and distance myself then I will.

 

I think in his mind it is ok because we are not physically intimate. Not meeting outside of wrk seems to be the only rule I am sticking to. He won't contact me first. Will "give me my space" Why should he I always come back. Friends is not the right word.

Things are what they are. I come back, he stays around for when I need him or want him. He won't ever tell me not to talk to him or see him. And if I ever do look like I'm totally moving on or pulling away.....he just tugs on the heart strings a little. We are like two broken peas in a pod.

 

thanks for listening

[MidnightBlue1980]

I wish I could get to the anger phase. I just don't feel it. I feel very, very low. I haven't cried but I'm really sad, snappy with everyone.

 

I found it hard to function this morning.

 

I haven't sent my nc email. Letting him wonder where I am or what's going on etc is the only card I have to play. No, it shouldn't be a game but sometimes you just have to.

 

Why should I let him have peace of mind when I literally felt like dying when he ignored me January-April. All because he was mad that I was annoyed about finding out about his third kid.

 

i just want to not care anymore

 

It will take time. You will have to go through a lot of stages. When you get angry, it will be huge. 11 years of your life on this guy. You have not processed that yet. At least you are still young. Early 30s right? You can still meet someone and have more kids.

 

I go back and forth between not caring and white anger.

 

I cannot really comment on an 11 year A though. I would expect you would actually have an easier time moving on. You can move and just meet someone, get on with your life. He though has been with you for his entire marriage. His marriage is not even real to him and without you in the background, well, he may not easily just go away. He may not be able to function now without both of you. You are going to have to be really strong.

[imperfectangel]

His marriage can only be his concern. I've spent too much time worrying about his feelings. For instance I would email spill my soul out and then he'd say I hadn't explained anything to him (it was probably just not what he wanted to hear)

 

He may prefer life like that. He can be free to enjoy his family. He may realise he does want us to be together and make steps for that to happen. He may stay with her and be miserable. I don't know and eventually I hope I don't care.

 

I had plans to move back to my home town. Unfortunately that is near mm. I've put those plans on hold now. I don't want to risk bumping into him. I know I will cave.

 

I may even move somewhere else and start completely afresh.

 

I really feel like I want to move but I think it's more because mm knows where I live and I want the freedom of knowing he won't turn up.

 

I don't know what my next steps are but its day 10 nc for me and I have no plans to cave in. I had to sit on my hands on Monday, I don't have that urge anymore to contact him. For now, at least

[HeCantBreakMe]

I am struggling tonight. It was difficult today. He gets to me and even though I sent him my NC text during the meeting, my strong feeling turned to anger and hatred. I did something stupid and unblocked him and his wife on FB and she had changed her pic to a pic of the three of them from just yesterday. He was all happy, with his arm around her.

 

Seeing the happy trio, after he follows me around today, destroying my life, my self confidence and my mind for the last year, makes me want to vomit. All the LIES. I want to destroy his happy life. I want to send her all the communication so she sees that the marriage counseling is a big lie - that he is lying to her. I want to send her all the I love yous and tell her all the lies he said about her, all the cruel things about her - how she is fat, stupid, sexless, a loser, how he would leave her. I have it all in writing. I want to make him pay. I want to tell his job, her family's company, so he gets fired. I want to burn his whole world down till there is nothing left but ashes. I hate him. I wish he would drop dead.

 

The anger boils inside me. The rage. It's not right, I have been dealing with the aftermath for 9 months here while he fed her a bunch of lies and she bought it all. She has no idea what a lying, cheating, piece of crap he is. He ruined my life and even though I would bring myself down with him, I'd do anything right now to see him suffer.

 

MB, i want to give you a big hug today. I can feel your rage and anger in your post. I understand being SICK and TIRED of these feelings for someone who is a complete POS. THEN you get ANGRY with yourself for having these feelings for a person such as your MM/my MM doesn't matter they are all the same. I realized, after meeting with my counselor, that I am experiencing emotion with MM and numbness with my husband based on my actions and where my brain has been 'trained' over the past year. EMotions turned on for MM turned off for hubby. And i am trying with all of my might to shut emotions down for MM and turn them on for hubby but it isn't something i can do overnight.

 

Just know, I feel your pain, i am living your pain and i understand your hurt. Nothing any of us can say can take the hurt away or make it better. Time and space are really your best friends. Maybe the pain never goes away and maybe we need to understand that and just accept it as a constant companion rather than grow angry with ourselves that it is still there?

 

I wish I could get to the anger phase. I just don't feel it. I feel very, very low. I haven't cried but I'm really sad, snappy with everyone.

 

I found it hard to function this morning.

 

I haven't sent my nc email. Letting him wonder where I am or what's going on etc is the only card I have to play. No, it shouldn't be a game but sometimes you just have to.

 

Why should I let him have peace of mind when I literally felt like dying when he ignored me January-April. All because he was mad that I was annoyed about finding out about his third kid.

 

i just want to not care anymore

 

You will find it hard to function some mornings and some hours. THEN you will feel like you are a champion because you took back your life all within the same hour. Let the emotions come - use them to push you forward. Do NOT push them down and try to put them in a box. I did this and it got to a point where they nearly choked me and i went back to my MM because i couldn't handle them when they broke free of that box.

 

Have you read the post about the woman who was pregnant by MM and then lost the baby? Read it, and find your anger at her situation and use that to keep pulling yourself out of this hole.

[Jersey born raised]

Imperfectangel,

 

So if a good looking guy just offered you a sugar babe relationship your ok with this and would serious considered it? How about if a guy you know offered you a nice trip to Europe, or a couple thousand for a week-end? Touch a nerve, pissed, and spiting venom? I mean super pissed about to be banned if you posted what you really think of me, mad? Good now substitute ego kibbles with nothing but emptiness and despair for a future. Until you do what I suggest this adultery will continue.

 

I said it before you deserve better - go get it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MB, i want to give you a big hug today. I can feel your rage and anger in your post. I understand being SICK and TIRED of these feelings for someone who is a complete POS. THEN you get ANGRY with yourself for having these feelings for a person such as your MM/my MM doesn't matter they are all the same. I realized, after meeting with my counselor, that I am experiencing emotion with MM and numbness with my husband based on my actions and where my brain has been 'trained' over the past year. EMotions turned on for MM turned off for hubby. And i am trying with all of my might to shut emotions down for MM and turn them on for hubby but it isn't something i can do overnight.

 

Just know, I feel your pain, i am living your pain and i understand your hurt. Nothing any of us can say can take the hurt away or make it better. Time and space are really your best friends. Maybe the pain never goes away and maybe we need to understand that and just accept it as a constant companion rather than grow angry with ourselves that it is still there?

 

Have you read the post about the woman who was pregnant by MM and then lost the baby? Read it, and find your anger at her situation and use that to keep pulling yourself out of this hole.

 

You are right about that. Maybe of these mm are all the same. I could write Grey Clouds posts. You know what I thought when I read your line about maybe the pain never goes away? Maybe the pain was there all along and only the characters changed.

 

That is what I am trying to figure out. I want to be this better version of myself. It is hard to get there. I am honestly not sure of the right road to take.

 

I did read the thread about the poor woman and her baby. Heartbreaking. I have seen a few about women having mm's babies. I will tell you it is odd. The few times we had sex, I'm embarrassed to admit we did not use anything and weirdly, mm did not care at all. I'm a control freak so I was there at CVS shelling out the money for the morning after pill but he never even asked. I think some of these guys, they are so damaged. What kind of man treats his own baby like these poor women have suffered? I forgot the name, the poor woman who just got the child support, the guy walked out of the court and took his name off the birth certificate. Honestly, monsters. It is so unbelievably sad these women suffered like that.

[imperfectangel]

I feel bad for May. And Valerie that posted yesterday. I couldn't deal with that.

 

I've not heard from mm since Tuesday. Part of me is glad, I want to be left alone. Obviously I have to wait for my ego to catch up. One thing that comes with ignoring them is how to handle it when they stop trying though I'm aware he could just be waiting for me to crawl back as I usually do.

 

He is still blocked on my fb and what's app so I know he can't spy on me